heart

"...the Lord looketh on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

There have been a lot of girls out there who have lost their mom...and so I guess it is my turn, my turn to experience this thing called death and learning to say goodbye to my mommy.

Right now as a family we are starting to say goodbye to my mom's old self, her fun personality, her light of life...as she deals with the effects of brain cancer and radiation.

I have so many thoughts right now...especially after yesterday's events and reading joette's post on her blog this morning.

I have been thinking a lot about the heart lately- the actual organ and also as it is referred to in the scriptures- examples like: how we feel the spirit, the effects of not listening to the spirit and dealing with sin, our own spirit, the light of Christ in us, how we love, the Holy Ghost, turning to Christ...you know, all the big heart stuff.

In one of my college classes we studied the heart and brain for a couple weeks. It wasn't my anatomy and physiology class either. It was a family counseling class.

My mom was told a couple weeks ago that she had about 5 weeks left of life. Her brain was full of tumors. She decided to do the gamma knife radiation treatment on her tumors without her oncologist even knowing. The tumors were surrounding her optic nerve and causing her to slowly lose her eye sight. Fear of being blind seemed unbearable to my mom and so she went ahead and did the radiation so she could see her new grandson once he was born. The treatment saved her eyesight and slowed down the progression of the cancer but she is now suffering from major cognitive failure. Her reasoning, logical, communicative, and mobile functioning (tremors, shakes, walking, muscle atrophy) has been impaired greatly. She doesn't know anymore how to use the phone, computer (that is why she quit blogging), camera, stove- she forgets if she's taken medication or not so she was in the ER the other night for overdosing on coumadin (blood thinner). She is hardly expressive anymore besides being very emotional and crying often. Joette said she was downstairs one day looking for a piece of bread. She doesn't remember anything anymore. Many who know my mom- know this is not like her- she was a very smart, spiritual, talkative, artistic, happy, confident, gifted person-

One day she called me crying and was explaining to me how she couldn't figure out how to use the microwave. She told me she felt useless and incapable. She kept wondering why she was still around and what her worth was since she can't do anything she loves to do anymore...and so these thoughts about the heart and brain came to my mind:

Did you know the heart pumps all its own and doesn't need the brain to work? The heart has its own brain so to speak and is the only part of the body that doesn't have any connection to the brain -besides providing blood supply and so forth...but you can be brain dead and still have a heartbeat...but you can't be heart dead and still have brain function- you're officially dead...now think of all the scriptures that refer to the heart...there are a ton- I know because I have been reading them all morning...and you know, it's the heart that matters...think of little children's hearts- think of their brains- we all know little 2 year olds have huge hearts but don't always make the best decisions.- Think of people with down syndrome- incompetent brains, big loving hearts.

Our spiritual self, the light of Christ, the Holy Ghost, dwell in places that can't be affected by a sick brain...our bodies house our spirits- but in my own opinion I feel like the brain, which of course accomplishes logical reasonings needed to function, but however, it can be kind of irrational at times as it is encompassed with random thoughts, generalizations, expectations- the brain holds centers of habit learned through coping mechanisms that support addictions, control and cravings that provide temporary emotional comfort. The brain grasps vivid pictures, unhealthy thoughts- it supports a memory center and neuron development through maltreatment and abuse (trauma and childhood) occurs which can interrupt normal processing- the brain can be a wonderful thing but it also carries a lot of baggage. We need our spirit, the atonement, Holy Ghost, faith, and sometimes even counseling to learn to bridle some passions originated in the brain-

Who we are, what we truly are, our spirit, cannot be depicted through a mortal brain and its functions- our spirit doesn't thrive off of such communication and can't be compared to anything on such a level as the brain. Sometimes our words are so useless and meaningless compared to what we are truly feeling in our hearts. Why do we remember feelings better than words when it comes to feeling the Holy Ghost? I believe that a lot of our pride and natural man tendencies all originate in the brain and how we have processed experiences in life. Your worth is not in your brain Mom- it is in you, your heart, your spirit. Who freaking cares if you can't work the microwave! Your brain is sick. It's the heart, the you you, the Edie Kaye mother testimony fighting beautiful daughter of God who we love...and who God loves dearly.

So my mom acts differently now...and it's ok. I know Heavenly Father's plan and I know He has a plan for my mom. It is "heart" breaking to talk to her on the phone and I already miss her...but how grateful I am for hope and faith in the afterlife...and for hope and faith that God is in control of all this yuckiness life can bring.

to the hills

This picture makes me laugh because when we were taking it I told Chay to smile...he politely reminded me we were wearing helmets and smiling wasn't necessary.

Chay and I went on an awesome date on Saturday. We left early. Got babysitters. Headed to the hills.

Utah is really interesting. A million gajillion plus people are all cramped between the mountains and the Great Salt Lake but if you just head east up one of the canyons you're in a whole new world. It was so beautiful, so perfect, so what I needed, so what Chay and I needed. We rode to the top and could see everything, rode on some awesome trails, found 3 mountain lakes- the last one was all to ourselves. Enjoy the slide show. *just click on the play button Mom

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ten years

today is my 10 year high school reunion...I'm not there obviously- too far, too expensive...I got the fancy invitation in the mail a couple months ago though and I entertained the thought of going for a couple days but the feeling quickly died- especially when the dinner price was $50 bucks, beer not included. I was happy to see there was going to be a designated beer garden provided. What would we do without a beer garden????

There are about 10 or so people I would love to see...but I don't want to see those 10 or so people drinking- not an ideal situation for me. After my mission I ran into a really good friend of mine from high school. It was at the Spokane Valley Mall of course. Later that night around 11 o'clock this friend called me out of the blue. He was drunk and needed a drive home from a bar. Drunk people are interesting- they seem to be a little more open than usual. After going to school with this guy for years I finally found out that night in the car his true feelings for me- he even thanked me for always being a good girl. Well you're welcome.

High School gives me empty thoughts sometimes. What a necessary yet blank time in my life. My priorities were kind of whacked out and although I supposedly was a good girl, I look back and think "oh I am so different now...and I am so glad those days are over" I just want to reiterate to my girls over and over that although you may feel high school is your whole life, trust me, it isn't...Of course I was me in high school and I am me now and then was me and I'll always be me- but I just process thoughts differently, care for things differently- I understand myself a whole lot more now- do you guys all feel this way? Or were you all homecoming queens who relish in the good old days and can't wait to go to your children's high school football games?"

ok so 10 years looking back- what have I done the last 10 years:
*served mission in brasil 18 months, learned portuguese
*lived with Emily!!!!
*learned to play guitar
*various jobs-waitressing at Woolfy's included
*been on some wild back packing trips- not wild wild...just really fun
*had some pretty interesting boyfriends
*ran a triathlon
*gospel doctrine teacher, teacher improvement, relief society teacher, scouts, primary teacher, primary secretary
*earned my B.S. degree
*lived in New Jersey- drove across the country- there and back
*went to Mexico
*got married
*lived in Portland
*moved to Utah- this was a hard move for me
*gave birth to 2 girls *my favorite 10 year accomplishment besides the whole Chay marriage factor
*Chay and I bought our first home
*can't think of anymore

ok so I found some senior pictures!...oh my gosh oh my gosh- look at that young fresh face! I have the same hair almost! I'm not too nerdy yet...I am sure in another 10 years Kenzie will laugh at what I am wearing. At least I'm not holding a tennis racket (just kidding Chay), or making out with a tree- but what is up with being so serious??? I look like my best friend just died! LOL- what was I trying to create here? ok all of you 1998ers out there- to celebrate our 10 years I dare you to post your senior pictures!!!

potty party

Tuesday morning I made a big decision around the house, a decision that I was no longer going to be wishy washy about anymore: no more diapers for Kenzie.

We woke up and I took off Kenzie's diaper and I was really tired and just kind of wanted something crazy to do to get me out of the drowsiness of the everyday blah blah...and well out of the blue I just said, "no more diapers" and didn't put a new one on her. It surprised me more than Kenzie I think. Kenzie knew this day would eventually come. She kept asking for a diaper and I said, "no more diapers- it is time for the next big step in your life" Of course she didn't quite understand what I meant but she did understand the whole "no more diaper" ordeal. So she ran around bottomless the first day...and she went pee pee in the toilet. That afternoon we went on a walk and she peed through her shorts while riding her trike and she started to complain and throw little tantrums about wanting a diaper....so you know what we did? We prayed. We asked Heavenly Father to help us learn to be patient, loving and willing when it comes to going pee and poo poo in the toilet- it seriously helped.

That night I put a pull up on her and she went poop immediately after I put it on her and she also didn't want to take off her pull up the next morning so then I said, "no more pull ups" and she has gone without a diaper now for 3 days! Is she potty trained? I think she is...she has only had 1 mess up and that was the first day...although we are still waiting for that big #2 to take place- eventually something will have to come out, right?

She doesn't like to go pee pee in the toilet- I think it is something kind of new and weird for her but I have been super patient...and it has been kind of a neat experience to spend so much time with Kenzie- I give her encouraging pep talks all day long...and I know she loves all the positive attention I am giving her- I get so excited for her when she goes pee pee and I sing pee pee songs to her all day like "Love is on the way" by Saigon Kick I change the words to "pee pee is on the way, I can see it in your eyes, come on let's give it one more try tonight baby" and "breakin up" by Rilo Kiley I sing "ooh it feels good to be free, ooh it feels good to go pee" and of course twinkle little star is now tinkle tinkle little star...

Chay and I were already planning on getting Kenzie a bike with training wheels this fall anyway so I made Kenzie a pee pee and poo poo chart- every time she uses the bathroom she gets a star-a tinkle little star that is- and once the chart is filled up we can go get a bike...so the other night, Kenzie, while still being a little apprehensive and not too excited about the whole pee pee thing, Chay walked into the kitchen to see Kenzie filling up all the boxes on her chart with a marker- she then said, "Let's go Walmart and get bike!" it was pretty funny...nice try.




Calie- I just wanted you to know that Julia wouldn't be able to cope with life without her silky blanket you got for her...if you see another one just like it somewhere-buy it. I will pay you top dollar for it- I get anxious just thinking about replacing that thing.

double whammy of woo-woo juju

Emily emailed me today and made me aware of the Word of the Day on Dictionary.com. (On a side note- I love that you know what the word of the day is, Emily)

Word of the Day for Thursday, August 21, 2008 on Dictionary.com:

juju \JOO-joo\, noun:

1. An object superstitiously believed to embody magical powers.
2. The power associated with a juju.

Example: 'On any terminal she is using, a co-worker puts up a sign proclaiming, 'Bad karma go away, come again another day'. When she was pregnant, she said, she crashed her computer twice as often -- she attributes that to a double whammy of woo-woo juju.'-- "Can a Hard Drive Smell Fear?", New York Times, May 21, 1998

Juju is of West African origin, akin to Hausa djudju, fetish, evil spirit.

How did you know Emily? Your email was almost "juju" because I was seriously thinking Julia was possessed or something this morning as she woke up hitting me and scratching me like some kind of wild beast. She was screaming with this screetchy kind of voice and was pulling her hair...I kept saying to her "JuJu who in the heck are you?"

sh'bang

so I have bangs now...Joette and I had a late haircut party night with Brandy down in the basement a couple nights ago- Brandy is pure entertainment-

Joette is gone now...we had a good week. It was good to have her around. I had all these exciting things I wanted to do but things never go as planned do they? I loved seeing her with my kids- she even got Julia to snuggle with her for a while one morning- which is a miracle. So come again Joette.

school house

Does anyone from Newman Lake recognize this picture? Calie ask Keith if this looks familiar to him. I about died when I found this picture online-

This is an old school house from the early 1900's- probably older- that is still standing- it's near the house I grew up in...as kids we would always walk by it or ride bikes to it and dare each other to go inside...Joette claims that she once touched a headstone/landmark type stone thing close to the school and all these dogs started charging at her...is that true Joette? LOL I bet it wasn't and you were just trying to top off all our stories-

as of lately

Today (well actually 2 days ago was today when I started this post) 9 years ago my family was sealed for all time and eternity in the Spokane Temple...Bryon and I both took out our endowments together and following the session we knelt together as a family around the alter, Mom, Dad, Keith, Bryon, Joette, and me holding hands, and embracing a moment we had been waiting for a long time to happen...wow what a beautiful day that was...

So...my mom is really sick...the worse sick she's been...now what?

I did something really crazy. I volunteered to sing a solo in church. I've been doing a lot of daring stuff lately...just because I want to. I used to perform all the time when I was younger but like I told Joette yesterday in the car- it has taken me almost 5 years of marriage/being a mom to figure parts of me out again...well anyway-I think I did alright even though I was a little nervous- these two recent return missionaries in our ward who happen to speak that sunday were funny- one who lives across the street from us said I need to open my windows more often and sing to the whole neighborhood and the other guy insisted we start a band- We would be called the W.T.- the abbreviations for our dinky little city we live in- he even had a gang sign for the W.T.- I love this kind of humor.

Joette is here for a week. It has been so amazing to listen to her play my piano...I feel like I have come home. We have had fun so far...Mckenzie loves her- follows her around everywhere. We went on a really cool walk today along the river...and talked about life and love...and then we waded our feet in the water for a second or so...got to love those chacos.

We celebrated Julia's b-day on Sunday. fun fun joy joy





I saw a shooting star this morning on my paper route...and a skunk!! I walked 10 feet in front of it before I noticed it! It scared me to death. His tail was straight up in the air and I booked it...you guys know how dramatic I can be sometimes so I seriously was freaked out for a couple minutes. I don't like delivering papers in the dark sometimes-
Those of you who know me quite well are aware of my sudden freak outs of startlments...Joette had a good take on me today. She said I am in deep thought often and so anything out of the ordinary kind of sets me off...I kind of agree with her.

eight8twothousand8

08/08/08 What a cool day to have your birthday Julia.

My little Ju Ju is a year old today. Oh my gosh 1 freakin year has passed! Where did the time go? I will tell you- let's just say this has been one of the longest years of my life. I held Julia for 3 months straight as she dealt with colic...and then if it wasn't colic it was something else...but you know- it has all been worth it...so very worth it. It is hard to believe one year ago we didn't have her in our lives yet. I was big and pregnant and in labor all day as we tried to finish redoing and painting the girl's room. Thinking about those days- especially after Julia was born makes me tired just thinking about it.

Julia is a strong independent little girl. She tells you what she wants... She has this "don't mess" kind of attitude which I will try not to damper- I figure spirits like this who have a testimony of the Gospel will take down evil as it comes their way- we need fighters!




Last night Julia woke up at 10 o'clock bright eyed and ready to play. So we played...I never get one on one time with her. She was so cute. She was giggling with me- taking steps. I kept trying to just soak up the moment and enjoy her littleness. It was a great way to appreciate her without Kenzie trying to push her over or stealing all her toys from her. Happy Birthday my little Ju Ju.

tribal rhythms

Tribal Rhythms Drum and Movement is the name of the community class I am taking.

Tonight was my first night. I am slowly attacking my "in my life" list. I have always wanted to learn how to play the djembe drum Chay surprised me with a few years ago. It has been one of my all time favorite birthday gifts. I pretend I know how to play...but I really don't. So I am excited to learn a thing or two.

First of all, the class is offered in a really neat place...it is in this huge old mansion built in 1893. The mansion is on the National Register of Historic Places- many community classes are offered at this place throughout the year like tribal rythms, african movement, water color, crochet, oil painting, photography...all artsy kind of stuff going on there-



The instructor's name is Deja. She was wearing sea shells and an african skirt. She had a nose ring and interestingly enough she was wearing hearing aids...she was about my age...she played my drum and told me she has never heard a more out of tune drum...so who cares if something is wrong with her hearing because after she tuned my drum it sounded so dang good. I was also the only one to show up tonight so it was just me and Deja for an hour. I like saying her name "Deja"

We conversed freely about our love for beat and percussion.

She taught me tone, slap, and base...and we then had a two person circle. It was all so very good for the soul let me tell you.