Christmas with the Clarks part 1

yes, Xander's shirt says "my aunt rocks"



well the best part of Christmas was having Joette around, especially for the girls. Kenzie and Julia are still in denial that Joette has returned home. Kenzie cried for about 20 minutes on the car ride home from the airport.

"I didn't want Joette to leave. We need to sing more songs on the piano. I am so sad." She went on and on and on.

anyway, I will talk about all that great fun stuff in part 2.

Christmas was wonderful but a little stressful at first. Only because it was Dec 13th and we were still renovating the living room. We finally just stopped in our tracks and went and got our tree. I LOVE LOVE LOVE decorating the house for Christmas.- and I was so anxious to get done with the room- so before we could finish the top shelf of the board and batten and put the crown up- we just said, "happy holidays" and quit working on the room- but oh how much I love the room- even unfinished. I just LOVE IT. It finally feels like coming home when I walk through the front door.

Before:



After:



we still need to do touch-ups- tape and re-paint
get curtains- although the white sheets from Savers are actually kind of cute
crown moulding
top shelf part of board and batten
and finish decorating

but I love it already- once we are 100% complete I will post more about all the details and how to's of this big project- we ran into a few big messes along the way (of course)



the reindeer that was given to Mom by her first boyfriend





Emily's famous advent calendar which happens to also be the cause of many fights with the girls :)



Emily's nativity- Emily is the main supplier to the Christmas decor around here



'tis the season to be jolly





I just love this Santa



The mistletoe that would hit Chay's head every time he walked under it- let's just say it didn't put him in the kissing mood...








ok well that about wraps up Christmas with the Clarks part 1. "Wraps up" get it??? Ok I'm tired. Good night.

tree stand

the tree stand

I found this tree stand at a thrift store. It had never been used and still had the original packaging- but it was obvious the tree stand was sold and manufactured probably 30+ years ago.

Don't you just love the detail?...however I wasn't a fan of the green puke color. I wondered, why so much detail if the tree stand will be covered by a tree skirt anyway?

where's my white spray paint???






I really liked how the tree stand turned out.
It sits on top of the tree skirt.

update

'Tis the season to unblock veins fa la la la la la la la la

Well the venous angioplasty went ok I believe.

I'm fine by the way. I'm not bedridden or in immense pain. In fact my biggest trial right now is Xander.

Because of the procedure I have to pump and dump my milk for 48 hours. The sedatives used and the dye they insert into my veins isn't exactly the best for a baby.

It's breaking my heart. He just wants his mother's snuggle and all I have for him is smelly formula...in a bottle. Not fun. I have never done the bottle thing. Wow- how inconvenient.

Xander won't take a bottle for longer than 3 minutes- so I defrosted some frozen breast milk- He still isn't taking it very well. This is so sad.

For those who are curious and want to know how the day went:

I get to the hospital and go to the Radiology department. I then get undressed and put scrubs bottoms and a gown top on. I get hooked up to an IV with saline (to help my kidneys push through the dye they insert into veins) they asked if I was pregnant. NO. Then I asked Dr. Black a million questions.

Dr. Black was honest and smart. He doesn't think YET that CCSVI (narrowing of jugular veins) is the WHOLE causing problem to MS but could be a factor. He thinks it plays a significant role and when it comes down to it, no matter what, my veins are abnormal and should be fixed.

ok so then they sedate me and make me jolly. They inserted a catheter in my iliac vein which is down by your pelvis low waste area. And then he fished the catheter through my veins until he reached my brain- I'm not joking. I jumped a little and said, "are you inside my head?" He was. He then releases the dye into my veins and asks me to hold my breath and such so the dye can make its way through my veins- so he can see how blood is flowing through my veins.

He discovered that my right jugular vein was 60% blocked. He even said that my body had compensated with a new sort of vein- something he has never seen before. See? We are all unique in our own different ways.

He also discovered my left jugular was 50% blocked.

Ok when he was messing around in my head and ballooning open my veins I about lost it. Pretty painful- like an instant horrific earache and migraine headache. But within 5 minutes it was gone. I could hear this little metal clicking inside my head too. So weird. There was a lot of pressure. Just a weird-finger-nails-on-a-chalk-board-type-feeling. The nurses and doctor were surprised by my pain saying most patients don't feel too much discomfort. Well the pain all went away as soon as he was done ballooning.

He later told me that he might want to re-do my right side down the road...he said he unblocked most of it but not completely- he stretched the vein a lot and wanted to be careful.

Afterwards I was given the prescription of Lovenox and Plavix. I have to give myself blood thinner shots for only a week. We picked up the medicine at Costco and all I have to say is "thank goodness for Chay's health care insurance" We only had to pay less than 10% of what the original costs were. phew!

How do I feel? Drum roll please!!!!! The same. :) A little loopy from the sedation. My veins in my neck are a little sore (oh really?) and also where the catheter entered into my iliac vein is a little sore. I also have a little bit of a headache. I'll just have to wait.

I'm drinking the green drink like crazy so I can flush out the dye and sedatives- I just really want to nurse Xander. I'm sure it will be a long night tonight.

So I will update again soon. Probably not tomorrow. I just want to focus on Christmas.

Fa la la la la la la la la

my sexy veins part II

Tomorrow is the day I go in to have my veins fixed.

I have had so many people ask me questions and I wish I could be more elaborate and explanatory...but really I am sort of full of questions myself.

All I know is that some interventional "I fix veins" Doctor told me that my blood is not draining properly in my right jugular vein from the results of an ultrasound and that he can perform a type of Angioplasty on my vein to improve blood flow. He was clear to let me know that this procedure is VERY NEW and is still being researched. He did not promise me amazing results from my MS although many MS patients have seen huge improvements in their condition...tricky. I hate it when Doctors are tricky. JUST HEAL ME DANG IT!!!

But honestly the Doctor was so incredibly nice and sincere. But at the same time I left the Dr.'s office feeling that I was involved in something very new. The Dr. did tell me there would be a trial in February of this year but nothing was set in stone as of yet. I would wait until February to be involved with the trial but it is unclear if the trial would be paid for and we have already met our deductible this year on health insurance so...AND I have a feeling that if I don't ACT now there could be a huge waiting list in the upcoming year. As of right now, there are only 2 Doctors in Utah that are performing the angioplasty on veins for MS. My Doctor told me there are 4 more Doctors in Utah being trained and certified who will start taking MS patients very soon. I do not know their names.

Dr. Hatch and Dr. Black are the team doctors that are working with me- I can't remember who will be doing the actual procedure tomorrow- one of them. They work together.

Dr. Hatch
Dr. Black
Phone# (801)701-5681

Utah Valley Interventional Associates
1055 North 300 West Ste 308
Provo, Utah 84604

For records: How is my health TODAY: December 20th

TIRED!!!Is it because I stayed up until 1 this morning sewing Christmas stockings and watching Inception? That movie is a TRIP.

Ok for reals, I am generally always always tired. Weak...low energy and such. Mornings are a major struggle. On certain days the stairs are a struggle. By nature I am very energetic so this has been devastating the last 6 years.

Pain: stiff- out of control stiffness. My joints are on FIRE when I first get up from sitting or sleeping. After walking around for a couple minutes I feel fine-I have headaches often too- ironically my headaches start where my jugular veins are supposedly blocked. Coincidence? Who knows.

Foggy brain. I have a hard time figuring out how to control thinking patterns- priorities get jumbled- like I forget what to do first- so sometimes I will find myself making breakfast in my bra. I kid you not. But it's not like I don't know that I am in my bra- I just sort of giggle and I am completely aware I just get jumbled- that doesn't happen very often...but it sort of scares me when it does. FORGETFUL. SHORT TERM IS HORRIBLE.

Other foggy brain symptoms are feeling the emotion without figuring out the problem. I will feel really sad, anxious, mad or worried about something and I will have to literally file through the vaults in my brain until I find the problem that is causing the emotion. Again, only once in a while. Don't worry, If I tell you, "I love you" I usually mean it :) Luckily the emotion of loving someone is one I haven't had to search for the reason in my head. Wow- I think the movie Inception is influencing my writing today. I feel like I could write a catchy novel about my brain problems.

Twitches flutters in my left side when I run or do any type of hard cardio. By the third day of trying to exercise I get all funky on my left side and I experience weird pain in my left arm and leg. At night my left leg will keep me awake and then I cry- feel sorry for myself- a normal routine. I just want to RUN for crying out loud.

Dizziness- no equilibrium- I couldn't walk for about 10 minutes after Space Mountain. But it was sure worth it.

um I haven't had any major exacerbations lately- but I've had a few where I have lost function of my left side out of acute weakness- and I have been super numb in crazy places- close friends know about those crazy places :)

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

here's hoping for some help! I will keep y'all updated!

five

hold your breath April...it's going to be ok.

It is late. I'm wrapping presents, finishing home-made presents, finishing up my 4th load of laundry for the day and staring at an un-frosted cake. Mckenzie's 5th birthday cake. Tomorrow my big girl will be 5. NOOOOOO!

What is happening to life? Slow down will ya?

One question that pops into my head often: Am I making good use of my life? Am I stuck in a whirlwind tunnel of culture, fear, bad habits, procrastination? Or am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?

The scale goes back and forth (kind of like my weight) but...seriously, TIME is slipping away. Am I living in the moment? Am I loving and listening? Does Kenzie know how much I adore her? Have I been present in her life? Or am I too busy doing non essential things all day and never just STOPPING and soaking her in. Soak that little special light girl in.

I soak her in. I do. More than I thought I would to be honest. But there is still so much of me to give to her. And at night time on the days when I am short with her and a not so good mommy- oh the crushing guilt. I feel so silly. She is a precious 4 year old for crying out loud. GET IT TOGETHER APRIL!



Kenzie is awesome. A drama queen, but awesome.

porcelain face
sincere eyes
motherly kindness
ability to imagine and pretend
The feelings she expresses when dancing, singing...oh to be 5 again.

5 year olds are the best. I love their words, thoughts and sentences. I love their curiosity. I love how doing the dishes is fun. I love a 5 year old.



Happy Birthday Kenzie. Amongst all the chaos and joy of the season, you are my brightest star.

The other day I asked the girls what gift they wanted to give Jesus for Christmas.

Kenzie's reply "I want to give Him all my glory"

of course we giggled at that, but isn't she right on?

Light. Light. Light. What would I do without all this light? My children and husband are my greatest treasures. Love them.

even on days when I feel like throwing dishes against the wall...

mom and Christmas

I only have 20% battery left in my laptop.

So I can't be long winded today...

I miss Mom.

Christmas is all about the Mom. We decorate, sing, tradition, cook, serve, gather, teach...

Oh how I would do anything for just a quick 20 minute talk with you Mom. You have been gone for over 2 years. Just 20 minutes? Come on...you can come in my dreams if you want. That would be such a fun night's sleep.

Or you could just visit me- you know, like the ghost angel thing. I will be up late tonight editing Chay's paper for school. Come visit me in my new living room- it's so darling. You probably wouldn't like it- too funky for your taste. But you would be proud of all the hard work we put into the room. You were always so proud of your children. We KNEW we were special in your eyes. We ALWAYS felt special when you were around.

Ask Heavenly Father for permission to visit me will ya? Just tell him "my daughter needs me really bad this Christmas". He will understand. He always does.

I forgot to ask you when you were dying if you would come visit me from time to time once you got to the other side.

I also forgot to get your cheese ball recipe. That would come in handy right about now...

15% battery left. And our basement doesn't have any 3 prong outlets yet...

Mom, I want to tell you about how cute my Christmas decorations are this year. The tree is perfect. I have the stuffed reindeer that your first boyfriend gave you 50 years ago sitting on my desk. It is perfect.

Dad finally said I could have your Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause you painted so many years ago. I had to give him the big guilt trip: "Share Mom with us please. You and Kay can start collecting your own Christmas decorations now...Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause belong to me...they just do."

11% battery oh dear

Christmas is so hard without you. Thank you for making Christmas so dang special. I'm having a hard time filling your Christmas season shoes.

I cried when I was playing and singing "I'll be home for Christmas" on the piano today. I imagined you singing it and oh man... I just really really MISSED you.

For future generations and for family history's sake:

Edie Kaye Tomblin always made Christmas SPECIAL...For her family and for all her many friends. During Christmas time there was always music playing. We would gather around the lit Christmas tree and listen to music and cry from feeling the spirit. We always did the 12 days of Christmas for a family- EVERY YEAR. Mom was always baking and giving away pies to ward members. She had big dinners...and Christmas Family Home evenings always planned. She was always involved in church activities- writing scrips for plays, planning special dinners, painting back-drops, directing a choir-always DOING. She never worked. Her job was FAMILY. She was never busy trying to earn money- she was too busy being Mom- and busy serving others. I'm sure her little talents could of brought in extra money. But FAMILY was her priority...

Mom loved to sing Christmas songs around the piano with Joette playing. She loved to GATHER. She was a GATHERER. She always bore her testimony of the Savior. She loved to give home-made gifts. She was always sewing during Christmas. Pajamas, stockings, crafty things. One year she wanted to make fleece coats for everyone- I told her it wasn't a good idea. I told her I was too vain to wear a home-made coat. She only finished one and quit. My heart breaks when I think of that story. I have her one and only fleece home-made coat and I finally treasure it with everything I have.

Ok my battery will die any minute.

Oh how blessed we are to be in contact with so many wonderful people. I am truly blessed. How lucky I was to have you Mom as my mommy for 28 years.

However, as much as I would love to emulate you, I still wish I didn't have messy drawers like you...and I also somehow grabbed your problem of getting overly excited about 10 things and trying to do them all at once until I go crazy...and unfortunately my life is full of unfinished projects because of it-

but that is ok- because as a mother you accomplished and finished what God wanted you to do on this earth- the most important things were taken care of...and that's all that really matters...and so I keep trying to do the same, despite my messy drawers, I try to gather the family together and teach them about love and Christ...

TRUE HAPPINESS I tell you.

ok 3-2-1 my battery is at 1%.

my sexy veins and MS

first of all, Thank you Cami for coming with me today. I was so touched that she wanted to come...ok ok ok- she also wanted to go to IKEA with me afterwards- who wouldn't? Who can pass up Sweetish meatballs anyway? But still, it was nice to go to the appointment with someone. Cami is a SUPERFRIEND. The kind of friend you don't luck out and meet every day. She is GOLD. She has taught me more about LOVE and SERVICE than anyone I have ever met. She watched Xander for me in the waiting room today- Love you Cami. Thank you for enduring such a long day.

Chay stayed home from work and played with the girls all day.

Well how did my appointment go today? Well, I have CCSVI. So stay far away...CCSVI- sounds like I have some funky growth in my armpit or something-

For reals, my right Jugular vein, way up close to my ear and jaw line does not drain properly. Blood gets to the brain just fine, it just doesn't drain the way it's supposed to. In fact, instead of draining the way it should, the vein has a reflux of blood caused from narrowing of the vein and so my body has developed a lot of little capillaries near where the narrowing of the vein is to create a secondary route for my blood to drain- INTERESTING.

This is all so new to me. I really don't know what to think. At moments I feel like crying and at other moments I just want to ask a million questions.

so off I go to Provo again to have the jugular vein fixed on December 21st. Unfortunately I might be too sedated to go to Ikea afterwards. That's ok, I'm a little Ikea'd out...

and plus Chay's Hell is walking around IKEA for a couple hours- pure torture...for the both of us :)

anyway, Merry Christmas! Is it really already the 7th?

appointment

My appointment today in Provo to see if I have CCSVI was moved to December 7th. So, I must wait a couple more weeks. Thank you to all those who are excited and took the time to watch those videos. I am the luckiest person ever. I am surrounded by such wonderful supportive friends and family.

It's a big trip to Provo... so dang it, I will have to go to IKEA now on the drive back home. I hate when that happens. Oh IKEA- you can be so demanding sometimes.

7 years

7 years of good luck...

Chay and I were married 7 years ago. Holy smokes! Life is passing so quickly.

I really like hearing Chay's voice when he calls me from work. It is deep but kind...and soft. You know, reassuring.

Some lines from Sarah's song "Push" that remind me of Chay and I.

You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise Id drown
But you pick me up & brush me off and tell me I'm OK
sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

But you know what my favorite part of our marriage is?...-is bedtime. Bedtime...the house is finally quiet and we can lay in bed together with my head resting right below his shoulder and his arm around me- oh I just love it!

Snuggle up and get warm
fight over who has most of the blanket
talk about funny things the girls said that day
talk about really fat cats
quote The office
go over our to-do lists
watch YouTube on the Droid
talk about politics together- ok it's just me talking but Chay listens
talk about goals, school, callings, paper route, health, work, stories from childhood
prayer
footsies
covered wagons- not funny

Sometimes we don't talk at all. Sometimes there just isn't anything to say.
Comfortable safe silence.

unless I'm mad of course...now that isn't comfortable silence obviously. Whoever said it was wise to never go to bed angry was dumb. Usually by morning I'm so out of it, I don't even recall what I was upset about.

Anyway- happy 7. Happy seven I'm in heaven.

Check out those chops.



love you Chay.

what's on my mind

Christmas...I want to make it meaningful and traditional...and exciting for my girls.

How big my kitchen feels now that we knocked down a wall- so to all homeowners, when it doubt, knock it out.

My wood floors Chay sanded and refinished last weekend- beautiful. Loud and echos horribly. But beautiful.

I cried watching Sound of Music the other night. What a good wholesome movie. I can't stop singing the music from the movie.

I love Maria. Don't we all?

my health- seems to be getting worse. I try to ignore it as much as I can. MS is lonely and misunderstood by everyone who doesn't have it. It plays a mind game on me constantly as I try to talk myself out of fatigue, weakness, and pain. Every small thing is a big chore and I try to keep a smile on my face. I just treasure the moments when I feel on top of my game. I have days when I can go go go and not stop and I get giddy inside with my youthful abundance of energy. I am reminded of my old self- back in the days when I was constantly going and playing- working. It really is wonderful. I really try to thank Heavenly Father for each moment of strength and capability my body performs.

Ok so...what is majorly consuming my mind is found in the following 3 videos. I am completely fascinated by this...and I go in on November 23 to see if I can be "liberated". This is very new and still being researched...and the doctor's office told me insurance will pay for this for now until they find out it is being done to help MS patients.

But basically Dr. Zamboni is trying to prove that MS is a vascular problem and not an autoimmune disease.

But I am very careful and so I wanted to feel good about this- and you know, I do. I really do feel good about it. I am hopeful and prayerful...and my heart pounds so hard just thinking about how this might help me. So please watch...and tell me what you think.

You can learn a lot about MS from these videos. So if you're bored and wonder what the heck I'm attempting to do to help myself...have at it.

Joette and Dad- these videos explain it better than I can...

my kind of news

ok I am so sick of hearing about mid-term elections...so I was so thrilled to read this story today. WOW. All I can say is WOW. There are people out there who are just amazing. We're all here on earth to teach each other something wonderful- But this couple- wow. Talk about having it all together. Love their perspective on life. Great examples.

Canadian couple who won $11.2m in the lottery give it ALL away to charity


This article is from here

A Canadian couple who won $11.2million (£7million) on the lottery have given it all away to friends, charities and hospitals.

Allen and Violet Large, both in their 70s, said their good fortune earlier this year had been a 'big headache' and they had decided against going on a spending spree.

'What you’ve never had, you never miss,' Violet, 78, told the Toronto Star.
She and Allen, 75, eventually decided it was better to give than receive and were totally at ease with handing over the money.

Married for 36 years, the pair retired in 1983 and moved from Ontario to Lower Truro, Nova Scotia, for a quieter life. Allen had worked as a welder for 30 years and Violet had been employed by a number of confectionery and cosmetic firms.

'We were pretty well set, not millionaires, but comfortable,' said Allen of the couple's financial set-up before their lottery win in July.

'That money that we won was nothing,' Allen told the Toronto Star. 'We have each other.'

Violet has since had surgery to tackle her condition and received her last chemotherapy treatment a week ago.

Hospitals in Truro and Halifax, Nova Scotia, were among the main beneficiaries of the Larges' generosity after they decided on giving away every cent of their $11,255,272 win.

After taking care of their families, the couple then gave donations to a long list of groups they had decided to help, including their local fire department, churches and cemeteries, the Red Cross, the Salvation Army.

The hospitals where Violet underwent her treatment and organisations that fight cancer, Alzheimer’s and diabetes, also benefited from the couple's largesse.

The Larges have not disclosed how much they gave to each organisation but said they are humbled and thankful for the phone calls and letters of gratitude they have received.'

'It made us feel good,' said Violet. 'And there's so much good being done with that money.

'We're the lucky ones,' she added

go out and vote will ya?

Don't forget to vote today...because it's a really cool thing to do... and also because we should...and because it's a right we shouldn't take for granted.

Go vote dang it.

operation home- the desk

Just breathe Dad...just be prepared that's all I'm saying.

Do you see this desk? This is our computer desk. Our million pound roll top desk... that was designed for paper and not computers. But luckily the laptop fits and it's great for hiding messes when the Mother in Law decides to make a drop-in visit. "Quick! Roll the desk down!!!"



Yes, this classic oak desk from the lovely 80's belonged to my mom and dad. Mom gave it to me when Chay and I moved into our home. I remember pretending to play "office" and "bank" on it when I was little girl. I even pretended there was a drive-up window in the wall next to where the desk stood.

My mom would pay her bills on this desk and she had one of those big calculators with a receipt paper roll attached to the top. The calculator would turn and print out your itemized numbers and calculations. I can still hear the sound of the paper rolling and the numbers printing. ch ch ch ch ch ch

oh my gosh, I just found the exact calculator on google images!!! Oh the memories.



So anyway- back to the desk. The big desk.

thank you Dad. It's serving its purpose perfectly-

but um well...as much as you and I like the desk, the color had to go. Dad, just breathe. I know I am blatantly disobeying you. You clearly told me NOT to paint over the beautiful oak...but if I may add, you can't really give something to someone and then tell them what they can and can't do with it, right? The desk is technically mine. In facts it's all mine- no need for "technically".

I don't think I have changed much Dad.

Oh dear. I feel so rebellious. But for the record, I know Mom would absolutely LOVE the desk transformation. She has already given me the heavenly thumbs up.







Sorry about the angle- my kitchen counter is in the way.

I love it!!!! It's a little more turquoise than the picture- so fun. Love it.



I love the new hardware but I'm having knob issues and have made several trips to Hobby Lobby- too big, too small- but for now I'm just going to surrender to that problem and just love the desk until I find the perfect knobs.

So Dad, do you approve? Or am I grounded?

joy in this journey

So I am 31 now. Pretty exciting I tell you. It kind of feels like 30 and probably a lot like 32 I'm guessing.

Getting older is kind of lame-o. Not quite the thrill that came with turning 16. But it's interesting how little milestones in life make cause for personal reflection.

My six day birthday journey was a week of reflection. I observed myself and my actions. This is what I discovered: I have weaknesses. I am a child of God. I am nothing without God. I need to make life changing decisions that will face nothing but opposition for the first little while. I also learned that all my choices each day need to be prioritized into three categories 1. The Essentials 2. The Necessaries 3. The Funs (thank you Sister Beck) and obviously making sure "The Essentials" are always first so The Necessaries and The Funs find their place beautifully in life without a lot of stress.

Essentials: prayer, scripture study, Family Home Evenings on Monday, family prayer, church on Sunday, Keeping the Sabbath day Holy, going to the Temple as often as life and babysitting permits, family scriptures at night, visiting teaching, calling- you know, the essentials- the choices in life that build our foundation and our relationship with God. I am a covenanted person therefore I try try try to do The Essentials dang it!

Necessaries: A house of order- (oh sigh, I suck at this), exercise, eating healthy, story time with my children, dinner with the family, education, date night with Chay, one on one time with my kids

The Funs: everything else fun that we all enjoy- which is great and important- but should never come before The Essentials that's for sure. And we all know The Funs come before The Necessaries often...which is ok I think from time to time- But when nutrition is out the door, the house is messy and cluttered, too much money being spent... because of too much play- well even The Essentials get easily jeopardized when The Necessaries are out of whack. The Funs in my life are redecorating and renovating something in the house, blogging, reading blogs, internet, reading books, thrift store shopping, watching movies, talking with my dear friends and Joette on the phone-

This is my personal categorization of priorities that I feel inspired to follow. I will obviously get my priorities messed up every now and then...but I just want to try and at least remind myself every day what is the most important in my life...

Like take this little guy for example...




joy in the journey

I want this bike

Don't you want it too??? This picture is actually a link to the place that sells these lovelies. Not exactly in the budget. I better buy a couch before a bike...I could probably buy two couches for the price of this bike and maybe even a nice lamp too. But it's always nice and fun to dream, right?

post-it love

How about a little post-it love for my birthday.



isn't that great?

6 day birthday journey

I love babies. Xander is by far my favorite newborn. With Kenzie I was in denial of motherhood. Then came Julia- still in denial and she also cried and cried and cried for 3 months- and then of course I couldn't handle it very well...so I would then cry and cry and cry with her. I was a mess.

Xander however calms me. He is a good baby. He is a piece of heaven in our home...and he is so dang cute- oh my.

I am trying to deal with life the best I can.

This is a hard time for me. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. You know, like decisions made right now will determine the greater portion of the rest of my life. Ever get those life crossroad feelings?

My brain is so mushy right now. I have a hard time concentrating. Tired mostly. Anyone else get mushy brain?

other thoughts:

I think I use MS as an excuse. I feel sometimes it has already defeated me, falling back on it when I attempt and fail at a goal because my body isn't responding the way it used to. I wish I was never diagnosed. I am strong you know. I really am. I used to be a good basketball player back in the day. I loved to run. Cross country and track were my thing- Mountain biking and snowboarding found me in college...a triathlon after the mission. I was competitive and I loved pushing my body to its limits. I use to live for being active and working hard. Now I have this weird fear thing going on. I feel trapped. Lost.

I hate it when people see me lifting something heavy or doing something strenuous and they run over to me like I'm 90 years old and insist they help me because you know, I have MS, I must be completely incapable. That is the worse thing you could do to me. Mom always told me that once she was diagnosed with cancer, people suddenly stopped needing her. It broke her spirit. Mom loved to be needed. She had so many talents to still share.

So how long am I going to let MS defeat me? When will I let it stop labeling and defining who I am? How long am I going to have lame excuses? When will I stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with life? When will I stop surviving each day and start living? When will I start treasuring this body like it needs to be treasured? One of God's greatest gifts to man is the body- which houses our precious spirit. When will I take that truth and make it apart of who I am? Why do I ignore the promptings?

Fear is interesting. Fear mixed with brownies and ice cream?...a destructive combination I'm telling you.

Fear is selfish.

That over sung over used song by Michael Mclean pops into my head "I've got to find out who I am."

Just for 6 days. Experiment upon the word, upon my impressions, upon the Still Small Voice, upon answers to prayer. Experiment. Trust in the Lord. Give it all to Him. Trust.

6 days.

Day one starts tomorrow. Time for bed.

big sister

ok, so sometimes she kisses him a little too much. And she tries to carry him a little too often...sadly he is getting heavier quicker than she is getting stronger- each day he seems to get harder to hold- but she still tries. Only dropped him once...and accidentally landed on him today- ouch!

and sometimes she wakes him up from sleeping so she can talk and sing to him, and sometimes she tries to feed him things he isn't supposed to eat...

the other day she whacked him in the head with the book she was "reading" to him

and sometimes I get really annoyed with her over abundance of love for him...only because it usually causes tears and an overwhelmed baby...




But when it comes right down to it, how can I ever really discourage that "in training" divine mommy-ness gift she naturally possesses.

ediekaye@theheavenlyplace.com

Happy birthday Mom. Let's see, 61. You would be 61 years old today.

Well on a lighter note, at least I don't have to worry about getting you a present.

I miss you.

You would just LOVE LOVE LOVE Xander. Oh my gosh. He is just so adorable Mom. He is starting to get super squishy. He has this "take-my-breath-away" smile. He coos and watches everything so intently. I know you wouldn't be able to get enough of him. He is so perfect. It makes me sad that I can't share him with you. You always seemed to love my babies as much as I do.

Kenzie still remembers your bald head and all your cute hats. She thinks you live inside the Temple. After teaching her one day about Christ being resurrected, she hopefully acknowledged that we will see you again 3 days after you died just like Jesus. It appears she has yet to understand the concept of time :)

Julia hasn't a clue who you are...but cherishes the pictures of you two together.

Xander...oh the feelings are so strong. I have the strongest feeling that he knows you quite well. A very strong impression comes to my heart that you two were side by side up there in heaven until his arrival here on earth. Xander is my little warrior. He will stand for truth and righteousness. Thank you Mom for preparing him...and warning him about how crazy I can be- Xander seems to be very tolerant to all the loud noises and chaos in our home.

The pain of missing you Mom has turned into gratitude more than anything. I just feel so grateful to have had you as a Mom. I completely trust God. I do not doubt that it was your time to go. I have faith. I feel grateful that I can take your death and see purpose and feel strength. I miss you, oh how I miss you...but it's ok, I truly see the bigger picture. Families are forever.

I'm thankful for the memories...sweet...wonderful memories. Well almost all sweet and wonderful- not so sweet when I got caught sneaking out of the house at 1 in the morning... and not so wonderful the time Joette and I walked in the house 8 hours pass curfew (the next morning)...but who needs to dwell on those moments?

Can't wait to see you again Mom...

happy birthday

faces of Christ

priorities

"When your priorities are out of order, you lose power."

~Sister Julie Beck

2 months

ok let me try to post this again...accidentally clicked "publish post" a little too soon.

Xander is now 2 months and some.

He is this little bundle of babyness...perfect in every way.

I am really enjoying this "4th trimester" with him.

I call the first 3 months with my babies the 4th trimester.

So Janna did it again. Here are some amazing photos of Xander when he was about 3 weeks old. Thanks Janna for coming to visit me...and for making me dinner and for always wanting to go to thrift stores with me.

death

Each day the girls and I have a "calendar" moment. Quickly we determine what day of the week it is, the date, month, season, and current weather. Today we went outside to see what the weather was like and it was sun shining, beautiful and chilly. The driveway was still damp from the early early morning thunderstorm.

The girls started to talk about how scared they were when they heard the thunder and when they saw the lightening flash in their room. And then suddenly I got a flashback from childhood- I remember being a little apprehensive about thunderstorms too when I was little, but my mom loved to hear the rain and watch the lightening from our big bay windows in the house I grew up in. We would snuggle up to Mom and watch the lightening and she would always always always sing, "Rhythm of the Rain" by the Cascades. I was never afraid once she started to sing.

I told the girls that story and Kenzie wanted to hear the song. I started to sing the song and tears welled up in my eyes. I was instantly so grateful for those special moments with my mom.

Last night I attended a funeral. Despite the sad circumstances, it was a beautiful funeral. The young man that died was glorified by all his friends and family. Amazing memories were shared and there were countless stories about how remarkable of a person this young man was. Everyone left that funeral wanting to be a better person.

I love how funerals spotlight a person's wonderful qualities. Although we are flawed by nature and we tend to make silly mistakes, we are still God's children and we all have the light of Christ in us.

It's hard to say but it was easy for me to see my mom's flaws when she was living but now that she is gone, it's hard for me to even remember her flaws and so easy to remember everything wonderful about her. I think death of a loved one helps us see a person as God sees the person.


Side thought that came to me on my drive home last night: Have you ever wondered what people will say about you when you die? What will you be remembered for?

armoire

I love saying the word armoire. armoire. My spell checker is saying armoire isn't a word or that I'm misspelling it, but I'm not. Wiktionary agrees with me also.

The day I went into labor I wasn't planning on going into labor. I usually go the full 40 weeks with my babies. So on July 7th I hauled the two girls and my big belly to Home Depot to get another paint roller brush for the armoire I was currently painting. The girls insisted I push them around in the "car" cart-



well the wheel was broken on the cart- and so it felt like I was pushing 2 tons of bricks instead of 2 little girls who together barely weigh 70 lbs. By the time I came home from my trip to the home depot, I was contracting.

So the Armoire. Armoire. Armoire. The armoire's drawers and doors were all over the living room.- Despite my uncomfortableness of being in LABOR, I quickly finished painting the armoire before going to the hospital. Well before the hospital we also went to Texas Road House for a good meal- because I wasn't sure when I'd get real food again.

After Xander was nicely established into our lives, we finished the armoire's last touches a couple weeks after he was born. I love how it turned out.

Here is the before: The oak finish was already sanded in this picture. But for those who want to know, it was just that dated 80's oak color that anyone over age 50 just LOVES. I know it's practically a sin to paint oak...especially for my Dad...and again to anyone over 50- but what can I say- it's got to be white!!!!

Before:



Here is Chay (with his socks on) cutting out the middle section of the armoire's doors with the hand saw.



and here is the after:





we cut out the middle of the doors and put glass in- and then I looked forever and a day for the perfect fabric or paper to put in the glass- and then I just gave up and used wrapping paper I had in my basement- but we designed it so it's easy to replace. We put mirrors on the other side of the glass so I can do make-up and hair in the bedroom instead of doing it in the 2x4 bathroom we all happen to share at the moment. Ok our bathroom is probably bigger than 2X4- but you get my point. SMALL SPACE.

anyway- I love the armoire. Fun project...what next can I paint????

life today is good

The Pumpkin Smash is back at Jamba.



I'm sipping on one right now. And I am so happy. Chay came home long enough to surprise me with one...and off he goes to ride his dirt bike.

weigh in wednesday 173 lbs??? Well probably because I was blasted with another episode of MS and mastitis and then strep throat welcomed itself earlier this week- so eating was hardly on the agenda. My health has been troublesome lately...but today I feel good. So I will focus on today.

Today is good. Life is good.

Especially good since I am ever so often graced by my little happy fairies that remind me life's happiness is found in the little things...



not that all my troubles go away if I sit on the tire swing...but almost, almost....until I try to get off the dang swing and my butt gets stuck.

Julia was afraid to go outside today with her fairy wings...she was certain the wind would carry her away. I had to remind her that if she did get carried away she would at least have wings that would help her fly back home. That didn't help- made it worse. But eventually she found herself outside...like most kids do when Daddy is willing to push them on the tire swing.



Xander.

Here are some pictures of my boy. I have a boy! I have such a little crush on Xander.








so handsome my little man



this is for Grandpa...both Grandpas because my Dad and Chay's Dad both bought Xander the same shirt...I hear red necks think alike....






see? Life is good.