Old Post- finally finished it. Even my journal is scattered brained. When will I ever figure it all out?
I want to write this as fast as I can because I tend to embellish on things not that important and then I waste my time- and then I realize that I never finished what I really wanted to write about and before I know it, a hour has passed away.
Yesterday I went to ward council to present our ward family history project to the ward. Then I taught the high priests and then I taught the youth in Sunday School- all about family history. I have the lesson in Relief Society next week. I am planning something big and exciting for our ward so many will go to the temple with an ancestor's name when our beautiful new temple opens in October!! It will take a lot of my brain and a lot of time but it is so worth it. I feel peace. Life makes sense. I love that the Lord trusts us with His work even though I depend on Him so much for His help. All. The. Time.
When I am focused on what is right (because at times I drift) this is what I want to do with my life: I want to serve my family and the church with everything I have until I fall over dead...living my days out tired but with peace in my life. Nothing else makes sense to me. And yes I have bad days, really bad days, and yes I get discouraged but the Lord somehow helps me carry on and I seem to make it through.
okay Memorial weekend. It started out with tears as Kenzie placed 4th in the Spelling Bee. She mastered all the second grade words at home but since the Spelling Bee went for a long time they had to move to the 3rd grade spelling list and we did not practice that list. She was so upset and I was sick to my stomach. I was so nervous for her but so proud that she placed 4th over the entire 2nd grade. She missed the word "Confess" She left off the last S. Her face broke my heart. I held her in that cafeteria as she sobbed in my arms. Every child who misspelled a word was sobbing in their mom's arms. It was actually slightly disturbing and I wondered if 2nd grade was too young for a spelling Bee until I heard a mom say that her 6th grader cried just as hard as her 2nd grader. Oh, I see. Hmmmm.
But the hardest part of the Spelling B was not Kenzie losing or her only placing 4th. The hardest part was the young boy who misspelled a word and had to sit down but had no one to go sit with because his parents weren't there. He sat all alone at a cafeteria table and buried his head in his arms and cried. Where was his Mom??? Doesn't she know this is a huge ordeal? Doesn't she know that he had to be one of the top 3 spellers in his class to even qualify for this spelling Bee? This little boy was beautiful- super tan with dark eyes. I went up to him and played mom. I told him he was super smart and he did awesome. I tried to comfort as much as a stranger can. He smiled a little. I get emotional every time I think of that little boy all alone who really needed his mommy at that moment. Moms!!! These are pivotal moments!! Be there!!
When I picked Kenzie and Julia up from school that afternoon I decided to make things a little better because I knew Kenzie was having a really bad day. I took them to a garden nursery and had them pick out a vegetable to plant (kids are so easy). Kenzie was excited to grow honey dew (we will see how it will grow) Xander picked out a pumpkin which made me laugh because we have no room in our backyard for a pumpkin plant. I am thinking I will let it spread to the back of the fence and then let it climb up our garden shed or something. Julia wanted honey dew too. We then went to this neighborhood nearby called Heritage Ranch. It is crazy awesome. Everyone in this beautiful neighborhood owns multiple horses. The houses are brand new and gorgeous. They have big training pastures right in the middle of the neighborhood for everyone to use. Every house had a big pasture with stables as well. It was so awesome. I had my own horse when I was a child and I loved riding. Mckenzie loves horses as well. I knew she would love this. We parked our van and pet some horses. I think Kenzie has a real gift of gentleness and animals and children are really drawn to her. Julia for some reason wanted to stay in the car- what 6 year old wants to sit in the car when there are horses to see. Oh Julia. She makes every day so interesting.
After that we went to the old Farr's ice cream shop. It is in the coolest oldest building and it so happens to be across the street from the Ogden Temple. I let everyone choose their favorite ice cream and we sat outside and looked at the temple. We noticed that the eating area we were sitting at had trash everywhere. I asked the kids what would help solve this trash problem. I had them look around. Julia of course "Why don't they have a garbage can out here so we have a place to throw away our napkins?" Bingo. I then got a garbage bag from the car and we picked up the whole eating grass picnic area. It felt good and the kids thought it was so fun. Except Julia, but she was willing. As we were leaving we saw a family throw their garbage on the ground. Wow the kids got upset. Disappointing.
Kenzie was feeling better. I gave her a little eye opening speech. I told her that honestly a Spelling Bee means nothing. It doesn't mean you're not smart, it doesn't mean that you're better or not better than anyone. I told her that accomplishment is fun and it is good to challenge yourself but really all that really matters is that you keep doing your best. Just go through life doing Heavenly Father's will- loving, working hard, doing your best, serving others, keeping the commandments. These things bring the greatest happiness. Not winning a Spelling Bee. But the both of us are determined to do awesome next year and master both 3rd and 4th grade spelling lists. I hate stuff like this- spelling bees. ahhhh yuck, but whatever.
I know Kenzie will still listen to me but she is approaching a time in her life that maybe she won't so much. Taking advantage as much as I can.
We went on an awesome hike Saturday. It was pretty challenging for Xander but he pulled through and did great. He kind of got tired on the way down and then he fell and then he decided he was done being strong and brave. Chay had Sam on his back in a backpack and then when I didn't think I could carry Xander anymore Chay took both boys. We hiked up Waterfall Canyon and we made it to a beautiful waterfall falling 100+ feet. It was so beautiful. I love how that hike is a wait-until-the-end-have-patience-the-prize-comes-after-a-lot-of-work type hike. The kids kept anticipating the waterfall and could not see it, only hear it, until you got to the end of the hike. It was such a sight to see. Great analogy to use in the gospel.
I love where I live. Ogden Utah is beautiful. We are smack up against the huge breathtaking mountains. We have two rivers close by- the canyons are a 5 minute drive from our house. We have 2 big reservoirs 20 minutes away. 3 ski resorts 20-30 minutes drive. There are lots of parks everywhere. I love the Downtown city area and the diverse people. I love the heritage of the city. People used to tell me that Ogden was the armpit of Utah. So not true. I mean, yes, it is ghettoville in some places and downtown neighborhoods can be a little scary but for the most part it's really pretty and it has really grown on me the last couple years. I am proud to say where I live. The mountains here are AMAZING. Poke right up through the clouds almost to heaven. They are green right now and there are spots of white snow still- rocky ridges. I love it.
I will forever call North Idaho and North East Washington my home. I love where I grew up and I wish I could find a way to move there but Chay's career is here in Utah right now and I really can't do much about that. We have looked and looked for opportunities to move home but nothing seems to workout at the moment. I have made a choice to love Northern Utah- we have been here 7 years and I am finally loving it. It's about time. I feel it is important to love every place you go because you never know where God will need you and place you- even if it isn't where you prefer to be.
Sunday Morning I woke up with Julia, Xander, and Sam in my bed with Chay and I. We were so scrunched. But I woke up so incredibly happy because I was surrounded by my kids and Chay- the people I love most. Sure I wasn't comfortable but I'm sort of pass that by now. I want memories of kids snuggling up with me in bed more than memories of a good night's sleep. Those days of full night sleeps are coming and so for now, I will love it. Now if it happened every single night-um, maybe I would start going a little crazy. But I am just relaxed and just used to it for the most part. Baby cries at night, I just throw him in bed with me- nurse him, fall asleep somewhere in there. I don't mind that soft baby skin- no matter what time of the night it is. I have changed.With Kenzie I thought my world was falling apart if I didn't sleep well at night. It was so hard-but now I guess I'm just used to it. It's really not that big of a deal like it used to be.
Sam is beyond cute. In my mind I can't think of anything more wonderful and perfect than my Sammy. He has the heartiest laugh. He gets so excited he can't contain himself. He has beautiful curly red hair. He is a huge snuggle baby. He loves to be hugged. He loves to play with my long hair when he gets sleepy. He rubs it all over his face. So adorable. He is 16 months and only scoots across the floor on his bum bum. It is so fun to watch him cruise down the hallway on his butt. He has mastered it pretty well. I am not totally worried yet. I think he will figure out walking eventually. I just love love love that little boy so much. He has a temper but I just know him so well that I don't read into it that much. His temper is actually kind of entertaining to all of us. We just laugh at him. He is a great baby and I just want him to know someday how much we overly enjoyed him as a baby. All the kids love and adore him so much.
Tuesday, August 05, 2014
The month of May 2014 Part 2
Monday we worked around the house. Chay is a really hard worker. He is always so busy and finishes a ton of things around the house. It is seriously so attractive. I love Chay so much. He makes my heart skip a beat- most of the time. How on earth did I get so dang lucky???? How??? Thank you to any of you angels on the other side who helped orchestrate me finding Chay. Maybe it was my children up in heaven? Who knows. I am so thankful that I served a mission. I knew I had to and I didn't know why. I know now it was so I could come home and meet Chay in Portuguese Class at BYU-Idaho. He was just this goofy kid with messy bed head hair who always wore the same red hooded sweatshirt with little holes in the sleeves. But he radiated goodness and he glowed from head to toe. When he spoke and when he laughed it was like "Is this guy for real?" He didn't have a lick of anything negative or bad about him. He was wholesome. I remember thinking "I don't know if I deserve anyone like this, but I need to marry this man- he is way too good to pass up." He was humble, funny, kind, obedient, tall! He was tall!
He also had no direction in his life. He had no clue what he wanted to do for a profession and he stressed about it for awhile. For some reason I didn't want to care. I just didn't care. I just knew that when I was around him I felt complete peace and I knew he would always be faithful to me and the Lord. I felt so comfortable around him.
Chay is a great Daddy. He takes the kids outside a lot and will give them rides on the 4 wheeler. Chay is really good with Sam and it is so adorable to see them together. On our hike it was priceless to see the girls beg to hold Daddy's hand as they walked down the steep trail.
Friday Chay interviewed for a job. He somehow knew this was the job he really really wanted. We have been doing everything on our part to advance in his career. He earned his masters degree a couple years ago, he certified with his PHR- professional human resources- he was gaining more and more experience in his current job. He was actually shaping out his future and entering a point in his life where he was becoming very qualified to advance to the next thing- whatever that was. Chay started applying and interviewing inside his own company for every opportunity he was qualified for. He asked for promotions. He was constantly being denied and he felt like he wasn't being valued for his work. He would doubt himself and get down and then he would snap out of it and just move forward always looking for better opportunities. He is resilient.
He started to apply for jobs outside his company and he would almost always land an interview and many times he was a final candidate. Far too many times we got our hopes up and then only to find out Chay wasn't selected for the position. We got sick to our stomachs a couple times- I felt like I was going to puke about a couple jobs where we were certain Chay would get it, but didn't. Why? Why?
We just kept being anxiously engaged in this good cause and praying for guidance but continually applying for jobs. Doing our part.
Chay was looking for about a year and then he stepped it up more intensely for about 3 months. We decided that we weren't going to stop until we found the job that was right. We knew we wanted something else then what we currently had. We looked almost nightly. We even applied to jobs in Texas and Alaska. Oregon, Idaho, Washington- We knew we couldn't be picky when we were relying on the Lord to direct us to where we needed to go. People can't expect the Lord's help when they put limits and boundaries on what the Lord can do for them. We have to be willing to put it all out on the table and trust the best thing will happen.
On Friday during Kenzie's Spelling Bee Chay was interviewing for a job as assistant Director of HR of a hospital. Hello, my heart and stomach could only take so much.
2 weeks before the interview Chay made a huge decision. He sold his most favorite thing (besides me)- he sold his dirt bike. We really want to push getting out of debt and pay off student loans. We talked about selling his bike for awhile but it seemed to be that ultimate sacrifice and I was going to stay out of that decision as far as I could. All I told him once was "All or Nothing. Either sell it and never look back or keep it and enjoy it. Nothing in-between." And then one day he sold it. I was so so sad for him. I decided to join and I sold a lot of things around that house that I was holding on to. I also gave up my kitchen fund and put it towards debt as well. I can live with a nasty kitchen. I am still happy even though I have 70's green linoleum going up to the ceiling.
We really wanted the Lord to know that we were willing to sacrifice anything to accomplish our goals and to keep the commandment of getting out of debt. This month we put 5K towards debt! Awesome possum. Dave Ramsey would be so proud. Dave Ramsey has been our little financial adviser. I feel that he is the perfect fit for Chay and I. Simple, easy to understand, motivating- and I love that he is Christian and implements Christian principles into getting out of debt and finances.
During all of this, Chay was preparing for a job interview. We were actually both surprised that he made it to the interview rounds. We were constantly looking for opportunities and since it was in the mindset to apply for a couple jobs a week- Chay happened to run across this specific job and said, "What the heck, why not, right?" I saw the job listing a couple times but I didn't think Chay was qualified. Chay just said, "Why would I not apply for this? It's a director position." I loved his confidence despite all the many times he had been denied. When the hospital called to set up an interview, Chay was so surprised and then he decided right away he was going to get this job. He then decided to call the hospital so he could get a feel for the job he was interviewing for. The secretary mentioned that the Director was in his office and that Chay could just ask him anything he wanted to right then. Chay jumped on the unusual opportunity and the conversation with the Director went great. When Chay interviewed, the Director said that Chay was the only candidate to call and talk to him and the secretary in person before the interview. He also said that he noticed Chay talking and engaging to other employees while waiting for his interview and was very friendly instead of just sitting there checking notes on his phone like the other candidates did- that really impressed the director.
We also got a power suit. We went down to men's warehouse and got him a real suit and decided to keep his $20 suit from Savers in the closet this time. Chay looked great. I mean, really great. :) I don't know what a nice suit does to a man, but he seemed pretty dang confident once he put it on.
The prayers- oh the prayers. Something seemed different about this job. We went to the temple and we fasted. The first interview went awesome. Chay was pretty confident but I was less confident because almost all of his previous interviews went "awesome" and they all seemed to love Chay but never worked out. So I didn't want to get my hopes up. We learned from past experience to never pray to get a job. We learned to pray for faith despite what happens. We learned to pray that those interviewing Chay will feel inspired to do the right thing and that we may remain faithful no matter what. We prayed that we could trust in God's plan for us. Chay prayed that he would say the right thing and the right words would come to his mind.
Chay came in for a second interview and he was introduced to the whole HR team he would be over. He also met with the CEO and VP of the hospital. That night we felt we should get to the temple. We were nervous and anxious and needed to feel peace about everything. We did baptisms for our own family names. I have been bringing family names to the temple because of my calling as family history consultant which makes me feel that it is something I should do and learn how to do. Now I am teaching the whole ward to do it, so we can all come to the temple as a ward and do their own ancestor's work. Pretty exciting. I am teaching a family history class every Sunday and doing a workshop at the church every Wednesday night. I will do 2 mutual activities with the YM and YW and then as a ward we will reserve 2 nights at the new Ogden Temple and have a youth baptism night and an adult session a week later- they have until the end of September to find at least one name! Awesome! It has been hard hard work but I can tell that the members are taking over and their enthusiasm makes it so easy. I just have to teach and sort of motivate- once they start, the spirit of Elijah takes hold of their hearts and helps turn them. So far I have over 30 ward members submitting names to the temple.
Okay, back to Chay.
After we did baptisms we got in the car. We were at the Brigham City Temple in the parking garage. Chay turned on his phone and we noticed he had a voice mail. Who leaves voice mails anymore?? Chay saw that it was from Kelly, the Director. Together we listened to the message and Kelly said, no matter what time it is, please call me back. So we decided to drive out of the garage for better service on Chay's phone and we parked right in front of the temple. We had this perfect view of the Brigham City Temple in all it's grandeur. Chay called back Kelly and we were holding each other's hand so tight. It kind of hurt so I had to let go and just let Chay get through this. We were sitting in his little S10 chevy truck. Kelly offered Chay the job.
But what Kelly said about Chay was so memorable besides this little small miracle of getting the job. Kelly really praised Chay and told him how impressed he was with him. He said that everyone loved Chay when they met him and even the CEO said he was a perfect fit. He said that Chay was a man of high caliber and that he knew from the first time they met on the phone that he was the man for the job. Chay got teary-eyed on the phone. It was sweet but I kept saying under my breath "don't let him hear you cry!" ha ha ha.
So since this is my blog and I can write forever about this neat experience and no one will really appreciate it, not even my children, except for Chay and I. We have been through so much together and we went through some really hard times. I know Chay was stressed for a few years and he worked so hard to become qualified in his field. We never lost sight of our goals. We kept trying to look at the future knowing where we wanted to be someday even though on some days it seemed unlikely. We never imagined we would take such a huge jump so fast and since we see God's hand in this everywhere, we trust that there is a reason. I know for one thing we will be able to serve better and if that is what the Lord wants us to do, we will be ready.
To my children and grandchildren one day- let me explain the formula and where we saw blessings from obedience in all of this:
*God loves His children and will bless them regardless. He is kind and merciful.
*If you work hard and have a goal, the hard times seem bearable...and again, trust God.
*Pay your tithing! Just do it. I have too many stories from others and myself that prove the Lord will bless those who pay tithing. It is also a way to show gratitude and love to Heavenly Father for all He has blessed us with even though we don't have to ever "earn" his love because He loves us regardless, but we grow and we love the Lord more when we serve him- just like you learn to love others around you more when you serve them. Eternal Principle.
*Pay your Fast Offerings- help the poor eat. It is our duty to help the poor.
*A few general conferences ago President Thomas S. Monson asked that we start donating to the ward mission fund. I took that as a commandment. I didn't want to question, I just wanted to follow. I knew it was a good thing and that many missionaries can't afford to serve a mission. So we just started to pay it, out of obedience. Didn't really think about it but as I reflect certain blessings it has been confirmed to me that we have been blessed for doing so.
*Going to the Temple. It's a pretty awesome place. I wish the world could feel that peace. I know you can feel peace in prayer and in nature- but the work that is performed and the time you spend there in the service for others- the quietness, everyone dressed in white, the instruction we receive- it really is the ultimatum platform for peace. It's the real deal. Go to the temple. Your lives will be blessed.
*Family History- powerful. I am so tender lately. I feel Heavenly Father's Love through the Holy Ghost so much more now since I have been immersed in doing Family History- even with helping others do theirs. I know that as we help our ancestors, they will in return help us.
*Family Home Evenings, Family Prayer, Family Scripture study- We aren't perfect at this but we are forever trying. It's because my name is Chaos. But we plow through and we make the best of it. At least we are instilling in our children's hearts a habit that we always pray together, we read scriptures daily, we have family home evening- despite how effective it really might be sometimes.
*Get out of debt. Our prayers most often went kind of like this. "Heavenly Father we really want to get out of debt. Please help us find ways to increase our income so that we can put everything extra down on debt. We want to keep this commandment and we don't want to be in bondage to anything anymore. Help Chay find a job that pays more, or be with him and his manager when Chay asks for a promotion." Those kind of words would come out of our mouths when we prayed together.
So when Chay got this job, we kept our promise and we are putting everything down on debt until it is gone. Never again.
So there- a few of the things we did that merited blessings from on high. I feel impressed to share them so they might be of strength to my posterity someday who might be going through some similar life situations. Or whoever. I know this blog is public for now but I don't think that many people read it- it has turned terribly boring for the better.
good night
He also had no direction in his life. He had no clue what he wanted to do for a profession and he stressed about it for awhile. For some reason I didn't want to care. I just didn't care. I just knew that when I was around him I felt complete peace and I knew he would always be faithful to me and the Lord. I felt so comfortable around him.
Chay is a great Daddy. He takes the kids outside a lot and will give them rides on the 4 wheeler. Chay is really good with Sam and it is so adorable to see them together. On our hike it was priceless to see the girls beg to hold Daddy's hand as they walked down the steep trail.
Friday Chay interviewed for a job. He somehow knew this was the job he really really wanted. We have been doing everything on our part to advance in his career. He earned his masters degree a couple years ago, he certified with his PHR- professional human resources- he was gaining more and more experience in his current job. He was actually shaping out his future and entering a point in his life where he was becoming very qualified to advance to the next thing- whatever that was. Chay started applying and interviewing inside his own company for every opportunity he was qualified for. He asked for promotions. He was constantly being denied and he felt like he wasn't being valued for his work. He would doubt himself and get down and then he would snap out of it and just move forward always looking for better opportunities. He is resilient.
He started to apply for jobs outside his company and he would almost always land an interview and many times he was a final candidate. Far too many times we got our hopes up and then only to find out Chay wasn't selected for the position. We got sick to our stomachs a couple times- I felt like I was going to puke about a couple jobs where we were certain Chay would get it, but didn't. Why? Why?
We just kept being anxiously engaged in this good cause and praying for guidance but continually applying for jobs. Doing our part.
Chay was looking for about a year and then he stepped it up more intensely for about 3 months. We decided that we weren't going to stop until we found the job that was right. We knew we wanted something else then what we currently had. We looked almost nightly. We even applied to jobs in Texas and Alaska. Oregon, Idaho, Washington- We knew we couldn't be picky when we were relying on the Lord to direct us to where we needed to go. People can't expect the Lord's help when they put limits and boundaries on what the Lord can do for them. We have to be willing to put it all out on the table and trust the best thing will happen.
On Friday during Kenzie's Spelling Bee Chay was interviewing for a job as assistant Director of HR of a hospital. Hello, my heart and stomach could only take so much.
2 weeks before the interview Chay made a huge decision. He sold his most favorite thing (besides me)- he sold his dirt bike. We really want to push getting out of debt and pay off student loans. We talked about selling his bike for awhile but it seemed to be that ultimate sacrifice and I was going to stay out of that decision as far as I could. All I told him once was "All or Nothing. Either sell it and never look back or keep it and enjoy it. Nothing in-between." And then one day he sold it. I was so so sad for him. I decided to join and I sold a lot of things around that house that I was holding on to. I also gave up my kitchen fund and put it towards debt as well. I can live with a nasty kitchen. I am still happy even though I have 70's green linoleum going up to the ceiling.
We really wanted the Lord to know that we were willing to sacrifice anything to accomplish our goals and to keep the commandment of getting out of debt. This month we put 5K towards debt! Awesome possum. Dave Ramsey would be so proud. Dave Ramsey has been our little financial adviser. I feel that he is the perfect fit for Chay and I. Simple, easy to understand, motivating- and I love that he is Christian and implements Christian principles into getting out of debt and finances.
During all of this, Chay was preparing for a job interview. We were actually both surprised that he made it to the interview rounds. We were constantly looking for opportunities and since it was in the mindset to apply for a couple jobs a week- Chay happened to run across this specific job and said, "What the heck, why not, right?" I saw the job listing a couple times but I didn't think Chay was qualified. Chay just said, "Why would I not apply for this? It's a director position." I loved his confidence despite all the many times he had been denied. When the hospital called to set up an interview, Chay was so surprised and then he decided right away he was going to get this job. He then decided to call the hospital so he could get a feel for the job he was interviewing for. The secretary mentioned that the Director was in his office and that Chay could just ask him anything he wanted to right then. Chay jumped on the unusual opportunity and the conversation with the Director went great. When Chay interviewed, the Director said that Chay was the only candidate to call and talk to him and the secretary in person before the interview. He also said that he noticed Chay talking and engaging to other employees while waiting for his interview and was very friendly instead of just sitting there checking notes on his phone like the other candidates did- that really impressed the director.
We also got a power suit. We went down to men's warehouse and got him a real suit and decided to keep his $20 suit from Savers in the closet this time. Chay looked great. I mean, really great. :) I don't know what a nice suit does to a man, but he seemed pretty dang confident once he put it on.
The prayers- oh the prayers. Something seemed different about this job. We went to the temple and we fasted. The first interview went awesome. Chay was pretty confident but I was less confident because almost all of his previous interviews went "awesome" and they all seemed to love Chay but never worked out. So I didn't want to get my hopes up. We learned from past experience to never pray to get a job. We learned to pray for faith despite what happens. We learned to pray that those interviewing Chay will feel inspired to do the right thing and that we may remain faithful no matter what. We prayed that we could trust in God's plan for us. Chay prayed that he would say the right thing and the right words would come to his mind.
Chay came in for a second interview and he was introduced to the whole HR team he would be over. He also met with the CEO and VP of the hospital. That night we felt we should get to the temple. We were nervous and anxious and needed to feel peace about everything. We did baptisms for our own family names. I have been bringing family names to the temple because of my calling as family history consultant which makes me feel that it is something I should do and learn how to do. Now I am teaching the whole ward to do it, so we can all come to the temple as a ward and do their own ancestor's work. Pretty exciting. I am teaching a family history class every Sunday and doing a workshop at the church every Wednesday night. I will do 2 mutual activities with the YM and YW and then as a ward we will reserve 2 nights at the new Ogden Temple and have a youth baptism night and an adult session a week later- they have until the end of September to find at least one name! Awesome! It has been hard hard work but I can tell that the members are taking over and their enthusiasm makes it so easy. I just have to teach and sort of motivate- once they start, the spirit of Elijah takes hold of their hearts and helps turn them. So far I have over 30 ward members submitting names to the temple.
Okay, back to Chay.
After we did baptisms we got in the car. We were at the Brigham City Temple in the parking garage. Chay turned on his phone and we noticed he had a voice mail. Who leaves voice mails anymore?? Chay saw that it was from Kelly, the Director. Together we listened to the message and Kelly said, no matter what time it is, please call me back. So we decided to drive out of the garage for better service on Chay's phone and we parked right in front of the temple. We had this perfect view of the Brigham City Temple in all it's grandeur. Chay called back Kelly and we were holding each other's hand so tight. It kind of hurt so I had to let go and just let Chay get through this. We were sitting in his little S10 chevy truck. Kelly offered Chay the job.
But what Kelly said about Chay was so memorable besides this little small miracle of getting the job. Kelly really praised Chay and told him how impressed he was with him. He said that everyone loved Chay when they met him and even the CEO said he was a perfect fit. He said that Chay was a man of high caliber and that he knew from the first time they met on the phone that he was the man for the job. Chay got teary-eyed on the phone. It was sweet but I kept saying under my breath "don't let him hear you cry!" ha ha ha.
So since this is my blog and I can write forever about this neat experience and no one will really appreciate it, not even my children, except for Chay and I. We have been through so much together and we went through some really hard times. I know Chay was stressed for a few years and he worked so hard to become qualified in his field. We never lost sight of our goals. We kept trying to look at the future knowing where we wanted to be someday even though on some days it seemed unlikely. We never imagined we would take such a huge jump so fast and since we see God's hand in this everywhere, we trust that there is a reason. I know for one thing we will be able to serve better and if that is what the Lord wants us to do, we will be ready.
To my children and grandchildren one day- let me explain the formula and where we saw blessings from obedience in all of this:
*God loves His children and will bless them regardless. He is kind and merciful.
*If you work hard and have a goal, the hard times seem bearable...and again, trust God.
*Pay your tithing! Just do it. I have too many stories from others and myself that prove the Lord will bless those who pay tithing. It is also a way to show gratitude and love to Heavenly Father for all He has blessed us with even though we don't have to ever "earn" his love because He loves us regardless, but we grow and we love the Lord more when we serve him- just like you learn to love others around you more when you serve them. Eternal Principle.
*Pay your Fast Offerings- help the poor eat. It is our duty to help the poor.
*A few general conferences ago President Thomas S. Monson asked that we start donating to the ward mission fund. I took that as a commandment. I didn't want to question, I just wanted to follow. I knew it was a good thing and that many missionaries can't afford to serve a mission. So we just started to pay it, out of obedience. Didn't really think about it but as I reflect certain blessings it has been confirmed to me that we have been blessed for doing so.
*Going to the Temple. It's a pretty awesome place. I wish the world could feel that peace. I know you can feel peace in prayer and in nature- but the work that is performed and the time you spend there in the service for others- the quietness, everyone dressed in white, the instruction we receive- it really is the ultimatum platform for peace. It's the real deal. Go to the temple. Your lives will be blessed.
*Family History- powerful. I am so tender lately. I feel Heavenly Father's Love through the Holy Ghost so much more now since I have been immersed in doing Family History- even with helping others do theirs. I know that as we help our ancestors, they will in return help us.
*Family Home Evenings, Family Prayer, Family Scripture study- We aren't perfect at this but we are forever trying. It's because my name is Chaos. But we plow through and we make the best of it. At least we are instilling in our children's hearts a habit that we always pray together, we read scriptures daily, we have family home evening- despite how effective it really might be sometimes.
*Get out of debt. Our prayers most often went kind of like this. "Heavenly Father we really want to get out of debt. Please help us find ways to increase our income so that we can put everything extra down on debt. We want to keep this commandment and we don't want to be in bondage to anything anymore. Help Chay find a job that pays more, or be with him and his manager when Chay asks for a promotion." Those kind of words would come out of our mouths when we prayed together.
So when Chay got this job, we kept our promise and we are putting everything down on debt until it is gone. Never again.
So there- a few of the things we did that merited blessings from on high. I feel impressed to share them so they might be of strength to my posterity someday who might be going through some similar life situations. Or whoever. I know this blog is public for now but I don't think that many people read it- it has turned terribly boring for the better.
good night
Thursday, July 31, 2014
walking in the rain
Summer is crazy when it comes to getting your kids to sleep before 10 PM! We try our best but we are tricked by the forever long days with sunlight until 9:30 at night.
The other night the kids were ready for bed and it was 10 o'clock. The weather has been wonderfully odd for July with light rain showers off and on, clouded overcast, and temperatures at least 25 degrees cooler. I wanted to go for a walk after the kids were asleep. Well I wanted to go running with Chay but he kind of gave me the look that I was too slow. I knew the look so I clued in real fast. Kenzie overheard our conversation and she kindly asked me if she could come with me.
Everything inside of me was saying "NO." It was super late and it was dark outside and Kenzie is only 8 years old. But why not? Why not? She is growing up and understands a lot and she is suddenly craving alone time with me and Dad. I kind of felt the push to be with her alone that night without all the kids hanging around. She has been a lot more opinionated lately and has been having these crazy outburst of emotional surges where she feels life is so unfair. She will beg for something and if I say no she will sort of freak out and if I don't handle the situation well she will freak out even worse. It doesn't happen a lot but I sense that she is trying to feel validated. This is all new to me. I have never experienced a child growing up and who suddenly has a strong opinion about certain things. She is as sweet as ever but I can tell that little things are going on in that developing mind and that little body of hers. So I am glad the Holy Ghost told me to take Kenzie with me on that walk. I told her to go get her running shoes on.
We started to run a little but she just ate her third bowl of soup 30 minutes before (she is starving all the time lately) and so Kenzie got a terrible side ache. We ended up just walking around the neighborhood. It started to sprinkle and it felt so good. Off to the northwest was a distant lightening storm. It was pretty much perfect. We held hands and walked around the neighborhood together and talked.
I like to listen to the Mormon Channel on my phone in the morning sometimes when I am hurting and don't want to move yet and get out of bed. One day I listened to 1 part of a series on Communication With The Family. It suggested that when you have one-on-ones with a child that you make sure to just listen as long as you can and let the child just talk about everything and anything so the child feels safe with her feelings and don't pass any judgement on them. So I practiced not saying much and Kenzie just rambled off about stories from school, church, friends, cousins. She asked why a certain friend doesn't come to church very often. She also said that she is excited for school to start and can't wait to be with her friends again.
When she said she wanted to go back to school it kind of stung a little. She has never said that before. Summer and being home with family has always been her ideal choice. I know it is selfish of me but it is hard to see her change. I know outside friendships are crucial to growing up and developing problem solving skills- especially in the social realm but it is still hard for mommy. For some reason Kenzie doesn't want to play dolls as much with Julia and it makes Julia sad. I don't know why Kenzie is suddenly changing. I feel like just 2 months ago she was all about dolls and princesses and imagining. She does every now and then but it seems like she is looking for more.
I will take these new steps and changes with gratitude and I will try to be so excited for her as she slowly leaves little childhood. Wow the inspiration and revelation in the church to not baptize until a child is 8 years old is pretty much perfectly and heavenly designed. Something happens at 8. A child really knows between right and wrong at 8. It also proves that a child must have a testimony and strong faith by 8 because their brain and thought processing switches.
They go from obeying and soaking in all the truth as a little child leaning and trusting every word that comes out of their parent's mouth then switching to asking questions, doubting, figuring things out on their own, wondering why, having their own ideas, looking to influences outside the home, making their own choices- all this emerges when they are around 8 years old-
And as parents we should honor this new and exciting change and not take it as a threat to their role as parent. Let the person grow- Motto to myself "don't be defensive to growth" I have to tell myself this because I sort of get all crazy when Kenzie questions my authority. I am her Mom and there will always be rules but I feel that I and other parents get carried away with separating and placing the child below us as we stand 10 feet higher above them. (Like Mr. President Business, Ha Ha) Then as parents we easily fall into "unrighteous dominion" as we struggle to keep control and uphold this role that we have created in our heads as these "good" parents who feel they always have to be in charge, always have the last say, always be right. I think unrighteous dominion can hinder progression in a child and ultimately a person's skills to rely on the Holy Ghost and make choices for themselves. It is a fine line. A very fine line I am discovering to balance rules and expectations from parents versus allowing a child to think, feel, and decide for themselves especially when you know that child is making a poor decision. That is why parents need to pray every day. Ha. Because it is hard! So incredibly hard!
So um, I totally get off on tangents at times. So Back to my story about Kenzie and I walking in the rain..
Kenzie talked and I practiced listening. Listening allowed her to feel respected and so she wanted to learn from me. She then would ask questions that allowed me to say how I felt. It was so good. I thanked Heavenly Father over and over for that night together. I was also thankful that even though Kenzie is growing up and moving on to other things, she still highly preferred we hold hands the entire walk and then I knew she is still so so young and I loved it.
We loved getting wet together from the rain. She is such a sweet beautiful girl. It was like she could sense how I was feeling, or she just knows her mom really well but she said that night, "Mom, I am really excited to make new friends and go back to school but I will always treasure my family." It was so kind. She then asked me to teach her where north, east, west, and south were. :)
So we stopped in the middle of the street and I taught her. I told her that Utah is a perfect place to learn because we are blessed with these huge mountains off to the east and for the most part no matter where you are in the valley, the mountains will be to the east. We then thought of a million acronyms for the directions. Never Eat Soggy Waffles, Never Eat Soggy Watermelon, Never Eat Shredded Wheat- the usuals.
We got home from our walk around midnight. Chay was still out running. Crazy Clarks. The next morning Kenzie woke up and gave me the biggest hug and said, "Mom, last night was the best night ever."
I have been trying all summer to make their summer fun and memorable. We have been going places and doing a bunch of fun things and not once have I had a response like that from Kenzie.
The other night the kids were ready for bed and it was 10 o'clock. The weather has been wonderfully odd for July with light rain showers off and on, clouded overcast, and temperatures at least 25 degrees cooler. I wanted to go for a walk after the kids were asleep. Well I wanted to go running with Chay but he kind of gave me the look that I was too slow. I knew the look so I clued in real fast. Kenzie overheard our conversation and she kindly asked me if she could come with me.
Everything inside of me was saying "NO." It was super late and it was dark outside and Kenzie is only 8 years old. But why not? Why not? She is growing up and understands a lot and she is suddenly craving alone time with me and Dad. I kind of felt the push to be with her alone that night without all the kids hanging around. She has been a lot more opinionated lately and has been having these crazy outburst of emotional surges where she feels life is so unfair. She will beg for something and if I say no she will sort of freak out and if I don't handle the situation well she will freak out even worse. It doesn't happen a lot but I sense that she is trying to feel validated. This is all new to me. I have never experienced a child growing up and who suddenly has a strong opinion about certain things. She is as sweet as ever but I can tell that little things are going on in that developing mind and that little body of hers. So I am glad the Holy Ghost told me to take Kenzie with me on that walk. I told her to go get her running shoes on.
We started to run a little but she just ate her third bowl of soup 30 minutes before (she is starving all the time lately) and so Kenzie got a terrible side ache. We ended up just walking around the neighborhood. It started to sprinkle and it felt so good. Off to the northwest was a distant lightening storm. It was pretty much perfect. We held hands and walked around the neighborhood together and talked.
I like to listen to the Mormon Channel on my phone in the morning sometimes when I am hurting and don't want to move yet and get out of bed. One day I listened to 1 part of a series on Communication With The Family. It suggested that when you have one-on-ones with a child that you make sure to just listen as long as you can and let the child just talk about everything and anything so the child feels safe with her feelings and don't pass any judgement on them. So I practiced not saying much and Kenzie just rambled off about stories from school, church, friends, cousins. She asked why a certain friend doesn't come to church very often. She also said that she is excited for school to start and can't wait to be with her friends again.
When she said she wanted to go back to school it kind of stung a little. She has never said that before. Summer and being home with family has always been her ideal choice. I know it is selfish of me but it is hard to see her change. I know outside friendships are crucial to growing up and developing problem solving skills- especially in the social realm but it is still hard for mommy. For some reason Kenzie doesn't want to play dolls as much with Julia and it makes Julia sad. I don't know why Kenzie is suddenly changing. I feel like just 2 months ago she was all about dolls and princesses and imagining. She does every now and then but it seems like she is looking for more.
I will take these new steps and changes with gratitude and I will try to be so excited for her as she slowly leaves little childhood. Wow the inspiration and revelation in the church to not baptize until a child is 8 years old is pretty much perfectly and heavenly designed. Something happens at 8. A child really knows between right and wrong at 8. It also proves that a child must have a testimony and strong faith by 8 because their brain and thought processing switches.
They go from obeying and soaking in all the truth as a little child leaning and trusting every word that comes out of their parent's mouth then switching to asking questions, doubting, figuring things out on their own, wondering why, having their own ideas, looking to influences outside the home, making their own choices- all this emerges when they are around 8 years old-
And as parents we should honor this new and exciting change and not take it as a threat to their role as parent. Let the person grow- Motto to myself "don't be defensive to growth" I have to tell myself this because I sort of get all crazy when Kenzie questions my authority. I am her Mom and there will always be rules but I feel that I and other parents get carried away with separating and placing the child below us as we stand 10 feet higher above them. (Like Mr. President Business, Ha Ha) Then as parents we easily fall into "unrighteous dominion" as we struggle to keep control and uphold this role that we have created in our heads as these "good" parents who feel they always have to be in charge, always have the last say, always be right. I think unrighteous dominion can hinder progression in a child and ultimately a person's skills to rely on the Holy Ghost and make choices for themselves. It is a fine line. A very fine line I am discovering to balance rules and expectations from parents versus allowing a child to think, feel, and decide for themselves especially when you know that child is making a poor decision. That is why parents need to pray every day. Ha. Because it is hard! So incredibly hard!
So um, I totally get off on tangents at times. So Back to my story about Kenzie and I walking in the rain..
Kenzie talked and I practiced listening. Listening allowed her to feel respected and so she wanted to learn from me. She then would ask questions that allowed me to say how I felt. It was so good. I thanked Heavenly Father over and over for that night together. I was also thankful that even though Kenzie is growing up and moving on to other things, she still highly preferred we hold hands the entire walk and then I knew she is still so so young and I loved it.
We loved getting wet together from the rain. She is such a sweet beautiful girl. It was like she could sense how I was feeling, or she just knows her mom really well but she said that night, "Mom, I am really excited to make new friends and go back to school but I will always treasure my family." It was so kind. She then asked me to teach her where north, east, west, and south were. :)
So we stopped in the middle of the street and I taught her. I told her that Utah is a perfect place to learn because we are blessed with these huge mountains off to the east and for the most part no matter where you are in the valley, the mountains will be to the east. We then thought of a million acronyms for the directions. Never Eat Soggy Waffles, Never Eat Soggy Watermelon, Never Eat Shredded Wheat- the usuals.
We got home from our walk around midnight. Chay was still out running. Crazy Clarks. The next morning Kenzie woke up and gave me the biggest hug and said, "Mom, last night was the best night ever."
I have been trying all summer to make their summer fun and memorable. We have been going places and doing a bunch of fun things and not once have I had a response like that from Kenzie.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
trying to be better at "writing it down"
Julia and Xander have been wanting to sleep together at night. So I let them. I love how all three kids are in the same room. I put all the toys, a big art table, and all the clothes in one room and all the beds in another. The room with the beds is above Sammy's bedroom which is in the basement. Since my house is old and loud and the wood floors through the house is the sub floor- it sounds like a herd of elephants whenever someone is jumping around or just moving upstairs. The kids never go into the bedroom where the beds are during the day, which makes nap time beautiful and possible for Sam downstairs. I think it was an ingenious idea if I so say so myself. :)
My neighbor gave me a huge old church 8 foot table. It is pretty beat up but I put it in the play room against a wall and put #10 cans all along the table filled with the essentials. I am so Mormon. Cans filled with Markers, crayons, tape, glue, scissors, rulers, stapler. There is a shelf with scrap paper and drawing pads. They sit at that table for hours creating and doing whatever. Julia loves to draw and color right now. She loves to spend time alone doing her thing. Coloring, drawing, building. She is safe with herself and loves alone time. But she also loves to play with her toys with Kenzie. Julia is just a hands on play player. She loves toys and loves to play with them. Loves to go over to people houses and see what toys they have.
Mckenzie has been growing up lately. She isn't into playing with imaginative play as much with Julia. It makes me so sad at times to see her move on to older things. Julia is right behind her but seems to still love love love to play with dolls and animals. So Julia asked and asked Kenzie one day to play with her and she kept saying no. So from that day on, Xander and Julia have become very close playmates. They have been going at it for 2 whole days. When I tell them to stop playing so we can leave or eat, they get upset. They build houses and all types of things out of Trios and K'nex and then play with them with horses and dolls. I love that Xander and Julia are so close. Trust me they have their moments where they are ready to kill each other but this summer has been so good for those two.
Yesterday I picked apricots. Our friend invited us over to pick her tree. It was an old tree and the apricots were at least 20 feet high. I got on an old rickety ladder and held a garden hoe in my hand and tried not to fall. I was so determined to get all the apricots I could. It reminded me of the summer before when Cynthia and I got free Cherries and I was climbing all over the tree way up high trying to get as many cherries as I could. I love it- it's the riskiest thing I've done for a long time. Mom's with small children don't get out much. Ha. The apricots were past good eating and were ready to be made into jam. That kind of stuff overwhelms me and ideally I wished I could have froze the apricots fresh but they were smooshy. And since I'm in a constant battle with trying to eliminate food loaded with sugar from my life, I can never fully commit to making homemade jam. Sorry kids. I know, I am weird. I will buy jam at the store for your peanut butter sandwiches but I will probably never slave over a hot stove in the middle of a scorching summer to make and can homemade jam. Not worth it to me. But I absolutely love being physical and picking apricots and whatever fruit from a tree. Now that is fun to me. So I gave all my apricots to my neighbor Cynthia and she gave me a jar of apricot jam. Worked out great.
During Family Home Evening I asked Xander what he thought the word fortify meant? He responded by counting 4,5,6? So cute. We built a wall out of mega blocks and talked about Captain Moroni's command to protect the cities by fortifying the walls. We explained how bad choices made our walls weak and righteous choices make them strong. Sam was Satan supposedly because he destroyed our wall in 2 minutes when we weren't looking!
The Lord really listens and cares about the small things. People probably thought I was crazy as I kept moving Kenzie around from piano teacher to piano teacher. I must have appeared to Kenzie as weak and indecisive as I kept giving up on her teachers and moving her around. For some reason her piano playing isn't taken lightly and I just feel this outside force to keep her going in the right direction with piano. If there was something that didn't feel right, I looked elsewhere. She is now taking Piano Lessons from Bravo Academy. It feels right. She has a teacher named Mr. Ferrington. He is so wonderful and I love him. He praises Kenzie all the time and sees everything good she does. The other day he told her, "I am honored to be your teacher. You amaze me." Love it! The academy is organized and gives her the perfect amount of incentive to keep her pushing along. Granted, we work hard together at home too. Kenzie always gets a little intimidated by her new assignments. The first few days I have to push push push to get her to attack the song with confidence. Then the rest of the week she practices like crazy all on her own and masters her song. Sometimes I have to sit by the piano with her for an hour or more encouraging and helping her figure out the songs. She can do hard things!!! She is learning the keys and what sounds good together and she is starting to make up her own music. My heart rejoices when I hear her creating. I feel like we have both worked so hard on her piano, that I rejoice in her successes and her growth right along with her!
My neighbor gave me a huge old church 8 foot table. It is pretty beat up but I put it in the play room against a wall and put #10 cans all along the table filled with the essentials. I am so Mormon. Cans filled with Markers, crayons, tape, glue, scissors, rulers, stapler. There is a shelf with scrap paper and drawing pads. They sit at that table for hours creating and doing whatever. Julia loves to draw and color right now. She loves to spend time alone doing her thing. Coloring, drawing, building. She is safe with herself and loves alone time. But she also loves to play with her toys with Kenzie. Julia is just a hands on play player. She loves toys and loves to play with them. Loves to go over to people houses and see what toys they have.
Mckenzie has been growing up lately. She isn't into playing with imaginative play as much with Julia. It makes me so sad at times to see her move on to older things. Julia is right behind her but seems to still love love love to play with dolls and animals. So Julia asked and asked Kenzie one day to play with her and she kept saying no. So from that day on, Xander and Julia have become very close playmates. They have been going at it for 2 whole days. When I tell them to stop playing so we can leave or eat, they get upset. They build houses and all types of things out of Trios and K'nex and then play with them with horses and dolls. I love that Xander and Julia are so close. Trust me they have their moments where they are ready to kill each other but this summer has been so good for those two.
Yesterday I picked apricots. Our friend invited us over to pick her tree. It was an old tree and the apricots were at least 20 feet high. I got on an old rickety ladder and held a garden hoe in my hand and tried not to fall. I was so determined to get all the apricots I could. It reminded me of the summer before when Cynthia and I got free Cherries and I was climbing all over the tree way up high trying to get as many cherries as I could. I love it- it's the riskiest thing I've done for a long time. Mom's with small children don't get out much. Ha. The apricots were past good eating and were ready to be made into jam. That kind of stuff overwhelms me and ideally I wished I could have froze the apricots fresh but they were smooshy. And since I'm in a constant battle with trying to eliminate food loaded with sugar from my life, I can never fully commit to making homemade jam. Sorry kids. I know, I am weird. I will buy jam at the store for your peanut butter sandwiches but I will probably never slave over a hot stove in the middle of a scorching summer to make and can homemade jam. Not worth it to me. But I absolutely love being physical and picking apricots and whatever fruit from a tree. Now that is fun to me. So I gave all my apricots to my neighbor Cynthia and she gave me a jar of apricot jam. Worked out great.
During Family Home Evening I asked Xander what he thought the word fortify meant? He responded by counting 4,5,6? So cute. We built a wall out of mega blocks and talked about Captain Moroni's command to protect the cities by fortifying the walls. We explained how bad choices made our walls weak and righteous choices make them strong. Sam was Satan supposedly because he destroyed our wall in 2 minutes when we weren't looking!
The Lord really listens and cares about the small things. People probably thought I was crazy as I kept moving Kenzie around from piano teacher to piano teacher. I must have appeared to Kenzie as weak and indecisive as I kept giving up on her teachers and moving her around. For some reason her piano playing isn't taken lightly and I just feel this outside force to keep her going in the right direction with piano. If there was something that didn't feel right, I looked elsewhere. She is now taking Piano Lessons from Bravo Academy. It feels right. She has a teacher named Mr. Ferrington. He is so wonderful and I love him. He praises Kenzie all the time and sees everything good she does. The other day he told her, "I am honored to be your teacher. You amaze me." Love it! The academy is organized and gives her the perfect amount of incentive to keep her pushing along. Granted, we work hard together at home too. Kenzie always gets a little intimidated by her new assignments. The first few days I have to push push push to get her to attack the song with confidence. Then the rest of the week she practices like crazy all on her own and masters her song. Sometimes I have to sit by the piano with her for an hour or more encouraging and helping her figure out the songs. She can do hard things!!! She is learning the keys and what sounds good together and she is starting to make up her own music. My heart rejoices when I hear her creating. I feel like we have both worked so hard on her piano, that I rejoice in her successes and her growth right along with her!
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Resilience
I am resilient. I figured that out about me this past week. I put a name to it. I am resilient. I do get down at times but I somehow climb out with renewed strength. I never give up even when I have failed a gazillion times. I like that about me.
thoughts/brainstorm of mine
No matter what,
there is always hope.
It's never too late.
There's always a way.
It can be done.
Eventually it will get better.
God will provide the means.
Never too old to learn and
never too young to understand.
I will get through this.
I know there's a solution.
The Lord will compensate.
The Lord will bless me.
This too shall pass.
Tired is for later.
Figure it out.
I am strong.
I am resilient.
Spiritually resilient to become strong and seek the Lord's help when doubt sneaks in.
Physically resilient to never accept poor health and to treat the body like a temple.
Emotionally resilient to look at discouragement in the face and know it hinders progression.
Find a solution, trust.
Victory not victim.
Resilience.
*We are working on a Clark Family Mission Statement and the word "Resilience" hit me with a thump to the heart. I was talking about it with my sister in laws last week and then I just knew, I just knew, resilience has to be one the main words- to the theme of our family.
Wow April, this feels so right.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
strong 62
It has been 62 days since I attempted my new change. It has been the best new year's resolution and best kept new year's resolution yet.
I have lost 32 pounds so far and I feel amazing. I feel strong. I feel like doing everything and I am MS symptom free. That overwhelming tiredness is gone.
It also helped that I was in a weight loss challenge with my sister in laws. It kept me motivated on days when I wasn't in the mood.
A lot of people have asked me what I am doing and so I thought I would share. Just a heads up- I wasn't perfect all the time and I had days where I screwed up my diet royally. I would just try to jump right back on board the next day. If you think I'm nuts and have gone A-wall then, good! I love being a tradition and culture breaker! The biggest difference I have made in my health is when I stopped listening to what everyone thought and broke away from what the FDA recommends- or Grandma- and then started listening and studying and figuring things out on my own.
I went 95% vegan. I cut out all animal products on most days. Anything and everything animal- dairy, eggs, fish, cheese, meat, chicken. Every now and then I would have a small bite of chicken, cheese, or an egg but from all my studying and learning, I know for me, vegan is the way to go. I really started to study out in my mind what eating meat "sparingly" really means--and I think I've got it down now. Sparingly is key.
I cut out all sugars- mostly. Even high sugar fruits like bananas, pineapples- if I did eat high sugar fruits it was on an empty stomach so it wouldn't be a sugar acidic overload. My fruits I eat freely are lemons, grapefruit, limes, tomatoes, avocados, bell peppers. On Sundays I would eat something sugary like a cookie or once pumpkin cheese cake. I could tell my body didn't know what to do with it and I felt puffy and bloated afterwards.
I went gluten free. Another thing I have played and practiced with for many years. I just can't do wheat. It just clogs me up and is too heavy for my system. In my opinion wheat is the number one weight gainer grain. I lose weight quickly once I say goodbye to bread. It is great for famine, filling empty bellies, and for comfort. Wheat and potatoes could solve world hunger if we could learn to distribute it better. I think wheat is a culture thing and isn't supposed to be eaten at every meal like most Americans do. But bread is sure good. I love it and I can't stop eating it once I start. I then feel gross and so so so tired after eating it. It takes me awhile to detox from bread.
I ate well over 2500 calories a day. Instead of heavy carbs, I ate quinoa, some oats, brown rice, organic corn. Brown rice and corn are actually not alkaline but it doesn't seem to affect my body like wheat does. I want to improve and venture out with buckwheat, chia, millet, and almond flour but I was too nervous during the weight loss challenge to experiment. I am a believer in good healthy oils. Coconut oil, avocado oil, olive oil, grapeseed oil. I ate hemp seed hearts everyday which is very high calorie and is high in protein. I also got some of my protein from edamame, quinoa and nuts. I ate an avocado everyday, well I would try.
My biggest meal or meals of the day were between 11:00 and 3:00. I don't think your biggest meal should be breakfast, it should be lunch. A heavy breakfast is torture to my metabolism and I start dragging the rest of the day. My big carb meals were always before 3 and for the rest of the day it was just salads and light stuff.
I quit eating by 6 at night if I could. I wasn't always perfect but I tried to be done by 6. I feel good in the mornings when I've been fasting for awhile. Fasting is really good for the body and mind. I have a super clear mind when I fast.
I drank a gallon of lemon water and/or green drink every day. Again, not always, but my goal was to drink 32 oz in the morning, 32 oz by lunch, 32 oz when the girls got home from school, and 32 oz before bed. water water water, Hydration. So important. My green drink is green tea free of course. It is just vegetables, grasses, and low sugar fruit in powder form.
Insanity. I bought the Insanity videos because simply they are amazing and I haven't found a harder work-out yet. There are 8 DVD's plus other DVD's that I haven't even done before but the first 4 are about 40 minutes long and those are my favorite. They are interval training videos where your heart peaks and then slows down and then peaks again for the entire work-out. Of what I read, interval cardio is the best fat blasting workout.
My favorite part of Insanity is how I feel the rest of the day- like seriously 15 years old again. Giddy, happy, tons of energy, jumping around and getting tons done. When I do the hour long Insanity work outs with the other 4 DVD's I actually feel wasted all day and don't have that skip to my step. I think I actually burned more calories through out the day by doing the short videos in the morning than I did with the hour long work-outs because I did more during the day and had more energy to accomplish more. I think I will do the short videos in the morning so I have a good day and maybe 3 times a week do the hour long ones at night so I can just go to bed afterwards. Insanity makes you SWEAT like crazy. I drip in sweat the whole time and I believe sweating is so incredibly healthy for the body.
My biggest weakness in the challenge was food journaling. Something I hate because I don't count calories or worry about portions but it was part of the challenge and so I had to do it. I lost probably 20 points over the course of the challenge because I didn't food journal.
So there you have it. It worked amazingly well and I hope to feel this great for...well for the rest of my life would be nice!
I have lost 32 pounds so far and I feel amazing. I feel strong. I feel like doing everything and I am MS symptom free. That overwhelming tiredness is gone.
It also helped that I was in a weight loss challenge with my sister in laws. It kept me motivated on days when I wasn't in the mood.
A lot of people have asked me what I am doing and so I thought I would share. Just a heads up- I wasn't perfect all the time and I had days where I screwed up my diet royally. I would just try to jump right back on board the next day. If you think I'm nuts and have gone A-wall then, good! I love being a tradition and culture breaker! The biggest difference I have made in my health is when I stopped listening to what everyone thought and broke away from what the FDA recommends- or Grandma- and then started listening and studying and figuring things out on my own.
I went 95% vegan. I cut out all animal products on most days. Anything and everything animal- dairy, eggs, fish, cheese, meat, chicken. Every now and then I would have a small bite of chicken, cheese, or an egg but from all my studying and learning, I know for me, vegan is the way to go. I really started to study out in my mind what eating meat "sparingly" really means--and I think I've got it down now. Sparingly is key.
I cut out all sugars- mostly. Even high sugar fruits like bananas, pineapples- if I did eat high sugar fruits it was on an empty stomach so it wouldn't be a sugar acidic overload. My fruits I eat freely are lemons, grapefruit, limes, tomatoes, avocados, bell peppers. On Sundays I would eat something sugary like a cookie or once pumpkin cheese cake. I could tell my body didn't know what to do with it and I felt puffy and bloated afterwards.
I went gluten free. Another thing I have played and practiced with for many years. I just can't do wheat. It just clogs me up and is too heavy for my system. In my opinion wheat is the number one weight gainer grain. I lose weight quickly once I say goodbye to bread. It is great for famine, filling empty bellies, and for comfort. Wheat and potatoes could solve world hunger if we could learn to distribute it better. I think wheat is a culture thing and isn't supposed to be eaten at every meal like most Americans do. But bread is sure good. I love it and I can't stop eating it once I start. I then feel gross and so so so tired after eating it. It takes me awhile to detox from bread.
I ate well over 2500 calories a day. Instead of heavy carbs, I ate quinoa, some oats, brown rice, organic corn. Brown rice and corn are actually not alkaline but it doesn't seem to affect my body like wheat does. I want to improve and venture out with buckwheat, chia, millet, and almond flour but I was too nervous during the weight loss challenge to experiment. I am a believer in good healthy oils. Coconut oil, avocado oil, olive oil, grapeseed oil. I ate hemp seed hearts everyday which is very high calorie and is high in protein. I also got some of my protein from edamame, quinoa and nuts. I ate an avocado everyday, well I would try.
My meals were mostly vegetables in all their variety. 3/4 of my plate was vegetables. I would sauté stuff, have hummus, salsa, organic chips- but I tried to get full off of the good stuff.
My biggest meal or meals of the day were between 11:00 and 3:00. I don't think your biggest meal should be breakfast, it should be lunch. A heavy breakfast is torture to my metabolism and I start dragging the rest of the day. My big carb meals were always before 3 and for the rest of the day it was just salads and light stuff.
I quit eating by 6 at night if I could. I wasn't always perfect but I tried to be done by 6. I feel good in the mornings when I've been fasting for awhile. Fasting is really good for the body and mind. I have a super clear mind when I fast.
I drank a gallon of lemon water and/or green drink every day. Again, not always, but my goal was to drink 32 oz in the morning, 32 oz by lunch, 32 oz when the girls got home from school, and 32 oz before bed. water water water, Hydration. So important. My green drink is green tea free of course. It is just vegetables, grasses, and low sugar fruit in powder form.
Insanity. I bought the Insanity videos because simply they are amazing and I haven't found a harder work-out yet. There are 8 DVD's plus other DVD's that I haven't even done before but the first 4 are about 40 minutes long and those are my favorite. They are interval training videos where your heart peaks and then slows down and then peaks again for the entire work-out. Of what I read, interval cardio is the best fat blasting workout.
My favorite part of Insanity is how I feel the rest of the day- like seriously 15 years old again. Giddy, happy, tons of energy, jumping around and getting tons done. When I do the hour long Insanity work outs with the other 4 DVD's I actually feel wasted all day and don't have that skip to my step. I think I actually burned more calories through out the day by doing the short videos in the morning than I did with the hour long work-outs because I did more during the day and had more energy to accomplish more. I think I will do the short videos in the morning so I have a good day and maybe 3 times a week do the hour long ones at night so I can just go to bed afterwards. Insanity makes you SWEAT like crazy. I drip in sweat the whole time and I believe sweating is so incredibly healthy for the body.
My biggest weakness in the challenge was food journaling. Something I hate because I don't count calories or worry about portions but it was part of the challenge and so I had to do it. I lost probably 20 points over the course of the challenge because I didn't food journal.
So there you have it. It worked amazingly well and I hope to feel this great for...well for the rest of my life would be nice!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
strong 12
Going strong. I feel amazing. My poop is green and I feel alive and strong. The cravings are gone. In fact I love that I actually feel hunger pains from a low blood sugar system I've created. When I was eating heavy carbs and sugar my blood sugar and insulin spiked and crashed quickly and I craved everything- especially sugar. Before I always "felt" like eating something even though I wasn't even hungry- now I actually feel hunger pains which reminds me to eat. Sugar doesn't really seem tempting anymore. My thoughts have changed and I don't seem to focused on my next meal- I feel like I am understanding my body a little bit more. I know I will want to crash one of these days- but that's ok. For right now, I feel great.
I did have some potatoes today. In this competition with my sister-n-laws we get a free day to eat something sweet. So I decided to have a few potatoes pieces in this soup I made for the family. They are so yummy when you don't eat them very often.
ok, time to make dinner for the sister missionaries. Should I serve them chopped kale? Ha! I was a missionary once, I know the value of a good unhealthy fulfilling meal on the mission.
I did have some potatoes today. In this competition with my sister-n-laws we get a free day to eat something sweet. So I decided to have a few potatoes pieces in this soup I made for the family. They are so yummy when you don't eat them very often.
ok, time to make dinner for the sister missionaries. Should I serve them chopped kale? Ha! I was a missionary once, I know the value of a good unhealthy fulfilling meal on the mission.
Monday, January 06, 2014
strong 5,6
5 conquered Sunday- I am already down 6 pounds. Water weight is what I call it- I always lose 6-10 lbs the first week. I feel energetic and content. I still crave the good stuff. Chay made his awesome panko chicken strips and they looked awesome- but I just kept reminding myself that I am seeking health not temporal satisfaction.
6- I made 4 loaves of wheat bread today for the family and I didn't have one slice. I am so incredibly proud of myself. It smelled wonderful but I decided to just appreciate the smell. I will definitely have to have bread baking in the oven when we show our house when we move someday. So inviting...
I don't tell many people what I am doing because they choose not to understand it and the crazy remarks come flying- but our good Brazilian friend came over and I told him I had been Vegan, wheat-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, white-rice-free, potato free, processed food-free for 5 days and he just looked at me and asked what do I even eat? There are so many things to eat!!! You just have to be creative. I told him about my chickpea curry I had the night before, cucumber hummus sandwiches, spaghetti squash drizzled in avocado oil and pepper- food has come alive again for me and it is fun to take all these plant based foods that we usually rarely eat and make it my main dish. I have these Anthropoligie bowls that I love but never use but I told the kids that I am going to use them when I eat magic food. I use them everyday now. Makes me happy.
I feel amazing. I feel energetic and excited. Today I started a health fitness competition with my sister-n-laws and other people. I exercised for the first time in a long time. It felt good. I had so much energy. I was able to take on so much with strength and patience. So this is what normal people feel like? Is this why their house is always clean and they accomplish so much? Because today I said to myself, "If I felt like this everyday I would have a clean house...and I would be an entirely new mom" I like those thoughts.
Ok well off to bed I go-
6- I made 4 loaves of wheat bread today for the family and I didn't have one slice. I am so incredibly proud of myself. It smelled wonderful but I decided to just appreciate the smell. I will definitely have to have bread baking in the oven when we show our house when we move someday. So inviting...
I don't tell many people what I am doing because they choose not to understand it and the crazy remarks come flying- but our good Brazilian friend came over and I told him I had been Vegan, wheat-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, white-rice-free, potato free, processed food-free for 5 days and he just looked at me and asked what do I even eat? There are so many things to eat!!! You just have to be creative. I told him about my chickpea curry I had the night before, cucumber hummus sandwiches, spaghetti squash drizzled in avocado oil and pepper- food has come alive again for me and it is fun to take all these plant based foods that we usually rarely eat and make it my main dish. I have these Anthropoligie bowls that I love but never use but I told the kids that I am going to use them when I eat magic food. I use them everyday now. Makes me happy.
I feel amazing. I feel energetic and excited. Today I started a health fitness competition with my sister-n-laws and other people. I exercised for the first time in a long time. It felt good. I had so much energy. I was able to take on so much with strength and patience. So this is what normal people feel like? Is this why their house is always clean and they accomplish so much? Because today I said to myself, "If I felt like this everyday I would have a clean house...and I would be an entirely new mom" I like those thoughts.
Ok well off to bed I go-
little moments and thoughts
This morning started out sad. I had to take Kenzie back to school. I have loved having the kids home for break. In the van I popped in the CD the primary handed out with all the primary songs for 2014. Oh my gosh!!! All my favorite songs! They are going to learn "I stand all amazed" as well! Beautiful. I felt so much peace. Kenzie was singing along. I started to cry. I told Kenzie I felt the spirit- music does that to me. It was just an awesome moment. So I might just have to trade my favorite radio station for the primary cd- at least when the kids are in the car :) so worth it!! I will have to make sure to thank the Primary presidency for this awesome awesome idea!
I love picking up the kids from school. Julia is always looking anxiously. I love seeing them wave. I wave back with so much excitement. I see them so small waiting by the fence- they just had a big day dealing with friends and learning new things and I know how it feels to see mom's van pulling around the corner in the pick-up line. I asked what their favorite part of going back to school was and Kenzie said, "lunch" and Julia said "when you picked us up" That bad, huh? They don't love love school- I think Kenzie enjoys it, because she is just an enjoyable person- but they rather be at home. I know that will probably change once they start making closer friends outside the family.
The music from Frozen is overtaking our house. The kids have memorized all the songs just by watching clips on youtube. They sang a song tonight for Grandma and Grandpa Ramsey. I will say, it is always always in my head and I can't help to belt out the songs too from time to time.
Tonight from family home evening we shut off every light in the house and lit a candle that Kenzie made for me at school for Christmas. We asked the kids to come out of their room- oh they thought it was so cool. We put the candle on the kitchen table and we sang "Teach me to Walk". We talked about light, Christ, the Holy Ghost all under candle light. Usually Family nights are chaotic but this one seemed to not be as boring or something because they participated a lot and stayed focused. Even Xander- Chay taught about the Holy Ghost and Kenzie receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost when she is baptized. Xander thought we were talking about a real ghost and he started to get scared- well the lights were all off and we kept saying the word, "Ghost" it makes sense.
Today Xander finally went back to taking a mid-day nap. He hasn't napped for 2 weeks during the break. We read some Look and Find book together and we both fell asleep. I woke up an hour later. Oh, yes, I remember one of the few things I like about kids being in school, Mom can take a nap while the little ones nap. I am so so excited about having Xander all day next year. He needs more one on one with me. He is such a funny kid. Can't understand half of what he says- but he sure tries.
Today is my brother Bryon's birthday. I love my brother so much. I don't even know where he lives or where he is. I know he's probably making poor choices or whatever- but I don't care. My love for him is the same. I love him so much. I knew I would cry if I started typing about him. Bryon has a good heart. I cherish our sweet memories together.
ok, well I am trying really hard to write more in my blog. I want to capture little moments and thoughts I don't want to forget. I think I will now go to bed and get warm.
I love picking up the kids from school. Julia is always looking anxiously. I love seeing them wave. I wave back with so much excitement. I see them so small waiting by the fence- they just had a big day dealing with friends and learning new things and I know how it feels to see mom's van pulling around the corner in the pick-up line. I asked what their favorite part of going back to school was and Kenzie said, "lunch" and Julia said "when you picked us up" That bad, huh? They don't love love school- I think Kenzie enjoys it, because she is just an enjoyable person- but they rather be at home. I know that will probably change once they start making closer friends outside the family.
The music from Frozen is overtaking our house. The kids have memorized all the songs just by watching clips on youtube. They sang a song tonight for Grandma and Grandpa Ramsey. I will say, it is always always in my head and I can't help to belt out the songs too from time to time.
Tonight from family home evening we shut off every light in the house and lit a candle that Kenzie made for me at school for Christmas. We asked the kids to come out of their room- oh they thought it was so cool. We put the candle on the kitchen table and we sang "Teach me to Walk". We talked about light, Christ, the Holy Ghost all under candle light. Usually Family nights are chaotic but this one seemed to not be as boring or something because they participated a lot and stayed focused. Even Xander- Chay taught about the Holy Ghost and Kenzie receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost when she is baptized. Xander thought we were talking about a real ghost and he started to get scared- well the lights were all off and we kept saying the word, "Ghost" it makes sense.
Today Xander finally went back to taking a mid-day nap. He hasn't napped for 2 weeks during the break. We read some Look and Find book together and we both fell asleep. I woke up an hour later. Oh, yes, I remember one of the few things I like about kids being in school, Mom can take a nap while the little ones nap. I am so so excited about having Xander all day next year. He needs more one on one with me. He is such a funny kid. Can't understand half of what he says- but he sure tries.
Today is my brother Bryon's birthday. I love my brother so much. I don't even know where he lives or where he is. I know he's probably making poor choices or whatever- but I don't care. My love for him is the same. I love him so much. I knew I would cry if I started typing about him. Bryon has a good heart. I cherish our sweet memories together.
ok, well I am trying really hard to write more in my blog. I want to capture little moments and thoughts I don't want to forget. I think I will now go to bed and get warm.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
Christmas break 2
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5 bottles of antibiotics, a nebulizer, and a suction machine. Bronchitis, pink eye, hand foot mouth disease, ear infections, sinus infections, stomach flu (Xander and Mommy). Aaaand that is why none of you got treats from the Clarks, or any presents in the mail. It was more than I could handle. It all was manifesting itself before Christmas and it is finally going away. AHHHH So much coughing!! We met our deductible and our maximum on our health insurance so we made a huge trip to the Doctor. All 4 were seen and treated.
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So no, we're not inactive from church and we really do like our friends and family, but we just needed to stay away from everyone because we're highly contagious.
*Scripture study last night went really well mainly because Mckenzie asked if she could braid my hair. Um, Yes! I read while she braided away. Normally I expect the kids to either sit still or draw what we're talking about- but all rules are out the door if you want to play with Mommy's hair.
We are finishing up the Book of Mormon- trying so hard to get it done before her baptism on February 1st. She stayed up way late the other night and read several chapters by flashlight. I wasn't sure how the comprehension was going but the next day she went off about stories she read. well, alright.
*The Pom Pom store. So each child has a jar. The girls have bigger ones. When they do their morning chores, help around the house, play the piano, or I catch them being good I give them a pom pom. It's those fuzzy little colorful balls from the dollar store. Each Pom Pom is worth a nickle. I have a Pom Pom store with little prizes that have pom pom price tags on each item. At the end of the week at Family Council we count poms poms. We put a money value on them just so they can pay tithing and put some in savings but the rest they can buy something out of the store or trade all the remaining pom poms in for money and save up for something big- a trip with mom or dad to the real store and get whatever they saved for. The pom pom store works awesome for Xander and is half in half with Julia. Kenzie already has saved enough the past month and half to buy a rainbow loom.
I have a clipboard for each child with several clothespins clipped on one side. Written on the clothespins are the things I expect for them to do that day. When the chore is finished, they move the clothespins to the other side of clipboard- on the other side of the clothespin it's the chore/verb in the past tense. Practiced, made bed, and so forth.
Sounds pretty awesome and it is- but it's rocky. It was really bumpy at first as we tried to work out the kinks and I almost lost the children's excitement because it wasn't organized. Plus I'm a scatter brain from time to time so I forget to reinforce and sometimes it is late going to bed at night so I forget to hand out pom poms. Other times I frankly don't have it in me to care about the pom poms and so it will die off for a couple days. Other times I lose it and go crazy mom on them and threatened to take out 20 pom poms for fighting, it usually works but I really didn't want this to be a negative thing. Sitting outside or sitting in the corner should be their punishments. I don't want those fuzzy cute happy balls to be associated with anything too sad...but oh its tempting. Once I was being a bad mom (just once) and I said to Julia that I was going to take out some pom poms if she didn't stop what she was doing. Well, obviously that was the wrong thing to say to Julia because she just took out the balls and started throwing them all over the room "FINE! Take the stupid balls!!" Oh precious child of mine. She will be the type that will have the most delicious bowl of ice cream in front of her and she won't eat it out of pride. May this all turn to strengths someday.
Julia spelled her name wrong in this notebook she earned from the pom pom store. It was the end of the world in the Clark home for about 2 hours. I did all I could as her mother. Nothing worked. She had to sit on her top bunk and just figure out everything on her own. She finally got over it and she was back to being Julia- fun and creative. But oh boy. How I love that huge spirit. How could I be so lucky to know and raise someone that is so unique and beautiful.
Julia loves Legos. She got some for Christmas. It's a Daddy Julia thing. It has been great for those two. Chay loves to build Legos and Trios with the kids. He will sit and watch cartoons with them and I can hear him giggling right along with the kids. That's my man.
On New Year's Eve we were pretty lame. Kenzie might be 8 but she still doesn't understand the excitement of the year rolling over to the next at midnight. So asleep they were at midnight and asleep they'll always be until they actually want to stay up. That night we had a family night and we did our annual gift to the Savior. It was a tradition my Mom started when I was a teenager. We opened up the gift that stays wrapped all year and placed on my bookshelf in the piano room. Inside the box were our written gifts to the Savior from the year before and the old ones from previous years. It was fun to see how handwriting has improved. Fun to see how we try to improve on the same things every year- visiting teaching, home teaching, temple attendance, scripture reading, health- our hearts are good, right?
My favorite part of the night was when we went around and bore our testimonies. Some shared stories of how they helped others and some were real testimonies. It was neat and it was good practice.
Last night there was a snow storm and so the air is cleaner. What is up with this place? I read on the news that we should consider wearing masks when we walk outside???? I'M NOT A FAN!!! Drives me crazy. I feel like we're living in the middle of a mini natural disaster, or downtown Hong Kong.
Chay took the kids on a 4 wheeling ride and to play on the hill by our house. It took us 20 minutes to get 3 kids ready in their snow gear. Hard work. I told them that I am locking the door and they can't come in for at least an hour to make it worth putting all those layers of snow clothes on.
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Do you think there's room for Sam?
Saturday, January 04, 2014
strong 2,3,4
Day 2 I was tired again but it wasn't a yucky bloated tired- just a "change" tired. I had a hard time moving around. Tired to the bones tired. My headache was really bad the first day and all through the night but today it is gone. 2nd day at night while working at the health club I started sweating everywhere. Detox? It felt good. I know sweating is so good for me.
Day 3 My back pain went away and I was in a good mood. I was craving everything under the sun. Chay told me that everyday I stick to eating alkaline he will give me a back rub. I am running into troubles with being creative on what to eat. I am not as prepared as I would like to be. I still have to make family dinner because I am the mom, but I don't eat what I make and it's hard. I have to remember that I am stronger than my weaknesses.
I don't like the word "self-control" all that much because I see so many people trying to accomplish hard things without God and many times fail because they forget who really is in control- but I know if I change my thought processes around and I look at things differently, I know that the "things" we give up to accomplish a goal aren't really as important as the natural man says they are. It's all in our mind. When I say "things", I don't mean jeopardizing relationships, I mean silly things that seem to have so much significance in our lives- like chocolate and bacon in my case. It can actually be harder to be nice sometimes than to refuse bacon anyway.
I like the word "surrender" better than self-control. Handing it over to God and let Him help with the battle. Plus when we succeed along the way we tend to be more humble. "Look what I did all on my own, look what huge thing I did. I am so amazing." verses "Thank you for all the help Lord and for giving me the strength I needed to get through this. I couldn't have done it with out you."
My health is in the Lord's hands. I know it must be done with God's help to fulfill all that I need to do in this life. And if I die in a car accident at 38 then at least I was obedient to promptings and that's all that is expected of me.
Day 4 I woke up at 6:30 wanting to wake up even though I went to bed past midnight. I never want to wake up. I feel energetic and silly. I have been dancing and singing around the kitchen all morning making the kids laugh. I wasn't sluggish like I usually am. I have a huge zit on my face. Hello, wrinkles and zits don't go together! I am thinking it's the slow detoxing.
The night before I started this whole experiment, I bought a gallon of Tillamook's Huckleberry Mountain Ice cream. Why or why??? It now stares at me every time I open the freezer....CONQUER!!!
Christmas traditions and a tired mommy
Christmas Break.
I love any kind of break.
Okay, so the kids have been home for almost 2 weeks and it is going by way too fast. I love having them home and I love the not having to rush them. No early mornings or rigid schedules. I swear elementary school should start at 9:30 and be done by 2.
We have done a lot of crafts and hanging out.
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I have been cleaning like crazy. We did a bunch of Christmasy things the first part of the break. Church party- I was in charge of the ward Primary Nativity (part of the ward Christmas party)- Chay, bless his heart had to go find a broken down stable and fix it in the freezing temperatures.
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He had to haul it to the church and set it up on the stage. Here is a picture of the stable the night before when we were starting to decorate. Huge and really heavy. We got rid of it after the party. No thank you. Next year we will find something more simple. We gathered costumes and had a nativity rehearsal the night before the party. We were in dire need of a manger so I pulled up my sleeves and decided to make one myself out of the pile of wood stacked outside on our porch. This is not my thing to work with tools and to build something out of wood, but I have always wanted to learn. Well it took a lot of brain power to figure out angles. My neighbor Bill came over when he saw me pulling out the miter saw. He was concerned :) but he helped me figure it all out. Turned out great. Chay was so impressed.
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Kenzie was Mary for the Nativity. The kids were all strung out on sugar and it was a little crazy. They all sang "The Nativity Song" in the primary song book. I played the piano for the primary rehearsal and I was quite happy with myself for being able to play the piano without sabotaging the song. The skit ended up adorable. I am trying really hard to set traditions in the ward- one being a yearly Nativity. We can forget Santa for just a little while and focus more on things that have more substance- and I think there will be more vivid memories when the kids grow up of them being on stage in costume acting out the Nativity in front of many people instead of sitting on Santa's lap. I like Santa and all and he was at the party but we didn't want him to be the focus.
As a family we went to a city parade (those types of things always stresses me out- big crowds bleh) and we went to this place that displayed hundreds of Nativities from all over the world. It was so awesome. The girls and I were in love. I found Xander laying down on the floor right in the middle of all the tables just looking up at the lights on the ceiling. I guess he wasn't as interested. At the end of the Nativity tour, there was a dress-up Nativity for kids. My three were the angels. We should have stuck Samson in the manger. We were tired.
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Kenzie finally sat on Santa's lap. It was time to face her 8 years of Santa fears. I am serious, 8 years. I have a picture when she is barely a one year old and she is screaming her head off. She has always hid and cried when it was her turn to sit on his lap. I figured she better at least sit on his lap once while she still believes in him, right? Good Job Mckenzie!!!
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Right when Christmas break started Chay was at the tail-end of interviewing for a job. It was the perfect job and a great career move. We prayed so hard. They loved Chay and we were almost 100% certain he would get the job. They kept calling him back for more and more interviews and they even gave him a tour of the place. But they decided to go with the other candidate at the end. When Chay told me I thought he was joking. He wasn't. I started to dry heave I was so sick about it. I cried really hard for 2 hours straight. I was so mad and confused. I felt so sad for Chay.
Lesson learned: Just because you are doing everything right, does not mean things will always go right. I also don't think God cares as much as we think He does about jobs and careers. He just wants us to be faithful I guess. Although I would love to serve more and go on missions someday and get 4 kids out on missions- and pay off my silly student loan for crying out loud- so divine help in the money department would be nice. I know Chay has done so much to further his career. He works for a great company already. I know we will be blessed. I guess we will just have to keep working hard and waiting for that next big job.
So during the long 2 weeks of interviews and the anxiety of it all, I decided to focus on Christmas more to keep my mind off of things. I wanted to do a 12 days of Christmas for a family. I know a special family I met through Kenzie's school and from a city soccer league. The mom and I became friends quickly and I found out she lives close to us. I knew I wanted to do the 12 days of Christmas for her and her family.
I loved the idea of giving a Nativity away and each night give a piece of the manger scene. I found a cute poem that goes with each piece of the nativity on Pinterest. Of Course. (You know, my mom would have written the poem herself if she was me because Pinterest didn't exist. I thought long and hard about how some parts of the tech world are sucking out the creativity in me, and so next year I am determined to write the nativity poem myself.) Well anyway, I searched long and hard for a nativity set that was in my $12-15 price range that had all the characters- shepherds, angels, animals, mary, baby Jesus, Joseph, wise men. It is so hard to find one with everyone! Nowhere to be found. I couldn't even find a nativity in most places. I was hauling Xander and Sam around with me to every store in town. We kept saying to each other as we pushed the shopping cart through the aisles of Christmas decorations, "Where is baby Jesus? This is His birthday and we can't even find Him. With all these Christmas decorations and no baby Jesus." Xander jumped on board so fast, he wanted to find baby Jesus too. A few places had nativities but not in the price range I wanted or they only had a few of the characters.
The same day we found out Chay didn't get the job, I found a nativity on KSL. With swollen eyes and feeling so forgotten I decided to check a couple more places. I got on KSL and found the perfect Nativity with every character and even a stable. I called the lady knowing my chances of the Nativity not being sold already were pretty slim. She was so nice and she said, "You know what? I thought it would sell in 30 minutes but it never did, it's been online for 10 days!" She was selling it for $10! I reluctantly asked Chay in all his misery if he could possibly swing by Kaysville and pick up this manger scene for me. He did and he was even willing. Heart of Gold that man has. The nativity was HUGE! It made me feel gratitude in my heart despite the major let down earlier that day.
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Delivering each night was kind of a pain. The family's house was in a super inconvenient location and having something to do every night became more like a chore, especially to Chay. The kids loved it but it was harder than we thought it would be. The family doesn't have a doorbell and they have this huge metal cage like screen door in front of their front door. One night I borrowed a friend of a friend of a friend's phone and sent a text to the family that said
It's Christmas time and we love you so
but there's one thing you might not know
we dropped off a surprise at 7 o'clock
but there's no doorbell and you can't hear us knock.
we eventually just dropped off stuff knowing they wouldn't get it until morning...
But it was good- and I think it will get better through the years. It's all about the experience. One night I dropped off the package and I knocked really hard on the window. I booked it so dang fast and ran through another yard- full of snow. Chay came and picked me up and I was just laughing. That was so fun! I need more stuff like this in my life. Reminds me of younger years when my mom would have me always deliver the secret packages.
One tradition that I love doing with the kids is driving around until we find an outdoor manger scene lit up in someone's front yard. We stop and sing Silent Night. It always ends up being a sweet moment no matter what, even if Daddy disagrees :) What would Christmas be like without women and patient men???
I performed 2 times over the Christmas season. Once for the stake and once for the ward. I played and sang a song I wrote about Mary. I had the melody and tune for a couple years but couldn't figure out the right words until I was pregnant with Sam. Then one day it came. I really love the song and I feel so comfortable at the piano singing. Especially when I don't have to read music! It was just something I wanted to do. Now will Faith Hill buy my song for 1 million dollars please!
I sang for the ward- I sang a really pretty version of The First Noel. As I was singing I turned my music to the next page and the music wasn't there. I freaked out. I kept looking and looking and in the meantime I just started making up my own words. A person can only sing about how nice the shepherds are for so long...I just laughed and turned to Rachel the pianist and told her I had to stop. I told the congregation I lost my music and I need to stop making up words. They all laughed and it quickly put my nerves to ease. I love laughter. So I started again once I organized my music and found all the sheets and it turned out great the second time. My ward knows me so well- I have embarrassed myself enough over the years- what is one more thing, I mean seriously.
Christmas Eve we attempted to do the Christmas Story in Luke 2. Everyone was sick and ornery. We had the kids dress up but it ended up being a fiasco. That night I felt a little discouraged that the night wasn't "neater". Then I noticed Kenzie's letter to Santa. She left him a scripture. I cried. I cried probably because I was tired, emotional, and just wanted to sleep forever- but it was very touching and gave me hope that my kids are catching on to the real meaning of Christmas despite imperfect parents and total chaos.
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When the kids went to sleep the "Elves" painted their fingernails. One of the Elves was naughty and got fingernail polish on Julia's new pajamas. But it's something so sweetChay Santa does every year. Xander even got his nails painted- can't leave him out.
I could tell Christmas morning I was so done. We were all sick. Everyone was coughing and wiping their noses. The kids woke up to their Santa presents. They were all so happy with what they got. The next day or the day after that the tree went outside and I took down all the decorations. I just needed a new start. Farewell Christmas 2013.
I love any kind of break.
Okay, so the kids have been home for almost 2 weeks and it is going by way too fast. I love having them home and I love the not having to rush them. No early mornings or rigid schedules. I swear elementary school should start at 9:30 and be done by 2.
We have done a lot of crafts and hanging out.
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He had to haul it to the church and set it up on the stage. Here is a picture of the stable the night before when we were starting to decorate. Huge and really heavy. We got rid of it after the party. No thank you. Next year we will find something more simple. We gathered costumes and had a nativity rehearsal the night before the party. We were in dire need of a manger so I pulled up my sleeves and decided to make one myself out of the pile of wood stacked outside on our porch. This is not my thing to work with tools and to build something out of wood, but I have always wanted to learn. Well it took a lot of brain power to figure out angles. My neighbor Bill came over when he saw me pulling out the miter saw. He was concerned :) but he helped me figure it all out. Turned out great. Chay was so impressed.
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Kenzie was Mary for the Nativity. The kids were all strung out on sugar and it was a little crazy. They all sang "The Nativity Song" in the primary song book. I played the piano for the primary rehearsal and I was quite happy with myself for being able to play the piano without sabotaging the song. The skit ended up adorable. I am trying really hard to set traditions in the ward- one being a yearly Nativity. We can forget Santa for just a little while and focus more on things that have more substance- and I think there will be more vivid memories when the kids grow up of them being on stage in costume acting out the Nativity in front of many people instead of sitting on Santa's lap. I like Santa and all and he was at the party but we didn't want him to be the focus.
As a family we went to a city parade (those types of things always stresses me out- big crowds bleh) and we went to this place that displayed hundreds of Nativities from all over the world. It was so awesome. The girls and I were in love. I found Xander laying down on the floor right in the middle of all the tables just looking up at the lights on the ceiling. I guess he wasn't as interested. At the end of the Nativity tour, there was a dress-up Nativity for kids. My three were the angels. We should have stuck Samson in the manger. We were tired.
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Kenzie finally sat on Santa's lap. It was time to face her 8 years of Santa fears. I am serious, 8 years. I have a picture when she is barely a one year old and she is screaming her head off. She has always hid and cried when it was her turn to sit on his lap. I figured she better at least sit on his lap once while she still believes in him, right? Good Job Mckenzie!!!
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Right when Christmas break started Chay was at the tail-end of interviewing for a job. It was the perfect job and a great career move. We prayed so hard. They loved Chay and we were almost 100% certain he would get the job. They kept calling him back for more and more interviews and they even gave him a tour of the place. But they decided to go with the other candidate at the end. When Chay told me I thought he was joking. He wasn't. I started to dry heave I was so sick about it. I cried really hard for 2 hours straight. I was so mad and confused. I felt so sad for Chay.
Lesson learned: Just because you are doing everything right, does not mean things will always go right. I also don't think God cares as much as we think He does about jobs and careers. He just wants us to be faithful I guess. Although I would love to serve more and go on missions someday and get 4 kids out on missions- and pay off my silly student loan for crying out loud- so divine help in the money department would be nice. I know Chay has done so much to further his career. He works for a great company already. I know we will be blessed. I guess we will just have to keep working hard and waiting for that next big job.
So during the long 2 weeks of interviews and the anxiety of it all, I decided to focus on Christmas more to keep my mind off of things. I wanted to do a 12 days of Christmas for a family. I know a special family I met through Kenzie's school and from a city soccer league. The mom and I became friends quickly and I found out she lives close to us. I knew I wanted to do the 12 days of Christmas for her and her family.
I loved the idea of giving a Nativity away and each night give a piece of the manger scene. I found a cute poem that goes with each piece of the nativity on Pinterest. Of Course. (You know, my mom would have written the poem herself if she was me because Pinterest didn't exist. I thought long and hard about how some parts of the tech world are sucking out the creativity in me, and so next year I am determined to write the nativity poem myself.) Well anyway, I searched long and hard for a nativity set that was in my $12-15 price range that had all the characters- shepherds, angels, animals, mary, baby Jesus, Joseph, wise men. It is so hard to find one with everyone! Nowhere to be found. I couldn't even find a nativity in most places. I was hauling Xander and Sam around with me to every store in town. We kept saying to each other as we pushed the shopping cart through the aisles of Christmas decorations, "Where is baby Jesus? This is His birthday and we can't even find Him. With all these Christmas decorations and no baby Jesus." Xander jumped on board so fast, he wanted to find baby Jesus too. A few places had nativities but not in the price range I wanted or they only had a few of the characters.
The same day we found out Chay didn't get the job, I found a nativity on KSL. With swollen eyes and feeling so forgotten I decided to check a couple more places. I got on KSL and found the perfect Nativity with every character and even a stable. I called the lady knowing my chances of the Nativity not being sold already were pretty slim. She was so nice and she said, "You know what? I thought it would sell in 30 minutes but it never did, it's been online for 10 days!" She was selling it for $10! I reluctantly asked Chay in all his misery if he could possibly swing by Kaysville and pick up this manger scene for me. He did and he was even willing. Heart of Gold that man has. The nativity was HUGE! It made me feel gratitude in my heart despite the major let down earlier that day.
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Delivering each night was kind of a pain. The family's house was in a super inconvenient location and having something to do every night became more like a chore, especially to Chay. The kids loved it but it was harder than we thought it would be. The family doesn't have a doorbell and they have this huge metal cage like screen door in front of their front door. One night I borrowed a friend of a friend of a friend's phone and sent a text to the family that said
It's Christmas time and we love you so
but there's one thing you might not know
we dropped off a surprise at 7 o'clock
but there's no doorbell and you can't hear us knock.
we eventually just dropped off stuff knowing they wouldn't get it until morning...
But it was good- and I think it will get better through the years. It's all about the experience. One night I dropped off the package and I knocked really hard on the window. I booked it so dang fast and ran through another yard- full of snow. Chay came and picked me up and I was just laughing. That was so fun! I need more stuff like this in my life. Reminds me of younger years when my mom would have me always deliver the secret packages.
One tradition that I love doing with the kids is driving around until we find an outdoor manger scene lit up in someone's front yard. We stop and sing Silent Night. It always ends up being a sweet moment no matter what, even if Daddy disagrees :) What would Christmas be like without women and patient men???
I performed 2 times over the Christmas season. Once for the stake and once for the ward. I played and sang a song I wrote about Mary. I had the melody and tune for a couple years but couldn't figure out the right words until I was pregnant with Sam. Then one day it came. I really love the song and I feel so comfortable at the piano singing. Especially when I don't have to read music! It was just something I wanted to do. Now will Faith Hill buy my song for 1 million dollars please!
I sang for the ward- I sang a really pretty version of The First Noel. As I was singing I turned my music to the next page and the music wasn't there. I freaked out. I kept looking and looking and in the meantime I just started making up my own words. A person can only sing about how nice the shepherds are for so long...I just laughed and turned to Rachel the pianist and told her I had to stop. I told the congregation I lost my music and I need to stop making up words. They all laughed and it quickly put my nerves to ease. I love laughter. So I started again once I organized my music and found all the sheets and it turned out great the second time. My ward knows me so well- I have embarrassed myself enough over the years- what is one more thing, I mean seriously.
Christmas Eve we attempted to do the Christmas Story in Luke 2. Everyone was sick and ornery. We had the kids dress up but it ended up being a fiasco. That night I felt a little discouraged that the night wasn't "neater". Then I noticed Kenzie's letter to Santa. She left him a scripture. I cried. I cried probably because I was tired, emotional, and just wanted to sleep forever- but it was very touching and gave me hope that my kids are catching on to the real meaning of Christmas despite imperfect parents and total chaos.
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When the kids went to sleep the "Elves" painted their fingernails. One of the Elves was naughty and got fingernail polish on Julia's new pajamas. But it's something so sweet
I could tell Christmas morning I was so done. We were all sick. Everyone was coughing and wiping their noses. The kids woke up to their Santa presents. They were all so happy with what they got. The next day or the day after that the tree went outside and I took down all the decorations. I just needed a new start. Farewell Christmas 2013.
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
strong 1
I made it through the day. My head is pounding and I feel very tired and slightly sick to my stomach.
I knew this would be coming so I was sort of prepared.
Off to bed I go.
I knew this would be coming so I was sort of prepared.
Off to bed I go.
right in the thick of it
The goofyness was out of control on Sunday and everyone was just giggly. I don't know if it's because we feel sort of trapped inside because it's winter and we really have no place to go or what- but the house was full of laughter and sillyness and I loved it. I can't believe how lucky I am to be surrounded by all these certain people- especially children. It is a great time of my life.
I panic sometimes when I think of life passing too quickly, especially my kids- but I know I won't have any major regrets, I know I am spending time with them, I know I have treasured many many moments- I am living right in the thick of it and loving most of it.
I really do hate however how these sweet sincere older ladies will come up to me at the store and say things like, "They grow up so fast" or "I would do anything to have them little again" or "I don't know where life has gone" or "just wait until they're teenagers and you'll miss them being little".
First of all it gives me a little bit of anxiety when older people say stuff like this because all of the sudden I feel my kids will be 20 years old when I wake up the next day and I will somehow wonder where the last 15 years went. Second of all, those kind of remarks put this artificial doubt in my mind that I am somehow not loving being a mother to these adorable kids. I then realize it must be the older mothers who have some sort of regret who always say those kind of things to young moms. I feel like their words are their own sorrowful thoughts of their past or something. It's like they feel this need to warn young moms that their future happiness is in danger. (I'm laughing while I write this because I know this isn't always the case and that I'm being dramatic, but I like to play it out in my mind for moment that it is the case, so I'll go with it)
The other day this sweet bent old lady with good intentions noticed me at the store with my kids. She came up to me with certainty she was going to say something so prophetic and wise. I am now prepared for these encounters but on this particular day I wasn't in the mood. "Try to enjoy it my dear." She said, "They're only small once. You will miss it one day and would do anything to have them small again." Ahhh okay, never heard that before! I just smiled and said out of frustration, "I do enjoy it. I enjoy every single moment of it (white lie) and I will never have any regrets (white lie again). Each age of my children's life will be exciting to me and I don't worry about if I am spending enough time with them or not, because I am." She kind of didn't know what to say or she thought I was weird because she just slightly smiled and said, "ok, dear". I started to laugh at how I acted and I couldn't wait to go home and tell Chay. Life.
The other day I got my guitar off the wall. Lately it has become nothing more than just decoration in our front room. The kids quickly flocked around Mom and all wanted to play it and Xander kept strumming the strings while I played and it was getting a little annoying. So we decided to play a game where I play a tune and make up the words of a song and then I stop singing and the next person has to make up lyrics. Oh my gosh it was funny. We laughed to hard. Kenzie was impressive and she could hear her own melody with the chords I was playing. Her words consisted of rainbows and unicorns and how much she loves her siblings. Xander sang about chopping off heads and poop, Julia started to sing with her sweet voice but something sucked the confidence out of her and she started to whine about how she hates singing in front of people. (I have heard Julia sing in her own time and place- usually when she thinks no one is listening and she has a beautiful voice for a 6 year old). Daddy was on his phone in the corner chair just laughing at the situation.
Maybe this is why I was supposed to love music and learn to play piano and guitar- maybe it was for my family and that's it. The memories and love I share through music for my family are not performing for audiences obviously but more for bedtime, singing babies to sleep, playing songs on the guitar about chopping off heads and poop, singing around a fire, playing Christmas music on the piano, helping Kenzie figure out a hard song at the piano, trying to teach Kenzie and Julia how to harmonize the song Kumbaya while I curl their hair in the morning, singing "I love to see the Temple" a million times at Xander's request before he falls asleep. I'm pretty sure all these memories will put a greater worth on my love for music more than anything when I look back on life. Music brings people together!...even if the quality of it is questionable. :)
Dates with my kids. Yesterday just Xander and I went to the ENT to get his wedged-in-with-wax tubes removed from his ears. It was just the two of us. We had fun until he screamed bloody murder when they poked his ear drum. And the fun is officially over- I wished I understood him more. I know it is building a wall that I so desperately want to take down. He gets so so so frustrated with his speech. He is learning more and more every day- but I only get about 60% of what he says but I find him alientating himself and doing his own thing. He will try to explain something to us but after the second try he does this anger groan and walks off. Oh my heart. It will come, it will come. When we do understand what he says, he gets the most adorable grin across his face and we finally both connect with each other- it's the best feeling!
Samson. I can't get over how fun this baby is! He loves touch. I pick him up and he immediately swings his arms around my neck and holds on tight. He holds on so passionately. He grabs my face and pulls his face towards mine and nuzzles. He loves to hold on to hair when someone holds him. He will softly touch my mouth, cheeks and nose. He weighed the most out of all my babies when he was born but he is the smallest baby growth wise. He will be a year next month and it feels like I still have a 6 month old. He is only 18 pounds. Kenzie and Julia weighed that at 3 months. He doesn't want to crawl. He just sits there and plays with toys. THANK YOU!!!! I am not ready for a mover yet. Sammy we love you. Cute cute baby. Especially at night when all the kids are asleep and Daddy and I get to spend some quality time together with you- Sam comes out of his shell once he realizes that he has no one to compete with for attention and he gets so animated and loud! He giggles and screams- most of our video footage of Sam is late at night when everyone is asleep. It's too adorable. I love babies. I love having babies in the home- their sweet sweet spirit seems to calm down many situations that would normally play out different- when everyone is bickering and raising their voices, there's Sam just smiling sucking on his fist- it kind of puts things at ease real fast.
ok, well I am thankful that I woke up at 6:30 to write this. I have a hard time figuring out a good time to write in a journal or to blog. But I somehow moseyed my way into the room with the computer and just started writing- which is a miracle that I didn't get sucked into Facebook or Pinterest. ok, I hear the kids starting to make noises upstairs. Another day begins.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
strong
Chay and my kids make me smile. I spend a lot of time with them and it really fills any void I think I might be feeling. Nothing makes more sense to me than being a wife and mom. So that is what I do. Those amazing mothers who can pull off anything extra in their lives, I stand in AH! My brain and heart can't seem to find room for anything extra besides mommyhood and serving in the church. Maybe in another season of life...like when I'm 50!
2014!!!!
I like New Year's resolutions. I think people should always set goals- realistic ones, unrealistic- funny ones. Who cares if the majority of us don't keep them. To me they signify hope. So I like them.
Today I have hope.
Today I ache all over. I have been downing Ibuprofen daily for the past month. My head is pounding. My joints ache. I am tired. The stairs seems daunting. I have weight to lose. Crossroads, tipping point- whatever you call it, I might be facing a time in my life that determines how the rest of my life concerning health will play out.
I like to do things for the experience. I will say yes or volunteer to do things just for the experience. Why not?
So tomorrow I start an experience that I trust in. But tonight, I reflect on hope- because I think it's the first vital step to trying something hard with God on your side.
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
I am so so imperfect and I fail at so many things but I know I can love and I can be a mom who is present, around, and who cares. I can do that.
Xander was up all night puking. I so desperately wanted to sleep but the alarm clock went off. Is it really already 6:45. Time to get Kenzie ready for school. She is singing some opera song as she braids her hair. She makes me smile as I dig through the fridge to find something to make her for breakfast and to pack her lunch. She is so independent now and my heart skips a beat when she glances my way. She looks older and older every day. In the back of my mind I think "I should have Kenzie make her own lunch, yes, I should, she is responsible enough." I realize quickly however that she is such a free spirit and gets sidetracked easily so I would have to wake her up even earlier. That's ok. I can make her lunch.
I go into the girl's room and find Julia asleep in Kenzie's bed. I giggle. I am reminded of last night's fight between the two girls. Ugly exchanges were made between the two. Kenzie's feelings were of course hurt and she wanted to snuggle with me to fall asleep. I told her I couldn't because I had to put Xander and Sam to sleep. I then mentioned she could snuggle with her sister. Both their eyes got huge- What? Kenzie said, "She's the reason why I'm crying." I just said, "so what, the perfect time to forgive and love one another is right now." Julia then asked Kenzie if she wanted her to come sleep with her so she could have someone to snuggle with. It was the sweetest thing ever. They fell asleep together. Kenzie told me in her room that morning that it made her feel happy to have Julia sleep with her. She even said she isn't mad at her anymore. I told her to count her blessings because Julia doesn't like to share beds and likes her own space- Julia did that all for you you, Kenzie. Just then Julia is awoken and oh boy. She wakes up screaming and throwing her legs. Mad to be awake. Good Morning Julia!
I take Kenzie to school. She is for some reason having a hard time going poop. Her first day I rescued her from the embarrassment of staying in the bathroom longer than she's supposed to and/or telling her brand new teacher. Kenzie then tells me before I drop her off that she has to go poop but can't. I again take her to the bathroom. She figures things out. I give her big kisses. We always exchange "I love you's". She's my big little girl. I love her so much.
Time to get Julia ready for the day. She has afternoon kindergarten. The first week of school she seemed to love it. I was surprised. I was preparing for a catastrophe. Today however during her homework she had her first meltdown. Her teacher corrected the way she holds a pencil the day before and now she has lost all confidence in writing. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she mentions how she also didn't like the drawing of her self portrait she drew in class. I told her it was beautiful. I have no clue where this self doubt comes from. She then went off about how she hates kindergarten, hates the sand that gets in her shoes at recess, hates how she always has to do what the teacher wants, and hates how the teacher reads books she isn't interested in.
Then she said the heartbreaking words "I want to be with Kenzie, why can't I be with Kenzie at school?"
My heart starts to race because no mother wants their child to be sad and miserable at school. She begged me this morning if she could stay home. My mind was racing all over for the right thing to say. I kept saying all this nice mushy stuff about how wonderful she was and smart and talented and she just kept crying these big sincere alligator tears and pushing me away. She then grabbed her homework and was about to crinkle up her homework before I snatched it away from her and saved it. She was starting to get angry. Finally the mushy comfortable praises from me came to an end. It was entirely ineffective. "Stop it right now Julia!" I raised my voice. "You are choosing to act like this and I won't have it. You will go to the corner if you continue this." I then went on about happiness being a choice and sometimes we won't always like school but too bad, we go anyway and we make a choice to make the best of it, to not get offended, make a choice to like our drawings at school, make a choice to let things go. She started to listen I think and the tears stopped. Xander was trying to get my attention the whole time and he started to cry. I gave him a granola bar and took Julia into her room and rocked her in the big ugly chair that I keep telling myself I need to get rid of. I decided not to say anything more. I was so hoping it was just a moment of kindergarten freak out. We read a couple books together. She finally said, "I will go to school, but I don't like it!" ok then.
For hating so many things about Kindergarten, as her mother I was loving her strong opinions. She was so detailed. She knew exactly what she didn't like about school. It was sort of refreshing to hear. So thank you for at least expressing yourself well Julia. It could be so much harder if you were crying mixed with bad behavior and I didn't have a clue what was bothering you.
Julia is a frequent topic of my prayers.
I realized that I wanted to clean the kitchen before it was time to go to school but I had spent most of the morning talking, holding, hugging and reading to Julia. Her heart was finally calm before we left for school. I gave everyone apple slices and had them sit in the car 15 minutes before we left. I hurried and emptied the dishwasher and loaded it in silence while they were in the hot car. They survived.
How moms get anything done around the house is beyond me. I feel like I am writing this blog out of pure rebellion as I let the children watch TV just so I can sit at the computer and think straight without interruptions.
Last night it was a beautiful summer night and the girls being in school just seems so wrong. School is weird. I know it is necessary and I know they belong to an amazing school but it just kind of brings out these mood swings that just weren't present during summer. I know structure is good- but the sun is still up way past 8 and so I just let them play last night. They wanted to play Pirates in the backyard and Xander was more than excited to be with his sisters. Then we saw neighbors outside and we all talked and laughed until 9:30. The girls still needed showers. Xander likes to get in the showers with the girls and then a simple task turns into a big play session. The kids didn't crash until 10:00 pm. Ha! Kenzie was a zombie for the first 20 minutes of waking up. But she is generally a really happy person most of the time so she doesn't let things bother her like I do. She was up singing and playing with the cat at 6:45 AM. I always have to get on her case about staying focused and getting her morning duties done. She is in another world. After breakfast she got out a piece of paper and started drawing a game for Julia to play while she was at school. Kenzie's hair wasn't done, teeth not brushed, no shoes and we had to leave in 10 minutes. But she was off in her little land of drawing and making something nice for someone else.
On the way to school Julia asked if we could roll down the windows. Our AC in our van broke a month ago and it so happens to be the hottest summer on record or almost. In fact if today is over 95 degrees then we will tie the record in 1965. We roll down the windows and julia sticks her hands out the windows- she begs for me to turn up the radio. She loves music. She loves to be alone and doing her own thing. Kenzie was playing pick-a-boo with Sam and telling Xander a story. I decided to take in the moment and just be grateful for what I was surrounded by.
The air conditioning in the van broke, the AC at home broke, our computer laptop went dead all within a month. It's a joke. Trying to stay positive and look for the good...and this morning being with my kids was good and being with them made me realized I was one of the richest in the world. I am so so lucky.
Found this picture of the girls today and had to laugh. This explains their personalities so well.
This is a random post but I'm journaling- that is all that matters.
Xander was up all night puking. I so desperately wanted to sleep but the alarm clock went off. Is it really already 6:45. Time to get Kenzie ready for school. She is singing some opera song as she braids her hair. She makes me smile as I dig through the fridge to find something to make her for breakfast and to pack her lunch. She is so independent now and my heart skips a beat when she glances my way. She looks older and older every day. In the back of my mind I think "I should have Kenzie make her own lunch, yes, I should, she is responsible enough." I realize quickly however that she is such a free spirit and gets sidetracked easily so I would have to wake her up even earlier. That's ok. I can make her lunch.
I go into the girl's room and find Julia asleep in Kenzie's bed. I giggle. I am reminded of last night's fight between the two girls. Ugly exchanges were made between the two. Kenzie's feelings were of course hurt and she wanted to snuggle with me to fall asleep. I told her I couldn't because I had to put Xander and Sam to sleep. I then mentioned she could snuggle with her sister. Both their eyes got huge- What? Kenzie said, "She's the reason why I'm crying." I just said, "so what, the perfect time to forgive and love one another is right now." Julia then asked Kenzie if she wanted her to come sleep with her so she could have someone to snuggle with. It was the sweetest thing ever. They fell asleep together. Kenzie told me in her room that morning that it made her feel happy to have Julia sleep with her. She even said she isn't mad at her anymore. I told her to count her blessings because Julia doesn't like to share beds and likes her own space- Julia did that all for you you, Kenzie. Just then Julia is awoken and oh boy. She wakes up screaming and throwing her legs. Mad to be awake. Good Morning Julia!
I take Kenzie to school. She is for some reason having a hard time going poop. Her first day I rescued her from the embarrassment of staying in the bathroom longer than she's supposed to and/or telling her brand new teacher. Kenzie then tells me before I drop her off that she has to go poop but can't. I again take her to the bathroom. She figures things out. I give her big kisses. We always exchange "I love you's". She's my big little girl. I love her so much.
Time to get Julia ready for the day. She has afternoon kindergarten. The first week of school she seemed to love it. I was surprised. I was preparing for a catastrophe. Today however during her homework she had her first meltdown. Her teacher corrected the way she holds a pencil the day before and now she has lost all confidence in writing. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she mentions how she also didn't like the drawing of her self portrait she drew in class. I told her it was beautiful. I have no clue where this self doubt comes from. She then went off about how she hates kindergarten, hates the sand that gets in her shoes at recess, hates how she always has to do what the teacher wants, and hates how the teacher reads books she isn't interested in.
Then she said the heartbreaking words "I want to be with Kenzie, why can't I be with Kenzie at school?"
My heart starts to race because no mother wants their child to be sad and miserable at school. She begged me this morning if she could stay home. My mind was racing all over for the right thing to say. I kept saying all this nice mushy stuff about how wonderful she was and smart and talented and she just kept crying these big sincere alligator tears and pushing me away. She then grabbed her homework and was about to crinkle up her homework before I snatched it away from her and saved it. She was starting to get angry. Finally the mushy comfortable praises from me came to an end. It was entirely ineffective. "Stop it right now Julia!" I raised my voice. "You are choosing to act like this and I won't have it. You will go to the corner if you continue this." I then went on about happiness being a choice and sometimes we won't always like school but too bad, we go anyway and we make a choice to make the best of it, to not get offended, make a choice to like our drawings at school, make a choice to let things go. She started to listen I think and the tears stopped. Xander was trying to get my attention the whole time and he started to cry. I gave him a granola bar and took Julia into her room and rocked her in the big ugly chair that I keep telling myself I need to get rid of. I decided not to say anything more. I was so hoping it was just a moment of kindergarten freak out. We read a couple books together. She finally said, "I will go to school, but I don't like it!" ok then.
For hating so many things about Kindergarten, as her mother I was loving her strong opinions. She was so detailed. She knew exactly what she didn't like about school. It was sort of refreshing to hear. So thank you for at least expressing yourself well Julia. It could be so much harder if you were crying mixed with bad behavior and I didn't have a clue what was bothering you.
Julia is a frequent topic of my prayers.
I realized that I wanted to clean the kitchen before it was time to go to school but I had spent most of the morning talking, holding, hugging and reading to Julia. Her heart was finally calm before we left for school. I gave everyone apple slices and had them sit in the car 15 minutes before we left. I hurried and emptied the dishwasher and loaded it in silence while they were in the hot car. They survived.
How moms get anything done around the house is beyond me. I feel like I am writing this blog out of pure rebellion as I let the children watch TV just so I can sit at the computer and think straight without interruptions.
Last night it was a beautiful summer night and the girls being in school just seems so wrong. School is weird. I know it is necessary and I know they belong to an amazing school but it just kind of brings out these mood swings that just weren't present during summer. I know structure is good- but the sun is still up way past 8 and so I just let them play last night. They wanted to play Pirates in the backyard and Xander was more than excited to be with his sisters. Then we saw neighbors outside and we all talked and laughed until 9:30. The girls still needed showers. Xander likes to get in the showers with the girls and then a simple task turns into a big play session. The kids didn't crash until 10:00 pm. Ha! Kenzie was a zombie for the first 20 minutes of waking up. But she is generally a really happy person most of the time so she doesn't let things bother her like I do. She was up singing and playing with the cat at 6:45 AM. I always have to get on her case about staying focused and getting her morning duties done. She is in another world. After breakfast she got out a piece of paper and started drawing a game for Julia to play while she was at school. Kenzie's hair wasn't done, teeth not brushed, no shoes and we had to leave in 10 minutes. But she was off in her little land of drawing and making something nice for someone else.
On the way to school Julia asked if we could roll down the windows. Our AC in our van broke a month ago and it so happens to be the hottest summer on record or almost. In fact if today is over 95 degrees then we will tie the record in 1965. We roll down the windows and julia sticks her hands out the windows- she begs for me to turn up the radio. She loves music. She loves to be alone and doing her own thing. Kenzie was playing pick-a-boo with Sam and telling Xander a story. I decided to take in the moment and just be grateful for what I was surrounded by.
The air conditioning in the van broke, the AC at home broke, our computer laptop went dead all within a month. It's a joke. Trying to stay positive and look for the good...and this morning being with my kids was good and being with them made me realized I was one of the richest in the world. I am so so lucky.
Found this picture of the girls today and had to laugh. This explains their personalities so well.
This is a random post but I'm journaling- that is all that matters.
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