First of all I am aware by some due to my last blog entry that my honesty can be alarming- somewhat worrisome. I call it my gift of self discovery.
Since we were two we have been told to never lie to our parents, teachers, friends- but somehow the permission to lie to ourselves was granted under hidden or sometimes obvious expectations, guilt, intimidation, pleasing, praise seeking- We then become strangers in our own life not knowing who we really are, not sure what drives us to true inner happiness because we have been living for so long trying to fit accordingly into another world. When we hear the statement, "Living in the world but not of it" or "attempt to stay away from worldly things" I take those statements a step inside and believe it is God's invitation to explore the inner me.
Honesty with myself has lead my heart to open. It has allowed great sadness and pain to enter which is never fun, but needed, so a healing can begin. I start by contemplating my motivations. Why do I do the things I do? What is the true leading source behind my actions? I notice I live in fear and guilt without even knowing it. I realize that sometimes I don't feel of total worth unless I receive some sort of praise or acknowledgement. For many years I was convinced Heavenly Father was only happy with me when I kept the commandments. I had a misconstrued idea of God's love. I concentrated so heavily on his justice I felt there was no room for mercy. Trust me- this took a long time to figure out I even thought this way. I was wrapped up in being an active member, doing what was right, doing all I could to prove to God I was worthy. Yet I felt something was missing. I now know God only wanted me- not the person I was pretending to be. Stripped and empty are invitations to allow Christ work in your life.
My last blog entry was how I felt inside. I knew something didn't feel right. So I decided to just get out what I was feeling. It is healthy- and I am still normal. Now the feelings are out in front of me, I can start to heal, explore, pray, search-Of course it's a journey and a life long eternal process- So many of us are still stuck in not willing to explore who we are and how we have lost little bits of ourselves along the way due to life's experiences. We don't want to figure out why we numb ourselves to too much TV, too much computer, over working, under working, obsessiveness with housework, food, rigid attitudes, blaming others, manipulating, persuading with guilt, getting angry over silly things, feeling depressed, not forgiving,- it is too easy not to change. Who likes to change the only thing that protects us from feeling hurt? The most difficult- the most challenging step is the first and that is to realize why and what it is that is preventing us as individuals from growth. The minute you let down those walls- you will start to feel insecure but if you allow Christ to enter/take over, the much needed pain will turn into peace. Peace... we all search for peace. Not just a peaceful day or moment- but peace in our souls continually.
I have so far to go. I am so thankful. I don't want to ever stop needing Christ. We think peace is the ending reward- nothing in God's plan ends. Needing the atonement is peace. Christ doesn't want us to be miserable, therefore He invites us to struggle, hurt, and ache so we can turn to Him.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."
Since we were two we have been told to never lie to our parents, teachers, friends- but somehow the permission to lie to ourselves was granted under hidden or sometimes obvious expectations, guilt, intimidation, pleasing, praise seeking- We then become strangers in our own life not knowing who we really are, not sure what drives us to true inner happiness because we have been living for so long trying to fit accordingly into another world. When we hear the statement, "Living in the world but not of it" or "attempt to stay away from worldly things" I take those statements a step inside and believe it is God's invitation to explore the inner me.
Honesty with myself has lead my heart to open. It has allowed great sadness and pain to enter which is never fun, but needed, so a healing can begin. I start by contemplating my motivations. Why do I do the things I do? What is the true leading source behind my actions? I notice I live in fear and guilt without even knowing it. I realize that sometimes I don't feel of total worth unless I receive some sort of praise or acknowledgement. For many years I was convinced Heavenly Father was only happy with me when I kept the commandments. I had a misconstrued idea of God's love. I concentrated so heavily on his justice I felt there was no room for mercy. Trust me- this took a long time to figure out I even thought this way. I was wrapped up in being an active member, doing what was right, doing all I could to prove to God I was worthy. Yet I felt something was missing. I now know God only wanted me- not the person I was pretending to be. Stripped and empty are invitations to allow Christ work in your life.
My last blog entry was how I felt inside. I knew something didn't feel right. So I decided to just get out what I was feeling. It is healthy- and I am still normal. Now the feelings are out in front of me, I can start to heal, explore, pray, search-Of course it's a journey and a life long eternal process- So many of us are still stuck in not willing to explore who we are and how we have lost little bits of ourselves along the way due to life's experiences. We don't want to figure out why we numb ourselves to too much TV, too much computer, over working, under working, obsessiveness with housework, food, rigid attitudes, blaming others, manipulating, persuading with guilt, getting angry over silly things, feeling depressed, not forgiving,- it is too easy not to change. Who likes to change the only thing that protects us from feeling hurt? The most difficult- the most challenging step is the first and that is to realize why and what it is that is preventing us as individuals from growth. The minute you let down those walls- you will start to feel insecure but if you allow Christ to enter/take over, the much needed pain will turn into peace. Peace... we all search for peace. Not just a peaceful day or moment- but peace in our souls continually.
I have so far to go. I am so thankful. I don't want to ever stop needing Christ. We think peace is the ending reward- nothing in God's plan ends. Needing the atonement is peace. Christ doesn't want us to be miserable, therefore He invites us to struggle, hurt, and ache so we can turn to Him.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."
1 comment:
April - I want to thank you for your courage and your willingness to show us who you are and to give of your special spirit. You are a gift to treasure and I thank you for your words that so help me to see things in the right perspective. You are loved.
Post a Comment