april's affirmations

some days are long-

This whole blog thing is great- but it takes time away from journal writing- and in a sense I really don't want the whole world to read about my sob stories and the irrational thinking I get every now and then-

Sometimes when I read through my blog entries I pretend I am someone who just came across my blog for the first time and has no clue who I am- and the impression I get is "fairytale life" which isn't always the case- not at all- but it isn't like I want people to know I had a melt down one day and was ready to drive away and never come back home- see? That is irrational thinking and it goes away in 10 minutes or so- so yeah- something I would write in a journal to release some energy- not something to post online for in-laws to read- they think I am pretty normal I think. If I threw a cup at the window today because I was so mad and wrote about it on my blog, Chay's family would be lovingly concerned and probably stunned and probably never forget it. Every time they'd see me they would picture a cup flying through the air- My family on the other hand would just say, "one of those days hunh" So did I really throw a cup at the window or am I just speaking hypothetically to prove a point???? hmmmmmm

Writing has always been therapeutic for me- it is very easy for me to express feelings through writing. Sometimes when I talk to certain people I get nervous, intimidated, afraid I am boring them, and I stumble over my words- I sometimes can't even articulate what I am trying to say- but writing has been my friend. My mom has always been an avid journal writer. I remember every Sunday we would eat homemade donuts or scones and write in our journal around the table. Thanks Mom

There is really no plot or reason for this entry- I am just kind of enjoying the quiet house. I had a rough day today and so I have been doing some major reflecting lately. I was going to write about it but then thought I would probably feel better in the morning and then there would be a whole slew of people who would either disagree with my upsets or feel they need to give me advice- or whatever-

Do you guys ever have bad days? Do you get irritated easily? Do you have a hard time getting things done? Do you play around on the computer or watch TV instead of doing work? Do you put off doing things because getting them started would be a chore with kids around? Do you worry that you are parenting all wrong? Do any of you cringe at hearing your kids cry? From what I hear and read I just don't think you guys deal with the same things I do- ok I am tired- I am rambling and I just need to go to bed- last night Julia got up every 2 hours with poo streaks and gas again...she is so unpredictable. Having Julia cry so much has been one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever dealt with besides my mom being sick- she is a lot better and I can't believe she is almost 4 months- it has been the longest 4 months...she is so hard to figure out. She is a doll- and I am loving her coos and her precious smile- but I feel helpless, out of control, tired, unprepared, fear

If I was rich I would seriously pay someone to come and stay for a couple weeks and help me get everything on track- but then again I would be prideful and fight against a good thing so it probably wouldn't work-

ok good night for reals