sleeping

My eyes froze to the TV when I heard on the news the church was going to have a public viewing for the prophet. My heart started to pound and my eyes filled up with tears. "I'm going". I knew it would be a healing moment for me.

Before today I had never seen a dead person. For some reason I have this fear of death. Not so much dying and going home to Heavenly Father but more of how the spirit leaves the body behind here on earth. So I think my uneasiness about death is the body- I don't like the concept of the body being empty without the spirit, without breath- maybe it's a lonely feeling I feel or maybe the great "unknown" death brings- As much as I was completely fascinated with my Anatomy and Physiology classes in college, I always chickened out at the last minute before we entered the rooms where the cadavers were kept. It is hard for me to look at a body and know at one time someone beautiful, talented, funny, with lots of expression, with trials, hopes and dreams lived inside this body and now- they are gone- everything people loved about them is gone and all you have left is this body that looks just like them- but they are gone. It is kind of scary to me. Am I making sense at all? I can't really explain what I feel-

I knew seeing President Hinckley's body would be an answer to prayer. Heavenly Father wanted me to go. I could feel the adversary working against me yesterday and this morning. I talked to a lady in the stake who told me the lines to get into the conference center would be long and we would spend half the morning in the freezing cold. I started to question going knowing how horrible it would be to stand out in the cold with 2 little kids and have Chay miss a lot of work. I just told myself "I'm going, I don't care, I'm going." Julia was up all night last night with horrible gas. Chay pushed snooze on the alarm clock in his sleep so we woke up an hour later than we were supposed to. I prayed the night before for everything to run smoothly and it seemed to be going only the contrary. This morning I was about to just call it quits when Kenzie woke up in a bad mood and tried to resist putting on a dress and then of course Julia continued to grunt and fuss- but I was adamant on going and the spirit drove me past the discouragement.

Traffic was near perfect and ever flowing so nicely. We arrived at the conference center and found a close parking spot within minutes. Kenzie lifted our spirits even more as she pointed to the temple and said "tomple, tomple" The lines were small. The conference center was breath taking. As we entered the building we could hear a recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and well...that did it for me- tears...and tears... Everyone was so kind and quiet. The line stretched through the building but moved quickly. I was very emotional. The spirit was so incredibly strong. I could feel everyone's love for President Hinckley. Mckenzie was so reverent as she clung on to my hand. It was just a priceless moment. We finally arrived to the room where our past prophet laid so peacefully in his casket. He was surrounded by huge bouquets of roses and other flowers. I walked slowly as I tried to take it all in.

He was gone. Before my eyes was only the body of President Hinckley- He looked peaceful, soft, warm, and lifeless. "He isn't there" I thought to myself. "His hands, his chest, his face- nothing is moving." He had a nice color and he had almost a slight smile it seemed. Seeing him dressed in his temple clothes, hearing the choir in the background, flowers everywhere you looked, Chay teary eyed- it all came together for me and I felt an enormous healing within me. It was beautiful.

I held up Mckenzie so she could see. I told her that man was our dear prophet. She looked a little confused and said, "sleeping... pofet...sleeping"

It was a perfect morning and I thank Heavenly Father for making it so special for my family.

book report

ok so I haven't been the best blogger lately. I have been a little preoccupied.

I've been reading. I just finished the Da Vinci Code. I know I'm like the last person on the planet to read it.

On Sunday our Gospel Doctrine teacher started out the class by asking what we did last week. My mind went blank as peopled rattled off their adventurous week: skiing, Jazz game, traveled...etc. Then I remembered I've been annoyingly immersed in my book all week so I raised my hand and told the teacher I was reading the Da Vinci Code. We then started to talk about how it was interesting but not necessarily true...and can be a little far fetched in some spots- you know- just the normal conversation most would have about the book... then suddenly the second counselor in the stake presidency interrupts and as he holds up a book he says "what you should be reading is this,"Draw Closer to God" by Elder Eyring." I just started to laugh and I said, "well I'm not endorsing the Da Vinci Code or bearing my testimony about it, I was just saying what I did this week" The class was laughing and then it was over...or so I thought. Then I get a letter passed to me 10 minutes later from the 2nd Counselor and he apologized for what he said in front of everyone. I later told him I wasn't even offended and to not worry about it. Well on Monday he calls me! He apologized again but he had a different motive this time. He asked me if I was a return missionary and if I was the wife of the Elder's Quorum president. He knows already the answers to his questions so he continued on to tell me I needed to be careful what I read and what I say in front of others. I couldn't believe it! All I could say to him was "ok" not really knowing yet how to process the phone call and our conversation. Am I past feeling? Do any of you out there find the book offensive? I consider myself to be blessed with open mindedness and to simply enjoy research done on symbolism, cultures, history...even religion. I know things aren't true all the time but it is fun nonetheless to theorize, speculate, imagine...so maybe there is some logic to Christ getting married but honestly I just need to work on being a better visiting teacher...

anyway so I've decided out of much thought that I am not ashamed to have read the book. I disagree with some of it, liked some of it, want to go to Europe because of it... facinating places I tell you- my book was the illustraded edition-

While reading the Da Vinci Code I found it quite interesting how one could get so caught up in something good to where nothing but bad results from it. Bad choices, bad reasoning, bad morals- all for the power of knowing and finding the grail...a sacred righteous symbol of things most holy- a great lesson was taught in this book.

ok well that is it for now- I could obviously talk about the book more but maybe later when we are together sitting on couches and have all the time in the world.

we thank Thee

We thank Thee O God for a prophet.

As I knelt in prayer tonight the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Our prophet is back home with Thee now. How wonderful it must be to have him in Thy presence. We loved him so dearly."

So I'm emotional and so is my mom and so is my sister...we all cried together as we rejoiced over President Hinckley's amazing life. Every time the choir would sing "God be with you till we meet again" at the end of each conference I would just bawl like a baby knowing this might be the last conference with President Hinckley. I know he was a prophet of God.

Mckenzie is only 2. He will only be a picture and a name to her...I will have to tell her how strong and simple he was. How funny he was- how many temples were built because of him, how much he loved his wife Marjorie...He was a man of faith- never doubting. He will be missed greatly.

Oh death...so interesting isn't it? It breaks our hearts in every way, leaves a void in our life-and yet we know somehow that it is wonderful and an essential part of the plan.

goodbye our dear prophet.

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before I was a mom

something like this was forwarded to my mom- then forwarded to me- so I liked the concept and changed it a bunch, added new words- to fit me better...

before I was a mom

I never tripped over toys when I got out of bed.
I didn't worry about the plug-in outlets being covered.
I never thought about immunizations.

I had a nice stomach.
I didn't wear worn out nursing bras.
I got out of the house daily.

I never knew I could handle so much pain in child birth.
I never knew I could be so strong.

before I was a mom

I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Sucked on.
Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I wasn't hazy all day.
I slept all night.
I rarely lost my temper.
I could do whatever I wanted without scheduling it around nap time.
I would sing songs from the radio and not "popcorn popping".

before I was a mom

I never held down a screaming child so doctors could give them shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

before I was a mom

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew how protective I would become.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

before I was a mom -

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know my capacity to love would grow so much.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

before I was a Mom -

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was ok.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a mother.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much-

before I was a mom.

hanger love

oh to explain the constant blowing....ju ju likes it...and it makes her smile...whatever it takes right?

magic carpet

so....here it lies so peacefully on the floor- tucked away in a corner- waiting to be sat on.

It is the time-out rug... or sometimes the naughty rug, just depends whatever comes out of mommy or daddy's mouth first-Well whatever it's called it works wonders with little Mckenzie- she hates the rug, she hates the thought of it, she will do whatever she can to stay far far away from it as possible- she will even obey her parents!

It took only a few trips to the rug for her to know how serious we were and oh boy have we seen a night and day difference in Kenzie.

How long will this last? How long will she fear a simple fabricated object knitted so neatly out of whatever it is it's knitted out of? Who knows- It was a $2.99 Ross purchase. It is brown. It is portable (it can even go to Grandma's house)...and it does magic tricks and flies...ok not really-

quote

We have this quote written on a little piece of paper which is creased in a million places. Chay had it stuck away in his scriptures for some time. Then it went on this corkboard we used to have hanging up in all our apartments...and then maybe to the fridge a couple times- I just found it in a pile of "go throughs" and it made me smile knowing it has done much traveling the last 4 years- and I felt it worthy to post. It is beautifully and powerfully written. Without reading the words the quote reminds me of Chay's humbleness and all the places we have lived since we've been married.- And then of course the quote in itself reminds me our divinity as children of God. I'm sure you've read it once before- it is definitly an all time classic.


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in all of us, in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automaically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson

morning mumblings

I'm so in love with Chay's ways of saying things. His usage of words when he comments or tells a story- just makes him all the more interesting...he is very unpredictable.

So a couple mornings ago Chay wakes up....and the first thing he says as he sits up in bed, "Today is my old girlfriend's birthday...Jenny...we were in 6th grade. We just wrote notes to each other...we hardly talked...but oh how she loved me."

grapes to smash

I seriously can't get over this video. Ok so it is the 13th which means it's Emily and April Appreciation Day. Kind of a long story- our birthdays are both on the 13th-different months but same day- anyway so we decided one day when we were loving the thought of us too much to dedicate one day a month to us- we don't always celebrate and it is sometimes/usually forgotten- but today I remembered so I decided to post this video which always makes me laugh so incredibly hard- it is even funnier when I am watching it with Chay and Emily...this is just so random and funny--so funny....poor news reporter....enjoy. Oh and please watch it at least twice...it gets funnier and funnier-

bath beauties

so I told her to smile, but Kenzie kept being so serious...it was kind of funny...but afterwards I looked at the pictures and thought, "wow what a beauty!"



this one is especially funny- so vogue.

brown

What's Your True Color?

My Result: Brown

You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. You are however very personable and connect with others easily. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

Take this test >

to orlando we come

Mom calls it that last hurrah- one BIG family celebration for our mom.

Dad is taking the entire family to Disney World for 8 days. We leave in a month. We will all be together away from home in one big exciting atmosphere. Can you believe it? This is so dang exciting. This will be so wonderful. This again proves how positive my mom is...her strength is helping us cope, helping us to focus on what's good and happy in her short time left here on earth.

So today I was searching for some good deals on park tickets for mom. I decided to check Orlando's Craig's list to see if someone there was selling them for cheap. I found one guy who had a bunch for sale. I called him and we talked for awhile. It was obvious that I could find a better deal somewhere else than what he had to offer but he was so polite. He started to give me advice about the best places to go and see. I somehow told him my mom was sick and will probably die from cancer. I explained this is her wish- to have us all together on a fantastic vacation for the last time. He then asked me what my mother's name was and how to spell it. I told him with a little hesitation thinking "this is kind of weird" then he said, "I will pray for your mom, Edie Kaye." I was so touched. There are so many good people out there. Here some random guy from Orlando, Florida selling tickets on Craig's list taught me a simple lesson on faith and prayer. I'm so grateful for that phone call.

Well it's the "year of a million dreams" I can't wait!

understatement

The last entry was an understatement. The snow is really deep- I just went outside to move our car into the carport and the snow came up past my calves...there was easily 1 1/2 to 2 feet of snow on our car. our dear neighbor is trying to plow me out with his snowblower so I can pick up Chay in a couple hours...this is crazy!

Is that what our carport is for?

It is a beautiful snowy mess here in Utah...it has been snowing for 3 days now.

foux da fa fa

ok so yes....foux da fa fa. It all started when Joette posted this on her blog. She showed it to her french high school students. Well I really liked it to be honest and I watched it a lot at first to see if I could understand what they were saying...well the mistake in this was now Kenzie is absolutely fascinated with it...and she has to watch it at least 20 times a day...I kid you not. She walks around the house singing "fa fa fa fa fa" French lessons a little too early I'd say- but at least it is tolerable and fun to sing and dance to and not something annoying like Barney...is Barney even around anymore? I don't even know...anyway- enjoy

Here we are dancing to Foux da fa fa- I am trying to stay out of her spotlight...

home2

"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." ~ William Morris

home

So the other day I was talking to Chay and just spilled out on to him how I wish I could be better at homemaking. I think I used to be so bitter about how unfair it was that I was supposed to be the one to do mostly everything when it comes to cooking, raising children, nurturing, money management- that I sort of just became afraid or just didn't really know how to begin- but I feel that I am changing...I really am because through prayer I have seen a huge leap of motivation within to tackle this mommy house thing.

I am very observant. When Chay and I go out to eat we usually will comment on the restaurant and what we would do to make it better...I love doing that type of stuff. We are always thinking of ways to improve businesses- isn't that funny? I guess we think we would be the best managers in the world or something...so the other day Chay said, "This is your house April...treat it like a business, you're the manager" "ok" I thought- that sounds a little more intriguing than "housewife". So here I go...

One of Chay's co-workers reads my blog! I thought only family read it! She noticed my complaints about not being organized in some of my entries and what do you know? Chay comes home and said "Tracie got you a gift" Organizing for Dummies! Thank you Tracie!



So far this book has taught me great things. Remember I'm not a natural at this...first thing that totally helped me from the book was to get a distributor box. When cleaning and organizing a room put everything that doesn't belong in the room in a box- don't go running around the house putting things away- this is what I used to do and it was just a mess- I would start cleaning the living room and find Kenzie's pants so I would go to her room to put them away and then I noticed her bath towel was on the floor so I would pick it up and put it on the hook in the bathroom and then I noticed the counters were cluttered in the bathroom and start to clean the bathroom all forgetting that my original goal was to clean the living room ahhhh

So saturday when I cleaned my room- it worked- I didn't get sidetracked- I had the distributor box, garbage can, and yard sale sack- by the way I have one whole bedroom downstairs filled with yard sale stuff- I am so excited to get rid of things and make a little money. Anyways my bedroom is spotless for the moment and I made the bed when I woke up this morning- I never do that.

my life is a gift

my life is a gift
my life has a plan
my life has a purpose
in heaven it began...



sometimes primary songs is all I need on Sunday to help me remember my divine nature. I am so thankful for my calling- I love being with the children, hearing simple yet saving principles, and being with the presidency- they are all amazing girls. My ward is wonderful- I love all of us first time home buyers...we have so much in common. I feel very grateful today.