road trip anyone?

Who wants to drive to Bryce Canyon with me? I was hoping Emily would meet me there but her work sucks.

They are having the annual rim run again this year and I just want to be somewhere really pretty. We don't have to run the entire 9K. We can do the walk and talk thing...enjoy the scenery...pay a lot for gas...get a cool t-shirt? Anyone?

whatever cancer

Did you know my mom's favorite flower is the syringa?

ok so how do you handle bad news...over and over again? Would you kind of get a little numb to it all? Like a little annoyed maybe?

So my mom's cancer is back...again. She found out this week that she has 30+ cancer lesions in her brain. It is affecting her eyesight and so who knows what's in store for her. The doctor told her...again... that she only has 3 months or so left. Sometimes I just want to tell her doctor to "shove it". If I was ever an oncologist I would never give a number of months left to live- it is just so negative and so specific. There's got to be a better way of telling a patient that time looks short.

Mom's health is really confusing to me. I believe we have witnessed miracles in the past but they all seem so short lived. Praying for her and believing with her through all this has seriously been one long roller coaster of faith...and it's making me nauseous...can I get off this thing please? When is this ride going to end?

I have decided to not process anything at the moment. I don't even want to get sad. I have cried about this so much for the past 4 years that I just don't have it in me right now. I just keep focusing on the positive which is easy to do when I live so far away...but still- I just don't want to dwell on death or the fact that I might not have my mother around someday soon... anybody out there lose a mother before? How did you handle it? I'm just like...whatever.

We have been told now for 2 years that my mom only has 3-6 months to live and then she somehow gets over the hump and things actually look uphill for awhile. It is so exhausting.

Ok so there are several wards and tons of family who will be fasting for my mom this Sunday. So you can mention her in your prayers and fast this Sunday if you'd like. I sometimes feel that my mother's life is so much in the Lord's hands that I don't really fast for a healing necessary although I know a healing can happen...but I now just fast for peace and acceptance to whatever happens to her... a miraculous healing would be nice of course but I don't know how much of it is up to us anymore...

oh and don't call me...I am seriously so sick of talking about this to people.

weekend2

thanks Marne for finding these pictures...didn't Chad take these?

Steadman's Hill- interesting place- this huge water slide in the middle of nowhere...Chay and I both decided the water slide was a lot more fun when we went together- minus biffing it at the end- hence the picture...I had to persuade Chay to go down on the tube with me at first. I told him we can have a little NCMO on the way down if he went with me...

weekend

So this is the only picture I took this weekend at Chay's family reunion. For some reason I just didn't take pictures...and of course I am now regretting it.

Thanks Tisha for the daisy intervention- sticking flowers in Kenzie's hair reminded me of Discovery- a 5 week camp out I did when I was at Ricks college- Emily and I would put wildflowers in our hair for church...anyway

So Julia lodged a broken pencil in her mouth somehow the day before we left for Burley. It was sticking out from below her tongue. I pulled it out and blood gushed. Once we arrived in Burley we decided to take her to the ER despite the hefty co-pay- she was running a fever, swollen, and had the red streaks starting up...so not good. She is an official drug addict for the moment- can't live without pain medication or she is a living hell child- if there is such a one.

So the reunion was great- it was more of a family union since I was meeting a lot of people for the first time. I still giggle about Chay's widowed Aunt picking up square dancing again after all these years and how her partner is gay. I think I know where this family gets their longevity.

The highlight of the weekend for me was the Twin Falls Temple open house and seeing Chase get back from his mission. I love spiritual reminders. I was excited for Kenzie to walk through the temple and to hear her sing "I love to see the temple" on the drive there. The temple tour started out with a video and that about did me over. I needed to watch that video. The tears came of course and all of the sudden so many things were coming into perspective for me and I felt so much peace. I am going to the temple this week. Did you read that Chay?



Chase of course was glowing like most honorable return missionaries do. It was neat to hear his stories and his testimony...it made me reflect my own mission and how I hope to serve another one someday.

oh and one more highlight- a crop duster show- while we were driving towards Twin this little yellow plane would fly right over our car and under telephone wires...it was so cool to see.

Does anybody by chance have any pictures of Chay and I going down steadman's water slide? Marne?

whatcha gonna do with all that junk2

so I like garbage piles and the treasures found in garbage piles...

the other day while delivering papers I noticed this lovely piece of a thing laying in a pile of random junk ready to go to D.I or something. That night I ran up to the house and asked the owners if I could have the guitar. Once I looked inside the case and saw everything was good to go-I walked home with a new guitar. Not exactly the martin D-35 that I so long to have but it is pleasing nonetheless.

...all that junk up in your trunk....

thoughts on a void

So do you ever get in a rut sometimes...where you feel so blah and just so...blah?

I have been going through this void type feeling for awhile now...I think I know why and thank goodness I don't have to go into detail...yes there are things you actually don't have to share with the whole blogging world. But don't worry- I am April and I am still alive and doing good...just a phase I am going through.

So you know- I am so amazed at how much Heavenly Father loves me. I don't know why but it seems to be easy for me to assume how God thinks sometimes. It is like I already know He wants me to be miserable for a few weeks or suffer from consequences in a dragged out long suffering kind of way...or punish me with making me feel a little isolated from Him for awhile...but how grateful I am that His thoughts are not my thoughts...I know He isn't out to get me and He loves me regardless...it took me awhile to straighten out my misconception of how God is God... but every now and then I will mistakenly kind of revert back to my old way of thinking...But I am gently reminded otherwise.

A walk with Chay, a vivid sad dream, and the Joseph Smith story:

*Walking in the humid grossness of last Sunday's afternoon
Chay responds, "it's the stupid seminary answers, April, that make the difference"
April "is it really that simple?"
Chay "yes"

*In my dream (I will do the short version- because it was long, detailed and so strange) I was in a military type jeep and I was with old friends from the past and I was driving down this tunnel and Kenzie was behind us trying to catch up to the jeep on her tricycle. She was pedaling as fast as she could and I kept yelling out "it's ok Kenzie, I will be back soon!" and we both knew it wasn't true. She cried and cried and then I couldn't see her anymore...we were going too fast for her to catch up(this makes me cry just thinking about it)

*A couple years ago at D.I. I bought a Joseph Smith's story children's book put out by the Living Scriptures...and no I'm not endorsing the Living Scriptures- not a fan at all- but the book was $.50 so I figured why not- so besides there being a couple ounces of false doctrine and Lucy Mack Smith looking too much like Barbie, I figured I'd buy it for the storyline if nothing else- so Kenzie could get some exposure to one of the most important events to ever occur in the world- well the other day I found the book shoved way under the bed and so we read it for the first time in months. The book is written very poorly and made me think I should work as an author for The Living Scriptures- but it didn't matter because it was the story, the actual event, the miracle of it all that made my eyes swell up and testify to me again that Joseph Smith really did see Heavenly Father and Jesus and that this plan of our Father's is so perfect- so full of love and hope. It felt so good to feel the spirit especially since I've been feeling so distant lately.

So...these experiences obviously make more sense to me- but they have tied together somehow in the last couple weeks and have been Heavenly Father's way of sofly pushing me to get my act together...

reminder

I love our bedtime conversations. Before bed we usually read a book, sing a couple songs, pray and talk for awhile before she falls asleep. I lay down with Kenzie when she goes night night- she likes to rub my arms...I know- a little strange but endearing at the same time. Well after the lights were out and it was quiet for a couple minutes, Mckenzie softly spoke "guess what mommy?...Jesus loves you" It threw me off a little but oh how I needed to hear those words. "He does love me and He loves you too...thank you for the reminder...good night"

my garden2

there is something really peaceful about gardening...

I think it is because I haven't had to pull one single weed yet-

Thanks Marne for suggesting square foot gardening- oh my gosh- I will never garden another way again. This method of gardening best fits my personality. Structured yet low maintenance, simple yet very rewarding, different yet tasty...lol- this is making me laugh....so what kind of garden method are you?? Maybe I should make up one of those online personality quizzes and call it "The Garden In You" Personality Test.

I think I was paid a quarter for every row I weeded growing up as a kid...but even though I got paid I still didn't have the choice if I wanted to weed or not...oh how I hated to weed as a kid- so thanks Mom for always teaching me those annoying yet essential life principles--

I love my little garden. It is simple and aesthetic. I enjoy my nightly ritual-- watering each plant and seeing how much it has grown...I hear it is good to talk to your plants...I will admit our conversations aren't the best. I did however congratulate the cucumber plant for wrapping himself finally around his cage. Such a good little cucumber you are...

my garden

april & julia

this girl causes for much reflection

She is kind of difficult. She is very strong-willed. She is a fighter and persistent. Isn't this what we all want in our children?

Many might say- "oh she is only 11 months old...give her time- she will change" but you know it is quite evident that this girl isn't going to change much...she came out of the womb fighting for something-

I can already imagine what she will teach me in this life...



I wasn't the most agreeable little girl either and I still don't think I am at times- I still have vivid memories of some of the arguments I would get into with my dad. I just had to prove my strength somehow. Why? What was I holding on to?

My stubbornness has been a gift--only because I have sought to change it and so it has been an invitation to reflect inside and see where it all originates- what fuels it...and maybe it will help me embrace Julia in all her crazy realms and to just breathe deeply through it all. The more we know ourselves the more we will know how to deal with our relationships.

close your eyes

"You can close your eyes" by James Taylor is a favorite of mine...has been for awhile. It is just a classic love song. Don't you agree? Well after turning it up in the car to drown out Julia and Kenzie's crying- Kenzie actually stopped crying and started to listen. She loved it and kept saying "again again" after the song was over. So we listened to it at least 8 times and by the 5th time she was trying all she could to sing with the song...and Ju Ju was humming along too...the car ride was suddenly so very pleasant. Thanks James.

subaru i love you

Subaru is a Japanese word meaning "unite"- it is also the name of a cluster of six stars, which the Greeks called the Pleiades - part of the Taurus constellation.

Did you all know that?




ok so I just got my dream car!!!!! I have always wanted a Subaru Outback...Joette and I both agree we think we love Subarus so much because of Bryon's love for them. He was the first person I called as I was driving the car through Parley's Canyon...nothing like the little sister trying to get her big brother's approval...still to this day.



I belong in a Subaru Outback...I belong in Park City too- (that is where we bought the car- and I didn't want to leave that place)- Chay always worried he was marrying a tree hugger...well not quite but I did bring up the idea the other night that we should just pack up and move to a national park somewhere to work...he didn't like the idea all too well -but anyway...

I just love my new car. But it is the first automatic I have driven for a long time so I keep trying to push the clutch in...the guy we bought it from was a typical subaru lover himself. His name was Wayne. He made mention that he already owns 4 subarus and the only reason he was selling the Outback was so he could go buy a brand new one. It is a 1997 and he was the first owner. Perfect! After signing the papers, Chay gave Wayne a ride home. He noticed Chay's mountain bike in the back of the truck and said, "I have a Pro Flex bike in our basement...we haven't used it for 2 years- do you want it?" What?



He gave us a really nice dual suspension mountain bike! He kept the seat but still....um- it has been nice doing business with you too Wayne- He was such a unique kind of person. He absolutely loved Julia- so I need to write him a thank you note for the bike and mail back the really cool CD that was accidentally left in the cd player...




ok so for the debt diet update: so we sold the CRV and made more than we owed which turned into a good down payment on the subaru! We just climbed ourselves out of $3,200 dollars worth of debt! Our car payment is now $100+ dollars cheaper now and so that extra money will go towards smaller debt-(Dave Ramsey's snowball effect)- and I get paid tomorrow for my first month of delivering papers...I think Julia will finally be paid off...she has been a pain all around- just kidding- I obviously love the girl.

I am going to call into the Dave Ramsey show one day...yes I will.

4th

July 4th...is usually when I am feeling the least patriotic...it is usually busy and chaotic- but this year was good- relaxed and good. Tara and Niels brought over fireworks and we just sat out on our lawn and watched the boys do their firework thing. I like fireworks...but mostly the really big ones that go BOOM. I love the boom-

the highlight of the night was Chay getting all giddy about blowing up Kenzie's little indian toy. Our conversation:

Chay: "Where's the that little indian of Kenzie's?"

April:"why?"

Chay: "Because I want to blow him up...tie him up and strap fire crackers around him"

April: "um...ok"

there she goes

ok this is going to sound retarded...but I cried today when the new owners drove off with our car. I loved my CRV. But I am trying to stay focused on our money goals...so no more car payment and....now we don't have a car that can take the whole family...we will have to quickly figure that out.

I don't think we will have a nice car like our CRV for a long time...I loved the AC, the Heater, keyless entry- see- I'm easy to please.

Can I drive a minivan??? I don't know if I can yet. I'm not ready. Maybe when kid 4 comes around I will think about it- breathe Chay...just breathe...

why are you so serious?

this is as serious as I could get julia...she just didn't understand when I kept telling her, "julia- be serious" while taking her picture.