waiting

Here is a picture of Mom's flower garden...this is from this summer.

ok, well I am sure as time gets close there will be more and more posts like this one. That is ok right?

I really don't know how to handle my mom leaving me.

Yesterday it hit me really hard. I thought I was being so brave all along...I guess not.

I kind of had a hard week last week...just that everyday life kind of stuff we all deal with from time to time. Julia hasn't been sleeping at all at night and my health seemed a little jeopardized from the lack of sleep. I felt worn out and really just wanted a good conversation with Mom.

Now most of you know that my relationship with my mom is a little surreal...my roommates in college could never quite get it why I wanted to talk to my mom so often- until they met her. It is true I have always been very close to my mom. She is my friend. I can share every feeling and it is ok with her. She is understanding yet wise with her council. She never makes me feel bad when I make a poor choice- she only bears her testimony often and reminds me how much Heavenly Father loves me...I just always feel like she cares about me- and she listens to me...

Yesterday I called my mom...

It didn't seem like it was her on the other line. She was distant and her words were kind of scattered. She wasn't making sense. I instantly became a little upset. I don't know why I got upset but I became defensive and angry that she wasn't being "mom". After only 5 minutes she started to slur her words and she forgot what she was saying. My eyes filled up with tears. I finally said, "Mom, you're acting really tired, why don't I let you go so you can sleep" she replied, "Yes I am tired..." I tried to crack a joke about how Dad and her should try to sleep on her hospice bed together... and she didn't laugh...I can always make my mom laugh. She just remained serious. My heart ached a little as I longed to hear her contagious giggle...but it was gone. The tears were now coming down hard (kind of like right now) and I knew...I just knew my mom will never be the same again.

come back Mom....please...I need to talk to you. I need to tell you about my day. I need you to be proud of me...you are so good at being proud of me. No one really cares as much as you do about the little things- you always get so sincerely excited when I tell you about Mckenzie and Julia. I miss you. I miss you for all the selfish reasons right now. I love how confident I get when I am around you. You have always supported my talents...thank you for always believing in me. I miss our talks the most. It has been awhile since I have really talked to you...I better get used to the wait. I love you Mom.