first frost

We woke up this morning with frost on the ground...Mom's flowers will soon be gone.

Mom is sort of non responsive now. She sometimes says things out of the blue but she mostly just hums when trying to speak. Her voice sounds different. She slurs a lot. Her eyes roll back in her head a lot. She hurts all over. The cancer is spreading through her body. The brain tumors are effecting parts of the brain that cause her to be very agitated and emotional. She cried and cried for 2 days straight and we couldn't leave her side. She kept getting out of bed. The bed alarm would constantly go off and the nurses would find Mom trying to walk across the room. They once found her sitting at the table. The nurses finally gave her a stronger anti anxiety pill that calmed her down. She seems to be a little more comfortable at the moment. She has a catheter now and so she doesn't have that many reasons to get out of bed...but her mind still tells her she needs to go to the bathroom- the nurses are so kind and loving- they politely put Mom on the toilet even though she has a catheter in- just to allow her to feel comfortable and at ease. Although it has been about 2 days now that she hasn't left her bed- I think they wheeled her out to hear Joette play the piano but she was awake for maybe 5 minutes and fell asleep.


With the love and service of others I have been able to spend time alone with Mom. So many wonderful people have offered to watch my kids and it has meant so much to me. Thank you...I am so touched by the wonder of it all- so many of you have been so generous- helping in anyway you can...what an example you all are to me.

Yesterday I spent a couple hours with Mom. Calie (my brother Keith's wife who is practically my real sister) came about an hour after I got there. Mom knew we were there. She moaned and attempted to open her eyes several times. I even said, "squeeze my hand Mom if you are in pain" and I felt her soft hand grip tightly around my hand. She even said "Hi" to Calie with all efforts. But that is it...no more words really. She mostly slept.

Yesterday Calie and I sat in her room and watched her as we talked about the marvelous lady Mom is. We told stories and shared feelings. Calie's words, "even now she is teaching me something...She is always teaching me something" Calie also said, "I look forward to her influence on my family from the other side" Calie, I will always remember yesterday...it meant a lot to me to share that moment with you. I love you.

I fought with my Dad the night before. All emotions are running high right now. After our heated argument I felt so embarrassed. I felt really dumb. I thought of my mom watching me from Heaven and being so disappointed in me and it crushed me. I just want to honor Mom and...be better- try harder to forgive, be more patient...The next day I told Dad I was sorry... and I made him a big salad. That made his day. I love my Dad and I can only imagine what his heart must be lacking right now.

The nurse told me yesterday that Mom is real close. She also said that women always last longer than men. She said men die very quickly compared to women- women are usually grandmas and mothers and they want to nurture and take care of everything right up until their last breath. I thought that was beautifully said...

I just can't believe the moment is here. It doesn't seem real. Mom always pulled through somehow and so I just kind of stopped thinking she would eventually die. She just kept beating the odds over and over again. Now it is here. She isn't coming home. This is so weird and painful- yet peaceful. I am so grateful for the Gospel- what hope the Truth brings. Last night I was moping around the house and wishing I could have Mom back. There is still food in the fridge mom has bought- the cupboards are full of her stuff- she was always disorganized- like me...and so this transition time is so hard because she is still so much everywhere...but I realized how wonderful it will be when I get to see her again.

But she isn't gone yet. I get to see her this afternoon and I can't wait.

I would post pictures but my mom's computer doesn't have a SD card reader- but here are some links to Joette's and Calie's blogs. Mom looks different because of the steroids she is taking for inflammation in the brain. Her face is swollen from the medications...I decided to link their posts since the time Mom decided to get the Gamma Knife treatment which was the second week in August- since then she has declined at a very fast pace. We all kind of sort of believe the Gamma Knife put her body in over stress mode and that not all of her brain tumors were radiated...so it has saved her eyesight but it didn't slow down the process of tumor growth in her brain...

Tuesday August 26, 2008
Thursday August 29, 2008

August 29, 2008

Friday September 19, 2008

September 21,2008
September 22, 2008
Tuesday September 30, 2008
Friday October 3, 2008
Sunday October 5, 2008