I think bread is taking the place of Mom in my life.
yes bread, and those uncooked tortillas from Costco (fried to perfection), and those mint dark chocolate 3 musketeers- have you had those? oh my gosh- close to perfect. 
so I'm sure on some subconscious level I'm trying to eat my mom back to life...
Death is sort of weird. I still can't grasp it. I just can't. But food on the other hand is quite attainable and very understandable...and why deal with life when there's pumpkin chocolate chip cookies to be eaten...and enjoyed for that matter-
ok so anyway- Memories of Mom are still so vivid. Her voice is still fresh in my head like I talked to her yesterday. (it doesn't help that it's her voice on the voice mail when I call home to talk to Dad...I always say in my head "Dad please pick up- please pick up- I don't want to hear Mom's voice- not tonight anyway)
With each different part of me trying to cope, I go through several phases of surviving and mourning Mom's death- sometimes I just want to honor her, sometimes I want to go to the temple to feel close to her, sometimes I pretend to talk to her, sometimes I want to cook like her, sew like her, create like her, write like her, laugh and be friendly like her- sometimes I just want to make her proud of me, or sometimes I want her to feel guilty for leaving me (ouch), sometimes I am mad, sometimes I am really hurting, sometimes I don't care and I go a whole day without her even crossing my mind...until I try to go to sleep that night-and then I have these million and one thoughts of Mom and they won't go away. I swear she haunts my thoughts.
Women in general are really fascinating. Can you imagine what Christmas would be like without women? What man likes to wrap gifts with bows, sing Christmas songs at random times during the day, make gingerbread houses for fun- without being forced by guilt? What man likes to put up the tree, hang stockings, frost cookies, and go caroling?- (unless there is a snowball fight and donuts and hot chocolate somewhere in the mix-) Women are creators and tradition makers- Wholesome Christmas memories are embedded in our minds mostly because of women- mostly because of mothers.
So how does one deal with a motherless Christmas?
So I have tried all I can (on good days) to emulate Mom- and get excited like she got during Christmas. I got the tree up the first week in November (it is my way of erasing anything to do with Halloween) and I got the Christmas song book out and put it on the piano. I made a wreath for my kitchen wall (will post pictures later) and...I am trying to think of some traditions- I will make Mom's cinnamon rolls again for the neighbors- but mostly every tradition I've had included going home to Spokane and having Mom take over the show. What is Christmas without Mom?- I mean honestly.
I am attempting to make stockings. Mom sewed our stockings and they mean so much to me now- so I figure I better do the same- plus I want to learn how to use that wretched machine...it even smells like Mom. I can thread the needle just fine- it's the bobbin (spell check?)spool on the bottom that always gets me confused- and so I would always always ask Mom how to do that part and she would laugh as she explained it to me for the 100th time.
Joette dropped off Mom's sewing machine and surger last week, plus a whole bag full of patterns. For 2 weeks now I have been searching for a free Christmas stocking pattern (I'm sort of in 2nd grade when it comes to sewing) and a couple days ago I decided to go through the bag of Mom's patterns- and there right on top was of course-a stocking pattern Mom had made herself- with a piece of paper included- all in Mom's beautiful handwriting, written step by step how to sew a Christmas stocking- written so even a 2nd grader could understand it. miracle #1
Thanks Mom- So I guess you're sort of around after all this Christmas.
9 comments:
That is neat you are making stockings from your mom's pattern. Post pics and let us know how us goes.
I can't imagine dealing without a mom at Christmas. You are so stalwart April. I really admire you!
oh, and I am so glad you found your wallet!!!
don't forget to write about miracle #2 which really came before miracle #1 .... the nativity... oh that sweet blessing. Mom is with us... I hung up the stockings and put up the plastic cup light decorations..
I was just going through my "good reads" friends and your mom's name and email came up. I just started to cry. And then I just saw that you updated your blog, so I came to see what you're up to and found this and now I'm crying again. You are in my thoughts and prayers April. I hope you feel your mom close by always... I still can't believe she's not here....
I love her pattern cut from the 'comics' section. I can just see her thinking to herself... "I don't want to cut it out of something boring, where's the comics?!" I LOVE that she hand wrote the instructions.... priceless....
Dear April,
You don't know me, but we do have a mutual friend--Cami. It was she who introduced me to your blog. I have to say I am an avid reader and have been touched by your sweet spirit many, many times. You see, my father committed suicide just a couple months before the loss of your dear mother. Through your entries, you have been able to voice (write) many of the similar feelings I have been going through in the loss of my father. Although the relationship with your mother was so much more tender and close, it seems the feelings of grief and loss are similar in certain instances. Many days still go by where I feel this is so surreal--I often wonder if it is really happening. I am often pulled back to reality. Thank you for your strong & touching testimony and your willingness to share such tender moments and thoughts. You have touched lives that you didn't even know about! I am very grateful for the lessons your experiences and strength have taught to me. One thing I have learned throughout my experience with this loss is that time does heal. Slowly, but surely. I pray that you feel comfort in this Holiday Season. I have no doubts that you already know to what Source you can look to for such comfort. God bless you and give you the daily peace that is needed in this life.
aj- thank you for the comment- I am sorry to hear about your father. I can't even imagine what confusion and pain you must be feeling right now. I hope you can continue to find strength-
My grandpa committed suicide before I was born but it was very troubling and hard for my mom- her whole life- so I know she leaned on the Savior's atonement all the time.
It is interesting how comforting it is to reach out and help others who are going through the same thing as us. The survival seems possible- thank you for sharing your story.
april, its almost 2 in the morning and here i am scrolling thru blogs. what an amazing post this is - i am sitting on my bedroom floor with my computer in my lap crying and smiling. thank you for sharing your heart and your pain, i learned so much tonight by reading this and i am thankful.
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