I prefer living room performances

I really don't know what I was thinking when I said yes to do a musical number for ward conference. I really don't know what I was thinking when I got the idea that I would sing while playing the piano. I have never done that in my life before...well not publicly. I have done many live concerts before...in my living room that is...and I'm the only one listening. Or I sneak down to the church and play on the grand piano- during college I would often go the music building at night and find open doors to concert halls...oh it was just lovely. Tall rooms with stadium seating to the ceiling it seemed and a grand piano that was 100 ft long...ok it wasn't 100 feet long but you get the picture...anyway

the point I am making is that I really love to perform...by myself that is. I am my greatest audience.

Growing up Joette and I would place the vacuum in the middle of the living room and we would pretend it was a microphone. Of course we imagined to be on a stage singing to a crowd of 50,000 plus but realistically we were just staring at an empty sofa.

So...yesterday was just nerve racking. I create all this confidence when I practice by myself. I play extraordinarily well and sing exactly how I want to sound...but the minute I am under pressure from a huge congregation with the whole stake presidency 2 feet away from my face...oh brother. My hands start to shake and I hear the little voice in my head, "What on earth are you doing April?"

From the compliments afterwards I guess I did better than I thought. They seemed sincere for the most part. Our neighbor came up to me and said the song I sang reminds her of the baby girl she lost to SIDS many years ago. With tears in her eyes, I knew deep inside I could have royally screwed up the song and it wouldn't have mattered because regardless, she would have felt the closeness of her little baby. That made it all worth it. A very close friend of mine said, "when you sing, you sing with the spirit-I just want to cry when you sing"- so again- maybe it's not that important to have a flawless performance...maybe there is something bigger and better...yes there is.

I sang a rendition with my own twist added here and there of "Nearer my God to Thee"...and I pray the first thought to pop into your head when you think of that song is not Leonardo DeCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic. "Jack!"

I still don't know why Rose couldn't move over and share that huge floating door with Jack.

Anyway- music is my friend. I'm not trained...nor professional by any any any means...but creating music or playing certain types of music- it somehow knows how to dig out all the feelings I don't know how to express verbally. It is really quite unexplainable. And I somehow feel this connection with something...not of this world-maybe heavenly?... a glimpse of our real home?...a reunion?...see, I can't explain it very well...hence; unexplainable.