life

well my whole May makeover goal turned into a messy MS takeover...

The dentist experience flipped my world upside down...6 cavities filled...then 2 days later an emergency root canal, novocaine, PAIN PAIN worse than labor PAIN, medications...sent my body into an overdrive kill. I have never experienced such constant hurtful pain. I would lay on my bed all day with my head sandwiched between two pillows with tears streaming down my cheeks as my whole brain and mouth throbbed. The Vicadin didn't even do much but make me throw-up and be drowsy...the anti-biotics (I am for the most part anti anti-biotics) gave me the onset of a yeast infection..oh lovely...and so...well- all my goals sort of collapsed and I became very discouraged.

Once the pain killers started to actually work I was able to feed my children something else besides saltine crackers and milk...they upgraded to bread and peanut butter...and promised marshmallows if they watched cartoons for more than an hour without complaining. You will watch cartoons all day, you will rot your brain, fry your eyes, numb out all creativity, and zone out of reality...all day...or you will go to time-out...understand? Now be good girls and go downstairs and turn on the television.

But now that I can sort of control the pain...I am now dealing with immense fatigue, numb feet, pains and weakness in my left side and all the other weird MS crappy stuff- my body is very sensitive and fragile...and so running and exercising is OUT of the question...everything is out of the question besides surviving...it is so discouraging...

one thing I am learning:

The header banner on my blog has a quote I no longer like. "This is your world. Shape it. Or someone else will."

This quote was once liked because I tend to "let the voices of critics paralyze me" and sometimes people's opinions have too much influence on my ideas and goals...but why I don't like the quote anymore is because one thing I have learned these past 2-3 weeks is that my life is really in God's hands not mine. He shapes it. He teaches me, He guides me, He blesses me, He patiently waits for me to break through discouragement with strength that He gives me. Like the song I quoted a while ago, "my life's not really mine...It's all about His design" (beautiful to him)

What I have in mind for me is not always what God has in mind for me. I have to learn to trust this ounce of profound truth.

I get so sad that I can't accomplish the goals I have the way I want to. What is accomplishment anyway? And success? Most of the time it's a cultural definition of what accomplishment and success should be...and rarely God's.

We measure our worth on the weirdest things. I used to complain to my mom that I couldn't get anything done around the house because I was holding Julia all day and she would gently remind me that I was getting everything done that I was supposed to get done...It took me awhile to believe that...but I am starting to have so much joy "wasting time" with my girls. Come snuggle with me, come cook with me, come read with me, let's be together! Let's "waste time" being together. I love being with my girls. Little guilt on those playful days...love it.

anyway. so. back to complaining. I wish my body was healthy. I wish I could bounce back like I could just 4 years earlier. oh well. What am I supposed to be learning here??? Teach me.

And then there is Chay. He is trying to understand me...I don't have a tumor growing out of my face and my arms aren't cut off...so it is hard to explain what it is I'm going through when I am dealing with MS, discouragement, aching teeth...but Chay is an amazing person. I cherish him. I want to kill him sometimes...But I love him so much. He is full of so much love...so much love...he insists on fixing me...But I tell him to just hear me out- it will do more good...He has taken over so many responsibilities- paper route included and hasn't complained about the tornado of a house...or the saltine cracker dinners. Chay has given me beautiful priesthood blessings and has rubbed my back until I fall asleep. I love my Chay. I love being with him and talking to him. I love reading to him. He let's me read him to sleep.



Together we are taking on some major changes in our life and the ONLY way we will make it through is by leaning on each other. No outside influences will work this time. This is a me and Chay thing. I believe in us.

Now I have to find strength again. I will. I just have to be continually grateful for my blessings and have faith that Heavenly Father knows what's up.

I need to be around friends who keep my mind on funny and meaningful things...and with time this too shall all pass. It has to. It is too "all consuming" for it to stick around much longer. I demand this part of my life to be over thank you. I don't like it. This body is something else I tell you. So precious. Don't take it for granted. I will not be lying on a hospice bed at 59. I will be healthy. Maybe this is all a gift in disguise.

Well that is that. faith be with me.

oh and P.S.

Joette is in love. That alone makes me so happy. The Lord really is mindful of us isn't He? She found the man of her dreams. It has finally happened.