when pain is beautiful

 How do I even begin to write about everything happening in our lives right now. It's just been a constant roller coaster of emotions and changes ever since Covid hit the world in Spring of this year. 

But today October 18, 2020 Chay was released from being the Bishop of the Washington Terrace 2nd ward. I can barely write it without welling up with tears. oops- there it is. Big tears. So many emotions and feelings. 

So we moved from our beloved Terrace home in July. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done- same with the family- and again being in church today and watching my husband conduct for the last time and seeing him with that special mantle was hard to let go of. It is true- the harder you love the harder you hurt and somehow the pain is beautiful and sorrowful. The only way I can wrap this up and have it make sense to me- is that when we give it our all, we love with our whole heart, we sacrifice and put greater things before ourselves and then we have to sometimes say goodbye because it's our time- those feelings- is the ultimate life experience. It's like we see a quick glimpse of what God really wants us to be learning and feeling here on earth. As a family we decided to put so many things on hold as we served God and the people of the 2nd ward for 4 1//2 years. And even though it was hard, discouraging, and tiresome at times- it made our life story meaningful- full of purpose beyond anything we could have achieved materialistically, monetarily.

As we drove away from the chapel for the last time today our eyes filled with tears. What were we feeling? Sadness? yes. Was it kind of like a death? Yes. But it was also tears of gratitude for the experience no matter how painful it was. I know leaving the actual ward and neighborhood made it so much harder- but I couldn't help but feeling enveloped with all these life experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world. Of course we couldn't live forever in the Terrace and of course we couldn't be bishop forever- all these things must come to an end, but we loved and went 100% and because of that, the hurt was more intense yet more fulfilling. 

We talked on the way home about how feeling this way makes us feel alive and that we are so grateful for all the experiences. I even brought up the fact that Kenzie will be leaving the house in 3 1/2 years and how nothing can stop that pain from happening and even though it will be so so hard to let our first baby go and everyone's big sister, we must be grateful for all the magic that has happened in our home over the past years and be grateful for her life. Be happy that she is moving on and becoming an adult- as much as we would like to have her stay home forever- we really don't want her to stay- because she needs to keep growing- We were all in tears as a family as we talked about Kenzie leaving the home. But it was a healthy needed cry and our love for one another solidified. It was a treasured moment that would never happen unless we were feeling the pain and sorrow of leaving the ward and saying goodbye to Dad being the Bishop. 

I was so in love with Chay today and I could feel his heavy heart. I just love the man that he is. What an amazing person I married. Such a good person with a beautiful testimony. He is such an obedient man who loves the Lord. I want to go through life's trials by his side. He was a remarkable bishop who quietly served. His testimony was often shared through his actions. Many of the ward members never saw his long hours outside church where he was helping someone in need. He was kind and he let people lead. He trusted people's capabilities and their stewardship over their callings. Without looking for praise or attention he continued to show up and serve others.              

Just do it anyway

Early October 2020 

 Last night was family home evening. It was chaotic and everyone was in a bad mood. It was a day of making sure everyone was happy or taken care of at least. Laundry, car rides, dinner. My whole life is devoted to someone else- everyone else. And it is hurtful when the kids are mouthy and disobedient and it make me sad inside- and feel fully under appreciated. But regardless of feeling helpless at times not really knowing if I am making any kind of impact on the family, I keep trying. I just do. Kenzie was supposed to teach the lesson but she decided to not be very kind to others which lead her not wanting to do the lesson. So I did it, again. But Julia volunteered to do the activity. She had us do all an origami cube and it turned out to be so good! Kenzie didn't leave and she stayed even though she was in a bad mood and at the end she was smiling. It all came together. So moral of the story, do what is right even if it's hard, and it will somehow work out. Just do it anyway. 

October 7, 2020 General conference was so powerful. By the end of 5 sessions I was bawling because I knew in my heart I was hearing truth and I felt so honored to the life I have been given. 

I love homeschooling Sam and Alice. It has been exactly as I hoped. TIME. A lot of TIME together. I just want to spend time with them and it's been exactly that. And Alice and Sam have been growing closer. I won't lie, not every day is perfect and they would probably be learning more at school but Sam is becoming a good reader and he knows I love him. He is not ignored or forgotten by the one (me) who loves him most which I'm sure he would feel at times when everyone is home- and when I have to run the older girls to their activities. 

Xander blew me kisses when he said goodbye to me the other day. And I melted. He is 10. Please don't grow up son. You are such a loving fun playful person. I don't want the world to taint you. You love to play games and make believe still. I love you Xander. Our neighbors have grandkids who like to come over and play. One of the boys is Xander's age but he's such a sporty tough boy and always wants Xander to throw a football with him. Alice likes to play with the young girl- her name is Areya. Xander wanted to play with Alice and Areya because they were playing some make-believe game and that is more like Xander. Xander suggested to Titan (his name is Titan) that they play with the girls and Titan was so confused and not having it- so he left and Xander got to have "real" fun. I love that story. Xander gives me a hard time about working and doing chores but he is really good at doing his afternoon chores besides dishes. He puts up quite the fuss with dishes. He acts like mold and the most contagious deathly disease is on the dishes and he just hates it so much. Sometimes I get weak as a mom and I don't have the strength to put up with his complaining. But Xander is such a wonderful person. Loves his family and loves his mom. For some reason Chay and him can argue a lot which proves how stubborn they both are and they play each other's game. I hope Chay and him grow a stronger relationship- I think they will. 

some September 2020 memories

September 20 One thing I love about my kids is that they are kind to adults and they usually always say thank you. I noticed the other day we left a friend's house and each and every one of them said loud and happily "good bye!" I loved that. 

Sunday I spent most of the day helping Chay write up a packet of instructions of how the ward will worship during this whole Covid thing. We no longer live in Washington Terrace but Chay is still the bishop and so we want to give it our all until the very end. It's been an interesting time for our family as we shuffle this hard move and with Chay being bishop. 

Later that evening we helped clean up branches of a dear friend who lives in the Terrace. Her name is Melisa Russel and her son Matt and Kenzie have been friends since they were 4. A horrible windstorm came through the Terrace and even though we moved away from our dear  home of 13 years, I cried for 5 days after I found out that the tree our kids grew up with had fallen down. So so sad. 

After that we went to the church and printed out 300 copies of a packet to give to all new and old ward members. The ward boundaries changed last week and so the ward inherited a bunch of new members. Kenzie, Julia, Chay, and I all sat and stapled the packets together. 

September 28 The mornings and night are brisk and another season is changing. The leaves are slowly starting to turn. Tonight I played basketball is with Sam for a little bit. He made a few baskets and I told him he was sooo good and he said to me "yeah, but I won't ever play in the olympics" 

Tonight around the table I asked everyone how they saw God's hand in their lives. Julia mentioned she is grateful for all the new friends she is making at junior high. Samson said he wanted to be nice so he gave his captain chair to Xander. It was so sweet to hear that. Alice said she wants more Pokemon cards. 

The girls played volleyball with a neighbor girl named Melanie. They played in the backyard of our next door neighbors. They have a large back yard with no trees. Kenzie likes to teach. She would be a good teacher. She really has a wonderful side to her where she earnestly wants people to succeed. Sunday night Kenzie and Julia played volleyball in the cul de sac. I loved looking out the window and seeing them play together. 

Alice told me I was the worst mother ever today in the car. We got home and about 20 minutes later she comes upstairs with full blown tears- telling me that she is so sorry. It was such a tender moment for her to humble herself and to feel bad for being hurtful. It made my heart melt. 

The house is full of chaos- all loud voices wanting to be heard. Little quarrels turning into big quarrels sometimes into full blown fights with mean words being exchanged. Julia and Kenzie have really become amazing young women- gorgeous and confident but man they can be beasts. It is always unpredictable when they are home- never quite sure what explosion is lurking around the corner.  I hope they read this when they are older and maybe feel a tiny bit of remorse for the heartache they caused from time to time. But I will always love them. I pray for them in my heart all day long. 

I have much to say about the covid corona whatever virus. But I don't want to right now. I just know I loved having my children all come home from school in March and it turned out to be really magical for our family A lot of playing outside. Our worlds didn't change all that much compared to some. I seemed more busy than ever and yet not so busy since everything stopped. 

September 29 Happy Birthday Mom! You left the earth 12 years ago dying right after your 59th birthday and right after my 29th birthday. 

This morning after I dropped off the kids at school, I came home and Sam and I got into my bed. He was cold and so we snuggled together. I am homeschooling Sam this year mainly because I wanted to spend more time with him. It has been so good for the most part. Together Sam and I read a book together and it was pretty much heaven being with him, hearing him read- then our cat Bruxa jumped on our bed and Sam said, "If you were a cat mom, you would be Bruxa" I asked him why and he said, "because she is so pretty" melted my heart. 

Sam the other day when he thought no one was listening "The first thing I'm going to buy as an adult is a pizza."