I have been tagged. Online terminology makes me laugh...
I have also received a couple circulating emails from friends about the 4's in their lives...so I think I will combine them all and answer them all here. I swear I have already done this before...
I had a hard time keeping my 4's to 4. Sometimes I just had to have 5,6, or 7.
ok...here we go...
4 shows I like to watch...
1. The office
2. HGTV- pretty much anything on that channel gets my wheels turning.
3. Glenn Beck- only sometimes...he can be a bit much at times.
4. My little secret- Re-runs of Desperate Housewives on Lifetime. That show makes folding the clothes very entertaining.
4 things I am passionate about...
1. personal truth and finding more and more of it
2. The miracle of The United States of America, the Founding Fathers-
3. Health, feeling amazing and finding truth in these areas
4. The Gospel of Jesus Christ, family, home, and relationships.
4 phrases I say a lot...
1. let's be soft girls
2. for crying out loud
3. Where is the sunshine????
4. Mommy loves you so much
4 of my favorite stuff...
1. My Dr. Denese's Dream Cream face moisturizer
2. My chacos
3. My blendtec blender
4. my water pillow. Everyone needs a water pillow.
4 things I have learned from the past...
1. My weaknesses can become my strengths
2. The body is a gift. Treat it like so.
3. My accomplishments don't win God's Love. He loves me no matter what!
4. Best friends made from teenage/college years are PRICELESS...no guilt, no facade, no shame, no backbiting, - just true loyal friendship.
4 places I want to go...
1. The Sacred Grove
2. Brazil- but this time in vacation mode and not missionary mode.
3. Serve a mission with Chay in Brazil...back to missionary mode.
4. Somewhere beautiful and foreign...not a beach...and not a cruise...but somewhere where we hike/walk a lot...and ride bikes...trees, lakes, rivers, sweat, maybe a service project with an orphanage or something...Machu Picchu would be so fun to see and hike.
4 things I would like to learn to do...
1. rock climb
2. kayak
3. wood working- build furniture
4. how to grow everything- landscaping and gardening
4 things I did yesterday...
1. Went to Good Earth Natural Foods
2. Filled up 7 gallons of "my" water at Macey's
3. Read several chapters of Exodus...kept thinking of the cartoon "Prince of Egypt"
4. Went to bed at 9! It was lovely.
4 things I am looking forward to...
1. Summer if there is such a thing in this dreadful place. No more snow! Do I live in Alaska? I swear the summers are longer there than here.
2. Having my house the way I want it- I know, I'm dreaming
3. Seeing my mom again someday. Oh I can't wait!
4. Having my sweet little baby boy...
4 things I am not looking forward to...
1. having my sweet little baby boy-(newborns are so wonderful but so hard, sleepless nights scare me.)
2. when the girls spend more time at school than at home.
3. whatever next congress will pass
4. summer ending...I know it hasn't even begun, but I miss it already.
4 things I love about Winter...
1. Utah's huge-in your face-gorgeous-snow capped mountains- BREATHTAKING!
2. wearing pea coats, hats, sweaters, and scarfs
3. Kid's excitement for Christmas
4. Christmas music
4 things I love about Summer...
1. watching the kids explore and play
2. mornings
3. watering the garden
4. swimming, walks, hikes, BBQ's, warm nights, camping, garage sales
4 things that bug me...
1. when Kenzie won't take NO for an answer
2. long lines
3. snow in April
4. negative people who make fun of everyone
4 things on my wish list...
1. a garage, yes a garage 16X20 to be exact
2. a SLR camera- nice one
3. a new kitchen
4. a guitar, piano lessons, to be strong and in amazing shape
4 things on my to-do list
1. paint my armoire- waiting for nice weather
2. paint bedroom downstairs
3. have the binki fairy come
5. paint and set up the bunk bed- waiting for nice weather
4 of my favorite foods
1. avocados
2. home-made salsa from the garden
3. pears
4. salad with all the fixings- sunflower seeds on top
4 things I do when bored
1. read blogs
2. play the piano
3. make the girl's laugh
4. call a friend
ok so what are your 4's? Your turn to blog about it now.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
childhood books
Nothing like a book to satisfy my inner weakness:
When I would read this book growing up, I secretly wanted it to snow chunks of white wonder bread.
Years past and I forgot about the book but the wonder bread obsession stayed...I think the obsession is finally gone...but a storm of chocolate mint ice cream would be nice. But since I'm eating ultra healthy...I guess an asparagus hail storm would have to do...imagine an endless supply of asparagus on our front lawn...(that was for you Chay)
Years later I found the book "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" downstairs in my parent's house. Joette and I were reading it for the first time in probably 15-20 years. We laughed so hard.
Our conversation, "who let's children read these kind of books? Because of this book, we now subconsciously fantasize about the pancake mountain!" We then confronted Mom and tried blaming her for buying the book...We were kidding obviously...but seriously not a healthy book for someone with food obsessions...and I am steering clear from the movie.
And then we got to the famous Henry books by Robert Quakenbush. Joette and I decided on the same night to read some more books from our childhood that have caused us to deal with certain "issues" in our life. Oh it was so fun to pull these books out and read them out loud. Joette, mom and I were laughing so hard...who knew children's books could be so entertaining...and destructive.
Has anyone out there read these books??? Do they stress anyone out like they stress me out? Henry the Duck is a basket case with an obvious overly manipulative friend named Clara. I would say Henry has some sort of addictive obsession with pleasing Clara. Joette and I both agreed we have had to deal with a couple "Claras" in our life. I swear Robert Quackenbush had a serious case of OCD.
So I brought these books home with me and now they're in the bookcase. And yes I read them to my girls. And yes Kenzie gets overly worried about Henry not getting to Clara's birthday party on time.
What books did you read when you were little?
When I would read this book growing up, I secretly wanted it to snow chunks of white wonder bread.
Years past and I forgot about the book but the wonder bread obsession stayed...I think the obsession is finally gone...but a storm of chocolate mint ice cream would be nice. But since I'm eating ultra healthy...I guess an asparagus hail storm would have to do...imagine an endless supply of asparagus on our front lawn...(that was for you Chay)
Years later I found the book "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" downstairs in my parent's house. Joette and I were reading it for the first time in probably 15-20 years. We laughed so hard.
Our conversation, "who let's children read these kind of books? Because of this book, we now subconsciously fantasize about the pancake mountain!" We then confronted Mom and tried blaming her for buying the book...We were kidding obviously...but seriously not a healthy book for someone with food obsessions...and I am steering clear from the movie.
And then we got to the famous Henry books by Robert Quakenbush. Joette and I decided on the same night to read some more books from our childhood that have caused us to deal with certain "issues" in our life. Oh it was so fun to pull these books out and read them out loud. Joette, mom and I were laughing so hard...who knew children's books could be so entertaining...and destructive.
Has anyone out there read these books??? Do they stress anyone out like they stress me out? Henry the Duck is a basket case with an obvious overly manipulative friend named Clara. I would say Henry has some sort of addictive obsession with pleasing Clara. Joette and I both agreed we have had to deal with a couple "Claras" in our life. I swear Robert Quackenbush had a serious case of OCD.
So I brought these books home with me and now they're in the bookcase. And yes I read them to my girls. And yes Kenzie gets overly worried about Henry not getting to Clara's birthday party on time.
What books did you read when you were little?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
ffff continued
I know my last post had strong language and I'm sure I offended some or appeared ignorant to others.
I believe in the individual before the collective. Because what is a collective if each and every individual in the collective aren't given their agency? You have a pretty lame collective- a lame enough collective that they need a king to govern them...because as an individual they never learned to govern themselves. Collective is never first...the collective is a POWERFUL second...once the individual is allowed to grow and learn from liberty. The whole society flourishes because the individual had his/her personal liberty.
For those reasons I still believe health care is a privilege and not a right to the individual.
I have been denied coverage twice because I had a D&C operation and also for MS. It sucked and seemed a little unfair. But never once did I expect my health bills to paid for by someone else.
Now those who are dealing with things more life threatening- my heart goes out to them. I know many people are dealing with the loom of medical bills...and I know people are sick with an illness and can't find insurance. There are some major problems out there with the financial end of health care...the costs especially...everyone knows that...it is a tricky sad situation.
But the so called "answer to health care problems" the congress voted for on Sunday was NOT the solution. It is an unconstitutional bill, giving too much power to the executive branch- which was never intended and even warned against by the founding fathers.
It's a power grab bill not a health care bill. It is screwy and a complete mess. It was pushed through, it was lobbied, it was driven by special interests...maybe there were some great things passed in the bill...but at what cost are we willing to give it all away? It's the trade that scares me. It's the instant gratification- the quick fixes, the hand out of health care- for the trade of grievous consequences that will happen later on that scare me...
I'm not cold hearted and I don't want people with no health insurance to suffer- oh please. I cry at Liberty Mutual commercials remember? I just don't feel like this health care bill will help in the long run. It will slowly destroy and kill what makes America great. I see the bigger picture. Health care now and then what's next? The outcome...the long haul...the dependency it will cause, the free markets being attacked, big government, the constitution hanging by a thread- scary.
I believe that if God helped direct the writing of the Constitution, He could have also helped with a fair constitutional health care bill that would attack the real problems and not satisfy the want of power. But it almost seems that faith in God's help is out of the question these days- almost a thing of the past...like we have progressed too far to need God in our lives. Most politicians seem to only use God to get votes.
I know there was an executive order made to protect abortions from being funded by tax dollars- we will see how effective that is. Aborting a child is wrong enough, let alone having the government/people pay for it...oh boy watch out...God wouldn't let that go on for too long I'll tell you that.
Like I've said before, our biggest problem in this country is that we are becoming God-less. We are taking Him out of the equation. We are forgetting Him. We keep Him set aside for Sunday's only (if that)...and for that obligated prayer here and there that arises with tradition only. I don't think any civilization will survive long without God, not even capitalism will work if God isn't the moral foundation of men's decisions. Greed, power, dishonesty, deceit, and immorality are found wherever God isn't.
I believe in the individual before the collective. Because what is a collective if each and every individual in the collective aren't given their agency? You have a pretty lame collective- a lame enough collective that they need a king to govern them...because as an individual they never learned to govern themselves. Collective is never first...the collective is a POWERFUL second...once the individual is allowed to grow and learn from liberty. The whole society flourishes because the individual had his/her personal liberty.
For those reasons I still believe health care is a privilege and not a right to the individual.
I have been denied coverage twice because I had a D&C operation and also for MS. It sucked and seemed a little unfair. But never once did I expect my health bills to paid for by someone else.
Now those who are dealing with things more life threatening- my heart goes out to them. I know many people are dealing with the loom of medical bills...and I know people are sick with an illness and can't find insurance. There are some major problems out there with the financial end of health care...the costs especially...everyone knows that...it is a tricky sad situation.
But the so called "answer to health care problems" the congress voted for on Sunday was NOT the solution. It is an unconstitutional bill, giving too much power to the executive branch- which was never intended and even warned against by the founding fathers.
It's a power grab bill not a health care bill. It is screwy and a complete mess. It was pushed through, it was lobbied, it was driven by special interests...maybe there were some great things passed in the bill...but at what cost are we willing to give it all away? It's the trade that scares me. It's the instant gratification- the quick fixes, the hand out of health care- for the trade of grievous consequences that will happen later on that scare me...
I'm not cold hearted and I don't want people with no health insurance to suffer- oh please. I cry at Liberty Mutual commercials remember? I just don't feel like this health care bill will help in the long run. It will slowly destroy and kill what makes America great. I see the bigger picture. Health care now and then what's next? The outcome...the long haul...the dependency it will cause, the free markets being attacked, big government, the constitution hanging by a thread- scary.
I believe that if God helped direct the writing of the Constitution, He could have also helped with a fair constitutional health care bill that would attack the real problems and not satisfy the want of power. But it almost seems that faith in God's help is out of the question these days- almost a thing of the past...like we have progressed too far to need God in our lives. Most politicians seem to only use God to get votes.
I know there was an executive order made to protect abortions from being funded by tax dollars- we will see how effective that is. Aborting a child is wrong enough, let alone having the government/people pay for it...oh boy watch out...God wouldn't let that go on for too long I'll tell you that.
Like I've said before, our biggest problem in this country is that we are becoming God-less. We are taking Him out of the equation. We are forgetting Him. We keep Him set aside for Sunday's only (if that)...and for that obligated prayer here and there that arises with tradition only. I don't think any civilization will survive long without God, not even capitalism will work if God isn't the moral foundation of men's decisions. Greed, power, dishonesty, deceit, and immorality are found wherever God isn't.
Monday, March 22, 2010
ffff
fight for freedom friday...on Monday.
I don't know everything. I do not have all the answers.
Yet, I know the health care bill passed yesterday was unconstitutional.
No, Mrs. Pelosi health care is not a right. It is a privilege.
We were born with certain rights like liberty, not free health insurance, not a free house nor any kind of hand-out. When we honor our God-given inalienable rights, great privileges still may or may not occur. The pursuit of happiness...is a pursuit--not a handout. With liberty, life still is hard at times (imagine that?) and with liberty life can bring great rewards. Liberty allows each one of us to learn. Real learning- through failure and through success...which produce privileges...like a car, a comfortable retirement, health care, a decent safe home or whatever it is you feel is important to have...to some it means to travel or to own a 52 inch flat screen...we choose- health care is a choice.
Ok liberals, side note, but honestly, do you all really like Nancy Pelosi or do just some of you like her? Doesn't she give you the hibi-jibies whenever she talks? She is one disturbing eerie leery lady. She is not a feel good person.
Today on CNN the reporter was reading viewer emails regarding the newly passed health care bill. One viewer wrote in, "I am so happy this bill passed because I am poor and now the rich can pay for my health care."
This is a mess. The founding fathers are ROLLING over in their graves. They are up in heaven just disgusted right now--covering their eyes.
Hold on everybody...get prepared. The ride has only just begun. Listen to the counsel of the prophets and get out of debt, get your food storage, gather your family close, and stay close to the promptings of the Spirit- and as we try to cling to this foundation of principled living hopefully our children or our children's children will know how to handle the financial crisis the government of today has caused...
oh and please vote out all the crazies this November.
"A Campaign Begins Today" by Mitt Romney
"America has just witnessed an unconscionable abuse of power. President Obama has betrayed his oath to the nation — rather than bringing us together, ushering in a new kind of politics, and rising above raw partisanship, he has succumbed to the lowest denominator of incumbent power: justifying the means by extolling the ends. He promised better; we deserved better.
He calls his accomplishment “historic” — in this he is correct, although not for the reason he intends. Rather, it is an historic usurpation of the legislative process — he unleashed the nuclear option, enlisted not a single Republican vote in either chamber, bribed reluctant members of his own party, paid-off his union backers, scapegoated insurers, and justified his act with patently fraudulent accounting. What Barack Obama has ushered into the American political landscape is not good for our country; in the words of an ancient maxim, “what starts twisted, ends twisted.”
His health-care bill is unhealthy for America. It raises taxes, slashes the more private side of Medicare, installs price controls, and puts a new federal bureaucracy in charge of health care. It will create a new entitlement even as the ones we already have are bankrupt. For these reasons and more, the act should be repealed. That campaign begins today."
— Mitt Romney is the former governor of Massachusetts and author of No Apology.
I don't know everything. I do not have all the answers.
Yet, I know the health care bill passed yesterday was unconstitutional.
No, Mrs. Pelosi health care is not a right. It is a privilege.
We were born with certain rights like liberty, not free health insurance, not a free house nor any kind of hand-out. When we honor our God-given inalienable rights, great privileges still may or may not occur. The pursuit of happiness...is a pursuit--not a handout. With liberty, life still is hard at times (imagine that?) and with liberty life can bring great rewards. Liberty allows each one of us to learn. Real learning- through failure and through success...which produce privileges...like a car, a comfortable retirement, health care, a decent safe home or whatever it is you feel is important to have...to some it means to travel or to own a 52 inch flat screen...we choose- health care is a choice.
Ok liberals, side note, but honestly, do you all really like Nancy Pelosi or do just some of you like her? Doesn't she give you the hibi-jibies whenever she talks? She is one disturbing eerie leery lady. She is not a feel good person.
Today on CNN the reporter was reading viewer emails regarding the newly passed health care bill. One viewer wrote in, "I am so happy this bill passed because I am poor and now the rich can pay for my health care."
This is a mess. The founding fathers are ROLLING over in their graves. They are up in heaven just disgusted right now--covering their eyes.
Hold on everybody...get prepared. The ride has only just begun. Listen to the counsel of the prophets and get out of debt, get your food storage, gather your family close, and stay close to the promptings of the Spirit- and as we try to cling to this foundation of principled living hopefully our children or our children's children will know how to handle the financial crisis the government of today has caused...
oh and please vote out all the crazies this November.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
small choices
and how about those Liberty Mutual commercials????
These commercials have a powerful message...and for some odd reason they make hormonal pregnant ladies cry.
With all the cruddy icky that surrounds us, there is still so much good.
(you might have to let this buffer)
Smart marketing I'd say.
These commercials have a powerful message...and for some odd reason they make hormonal pregnant ladies cry.
With all the cruddy icky that surrounds us, there is still so much good.
(you might have to let this buffer)
Smart marketing I'd say.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
29
Poor Chay...sick with something funky. Fever, chills, nausea...
We cancelled all birthday plans so the guy can get better.
He is so quiet and relaxed when he is sick. Doesn't say much...just wants his head scratched.
Chay is 29 today.
Chay has the biggest heart.
He hates when people and family pre-judge him. It crushes his spirit.
He is SMART. Mechanics, electronics and carpentry stuff come very easy for him.
He is the perfect FRIEND. Kind to EVERYONE he meets.
He is not a communicator of words...yet he is very easy to read.
He likes to take baths...even in our bathtub which is about 3 feet too small for him.
He is healthy. (not this week but for the most part I am astounded with his energy)
He is tall. He is handsome. You should see him in a suit.
He is a hard worker.
He doesn't ever put his shoes away...and he HATES doing the dishes with a PASSION.
He makes everyone feel comfortable.
Chay is funny. Chay has the best laugh...the most contagious smile.
He cares about people and gets mad when they make silly mistakes.
Chay loves talking 4wheeler-motorcycles-anything-with-an-engine with his brothers.
Chay is a people guy.
Chay is protective. Mr. Safety. Careful. Watchful.
Chay is a good Daddy. He is our prince in shining armour around here.
Chay loves God.
Chay is a fighter for his family and his relationships. He is not a quitter.
He is deeply committed.
Happy birthday Chay. love you.
We cancelled all birthday plans so the guy can get better.
He is so quiet and relaxed when he is sick. Doesn't say much...just wants his head scratched.
Chay is 29 today.
Chay has the biggest heart.
He hates when people and family pre-judge him. It crushes his spirit.
He is SMART. Mechanics, electronics and carpentry stuff come very easy for him.
He is the perfect FRIEND. Kind to EVERYONE he meets.
He is not a communicator of words...yet he is very easy to read.
He likes to take baths...even in our bathtub which is about 3 feet too small for him.
He is healthy. (not this week but for the most part I am astounded with his energy)
He is tall. He is handsome. You should see him in a suit.
He is a hard worker.
He doesn't ever put his shoes away...and he HATES doing the dishes with a PASSION.
He makes everyone feel comfortable.
Chay is funny. Chay has the best laugh...the most contagious smile.
He cares about people and gets mad when they make silly mistakes.
Chay loves talking 4wheeler-motorcycles-anything-with-an-engine with his brothers.
Chay is a people guy.
Chay is protective. Mr. Safety. Careful. Watchful.
Chay is a good Daddy. He is our prince in shining armour around here.
Chay loves God.
Chay is a fighter for his family and his relationships. He is not a quitter.
He is deeply committed.
Happy birthday Chay. love you.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
healing segment
so about 2 weeks ago I burned my tongue really bad tasting a homemade minestrone soup I was making. It had more vegetables than normal and quinoa instead of pasta...but honestly it was gross...I messed up on the spices and I kept hoping it would taste like Olive Garden's.
Nope. Not even close. (anyone have a good minestrone soup recipe that I could alter?)
But it was the whole burning tongue thing that became such a burden...so munching on spinach leaves without taste buds didn't go over too well with me.
I couldn't taste much for 3 days and my tongue hurt so bad. Then Chay came home with a half gallon of ice cream and nothing sounded more lovely on my burnt tongue...and you know, it was lovely. I also made cookies and stopped drinking my supergreens for a couple days...On Sunday of last week I could tell I was feeling icky...fatigue, headaches, cloudy, weak, achy...and by Tuesday I came down with a horrible sore throat. Wednesday it moved to my chest...and ever since then I have had the worse chest cold. The coughing is out of control.
My body is sensitive. I KNOW the sugar and dairy jeopardized my immune system...I just know it. Plus I am pregnant...which never helps the immune system either.
Many of you disagree with me on the dairy thing. Trust me, I want to disagree too. I love dairy. Who doesn't love yogurt, cheese, and a big tall glass of milk with a peanut butter sandwich? But I also almost married the wrong guy once...loved him dearly...but oh so so wrong for me...it was NEVER meant to be.
I'm not 100% sure humans should be so dependent on the cow as much as they are...we can't live without the cow...have you ever noticed? moooo moooo and they're really dumb animals. Trust me I know- we raised cattle until I was 12. My dad knows how to talk to them. He knows how to call to them and they'll follow him. True farmer that man. But cows really are so stupid. They just stand out in a field all day looking around and eating. It convinces me on a very small level that their only purpose in life is to be eaten...mooo mooo
ok so now I am trying all I can to heal my cold fast. Back on track. Burnt tongue no more. Green drink several times a day. Herbal tea, colloidal silver, steam facials, blessings, prayer...I'm trying it all- I'm kind of forced to being pregnant since I can't take anything over the counter...I was dreaming of downing NyQuil the other night.
Does anyone out there have a perfect natural remedy for bad colds? Charity? Cami? You two come to mind. Please share. Charity, I remember you telling me about this grapefruit extract thing you would do????
I am starting to feel a little better...still a nasty cough...but hopes are high.
ok several questions have been asked about my weird way of eating...and it is weird...makes perfect sense to me, but weird...especially with our culture.
moooo mooooo
I will answer the questions when I have more time. Took too much time writing about stupid cows.
Nope. Not even close. (anyone have a good minestrone soup recipe that I could alter?)
But it was the whole burning tongue thing that became such a burden...so munching on spinach leaves without taste buds didn't go over too well with me.
I couldn't taste much for 3 days and my tongue hurt so bad. Then Chay came home with a half gallon of ice cream and nothing sounded more lovely on my burnt tongue...and you know, it was lovely. I also made cookies and stopped drinking my supergreens for a couple days...On Sunday of last week I could tell I was feeling icky...fatigue, headaches, cloudy, weak, achy...and by Tuesday I came down with a horrible sore throat. Wednesday it moved to my chest...and ever since then I have had the worse chest cold. The coughing is out of control.
My body is sensitive. I KNOW the sugar and dairy jeopardized my immune system...I just know it. Plus I am pregnant...which never helps the immune system either.
Many of you disagree with me on the dairy thing. Trust me, I want to disagree too. I love dairy. Who doesn't love yogurt, cheese, and a big tall glass of milk with a peanut butter sandwich? But I also almost married the wrong guy once...loved him dearly...but oh so so wrong for me...it was NEVER meant to be.
I'm not 100% sure humans should be so dependent on the cow as much as they are...we can't live without the cow...have you ever noticed? moooo moooo and they're really dumb animals. Trust me I know- we raised cattle until I was 12. My dad knows how to talk to them. He knows how to call to them and they'll follow him. True farmer that man. But cows really are so stupid. They just stand out in a field all day looking around and eating. It convinces me on a very small level that their only purpose in life is to be eaten...mooo mooo
ok so now I am trying all I can to heal my cold fast. Back on track. Burnt tongue no more. Green drink several times a day. Herbal tea, colloidal silver, steam facials, blessings, prayer...I'm trying it all- I'm kind of forced to being pregnant since I can't take anything over the counter...I was dreaming of downing NyQuil the other night.
Does anyone out there have a perfect natural remedy for bad colds? Charity? Cami? You two come to mind. Please share. Charity, I remember you telling me about this grapefruit extract thing you would do????
I am starting to feel a little better...still a nasty cough...but hopes are high.
ok several questions have been asked about my weird way of eating...and it is weird...makes perfect sense to me, but weird...especially with our culture.
moooo mooooo
I will answer the questions when I have more time. Took too much time writing about stupid cows.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
growing up
Yesterday Chay was out of town taking care of some family business...
and so that left pregnant me, who is a little under the weather may I add, and the girls to do the paper route. Let's just say I was NOT happy about it. But oh well...on we go right?
Of course I was driving the route and Kenzie persistently asked if she could help. Since the papers were being delivered dreadfully late, I got desperate at the end and took up Kenzie's offer. Little 4 year old Kenzie was running from house to house with rolled up newspapers in her hand. She would drop the papers off at a few doors and run back into the car. She would always buckle up again...only to take off her seat belt 2 minutes later. She was huffing and puffing and got the best exercise of her life. She was so proud of herself, as was I. While she is still willing, we will have to make her our little paper girl helper more often. It was so cute. Mckenzie...growing up.
My first attempt at cutting Mckenzie's hair:
I cut Kenzie's hair yesterday. It was a long and tangled mess. Kenzie kept asking for bangs...oh dear. I didn't want to fork out the money for a cut so I pretended I knew what I was doing. Not always a good idea.
I still need practice but it works for now. Ready for summer anyway. I cut off a good 6 inches. She looks so different to me- so grown up. And Ju Ju...oh dear...she refuses to grow up- wants to be a baby still...which we are carefully working on...but whether she likes it or not she is growing up too...she turned into a little girl over night. So precious. I secretly want her hair. I haven't seen anyone look so good with messy hair.
and so that left pregnant me, who is a little under the weather may I add, and the girls to do the paper route. Let's just say I was NOT happy about it. But oh well...on we go right?
Of course I was driving the route and Kenzie persistently asked if she could help. Since the papers were being delivered dreadfully late, I got desperate at the end and took up Kenzie's offer. Little 4 year old Kenzie was running from house to house with rolled up newspapers in her hand. She would drop the papers off at a few doors and run back into the car. She would always buckle up again...only to take off her seat belt 2 minutes later. She was huffing and puffing and got the best exercise of her life. She was so proud of herself, as was I. While she is still willing, we will have to make her our little paper girl helper more often. It was so cute. Mckenzie...growing up.
My first attempt at cutting Mckenzie's hair:
I cut Kenzie's hair yesterday. It was a long and tangled mess. Kenzie kept asking for bangs...oh dear. I didn't want to fork out the money for a cut so I pretended I knew what I was doing. Not always a good idea.
I still need practice but it works for now. Ready for summer anyway. I cut off a good 6 inches. She looks so different to me- so grown up. And Ju Ju...oh dear...she refuses to grow up- wants to be a baby still...which we are carefully working on...but whether she likes it or not she is growing up too...she turned into a little girl over night. So precious. I secretly want her hair. I haven't seen anyone look so good with messy hair.
quotes I found today
“When we rejoice in great music and art, it is but the flexing of instincts learned in the previous life.” ~Elder Neal A. Maxwell
I swear I am reminded of a familiar heavenly place when I hear certain music.
Experienced it today.
Oh and I love this one too:
"It is much easier to believe in eternal progression than to practice daily improvement. Likewise, the need for humility is easy to assent to, but it is so difficult to receive corrective counsel humbly." ~ Elder Neal A. Maxwell
So so so true...easier to talk about the importance of being humble than actually being humble. What? You expect me to really change? Naa I'd rather just talk about it at church...or point out others who need to change than actually do it myself... far far easier.
Anyone stumble with this too at times???
Can you tell I love and miss Elder Neal A. Maxwell????
I swear I am reminded of a familiar heavenly place when I hear certain music.
Experienced it today.
Oh and I love this one too:
"It is much easier to believe in eternal progression than to practice daily improvement. Likewise, the need for humility is easy to assent to, but it is so difficult to receive corrective counsel humbly." ~ Elder Neal A. Maxwell
So so so true...easier to talk about the importance of being humble than actually being humble. What? You expect me to really change? Naa I'd rather just talk about it at church...or point out others who need to change than actually do it myself... far far easier.
Anyone stumble with this too at times???
Can you tell I love and miss Elder Neal A. Maxwell????
Sunday, March 07, 2010
sunday nap
You'd think a book with a title like that- it would keep anyone awake to read it...
sorry Walter...my Ju Ju had a long day. She'll catch up on your stinky adventures when she wakes up.
Friday, March 05, 2010
snow and more snow
This is what we woke up to this morning...and it is still snowing and snowing...and I think I'm about to go crazy. I took this picture 1/2 hour ago. There is a couple more inches now. I think I've had enough. Where am I? What is this place? My sister told me yesterday that it has been 65 degrees all week up where I'm from- and that is 700 miles north from here! On days like these I irrationally start planning a way to get us to move home. I miss home. I miss Spring. ok let's try to be grateful...the snow is sort of pretty...and the mountains here are absolutely breathtaking. I am thankful for the moisture...and to all those avid skiers and snowboarders who come from all over and jam up the airport from November to April- have at it. Welcome to Utah.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Cinderella
I can deal with Cinderella pretty well.
My girls are fascinated with her. For that very reason I refuse to buy any Disney movies. But Kenzie is smart...too smart...her wheels are always turning. One day she said, "YouTube will play Cinderella right?"
Yes, you can watch Cinderella on YouTube. In 9 minute segments.
What is it with little girls and princesses? Disney is a mastermind I swear.
Reasons why I can handle Cinderella pretty well:
My girls beg to help me clean the kitchen floor so they can sing "Sing Sweet Nightingale"
Cinderella is dressed pretty decent and modest I'd say.
Cinderella's stepmother reminds me of my piano teacher when I was 5...and also my mean 2nd grade teacher.
I am totally inspired by Cinderella's color choice of work clothes. Who doesn't love brown and blue together?
My girls know "Lucifer" means bad bad bad...and he's always out to get you.
I often get requests to sing "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that your wish will come true" I'd say those are pretty positive lyrics.
And when Cinderella Barbie loses a glass slipper somewhere in the big toy box, there is always an easy explanation to the girls why it must be missing. She is the only princess barbie allowed to be missing a shoe in this house.
so this is love...hmmmm hmmmm
Monday, March 01, 2010
trusting the Weaver's hand
It seems as I go through Mom's keepsakes, I discover she didn't collect much of anything unless it was super sentimental.
I am proud of you Mom for not being a pack rat of all those many church handouts and non meaningful Christmas/birthday cards. I would have never guessed- especially knowing what your craft room used to look like over the years :)
But I did stumble upon this poem in Mom's stuff- it must have spoken to Mom the same way it spoke to me. I can see why she decided to put it in her keepsake box...this quote made sense to her- she knew and trusted God was doing something great with her despite her many trials.
The Weaver
My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I can not choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
forget that He seeth the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loam is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand,
as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
~Al Bryant
Thank you for keeping this Mom so I could find it today. Who knew you would still be influencing our lives the way you are from the other side.
I am proud of you Mom for not being a pack rat of all those many church handouts and non meaningful Christmas/birthday cards. I would have never guessed- especially knowing what your craft room used to look like over the years :)
But I did stumble upon this poem in Mom's stuff- it must have spoken to Mom the same way it spoke to me. I can see why she decided to put it in her keepsake box...this quote made sense to her- she knew and trusted God was doing something great with her despite her many trials. The Weaver
My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I can not choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
forget that He seeth the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loam is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand,
as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
~Al Bryant
Thank you for keeping this Mom so I could find it today. Who knew you would still be influencing our lives the way you are from the other side.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
everything edie kaye
I am going to do it and it's going to be a lot of work...
I'm making a book on blurb about Mom. This book will be everything Edie Kaye. Her life history, pictures, letters, motherhood, the church, marriage, memories, stories, funnies, her family, traditions, callings, friends, personality, her loves, her dislikes...her words of wisdom...
I have gone through two bins full of Mom's pictures, letters, and life history stuff these past two days and have organized it all by dates and events. (Joette, you would be so proud) It was emotional to witness once again how many people loved her. She has stacks of letters given to her over the years by so many different people--and these letters are the heartfelt kind of letters--the "5 pagers" kind of letters, expressing how much they are grateful for Mom and her example.
There's a reason for the picture of the chain...does anybody know?
So yes I have a big job ahead of me...but this book is just something I MUST do...for posterity's sake and for Mom's sake. This will be the ultimate way of telling her Thank You.
Um check out this picture I found of my mom in 1968. Don't you just love the coat?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
healing segment2
Wow I feel great...I really do.
I know how my engine runs now...which I know is different than others...and that is ok. Some can put in the cheap gas and run just fine, but my body needs the super super duper highest octane premium fuel they make.
I am so intrigued now with how I function and work...because I can see such an amazing reversal in how I feel.
My brain is so clear. I have more energy than I have had for a long time and I even feel adventurous. The only bad part is that I am back to wanting to do a million things at once- but I am also back to feeling confident about my goals.
People who are cloudy in the brain are the only ones who understand something is missing when trying to process feelings, accomplish tasks- figuring out the day can even be a challenge- especially when feeling wasted and inadequate is looming over you. I know it sounds weird, but like I said, only for those who understand--understand.
Not so much cloudiness anymore...
Here is a shake I make almost every day- sometimes twice a day. I absolutely love it.
1/2 cup non sweetened soy or almond milk
1 peeled lime- the big limes
half english cucumber
1 tomato
1 scoop supergreens
stevia
2 big handfuls of baby spinach
1 avocado
tray of ice cubes
blend it.
I have had quite a few people ask me what eating "alkaline" means. I will explain it later. Got to go.
Friday, February 19, 2010
kenz and ju ju
um...no I don't do my girls' hair often, nor do I rarely care what they are wearing- as you can see. I do try however...on somedays...like Sundays...but I just figure the majority of their life they will be worrying about that kind of stuff...so why stress out Mom so early?
Love love love my girls. They can be so crazy and out of control...so creative...so obnoxious. Mckenzie and Julia are best friends...their little conversations are more than precious. Now I can finally say I am glad I had them so close together. They are pure entertainment...they bring me so much joy...on most days.
Love love love my girls. They can be so crazy and out of control...so creative...so obnoxious. Mckenzie and Julia are best friends...their little conversations are more than precious. Now I can finally say I am glad I had them so close together. They are pure entertainment...they bring me so much joy...on most days.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
thank you cami
The red peppers are probably the biggest best looking peppers I have ever seen. They are so huge...and they are all mine. No one is allowed to eat them besides me.
Thank you for the little thoughtful gift. I almost didn't answer the door because I had a layer of mascara under my eyes and I haven't done my hair for a couple days...your surprise visit threw me off guard. I thought it was the UPS man. I feel I cut you short today because Julia and Kenzie were both holding your canned applesauce and salsa in their wobbly hands and I was a little worried I wouldn't be able to enjoy them before they broke all over the floor.
and laughing cow cheese??? oh what a treat...that is all mine too.
Thank you for thinking about me. Thank you for being aware and listening to the promptings. Sometimes it just feels good to know someone cares about you.
Thank you Cami.
I am so glad you didn't move away :) You can move away when we move away.
Monday, February 15, 2010
the church in Haiti
I found this article to be very touching about the LDS church members in Haiti. Thank goodness none of our chapels were damaged in the quake and they can be used as a place of refuge temporally and spiritually from all the trials some of the people of Haiti are facing right now. This article proves the faith and strength of the Haitian people.
Make sure to read all parts of the story. There are also other articles about the church members in Haiti on this website.
Check it out. Very inspirational.
http://www.ldsmag.com/churchupdate/100202church.html
healing segment- time to be kooky
My "healing segment" posts might be boring to most...and there will probably be quite a few in the future. They are here for documentation, motivation, information- regarding my search for health. BORING to those who are generally healthy, interesting for those who can relate.
I am at the tipping point.
It is 4:18 in the morning. I can't sleep. My body is tired but my brain won't settle down. My health is not good.
I know I am really kooky about some things...especially when it comes to health and nutrition. I think it's because I am sick with MS. I think it's because I have weird things going on inside my body that most people don't deal with. I think it's because I saw my mom die of cancer at 59. She was also sick most of her life with other things...like MS and Fibromyalgia. I think that is why people with incurable health problems, who become desperate enough, start seeking different routes for their health and therefore become "kooky".
When Mom died I read some of her journals. In 1985 she wrote "I know if I don't take better care of my body, I will die soon." She also wrote a couple years later, "I feel that my eating habits are killing me slowly."
Mom used to tell me all the time that she felt so impressed by the Holy Ghost to figure out her health...and she did...after the diagnosis...when it was probably too late. She really made some huge changes and taught us all so much about how important our bodies are. I believe she extended her life with the eating choices she made at the end. We sort of gladly said "good bye" to her home cooked meals...maple country ribs, pies, potatoes, jello salads and said "hello" to collard green salads with Quinoa vegetable pilaf instead. We supported her...and we made sure she didn't break down and go for ice cream when she was discouraged. I remember calling her and saying "Mom if you feel like ice cream and brownies, just call me instead." I was her 12 step mentor. I was very impressed with her. She lost a lot of weight, the radiologist saw tumors disappear in her lungs and hips, her swollen ankles were no more, her skin radiated, she had unimaginable energy. It was a lesson for all of us.
It is time for me to listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost now...and not wait until a diagnosis much more grave than MS hits me.
ok back to "kooky".
A couple days ago I mustered up the strength to get the Supergreens out and I made up a drink. Morning sickness and a quart of liquid full of floating green vegetable herb powder has NOT sounded appealing to me these past 3 months. The nausea turned me away from anything of such. I went from green drink to 7-up over night. Anyway so I made the drink. I put it on the counter and stared at it. I knew in my heart of hearts I needed to start drinking it and to change my eating habits drastically. But I didn't want to. I wasn't feeling well enough to...too much work and sacrifice for the moment. Wasn't I sacrificing enough? Hello I am pregnant? I take care of 2 girls all day? Shouldn't I just be naturally blessed with a healthy body for doing what I do? yeah right. If only it were that easy.
I left the green drink on the counter, full, and I sort of walked away thinking I would drink it later somehow. I came back 20 minutes later and the water bottle was empty. Kenzie and Julia had drank the entire quart and were asking me for more.
In a way, the empty bottle was a huge motivator. I looked at them in the eyes and said, "thank you for drinking my green drink, thank you! We can do this, can't we girls! We can do this." They looked at me strangely. Kenzie, my little cheerleader, "We can do it Mom!"
anyway so it is an upward battle...but today is the tipping point for me. Today is February 15th. I am extremely tired with hardly any energy to be found. My brain is foggy. My left side does tricks on me when I sit still. I have a mild headache at the moment but they can get pretty severe at night. I get winded walking up the stairs. I have the blues. My joints kill when I get up after sitting for a long time- I walk around like an 80 year old for about 5 minutes. I feel nauseous and icky. I have a really bad cold with a plugged up ear. My toes are completely numb. My body aches all over. I feel weak. I do not feel good. Something isn't right and I know it.
So here I go. I ate a Valentine sugar cookie tonight with "to die for" (literally) Butter Cream with Almond extract frosting and I knew inside it was going to be awhile until I ate sugar again. So I made sure to eat another one:) And then I felt even worse after that.
It is time to alkaline and energize. A theory I feel that best resonates with my answers to healing.
It is "kooky" to eat a certain way when everyone else around you is eating what the culture has taught us to eat and plus let's face it, unhealthy food tastes sooo good. It will be sort of hard. Chay knows I am kooky but he is so supportive. He won't touch a Kale smoothie for the life of him, but he is still supportive.
Tomorrow I go shopping. I need a really good salad spinner and some sharp knives. I think I will purchase an "Easy Sprouter" off Amazon too. Costco for avocados and vegetables and almonds, Good Earth for some sprouted wheat tortillas and almond butter and other fun stuff...
"The first wealth is health." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am at the tipping point.
It is 4:18 in the morning. I can't sleep. My body is tired but my brain won't settle down. My health is not good.
I know I am really kooky about some things...especially when it comes to health and nutrition. I think it's because I am sick with MS. I think it's because I have weird things going on inside my body that most people don't deal with. I think it's because I saw my mom die of cancer at 59. She was also sick most of her life with other things...like MS and Fibromyalgia. I think that is why people with incurable health problems, who become desperate enough, start seeking different routes for their health and therefore become "kooky".
When Mom died I read some of her journals. In 1985 she wrote "I know if I don't take better care of my body, I will die soon." She also wrote a couple years later, "I feel that my eating habits are killing me slowly."
Mom used to tell me all the time that she felt so impressed by the Holy Ghost to figure out her health...and she did...after the diagnosis...when it was probably too late. She really made some huge changes and taught us all so much about how important our bodies are. I believe she extended her life with the eating choices she made at the end. We sort of gladly said "good bye" to her home cooked meals...maple country ribs, pies, potatoes, jello salads and said "hello" to collard green salads with Quinoa vegetable pilaf instead. We supported her...and we made sure she didn't break down and go for ice cream when she was discouraged. I remember calling her and saying "Mom if you feel like ice cream and brownies, just call me instead." I was her 12 step mentor. I was very impressed with her. She lost a lot of weight, the radiologist saw tumors disappear in her lungs and hips, her swollen ankles were no more, her skin radiated, she had unimaginable energy. It was a lesson for all of us.
It is time for me to listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost now...and not wait until a diagnosis much more grave than MS hits me.
ok back to "kooky".
A couple days ago I mustered up the strength to get the Supergreens out and I made up a drink. Morning sickness and a quart of liquid full of floating green vegetable herb powder has NOT sounded appealing to me these past 3 months. The nausea turned me away from anything of such. I went from green drink to 7-up over night. Anyway so I made the drink. I put it on the counter and stared at it. I knew in my heart of hearts I needed to start drinking it and to change my eating habits drastically. But I didn't want to. I wasn't feeling well enough to...too much work and sacrifice for the moment. Wasn't I sacrificing enough? Hello I am pregnant? I take care of 2 girls all day? Shouldn't I just be naturally blessed with a healthy body for doing what I do? yeah right. If only it were that easy.
I left the green drink on the counter, full, and I sort of walked away thinking I would drink it later somehow. I came back 20 minutes later and the water bottle was empty. Kenzie and Julia had drank the entire quart and were asking me for more.In a way, the empty bottle was a huge motivator. I looked at them in the eyes and said, "thank you for drinking my green drink, thank you! We can do this, can't we girls! We can do this." They looked at me strangely. Kenzie, my little cheerleader, "We can do it Mom!"
anyway so it is an upward battle...but today is the tipping point for me. Today is February 15th. I am extremely tired with hardly any energy to be found. My brain is foggy. My left side does tricks on me when I sit still. I have a mild headache at the moment but they can get pretty severe at night. I get winded walking up the stairs. I have the blues. My joints kill when I get up after sitting for a long time- I walk around like an 80 year old for about 5 minutes. I feel nauseous and icky. I have a really bad cold with a plugged up ear. My toes are completely numb. My body aches all over. I feel weak. I do not feel good. Something isn't right and I know it.
So here I go. I ate a Valentine sugar cookie tonight with "to die for" (literally) Butter Cream with Almond extract frosting and I knew inside it was going to be awhile until I ate sugar again. So I made sure to eat another one:) And then I felt even worse after that.
It is time to alkaline and energize. A theory I feel that best resonates with my answers to healing.
It is "kooky" to eat a certain way when everyone else around you is eating what the culture has taught us to eat and plus let's face it, unhealthy food tastes sooo good. It will be sort of hard. Chay knows I am kooky but he is so supportive. He won't touch a Kale smoothie for the life of him, but he is still supportive.
Tomorrow I go shopping. I need a really good salad spinner and some sharp knives. I think I will purchase an "Easy Sprouter" off Amazon too. Costco for avocados and vegetables and almonds, Good Earth for some sprouted wheat tortillas and almond butter and other fun stuff...
"The first wealth is health." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunday, February 14, 2010
my v-day
Woke up to heart shaped pancakes and meat and egg burritos.
Chay was busy making the day special for everyone. I then asked him, "Do you love me...most ardently?"
He then said, "of course...your pancakes are hearts...and you must have just watched one of those movies where they talk in weird English didn't you?" I guess he hasn't read yesterday's post yet :)
Then sitting around breakfast, my valentine gives me a red shaped heart box. It's full of chocolate. That was really sweet.
Kenzie comes walking out a few minutes later with a little box with a bow around it. When she handed me the gift I knew immediately what it was. I got teary eyed and so did Chay. This is what I found inside the box: (my camera doesn't do close ups very well...but I still had this picture on hand)
My wedding ring. Not the one I lost 3 years ago, but an identical one. It was just as beautiful as ever...a little tight on my finger- an incentive to make sure it fits better after pregnancy.
But I can't stop staring at the ring...I am still sort of numb to it all. I am so taken away at how thoughtful that was of Chay.
Thank you Chay. All so very sentimental...a symbol of all these crazy wonderful years together and I promise to take better care of it this time. "And I love... I love...I love you."
Chay was busy making the day special for everyone. I then asked him, "Do you love me...most ardently?"
He then said, "of course...your pancakes are hearts...and you must have just watched one of those movies where they talk in weird English didn't you?" I guess he hasn't read yesterday's post yet :)
Then sitting around breakfast, my valentine gives me a red shaped heart box. It's full of chocolate. That was really sweet.
Kenzie comes walking out a few minutes later with a little box with a bow around it. When she handed me the gift I knew immediately what it was. I got teary eyed and so did Chay. This is what I found inside the box: (my camera doesn't do close ups very well...but I still had this picture on hand)
My wedding ring. Not the one I lost 3 years ago, but an identical one. It was just as beautiful as ever...a little tight on my finger- an incentive to make sure it fits better after pregnancy.
But I can't stop staring at the ring...I am still sort of numb to it all. I am so taken away at how thoughtful that was of Chay.
Thank you Chay. All so very sentimental...a symbol of all these crazy wonderful years together and I promise to take better care of it this time. "And I love... I love...I love you."
Saturday, February 13, 2010
made my night
Stayed up late by myself and watched Pride and Prejudice...
Does it get any better than that?
"You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." ~Mr. Darcy
Does it get any better than that?
Friday, February 12, 2010
searching for a remedy
I have never experienced postpartum depression.
I have experienced "newborn-lack-of-sleep-boobs-hurt-I can't-handle-life" syndrome before but it usually only lasts a couple weeks while trying to adjust to having a new baby. I wouldn't consider it depression.
But what about pre-partum depression? Is there such a thing? Just googled it. There is such a thing. I think I have it.
This baby is doing something crazy with my brain I swear.
It is officially official. I hate being pregnant. It is rarely neat for me. The ultrasounds are lovely and the kicks and little movements make me wonder about the growing spirit inside me, but other than that...I hate it.
At times like these I start to question why women go through what they do. As Chay goes about his life all happy go lucky pursuing his little hobbies, I drag myself around the house all day desperate to feel normal and healthy again. I don't throw up as much as I used to thank goodness. If that were the case I think I would have admitted myself into a mental hospital by now. I still have the headaches... and the nausea at night but mostly I just feel so wasted...I think on some level I am wishing to sleep my life away. I sleep 10 hours at night and sleep 3 hours during nap time. I feel swollen and weak. My MS symptoms have been haunting me lately and I'm experiencing accelerated weight gain...I don't have my up and go anymore. It is lost somewhere.
I'm in a rut...an emotional and physical rut.
And where is the sun for crying out loud? Enough winter already.
5 more months 5 more months- I feel like the prisoners who daily carve a tally of their days on their cell wall-
ok now that I sound pathetic...what can I do about this? There has to be a way out. I won't survive 5 more months if there isn't.
anybody have a remedy?
Today I wanted to talk to somebody about how I feel. I wanted to talk to someone I 100% trust- only because I was pretty sure I would bawl my eyes out. I then went through a list of people I could call and I just didn't feel safe enough to call anyone...Joette was on top...but she is really busy with a life entirely different than mine. I just felt silly. I felt alone.
Mom. Mom. Mom. I feel safe with Mom. My mom knew I was a nut job and it was ok. She knew all about my ups and downs. She understood my woman emotions and my often overly felt broken heart. Mom. Mom. Mom. She was always the first person I called.
And then I knew I just needed to pray...because I know Heavenly Father is the only one I can always 100% trust. I feel safe with Him...and even though I miss Mom terribly I knew Heavenly Father was the best person to go to. I sat on my floor in the living room (we really need furniture) against the wall and just spilled it all out to Him...I know He was listening to me. I almost felt like I was being cradled like a baby.
My problems are so small compared to what some people go through, but they are still my problems, my trials, and I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and my heart. I am thankful for prayer.
I have experienced "newborn-lack-of-sleep-boobs-hurt-I can't-handle-life" syndrome before but it usually only lasts a couple weeks while trying to adjust to having a new baby. I wouldn't consider it depression.
But what about pre-partum depression? Is there such a thing? Just googled it. There is such a thing. I think I have it.
This baby is doing something crazy with my brain I swear.
It is officially official. I hate being pregnant. It is rarely neat for me. The ultrasounds are lovely and the kicks and little movements make me wonder about the growing spirit inside me, but other than that...I hate it.
At times like these I start to question why women go through what they do. As Chay goes about his life all happy go lucky pursuing his little hobbies, I drag myself around the house all day desperate to feel normal and healthy again. I don't throw up as much as I used to thank goodness. If that were the case I think I would have admitted myself into a mental hospital by now. I still have the headaches... and the nausea at night but mostly I just feel so wasted...I think on some level I am wishing to sleep my life away. I sleep 10 hours at night and sleep 3 hours during nap time. I feel swollen and weak. My MS symptoms have been haunting me lately and I'm experiencing accelerated weight gain...I don't have my up and go anymore. It is lost somewhere.
I'm in a rut...an emotional and physical rut.
And where is the sun for crying out loud? Enough winter already.
5 more months 5 more months- I feel like the prisoners who daily carve a tally of their days on their cell wall-
ok now that I sound pathetic...what can I do about this? There has to be a way out. I won't survive 5 more months if there isn't.
anybody have a remedy?
Today I wanted to talk to somebody about how I feel. I wanted to talk to someone I 100% trust- only because I was pretty sure I would bawl my eyes out. I then went through a list of people I could call and I just didn't feel safe enough to call anyone...Joette was on top...but she is really busy with a life entirely different than mine. I just felt silly. I felt alone.
Mom. Mom. Mom. I feel safe with Mom. My mom knew I was a nut job and it was ok. She knew all about my ups and downs. She understood my woman emotions and my often overly felt broken heart. Mom. Mom. Mom. She was always the first person I called.
And then I knew I just needed to pray...because I know Heavenly Father is the only one I can always 100% trust. I feel safe with Him...and even though I miss Mom terribly I knew Heavenly Father was the best person to go to. I sat on my floor in the living room (we really need furniture) against the wall and just spilled it all out to Him...I know He was listening to me. I almost felt like I was being cradled like a baby.
My problems are so small compared to what some people go through, but they are still my problems, my trials, and I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and my heart. I am thankful for prayer.
Monday, February 08, 2010
what we really yearn for
“Trials and tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us, leaving the essence of what we really are and clarifying what we really yearn for.” ~Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Saturday, February 06, 2010
never been anywhere else
"The acceptance of the reality that we are in the Lord's loving hands is only a recognition that we have never really been anywhere else." — Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Friday, February 05, 2010
beautful to Him
This post is for Hollie my neighbor. When I first met her I had a feeling we had met before. I am taken away by how strong and real she is. She wrote this post on her blog today and it really made me think about my own life and how far I have come with the help of the Atonement and counseling. Yes, counseling. My greatest gift I have ever received was seeing a counselor at BYU-Idaho. It took about 2 years of seeing him and attending his classes for the self compassion light bulb to turn on. I never understood that it was self contempt that was prohibiting my relationship with self and God to flourish like it should. I am not even embarrassed to say that because this misunderstood trial I dealt with for so many years has become one of my greatest blessings. I treasure it like gold. This trial introduced me to Christ on a more personal level. Like gold I'm telling you...
written below was my comment on Hollie's blog...and then I realized that I was writing way too much- not that there are any "comment length rules" but I figured I would just blog it instead...
oh to be like Marjorie...this quote teaches me what real beauty is...
But honestly this pregnancy has been something else. I have gained weight in all the wrong places. I feel so incredibly unattractive. I wish I could just hideaway for a year until I feel somewhat normal again....but I know Satan is working on me- He is telling me that I should hide and be ashamed of who I am...and how big my butt and thighs are getting...and the double chin...and the fly away arms- maybe in Heavenly Father's eyes I am beautiful just the way I am. I am carrying a baby for heaven's sakes. I have to be beautiful just for doing that.
I have dealt with self image problems in the past. I was lucky enough to go to an amazing counselor at BYU-Idaho and through a series of 2 hard years of figuring out what the atonement meant for me...I started to climb out of the self hatred state I was in. I finally truly felt that Heavenly Father loved me for all my faults, for all the things I never accomplished, for my evil side, for my laziness, for my bad decisions, and also for the good in me, my talents, my gifts,- he LOVED all of me. The whole April package. good and bad. I always thought I had to prove something or be someone important to the world to be accepted and loved by God and by those around me.
I thought I had to be a size 6, straight A student, super testimony girl, super talented, super duper everything. I knew I wasn't always super duper and that I came up short a lot and so I hated myself for it. I hated my weaknesses, I hated myself. I couldn't be happy unless I was proving something, being nice, being the best athlete- looking the best. I ended up having control issues and unhealthy addictions. Plus the world feeds us these feelings all the time- we are told by teachers, coaches, media, and sometimes parents that only those who are successful get the praise and honor in the world...which sadly we have learned to want and desire so we feel good about ourselves. I have some stories from my life, especially when I was a little girl, that prove me seeking praise and honor for acceptance. It starts when we are little ones...
But it was a break through moment for me when I finally felt what I always knew...I was a child of God, full of weakness, yet a child of God. I was beautiful to God. I believe it now. Still have issues every now and then- pregnancy is a battle...but all in all I am an entirely different person- Christ healed my thoughts.
So Hollie, you are loved. Even if you feel you haven't been the best wife and mother- who cares- you are loved perfectly by Heavenly Father. Who cares if you know you can do better- you are loved and beautiful right now in your life. We all can do better. But God's love never changes.
You will not like yourself more if you accomplish more. You will like yourself more when you begin to like yourself more, when you take your intellectual knowledge of being a child of God and turn it into a spiritual knowledge...you will truly love yourself, because God loves you.
We all want to identify with something to make us feel special. We want the perfect face, we want to play an instrument flawlessly, we want the perfect home, we want to have perfect finances, perfect bodies, perfect whatever, we want to be noticed for something...God just wants us to identify with Him.
Not saying wanting any of these things is bad- because it's not...but...
We are all searching for God and we just don't know it-. yet we go searching outside ourselves and far from God just to feel better about ourselves. In our search for fulfillment in life we do all we can to fill a hole only Christ can fill. Everyone on earth is a child of God, so we are all searching for Him whether we know it or not, whether we believe in God or not- everyone has a hole for Christ to fill, even those who don't believe in God, they are still His children. The desire to feel whole, no matter what it is we say we're searching for, is ultimately the search to know our divinity, to know the Father.
I truly believe God would rather have an imperfect fallen person seek after him than someone who fulfills their "God" need through something else...
I have learned to call upon God and trust His love...I have had many prayers where I have repented for being nasty to my family or nasty to myself- and instead of feeling down and miserable for my actions, I feel a sense of hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Prayer has been a key for me to break through the bad days.
I love you Hollie. I know more of us women are feeling this way. But honestly, who cares what you have and or haven't accomplished by 30. You have three beautiful children, you are active in the church, you are an amazing friend, great Young Women's leader, you are trying to improve yourself- God is happy with who you are...I don't think He has a check list up in Heaven that he is marking off when you do something good or bad- He just loves you. He knows your heart. Compassion for self is one the best ways we can show gratitude to God for all He has done for us. Compassion for self is liberating. Pray for it. It will come and with time you won't feel so much guilt, you will laugh at bad days, you will have more patience, you will feel more beautiful, you will have more compassion for others who are going through the same thing...and you will notice God's help more as you desire to better yourself.
I think far too often we try to better ourselves without God...it's like we think we have to be better then we are to be worthy in God's eyes. oh so not true. I used to think on a subconscious level God was upset with me and that he was disappointed in me...I didn't feel I was worthy of his love until I solved and figured things out in my life first. I then came to realize that Christ is the Physician, here to heal the sick, here for me- and if I wasn't "sick" or not going through a hard time in life, why would I ever need Him? I hope we all have several times if not many many times in our life when we really need Christ. I need him every day. How sad if we are too busy "doing good and accomplishing wonderful things" to never need Him.
Hang in there Hollie. I understand completely. It takes some shifts in thinking to truly understand what will make us happy. Again, I believe the world wants us to accomplish something great to feel of worth. And yet, God tells us we are of worth from the beginning...and with this knowledge and testimony of His love, we then accomplish whatever it is He has planned for us...not the other way around...and that will make us happy. The atonement can make us better wives and mothers or whatever righteous desire we wish to improve- but if we don't truly believe and love our own divinity, how can we fully have faith in the Atonement?- and how can we ever become more like Christ? How can we change?
It is all a process, a healing process...trust me, I know. Still in the process...I think I will be in it until I die...but I feel it to be a good thing, right?
written below was my comment on Hollie's blog...and then I realized that I was writing way too much- not that there are any "comment length rules" but I figured I would just blog it instead...
Hollie Hollie Hollie
first of all thank you for being honest...we all need to read posts like this once in a while to get us out of the fairy tale land we create so we don't dwell on how life can stink from time to time. But frankly it does sometimes...
I agree with your friends...you are a very beautiful person...and uneven skin tone? Are you kidding? You have beautiful skin. All olive wrinkle free...goodness.
and for the record I have several moles on my face...one in particular that is rather large on my chin...ju ju is always picking at it. I have another one on the side of my face that grows weekly I swear. oh what to do???
Beauty is an illusion. It's thousands and thousands of ideas people have created over the years through many cultures and eras of time. What is pretty now was considered malnutritioned in the dark ages- the plumpy girls were the attractive ones- Women used to paint their faces white- because fair skin was considered to be the most desired- now we all want to be tan...because right now in this time of history that is what the world tells us is beautiful. The outward beauty is man's interpretation, not God's. Do not trust in the arm of flesh, it will always let you down. Girls are getting plastic surgery left and right only because of an illusion of what the world thinks is attractive- a close friend of mine who just got a boob job and a tummy tuck told me her decision for the surgery kind of lies in our desire to seek perfection. I was really confused. Who said perfect boobs and a flat tummy is perfect? God? I don't think He cares at all. Hollywood maybe. I think if boobs are saggy and shriveled up from nursing babies and stomachs become stretched out from bearing children...than that might just be perfect in God's eyes for our time here on earth...although it's hard to see that...perfect boobs and a flat tummy would be nice...but perfect? We have convinced ourselves that is perfect...and I think we might have it all wrong.
It is all an illusion. People chase illusions to feel better about themselves. God is not an illusion. One of the only things that never change through time- only our idea of him, but He never changes.
Hollie, I have made some similar comments lately like what you have shared. I know on a deeper level that I am beautiful but it's hard to always feel so. I know certain people who glow with beauty but are maybe not "beautiful" in the world's standards...I always think of Marjorie Hinckley at the end of her life- If I end up looking like her but it meant I lived a life like her then it would be all worth it. I can't think of a more beautiful person than her.
"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley
oh to be like Marjorie...this quote teaches me what real beauty is...
But honestly this pregnancy has been something else. I have gained weight in all the wrong places. I feel so incredibly unattractive. I wish I could just hideaway for a year until I feel somewhat normal again....but I know Satan is working on me- He is telling me that I should hide and be ashamed of who I am...and how big my butt and thighs are getting...and the double chin...and the fly away arms- maybe in Heavenly Father's eyes I am beautiful just the way I am. I am carrying a baby for heaven's sakes. I have to be beautiful just for doing that.
I have dealt with self image problems in the past. I was lucky enough to go to an amazing counselor at BYU-Idaho and through a series of 2 hard years of figuring out what the atonement meant for me...I started to climb out of the self hatred state I was in. I finally truly felt that Heavenly Father loved me for all my faults, for all the things I never accomplished, for my evil side, for my laziness, for my bad decisions, and also for the good in me, my talents, my gifts,- he LOVED all of me. The whole April package. good and bad. I always thought I had to prove something or be someone important to the world to be accepted and loved by God and by those around me.
I thought I had to be a size 6, straight A student, super testimony girl, super talented, super duper everything. I knew I wasn't always super duper and that I came up short a lot and so I hated myself for it. I hated my weaknesses, I hated myself. I couldn't be happy unless I was proving something, being nice, being the best athlete- looking the best. I ended up having control issues and unhealthy addictions. Plus the world feeds us these feelings all the time- we are told by teachers, coaches, media, and sometimes parents that only those who are successful get the praise and honor in the world...which sadly we have learned to want and desire so we feel good about ourselves. I have some stories from my life, especially when I was a little girl, that prove me seeking praise and honor for acceptance. It starts when we are little ones...
But it was a break through moment for me when I finally felt what I always knew...I was a child of God, full of weakness, yet a child of God. I was beautiful to God. I believe it now. Still have issues every now and then- pregnancy is a battle...but all in all I am an entirely different person- Christ healed my thoughts.
So Hollie, you are loved. Even if you feel you haven't been the best wife and mother- who cares- you are loved perfectly by Heavenly Father. Who cares if you know you can do better- you are loved and beautiful right now in your life. We all can do better. But God's love never changes.
You will not like yourself more if you accomplish more. You will like yourself more when you begin to like yourself more, when you take your intellectual knowledge of being a child of God and turn it into a spiritual knowledge...you will truly love yourself, because God loves you.
We all want to identify with something to make us feel special. We want the perfect face, we want to play an instrument flawlessly, we want the perfect home, we want to have perfect finances, perfect bodies, perfect whatever, we want to be noticed for something...God just wants us to identify with Him.
Not saying wanting any of these things is bad- because it's not...but...
We are all searching for God and we just don't know it-. yet we go searching outside ourselves and far from God just to feel better about ourselves. In our search for fulfillment in life we do all we can to fill a hole only Christ can fill. Everyone on earth is a child of God, so we are all searching for Him whether we know it or not, whether we believe in God or not- everyone has a hole for Christ to fill, even those who don't believe in God, they are still His children. The desire to feel whole, no matter what it is we say we're searching for, is ultimately the search to know our divinity, to know the Father.
I truly believe God would rather have an imperfect fallen person seek after him than someone who fulfills their "God" need through something else...
I have learned to call upon God and trust His love...I have had many prayers where I have repented for being nasty to my family or nasty to myself- and instead of feeling down and miserable for my actions, I feel a sense of hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Prayer has been a key for me to break through the bad days.
I love you Hollie. I know more of us women are feeling this way. But honestly, who cares what you have and or haven't accomplished by 30. You have three beautiful children, you are active in the church, you are an amazing friend, great Young Women's leader, you are trying to improve yourself- God is happy with who you are...I don't think He has a check list up in Heaven that he is marking off when you do something good or bad- He just loves you. He knows your heart. Compassion for self is one the best ways we can show gratitude to God for all He has done for us. Compassion for self is liberating. Pray for it. It will come and with time you won't feel so much guilt, you will laugh at bad days, you will have more patience, you will feel more beautiful, you will have more compassion for others who are going through the same thing...and you will notice God's help more as you desire to better yourself.
I think far too often we try to better ourselves without God...it's like we think we have to be better then we are to be worthy in God's eyes. oh so not true. I used to think on a subconscious level God was upset with me and that he was disappointed in me...I didn't feel I was worthy of his love until I solved and figured things out in my life first. I then came to realize that Christ is the Physician, here to heal the sick, here for me- and if I wasn't "sick" or not going through a hard time in life, why would I ever need Him? I hope we all have several times if not many many times in our life when we really need Christ. I need him every day. How sad if we are too busy "doing good and accomplishing wonderful things" to never need Him.
Hang in there Hollie. I understand completely. It takes some shifts in thinking to truly understand what will make us happy. Again, I believe the world wants us to accomplish something great to feel of worth. And yet, God tells us we are of worth from the beginning...and with this knowledge and testimony of His love, we then accomplish whatever it is He has planned for us...not the other way around...and that will make us happy. The atonement can make us better wives and mothers or whatever righteous desire we wish to improve- but if we don't truly believe and love our own divinity, how can we fully have faith in the Atonement?- and how can we ever become more like Christ? How can we change?
It is all a process, a healing process...trust me, I know. Still in the process...I think I will be in it until I die...but I feel it to be a good thing, right?
Thursday, February 04, 2010
the blogging world
The blogging world is a weird world isn't it? Entertaining to say the least.
There are different kind of bloggers out there.
There are the: family scrapbook blogs (my nickname for them): picture after picture with commentaries written here and there of all the wonderful amazing things happening in life...these blogs happen to be a favorite of mine to look at, especially if they are my family and my close friends. I love to see what people are doing with their lives.
There are the: opinion life sharing descriptive blogs where writers come to their blog for their few paragraphs of daily release. These blogs have fewer pictures than the scrapbook blogs, but it's nice to actually read feelings once in a while. Pictures just don't delve into a person like words do. These kind of blogs are a favorite of mine too, especially if they are from dear friends and family. These tend to be funny too sometimes...a plus for me.
My blog kind of lies in the middle of the two blogs mentioned above. I started to blog for family and friends since I lived so far far away from them- and writing is a release for me.
There are the: money making blogs where the side bars of the blog are chuck full of advertising. These blogs usually speak to a certain audience- crafters, cooks, couponers, home decorators, scrapbookers. I dejunked my Reader the other day and got rid of 15 or so of these blogs- they were just posting too often for my sanity. I love their ideas but I love more to have less insignificant blogs to read.
There are the: giveaway blogs where the blogger is giving something away free almost every day it seems. The blogger advertises a product for a company. The company in return sends 2 of the same product to the blogger. The blogger then gives away one in a contest on their blog and keeps the other. These blogs frustrate me and I have unsubscribed to most of them unless I know the blogger personally. I never win the contests- probably because I never do all I can to increase my chances of winning. I don't want to advertise "giveaway blogs" on my blog...or on facebook...or tweeting (I don't tweet)...all the different ways to get more entries. No thank you.
There are the: follow my life story blogs like Nie Nie where you can't help to want to know what that woman is doing every minute of her life due to her life events...I enjoy these blogs...I love how she complains and makes her situation more real. I have come across other tragic stories turned into successful blogs and they are just plain addicting. Reality blogging. addicting.
Blogging mistakes:
A while ago I shared on my blog my not so good Thanksgiving experience. I don't regret what I said because it was true and my feelings were hurt... and I was ready to share my feelings with this person...but I think this person read my blog first...and I think that is why this person hasn't talked to me since... maybe that was a blogging mistake??? I never mentioned the person's name on the blog... I was just shocked how we were treated...and I wanted to share my crazy Thanksgiving day with others...I care about my relationship with this person...so blogging gone bad??? oh probably.
Kind of weird how communication has changed for the better and worse as time goes by. We can just sit inside our house and talk to the world without really talking to anyone face to face. Sometimes it's nice and fast...sometimes it's lonely.
But all in all I like blogs...I have had the chance to really get to know people through their blogs...well those who are honest and true anyway...I have read some blogs and I have to question, "are they really this positive ALL the time?" But sometimes the only chance I get to see and talk to people from my church is on Sunday, so it's nice to read up on what those people have to say on their blogs.
I would say there are more women bloggers than men? What do you think? Women will go to all measures to communicate...LOL. Nothing will stop us. Since we don't talk over the fence to the neighbor as much as we used to in times gone by, we now blog. Whatever it takes.
I prefer the fence.
I prefer phone calls.
But one day my blog will be so fun to read...so it's sort of a public journal- weak journaling I would call it...but fun. At least I find it a great way to stay in touch with friends and family.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
mommyhood
I like potty teaching.
A lot of moms do not. Emily from church said her Hell would be potty training for eternity.
I sort of like the challenge. It gets me kind of excited. I think I am good at it.
"Let's hear the poop plop Ju Ju! Let's hear the plop! Music to my ears! I love seeing your poop and pee in the toilet!"
But I am horrible at other "mother" things. I can't let a baby cry at night. My babies are not the best sleepers because of it. I can't seem to wing Ju-Ju from the Binki. She just loves that thing so much at night time...I don't have the heart yet to give it to the Binki Fairy just yet. I am weak...and lazy. I love how nicely she goes to sleep every night with it...
But potty teaching I have handled pretty well so far. I have some great techniques that I think work well. 2 for 2. I think it is all about the preparation and persistence that seems to make it a good experience. But I have heard boys can be a nightmare to potty teach. I may just hate potty training if I ever have a boy.
Julia has been diaper free for 2 weeks now. She is a little champ. She had to be pushed a little at first and then she decided all on her own one day she didn't want to wear diapers. That made it easy! Maybe I shouldn't take any credit for her...but again she was a horrible baby so maybe mercy is kicking in.
I've been practicing my song on the piano...slow moving but coming along. I can't seem to play the top hand and bottom hand together very well...that could be a problem- but it will come...oh what a beautiful song.
Julia was wide awake in her crib when I got home from the club last night. She heard me walk in and she yelled, "Mommy yrrrr home!" We stayed up until 11 just talking and singing every disney song. She always asks me to sing for her. She slept with us and when I woke up later, Kenzie was in bed with us too! LOL...oh dear. Including my abnormally premature big belly that is 5 on a queen bed. For some reason I wasn't all too bugged...because normally I would be. But it felt good to be together for about 10 minutes...and then I got bugged...the "togetherness" didn't last long but it was nice while it did.
...had an ultrasound the other day...I finally decided to go to the doctor. I have an amazing midwife who I already love. Mother of 7. She will be perfect for the birth...
so the ultrasound was amazing and made these past 3 months of hell so so worth it. There the baby was- swimming around alive big and healthy- the girls were with me and they sat so still and intrigued as they watched the TV screen. My midwife says that it is 95% BOY! ...she was pretty sure she saw "boyhood" but the umbilical cord was sitting close...Chay later said, "it was not an umbilical cord."
grateful to be a mommy today...
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