when pain is beautiful

 How do I even begin to write about everything happening in our lives right now. It's just been a constant roller coaster of emotions and changes ever since Covid hit the world in Spring of this year. 

But today October 18, 2020 Chay was released from being the Bishop of the Washington Terrace 2nd ward. I can barely write it without welling up with tears. oops- there it is. Big tears. So many emotions and feelings. 

So we moved from our beloved Terrace home in July. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done- same with the family- and again being in church today and watching my husband conduct for the last time and seeing him with that special mantle was hard to let go of. It is true- the harder you love the harder you hurt and somehow the pain is beautiful and sorrowful. The only way I can wrap this up and have it make sense to me- is that when we give it our all, we love with our whole heart, we sacrifice and put greater things before ourselves and then we have to sometimes say goodbye because it's our time- those feelings- is the ultimate life experience. It's like we see a quick glimpse of what God really wants us to be learning and feeling here on earth. As a family we decided to put so many things on hold as we served God and the people of the 2nd ward for 4 1//2 years. And even though it was hard, discouraging, and tiresome at times- it made our life story meaningful- full of purpose beyond anything we could have achieved materialistically, monetarily.

As we drove away from the chapel for the last time today our eyes filled with tears. What were we feeling? Sadness? yes. Was it kind of like a death? Yes. But it was also tears of gratitude for the experience no matter how painful it was. I know leaving the actual ward and neighborhood made it so much harder- but I couldn't help but feeling enveloped with all these life experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world. Of course we couldn't live forever in the Terrace and of course we couldn't be bishop forever- all these things must come to an end, but we loved and went 100% and because of that, the hurt was more intense yet more fulfilling. 

We talked on the way home about how feeling this way makes us feel alive and that we are so grateful for all the experiences. I even brought up the fact that Kenzie will be leaving the house in 3 1/2 years and how nothing can stop that pain from happening and even though it will be so so hard to let our first baby go and everyone's big sister, we must be grateful for all the magic that has happened in our home over the past years and be grateful for her life. Be happy that she is moving on and becoming an adult- as much as we would like to have her stay home forever- we really don't want her to stay- because she needs to keep growing- We were all in tears as a family as we talked about Kenzie leaving the home. But it was a healthy needed cry and our love for one another solidified. It was a treasured moment that would never happen unless we were feeling the pain and sorrow of leaving the ward and saying goodbye to Dad being the Bishop. 

I was so in love with Chay today and I could feel his heavy heart. I just love the man that he is. What an amazing person I married. Such a good person with a beautiful testimony. He is such an obedient man who loves the Lord. I want to go through life's trials by his side. He was a remarkable bishop who quietly served. His testimony was often shared through his actions. Many of the ward members never saw his long hours outside church where he was helping someone in need. He was kind and he let people lead. He trusted people's capabilities and their stewardship over their callings. Without looking for praise or attention he continued to show up and serve others.              

Just do it anyway

Early October 2020 

 Last night was family home evening. It was chaotic and everyone was in a bad mood. It was a day of making sure everyone was happy or taken care of at least. Laundry, car rides, dinner. My whole life is devoted to someone else- everyone else. And it is hurtful when the kids are mouthy and disobedient and it make me sad inside- and feel fully under appreciated. But regardless of feeling helpless at times not really knowing if I am making any kind of impact on the family, I keep trying. I just do. Kenzie was supposed to teach the lesson but she decided to not be very kind to others which lead her not wanting to do the lesson. So I did it, again. But Julia volunteered to do the activity. She had us do all an origami cube and it turned out to be so good! Kenzie didn't leave and she stayed even though she was in a bad mood and at the end she was smiling. It all came together. So moral of the story, do what is right even if it's hard, and it will somehow work out. Just do it anyway. 

October 7, 2020 General conference was so powerful. By the end of 5 sessions I was bawling because I knew in my heart I was hearing truth and I felt so honored to the life I have been given. 

I love homeschooling Sam and Alice. It has been exactly as I hoped. TIME. A lot of TIME together. I just want to spend time with them and it's been exactly that. And Alice and Sam have been growing closer. I won't lie, not every day is perfect and they would probably be learning more at school but Sam is becoming a good reader and he knows I love him. He is not ignored or forgotten by the one (me) who loves him most which I'm sure he would feel at times when everyone is home- and when I have to run the older girls to their activities. 

Xander blew me kisses when he said goodbye to me the other day. And I melted. He is 10. Please don't grow up son. You are such a loving fun playful person. I don't want the world to taint you. You love to play games and make believe still. I love you Xander. Our neighbors have grandkids who like to come over and play. One of the boys is Xander's age but he's such a sporty tough boy and always wants Xander to throw a football with him. Alice likes to play with the young girl- her name is Areya. Xander wanted to play with Alice and Areya because they were playing some make-believe game and that is more like Xander. Xander suggested to Titan (his name is Titan) that they play with the girls and Titan was so confused and not having it- so he left and Xander got to have "real" fun. I love that story. Xander gives me a hard time about working and doing chores but he is really good at doing his afternoon chores besides dishes. He puts up quite the fuss with dishes. He acts like mold and the most contagious deathly disease is on the dishes and he just hates it so much. Sometimes I get weak as a mom and I don't have the strength to put up with his complaining. But Xander is such a wonderful person. Loves his family and loves his mom. For some reason Chay and him can argue a lot which proves how stubborn they both are and they play each other's game. I hope Chay and him grow a stronger relationship- I think they will. 

some September 2020 memories

September 20 One thing I love about my kids is that they are kind to adults and they usually always say thank you. I noticed the other day we left a friend's house and each and every one of them said loud and happily "good bye!" I loved that. 

Sunday I spent most of the day helping Chay write up a packet of instructions of how the ward will worship during this whole Covid thing. We no longer live in Washington Terrace but Chay is still the bishop and so we want to give it our all until the very end. It's been an interesting time for our family as we shuffle this hard move and with Chay being bishop. 

Later that evening we helped clean up branches of a dear friend who lives in the Terrace. Her name is Melisa Russel and her son Matt and Kenzie have been friends since they were 4. A horrible windstorm came through the Terrace and even though we moved away from our dear  home of 13 years, I cried for 5 days after I found out that the tree our kids grew up with had fallen down. So so sad. 

After that we went to the church and printed out 300 copies of a packet to give to all new and old ward members. The ward boundaries changed last week and so the ward inherited a bunch of new members. Kenzie, Julia, Chay, and I all sat and stapled the packets together. 

September 28 The mornings and night are brisk and another season is changing. The leaves are slowly starting to turn. Tonight I played basketball is with Sam for a little bit. He made a few baskets and I told him he was sooo good and he said to me "yeah, but I won't ever play in the olympics" 

Tonight around the table I asked everyone how they saw God's hand in their lives. Julia mentioned she is grateful for all the new friends she is making at junior high. Samson said he wanted to be nice so he gave his captain chair to Xander. It was so sweet to hear that. Alice said she wants more Pokemon cards. 

The girls played volleyball with a neighbor girl named Melanie. They played in the backyard of our next door neighbors. They have a large back yard with no trees. Kenzie likes to teach. She would be a good teacher. She really has a wonderful side to her where she earnestly wants people to succeed. Sunday night Kenzie and Julia played volleyball in the cul de sac. I loved looking out the window and seeing them play together. 

Alice told me I was the worst mother ever today in the car. We got home and about 20 minutes later she comes upstairs with full blown tears- telling me that she is so sorry. It was such a tender moment for her to humble herself and to feel bad for being hurtful. It made my heart melt. 

The house is full of chaos- all loud voices wanting to be heard. Little quarrels turning into big quarrels sometimes into full blown fights with mean words being exchanged. Julia and Kenzie have really become amazing young women- gorgeous and confident but man they can be beasts. It is always unpredictable when they are home- never quite sure what explosion is lurking around the corner.  I hope they read this when they are older and maybe feel a tiny bit of remorse for the heartache they caused from time to time. But I will always love them. I pray for them in my heart all day long. 

I have much to say about the covid corona whatever virus. But I don't want to right now. I just know I loved having my children all come home from school in March and it turned out to be really magical for our family A lot of playing outside. Our worlds didn't change all that much compared to some. I seemed more busy than ever and yet not so busy since everything stopped. 

September 29 Happy Birthday Mom! You left the earth 12 years ago dying right after your 59th birthday and right after my 29th birthday. 

This morning after I dropped off the kids at school, I came home and Sam and I got into my bed. He was cold and so we snuggled together. I am homeschooling Sam this year mainly because I wanted to spend more time with him. It has been so good for the most part. Together Sam and I read a book together and it was pretty much heaven being with him, hearing him read- then our cat Bruxa jumped on our bed and Sam said, "If you were a cat mom, you would be Bruxa" I asked him why and he said, "because she is so pretty" melted my heart. 

Sam the other day when he thought no one was listening "The first thing I'm going to buy as an adult is a pizza." 

When love is spoken here

 There's a million things to write about but for now I just want to write about how I felt when reading the scriptures with my family tonight. The kids were rowdy and barely listening but I came to a scripture about Jesus Christ and my heart started to pound and the tears just came unannounced. Now that's a fast way to get the kids to be quiet. "What's wrong with Mom?" But I knew in my heart the spirit was testifying to me that I had a strong witness of who Christ is and that he loves me. Those moments don't always come and I wondered if someone somewhere was praying for me because that wonderful feeling was a little undeserving as I have felt somewhat distant from God for awhile- just proves that we are never truly distant from God and He knew I needed this little moment to remind me of His love for me. I hope my children know of the love I have for my Savior. 

The kids have a hard time settling down for bed. Even though we have a home now where most of them have their own room, they refuse to move their mattress from the TV room. They all sleep together even if they are convinced they have the worst siblings on the planet- they still really love being together. Not wanting it to turn into an ugly night of yelling, I decided to pull up lyrics to the primary songs on my phone and sing to my kids. Sam was singing with me right up until he fell asleep. Alice told me in her little voice "Don't stop singing until my eyes close all the way". I sang until they were all asleep and Kenzie comes in and sings with me. It was a moment I want to definitely recreate. Right before I was done, I decided to sing a song I haven't sang for a long time. "Love is Spoken Here". It hit me right in the center and again I was filled with truth, love, gratitude- choking up I barely got through the song. Never doubt that everything happens for a reason- God sends his blessings and his love in different ways. Tonight it was in the form of scripture and song. Here are the lyrics to "Love is Spoken Here". #hearhim

I see my mother kneeling with our family each
Day.
I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to
Pray.
Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears,
And I am thankful love is spoken here.

Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by
The strength of priesthood pow'r,
With father and mother leading the way,
Teaching me how to trust and obey;
And the things they teach are crystal clear,
For love is spoken here.
I can often feel the Savior near
When love is spoken here.

Side note: Alice is determined to learn how to train a tiger. She asks me several times a day if we can get a baby tiger and train it. She is such a beautiful vibrant soul. She feels all emotions. Soo happy and can be soo mad. 

Grateful

April 15, 2017

Messy dark auburn hair with so much innocence. You can't help not to love Sammy.  He is almost always happy.walking around with a smile. In the morning his first words not matter what with a big hug "GOOD MORNING!!" It's the best way to wake up!

He will talk to everyone and anyone. He loves Cynthia our neighbor and will run fast and jump in her arms and say "Hi Cynthia!!"

The other day Sam and I laid out on the trampoline and looked up at the clouds. The air was brisk but it was sunny and so we snuggled together. He talked about something adorable- like always and he didn't move away from me. It was the highlight of my week. I feel so blessed to be Sam's mom. What a gift he is in my life.

He doesn't say "I don't know." He says "I can't know"

This morning he woke up with hiccups. He came into my room and said "Good Morning!!" and then he said "I got something in my throat- little coughs and chokes" I said, "Do you mean hiccups?" "yes, hiccups sheesh"

Today Chay got the pressure washer out and was cleaning everything he could. It was a sunny April day but not necessarily warm out. The kids begged to get wet and he hosed them all down. They loved it and giggled and screamed. I love how the world is turning green again and we can work outside- kids jumped on the trampoline and played on their play house- rode their bikes up and down the street- played some basketball. Sam would run over to Cynthia's to play in her backyard with Ethan. Just so much to be grateful for.

What

September 28, 2018

Wrote a letter to the family of a Sister missionary who served in our ward. She was a powerhouse and I was so impressed by her love for missionary work and her love for our ward. Sister Walker. What an amazing example to me and to my growing girls!

Wrote a letter to future Kenzie for her temple capsule she made at Young Women's. I bore my testimony of the temple. I look forward to the day to be in that special place with her.

Every day I take Samson early to afternoon kindergarten so he can play on the playground at school and also because we get to see Xander out at lunch recess. Xander loves it so much and so do I. How exciting for him to see his family in the middle of the day. When I pull into the school Xander immediately stops what he is doing and runs next to my car as I drive to the parking lot. He always gives Samson and Alice a big hug- and then me of course. He is so tender and sweet. I love moments like these. I treasure them.

Xander won an award for self-control today at school. September 28th. Not surprised. He holds up his award so high for everyone to see. 

Dear Diary

So for some reason, Chay decided to look up my blog the other day. So after a couple years of neglecting it, I decided to look at it. Wow! I have forgotten how much I used to love blogging and journaling. I loved what memories I have written and recorded and if I didn't know the author as well as I do, I think we could be best friends and kindred spirits. 😊

I think I went through a confusing journaling time in my life. Ever since I was small my mom pushed the importance of journal writing. I wasn't amazing at journaling, but I consistently wrote even if it wasn't every week. When I was about 26ish I started to blog. I had this blog before smart phones were a thing believe it or not. I continued to blog because I felt it was a great way to journal but then I thought it was weird that my blog was public and even though it was meant for me and my family, I loved writing and knowing dear friends and extended family were reading it. Then I questioned if I should just make it private and count it as my journal. I did have a few people tell me that some of my blog posts had answered some of their prayers. That was a shocker! Sometimes real life situations, vulnerability, sincerity, relying on the Lord, and faithfulness and the lack thereof sometimes- needs to be shared so others can read it and maybe somehow muster up the strength to keep going. But anyway now personal blogs are almost obsolete I believe- well people just aren't reading them anymore because of social media- facebook, instagram. Instagram has been my default attempt of journaling for the past several years which I love and hate at the same time for various reasons. Journaling with pictures is so so so fun to look at but I rarely dive deep into my feelings with such small captions on Instagram. I also have a real journal that I write in from time to time. So dear children and future generations- you might have to look at several venues of journaling to capture the whole picture of my life- and even then, I regret not doing a better job at recording this life of mine.

April 21-23rd 2017

I was thinking about this weekend and how I grateful for the life I have.

Thursday night Mckenzie had a soccer game at the beautiful Mt. Ogden Park. I am in love with this place. It sits right at the bottom of the mountains. It was cold so we attempted to watch the game inside the van. It was just me and the rest of the kids, so my patience was getting thin as everyone was climbing all over the car and being "kids" argumentative, hyper, curious, talkative. So out of the van we went. Despite the cold we enjoyed it very much. There are quite a few trees along the edge of the park that have low thick branches which make them a target for climbing kids. The rain clouds were indecisive so we would get a few sprinkles here and there and unexpected breakthroughs of warm sunlight. Julia knew right away what light and rain make- and we looked for her rainbow. And we found it- right up against the near mountain. It really was so magical. Alice was unsure as usual and so we had to go above and beyond to entertain her before she went into meltdown mode. I put her on my shoulders, swung her around, played peekaboo- all while Kenzie is playing. She scored a couple goals. She is so fast and aggressive. She keeps improving and is the highest scoring forward on her team. Sam made friends with one of the trees. He was talking up a storm with this tree. He has a huge imagination. He is known to leave the family and do his own thing. Julia practiced cartwheels. Xander climbed a big tree. I'm telling you- it was a great moment. These children of mine make me feel so alive and free.

Friday started out with the dreadful spelling bee. I keep telling my children that if they qualify for the spelling bee again, they will be grounded, and yet at least one of my children qualify every year. As much as I am a supporter of working hard and education, I loathe spelling bees. They just don't do it for me. The stress and the tears from every single contestant besides the winner is enough. Plus, we are all aware that intelligence does not lie in your ability to spell well, or memorize well.

Luckily Kenzie got out on her second round which of course caused some tears but after it fizzled out we were able to put that all behind us and enjoy the rest of the day. I know it was hard for her as it is for all the rest of the children who get out on spelling bees. I was kind and encouraging for the first hour and then I told her she needed to get over it. ha ha. Her past few weeks have been quite successful with her award from the newschannel, science fair, piano recital, soccer. The spelling bee just wasn't a priority and that is okay!

Saturday we woke up to beautiful sunshine. I was so happy to just be outside. I was motivated to get a million things done which never happens, but it's nice to dream. I took the girls down to the church to sew dolls with hospital gowns to give to children at the hospital when they have surgery. I got out my sewing machine which has been collecting dust in my basement for a few years and went to the church. I am not a master seamstress. I can sew a straight line- but I went so my girls can see Relief Society in action. I was there for the experience. The story of my life. It's all about the experience. It was fun to talk to other ladies in the ward.

Julia has been a little sad lately. She has a sister who loves to do everything and happens to be good at what she does. Julia isn't quite sure what she loves to do and is confused at what her "thing" might be. I asked her the other day what she wanted to do with her life and I was kind of joking but her eyes filled up with tears. It broke my heart. Well, on the way to the church Julia just randomly said outloud "Your mom hugged me last night" It took me off guard. "What do you mean she hugged you?" She quietly said, "I was praying last night to Heavenly Father to know what I should do and that I was really sad and I felt a warm hug around me, and I knew it was your mom, Grandma." I didn't know what to say, but my eyes did all the speaking because I started to tear-up. She told me when we only had a minute or so in the car. After the sewing activity, Kenzie and I went to the soccer game. I was sitting there on the chair thinking about what Julia just shared with me earlier that morning and I decided to send a text and share with my siblings what Julia had told me and then "Smack!" Kenzie, who was sitting out the first quarter (because we were late) was kicking the ball around on the sidelines and accidently kicked the ball right in the side of my face. It hurt so bad! My ear and head were ringing and my eye started to gush water. Kenzie felt horrible and I was just trying to keep my composure- I failed. I totally cried. ugh. She then told me, "I can't play anymore, I am going to think about how I hurt you the whole time" so I had to give her a pep talk and told her not to worry about me. She ended up scoring 3 goals and they won 5-0.

But Julia's experience about my mom hit my heart so hard. It would not leave my mind all day. It was such a thing my mom would do too. I loved it on so many levels. She was praying, she felt comfort, my mom loves my kids, we are connected to our ancestors, there is more- so much more than what this life has to offer and Julia was able to tune into that. For just a quick little moment. Faith. Oh the power of Faith.

Came home from the soccer game to find Julia and Chay working on a motorcycle. Kids playing in the backyard. Kids laughing- chasing one another. Showing each other what cool trick they can do on the trampoline. Riding bikes up and down the driveway. It's moments like these that make my whole life make sense.

Chay and I went to get more bark for our front yard. I am so proud of our front yard. Since we bought the home we have slowly done so many improvements to the house and the front yard with the new shutters we cut, painted, and mounted and the curbing, plants, and bark and it looks so nice. Simple but nice. We worked for a couple hours putting bark down. Virginia came out to talk to us. I love her as our sweet neighbor. She hasn't aged since we moved here 10 years ago. Cynthia and her boys played with us and Cynthia helped us with the bark. Working outside and doing physical hard work is my favorite.

Sunday we survived church and the sun was warm. We knew rain was coming so we gathered every blanket in the house and put it on the trampoline. The kids' faces when they saw the blankets! oh my. We laid in the warm sun and giggled with blankets everywhere. Static hair and smiles. But it only lasted a little while until someone got hurt, crying, wrestling began. Alice was super hyper and giggling at everyone. Pick-a-boo makes her giggle. Her little 22 month old body, soft skin, missing teeth smile, her spunky personality. Oh it's dreamy. I will miss this age. I will. I can treasure it all I can while I have it- and move on. Growing up is a part of the plan and I can't dwell on it forever.

You know, you would think watching your kids grow up is hard- and it is, but when you pour your whole heart, guts, and glory into loving your children and trying to raise them right- there isn't a lot of room for major regret. Kenzie is now 11 and as sweet as can be, and is a rock in our family. How lucky the rest of my kids have her to look up to. Julia is right behind her. Stalwart, funny, deep thinker Julia. Mckenzie knew I wasn't feeling well and I was going through a rough patch- she asked Chay to take her to the store- and with her own money bought me a bouquet of flowers. It was so touching. Yes, they can get older and they should, so they can continue to touch the lives of everyone around them. Raise kids right, raise them good, love them, discipline them, spend ample amounts of time with them, teach them to put God first before themselves- and they will learn to take flight with a solid foundation and then they too can hopefully bless the next generation with goodness. I can't think of a more powerful way to leave your mark in this world than to raise good children. It is NOT easy. But the joy of the sacrifice is overwhelming at times. Overwhelmingly joy will catch me off guard at times and the Spirit testifies to me that despite the trials and doubts, I am doing exactly what the Lord wants me to be doing and with that comes the peace.

Clark Power

Found The Clark Theme Song! 

LOVE LOVE LOVE these lyrics. 

Hey!

I'm not giving up today

There's nothing getting in my way

And if you knock knock me over

I will get back up again

If something goes a little wrong

Well you can go ahead and bring it on

'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again.

We don't listen to the voices that say we don't have a choice. That is a lie. It may take time, prayer, "educating our desires", patience, GRATITUDE, and obedience- but we have the power to "get back up again". 

Mentally train your brain and heart to say "It will all work out" and "it's going to be okay" 

and 

"If something goes wrong, well you can go ahead and bring it on!" no matter how hard and heart wrenching of a trial you might be going through. 

We don't have sad hard lives, we have sad bad moments. Just moments. Our weaknesses don't define us, they strengthen us. 

This too shall pass. 

Let us all press on. 

God has a plan for me. He wants me to grow and learn. I trust He knows exactly what He is doing with me. 

Do your best

Sadly Bill Cosby ended up being so disappointing- but I love love this parenting clip from The Cosby Show. So true!! Makes me laugh every time. Do your best! Work hard! Expecting great things out of your kids is not cruel, it's called parenting.

ChayLove

Dear Children,

I love your father so much. He is loyal, good, funny, caring, a hard worker, faithful, obedient, and kind. Yes he can raise his voice from time to time but hey, he at least has great expectations for his children! His love goes so deep. 

Your Dad cannot sit still and must be doing something at all times. He will watch a movie at night but if there is something that needs to be done, he will do it. He loves having productive days. 

Our friend and neighbor Sara Geary brought us over a dinner when I had my foot surgery and her glass 9X13 pan was heavily stained from a lot of cooking over the years. Dad cleaned the pan but couldn't get the grease and burn stains off of it. It bothered him that he couldn't get the pan perfectly clean. He scrubbed and scrubbed. I told him to not worry about it but before I knew it, he was on google trying to find out  how to get the burned stains off. He then went to the store and bought oven cleaner. He spent so much time on this pan!! LOL! and guess what! He got that pan sparkling crystal clean. It looked brand new. That is my ChayLove. How lucky for you to be raised in home by such an awesome father. He is an amazing example. I love him. 

Yours Truly, 

Mother

oh and here is a letter he snuck in my shoes. I get up at 5 am to exercise and I was surprised to see this when I woke up. 

The Savior understands me.

Winter 2015

It has been snowing so gloriously. The kids played in the snow yesterday. I was in a bad mood all morning but once we finally got all the kids dressed with their boots and their gloves- hats and coats zipped and we got outside- it was so therapeutic to be in the crisp air. I shoveled my driveway and Cynthia came over to help. Then we did hers. The kids made a snowman in Cynthia's backyard and then one in the front. Mckenzie was so proud of them. She is so kind and patient. She is 10 now. Sad sad. but she is such a young 10 so I will take it. She is free, kind, innocent, and loving. She did however get my wrath a little bit earlier that day because she forgot her snow boots at school for the entire Christmas break.  She is very forgetful and I need to just have more patience as she tries to get better at remembering things. Hopefully with time it will all come together. She just likes to have fun and play and so she forgets about everything else besides the very moment she is in. Truth be told, she is adorable and such an amazing daughter and sister. I have to pinch myself sometimes when I am with her, she is too good to be true. She will eventually start to remember things. She's amazing.

Back to the snow. It has been a huge blessing to see so much moisture. I kind of get emotional. We have been praying for snow. Utah is in a drought.

Gary our neighbor got the snowblower up and going and he was drenching the kids with snow. Julia loved and it laughed so hard. Pure happiness right there.

Julia's baptism and life in 2015

Alice is cute. She smiles often. She kind of does her own thing. I would call her independent I think. She rarely enjoys being held in but loves to be held out to look around. No, she isn't super cuddly. But she is so darling. Every now and then she will give me her version of love. She will coo and make cute noises as she sucks on my cheek. Chay has been enjoying her so much. I love playing with Alice and grabbing her chubby legs and doing everything I possibly can to get a giggle out of her. Lately she has been lying on her back playing with her toes. I am in heaven. I am living the dream. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, I have a wonderful husband and little children. I love that my house is filled with little noises, little feet, little giggles. Is it hard somedays? You better believe it. But I can't express enough how lucky I am. So blessed.

Samson fell asleep on my lap today during church. His mouth was open and he sort of snored with his deep breaths. I cherished it to be honest. Right now in his life he loves his pirate ship Bucky. He also holds a little stuffed cat named Leona.

I know these days will pass before I know it. I want my children to know, that even though there have been hard days, I never wanted it to go fast. I never wished away their childhood so I could do something for myself. I know right now that I am doing the most important most fulfilling thing I could possibly do with my life. I am not perfect at it and I wish I could enjoy keeping the house clean but I love my children and I love spending time with them.

Xander and I went for a walk one snowy morning when everyone was asleep. It was really quiet outside. We had a heavy bag of clothes to give to our neighbor friend, Maria. It was just one of those moments that I don't want to forget. That is why I am writing it down. Hand in hand we walked as we talked.

Whenever I drop Xander off at Bravo for Kindergarten he says goodbye and I love you over and over again. We keep saying it to each other until I am no longer in his eyesight. It makes my heart skip a beat every single day. "I love you Mommy! I love you. Goodbye. Bye Mom. I love you Mommy." "I love you too Xander. I will see you real soon. Bye. I love you."  Oh my sweet Xander. His Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Hansen adores him too. Xander is mild tempered and quiet. He likes to help out and clean the classroom so he quickly caught the love of his teacher. He is coming home almost daily with prizes for good choices. Helping clean up when no one else was listening, for being kind and respectful. He has a huge heart for a 5 year old. He makes me so proud.

What I want to write about: Julia's baptism, Christmas

Julia turned 8 this year right after Alice was born. She is spunky, witty, smart. She is brutally honest at times and I'm trying to teach her some tact but she is seriously so fun to be around. I love the way she thinks. Her birthday was sort of a blur because I was trying to recuperate after Alice's birth. Her baptism was special and simple. She was so excited. What I remember the most was how Kenzie kept her arm around her when they sat in the chapel before the baptism. Kenzie was her cheerleader. I remember how organized Julia was and how she made sure she packed everything she needed without my help. She was beaming all over the place. She knew in her heart that she was doing the right thing. I remember Chay getting emotional when he was blessing her and giving her the gift of the Holy Ghost. After the baptism we blessed Alice. It was a memorable mom day to see her children basked in so much goodness, righteousness, and light. I live such a beautiful meaningful life. I love you Julia Kaye. You're so observative. Your soft ivory skin and thick dark dark hair.

Julia loves the snow! We want to get her into snowboarding. She will come home from school and we will all run into the home to get warm and she will stay outside and walk through the front and backyard playing around in the snow. Julia loves to play. She is eight but still loves toys 3 and 4 year olds play with. She has a wild imagination and can play by herself with her legos or with for hours with Xander.

The other day the 3 of them Kenzie, Julia, and Xander were making up some story and they just talked about this story and what was happening and what each character did. They wouldn't stop talking about it and they were laughing when someone changed the story line or came up with a problem that needed to be solved. They were so invested in this type of imaginary play that Chay and I couldn't get them to be quiet. They talked the entire time during dinner. Chay and I said to each other that we could leave the house for an hour and they wouldn't even notice.

We have now lived in our little home for 9 years. We call it the Clark Cottage sometimes. We thought we wouldn't live here long when we first bought it but it quickly became home. Chay only made $14 dollars an hour when we first moved here and I didn't work because I was a mother. We now love our neighborhood and our little house payment. I know we could afford a bigger home but we are at a weird crossroad in our lives. Chay's next step in his career could take us anywhere and so we don't want to buy yet because we don't know where we're going!  We thought we were going to Idaho Falls last year but as a final candidate, the hospital decided to go with someone else for the director position. The guy was 20 years older than Chay. Then again another opportunity in Bountiful. Chay had all the powerful references, the experience, the know-how, the great interview- and they decided not to hire Chay. It was a slap in the face but we somehow knew that if something that should have been 100% his but he still didn't get it, it must mean we weren't supposed to be at that hospital. Where do we belong?? Where is the Clark Family supposed to settle? Where is that perfect job for Chay?? Is it here in Utah?? We question yet we trust God is and will always take care of us. I really wish I could live closer to my family. And this cute little house really drives me crazy some days. It is small and we are getting tight. It still needs a lot of work. I'm not too excited about the area and Kenzie and Julia growing up in a ward that doesn't have a strong youth program. I also want my kids to have best friends and a strong church unity and my kids don't have any close friends yet. Where are we supposed to go?? I will tell you, I love love my neighbor and friend, Cynthia. She will be the hardest to leave. I thank Heavenly Father often for her. I came to this place to meet her.

With God anything is possible. He takes any situation and circumstance and makes it meaningful and purposeful- we just have to have enough faith to see what He has planned for us.

Alice was blessed on the same day as Julia's baptism. Grateful Chay was able to administer to them both. Oh the love I have for my dear family- my children. Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me this life and for trusting me with these beautiful souls.


( Shortly after this post was written Chay was asked by our Stake President to be the bishop of our ward. This is why Chay couldn't get the jobs he was qualified for and why we couldn't figure out if we should move or not. After 6 months of being Bishop, Chay was offered the HR director job at Ogden Regional- the hospital only 3 minutes from our house. The Lord is knew exactly what He was doing with us. )

January-Feb 2016

Okay so Alice has the biggest warmest smile on the planet. We love love love her. She is starting to get curious with her hands and rolling over on her stomach. She is beautiful and we are all so in love with her. Xander is smitten by her and treats her with love and lots of kisses.

We have been getting so much snow this winter!! such a blessing to dry drought stricken Utah. Julia and I went on our own Sunday walk this morning just the two of us. She loves snow. We put on our snow boots and together we walked NOT on the shoveled sidewalks but on the high banks of snow piles created by snowblowers and shovelers. It was such a workout. It was so fun. Then we walked to the grassy hill that isn't so grassy. At least 2-3 feet of snow. We played tag in the tennis courts. Julia leaped over the tennis net and then fell right into the snow. She was freezing but laughing. I then put her hands into my coat sleeves to warm her up and we giggled most of the way home. It was perfect. I felt like a kid again- playing in the snow with her. A memory I don't want to forget.

Xander and I made muffins together yesterday. We wanted to surprise the girls with an afternoon snack. He also had a substitute the other day for Bravo Kindergarten. As I picked up Xander from the classroom, the substitute pulled me aside and told me that Xander is the kindest most sweetest boy. She said the kids were extra rowdy and naughty today because she wasn't their real teacher but Xander was obedient and quiet the entire time. The next day Xander's real teacher said that the substitute even wrote in her text how wonderful Xander was.

Kenzie taught Family Home Evening. She read the scripture in Romans 8:16  "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:" Then we talked about being daughters and sons of a Heavenly King. She had us all make crowns and then it just got funny. Mine turned out really weird and they were making jokes about it looking like Ramsey's hat on Prince of Egypt and I know- I know that reading this- it doesn't appear to be funny but it just was during the moment and everyone was laughing pretty hard. Kenzie also made baby Alice a crown and of course Chancho. Family is great. 

Chay and Kenzie have had the opportunity to spend some one on one time together these last couple months and it makes me so happy- and it makes Kenzie even happier. He took her ice skating- just the two of them. She loved loved it and still after several weeks later- is still talking about it. Chay also took her to Burley just the two of them to visit Grandpa Clark. She got to ride in Chay's truck. I wasn't there so maybe Chay should write about it, but I know it meant a lot to Mckenzie. 

I went to the school's art Festival on Friday. I don't know if I have something maybe wrong with me- but I swear my kids are nothing but perfect. Even with all their apparent weaknesses and insecurities, they are just the best. Julia was dressed as Elenore Rosevelt for her class presentation. She wore a fur coat and hat. She was excited the morning of- I put her hair in a bun and let her borrow some of my pearl necklaces. Kenzie and Julia sang so well with the choir. Kenzie is so happy and confident. She sings with a smile on her face. Julia, I can tell really loved the songs she was singing but was a little shy. Plus her fur scarf kept falling off. The art presentation was amazing- of course my girls had amazing art pieces. They both love to draw so much. I don't know why? I think it's because I have always had art supplies readily available. Always tin cans full of pencils, color crayons, paper, scissors- Kenzie and Julia are in art at Bravo. I know they both love it. 

Summer 2016

Last night Mckenzie, Xander, and I laid out in the back of Dad's truck while everyone else slept. It was close to 11 o'clock. It was the perfect night. The air was cool which is a little rare for Utah- it was all a little nostalgic to be honest. Laying under the stars on a summer night- reminded me of when I was younger and didn't have so much to worry about. Xander asked me if I have ever seen a shooting star before. "Yes! Many times!" I realized it has been awhile since I have actually star gazed. As a child we would sleep out on the trampoline with friends and watch the night sky as we talked- or at girls camp we would lay out on the beach and watch for shooting stars. I need to take Xander somewhere far from the city so he can see more stars. I downloaded the coolest app so we could point to the stars and see what their names were. We found Mars and Saturn too. Mckenzie and Xander were so excited. Perfect.

Summer 2016 has been absolutely wonderful so far. I love love having my kids home.

 Jumping on the trampoline with a sprinkler, popsicles, swimming, late nights riding bikes, playing basketball on the street, 4 wheel rides, Lagoon, Day Camp at camp Kiesel- everyday is exciting for my kids and that is why they are so enjoyable. They really do find joy in simple things and I'm so grateful for that. The Air show from the Air Force base was going on yesterday. I know we should have gone maybe but since we only live a few miles from the base, we were able to see quite a bit from our home. The kids didn't complain. Chay made a make-shift shade tent out of a tarp. We looked so ghetto- but the kids all watched the planes and ate their 102 popsicles.

The kids did swimming lessons and they loved them. Everyone but Samson and Alice of course. I take them to a beautiful pool downtown Ogden- it's close to the mountains. They have really improved with swimming. Julia even placed in her heat during the competition races. It was so exciting to see her swim. I mean really swim! Julia is turning into a brown beauty with her endless tan olive skin. Mckenzie and Xander are splashed with freckles and sunburn. But they are all adorable to me and have summer written all over them- late nights, messy hair, sandals, happy.

We have been potty training Samson this week. Sort of a nightmare sort of okay. He is pooping 65% of the time in the toilet. He still poops in his underwear sometimes which is the grossest thing on earth. Sometimes he tries to go to the toilet but doesn't make it. I of course show frustration and sometimes even yell. Sammy just looks at me and says "I'm sorry mommy and he starts to cry" It is so heartbreaking and I give him a big hug and say I'm sorry. Hopefully he will catch on. He seems to be taking longer than the other 3. Mckenzie has been the best helper with Sam. She has encouraged him to go in the toilet and she loves helping him. She really has a gift of helping others. She enjoys it. She could be a teacher or a nurse easily. Hopefully she is a mother first, of course. Sam is beyond adorable and he is full of words now. He talks and talks and with his sweet tiny voice- it is the best thing to hear. Sometimes I just place those perfect cheeks in my hand and just beg for the memory of him as a three year old to be embedded in my mind and heart forever.

I don't know how things will work but sometimes I hope we will have perfect memory of our children when they were little when we're in heaven. Doesn't that sound wonderful?

Although change of subject sort of- we did take Samson's tonsils out about a month ago and that was a living hell for about 8 days. He was MISERABLE. I lost it a few times because he refused to take the pain medicine because it hurt him to swallow it- but once the medicine was inside him, he felt better. Oh it was horrible. He cried many tears, couldn't sleep, and he hardly ate or drank anything. Luckily that is all gone and away and we made it through. The Clarks can make it through anything- with the Lord on our side, we are resilient and hopeful. Easier to say once it's over, but I'm practicing when I'm in the thick of it. I can take tonsil pain over other types of pain any day.

Chay has the kids tonight. He took them to the drive-in theatre to watch a movie. Alice would have cried the whole time, so I stayed home. I know they are so excited and happy right now. They love being in the back of Dad's truck and being with Daddy. Summer really is magical.

Today Julia had 3 cavities filled. Just her and I went to the dentist. I love being with her. She is so easy to talk to. She is real. funny. witty. smart. logical. but she is not relaxed when it comes to anything to do with change. She was starting to freak out about the dentist but I know she was loving alone time with me. I kept teasing her not to worry, the needle was only a foot long. It made her laugh. Julia acts grown up but she is still 8. Loves toys and loves to pretend still. She will love toys forever. She loves stuff. I bought her a shake afterwards for her numb mouth. Came home and Kenzie and Xander were cleaning the whole house. The kitchen was spotless. I asked where Sam was and Kenzie had put him to sleep!! Yes!! Clark Power! She helped him go potty, fed everyone, and took cake of Alice. Dang!! I love that!

He will take care of us

I live a beautiful life. I really do. It kind of makes my heart swell when I think about it. I feel so incredibly blessed.

This happiness I feel is so different. It is peaceful and protected. 

Can I say that it comes from sacrificing and putting the Lord first? Yes. Clearly. It is because of Him. All because of Him. 

Santa Christmas 2016

It is 3 AM and my little Ju Ju is sound asleep next to me with her soft pink blanket wrapped around her. Ever since she was a baby, she has slept with a silky blankie.

Last night was one the hardest mother nights I've had in a long time. We were getting out all the Christmas decorations and she found the letter she wrote to Santa last year on Christmas Eve. She stared at it for a long time and then said "This looks just like Dad's handwriting" I tried to ignore her but she kept asking about it over and over again. She was really concerned. I just said, "Hey, let's be quiet now, let's keep the magic of Christmas alive for the younger ones." I regret saying that a 100 times over.

Tears welled up and she walked around the house. She came up to me and asked if Santa was Dad. Xander was in the room and I just gave her a hug. All I said was, "Oh Ju Ju, I love you" Huge tears came to her eyes and she said in the sweetest most concerned voice "Don't tell me, don't tell me, I don't want to know, please tell he is real, Santa is real, I know it." And she began to cry really hard. So obviously I couldn't hold the emotion in. I felt like the magic of childhood was suddenly robbed from my little girl.

I have been crying off and on all night. It was the most heart wrenching experience. Julia continued to cry off and on the rest of the night- a soft cry with silent tears. She was heartbroken and so was I. I kept hugging her over and over again and told her, "In this house, no matter what, we believe in Santa." It helped her but we both knew it was over.

I never expected it to be so dramatic. Kenzie who is almost 11 has decided to keep it magical. She told me last year, "Mom, I don't want to stop believing in Santa, because when I do, the magic ends." And so Kenzie has made a decision to not dwell on it and has become almost oblivious to even the thought of him not being real.

Julia is very different. She is a deep thinker. Her world of faith in Santa just flipped upside down and it crushed her. Yet Julia is still very young at heart. She loves to imagine, pretend. She loves dress-up and talking to her dolls. She is 9 1/2. She is childhood.

Julia for the rest of the night started to connect the dots and she asked if it was me who bought her the art case Santa left her. She cried some more. She was seriously mourning and so was I.

I do not remember discovering the truth about Santa being so difficult. I have no memory of it at all. It must have been a healthy transition. Chay told me he discovered presents hidden in the closet when he was kid and that's how he found out.

I asked Julia if she wanted to sleep with me last night. We talked and held hands until we both fell asleep. I try so hard to not get sad about my kids growing up. I really do cherish most of my days as a mother of young children. I know I am living my very best days. I know that growing up is part of the plan and there is nothing I can do to stop time from passing- all I can do is make the best of the time I have. I have very few regrets as a mother because I know I have given it my all despite my many mistakes. But I will tell you, last night, as I held my little crushed 9 year old in my arms, as she discovered Santa wasn't real, brought the same tears as a mother seeing her child walk across the stage to receive their high school diploma. It hurts and stings to the chest. A part of childhood lost forever.

Here is a letter I read to Julia:

purpose

Xander told us tonight he wanted to serve a mission in Lego Land. That boy melts my heart. He is darling. He had to draw a picture in primary today of things he treasures. He drew a picture of me wearing green because green is my favorite color. He told me this in his sweet kind sincere voice. He is full of kisses and hugs.

The kids have been in bed for a couple hours. Went upstairs to check on things and all 4 of the kids were on the bottom full bunk sleeping sideways on the bed. The boys were fast asleep and Mckenzie and Julia were chatting away like best friends. It made me so happy. Everything about it.

I somehow am a mother of 5 children. My life unfolded into a mother- always knowing from the time I was young I would have children- but my life unfolded into this unexpected surrounding of love, little people, comfort, purpose.

Xander

The eyes-They say so much. little but big heart. So kind and gentle. Always thinking of others. The scar. Childhood. Boy.

Xander Chay melts my heart. His smile and tenderness.

Every morning without fail he always says "Do you want to hear my dream, Mom?" He loves to hug and give kisses. He is so gentle with Alice.

 According to his teacher he is obedient and respectful. Mrs. Hansen. She told me that Xander is always cleaning up and helping even though he's not asked. She wishes she could have a whole classroom of Xanders.

Xander at 5. He loves Alice, his big sisters, and singing. He loves to craft, draw, and color. He is tender and wants a lot of love and attention. He is classic for interrupting me when I'm talking to someone else- he just loves to tell me stories. He loves it when I play "Horsey Horsey go to town" with him. Oh how he giggles and laughs.

This picture was taken the first day of Kindergarten at Bravo. Everyday when I drop him off at his classroom door he tells me he loves me over and over. He waves and waves. "I love you Mom. See you soon Mom, I love you. Bye Mom." It's basically the best thing ever.

fall 2015

The beauty of fall never gets boring. My goodness. It takes my breath away. And I mean literally and not just figuratively. Or that wasn't meant to be rhetorical or a figure of speech- I mean I sometimes gasp, losing air-. Sucking in air and making a weird noise and not breathing for a quick second because the huge mountains are covered in fire red trees. There is mist hovering above a yellow meadow. Orange, red, yellow, green trees all mixed together- I swear, It makes quite the take-my-breath-away scene. I love it. I really do. I am a sucker for this time of the year.

I took the kids up to Snowbasin ski resort to see the colors of the trees. We met up with Tara and Niels and their cute family and Tiffani and Olivia. The colors weren't nearly as vibrant as they could be but it was still beautiful. I think we missed the colors by a couple weeks. The kids enjoyed hiking around a little until Kenzie tripped and fell and put a big hole in her knee. It was pretty gross. Luckily Uncle Neils had a first aid kit. Kenzie was pretty tough. I played around with the idea of stitches for the rest of the day but I am so sick of medical bills. The wound is healing pretty well and scabbing. I know for a fact my mom would never take me to get stitches in the 80's. We would just have an awesome scar and in fact I do- On my knee. I was 8 years old and I thought I could stand on the middle bar of my bicycle. Didn't succeed.

Our tree has dropped all our leaves and while for some this means an annoying extra chore to do in the fall, I look forward to it. The children have played and played in the big piles of leaves. They have raked them several times and just mess up the piles again. I love our big tree in our backyard. Thank you Heavenly Father for that big strong tree. The tire swing hanging from it's strong branches, the perfect shade it provides in the summer, the fun memories of jumping and playing in its leaves. Perfect. The other day I went out to help put some leaves in bags with the kids. The sun was barely starting to set. The air was crisp. The kids and I played for a long time. We sang and played Ring around the Rosie, London Bridges, Down by the Bay, Down by the banks. It was so fun to hear them giggle and have the time of their life. It was magical. I love spending time with my kids. I try so hard to do it as much as I can. It is a hard balance at trying to get things done around the house, taking care of myself, and spending time with the children. The Lord knows my heart and my good desires.

We have had many crisp cool nights where the kids will play until it's dark. Riding bikes and playing games on the lawn. Cynthia will bring her kids over and everyone will just live in the moment. Being a kid. No worries. Feeling safe, Feeling loved- and hardly a responsibility. oh dear.

Samson is darling and quirky. He kind of just does his own thing. Xander is calm, patient and says the cutest things. I need to remember what he says so I can write them down. He loves spending time with his sisters. Xander is very sensitive and tender. He feels so much for others for a 5 year old. He loves little Alice and sings to her all the time. Gives her kisses. He hurt her accidentally the other day and he cried because he felt so bad for her. So sweet. He is calm and easygoing. I love having him around. I don't want that little boy growing up. I love his soft ways.

The other day I was telling the Primary President, Sister Hall how awesome and kind Xander is. She was highlighting him in Primary and giving him a journal so I thought I had a little chance to brag, right? Sister Hall stopped me and said, "April, you say that about all your children." Ha ha. So I think the world of them. I'm proud to say the least.

We did our traditional "get our pumpkin" night at Black Island Farms. It was hard to wear Alice in the baby carrier and follow the kids around to all the outdoor fun stuff. Climbing huge haybales, the barrel tractor train, big slides, the pig races. I was dying I was so tired but the kids of course loved it. It was really the most perfect fall night. The air was cool but the sun was warm. At the end of the night we got onto the big trailer and the tractor pulled us to the pumpkin patch where we all got out and picked the perfect pumpkin. Kenzie finds hers fast, Julia and Xander are a little more picky, Sam finds the first small one he can carry. Luckily Chay showed up right before this or I think I might have passed out. Wearing Alice, 4 big pumpkins, 2,5,8,9 year olds to look after. Chay to the rescue. The best part is my children's faces. They enjoy this. I can do this. I tried so hard to not be snappy or moody so not to ruin the moment. I'm sure I failed occasionally. But it was the perfect fall night.

Dearest Children God is Near You

Dearest children, 

God is near you,

Watching o'er you day and night, 

And delights to own and bless you,

If you strive to do what's right.

He will bless you, He will bless you,

If you put your trust in him.

Dearest children, holy angels

Watch your actions night and day,

And they keep a faithful record

Of the good and bad you say.

Cherish virtue! Cherish virtue!

God will bless the pure in heart.

Children, God delights to teach you

By his Holy Spirit's voice.

Quickly heed its holy promptings.

Day by day you'll then rejoice.

Oh, prove faithful, Oh, prove faithful

To your God and Zion's cause.

My prayer every night and throughout the day. Oh cherish virtue my little ones. Quickly heed the Holy Ghost's promptings! Oh Prove Faithful. 

Not sure if I totally agree with the second verse that Holy Angels are keeping record of the good and bad you say- but I feel the heavens rejoice when you keep your covenants,  choose the right and love one another. Ancestors and angels combine for your spiritual journey--for your love of God and for Zion's cause. 

I love you so much Mckenzie, Julia, Xander, Samson, and little Alice.   

lucky stressed out life

5 children now- and no, it doesn't get easier after each one. That is a lie my friends.

It is so hard to journal these days. Alice is now 3 months. She is so loved by us all and although she is better now, the last 3 months were really difficult. She's not the easiest baby- but I am slowly learning how she works.- She's been hard to figure out.

My life is total chaos right now. Just so busy with children and life. I love the littleness of my children. They all have cute stories. Sam is goofy and adorable-

 it's just that it all happens all at once and everyone wants my attention and I so want to be attentive but I don't know how to do it- then I get stressed because dinner is to be made, family home evening needs to be planned, Kenzie needs to practice piano, homework isn't getting done. Ahhhh I just want to hide away from it all at times.

I am just going to jot down some memories and thoughts real quick. I am so tired and Alice is finally asleep. So I can't drag this out.

The other day we took Sam out of the crib because he learned how to climb out of it. It was time to give it to Alice. Sam has never slept well since he learned this new freedom. In fact there are many nights when we will hear Sam in the middle of the night walking around upstairs and Chay and I are too tired to do anything about it. So he will just drink water or get into some chips in the middle of the night. Sometimes we will find him crashed on our bedroom floor fast asleep. Sometimes he climbs into bed with Xander and Kenzie. Yes, that is 3 children in a twin bed. Because Xander insists he sleeps with Mckenzie. It is sweet. I know. But smooshy.

So we got bunk beds. The second set.

Kenzie and I decided to take down the crib and set it up in Alice's room. We were having a really hard time figuring out how to set the crib back up. I was getting really frustrated with myself and upset that I couldn't figure it out or remember how to do it. I didn't want Chay to have to come down and finish it for us because he can do everything and anything. I can't. I wish I could but my brain just can't figure out things right away. It almost makes me cry when I think about it--to be honest. Is there anything Chay can't do better?? He even cooks better than me. Pathetic.

Well anyway Kenzie suggested we pray. So we did. Right after we said, "Amen" I clicked the crib into place. It was such an amazing answer to prayer. So instant. Kenzie and I really could feel help so quickly after that prayer was said. It was really neat. But then I realized I had built the crib around me and I was standing inside, stuck. It was pretty funny.

Samson is the cutest most darling 2 1/2 year old ever. He is one child I refuse to let grow up. I can't stand the fact that this adorableness and happiness will fade into a 6 or 7 year old someday. I know, there is nothing I can do about it and growing up is good. Sam is just an interesting character. He always says hi to whoever he sees. He has a hearty to die for laugh. He is mischievous and stubborn. But he is so funny. Sometimes he will pretend to be asleep in his carseat and so I try to carefully take him out to not wake him and then he will just smile with his eyes closed and starts to giggle. It makes me laugh so hard. Little faker. So funny.

Xander is at Bravo Music academy kindergarten. He had a hard time at first saying goodbye for the first couple weeks. His eyes would get glossy with tears and he would hug me 10 times saying he loves me over and over again. So sweet. He really is sweet. Tender and kind. He now loves going to school. He is full of stories and loves to talk. I remember when he didn't talk forever- almost 3 1/2 and still not saying much and then all of the sudden- whoa! He is very concerned about people and he is very loving. He found out a friend in his class was having a birthday and he didn't forget the date. His best friend at school he says. Duncan. Xander drew him a picture and gave him starbursts for his birthday. So proud of Xander. We walk to school almost everyday and Xander rides his little yellow and black bike. Chay put Fox stickers all over it. I love watching little Xander peddle his bike with his oversized back pack on. His favorite stuff animal "Slush" is hanging from his backpack. I love that kid so much. Cutest 5 year old alive. He loves to draw now. Legos and Trios. He really follows his sisters around and craves their attention. He is so lucky- the girls are so lucky-I'm so lucky- so lucky to all have each other.

now to remember that, when I feel I might just lose it-

Voice blogging from my phone

I can't believe how cute little Alice is. She is always smiling and it melts my heart.

Baby Alice

Baby Alice. July 29, 2015 3:39 PM 7 pounds 7 ounces 21 inches long. 

You came into the world screaming. It's always a nice sound to hear a hearty cry coming from your seconds old newborn. The midwife immediately handed me to you and you were covered in blood and vernix- All wrinkly and perfect. I put you next to my chest skin to skin and held you for the longest time. You finally stopped crying. Meanwhile, your big sister Kenzie was given the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord. Mckenzie wanted to be with me for the birth. She was so excited to come to the hospital with me. Julia who is afraid of seeing pain, blood, or anything she can't control, decided to stay home. The kids all went to Cynthia's house. Luckily I went into labor in the morning time. 

Mckenzie walked the halls with me at the hospital as I labored. We would count how many minutes between each contraction. We held hands the entire time. Mckenzie was so patient and also such a strength. There were a lot of empty rooms in the wing where we were walking. Every time we would pass an empty room, Kenzie and I would walk in and I would do 30 squats to speed up labor. You see, Dear Alice, you were swimming in a huge amniotic sac full of too much fluid and because of this, you never stayed put and refused to get into the correct birthing position. A couple days before your birth, you were breech and then you were sideways. The doctors discussed having a C-Section if you weren't in the right position. For some reason I was so against the idea of cutting my stomach open. I was afraid of the healing process afterwards mostly. So I didn't lay down once during my labor until the midwife, Kathy Mark, broke my water. She felt your head downwards and she broke my water so your head would engage in the right position and you wouldn't move. It worked. I did squats to keep your head down and to speed up labor. 

I went from a 2 to a 9 centimeters in about 4 hours. 

I prayed so hard that you would flip into the right position. Many prayed and fasted as well. I put your name into the temple. It really was a miracle and answer to prayer to discover that you were flipped head down on the day I went into labor. 

It was a great labor and birth. I should have refused the epidural at the end because I was a 9 when I got it. I was just being weak and afraid of pain and I figured why not?  But it was still very painful and I could feel most of it. 

I was so relieved to know that this awful pregnancy was over. I was so happy to hold you, Alice. Newborns are so precious. So tiny for such a small period of time. You made the cutest noises and grunts. You were seriously the cutest little newborn. perfectly shaped head. I was kind of in denial about the rest of my life. I just pretended everything paused and I could focus on you. You were a great nurser at the hospital. You opened your eyes right after you were born. Very alert. Your Dad was so proud. He recorded a lot of your birth on my phone. I was so happy to have your Dad and Mckenzie with me. I couldn't wait for Julia, Xander and Sam to meet you. 

Sam was a little unsure. He thought you were a doll the first time he saw you- and when you moved your hands and legs a little, he screamed out of fear. He actually adjusted pretty well to not being the baby anymore. He loved you very early on. He was always gentle and sweet with you. So was Xander. Xander is very kind and soft with you. He sings to you often. He calls you "Baby Alice" all the time. He often says how much he loves you and then kisses your feet. Julia and Mckenzie can't get enough of you. A constant wanting to hold you and touch you. They are your little second mommies. They will always take care of you, I just know it. You are so so loved my little girl. You came into a family that will always cherish you. 

The outpouring realization of how fortunate you are just came to me. Born into the world during the very last days before Christ comes again. You were born into a home with a mother and father who are married and who love each other. You were also born into a home where the gospel is taught and where Heavenly Father and Jesus is at the center of the home. You were born into the United States of America where despite how much it has disappointedly changed since it's foundation, it is still for the time being, the greatest country on earth, watched over by God himself. You were born into a home with a father who can provide for you and make sure all your temporal needs are met. You have me, your mother, who fails often but continues to give it my all to make sure you feel loved, learn to work, learn to love the Lord, and to discover your strengths and talents. You have a big family of siblings who care about you and always will. You have been handed a treasure trove of blessings. Remember to always be grateful my new daughter. 

You were blessed on September 5th, 2015. The same day your sister Julia was baptised. It was a very special day for you two. Your dad was especially tender that day. In your baby blessing your father said you were born on earth and came into our family for a divine purpose. Remember that. Your father also said in your blessing that your two sisters will be your example. No pressure Kenzie and Julia. 

Deciding to get pregnant with you was as a difficult choice. I could easily be done with Sam and I could continue to focus on my health and family. I was 35 and knew I was getting older but I felt really strongly that we needed to have another child because it really isn't about me, it's about doing what's right. Logic and many opinions would speak to me saying:  "stop having children, start living your life, your house is too small, you're going to be 40 when your youngest is in kindergarten, it's going to be hard on your health, it's too expensive to raise children, it's too stressful and hard to have more." But really in the end, it's not about what I think is best, but what the Lord sees is best. I want to do His will not mine. I am so happy I obeyed the small promptings. Now I have you. Alice. A blessing in our lives with a "divine purpose". Couldn't be happier. Now if you would just stop crying and get over this colic thing you got going on. We want our sleep and our sanity back please. 

 

Comptine d'un autre ete

We couldn't be more proud of Mckenzie. The piano makes sense to her and she really enjoys it. She learned this hard song really quick. She was really nervous for the recital and she tends to play fast when she is a little scared- but overall it was great, especially for a 9 year old.

I was really emotional when she played because I remembered the days when I would sit next to her on the piano day in and day out going over her first songs and her first notes. She would get so frustrated and wanted to quit playing. I had to give so many inspirational speeches to this girl to keep her motivated. Ahhhh. "We can do hard things. This is how we learn in life. Mistakes are normal and apart of the learning process. Heavenly Father does not want us to give up. He will help us." Oh and those hard songs she wanted to avoid, I would sit by her on the bench and play them with her and we would play them 10 times each. "One more time, let's do it one more time." She would cry. "You are amazing. You are becoming a great piano player." I would say. While inside I wanted to scream sometimes. Let me remind you that the house was never getting clean. Sam was  walking  scooting around in a diaper to his knees.

Then as Kenzie advanced, I would play the bottom hand and she would play the top hand and then we would switch. She learned rhythm really well this way and so did I! It was a rough couple of years as I wanted to give up too!! It was hard motivating and coming up with new ways to make practice fun. I switched her teacher 3 times so we could find the perfect fit. She still has a lot to learn and a ways to go, but she is over that hump of the unknown impossibilities to anything is possible if I work hard enough at it- especially with piano. She really is developing a wonderful gift. We love music around here.

Here is Chay's comment on Instagram about Kenzie's recital. A proud father without a hint of humility. Love it.

summer is upon us part 2

So far so wonderful this blessed summer. Happiness in my heart to have my kids home every day. I love having them around, taking them to exciting places, hearing their stories all day, watch them play together. I love the non rush mornings now where each one wakes up when they want and come into my room and either get in bed with me or give me a big "good morning" hug.

The gift to enjoy motherhood most of the time and to treasure home and family is a learned behavior, a desire I wanted, a prayer in my heart the Lord has answered- and through time, service, and patience, this wonderful gift has been bestowed upon me. It's what I wanted even though I used to not feel it all the time- but I believe that with faith, time, and a desire to change- God can change our very nature. I knew somehow that the children Heavenly Father gave me needed a specific kind of mother- and I have had and still have many days where I feel so inadequate and guilty- but I just keep on praying and believing that I can change- through Christ. I am a lot kinder, more patient, less selfish, more compassionate, and more centered on home and family than I used to be. I am not perfect and I lose it from time to time!! Ha!! But the slow process has been noticeable.

Do I want the children to go away and watch TV sometimes because I just can't handle them anymore? Yes. Do I push them outside with a popsicle so I can think straight and not have to deal with their petty problems and constant nagging? Yes, sometimes. Do I get annoyed and raise my voice from time to time out of frustration? yes. Do I long for nap time so I can assure peace in my world for 2 hours a day? I love my Sammy but I know he is safe in his crib and not causing messes, getting into the fridge and dropping eggs on the floor, not running out into the street, trying to drink all purpose cleaner. Yes, I want the break!!!

But I feel so grateful that I feel more and more linked and tied to my children as they grow- and the desire to pursue a time consuming hobby or to leave the house and make money becomes less and less. I have learned to know and appreciate this small time in my life when my kids are small. They really are so fun and entertaining. Their innocence and their thoughts and words melt my heart. Their easiness to giggle and cry really make the life experience come alive. I love all their emotions. Before I know it, I will suddenly have more "me" time and I will get to focus on other parts of my progress on this earth, but for now- this is what I really want. In the end, spending all this time with my children and strengthening home and family will bring the greatest reward. Despite it being the hardest thing I have ever done- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can do hard things!!!

SUMMER

 

*We have been swimming almost daily at the health club. The kids love love it. I actually love it too once I get this big body into a swimsuit. Ahhh what a feat!!! Hauling 4 kids is a challenge- since 2 of them don't swim at at all. Kenzie and Julia are a little behind because we were basically "swimless" for a couple years due to tubes in everyone's ears except Kenzie. But I figured the more I take them, the more they will learn. This fall I will put them in private lessons since they are booked for the summer.

*We've had some great summer rain so far. We are so blessed by all this rain! Thank you Heavenly Father for providing all this moisture. The best part is the air is still warm- the kids got all muddy in the rain yesterday. Dad pushed them on the tire swing in the middle of the storm. It was so exciting for them. I can't believe how much shelter our tree provides. I love our big tree in the backyard.

*I love all the time the kids are spending with each other. School really separates the siblings. They are getting along really well- little fights here and there but that is usually because they are tired, hungry or hot. Mckenzie does Julia's hair in the morning. Julia loves having her hair played with. Me too!! I saw Kenzie scratching Julia's back just because Julia loves it. It was really sweet. Julia also has a huge heart and plays with Xander a lot. They play well together but I also think she is just a really kind person and wants her brother to be happy.

*Kenzie and Xander built a "shade" fort in our front yard. It was creative. I'm sure our neighbors were kindly waiting for the mess to be picked up. It was pretty redneck looking. Old towels and blankets stretched over an old card table.

*Tons of bike rides around the neighborhood. A lot of scraped up knees and elbows, itchy mosquito bites, and sun kissed skin. Love the freckles.

*Even though we go to a nice outdoor pool at the health club, Chay decided to fill up our kiddy pool one afternoon and guess who played the most in it? Kenzie, our 9 year old. Ha. They all played in it. Dad put it in front of the slide.

*I taught Kenzie how to use the washing machine the other day. I'm just worried she will wash a stained shirt without spraying it first and putting it in the dryer- Letting go of laundry is hard for me. But I am trying to not be a control freak so my kids can learn the skill as well. I have never sorted kids clothes by color. Just throw their dirty clothes all in together- besides their nice nice clothes- which are very few- they all wear second hand, hand me downs anyway.

*Terrace Days- once a year the city celebrates itself. Blow up Bouncy houses, a climbing wall, vendors. Fried Pickles!!! SO GOOD!!! We lost Samson for 10 minutes- it felt like an hour. My heart sank. I could not find him for so long. Chay got the police. I was screaming his name but everything was so loud. A couple nice people started helping me. We finally found him way out in the middle of a baseball field far away from us. Oh my heart. Oh my heart. His head was buried in his small hands and stream of tears were coming down his face. Oh I just couldn't stop crying for the longest time. What a nightmare. I love that kid so much and to see him so scared and alone broke my heart.

*We watched a big firework show that night. It was awesome. The kids loved it. Julia was being her worrisome self again thinking the world was going to catch on fire or we were going to get hit by the fireworks. Dad pretended to be hit and she freaked out. Julia just likes to worry for some reason. She is always concerned about something. She was a wreck when we lost Sam.

*Oh and the climbing wall. My kid's favorite. Especially Julia. She scaled it like spider man. They love the challenge besides Xander- he kind of follows the girls around and so when he got up pretty high he got scared. But I told him to finish it until he got to the top!! He did. He was so proud of himself for accomplishing something so great, even though he was super apprehensive about the whole thing. Xander has really improved on riding his bike. He loves it. I can't believe he will be 5 next month. How exciting to see my beautiful boy grow up and learn.

*The kids decided this was going to be the slumber party summer. They took off the mattresses from the bunk bed and laid them down next to each other on the floor to make a king. They sleep together every night. They are up their giggling for the longest time. They like to tease Julia and steal her silky pink blanky. But it's fun tease, I think. Anyway- I've decided to just let it be for the summer. They still have to "make" the bed in the morning but it just gets jumped on and ruined by midday anyway. Chay decided to join them the other night and he fell asleep with them. Mckenzie who is a snuggler loved it and kept talking about it the next morning.

*Scripture study is getting a little weak as a family. Now it's a quick verse with a small explanation and kisses good night since bedtime suddenly went from 7:30 to 10:00 pm. The cool nights that don't get dark until 9 are so tempting to enjoy. We have a goal to read the entire book of mormon by the time Julia gets baptized this fall. I am determined to make scripture study more meaningful again. We usually gather around the table and I try to have a coloring sheet for them to color or they need to draw what we're talking about. I ask millions of questions so they stay focused. It's hard work. But I really do feel the blessings and protection that come from meaningful scripture study. It is our duty as parents that our children learn to love and know the scriptures- so we keep on plowing through. But some days it is hard!!

*I want to be better at Family Home Evenings too. I am kind of scattered brained about life and so I don't prepare very well. Since our children are not very busy yet and our life isn't chaotic like some families, I kind of lean on the idea that we do a lot together as a family- but I want more spiritual and gospel learning centered family home evenings. I got on Pinterest looking for new ideas for a quick lesson, and then I just felt inspired to have Mckenzie teach the lesson. She grabbed the Friend Magazine, and I kid you not- she gave the best lesson. She was an amazing teacher. She asked good questions, she had 2 activities- the kids listened to her better than they do with Chay and I. She shared neat stories and even bore her testimony at the end. It was so wonderful to see my daughter act so grown up and to see a talent developing. On my to-do list is to write her a little note and tell her how much I enjoyed her lesson. No greater joy.