prayer

Julia has colic. It is breaking my heart, breaking my sanity, breaking...already broken.

She cries and cries.

and cries.

Her belly aches. We go through 15-20 diapers a day. She is gassy and passes gas all day which means her diapers have little streaks of poop which if I don't catch quick enough gives her a horrible rash. I have tried 4 different ointments and have finally found one that works with her skin. Still she cries, screams, turns red, tears...

The days are long but the weeks go fast. I was telling Chay this and we both said almost in perfect unison "just like the mission"

I have divided myself down the middle with the idea of having more children now. It is either we are done or I can handle any baby after Julia.

It was daring I know- to make a trip to Costco with Kenzie and Julia. Julia starts to scream. I take her out of the car seat and do all I can to calm her down. Kenzie gets restless and starts to whine a little. I push the big cart with one hand, hold Julia in the other, grab the big container of grapes- open it up and basically give Kenzie permission to go to town on the grapes just so I can deal with one crying baby at a time. Julia finally falls asleep. Of course the sampler lady who was sampling cheese wanted to see the baby. I told her I just got her to quit crying. You could tell she was lonely and hated her job. She wanted to have a full on conversation with me and I wasn't really in the mood. But being polite I joined in with small chat and then she told me about her son who had colic. She had all these great ideas for me to try- like drinking a glass of wine 10 minutes before I nurse. Her words, "it really calms the baby and the mother right down" I gave her an odd look and thought "perfect, just what I needed to hear" I grabbed a couple pieces of cheese for Kenzie and took off.

Well it is Sunday and I am home. Mckenzie is sick with a cold and so Julia is all plugged up now. Kenzie's teeth are coming in. I just didn't want to deal with a sick tired toddler (church is right during nap time, 11:00) and a crying baby today. But last night I had decided I was going to bear my testimony today at church and here I am at home- so maybe I will blog my testimony. Blog my testimony- welcome to the evolution of gospel sharing through advancements of technology- who would ever imagine such a thing-

anyway- I pray literally 50 times a day. Every time I feed Julia, every time I burp her, every time I change her, when she cries, when Mckenzie cries, when they cry together- and even though angels don't come out of the heavens to take over my chaotic life and help with my kids, I feel peace and I get through 5-10 minutes of hell without punching a hole through the wall. Then when the 10 minutes of comfort is over I am down on my knees again. I am always just stopping right in the middle of something and praying. Kenzie hears me and she instantly folds her arms when I start to say "Heavenly Father" So she is either learning her mom is psycho or her mom loves Heavenly Father and trusts in Him so much that she will call upon Him anytime of the day. I'm sure it is a mixture of the two.

When I receive answers to prayer there aren't really any words to describe it. Spiritual communication is so often wordless- all I know is that my heart can be so full of pride and I can want so strongly for someone to feel sorry for me or that the world owes me a favor and then a simple prayer, which is hard to say when I am bitter- can somehow calm rage and discouragement. Does that make sense? Of course we know God is more powerful than the natural man- once we allow Him to be- but it's the allowing that can be so dang difficult. But the miracle of it all is the simple first step of submission is sometimes all we need and God will do the rest. I can pray and somehow feel light, at ease, and be so much more enduring than I was 5 minutes before I prayed.

the power of prayer-

Although I feel so much discouragement about Julia crying all day and although I cry with her too sometimes, I can feel my relationship with my Father growing. When I catch myself saying in my prayers, "Father I have done everything I can, I don't know what to do or how to handle this, please take over" then I know I am beginning to understand the atonement a little more and gaining a stronger testimony of the love my Father in Heaven has for me.

Sometimes it can be almost frustrating to grasp the magnitude of it all- the trials that tear us apart yet the encircling arms of the Lord's love all at the same time. You just want to say to the heavens "this isn't really fair, yet ok if this is what it takes...ok" It is bittersweet to go through a trial and know at the same time the Lord is shaping and molding you and preparing you for something far greater. Prayer really keeps trials in perspective.