tribute

to my mom

Some bad days...lately.

2 days after my mom left I felt my world was going to crumble.

I have too many tomatoes growing outside. Reluctant to do anything that requires work, I end up making the biggest bowl of salsa. It took a lot longer than I wanted it to and yet I was somewhat pleased with it knowing Chay would appreciate it...Kenzie opened the fridge and dumped the whole bowl over. It splattered all over my rug, up the island, and inside the cupboards. Now this is all happening when I am sleep deprived and dealing with Julia who has colic or something- she only stops crying when she's asleep or eating. I look at the salsa mess and just start to cry. I wipe it up with thoughts, "Is this what I came to earth for? To clean up salsa? To play dress up with dolls, to hold a crying baby all day, to get stretch marks, to make dinner, do dishes, to not talk to anyone for days on end?"

baby blues? Oh probably

Here I am feeling sorry for myself- feeling a little lost in the big moving world...I really don't know what I feel to be honest- which can be worse sometimes. I am just trying to grasp this whole life thing- Heavenly Father's plan for me, while I change diapers and bounce up and down on our bed all day holding Julia- trying to sooth her. I just want to ask, "what am I accomplishing here?" I always hear these inspirational quotes "Carpe Diem, make each day count, go for the gold, today is the first day of the rest of your life" you've all heard them a million times- yet to a mother with new little children these quotes can be quite discouraging. I mean honestly who feels they are reaching their potential when they are hazy all day from little sleep, wearing the same shirt for three days in a row, yelling at their toddler to stop drawing on books...it is hard to picture yourself all grand and glorious in this life for being a mom. I guess the world tells us we need to have a plaque on the wall, praise, showy talents, special knowledge to be of any worth...hmmmm

Tribute to my mother. Isn't it interesting how I feel this way about myself yet I look to my mother with the highest regards. I look at her in aw for the person she is and the life she is living. She too spent many days wiping up, cleaning up, sweeping up, chasing down after her children. She too had many long days where I am sure felt like nothing got accomplished besides surviving motherhood. Yet I honor and respect her- her life, her faith, her love has given me the perfect example to live by.

My mom is holding on to life. She is a fighter. She isn't trying to earn a huge degree or land a job she has always wanted before she dies- she isn't trying to feel good about herself by accomplishing something great in the world's eyes- she is just filling her life up with love. She listens, nurtures, and cares for her children. She isn't a fake grandma- she is the real deal. She actually cries when she says goodbye to Mckenzie and takes time to leave her notes and gifts. She is searching constantly for guidance from the spirit. Her life is driven by faith and inspiration. She knows Heavenly Father loves her even though she is always in pain, always fatigued. My mom's last days will be spent in her flower garden, or painting a room, or fixing something in the garage, or preparing a lesson for church- she is a fighter because she chooses life despite what life chooses for her.

My mom came down to help me with the baby. She slept on a couch in the basement. She must have climbed those dreadful steep stairs 15 times a day. She cooked meals, did my laundry, painted rooms, painted trim- all with stage 4 cancer. She hardly complained. Even though she did many physical things for me- my most treasured part of her stay was when she would sit with me and listen to me talk and when she would be my support during the first horrid days of breastfeeding. I treasure seeing her spend time with Kenzie and giving Julia a bath. I treasure her prayers.

Motherhood. We are taking care of God's children. So...hmmm spending all day with little children, caring for them, hugging them, talking to them, cleaning up messes...can it possibly be the most important thing we can do for a human soul? Children must gain their concept of God by the way they are parented by their earthly parents...it only makes sense. So maybe I did come to earth to clean up spilled salsa. Being with Kenzie practically every waking moment of her life teaches her trust and confidence...singing nursery songs, holding a crying baby for hours, reading books, unloading the dishwasher, eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches together all might be pretty righteous works...some major building of the kingdom of God. We may one day see how these simple acts of love contributed to healthy development of the child and spiritual preparation for the mom in this life and the life hereafter. Yes sleepless nights, tried patience, yelling at our kids and asking them and the Lord for forgiveness, teaching our little ones how to pray and be reverent may not get a whole lot of recognition- but we are becoming Christ-like whether we realize it or not.

Well just an insight- easier to write about than to actually accept- the long days get to me you know? I am thankful for prayer.