tonight

Why did Sister Beck have to tell her "mother" story the way she did?

her words to be exact, "what will I do without my mother?"- this caused a monsoon of tears...and of course Brandi, who I consider an angel friend, cried right along with me.

The Lord is mindful of me. He really is. I felt His comfort tonight. I am not trying to pull any saga sorrow sympathy stuff on you about my mom- but seriously it has been on my mind a lot lately. The drama will soon fade. It will. It is just weird what I am going through...and it is really dragging me through some emotional feelings.

All I can say is that losing touch with Mom and not being able to communicate with her like I could just 1 month ago, has been one of the loneliest feelings I've had in a long time.

"We are all creators" didn't you just love Elder Uchtdorf's talk? That had to be one of the most powerful most inspired talks I have ever heard.

I honestly don't know what people do without the gospel. Miracles...so many miracles come from the knowledge we possess. Like tonight- I can't think of anything more therapeutic at the moment than attending the General Relief Society conference...I felt angels bearing me up.

A Jehovah's witness knocked on my door today and with his "watch tower" pamphlet he asked the question, "Do you really know your Heavenly Father?" and I looked at him in the eye and said, "I do...I know Him quite well" and it was an answer to prayer to hear my answer. So thank you Mr. Jehovah's Witness man for being inspired to knock on my door. Our little encounter today meant the world to me. Hopefully you make it as one of the 144,000- you probably will.

Today I went to a yard sale and there was the perfect tall dresser for the girl's room. I have been waiting patiently for a dresser that is tall with big drawers that will only cost $15 dollars or so...well the perfect dresser was already SOLD! I couldn't believe I wasn't going to get it. I was in shock. I kept talking to the owners of the house, telling them how badly I wanted that dresser...and the lady just said, "I am sorry sweetheart, it's sold" AHHHHHH someday someday....lol.

well I leave tomorrow to see mom. I will be there for 10 days. I am kind of dreading it. Don't know why- just kind of a whole new thing for me I guess- here I go...

my post today...

Did you guys watch The Office last night? Wasn't that funny? Oh my- I was laughing so hard- maybe I was just going through Office withdrawals but Chay and I giggled through the whole episode. Pam is so going to hook up with that guy at her art school.

My computer has a virus and Keith, my bro, has been working on it- but he has been really busy lately- so I don't have patience to even open up my laptop...it is so incredibly slow. I try every now and then thinking my computer will miraculously work again- nope- it took me 5 minutes to upload to this posting page...sigh. Plus I am not in the mood to write much.

Narlene is a lady in my mom's ward. She was staying with my mom yesterday while Dad was at the doctors. My mom had Narlene call me. My mom was crying on the phone telling me she was afraid she was going to die before I got there. She kept saying "I need to see my April before I go" she was obviously being irrational and actually didn't even remember the conversation when I called her later that afternoon. She always asks me when my flight comes in...she is very excited to see me and the girls...

The other day I wanted to talk to mom about the economy and politics. When I called, Dad answered. He asked me what I wanted to talk to mom about and I said, "the economy..." my dad quickly said, "she doesn't even know what the economy is April...you can't talk to her about stuff like that anymore" I told my dad to stop being a control freak and to be a little more positive- I then said, "Dad, I can talk to my mom about anything I want" My dad as loving as he is, has always been kind of degrading without even knowing it. He is full of compassion and service towards his family, yet us kids and Mom too, all know he survives and defends something within by using sharp belittling words to others- I had to give him a lesson the other day on how to talk to Mom- how to change his wording so it is positive yet while still accomplishing his original motive...I don't even know why I am writing this- I am seriously rambling. It's just that Dad is taking this hard right now. He serves my mom around the clock and I think he is getting tired...

so anyway- I did talk to my mom about the economy. I just pretend nothing is wrong with her mind, believing I will get through somehow and guess what Mom said back to me, "April, we have been told for years to get out of debt...I bet some are wishing they listened to the prophet." so who says I can't talk to my mom about the economy?

off subject: So yesterday when the girls were done with their lunch, I carried Julia back to her room to go night night...and when I returned to the kitchen to get Kenzie cleaned up and ready for her nap- I saw this: (and of course I panicked "where's the camera? where's the camera?)

what where and why

ok these are fun. I like doing them but I like reading others more.

This was an email Jaynee sent me a couple days ago and I thought it was a good post since I am not in the mood to think up of anything to blog about at the moment. So if you are experiencing blogger block like I am, take advantage of responding to these questions and humor me please.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 4:25 am
2. Diamonds or pearls? depends on my outfit
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Emma Smith Movie (I live in Utah)
4. What is your favorite TV show? The office, Scrubs, Glen Beck, American Idol, HGTV
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Oh let's see- every day is something different- but my green drink, onion green pepper omelet with brown rice is a favorite
6. What is your middle name? Eileen- after my Grandma Tomblin- it was her middle name also
7. What food do you dislike? I like almost everything...I don't like spicy hot spicy stuff
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? I like the new coldplay cd, Dido's no angel is all time favorite of mine- it is so fun to sing to.
9. What kind of car do you drive? Subaru Outback
10. Favorite sandwich? Have you heard of Rumbi Grill??? Oh my gosh their pork sandwich is so dang good. I like Rumbi Grill- it resonates well with me.
11. What characteristics do you despise? People who think they know it all...all the time- I just had an encounter with one of these people this weekend and it drove me up the wall.
12. Favorite item of clothing? oh my shoes lately- a good turtle neck- oh and of course Jaynee- the wonder jeans that make your butt still look good even though you feel like a cow that day.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Somewhere with my family- probably to a lake cabin somewhere in North Idaho. I am sooo easy to please when it comes to vacations. Nothing exotic for me. I don't like a lot of people- just being with the right people make all the difference.
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Whatever Ross has to offer? Ok I am in love with Banana Republic but last time I bought a shirt there it was still $20 after sale and coupon- but I feel like that store speaks to me "I am for you April...I know the fashion in you...come inside...my clothes look fabulous on you" LOL
15. Where would you retire to? I have never thought about this before. I just want to be close to children and grandchildren.
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? I usually do a temple session on my birthday. But this year I want to include something crazy...my last year in the 20's! I think I want to do FlowRider...stay tuned for some video footage.
17. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball by far.
18. Furthest place you are sending this? well this is a blog and not an email so it is going all over the world...Turkey?
19. Person you expect to send it back first? I tag all my fellow blogger friends. I really love reading these type of things from people.
20. When is your birthday? October 13, 1979. I love that I made it in the 70's.
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? I don't know anymore. I am tired all day.
22. What is your shoe size? My feet are growing. Are any of your feet growing? I wear a 9- 9 1/2. I used to be a pleasant 8 1/2.
23. Pets? No pets but that doesn't mean I am cold and unlovable... this was a debate I got into one time with a person- a 'know it all' type person- quite the lovable person I am...just no poop to scoop up ever.
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? um...not really. I am going home this weekend...not sure if that is exciting but at least I will see old friends and family..I am organizing the basement...which I need to take pictures of- you should see my laundry room!!! It is so functional now.
25. What did you want to be when you were little? a teacher
26. How are you today? blah...ok I suppose. The kids have made me laugh today which is always an upper.
27. What is your favorite candy? I like those sesame snacks- emily knows what I am talking about- they are sugar and sesame seeds in a little square candy bar type thing. They are usually found at a health food store- but they aren't necessarily healthy- just crunchy.
28. What is your favorite flower? lilies- there is one variety that is so beautiful-with the bright orange and hot pink.
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? September 27th- Relief Society General Conference.
30. What is your full name? April Eileen Tomblin Clark
31. What are you listening to right now? Kenzie sing and play the piano. She is going to be my little musician. She loves to sing...loves loves it. She sings while she does other things...like she creates her own background music. What a light she can be.
32. What was the last thing you ate? um...I finished off Kenzie's honey bunches of oats- tribute to my mom.
33. Do you wish on stars? I have before. I mostly pray when I see the stars...
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Brown
35. How is the weather right now? Perfect perfect 72 degrees and sunshining.
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? joette- I am her daily commute entertainment. She always gives me the mom update.
37. Favorite soft drink? um...yuck...I drink Dr. Pepper when I have a headache but I can't when I am nursing- but I don't really like pop...I mean soda..sorry Natalie. Root beer floats are pretty good. I had Grandpa Ramsey's homemade root beer a couple months ago- pretty tasty.
38. Favorite restaurant? I don't know...I like Cafe Rio, Rumbi Grill...but we really don't go out to eat very often.
39. Real hair color? Brown with a touch of brown
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? my Hoppity Hop. The big bouncy ball with handles so you can jump all over the place. Do you remember these? Toys are so lame these days.
41. Summer or winter? Summer
42. Hugs or kisses? Kisses from Chay- Hugs from everyone else- I kiss my kids a lot though on the cheeks. It is so addicting. Their skin is so incredibly soft.
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Twist.
44. Coffee or tea? I absolutely love the smell of coffee. I will go down the coffee aisle at the store just to smell the beans...but since I don't drink it- neither...I wish I could drink Ice Tea. Sometimes it sounds so good to me.
45. Do you want your friends to email you back? blogging instead- all is invited to participate
46. When was the last time you cried? 1/2 hour ago. It was a quickie though.
47. What is under your bed? nothing...I'm glad this survey came after I cleaned under my bed...or the answer would have been embarrassing.
48. What did you do last night? Family home evening and hit the Smith's sale. Came home with a trunk load of groceries for $34! After sale and coupons I got salad dressing for free, 4 boxes of cereal for free, box of wheat thins for for free- plus cereal that was $.80 cents a box, pasta for $.40 a box- it was kind of fun- Kenzie talked to her monkey the entire time in the cart! Love that monkey!
49. What are you afraid of? a lot of things...losing a child, mice, big open spaces, old basements (getting better with this one)
50. Salty or sweet? whatever tastes good. Usually sweet if I am pms'n salty when I am super hungry, both when I am bored.
51. How many keys on your key ring? 2
52. How many years at your current job? paper route 3 1/2 months and watching Gage off and on- had the summer off- 2 months now? Love the kid.
53. Favorite day of the week? Sundays lately.
54. How many towns have you lived in? Newman Lake, Rexburg, Sao Paulo, Taguatinga, Cruzeiro, Varzia Grande, Ewing, Willsonville, Burley, Bountiful -10
55. Do you make friends easily? Sort of
56. Worst habit? not putting my clothes away when I take them off
57. Are you getting sick of this survey? yes- it's your turn now

honey bunches of oats

I just read over my post and I think the words "cry" or "crying" are written here at least 10 times.

so I need to talk to somebody about this over and over again...I even need to repeat the same stories and tell how I feel a million times...Chay has heard it plenty. So I will write to the computer screen...and to all of you. Computers are pretty good listeners if you think about it. It just feels better to talk/write things out. I want to mourn. I want to make a big deal out of this. I don't know why- but for just a little while I want this to be consuming and heartbreaking. It will be easier to let it go if I just throw it all out on the table.

So Joette keeps telling me the veil is thin at home. I get upset that I am not close to home. My life is here with my husband and children but I really wish I could rub mom's feet and hug her and be with her more during these last days.

I have really needed my mom lately. We used to talk to each other every single day almost for a good 45 minutes or so. I tell her everything. The last 3 weeks have been super hard for me. I pretend to be all strong but the hurt leaks out- I can tell because I feel wasted, burdened, and it seems like I have been eating everything in sight(that is always a good indicator that something is unbalanced in my life)- I know most of you can relate. Food- my drug of choice.

My mom is getting worse and worse as the days go by. It hurts. Where is she? Her mind is slipping. After seeing the doctor about Julia's stupid eraser incident, I longed to tell her all about it. I called her from the waiting room at the doctor's office. She couldn't comprehend what I was saying. She was slurring her words. She spoke soft. She was making comments that didn't sound like her normal way of speaking. She was like a stranger. After repeating my Julia story 5 times she finally understood it. She then said out of the blue, "April I love you. I love you more than Honey Bunches of Oats. And you know, I have thought a lot about if I should love you more than Honey Bunches of Oats or not and you know, I do." (it's ok, you can laugh) but at that very moment I knew things were getting really bad and the tears came and I couldn't stop crying.

"Honey bunches of Oats Mom?" I questioned while wiping my eyes.

"Yes dear, you are so precious to me, more than life itself. What a wonderful daughter you have been"

It is like she has pieces of her heart still manifesting in her words but the majority of what she says is so off in some sick brain land. It is so weird. So sad. I can't wait to laugh with her again someday about the whole "honey bunches of oats" thing- because I know she will laugh so hard- I can see her now...laughing so hard she is wheezing.

I dwell a lot in the "once was" and I can't stop thinking about my mom's life and how funny she used to be...and all her lessons she would teach- and all the poems and plays she has written...and all the talks we have had...all the prom dresses and brides maid dresses she has sewn and all the testimonies she has born...and all the "alls"

I call home every day. My dad is being so strong. The once gruff man who used to yell all day is now giving my mom a bath, cooking her meals, pushing her in the wheelchair on walks, weeding her flower garden, getting up 3-4 times a night to help her use the bathroom. It is just humbling to think about how my mom's sickness has molded this once rough edge of a man into something so soft and loving. He is however still kind of a nervous wreck right now and still has his bouts of quirks and blow offs but we are still so amazed at his overall change.

Mom's oncologist cried yesterday when she saw mom. She told her it was mom's last appointment and it was time to get things in order. My mom's oncologist, Jonie, loves mom dearly. Mom painted a picture for her a couple years ago- it was a picture of Jonie's 3 children when they were little. It is hanging above Jonie's fireplace in her home. Jonie was sad to see how much mom has changed...as we all are. Jonie kept telling my mom how wonderful of a life she has had and she never knew anyone who tried so hard to fight this.

My aunt Linda who is a nurse has been staying with my mom for a week or so. Linda and my mom haven't really talked for 25+ years. I so happen to live close to Linda here in Utah and I have made a huge effort to become close to her. I don't know why but I felt a strong pull to have a relationship with her. She decided to drive up and stay with Mom and it has been such an amazing experience for them both...a great healing has occurred. My mom had a really hard childhood. Linda told me last night that my mom has declined a lot this week and that she will be surprised if she makes it another month. My mom cried when Linda left last night, hugging her and saying "oh Linda what will I do without you?" I called and Linda was crying...this is all so very emotional for our family.

I talked to my mom on the phone last night. She is hard to talk to. But I couldn't stop crying. It was like the big crying with the big tears. The embarrassing kind of crying where you can't seem to control it. I told my mom to hold on until I get there and to pray that Heavenly Father allows her to not lose all her communication and memory. She then told me, "April, everything is going to be ok. I feel a lot of peace right now. I am ready to go home. Everything will be ok. Just always know how much I love you" it was very tender. I knew it was sincere. The next moment though she then said, "April I am going to pull out of this, I am already starting to feel better." ????? She might take awhile to pass on because she is such a fighter. She still wants to do everything she used to. She fell the other night and cracked the china cabinet. She is always trying to get up and do things by herself. It is very sad to see her try to do the motherly routine things she has done her whole life.

ok well I am done for now. I have things I need to get done around the house...

nevers

Have you ever thought of your nevers?

never eaten a crispy cream donut
never used liquid fabric softener
never read a harry potter book
never seen a harry potter movie
I have a pair of pants I have
never washed
never bounced a check- came close though
never seen the star wars movies- but I really want to
never had an epidural- doesn't mean I never will
never owned a brand new car
never slept with a top sheet- I have but I usually never do.
never read any of the twilight books
I have been to Disney World...never again
never drank or smoked
never been to Hawaii
never lost anyone close to me to death- not yet
never read the old testament from cover to cover
never knew a best friend like Emily could exist- until the Fall of 1999

never cruised riverside
it's off to never ever land- thank you Metallica
never rock climbed but I think I would be good at it
never thought I would live in Utah
never want to sell home security systems again
never been to the sacred grove...but oh how I ever want to

never ate at Carrabba's...this restaurant is patiently waiting for me

Never Ending Story- childhood favorite...I still think about the nothing

Never ever gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it My love- not this time-Do you guys remember this song by En Vogue? lol

never knew the heat would be the biggest trial on my mission.

never wear deodorant- ok I have but maybe 3 times a month if that

never miss a day saying "I love you" to at least somebody
never knew my mom would get this bad
never thought I would call home and hope Dad answers first
never thought my mom would lose her brilliant mind
never thought heartache could bring so much peace

never say never right?

I never knew I had so many nevers.

we are like an egg

so Chay would you like to explain this picture?

Look closely...yes in that bottle is a hard boiled egg...on drugs.

ok so family home evening was quite entertaining last night. Chay had the lesson and so he told me on the phone at work "all I need is a hard boiled egg, a Gatorade bottle, matches and rubbing alcohol." I told him we only had fingernail polish remover. "that should do"

He started out by saying "we are like this egg"...

well his object lesson didn't go over as planned. A shelled hard boiled egg that is normally too big- is supposed to fit through the top of a bottle when there is rubbing alcohol and fire involved. Well for some reason it didn't work so Chay had to keep changing "why we are like an egg". Christ helps us through the impossible but after mutilating the egg and chopping it into pieces so it would fit through the mouth of the bottle forced us to come up with a new analogy real quick...we were laughing pretty hard. Kenzie was pretty intrigued to say the least.

The best part was seeing the bottle still on top of the piano this morning...

amoeba blob update

ok so I went to the Ear Nose Throat doctor today...and he confirmed that the eraser was lodged into Julia's mouth with the pencil!!!!! He said the mouth heals relatively fast and if there wasn't a foreign object it would have healed in a week and a half...He said the wound is manifesting a rejection of something not good. (oh really?) and that it should start to heal normal. The big bloody ball of stuff was almost gone by noon today...and Julia was actually a little stinker again- getting into everything and giggling with Kenzie. So Julia had this eraser in some no man's land in her mouth for almost 2 months! I consider it a miracle, an answer to prayer and...a really interesting yet weird story to tell.

Tisha- here is my book "Heavenly Life" by James Allen I mentioned on your blog- I found the cover to be a cool back drop for the once missing eraser...

wits' end

This morning all lights were for me.

The moon was huge and it lit up the whole sky...and for some reason there must have been some energy aura thing going on between all the neighbors- because almost everyone in the neighborhoods I deliver papers to had their porch light on. It was kind of nice and cheery...and odd.

ok...so here is an interesting miracle- kind of a mysterious one actually:

oh and this post is mother stuff so it might bore some- but blood and foreign objects might catch some your attention-

review: almost 2 months ago Julia landed on a broken pencil and it lodged a good 3/4 inch into her mouth under the tongue-sort of to the right side. It was a horrific sight to see- protruding straight out of her mouth as she shook in tears. I pulled it out immediately. Her right side of mouth and face started to swell. A day later we took her to ER because she had a fever and her cheek was red and hot to the touch...infection....and so that was it supposedly...antibiotics did the trick and the doctors said it would heal with time.

I noticed just a couple weeks ago that her lower cheek under her chin still looks a little swollen- and then all of the sudden 4 molars, her top front tooth, and 2 canines all decided to teeth at the same time. She has literally been screaming and crying for 2 weeks now. It was like really screaming...and really annoying.

I finally took her into the doctors in fear of the dreadful ear infection- the doctor told me as we both scoped out Julia's mouth with the tongue press thingy, that Julia was severely teething and to load her up on Tylenol and Motrin...well as we looked at her mouth together I noticed the puncture wound where the pencil had entered. It was huge! And still very bloody. "Oh my gosh" I kind of yelled, "that is where the pencil went into her mouth" the doctor of course disagreed at first saying it was blood from teething-"No it isn't, trust me, that is exactly where the pencil went in, the swelling has finally gone down enough so you can see it" The doctor then took a closer look and pressed really hard on the wound- (Julia is screaming her head off by now) blood is starting to go everywhere. The doctor said that she was fine and that she isn't in pain from that but I should go to Primary Children's soon just to have it checked out...well ok...Primary Children's and it isn't serious??? whatever doctor lady. I need a good doctor. I can imagine the perfect doctor in my head but I can't seem to find her/him in real life anywhere.

Anyway since the doctor's, Julia got worse and worse. Motrin would work for an hour maybe. Tylenol was equivalent to water for a painkiller. Oral Gel was like weird and worked half the time for 10 minutes or so. Nursing killed Julia but she still tried- those teething herbal tablets weren't working miracles like they claim to do- the last couple nights before last night Julia screamed the entire night from 11:30 to 4:30. I thought I was going to puke. The only way we could get her to sleep was through the power of the priesthood. Chay and I were on our wits end. (Wits' end- what a funny phrase- I just googled it- it originates from the bible? That is interesting.)

Yesterday I fasted for Julia. We started to pray like crazy. She screamed all day yesterday. We then noticed despite all the little teeth starting to poke through her gums, her puncture wound abscessed (is that the right word?) it was growing, big, black, bubble and purple. It was pushing her tongue to the side. It was really quite disgusting. The amoeba blob of a thing seemed to originate and be circled about in a perfect circular hole...like maybe the circumference of a pencil?- it was just yucky. Well when it was time for bed the screaming persisted and I finally said, "Chay we need to give her another blessing." He was a little reluctant because every night he kept giving her blessing after blessing. Well I decided to nurse Julia while she was being blessed and during the blessing she started to kind of gag a little and then right when Chay closed his blessing with Amen all of the sudden this bloody gob of rubber came out of her mouth...

"what in the heck is this?...oh my gosh...it's an eraser Chay!" It was one of those erasers that you put on the end of a pencil over the existing eraser. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh where did that come from? We don't have any erasers like that in our house" we really don't. Julia immediately stopped crying and fell asleep. Chay grabbed the eraser and chucked it in the garbage. The perfect circle that was surrounding the yucky purple bloody thing was the bottom of the eraser????

what do you think?

Chay believes it to be impossible the eraser was lodged with the pencil and I do too-but how in the heck? She must have put it in her mouth and it somehow found its way into the puncture hole and then flesh started to grow over the top? All I know is that the priesthood blessing and fasting helped the bloody eraser emerge....is this just kind of funky story or what?

I am looking at Julia right now. She is playing for the first time without whimpering. She slept last night!!! Her owie still looks kind of spectacular so I will still take her to primary childrens today but still... this girl better mellow out as the years go by...

bed head please

Kenzie and Julia are so different...Kenzie loves mornings, loves to get up and see what the new day has to offer- Julia is a beast, screams at first eye sight, hates the sun...ok she probably doesn't hate the sun- just sounded fitting for the moment...she is actually really fun most of the time.

but love them both...

today

Today hundreds of people had American flags waving in their front yards...I was driving home from my route and...oh boy...my heart started to pound.

Where were you during 9/11? I was in Brasil. I was eating lunch at a members home when suddenly the father of the home storms through the door. He had left work just to see me. He comes through the door and runs into the other room and grabs their little TV and he practically slams it down on the kitchen table. He is fidgeting and nervous. He then says, "Sabe o que esta acontecendo no seu pais? Voce nao tem nenhuma idea nao eh?...Vou te mostrar que coisa horrível esta acontecendo agorina." Do you what is happening to your country? You have no idea do you? I will show you what horrible thing is happening at this very moment. He then turned on the TV and the first image I saw was a man in one of the World Trade Center towers waving a white table cloth from a burning window.

I love my country. I live next to an Air Force Base. The jets are so loud you can hardly have a conversation outside. They have woken up my girls from their naps more than once, but I don't care. I love it. My heart always races. It is a sound of safety and protection.

I have been watching 911 footage all morning on YouTube. It really was something horrific and planned. I couldn't help the tears. Our enemies attack us on our own ground...and we are a country of peace always searching for ways to unite the world- it wasn't even an act of revenge or retaliation- only hatred. It really amazes me...it really does...and for what it is worth- I really do support the war. Something had to be done. Maybe it hasn't been handled the best- but I know best efforts are being made- We always want to blame someone or something- I think it is a way to forget the horror of the real story that there are groups of people out there who want to harm us...anyway- I will stop before I start getting political. I am just grateful to be a citizen of this great country.

waiting

Here is a picture of Mom's flower garden...this is from this summer.

ok, well I am sure as time gets close there will be more and more posts like this one. That is ok right?

I really don't know how to handle my mom leaving me.

Yesterday it hit me really hard. I thought I was being so brave all along...I guess not.

I kind of had a hard week last week...just that everyday life kind of stuff we all deal with from time to time. Julia hasn't been sleeping at all at night and my health seemed a little jeopardized from the lack of sleep. I felt worn out and really just wanted a good conversation with Mom.

Now most of you know that my relationship with my mom is a little surreal...my roommates in college could never quite get it why I wanted to talk to my mom so often- until they met her. It is true I have always been very close to my mom. She is my friend. I can share every feeling and it is ok with her. She is understanding yet wise with her council. She never makes me feel bad when I make a poor choice- she only bears her testimony often and reminds me how much Heavenly Father loves me...I just always feel like she cares about me- and she listens to me...

Yesterday I called my mom...

It didn't seem like it was her on the other line. She was distant and her words were kind of scattered. She wasn't making sense. I instantly became a little upset. I don't know why I got upset but I became defensive and angry that she wasn't being "mom". After only 5 minutes she started to slur her words and she forgot what she was saying. My eyes filled up with tears. I finally said, "Mom, you're acting really tired, why don't I let you go so you can sleep" she replied, "Yes I am tired..." I tried to crack a joke about how Dad and her should try to sleep on her hospice bed together... and she didn't laugh...I can always make my mom laugh. She just remained serious. My heart ached a little as I longed to hear her contagious giggle...but it was gone. The tears were now coming down hard (kind of like right now) and I knew...I just knew my mom will never be the same again.

come back Mom....please...I need to talk to you. I need to tell you about my day. I need you to be proud of me...you are so good at being proud of me. No one really cares as much as you do about the little things- you always get so sincerely excited when I tell you about Mckenzie and Julia. I miss you. I miss you for all the selfish reasons right now. I love how confident I get when I am around you. You have always supported my talents...thank you for always believing in me. I miss our talks the most. It has been awhile since I have really talked to you...I better get used to the wait. I love you Mom.

and so...

it's that dreadful time of the year again...I won't be going to any stores with Kenzie for a good 2 months or so- until all that Halloween scary crap is gone...today I noticed at walgreens this 12 foot gory skeleton with blood dripping out of its mouth and...why? I mean really-

I can't blame Kenzie for being a little sensitive...because I am seriously going to be spooked out delivering papers in the dark as I tread through lawns with cemeteries, coffins, grim reapers, cob webs, hanging skeletons- I really hate Halloween. I just do. I am good at faking it though and I will get all happy and dressed up for the ward trunk and treat but...

on a brighter frugal side: I went to D.I. the other day and got a pile of children's books for $11...and they were good books. I found another retro 1970's church children's book. I now have 'Baptism' and 'I am a Child of God'. I love looking at those books- especially at the women's clothes and hair do's. I even found a book I had when I was little! Joette, remember the built in bookshelf by the step going into the living room at our old house? It was chuck full of children's books and I would sit there on the step and read them for hours. Kenzie is really starting to love story time...and the books we had were getting so lame. So now I am excited to go to D.I. ever so often and get books for the girlies...

the stake conference recap and venting session

So I feel what we learned today in Stake Conference is pretty blog worthy. Elder Kies? I think I spelled his name right spoke today on how we are over scheduling our lives and how our "busyness" is replacing spiritual experiences and growth in families. The interesting thing is that these exact thoughts have been on my mind lately...and as a primary presidency we were discussing this topic just a couple weeks ago. ...

Now that school has started up again our scout program in the ward has almost crumbled. Parents believe it is more important for their sons to play football than to stay up on their scouting. It used to be manageable for kids to do both sports and scouts but now that sports are getting all freaky and carried away these days, kids are deciding to do something good instead of doing what is better...Have you thought of the Scout Motto lately? "On my honor I will do my best...To do my duty to God and my country..." in the long run I think I would regret pushing emphasis on some brown ball than a church sponsored program that teaches principles about serving God and the community- it only makes sense.

Here are some of my notes from Elder Kies talk:

*We are waxing cold in our relationships
*We text message and email instead of calling or visiting our friends and family.
*As a generation we don't like to communicate because supposedly we are too busy.
*we are over scheduling our children's lives. He said, "Over scheduling is prompted by the adversary"
*Mothers were not meant to be taxi drivers
*Gospel principles are rarely taught at a soccer game
*by scheduling so many good things we schedule out the Lord
*Being busy is fashionably cool, we aren't as interesting in the world's point of view when we say, "I have nothing planned for Tuesday night, just staying home with the family"
*make it a priority your children are home for family home evening and dinner time.
*make it a priority your youth attend mutual activities (we never called it mutual)

Those are just some of the things I wrote down today...of course having your children involved in things is good but he warned us to listen to the Holy Ghost...and to maybe let your children choose one thing to excel in instead of 3-4 things....but I just want to vent on my feelings about this subject:

Seriously the expectations for kids and sports these days make me kind of confused sometimes. Practices are getting longer, kids are starting earlier, parents are screaming more competitive insane crap from the sidelines, tournaments are always on Sundays now...and now your kids are supposed to be in camps all summer long....no thank you. I have issues with sports- even as a high school athlete, I always promised myself I would never marry a man that would watch endless hours of sports on TV and especially Monday night football...I can't even begin to tell how many times I have thanked Chay for not being a TV sport junky. I couldn't handle it. A good game is fun to watch every now and then...but- to me sports teach some good things and it is good exercise and all but this huge push to be the best is just yucky to me- it is very western philosophy- but I won't go into that-

and what is up with this pre-school epidemic thing going on?- I mean we never had official pre-school growing up and I did just fine. My mom would teach us stuff and I remember Heather's mom, Pat, teaching us the Pledge of Allegiance as she waved this dinky 2 foot American flag but that was about it. Joette was so smart she skipped kindergarten- no pre-school for her either...sure kids like it but why push them away from home sooner than they have to? Maybe my mind will change...but I really don't feel like paying $50 bucks a month for something I can do with a couple other moms in the ward for free...a friend of mine is paying $100 a month for her child's pre-school. ouch!

and I was in Target the other day and I noticed "KinderMats" sleeping mats for kindergartners to sleep on- what???? It made me miss Kenzie just looking at them- just a couple years ago our school district turned kindergarten into full days...because there was such a high demand for it due to working mothers who couldn't work the schedule- What? My kid is not going to be sleeping on some hard floor when she can come home and do the same thing...I am already thinking of some alternative solutions...Chay is so patient with me- thank you Chay. I will figure this all out somehow and probably relax a little with time...

ok I am done. I am usually open minded but some things just don't go over all too smoothly with me-

ana julia

Why do little kids like repetition so much???? Ok so we have a new song we listen to a million times a day. Whenever we get in the car, "Ana Julia!!!" and "again mommy?"

whatever Kenzie- at least she picks somewhat cool songs to fall in love with. This was a favorite until it has been played over and over again...I guess it helps me stay up on my portuguese.



oh and this is really funny. Kenzie ran down the hall saying "I need to go poop, I don't want a rocket!" She was running towards the bathroom and she thought the door was open but it wasn't. It was very much closed. SMACK! Now that is funny I know- but the best part was how hard she laughed afterwords. I thought she was going to cry but she busted out in her hearty laugh (many of you know about her hearty laugh) oh what a funny moment...

rhythm makers

My drumming class is going well.

Basically what we do is learn African tribal beats and play them in a drum circle. Deja tells a little about the history behind each rhythm...right now we are learning KuKU which is what the men from a tribe in Mali play when the women are returning back to camp after fishing...who knew? It is all very neat. The whole learning experience, learning about African Culture, meditation through beat- and so forth. Everything in these certain tribal people's lives that is good, sad, bad, spiritual, all gatherings, hunts, feasts-is all reflected through a rhythm on their drums-

It seems like most of the beats we are learning are what men would drum. I asked Deja if she knew any beats the women would play. She explained that although it has evolved over the years, drumming was mainly done by the men. She then said, "Men were the primary drummers but the tribal men claim there would be no need to drum nor would there be a rhythm of life if there weren't any women for the women are the rhythm makers."

Don't you just love that?

life is good

It was like seriously 25 degrees colder this morning than it was 5 days ago. The minute September hits, the mornings get freeeezing. How do you do that September?

So fall is kind of here...isn't it- I guess it is exciting to see the seasons change-I sometimes get the butterflies when I think about the changes fall brings...the cold air, leaves, kids going to school, saying goodbye to summer...

I am however totally excited for fall fashion. Vain I know, but I love the jeans and sweater look- pea coats, socks, turtle necks, scarfs- you know- all those fun cozy "I want to snuggle and be warm" clothes.

anyway...Oh what a wonderful summer it has been. Nothing really remarkable happened and no huge exotic trips either- but I have this overall feeling of gratitude and happiness...and I can feel something kind of different inside me- can't really explain it... but it's kind of like the feeling you get when you see that same old house in your neighborhood that you drive by every day- and then one day you decide to visit the neighbor who owns the house and you suddenly realize how nice of neighbors they really are... and you notice how pretty their yard is and you can't help but notice that cute little rocking chair on the porch that you swear you've never seen before...you know, that kind of feeling.

Despite some of the ickies I have been dealing with lately, I can only feel peace and gratitude for the blessings in my life. Heavenly Father is once again working magic in my life... and I know He is mindful of me as I see His merciful love being manifested in all my many areas of life. Life is good.

flu you

So so so...blogging has been last on my list lately- I have been on motherload lately.

Julia, Kenzie and my dearest Chay all came down with something not pretty. Flu crap stuff like throwing up, fever, and puffy eyes- a lot of crying...but then again I have been loving Kenzie's ever so sweet and cuddly words, "Mommy hug-a me please"

"I would love to hug-a you"

Chay caught on fast too, "hug-a me too?"- So as it is evident, I was so very much needed these past few days.

But you know what? I didn't get too sick. I think the flu listened to me when I told it to get lost. I was up all night with Kenzie as she dealt with the pukes and then I went on my paper route without any sleep. I felt nauseous, wasted, and really not in the mood to deliver retarded newspapers so freaking early in the morning. But, I soon reminded myself of the insights I've been having lately about the power of thought and the choices we make- and so I forced a giggle out when I heard myself say, "Get lost Le Flu, I don't want you" and so when I would start to get queasy and a little green, I would repeat this mantra while practicing my Lamaze hypnobirthing breathing techniques...LOL I must sound so weird...I promise I'm really not - But deep concentrating breathing can do amazing things by the way...and yes, the paper route is breeding ground for much thought. Emily reminded me that I have had several jobs over the years that seem to welcome much thinking with little distraction-...but anyway so I didn't get very sick like the rest of the flu crew.

Kenzie is a "pee pee in the toilet" queen. She hasn't had one mess up since day 1. Now pooping in the toilet on the other hand classifies her lower than a peasant...LOL- poor thing you...but we still love her of course-

Kenzie refuses to poop. It scares her I suppose. Finally after 4 days we gave her a "rocket" (suppository) We first asked her if she wanted a rocket and of course she replied, "I want a rocket ship!" Well she doesn't like rockets anymore. The first rocket was an unsuccessful flight with no positive outcome (if you know what I mean)and the whole night Chay and I kept talking about the missing rocket and how on earth it didn't work. The next night we gave her rocket number #2. It was horrible and Kenzie's face was white with fear and pain. I kept reassuring her it was ok to poop...and so she did finally poop...and poop...and poop. 5 days worth to be exact.
So she got her purple bike from Walmart! She rides it with pooping pride.

Good Job Kenz.