just passionate

I finished up nursing Julia a couple weeks ago...and we moved the rocking gliding chair downstairs last night-

two events that of course brought tears to the eyes.

"I'm not unstable, I'm just passionate" ~Glenn Beck

I nurse my babies as long as I can. It is more about the touch, cuddle, holding, and snuggle than it is about the nutrition.

I can't say it's about the nutrition when I shove suckers and gold fish crackers in Julia's face so she can stop crying in the car.

And what really gets me is that my girls drive me nuts half the time...but I still feel that nursing is a miracle- so perfectly designed.

Julia is a very hard baby. Well she's not a baby- she is 19 months- but she is a very defiant bold loud energetic determined little girl. She screams so loud. I have done everything I could possible do to make her stop screaming but it doesn't work. She makes me cry because she is so impossible. Nursing was such a peaceful breakaway from the constant tantrums, losing her temper and throwing things out of anger. You think I am kidding? She is sweetheart half the time- but the other half...oh boy watch out. When she is mad I have to put her in the crib or she will hurt Kenzie and I. She swings right at your face. She takes cups and throws them off the table. When I put her in the crib she only hurts herself- by thrashing her head against the rails. It is quite the scene.

I remember my mom saying that her 4 children were equivalent to 12 children...and now I am starting to understand what she meant. Church is a nightmare. Kenzie resists going to primary. She cries and cries. Julia got kicked out of nursery last Sunday for the second time. Yes kicked out. The leaders came and gave her to me saying she won't stop crying. After 15 minutes of screaming they couldn't handle it anymore. I don't blame them.

I don't think I am cut out for this.

Anyway so nursing my babies is a beautiful way of connecting and pushing aside all the hard parts of mothering. A "love conquers all" type moment. That is why it hurts to quit.

The rocking chair- which is a piece of crap- practically falling apart- is so sentimental to me. I rocked Kenzie to sleep her first 2 years of life. We had a lot of precious times, songs, stories, conversations in that chair. Julia I didn't rock so much in the chair only because of course she didn't like it. But I learned to nurse her on that chair. Yes, I have had to learn to nurse each of my babies- my first 2-4 weeks of nursing is an absolute hell- but there have been many times that I have held Julia for a good 2-4 minutes on that chair without her freaking out and I think I have read through maybe 2 books with her on that chair- she normally rips the book up or throws it down out of boredom. Nonetheless the chair means a lot to me. Moved it out last night- it just gobbles up so much space in their little room. weep weep.

I really love my children. I feel a lot of guilt most of the time but I just adore their littleness and who they are. Sometimes I feel like I am sucking out their potential and hindering what "might have been" if they were in a different home- with a different mom.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser when I read other mom's blogs. I have been tempted to stop blogging and stop reading other blogs because I just get so wrapped up in what other mom's are doing and what I'm not doing.

Last night I had a breakdown- I was feeling the weight of everything I am supposed to be. I am surrounded by women who are so confident and can handle so much. I suck at being a homemaker. No, I really do. I try. I try all the time- but it does not come natural for me. But I feel so much pressure to be this super woman. I was venting on Chay about all the things I feel responsible for and it opened his eyes I think...

Sometimes I think this is all a big freaking joke. A mean joke. "Let's see how inadequate we can make April feel."

oh, this is totally not mom blog worthy. I am breaking all the rules. Maybe I should leave a quote about being optimistic or something.

How's this:





Being passionate really blows my life out of proportion. I feel every little thing. Sadness, guilt, happiness, sorry, peace -Mom used to always tell me that "much heartache comes to those who feel too much"... maybe I need to relax. Maybe I need prozac.