april unplugged- beware

I wish I had more of a back bone...Although I tend to have a strong opinion about things- I'm really a softy when it comes right down to it. I might harp and complain about being mistreated- but those who know me well enough- know to read right through it and rarely take my feelings all too seriously.

I'm more mad at myself than anyone for being this way.

I have a hard time deciding what's most important in my life. Well obviously God is...but I guess trying to figure out what He knows is best for me is where I struggle.

I am learning that I can focus really well on one thing at a time...but 3 or 4 things? I'm a complete mess. I was a really good student at the end of my college career, because I only worried about myself and all other areas of my life beside school were always falling apart it seemed. But my last semester in college I landed a 4.0, aced my finals despite early labor pains, and welcomed Kenzie into the world the very next day.

I think the most sane part of my life was during my stay at the Missionary Training Center in Sao Paulo, Brazil. For the first time in my life, every minute of my day was planned for me. I knew when I was going to study, go to class, eat, sleep, even write in my journal-. Food was provided by the cafeteria so eating seconds was out of the question. Gym time was 3-4 times a week. I went to bed at 9:30 every night, I was studying the scriptures and having many spiritual experiences, I was with lovely people all day...I remember just feeling so whole and complete. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, I was on a rigid schedule, and I was so so very content.

Sometimes I wish an angel would appear every morning and tell me exactly what to do each day.

I don't know how to budget very well and getting out of debt seems like the impossible dream. Eating healthy and getting my family on board...again the impossible feat. Being a proactive parent, finishing projects- each one of these things take ALL of me. I don't know how to divide up the day. I am a complete mess. And honestly, I am alone in all these efforts. So another thing on my to-do list: get family members to somehow feel the same way as I do about certain family goals.

If I just concentrate on one goal- the rest of my life would go to shambles. Yet when I concentrate on more than one goal...my life goes to shambles. And I get frustrated with myself and I just want a spoonful of marshmallow cream and hide under the covers all day.

I try to figure out what is most important....most days I swear it is health...but then when it's time to buy groceries or pay for my gym membership I start to think that getting out of debt is more important...or when I drop my girls off at the gym daycare and they scream bloody murder I start to think that I need to spend more quality time with my kids. I hear those words of guilt, "They are only young once" I walk into the house and see it's a mess and how it needs new carpet and then I start to say that the home is the most important and that I need to focus on saving money to fix it up and follow a cleaning schedule...I can not function if there isn't any function. I go crazy. If the house is out of order, I am out of order- checked out in a flurry. I need a place for everything- and yet I am always dealing with piles and backed-up "to-do" lists and too much clutter.

going to the gym, eating healthy, budgeting, order in the home, being a good mom and wife- these things do not come easy for me- they're all so life consuming. I so wish that I was normally healthy and strong, mothering came easy with all the perfect words of kindness, that money wasn't always such an issue, organization was second nature- I wish I had these things already in tack so I could enjoy the better part of life- to just sit down and make something, go on a hike, call up a friend and hang out- without feeling overwhelmed about how I can't find anything, how tired I am, how slow I am at learning new things.

Every day I wake up feeling overly stressed about the day because every little task is so hard. Even getting out of bed puts me in a bad mood. I hurt everywhere in the morning.

Sometimes these frustrations get me really moody and I feel like I'm ready to explode. I feel I just give give give and fulfil everyone's needs but mine- and then I feel selfish for thinking so.

Sometimes I am sick of being the supportive one, the one willing to change, the patient one, the strong example, the motivator, the bill payer, the budgeter, the cook, the advisor, the house cleaner, the teacher...sometimes I just want to do things for just me...but I feel the load is too essential to give up and all will crumble if I become too lenient. But if I was to do something just for me, I already know I wouldn't be able to figure out what it is I need to do for myself! I know serving others is supposed to make me happy???? AHHHHH I feel like I do that all day! I know its a privilege to be a mother and wife, but I can't figure out the balance.

I think throwing off the guilt plague might help a lot. Anyone have a vaccine/remedy?

Growing up I didn't dream of that perfect wedding or holding children. I didn't care about making bread from scratch or sewing curtains. Now I think about these things...and unfortunately I'm a little behind. The desire is there but the skills are lacking.

It makes me sad. I feel trapped with my feelings. I am so tired. I know I'm not right physically. How can I handle everyday life if it's painful to walk and I'm exhausted.

I really wish I could go to a 2 week recapture health place...a place to detox, sleep, exercise...a place where kids aren't begging for toast and butter and peanut butter jelly sandwiches. A place where husbands don't eat pizza and oreos for dinner. A place of solitude and escape from every day life. I don't even want people I know to be at this place. A place where I wake up and no one needs me- no meals to cook, no groceries to buy, no books to check out or return, no story time, no night's sleep interupted, no paper route, no bills to pay, no lesson to teach, no laundry to fold, no time-outs or sending girls to the corner, no arguments, no whining, no tight uncomfortable clothes, no butts to wipe, no house to fix up, no calendar, no motorcycles, no sugar, no matching socks or missing shoes to find, no counters to wipe, no feelings of being used or taken advantage of, no worrying ...just for 2 weeks...maybe 3 weeks.

I think I need a break.

I think I just need to go to bed.