flowrider

...a slight difference in Elders Quoram activities verses Relief Society's-
but then again Chay is the president so maybe that's why-

...I landed a whole set of cabinets and counter tops for free today on KSL! The counter tops are brand new and the cabinets are a little dated but not bad- maybe I will paint them -but now I can have a nifty laundry/storage room someday-

One good thing about living in a place infested with millions of people- there are great deals on craigslist and KSL. My whole basement is furnished with free furniture and we bought 1 year old whirlpool washer and dryer for $250 for the set! ok so I love a good deal- never buy anything for full price....never

oh and I burnt popcorn tonight...really bad- the bag was almost on fire and the whole downstairs smells horrible. I can never pop microwavable popcorn just right- but tonight I really blew it- I forgot I was even popping popcorn until I smelled the smoke...so ok...

free rice

If you want to do a little service to those in need and to yourself click on this website: www.freerice.com

Test your vocab skills and every word you get right they donate 20 grains of rice to the hungry. It is so addicting.

www.snopes.com verifies that it's true! Click here and read for yourself.

So if you love a word challenge and if you love rice and you love service...here you go-

thanks joell

some days are long-

This whole blog thing is great- but it takes time away from journal writing- and in a sense I really don't want the whole world to read about my sob stories and the irrational thinking I get every now and then-

Sometimes when I read through my blog entries I pretend I am someone who just came across my blog for the first time and has no clue who I am- and the impression I get is "fairytale life" which isn't always the case- not at all- but it isn't like I want people to know I had a melt down one day and was ready to drive away and never come back home- see? That is irrational thinking and it goes away in 10 minutes or so- so yeah- something I would write in a journal to release some energy- not something to post online for in-laws to read- they think I am pretty normal I think. If I threw a cup at the window today because I was so mad and wrote about it on my blog, Chay's family would be lovingly concerned and probably stunned and probably never forget it. Every time they'd see me they would picture a cup flying through the air- My family on the other hand would just say, "one of those days hunh" So did I really throw a cup at the window or am I just speaking hypothetically to prove a point???? hmmmmmm

Writing has always been therapeutic for me- it is very easy for me to express feelings through writing. Sometimes when I talk to certain people I get nervous, intimidated, afraid I am boring them, and I stumble over my words- I sometimes can't even articulate what I am trying to say- but writing has been my friend. My mom has always been an avid journal writer. I remember every Sunday we would eat homemade donuts or scones and write in our journal around the table. Thanks Mom

There is really no plot or reason for this entry- I am just kind of enjoying the quiet house. I had a rough day today and so I have been doing some major reflecting lately. I was going to write about it but then thought I would probably feel better in the morning and then there would be a whole slew of people who would either disagree with my upsets or feel they need to give me advice- or whatever-

Do you guys ever have bad days? Do you get irritated easily? Do you have a hard time getting things done? Do you play around on the computer or watch TV instead of doing work? Do you put off doing things because getting them started would be a chore with kids around? Do you worry that you are parenting all wrong? Do any of you cringe at hearing your kids cry? From what I hear and read I just don't think you guys deal with the same things I do- ok I am tired- I am rambling and I just need to go to bed- last night Julia got up every 2 hours with poo streaks and gas again...she is so unpredictable. Having Julia cry so much has been one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever dealt with besides my mom being sick- she is a lot better and I can't believe she is almost 4 months- it has been the longest 4 months...she is so hard to figure out. She is a doll- and I am loving her coos and her precious smile- but I feel helpless, out of control, tired, unprepared, fear

If I was rich I would seriously pay someone to come and stay for a couple weeks and help me get everything on track- but then again I would be prideful and fight against a good thing so it probably wouldn't work-

ok good night for reals

i need a break

ok to all you parents who have toddlers sleeping 2-3 hours for their naps- not fair- I can't remember Mckenzie taking a nap longer than an hour and half- and most days they are 45 minutes to an hour tops- is it because she is sleeping too long at night? Why?

4 years

so I'm sure most of you will be too busy awing over perfect pie and that heap of mash potatoes on your plate...but today is a great day to be extra thankful...today Chay and I have been married for 4 years.

4 years- 4 wonderful years- we are basically still newly weds. I really don't have any profound extra wisdom...or remarkable advice to share- all I know is that Chay still takes my breath away and I am so grateful I have him by my side to venture with through this life.

Why I love Chay:

He is simple, funny, caring, protective, handy, loving. He has a smile to die for and he is Mckenzie's bestest friend. Whenever I open the back door to throw out a stinky diaper in the garbage she runs as fast as she can thinking her Dad has just walked through the door, "Daddy!!!!" I have to politely remind her "Your daddy is still at work"

Chay loves me. He is committed to us.

Chay is humble. He is easily taught. He is always taking notes at church, firesides when reading the Ensign- I find little pieces of paper all over the house with his writing- notes of how to become a better person. He listens to my opinion.

Chay loves simple things. He laughs easily- He is entertained by cartoons, animals, anything with wheels, tools... sometimes I watch him and just smile because he just glows...He is who he is...nothing made up or fake about him. He is the first to talk to a new neighbor. He says I look hot when I'm angry. He rewired the cable lines outside our house in bare feet and all can I say to myself is, "dang I got lucky"

Usually when someone gets woken up at night true colors emerge but this is one thing that truly convinces me how good of a person Chay really is- he is so nice in the middle of the night! He is soft, sweet, patient regardless of how tired he is. I am ready to blow up at any moment and here is Chay as sweet as can be- even rubs my back when I get back into bed for the 5th time-

Chay isn't my other half nor I his- We are just trying each day to help one another see and reach our wholeness.

Together we go through joy, spiritual experiences, pain, upsets, raising children, trials, long days, adventures, hopes, heartaches, life...all which molds us, forms us, strengthens us for our posterity, for our eternities-

Happy Anniverary to us!

BubbleShare: Share photos - Print Christmas Coloring Pages.

I feel like I should write a new post but I really don't have anything to say. I mean I always have something to say...just ask Chay. I don't have conversations too often so if you get me talking...oh my- not good- and I know half the things I am saying is just random and so not interesting but that is what happens when you don't talk to anyone but babies all day.

I just want to sleep. It is 9 o'clock and I think I am going to bed. Doesn't that sound nice? Going to bed actually scares me a little because the nights are so hard- Julia has been waking up every hour -she is still in pain and she has been passing a ton of gas- Kenzie has these night terror things where she screams bloody murder. We go into her bedroom to comfort her or whatever and she will swing at us and scream in our face. I guess from what I read on night terrors- just ignore her because she will think we are attacking her if we touch her...crazy....whatever Mckenzie

so the nights are long-
I am looking forward for Thanksgiving- pumpkin!!!! I love anything with pumpkin- I think I will make something with pumpkin (not pie) tomorrow for the heck of it- Kenzie loves to sit on the counter and cook with me- alright good night.

night night

Kenzie loves to write what she is grateful for...her little markings and delicate care when she writes is pretty impressive...however Chay and I aren't too sure how grateful we are for the gratitude jar- once we take the pen away from mckenzie she goes ballistic- so all in all we look forward to the tradition when she gets a little older- we forget to do it sometimes- and sometimes it's a hassle with grouchy kids- but I'm sure it is worth it- of course it is

hold them close

last night Chay and I stayed up late to finish a movie on TV- it was probably rated R but was somewhat edited for television. It was Tears of the Sun- about the civil genocides/ethnic cleansing that is happening in Africa and how a few US soldiers decided to go against orders to save refugees. Half of the soldiers died. It was very emotional for me to witness how barbaric people can be and to see innocent beautiful families murdered or torn apart from each other- children...oh the children. Nothing puts a tear in my eye quicker than anything that has to do with mothers loosing their children or being separated from them in a brutal way- oh I just can't take it! Only moms can truly understand the feeling.

At the end of the movie a quote presented itself across the screen "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke

pretty amazing-

Some people think it is wrong to watch movies like this- I watched Saving Private Ryan on TV once and my shirt was wet from my tears. My heart was full of remorse, love, sadness, gratitude for my life- grateful to live in the United States. That movie made a huge impact on my life- I will always hold the US army at the highest regards- the personal lives of the soldiers are easily overlooked until you watch a movie that takes you right into the battle scenes- right into the lives of each boy fighting- it was powerful.

Last night after the movie, Chay and I talked a little about how incredibly horrible it would be to lose Mckenzie or Julia. I was very emotional- the movie made me reflect on other people's suffering- I finally said to Chay- the only way I could mentally handle such suffering is to completely trust Heavenly Father's plan- I would wither up without that knowledge...

We walked upstairs and all I wanted to do was hold Kenzie tight in my arms...so I did. I took her out of her bed and snuggled with her in our bed until I fell asleep. All four of us close together...it felt good.

temple

I must be pretty toxic because this whole detox thing has been harder than I ever imagined. Chay and I eat so different that it becomes inconvenient and tempting to push aside his fluffy white bread. Plus Tami brought over 3 loaves of the most delicious homemade bread- ahhhh. These past 2 weeks were more of an awareness time for me- to kind of sit back and scope out my habits- plus I feel so dragged down from the lack of exercise and sugar- it is hard to get motivated. I need a plan.

I look forward to feeling good more than loosing weight. Gaining health is much more appealing to me than loosing weight. So I have MS...supposedly it can develop into a debilitating disease. I basically just pretend I don't have it but every now and then I will have little reminders- Little jolts of shocks down my legs, vibrations in my lower back and butt, sudden pains in weird places, intense stiffness in my joints- sometimes I wish I could spray some WD-40 on my joints- it feels like I am going to snap! They say forgetfulness and fatigue are symptoms...yes! I have an excuse for my spaciness!

I am really just fine. I feel blessed I don't have major exacerbations all the time and that I can live each day normally. I really had no intention whatsoever to write about MS- but I think angels are taking over my thoughts which sometimes happens when I write...Heavenly Father wants me to take better care of my body and he is telling me why right now.

body beautiful
housing for the soul
good night

smile

My choice of food is broccoli and Chay's is either Dots candy or Swedish Fish(gummy candy for those who aren't familiar)

We both go to the dentist. Chay has 0 cavities....I have 9.

So I went today without a smile. poke, drill, numb

not really that fair- not really fair at all...

and why do dentists talk to you and ask questions when they have 20 tools in your mouth?

Michael Scott "What's your dentist's name?"
Dwight: "Crentist"
Michael: "Your dentist's name is Crentist? - sounds an awful lot like dentist."

Dwight: "Maybe that's why he became a dentist"

cousins

So Friday night I watched 4 kids age 2 and under...oh imagine that? It was actually quite ok despite the 1 wet and 3 poopy diapers, Casen falling off Kenzie's bed, a couple fights over Clayton's trains, and puzzle pieces being scattered all over the house-

By the time Jeff and Tami showed up I was sweating from running around so much. Sometimes it can be so refreshing to the soul to spend time with little ones. They are so full of life and interested in everything. My favorite part was entertaining them at the counter- I was making them laugh with my sillyness- and feeding them cheese at the same time-




It was a fun night with the cousins. Come again!

gratitude

Family home evening was pretty typical...Kenzie was tired and cried through most of it. But I was excited regardless- I made a special little gratitude box out of our honey roasted peanuts can-

Kenzie was grateful for puppies. I was grateful for Chay's sense of humor and Chay was grateful for my yummy breaded parmesan chicken I made tonight...of course he would say that. What do you know...I feel kind of grateful! I am going to appreciate this new little tradition. good night.

my anti-depressant

what a great month- November. A time to think about gratitude and all our many many blessings.

My sister has a blessing book- or at least I know she used to- where before sleeping she would write down her blessings. It always sounded like a cute and sweet idea. I personally like the idea of writing anything down in a really unique cool journal only found at Barnes and Nobel or such a place- but I never thought writing down my daily blessings to be important enough to do it for myself.

try it- it works miracles.

Mckenzie is almost 2 and yes I still hold her in the glider until she falls asleep. Just something mostly wonderful we share together. I am sure it is inconvenient but I choose to look at it as my little one on one moments with her. I treasure it to be honest- I love touching her soft skin and hugging her- it also gives me time to breathe deep, pray, meditate, and count my blessings...and before I know it Mckenzie is fast asleep.

Sometimes I have to force myself to be grateful- and that is usually when I am in a bad mood. But isn't it crazy how therapeutic it really can be? My mood literally changes and there seems to be a hundred things to smile and laugh about.

Gratitude is my anti-depressant.


**this calendar is from Pottery Barn- I love everything from this store- anyway I have heard of this tradition before and I want to start it tonight at Family Home Evening. Of course I don't have this adorable pocket calendar- maybe I could make it one day or buy it- ok...probably not- but the tradition goes like this: each day of the month each family member writes down what they are thankful for and put it in a jar or a cute calendar or something- then on Thanksgiving get them out and read them. Keep the pieces of paper and use them in your scrapbook with your thanksgiving pictures- or put them in your journal.

Here is a quote from President Hinckley I will start Family Home Evening off with tonight:


"Be grateful. There are two little words in the English language that perhaps mean more than all others. They are “thank you.” Comparable words are found in every other language, such as gracias, merci, danke, obrigado, domo.

"The habit of saying thank you is the mark of an educated man or woman. With whom is the Lord displeased? He names “those who confess not his hand in all things” (D&C 59:21). That is, those who walk without grateful expression. Walk with gratitude in your hearts, my dear friends. Be thankful for the wonderful blessings which are yours. Be grateful for the tremendous opportunities that you have. Be thankful to your parents, who care so very much about you and who have worked so very hard to provide for you. Let them know that you are grateful. Say thank you to your mother and your father. Say thank you to your friends. Say thank you to your teachers. Express appreciation to everyone who does you a favor or assists you in any way.

Thank the Lord for His goodness to you. Thank the Almighty for His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, who has done for you what none other in all this world could do. Thank Him for His great example, for His tremendous teachings, for His outreaching hand to lift and help. Think about the meaning of His Atonement. Read about Him and read His words in the New Testament and in 3 Nephi in the Book of Mormon. Read them quietly to yourself and then ponder them. Pour out your heart to your Father in Heaven in gratitude for the gift of His Beloved Son.

Thank the Lord for His marvelous Church restored in this great season of history. Thank Him for all that it offers you. Thank Him for friends and loved ones, for parents and brothers and sisters, for family. Let a spirit of thanksgiving guide and bless your days and nights. Work at it. You will find it will yield wonderful results." Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Prophet’s Counsel and Prayer for Youth,” Ensign, Jan 2001,

joette little unknown

a must read- joette took my tag challenge and then made me cry because of it. I love my sister. I miss her. Sometimes I swear she is the only person who gets me. Click on the link below- "joette's blog" and enjoy getting to know joette a'gene a little better.

joette's blog

detox

ok well I have had enough-

I have a sensitive body and I have been treating it poorly. I feel cloudy, weak, drained and so not together.

Lately bad food has been my friend. Whenever I am bored or anxious or the kids are crying and I can't seem to take it I go straight to the fridge or cupboards for some emotional support. Oh tortilla chip please take me away to a different place...

anyone relate? well the whisperings get louder and it is time to not ignore it anymore...I need to get back on track with my health. I have had too many priesthood blessings warning me about this that I just can't ignore it anymore. Oh it is so hard.

I have a baby blues butt...you know what I mean- dealing with the big change of motherhood can play a number on the body and emotionally it always leads me to numb it all out with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches- (an all time favorite)

so today is November 1. What a great day to start it all- For me it isn't a lifestyle change as much as it is an emotional change which means to dig down to the core of my overeating stay at home mommy syndrome-... - so it is more of figuring out why I eat when I am not particularly hungry and then filling up my day with goals, work around the house, projects, scripture reading- instead of filling up my mouth with granola bars and cereal.

Heavenly Father will help...eating throughout the day is kind of a state of numbing for me-I just kind of want to ignore real life sometimes and not deal with it- also I kind of get lost to what I should do each day- bored because I am not prepared. Do you ever get the itching for something to eat when you aren't hungry and just feel like munching? Well I do and basically it's a hole we're trying to fill- either chemically, hormonally, emotionally, spiritually,- the same goes with other things...spending money/shopping for no reason etc...it is interesting to explore...our holes...and how we attempt to fill them...and we all know only Christ can make us truly whole. Take away hole for whole...ok back to my original point- sorry it is late and so I tend to ramble when I am tired.

ok so here I go. First step to detox is getting rid of all sugar besides fruit and cutting out wheat. Sorry any hardcore traditionalists out there- I know "wheat is for man" but wheat and mostly white flour can be a drug to me- very addicting and so heavy. I always feel gross after I eat it but yet I always want more...

I weigh let's see 167 and my goal is to get down to my old pre-julia weight 140 or at least fit into my old jeans the way I used to. Yes you all know my weight- but you are half the motivation. I tell you then suddenly I have a crowd and I always played the best basketball games when the crowd was excited and supportive. I will check in daily. The first 2 weeks are always the hardest- my body will crave ickies for awhile- but it is kind of like labor- hard yet you know it will all be worth it.

I will however have pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving- that is an obvious.

about me

ok so I was supposedly tagged by Marne- cyber tagged- didn't know there was such a thing...but I guess I'm it. I was tagged to share some little known facts about me...it was fun in the making.

1. ok I love to throw things away...it is weird but just cleaning out the fridge or a closet and just chucking things out left and right can give me the biggest adrenalin rush- I love to dejunk even though I am still messy- someday...someday

2. I hate large spaces. I do not really like the ocean. It is too big for me. It is pretty and all but just so massive that I almost feel uncomfortable instead of relaxed like most when on the beach. I used to have nightmares that I was in a huge wheat field where all I could see was wheat for miles- as far as the eyes could see in every direction- with no mountains, no cars, no streets- oh that just overwhelms me. I like borders, limits, edges, boundaries, mountain ranges.

3. I like to read the tabloids. I just get fascinated with famous people and their gossip- isn't that retarded? although I have never bought a people magazine or what have you- but I will admit I like to read them while waiting in line at the grocery store. I guess I get interested in lifestyles completely different than my own...

4. I love to eat...but I am not a junk food junky for the most part although lately I have been- that is a different story- but I just absolutely love to eat healthy- it is not hard for me to eat like we should- it is just expensive and time consuming but I get so dang excited when I have peas, brown rice, chicken, almonds, fish, tons of vegetables, garlic and onions all lathered on top of a pile of romaine lettuce. It is like my body says a big thank you because I feel good and it tastes soooo good to me.

5. I crave functionality. I love house plans- I love to look at them and see if they are practical and functional. When my companion sprained her ankle on my mission we had to sit in our house for 2 weeks. I designed the perfect house plan. It was so fun. I should have been an architech- I don't think I could pass the math. I feel so out of whack if I don't have function- that is probably why I am so out of whack- I can't seem to get things down to a system- but I crave it nonetheless-I hate clutter-unless it's books. Chay thinks it is weird how I put away the toaster everyday. I don't like any kitchen appliance on my counter tops.

5. Pet Peeves: Pen marks on skin- so if you have a pen and not paper do not write a phone number on your hand when I am around. I cringe. I hate it. I hate touching retail store dressing room tags- especially at Ross- they are slimy and so used yuck-I hate being home alone but I like being alone at home- As long as Chay is somewhere in the house. But I like my space- I hate going barefoot- or shoeless. I can't stand it when little particles of somethings stick to my feet. I don't like it when I am talking to someone and there is someone in the room with a louder voice than me- I can't concentrate. Iceberg lettuce in salads, loose hairs on the shower wall or floor of bathroom- oh sick, being late, kids crying, Kenzie waking up early from nap...

6. I like Trivia, facts, the news, history, taking tests (not math), crosswords- I'm horrible, peach crisp (with oats)...and owen wilson- know one can make me laugh more. ok there you go

Joette- I triple dog tag you...

her visit

we miss gamma already...

Kenzie went downstairs today and looked for grandma. I guess she didn't understand the whole airport thing today- she was so upset that her shoe fell off in the car that she didn't grasp the concept that grandma was going back home.

My mom is alive to teach me many things. She pretends she doesn't have cancer but her body reminds her otherwise. She helped me so much these past 2 weeks. She got me motivated to organize and dejunk a little. She didn't think she was doing much because she didn't manhandle everything but I kept telling her that watching the kids for me while I worked was the biggest help of all- don't you mothers out there agree? She did my laundry and dishes- and even cleaned my bathroom.

My mom loves my children. She sings to them, plays with them, baths them- and even disciplines them-

It is amazing how we have choice. My mom gets discouraged- this I know- but she is still a fighter- filled with love, hope, and charity. She just doesn't give up. Whenever I spend time with her I am reminded of her incredible faith and how I have so much to be grateful for. I am thankful for her visit.

ju ju & kenzie

BubbleShare: Share photos - Here comes Halloween!

halloween

People can be just... so disconnected sometimes. This holiday is just down right freaky. I can deal with pumpkins, hay bails, and dress up- but when your neighbor has a 10 foot Grim Reaper on his roof with his 15 foot scythe in hand you know there's got to be something wrong.

It was at Smith's grocery store that really did it for me- about a month and half ago we made a trip to Smith's to get milk or something. I parked our grocery cart in front of the cashier stands so I could dig through my diaper bag. I was in search of my wallet or a coupon I can't remember but...I noticed Kenzie was staring without a blink at this Halloween decoration which was a life size fake man sitting on a pile of candy with his eyes tightly shut. Kenzie was studying him out wondering if the man was real or not. She leaned in closely when suddenly the man's eyes pop open- and if that's not bad enough- he then goes about to rip his head off his shoulders- Happy Halloween oh my gosh!- Kenzie turned white and didn't say a word and then three seconds later turned beet red and just screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. Huge tears dripped down her cheeks as she covered her eyes with her small hands. She demanded me with open arms to get her out of that shopping cart and hold her tightly. Which I did of course. I held her with all my might and kept saying, "I know Halloween is insane, that was just freaky, I'm here for you Kenz" After we got in the car she went silent for once after crying for a good 15 minutes. She then didn't say a word or make a peep for 2 hours afterwards. I was worried sick about her. That night Chay gave her a blessing of comfort.

If it is scary to children then maybe it should be for us too. Put it all away please. Take down your ridiculous mummy's and skeletons in your front yards, your machetes, axes, bloody swords, Grim Reapers, and your bloody tombstones- I don't like it and either does my daughter.

People just turn numb and become so stupid this time of the year. Now imagine me saying this instead of just reading this- with my eyes open wide "People are insane during Halloween!"

Today we drove through a beautiful well kept neighborhood. It was enjoyable to say the least because of the Fall colors and such but then it was all ruined when we drove past a house that had a mummy in the front yard stabbing something dead under a bloody sheet. I immediately thought "Is that honestly a Halloween decoration? Did someone actually take the time to set this up in their front yard as a way to celebrate? Is this for real?" It was worse than watching CSI. I bet that is where they got the idea. It is like once a year Halloween gives people the permission to be literally messed up. I mean do people actually giggle and sing songs when they are draping dismembered body parts all over their trees? Do they reminice about fond memories when they are setting up "Headless Harry" with an ax stabbed through his heart? a little quirky I'd say-

Love casteth out all fear- If you crave being scared or crave scaring others than maybe you should question yourself...because if love casteth out all fear than fear must cast out all love....don't want to go there.

So besides the scary icky stuff, teeth rotting insulin sky rocketing from candy overload, the ok on girls dressing immodestly because it is part of their so-called "costume", the wasted money spent on costumes and candy, and the ridiculously horrid haunted houses... Halloween could be ok I guess if you feel like carving a pumpkin or two and dunking for an apple...but honestly it is one holiday we can all do away with.

tonight

Tonight I went to our stake center for a leadership meeting. A little girl opened the front door for me. Sounds of basketballs bouncing on the gym floor and kids running up and down the halls really made it a pleasant experience for me. I walk down the hall and pass a room where several young women were sitting together. The leader of the girls had just stood up in front of them and said, "welcome to young women's" I just smiled as I kept walking and searching for my meeting.

Sometimes the simplest things touch me the greatest...like walking through the halls of our stake center tonight. The building was full and busy- with almost every room filled with saints who were taking a little refuge break from the storm on a Wednesday night. It was a good place to be- I feel grateful.

my gifts

So I turned 28 on Saturday...another year has flown by.

Birthdays are great invitations to reflect life. I am a reflector. Can you tell? It is a gift. One of my many gifts.

So Joette got me amazing Chacos- I recommend them to everyone. Sandals that feel like running shoes. Chay surprised me with a flip down TV/CD/DVD player for the kitchen. He also framed Kenzie and Julia's hand prints- it was quite the struggle to convince Kenzie to put her hand into the tile grout and Julia is still so small she didn't want to open her hand up all the way- but that is what I love so dearly about the messy hand prints--Chay's loving effort to make it special for me. He also made me a CD of Regina - a new artist I discovered. thank you Chay. Jill made me lunch, many cards, phone calls of course, Tara made me a clock, Tami babysat, Emily got me the coolest dang measuring cups in the world, mom and dad are driving down to see me!.....thank you- I feel valued and special in people's lives.

Great gifts.

Now a gift to me from me...valuing myself.


I am trying to dive into a self actualization authentication realization phase in my life- I am searching for myself as I give and serve my life away to my family. I am wanting an overnight change. I am a true victim of instant gratification- it is chiseled into my personality and it is hard to smooth out- but I am learning slowly I suppose the simple yet difficult concept of how with "small things great things come to pass"- I have to tell myself out loud, "April, small steps...simplify...watch out don't get overwhelmed" I know there is so much for me to receive out there- more happiness, knowledge, accomplished goals, peace- I just have to take one day at a time and do the best I can.

So for my birthday I decided to reflect on my gifts as a way of inviting the spirit and being grateful to my Heavenly Father for who I am--what I am made of. I am also grateful for my faults for they too are invites to change and grow- but I dwell on those far too often and they get me down far too much so maybe later....

My gifts:

my imagination
play my feelings out on the piano
writing
analytical and critical thinker
singing
touching and holding my children often
speaking and giving talks
feel for others- words of comfort
creativity
passion for music, gospel, people, nature, children, art, truth

many more I am sure...but these seem to be pretty evident to me right now.

happy birthday to me

backyard bliss

Our little backyard makes me smile. There are some advantages to living in an old neighborhood...the trees are huge and tall and of course the virginia vines on every fence. The leaves are starting to turn red and fall.- Fall always reminds me of change and preparedness for a new time in life...so it inspires me to keep positive and to keep looking forward.

Nothing is better than watching Kenzie just enjoy simpleness. Childhood is grand you know? This summer she went out to the backyard one morning to play in the dirt and so I followed her...wanting to feel what a child feels...to discover and smile...and it wasn't long before I was running through the sprinklers and enjoying the sun. thank you mckenzie....thank you


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expiration

I think the renewal is starting to expire...

Isn't it funny how conference doesn't change you permanently? I know this from experience and from dwelling on how righteous change occurs in my life.

I felt so good this weekend after feeling the spirit for 2 days in a row but I knew the feeling would only last so long and I would return to my old self again. When I hear the choir sing or hear Elder Eyring get emotional I hear myself saying, "I want to feel like this forever...my family is the most important thing in the world to me...I never want to get upset again at Chay or Kenzie...I'm going visiting teaching tomorrow" Do you think this way when you hear conference? Everything seems so surreal...like I am floating on a cloud when I listen to conference. But then the TV gets turned off and a kid starts to whine or whatever and then...well real life sets in again and of course because of the spirit I am gentle and loving to the whole family...for about a day...and then I start to lose that feeling...anyone relate?

I thought to myself "maybe I will take favorite quotes from conference and have Kinko's print them out on 5 feet by 3 feet card stock and I will post them on every door and wall of my house...or maybe I should just buy the conference cd's and have them play all day long...then I will remember the feeling I had at conference" not very reasonable I know...

It is the Savior who can literally change us. Obviously there are a million things out there that help aid our faith and growth like general conference...but it is Him who makes the real change- who can make the change last...the great atonement. Thank goodness we have conference as an invite to discover Christ in our lives-

Well it is worth contemplating and praying about...a lot of growing and knowing to do.

the renewal

Nothing seems to be more refreshing than conference weekend.

I remember the days growing up- we would dress up and head to the stake center for the day. We would pack a lunch and eat with the rest of the stake who didn't have the privilege of cable in their home. Of course I complained during the long talks as we sat in the dark chapel for 20 hours it seemed. I always fell asleep on my mom's lap and I still have sweet memories of her putting down her notepad full of conference notes and playing with my hair and scratching my back. thanks mom

now I can just stumble down the stairs in my pj's with a bowl of popcorn...I feel a tiny ounce of guilt for some reason not being all dressed up. I do however stand up off my couch when the congregation sings...I love General Conference. It is habit for some to get something to eat or make a phone call during the songs but that is so not allowed if you're watching conference with my mom...we just all sit with her and stare at the television screen and let the music touch our hearts...so rule #1 with me too...don't talk when the choir sings-

Conference touches my soul, it renews my spirit, it gives me hope, life makes sense once again...I can't wait. I can't wait to hear the choir...oh how I love the choir. Don't you? I am very connected to music. If I need to feel the Savior's love- I turn on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I swear heaven is so close.

Elder Faust will be missed. Some quotes of his that give me strength:


"Each of us needs to reach down into the innermost recesses of our souls to find the divinity that is deep within us and to earnestly petition the Lord for an endowment of special wisdom and inspiration. Only when we so profoundly reach the depths of our beings we can discover our true identity, our self worth, and our purpose in life" April 1995-

"Only as we seek to be purged of selfishness and of concern for recognition and wealth can we find some sweet relief from anxieties, hurts, pains, miseries, and concerns of this world...God can not only help us find a sublime and everlasting joy and contentment, but he will change us so that we can become heirs of the kingdom of God. This is really the recovery of the sacred within us." April 1995- same talk

"Since our own feelings are sacred to us and cannot be disputed by others, let us begin with those quiet assurances which occasionally can come to all of us and which we know are true. We cannot always prove these verities to others, yet they come as a form of knowing." November 1976

I cried through Elder's Faust's funeral. They weren't tears of sadness but just tears of knowing this man was holy and pure.

Conference shoves me back on track quickly. All of the sudden I can see the big picture- I suddenly don't feel the urge to buy new things or feel sorry for myself- I just want to live- live fully- happy and loving- to enjoy simple things and to become closer to Heavenly Father and Christ.

Tell me what you learned from conference...I want to hear...I want to enjoy it together.

let your life speak

...it's an old Quaker saying and also the title of a book I have read and still read here and there. It's the kind of book you can open in the middle, beginning or the end and still learn something...so yes...let your life speak.

It's more of an invitation- not so much my life motto- not yet.

It means to live authentically- to find your center, embrace your values and truth, to be who you are regardless of who you're with or where you are...this is what the Quakers intended with the saying...and I hope I do the same...with time.

Have you ever seen "Runaway Bride"? Well it is a simple movie and definitely not one of my favorites- but there is a scene in that movie that I always play over and over in my head- it is when Julia Roberts (I don't remember her screen name) is trying to decide how she likes her eggs. It was made known to her that her favorite type of eggs changed depending on what situation she was in or who she was with. I feel this way sometimes about myself. I mean I'm not that completely lost...I like my eggs scrambled for all those you might get a little concerned...but at times I feel like I am sort of floating when I should be grounded. Does that make sense?

well so I sojourn...

Many of you suggested titles for my blog that related somewhat to family and being a mother...well of course- of course- these experiences are teaching me more about life than I will ever know- but I wanted to somehow separate myself from "mommy" and make the title more meaningful for me- anyway...

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"Then I ran across the old Quaker saying, 'Let your life speak.' I found those words encouraging, and I thought I understood what they meant: 'Let the highest truths and values guide you. Live up to those demanding standards in everything you do.' Because I had heroes at the time who seemed to be doing exactly that, this exhortation had incarnate meaning for me--it meant living a life like that of Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or Mahatma Gandhi or Dorothy Day, a life of high purpose.

"So I lined up the loftiest ideals I could find and set out to achieve them. The results were rarely admirable, often laughable, and sometimes grotesque. But always they were unreal, a distortion of my true self--as must be the case when one lives from the outside in, not the inside out. I had simply found a "noble" way to live a life that was not my own, a life spent imitating heroes instead of listening to my heart.

"Today, some thirty years later, 'Let your life speak' means something else to me, a meaning faithful both to the ambiguity of those words and to the complexity of my own experience: 'Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you.'" ~Parker J. Palmer

personality test

a little creepy...those who know me just might say this is exactly me...even though I wish I was different in some aspects- I wish I was more outgoing...and less sensitive but I am what I am I suppose...thanks Marne for the link-

here are the results of a personality test I took online...take the test...and post the results- I would love to see them.

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

under construction

thank you for all your comments and ideas on my title...I am still working on it...although it's close...life has been quite interesting lately. Kenzie has been a different child...grouchy, naughty, mean...Julia is worse than ever...I think it is because of the antibiotics I am on...oh yeah...mastitis. I just can't seem to get anything done. Marne...how do you write on two blogs daily with three kids? You amaze me...kenzie just screams and pulls everything off the desk when I am on the computer...