midnight mercy

My baby wakes up 2-3 times a night. I am sure I am doing it all wrong. I get reminders daily from everyone it seems on how to get little Kenzie to sleep through the night. I read convincing articles that sway me to do one thing and then I'll read another article that will sway me to do the opposite. I listen to the spirit, praying to feel right about letting her "cry it out" and although it might be a perfect solution for some babies, I don't feel it is right at this time. Most think I am crazy for going so many nights without decent sleep, yet finally I find through this long tiresome journey some mercy...at midnight.

During the past months as I have been woken in the middle of the night by Mckenzie's cries, I experience a lot of emotion, frustration, anger, and many tears. A few nights of me flipping out and causing an out of control uproar taught me quickly how ineffective and ridiculous my actions were. I would then pray every night out loud hoping the sleep angels would hear and put Kenzie to sleep for me. After 2-3 weeks of no angels, I finally faithfully believed that Heavenly Father was trying to teach me something...



Holding Mckenzie and nursing her in the dark room with a little glow on her face from the night light can be almost breath taking...

Singing "I Am a Child of God" 200 times in a row turns into a very spiritual experience. Try it sometime. Try it while rubbing a baby's forehead...God feels so close.

Sitting in the rocking chair with sleeping Mckenzie snuggled up under my chin and looking up at the picture of Christ hanging above the crib provides the perfect moment to ponder Christ's love for little Kenzie and for me.

Wrapping up Kenzie in a blanket that was knitted by mom...I feel instant love for my mother and for everything she is. Everything she is to me and to my life.

All these gifts given freely from Heavenly Father as I go through this small trial.

Heavenly Father loves me no matter what. He knows the healthiest way for Mckenzie to sleep through the night yet he allows me to go through some learning, trusting, crying...

Last night as I was sitting next to the crib reassuring Kenzie her mom was near and softly reminding her it was time to sleep, I was flooded with inspiration on how to go about with my little problem. I was having divine inspiration in the middle of the night. Isn't it interesting how Heavenly Father talks to us?...right in the middle of my sleepless night!

He told me in my thoughts that faith precedes the miracle and to believe whatever choice of sleeping method for Kenzie I feel right about and He would help me because He wants to give His children the desires of their heart. I also felt strongly about my responsibility to gently coerce Mckenzie to fall asleep on her own with patience and love. Patience stood out in my thoughts and I was reminded how patient God is with me. Heavenly Father is the perfect parent.

I really feel at peace right now.

good night.

three years

Today Chay and I will be married for three years.

We have been through a lot in such little time. Together we have dealt with our share of disappointments and our share of "pure blisses". However nothing could make us more committed, more solid, more in love than the hard times we have experienced...and yes there are more to come.

It is the boring times, the silent car drives, the long nights with the baby, that let me know how wonderful it is to be with Chay. I feel no obligations, no guilt, no need to please, no expectations to be someone I'm not. He doesn't take any energy out of my becoming. He just allows me to be me in every way. Patient, he is very patient.

Many times when I am off in my thoughts, I think of how Chay's love for me is so pure. I have said and written a million times that if I ever attain a huge goal or reach high levels of my potential in this life, it will be because I am married to Chay.

What can I say? I'm in love with Chay.
Happy Anniversary to me.

within

a favorite poem of mine

i read a map once
saying the kingdom of God
was within me
but I never trusted
such unlikely ground

i went out.
i scoured schools
and libraries
and chapels and temples
and other people's eyes
and the skies and the rocks,
and I found treasures
from the kingdom's treasury
but not the kingdom

finally I came in quiet
for a rest
and turned on the light

and there
just like a surprise party
was all the smiling royalty
king, queen, court.

People have been
locked up for less, I know.
but I tell you
something marvelous
is bordered by this skin:

I am a castle
And the kingdom of God
Is within.

Carol Lynn Pearson

sweet november

I have felt quite blessed lately.

Yesterday as I was playing on the floor with Mckenzie wishing it was warmer outside, I suddenly heard this constant rustling of leaves. Outside our home there are many trees and so I figured at first it was just leaves blowing around. We went outside to see nature at its best. Our huge walnut tree's leaves have been holding on for quite some time and yesterday they decided it was time to fall--and so the leaves began to fall and within 4 hours the tree was bare. It was snowing leaves. It was beautiful. Blessing #1.

2nd blessing- Mckenzie ate broccoli and eggs for breakfast. Every mom's dream to see their 10 month old scarfing down steamed broccoli.

3rd- Went to a second hand store hoping to find something wonderful to wear. Do you know what the best feeling is in the world at a second hand store? Going into a dressing room where it is chuck full of clothes and the person who had the room before you wears the same size and has the same style as you. Don't mind if I do.

Lastly, I leave in 3 hours to catch a plane. My best friend is getting married. I'm going home.

little jo

 

humbled at hardware store

Saturday night in the sandpaper aisle next to the paint thinner is where I must have left my diaper bag with my wallet inside it. Holding little Mckenzie in one arm and sandpaper in the other (which I didn't end up buying), my diaper bag must have been distracting or obviously not wanted around my shoulder at the moment. Awkwardly it wasn't on top of my priority list that night and never did return to my list until early Sunday morning.

retraced steps

prayed, prayed, prayed

3 visits to Ace Hardware

I Felt inspired to make one more visit to Ace (they were much annoyed with this desperate lady with a child on her hip who was in search of an old diaper bag she got free from the hospital when she gave birth) I convinced the now familiar cashier to look one more time. With hesitation of course she looked in a cupboard and there it was!

prayers answered

humbled at hardware store

mom

Just when I think I am doing ok and feel somewhat surprised at my strength,

I crumble.

I go about doing what I normally do each day feeling alright and wonder if I am just numb to reality. Then bedtime comes and the apartment gets quiet. I can then feel myself facing the decision to either become difficult to get along with or to cry. It is hardly ever the latter. After a few days of this unhealthy routine I give up and allow myself to feel sadness. I don't know how to do this.
Her cancer has returned and it has mastisized--Her oncologist told her today she had 6 months to a year. Hope or denial, either way, I still believe in miracles.
Pray for mom.

 

the nights of kenzie

confession.

The title you wonder? Well let's just say I found a new side of me the last couple of nights at 3 am. I have a child- a daughter of 10 months. A slight grin I'm sure on the face of any mother who is reading this.

During the day I function great with Pat-a-Cakes and bananas smeared into the wall. I actually laugh at cute moments and enjoy story time. Yet when Kenzie's crying wakes me up at 1 am then 3 am then 5 am, my dark side comes out of the most hidden places and begins to surface and suddenly I just want to punch a hole through the wall. Who am I? Who in the heck am I?


The nights of Kenzie have forced me to explore hidden energy that scares my husband to death. Ok, so given the opportunity to express this in writing has lead to some exaggeration I believe- but I honestly think my husband would support the contrary. I distinctively remember his early morning words, "Who are you and what did you do with my wife?"

In summary, I feel there is room to grow and there is room to explore why I react the way I do in certain situations; being tired, hungry, irritated or not. Sleep deprivation however confirms the doctrine of the proximity of the body and spirit here on earth and if one part isn't properly treated the other suffers.

So I begin this blog in hopes of a small therapeutic release- and also because I think it is just plain fun to have a blog and allow others who know me to read up on what's going on in my life. I write about my night episodes with Mckenzie mainly because it's on my mind --that and my lost diaper bag and wallet wherever they may be...