weigh in wednesdays

Yesterday (wednesday) was busy and full...

so..um 179 lbs???

Well that sucks.

off to a better week.

I'm actually not really trying to lose weight- more just trying to survive each day with a newborn.

But I am so happy with my little baby boy. I will post pictures soon. I have a crazy weekend. Janna is visiting, Joette, Dad and Kay are coming to town- Chay's family reunion...baby blessing this weekend- lesson to teach...tired. But all exiting events that bring much happiness- I just need to take a deep breath and get on with it.

service

I have been so touched lately by all the wonderful people in my life who have been willing to help me.

I have great friends.

Thank you for the fun stuff that has arrived in the mail from far away best friends and family, phone calls that have meant the world to me, visits here and there that have helped big time with the long exhausting days.

Thank you for the AMAZING dinners. We are talking GOOD food. Stuff I love to eat.

Thank you for the quick runs to the store- Hollie and Cami. I knew I could ask you and not feel dumb for doing so.

Thank you to those who have taken or who have offered to watch the girls.

I am so touched. Now I want to be better at serving...I don't think I'm that good at it yet- but I've had great teachers these past two weeks.

I am surrounded by beautiful people. The beautiful people in my life. (I swear Marilyn Manson's song did not come into my mind at first when I wrote that)

I love where I live. I am so grateful to have so many close friends from church live in my neighborhood. What a blessing.

I love how the elderly women from church have stopped by to give gifts and share with me endless stories from their child-bearing years...oh how I love these ladies. Mckenzie and Julia have like 5 grandma's who love them- right here on our street alone. oh these precious old ladies- talk about lives well lived...beautiful souls- their eyes sparkle- prepared and ready to meet their Maker.

It is so easy to be grateful when I'm surrounded by gracious people.

Gratitude- more effective and attainable as a group effort...kind of rubs off on everyone...addictive, contagious

weigh-in wednesday week 2

um...no I don't intend on this being a weight loss blog- BORING.

but it is "weigh-in Wednesday"...

ok so last week's weight: 188.5 (digital scale)
Today's weight: 177.5 -11 lbs exactly...even down to the ounce- weird.

The only explanation I have for this 11 lb drop- is well...I have ankles now and my wedding ring fits again. I was pretty swollen for awhile- my puffy feet were really starting to bug me.

But I woke up in the middle of the night several times this week dripping in sweat...and yes it was disturbing...

I'm just dripping from everywhere it seems...oh the wonderful post-partum days.

So the 11 lbs??? Water. Just water. I'm still really fun to hug and cuddle with. Squishy and soft. Anybody need a hug?

Here's to another week...

oh and I'm just enjoying little Xander so much...oh my. I'm whipped.

weigh-in wednesdays

I can hear Rafiki on The Lion King....(this is for you Joette)

"It is time."

I tipped the scale going into labor weighing 201 lbs.

Granted I am 5'9...and my baby was a good size...

Ok, ok, ok, there is no "GRANTED" allowed here- that's a lot of weight to gain. A lot of love...a lot of squishy comfy hugs...a lot of "I love those big brown eyes...and the way you shake those thighs"- anyone remember that song? A lot of "Baby Got Back" from Sir Mix-A-lot comes to mind also...is there anyone who DOESN'T know all the lyrics to that song??? I mean honestly, it's just an early 90's classic. What is middle school without "I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other rappers can't deny..."?

anyway

Current weight: 188.5. I somehow lost 13 and half pounds- 8 lbs was Xander...and 5 lbs must have been the placenta and my amniotic fluid...my midwife couldn't believe how much water I was carrying. When my water broke it made the biggest popping splash sound ever- like a huge water balloon popping on concrete. Chay was actually video taping me as I lay on the bed when all of the sudden "SPLASH"- so the sound of the "SPLASH" is recorded for family history sake. Then when Xander was coming out, he moved a little bit and amniotic fluid seriously went flying in the air and squirted the nurse in the face and chest (I know, disgusting). Chay later thanked the nurse for being in the perfect spot when I squirted everywhere, she supposedly saved the laptop from getting wet...

anyway- so Weigh-in Wednesdays. I have never in my life weighed this much- I am just big and beautiful, what can I say? I look at myself and I am reminded of the pictures of the women, the great great aunts and great great grandmas on my Dad's side of the family...they were mostly tall thick overweight hard-working big-boned women. So it looks like I have some good and not so good genes working against me.

Anyway- I just want to feel good...and fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes- because I'm about to break the bank at TJ Maxx if I don't.

I have no clue why I am blogging about this. I seriously think it's some made up psychological motivation that inspires me more to accomplish a goal. And no, I'm not embarrassed about posting my weight...my step mother in law already posted a horrific picture of me on facebook for all to see- even those gorgeous past boyfriends got a glimpse of my reality at the moment- oh well...big and beautiful, what can I say?

Current weight: July 14, 2010 188.5 lbs.

I want 'em real thick and juicy so find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble.

5 days

My little Xander is 5 days old.

Wow only 5 days? well, 5 very long days then.

Breastfeeding is absolutely controlling the greater portion of my life right now. It scares me to death. It hurts. I cringe. I bleed. I crack. Engorgement is finally on the downswing and just the little bit of relief convinces me I can run a marathon now...or accomplish some impossible feat. (not really on the marathon thing)

But nursing with 2 little excited girls is sort of a challenge...Julia super glued her fingers together tonight while I was nursing Xander. Her fingers were seriously "super glued" -it was pretty traumatic for her. Luckily Dad had some special spray of the sorts to help her get un-super glued.

Jaundice. Jaundice. Jaundice. 3 for 3. All three of my babies have pictures of them "all aglow" with the bilirubin lights.



I feel so many emotions lately. One thing hit me for sure- I am all mommy. I have three little people to take care of. My heart is so full of love for my little ones. Tonight Julia and Kenzie left for Grandma's house for 3 1/2 days. They have been gone maybe an hour and I already miss them. They drive me up the wall most days- but they are my girls...they give me so much joy. I feel bad the baby is taking so much of their mommy time away from them. Hopefully everything will re-adjust soon. I am so so so grateful Kenzie has another year until Kindergarten...oh I can't even face that right now. ok let's not think about that April.



Anyway I didn't mean to write so much... I really just wanted to post pictures for family and friends who live far far away. Xander is seriously so adorable to me. My crappy camera just doesn't do him any justice- he is just so fun to hold and look at.





So what do you think? Does Xander look like Chay? Me? I see a little Mckenzie in him, but I can't really tell...

Xander

His name is Xander. Xander Chay Clark.

But he still just looks like "my little guy" to me.

Here is the view from my room. I can't really complain.






Watching Peter Pan...they love my hospital room as much as I do...

The cheeks...




oh blessed sleep

update

I am sitting here at the hospital...looking at my new little baby boy. So peaceful.

But I am getting really sick of this small room...

and why does my bed digitally reveal to me how much I weigh when I lay down in it? Is that really necessary? Especially with the beds in the post partum wing...

on the upside or the downside (however you look at it) the food here is surprisingly good.

Kenzie loves her new little brother- wants to hold him ALL THE TIME.

Ju Ju...not so much. Her words last night as I was feeding him, "I don't like baby, let's throw him in the garbage"

She needs a lot of extra love and attention right now. Oh my Ju Ju.

Still no name for the baby...getting there...

I just witnessed a circumcision. That was so interesting. Rubbed his head and gave him sugar water- Poor little guy. He did so well...considering the circumstances...circumcision circumstances...hmmm...now I am wondering what the root meaning of "circum" means...google?

I feel very blessed.

My boobs hurt.

I'm tired.

But this little baby boy is something else I tell you. So beautiful. I can't believe he is ours. What a gift. What is he dreaming and thinking about all the time? He has already gained 2 oz.

I will post pictures when I get home.

Everything is going well...but I'm at the hospital still...and the baby goes to the nursery when I want to sleep...and I get room service with good meals- my sheets are changed daily...so I think life will really hit when I get home.

I can do this...I can do this.

he is finally here

So I gave birth to a baby boy this morning. 2:56 a.m.

He is beautiful.

Went into labor unexpectedly...3 weeks too early. Good thing- because my nameless perfect little baby was 8 lbs 4 oz 20 inches long...imagine his size full term...

we are still deciding what to call him...

I felt Mom near during the birth...even imagined her standing in a certain spot in the delivery room...I could hear her voice telling me everything was going to be ok...and to get a grip and get an epidural.

I am really tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Post pictures soon.

My little baby is so flawless to me.

Good night.

9 months

So it is July...

I can actually say that I will probably be having a baby this month.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate being pregnant?

But you know, the summer weather has been nice. The girls are so fun...and Chay is the love of my life...

Ok I can hardly type that without giggling. We aren't a "you are the love of my life" type couple. We aren't a "terms of endearment" type couple either. He's not "baby" or "honey" or "sugar". He is "Chay". And I for one don't prefer to be called a food product by any means. "honey buns, sweet cheeks, honey, sweet cakes, muffin, or sugar" are a no go- especially now when "honey buns" would probably seem most appropriate with my nice back cushion I have acquired these past 9 months.

I actually really like to hear my name. "April". "April" just sounds nice.

One time Chay and I were joking around how couples seem to have these "nick names" for each other and the fact that we don't might be a bad sign. I told him we should do a test run on some terms of endearment for each other. So I looked at Chay and all I could call him was "Chay". Chay looked at me and called me his "cougar".

I couldn't stop laughing. um...no, too sexual. We both agreed everyone will get the wrong idea...or the right idea...

So we call each other by our first names. Chay is such a nice unique name- why hide it and ruin it with "honey bunny". Ok writing this is reminding me of the movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days" anyone seen this?...oh what a funny movie.

But I do love Chay the same regardless of our lack of nick names for each other. He is becoming my greatest friend. I can tell him really boring things and he listens. He will tell me what is wrong with his motorcycle engine...the timing, the carburetor, the valves...and I will listen. I love having him around.

Being too big to take care of my feet like I should, Chay scrubbed and "sanded down" my callused summer dry heels on Sunday. He wiped up the kitchen floor for me. He helps me get up off the floor after family prayer. He rubs my back and tells me I smell good in the middle of the night.

I don't think I could be 9 months pregnant with anyone else.

So despite the sciatic nerve in my butt, the achy hips, stiff joints, the sleepless nights of rolling from side to side, the mysterious varicose veins in my vulva that can't be seen but feel like knives cutting into me (yes, I said vulva- get over it) and despite the swelling calves, feet and ankles merging into one body part a.k.a. "cankles", and despite only having 3 shirts now that sort of hide my butt crack, cleavage and belly completely, and despite the ligament pains on the sides of my stomach that I swear are worse than labor, and despite feeling overwhelmed, hot, sweaty, puffy, massive...despite all this, I feel blessed...blessed to be a mommy of three soon, blessed to have a safe loving home for my children to be raised in, blessed to have good friends, and most especially to have Chay...I have really witnessed the hand of God and His mercy in my life lately...and so I keep trucking along. My mom used to always say that- "keep trucking along"

The weather has kept me trucking along.

Went camping. All 4 1/2 of us slept squished in a supposedly 3 man tent. Which we all know the tent is lying when it says how many "men" it can sleep. The girls slept fine. Chay, being 6'3 (which equals 2 men in "tent size") and beefy me (3 men)- did not sleep...at all. Our air mattress was flat to the ground by 2 am. My body was on fire by the time it was morning. New pains I have never experienced before...and as I lay there focused on how in the world am I going to put on my shorts with this huge achy body in such limited space, Kenzie wakes up with her huge positive smile and says, "This is so fun! I love sleeping in a tent! Can we go see the swing at the water?" What? Are you for real? You can't be this happy...not now anyway. So...yes, she changed my mood real fast. She is such a light. I want to be more like Kenzie in so many ways.

We have been swimming almost daily...and doing all we can to get out and enjoy the sun with the girls. Zoo, splash pad, health club, parks, school lunch...sprinklers...

I can really testify to the idea of "just keep going" and don't let circumstances stop you- life is better when you're busy working, being with people, enjoying simple things. It has helped me cope with these last couple months. I remember my mom, who was a lot more sick than I have ever been, saying that every day she had a choice- a choice to either stay in bed all day or to get up and "just keep going". Those words ring super loud to me every morning...

now how in the heck am I going to give birth???? I know I have done it twice before...but honestly what a phenomenon. The pain scares me...women are amazing.

mowing the lawn

ok, here are some of the random thoughts I had while mowing the lawn tonight:

I know a lot of really good people.

I am so fortunate to say I have been blessed with wonderful friends.

I need friends. I grow and learn so much from my relationships with others.

I want to be a better friend. I think often how I can be more uplifting and more edifying to those around me.

I taught sunday school on Sunday and we learned about Jonathan and David's sincere friendship. They were so loyal to each other because God was first in their lives. Jonathan's words to David:

"behold, the Lord be between thee and me for ever." Samuel 20:23

Isn't that a beautiful friendship scripture?

I am so grateful for the people in my life who put God first and show it through their graciousness and service.

Our relationships, I feel, are the most important most tangible thing we've got here on earth to understand God's love better. People. All God's children. Touching each other in different ways...bringing light, helping, serving, acting as earthly angels. Even the relationships that suck...where there is unforgiveness, cruelty, awkwardness, hurt feelings- still an invite to become more Christ-like and to forgive and change- all ways to help us learn more about Christ.

marriage, families, raising children, friends- major growth happens- at least that is what I'm experiencing.

Learning to love others is the second most important commandment- first is to love God...and yet we struggle so much in this world with forgiving and loving people as we should. We can be so dang difficult to live with- so critical of others, so hard on each other, so hard on ourselves...relationships really are the refiner's fire...

so there you go...my random lawn mowing thoughts...

I asked Chay tonight, "What do you think about when you mow the lawn?"

he looked at me puzzled, "nothing...I think about mowing the lawn."

grateful

grateful to have a great daddy.

Sure he's got his quirks- as do I. But my dad is loyal, honest, and loving. I love my Dad. He is easy to love and forgive...he is humble and protects his family like a dad should. I am so grateful I don't have bitter feelings toward him. I can't imagine life living each day not liking him and being upset with him. My Dad, along with my Mom, really created an atmosphere of trust, love, and forgiveness in our home. They must have- because despite our many problems, our family is full of trust, love, and forgiveness. So thank you Dad.

Grateful for my children's Dad- Chay. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming when I see Chay with our girls. He can be the best Daddy. Oh my- like yesterday at the Zoo- so patient and so willing to help the girls have the best experience. I love his little talks with each one at bed time. Washing their hair and giving them a bath. Pushing them on the tire swing. Scratching Ju Ju's back. Making them laugh hysterical with his funny sense of humor and magic tricks.



It brings tears of gratitude to my eyes to know that my girls are going to grow up with a Dad that loves them AND shows it. My children will have a Dad that wants to be with them, wants to play, wants to take time out to be with them- oh that makes me so happy. So many children do not have that opportunity. Some dads don't know how to show love, some dads take off and never return home, some dads work too much- but my girls will have a daddy- a real daddy. One that will do anything for them.

Obviously Chay can't nurture like a mom can- and he is rough around the edges and can be quite the different disciplinarian than me, but it is ok. Because he is also loving and...he is present. He cares. He is there. He hits the 3 P's pretty well on most days. Preside, protect, and provide- in all ways those words can be interpreted.



I feel very grateful today. Happy Father's day.

his hand

I love this video.

Have you seen God's hand in your life today?

healing segment- today

"Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside." ~Elder Uchtdorf

It is June 12th today.

I can officially say that I will be having a baby soon. No more months and months to wait for this pregnancy to be over...now just weeks.

I can't believe I will have a new baby to hold...a brand new little baby. Oh who are you little boy?

I feel so out of touch with my body when I'm pregnant- most especially this time around. I feel like my spirit is somewhere foreign. I think it's because I'm not used to the size of my butt...and the whole "thighs touching when I walk" thing- all foreign. I don't feel like I belong in this body. My spirit just wants to run- and get out of bed normally without having to roll out of bed. I want to pick up a toy off the floor without it being an Olympic event bending over to get it.

I've been loving the comments I've been receiving lately: "wow you are holding that baby so low" "have you gained a lot of weight this pregnancy?" "Oh my, you have gotten bigger since I last saw you." "Your feet and ankles are so swollen."

Today is a great day. I find myself thinking often about how I will get back into the pre-pregnancy body I once had after the baby is born...and having that energy I crave come back...and that vitality of over all good health.

why not start today instead of waiting 6 more weeks? Can't run a marathon or anything...and I doubt I will shed any major pounds...but today I can make some changes...why wait?

today is the day. I've had enough. I can't wait to feel great again. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more excuses. The benefits of good health outweigh silly non healthy instant gratification food. I know that...I always have.

Went to the gym today and waddled on the treadmill...ate mostly vegetables today...green drink...all things that bring "light" to the body.

here I go.

More to come- I like to blog about stuff like this- keeps me motivated during the first hard weeks.

excitements of lately

It's almost 10 o'clock in the morning and the girls are still asleep! I think I wore them out yesterday. I took them to "free lunch" at the school and they wanted to walk to the school- midway to the school they were huffing and puffing...complaining.- and then without a nap we went swimming. They played hard with their cousin Gage. They wouldn't leave the poor boy alone.

Kenzie likes boys. All her friends are boys. All I hear her talk about is Michael, Hyrum, Gage, Clayton...

Random excitements:

Went away for a couple days...feel rejuvinated...ready to be a mom and wife again...I'm sure only time will tell when it will be time to leave again :)

Hit the 50% off Savers sale on Memorial Day. I loaded up on some great newer clothes all for $.50-$3 dollars each for the girls. I love finding a good deal. Here Kenzie is supposed to be modeling some of the clothes for me but is picking at my plant instead.



I found this brand new bumper at the Savers sale too for $3! I love how it is white! I was wondering how I was going to find, pull off, or make some sort of boy bumper for the baby with my style...this was a pleasant surprise to find.



Chay built a tire swing over the weekend. We got the idea and instructions from instructables.com I love that website. You can learn how to do anything on that website. Oh the blessed internet. I can't believe how much my mom figured out without the internet while we were growing up. The tire was free from Pep Boys. Never pay money for a used tire. The chain however NOT free.



I found this cool table and chairs for $30 at a yard sale...it is ornate and beat up. But I just loved it. So I bought it. Thank you Cami for helping me bring home my junky treasure. I know I will be able to sell it for more...but for now I just stare at it and store junk on it...obviously.



Got my garden in and planted flowers. I am so excited about planting asparagus this year. I love asparagus and its a perennial vegetable that will harvest for up to 25 years! It takes 2-3 years before you can harvest but I figure by the time Chay is done with school we will be enjoying sweet asparagus...time passes quickly- it really does.


asparagus looks kind of freaky coming out of the ground like that...

We trimmed the front bushes...and Chay put in a new back door- being that our original back door was the original back door...from the 50's...and served no purpose other than being a door- a piece of hollow wood separating the outside from the inside. Let's just say we feel a lot more insulated now.



swimming lessons...for Kenzie. I fought swimming lessons...thought it was super silly for a 4 year old being that I started swimming lessons when I was 8 or so...but then I realized that I grew up around lakes and rivers and swam all summer long and sort of taught myself the basics- and Kenzie doesn't have that opportunity. Plus Kenzie likes it of course. But the pool water is always freezing...her teeth chatter/bottom lip quiver the whole time.

Look at this tall lonesome beautiful tulip. I love looking at it.



This picture is special to me. "The Promise" by Morgan Weistling. A very special family who I love so dearly placed this picture of Christ in my bedroom- it was the first thing I saw when I walked in my bedroom for the first time after serving my mission. The little girl looks like me when I was little. I love how she is clinging to the Savior.



Well I spray painted the picture frame white to match the girl's room decor better...



And camping...in the backyard. We actually never slept in the tent...but just played in it all day. I'm not about to sleep on the ground with a huge belly when I have a comfy bed 20 feet away.



Kenzie and Daddy

Minivan debate

We have been needing a new car for awhile. You know, the ones that actually fit more than 2 car seats comfortably? Our jeep will fit 2 boosters and baby seat but that is after giving yourself carpal tunnel trying to buckle the boosters in which are CRAMPED up next to the baby seat. It's like a 10 minute process...and sometimes even bloody. It's a no-go with someone with little patience like myself.

So the minivan question arose???? Oh the look on Chay's face. Classic.

You see, I'm married to a motor sports kind of guy. He hauls dirt bikes and 4 wheelers on a weekly basis. Either to sell, fix up, buy, or ride. Fox bumper stickers and minivans don't mix. I don't think minivans mix well with any man really. I'm now convinced they somehow mess with manhood.- Along the same line as chick flicks and listening to Celine Dion.

I'm not a minivan fan either...but I would drive one if I had to. But THIS commercial has definitely changed my mind. You have to watch this...

every minivan family out there (who is basically everyone I associate with) this is for you...take pride in your swagger wagon.



and this one is for Chay...because a family man really can drive a minivan...



oh these commercials made me laugh the hearty laugh. The big chuckle and jerk motion that the Tomblin ladies are known for. Joette has the worse laugh and jerk out of all of us. She can become dangerous when she laughs. Don't make her laugh while she is driving.

Minivans are cool.

light

I've been thinking a lot about "light" lately.

I know, a little random.

but the word "light" and what it offers in all its dimensions and interpretations really intrigues me. Spiritually, literally, figuratively, scientifically...

driving on the way here..."here" is my in-law's house- they are gone for the weekend and so in desperation to escape from who knows what- just escape to a place where I can think and act in complete silence...I asked if I could stay at their house. Surprisingly my wonderful mother in law agreed that it was a great idea for me to come and get away for a few days. So here I am. Very weird, I know- but I will tell you one thing- it is VERY quiet here. Just me. Just me. Wow. Just me. I only have to take care of me for the next couple days. This is a first in a very long time...and probably the last in a very long time. Wish Chay were here...but I think this time alone might do some good.

anyway on the drive here my mind was full of thoughts...and I contemplated my life...and my priorities...and this weird trip I was taking to my in-laws house to be alone. And my thoughts led to a prayer and then to more thinking...and then "light" came to mind.

I like light. In fact I am worried about being in this big house in a couple hours. Alone, dark house, dark night...oh dear April- just don't read into any noises you hear.

light.

"Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." John 8:1

Christ is the light of the world. All things testify of him. Without him we would only have darkness. Christ is truth and truth is light. The magnitude of Christ's light/love is incomprehensible...but we can catch glimpses of it every day and testify of its realness...and continue to learn and grow because of it. There is a lot of light out there...Christ is everywhere if we train our eyes to see Him manifested in all things.

So the whole "light" thing all started when I popped in a health CD I have been wanting to listen to for like a year but never got around to it. I noticed the CD in a pile of stuff right before I was leaving and I had a tiny feeling that maybe I was supposed to listen to it on my drive here. It was interesting to say the least. The bio-chemist microbiologist guy who was talking explained in depth how certain foods we eat produce "light" or energy in the body and how other foods can actually destroy or rob "light" or energy in the body. He went on to say that our bodies do not run on calories, fat, or protein but actually run on light and electricity. He even said that our words, thoughts, and deeds can affect the light in our body. Wow I really liked what I was hearing. He obviously explained it in bigger scientific explanations that went over my head, but I got the jest of it. He then went on to talk about alkalinity acidity pH stuff...blah blah blah...but it made sense nonetheless and I couldn't really disagree with him because he basically pushed the simple knowledge that vegetables are full of proton energy producing minerals and nutrients that can supply healing essential alkaline electricity to the body.

So eat a cucumber already.

(Wow. I'm having color problems with the print)

Then I put in another CD (this time it was music) and one of the first songs I heard was this one:

Hold on the Light Will Come by Michael McLean

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt and fear
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come

Everyone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.

It's a message every one of us must learn
That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you've struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on, there will be light

Hold on. Hold on. the light will come.
If you feel trapped inside a never-ending night
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you're half-crazy thinking you're the only one
who's afraid the light will never really come -
Just hold on. Hold on. The light will come!

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
If your world is filled with darkness, doubt and fear
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come.

This song kind of spoke to the heart as it seemed to relate to some of my feelings I've had lately. It made me teary eyed and I felt it was one of those "tender mercies" Heavenly Father gives so freely to his children. It was hopeful. My mom used to love this song...it would give her hope during those long cancer journey days. Joette would play and sing it for her on the piano.

Most of my drive to my in-law's was dark, rainy, and dreary but the last 20 minutes or so the sun broke through the clouds in streams of light. The bright sun hit my face and I felt for a moment the sunshine was just for me...Heavenly Father's way of letting me know he cares and loves me. It was beautiful.

Thank you.

I love this scripture "That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." D&C 50:24

the Ross breakdown

I am seriously going through the hardest time right now. oh and please don't bring me cookies to make feel better- that will only make it worse.

I think I'm going to have an emotional breakdown...oh wait already had 4 in the last month.

everything is starting to pile up...I'm sick with a nasty cold, so is Julia- pregnancy, health, endless tasks, MS crap, kids, no energy, unfinished goals, sciatic nerve pain, relationships, expectations, stress, life- I have never felt this way for so long. It is so foreign to me. Everything seems to be taking a toll on me.

I have cried alligator tears for a week straight. We are talking the BIG tears...

Today Julia threw her 6th tantrum in 6 days ...at the store Ross. Her tantrums have become increasingly worse lately and usually last up to 55 minutes or so (I have timed them). I try to figure out why- probably some psychological disorder due to an insane mom. I took a toy away from her at the store as we were entering the dressing rooms... and she went absolutely ballistic. I have outgrown all my maternity clothes- gaining already 55 lbs and depressed as ever with my appearance, I attempt with a screaming toddler and a 4 year old to try on some shirts that will actually cover my belly and my boobs. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself. I'm a big white puffy marshmallow! Julia won't stop screaming and snot from her nose is going everywhere. She is kicking and rolling around on the floor. I'm trying to take deep breaths when all of the sudden I hear this lady scream, "Shut that kid up!"

I was taken off guard and so I responded, "excuse me?"

"You heard me, shut that kid up or take her home!"

"um...I'm trying...I can't really help it..."

I have no idea what this lady looks like because she is yelling at me from her dressing room and I'm in my dressing room obviously. I start to get pretty shaken up.

she screams "You need to learn how to control your kids"

I responded, "Ever had a toddler before?"

"Yes I did and they never acted like that- you need to learn to control them or don't bring them shopping!" and she walked out of the dressing room and out into the store.

It was seriously a tipping point for me. My eyes filled up with tears and I started to blubber like a baby- Poor Kenzie just sat and stared at her emotional sister and mother go to town with the tears. She then asked, "why was that lady mean to you Mommy?"

A worker must have heard the whole ordeal and she went and found the toy I took away from Julia and slipped it under the dressing room door. Julia of course stopped crying when she saw it but I sure didn't. Then a few moments later the same worker slid a box of tissue under the door for me. I seriously had no control over my emotions. I was spent.

I was then determined not to ever leave that dressing room out of pure embarrassment. I eventually got myself together enough to leave. The nice worker apologized for the rude customer.

Not a good day in April's life. Hopefully I will someday laugh about it all. Right now I am barely holding it together.

I think about God's plan for me often and I seek the Lord through prayer that I may learn and grow from this time in my life...but it can really suck sometimes regardless.

Please tell me I am somewhat normal??? anybody lose it in a dressing room before???

operation home cont.

bunk beds.

With baby #3 coming...and with a little house, it was bunk bed time. Changing the bed situation around here was inevitable.

When the bedrooms in your home are relatively SMALL- your kid's beds have to go up. Chay and I even entertained with the idea of having bunk beds. "Think of all the extra space we would have in our room without this queen bed..."

It was a short-lived idea.

anyway so I found this bunk bed at a yard sale for $15.



old and very used...but with potential

sanded a little, primed, and painted...



I really love how the beds turned out. Perfect for the girls.

We also painted the room, hung new chair rail and crown molding- I'll post pictures of the room later...

The excitement of bunk beds has been interesting. My girls for the first 3 weeks of "bunk bedding" acted like they were on cocaine at bedtime. They laughed and giggled for hours. I mean hours. They wouldn't fall asleep until 11 o'clock some nights. They would see each other through the cracks and start laughing uncontrollably. Kenzie would peek down at Julia and again...out of control excitement. Who needs theme parks or McDonald's playland??? They are finally calming down...but wow- childhood. Great isn't it?

Ju Ju is a bunk bed pro. No problems whatsoever with the change from crib to bed. She did however sneak out of her bedroom once to get a toy out of the living room. Chay and I were watching a moving in the basement and we thought someone was breaking into our house...but no it was just Julia getting her butterfly wings by the piano...it was pitch black upstairs and all we could hear were little feet on the wood floors running as fast as they could go back to the bedroom and jumping in bed. So cute.

memorial day

the scouts put a flag in our front yard today...

In 2003 I went to Arlington Cemetery.

Alone.

Mom was in the hospital...of course.

There is a very special feeling at that place. So quiet and reverent. I understood more clearly what freedom meant as I walked passed all those hundreds of hundreds of graves. I remember my heart feeling very full and feeling grateful for all those who believed in this great country ...enough to die for it.

It was a very spiritual experience for me.

If you ever go to Washington D.C.- you have to make it to Arlington- far better than the lame White House.

operation home

This dresser was free.



It was on the lawn across the street with a "free" sign.



I love "free" signs.



When Chay and I moved into our home we were without a dresser- so the free dresser, ugly, but free dresser came in handy for the first 3 years we have lived here. It was beaten up pretty bad...

but friends like Tiffani and Janna seemed to like the dresser when they saw it- that confused me because it was so "motel" to me.- you know modern 70's.

But straight lines have grown on me. Tiffani suggested I paint the dresser. I just wanted to get rid of it. But Since I already had all the primer and paint to paint it- I kept it. The hardware was about $16 dollars. Turned out lovely I think. Obviously not a perfect paint job- but we are learning. It's at least nice to practice on free furniture, right?.



We put it downstairs in the guest/baby room...which is still in the works...



I got the mirror at a thrift store for $10. It was hanging in our bathroom downstairs for a year or so. It's a rather large mirror and I hung it over the toilet...the wrong way- vertically not horizontal...um...let's just say Chay didn't like using that bathroom very much- he wasn't used to watching himself pee...I personally thought it was hilarious. Chay gladly took the mirror down from above the toilet and spray painted it white for me- and hung it up over the dresser...on Mother's day in fact. That was thoughtful of him.

baby blanket

I finally finished sewing a baby blanket I started like 6 months ago.

A while back I came to the realization that I really didn't have anything for a baby "boy". So I ventured off to make a warm flannel batted blanket- thinking I could just throw it together. Well since I don't have any natural sewing skills, a loving grandma around, or a mommy for that matter, I resorted to YouTube to teach me. Bad idea.

I am convinced that learning to quilt and sew needs to be a woman to woman "time-together" event- YouTube wasn't all that satisfying or memorable.

The blanket I made almost brought tears during the process because I was messing up so bad on it- but by the end I was laughing so hard at all the mistakes and so I eventually surrendered to the flaws and simply said, "this stupid blanket is at least made with love, not perfection, but with love...and some freezing child in Russia would love this thing because it is heavy and warm." Plus Chay said it was an "awesome" blanket.

I'll take awesome.

binky

Julia has been binky-free for 24 hours now. holy smokes is this really happening????

Ju-ju is addicted to the binky like I am addicted to sugar. Both have to go.

You see, the binky fairy was supposed to come and take it away like 2 months ago but I didn't have the stamina, heart, will-power, the courage to take it away. It was on my "to-do" list but I just sort of freaked out just thinking about not sleeping through the night again before the baby even comes...and I wasn't sure how my little Ju-ju would do without her number one source of security. But together Julia and I have had several conversations about "saying goodbye" to the binky. She knew it was coming. I even made up a song about a binky that went bye bye...

it goes like this:

"there once was a binky that said bye bye
it made ju ju sad, it made her cry
but Mommy gave lots of love
and the binki fairy left a surprise
and everything's alright...everything's alright"

I know pathetic, but in the eyes of a 2 year old- it helped a lot.

Well Julia chewed a huge hole in her last binky yesterday. It was julia who said it was "broken" and that she didn't need a Binky anymore.

"What?"

She didn't nap yesterday but fell right to sleep at bedtime at 6:45.
She didn't nap again today crying "I can't sleep...I want my binky" but at 7 tonight she was fast asleep- without one whimper of needing her binky.

I have noticed she is a lot more cuddly now and wants to be held...which is fine with me. It is hard to pass up a snuggle from a 2 year old anyway.

Oh isn't it crazy that something so silly like a pacifier can result in being a life crisis to a toddler...and to a mother???

becoming what you believe

Here is a nice quote of hope:

"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I shall have the belief that I can do it. I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it, even if I may not have it at the beginning." ~Mahatma Gandhi

healing segment- sugar

Please read:

Researchers at Princeton University report that sugar-loving mice demonstrate all three criteria of addiction: increased intake, withdrawal, and cravings that lead to relapse. Previous work has shown that mice deprived of food for several hours and then allowed to binge on sugar water (with concentrations similar to that of soft drinks) soon developed addictive behaviors. Sugar intake causes the release of dopamine in the brain, a reward chemical. After a month of sugar binging and increased dopamine levels, the rats' brains developed fewer dopamine receptors and more opioid receptors--changes similar to those observed in mice on cocaine and heroine. When their sugar supply was suddenly cut off, the mice exhibited signs of withdrawal, including teeth-chattering, anxiety, and refusing to leaving their tunnels. The latest research showed that when these mice were offered sugar once again, they worked harder to attain it and consumed more than ever. (Discover magazine, December 2008)

wow isn't that interesting?

oh my, am I like these mice???, except I refuse to leave my tunnel when I eat sugar more so than when I go without for awhile...not so much teeth chattering, but I do feel anxious. I feel the most depressed and irritable when I am consuming sugar. I hurt the worse the next morning after having too much sugar the night before.- and yet I keep returning to sugar for that little "lift me up" to get through the day- Like one vicious cycle.

sugar sugar sugar...just you wait- you are going DOWN!

sleeping children

What is it with children when they sleep? They suddenly turn into these magical perfect little angels sent from heaven who could do no wrong.

I mean let's be honest all parents love it when their child is asleep for the night. I don't know what it is- instant relief? peace, quiet...all of the above?

I know that at least with me when the kids are asleep I am rest assured that I can't do anything wrong for the next 10 hours or so that will catch me in a bad mommy moment- they are ASLEEP, they are in a different world, they are doing exactly what they should be doing- I have no reason to yell, ignore, complain, or gripe at them.



But funny enough- when they ARE finally sound asleep, I can't seem to leave them alone. One of my favorite things to do is to go into the girl's room every hour or so and watch them and rub their soft cheeks. I usually pray for them during this time.



My girls look so dang innocent when they're asleep. Their skin is flushed- long eyelashes- perfect lips. Heaven feels so close. I swear every mom and dad recommits to being a better parent when they watch their children sleep. It's like something slaps you over the head "Look how incredibly special they are!"

ursula

As I was getting out of the shower I noticed Kenzie and Julia were waiting by the bathroom door, wanting to take a bath. They beg to take baths every day. I hope that lasts into the adolescent years. Well the bathing part...not necessarily bathing together...that would be weird.

Anyway, I noticed Kenzie staring at my big pregnant body. She then kindly said to me, "Mom, you look like Ursula...on the the Little Mermaid."



oh could I hear anything more uplifting...at such a big and awkward time in my life?

It gets worse...

Kenzie then continued to say, "like when Ursula shakes her boobs and says "body language!!!!"

"what on earth?"

The clip from the movie instantly came to my mind. Obese Ursula singing "Poor Unfortunate Souls" Her words, "You'll have your looks, your pretty face, and never underestimate the power of BODY LANGUAGE!" And then Ursula goes about to turn around and shake her overly enormous booty for us all to enjoy. Earlier in the song she flatters us with jiggling her breasts center screen until all we see is her cleavage.

ok Disney, seriously?

I will admit that Ursula is one of my most favorite Disney characters. She is so fun to quote on a normal basis- but not so fun when I actually look like her- in the eyes of a 4 year old anyway.

For those who don't see me often and wonder how "cute" I look at almost 8 months pregnant- here is a video to give you a heads up of what you're not missing.

april unplugged- beware

I wish I had more of a back bone...Although I tend to have a strong opinion about things- I'm really a softy when it comes right down to it. I might harp and complain about being mistreated- but those who know me well enough- know to read right through it and rarely take my feelings all too seriously.

I'm more mad at myself than anyone for being this way.

I have a hard time deciding what's most important in my life. Well obviously God is...but I guess trying to figure out what He knows is best for me is where I struggle.

I am learning that I can focus really well on one thing at a time...but 3 or 4 things? I'm a complete mess. I was a really good student at the end of my college career, because I only worried about myself and all other areas of my life beside school were always falling apart it seemed. But my last semester in college I landed a 4.0, aced my finals despite early labor pains, and welcomed Kenzie into the world the very next day.

I think the most sane part of my life was during my stay at the Missionary Training Center in Sao Paulo, Brazil. For the first time in my life, every minute of my day was planned for me. I knew when I was going to study, go to class, eat, sleep, even write in my journal-. Food was provided by the cafeteria so eating seconds was out of the question. Gym time was 3-4 times a week. I went to bed at 9:30 every night, I was studying the scriptures and having many spiritual experiences, I was with lovely people all day...I remember just feeling so whole and complete. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, I was on a rigid schedule, and I was so so very content.

Sometimes I wish an angel would appear every morning and tell me exactly what to do each day.

I don't know how to budget very well and getting out of debt seems like the impossible dream. Eating healthy and getting my family on board...again the impossible feat. Being a proactive parent, finishing projects- each one of these things take ALL of me. I don't know how to divide up the day. I am a complete mess. And honestly, I am alone in all these efforts. So another thing on my to-do list: get family members to somehow feel the same way as I do about certain family goals.

If I just concentrate on one goal- the rest of my life would go to shambles. Yet when I concentrate on more than one goal...my life goes to shambles. And I get frustrated with myself and I just want a spoonful of marshmallow cream and hide under the covers all day.

I try to figure out what is most important....most days I swear it is health...but then when it's time to buy groceries or pay for my gym membership I start to think that getting out of debt is more important...or when I drop my girls off at the gym daycare and they scream bloody murder I start to think that I need to spend more quality time with my kids. I hear those words of guilt, "They are only young once" I walk into the house and see it's a mess and how it needs new carpet and then I start to say that the home is the most important and that I need to focus on saving money to fix it up and follow a cleaning schedule...I can not function if there isn't any function. I go crazy. If the house is out of order, I am out of order- checked out in a flurry. I need a place for everything- and yet I am always dealing with piles and backed-up "to-do" lists and too much clutter.

going to the gym, eating healthy, budgeting, order in the home, being a good mom and wife- these things do not come easy for me- they're all so life consuming. I so wish that I was normally healthy and strong, mothering came easy with all the perfect words of kindness, that money wasn't always such an issue, organization was second nature- I wish I had these things already in tack so I could enjoy the better part of life- to just sit down and make something, go on a hike, call up a friend and hang out- without feeling overwhelmed about how I can't find anything, how tired I am, how slow I am at learning new things.

Every day I wake up feeling overly stressed about the day because every little task is so hard. Even getting out of bed puts me in a bad mood. I hurt everywhere in the morning.

Sometimes these frustrations get me really moody and I feel like I'm ready to explode. I feel I just give give give and fulfil everyone's needs but mine- and then I feel selfish for thinking so.

Sometimes I am sick of being the supportive one, the one willing to change, the patient one, the strong example, the motivator, the bill payer, the budgeter, the cook, the advisor, the house cleaner, the teacher...sometimes I just want to do things for just me...but I feel the load is too essential to give up and all will crumble if I become too lenient. But if I was to do something just for me, I already know I wouldn't be able to figure out what it is I need to do for myself! I know serving others is supposed to make me happy???? AHHHHH I feel like I do that all day! I know its a privilege to be a mother and wife, but I can't figure out the balance.

I think throwing off the guilt plague might help a lot. Anyone have a vaccine/remedy?

Growing up I didn't dream of that perfect wedding or holding children. I didn't care about making bread from scratch or sewing curtains. Now I think about these things...and unfortunately I'm a little behind. The desire is there but the skills are lacking.

It makes me sad. I feel trapped with my feelings. I am so tired. I know I'm not right physically. How can I handle everyday life if it's painful to walk and I'm exhausted.

I really wish I could go to a 2 week recapture health place...a place to detox, sleep, exercise...a place where kids aren't begging for toast and butter and peanut butter jelly sandwiches. A place where husbands don't eat pizza and oreos for dinner. A place of solitude and escape from every day life. I don't even want people I know to be at this place. A place where I wake up and no one needs me- no meals to cook, no groceries to buy, no books to check out or return, no story time, no night's sleep interupted, no paper route, no bills to pay, no lesson to teach, no laundry to fold, no time-outs or sending girls to the corner, no arguments, no whining, no tight uncomfortable clothes, no butts to wipe, no house to fix up, no calendar, no motorcycles, no sugar, no matching socks or missing shoes to find, no counters to wipe, no feelings of being used or taken advantage of, no worrying ...just for 2 weeks...maybe 3 weeks.

I think I need a break.

I think I just need to go to bed.

trusting trials

Many of you are inspired by Nie Nie's story. For those of you who aren't aware- Stephanie Nielson, a mother of 4, was in a plane wreck with her husband about 2 years ago. They both survived but most of Stephanie's body was burned in the wreck. Stephanie blogs about her experience.

I love this video. Heavenly Father really knows what he is doing with us...despite the trials that come our way, we are loved and watched over by Him. Some of our greatest trials will bring us closer to Him, if we but choose to allow Him to work miracles in our lives.

enjoy

happiness

Today 3 special people in my life are celebrating their birthdays- May 2nd- what a big day! Jaynee, Pat, and Stan. We are talking about 3 top of the list forever treasured friends. Happy Birthday you guys. I love you so much.


30 things that make me happy


1. My relationship with God
2. the smell of mod podge
3. touching my babies' skin
4. marmalade- my grandma loved marmalade jam also
5. zip lock bags and storage containers
6. my girls snacking on avocados and cucumbers
7. music
8. 70 degree sunshine weather
9. doing what I know I should be doing
10. Taking naps with Kenzie- I love to snuggle with that girl.
11. butter mints at weddings
12. finding a good deal
13. funniest home videos
14. when Chay gets home
15. feeling healthy, having energy
16. driving alone in Chay's car with music really loud
17. helping when I am really needed
18. nature, scenery, mountains, trails, trees, peace
19. putting on brand new socks
20. being with people I love and trust and knowing they feel the same about me
21. Malcolm in the Middle and Scrubs
22. older folks who are pure, wise, and make evident they have lived a good life
23. going to the temple
24. swinging
25. looking at house plans
26. Mormon Tabernacle Choir
27. garage sales and thrift stores
28. a clean functional house
29. remembering Mom's laugh...she had this contagious wheeze thing when she laughed.
30. reminiscing and re-telling college stories with Emily

joy

I met Joy today.

She was sitting at a table in Costco in the book section.

My reaction, "Oh my gosh are you really Joy?"
Her reaction, "yes I am sweetie."

I then went about to ask her about trimming my bushes, my apple trees, organic fertilizer, tulips...

I listen to "Joy in the Garden" whenever I can on Saturday mornings on talk radio. She has this perfect grandma voice and whatever she says about plants and gardens I unquestionably believe her. It's the grandma voice that is the most convincing.

Grandmas know flowers.

Anyway so I bought her book. It is a lovely book. I bought it because it's a Utah gardening book- which is a bonus because most places don't deal with our soil.

I read a lot of it last night and just dreamed of having that beautiful yard...but then quickly realized how much work a beautiful yard is...so dreaming about one is far easier and cheaper. I think I will just stick to dreaming about one for right now. I'm lucky enough to get the weeding done. Plus my girls picked half of my tulips before they even bloomed this spring.

But we have plenty of dandelions...the wonder of dandelions to little girls is always so fun...

I have little bouquets of dead dandelions all over my house "just for you Mom"

I wake up to dead dandelions. They were delicately placed on my nightstand by 4 year old hands. I can't seem to throw them away. Ironically the pile of weeds bring me much joy when I first wake up in the morning.