ju ju

We were trying to teach Mckenzie how to say Julia's name the other day...so far she only calls her "baby"- well in all our efforts to teach Kenzie her new sister's name out came a cute "ju ju"

Well Julia is somewhat better I think...depending on the day. But overall I would say she cries a little less. I found a website www.babycolic.com and the advice seemed to help a little. She actually has moments now when she is awake and not crying. Little steps...I am just looking forward to the day when she isn't in pain anymore and we can just have a normal day. She is a joy nonetheless- with her big infected eyes staring up at me reminding me she is innocent and pure.

Here is a little video of her for you to enjoy- I swear I see a little smile- but knowing her it is probably gas.

can't resist

So my sister sent me post partum post cards.

One of the many reasons why I miss my family so much
-our humor...and we just understand each other you know?

thanks Joette -

this is my favorite one- all I could say was "amen"

prayer

Julia has colic. It is breaking my heart, breaking my sanity, breaking...already broken.

She cries and cries.

and cries.

Her belly aches. We go through 15-20 diapers a day. She is gassy and passes gas all day which means her diapers have little streaks of poop which if I don't catch quick enough gives her a horrible rash. I have tried 4 different ointments and have finally found one that works with her skin. Still she cries, screams, turns red, tears...

The days are long but the weeks go fast. I was telling Chay this and we both said almost in perfect unison "just like the mission"

I have divided myself down the middle with the idea of having more children now. It is either we are done or I can handle any baby after Julia.

It was daring I know- to make a trip to Costco with Kenzie and Julia. Julia starts to scream. I take her out of the car seat and do all I can to calm her down. Kenzie gets restless and starts to whine a little. I push the big cart with one hand, hold Julia in the other, grab the big container of grapes- open it up and basically give Kenzie permission to go to town on the grapes just so I can deal with one crying baby at a time. Julia finally falls asleep. Of course the sampler lady who was sampling cheese wanted to see the baby. I told her I just got her to quit crying. You could tell she was lonely and hated her job. She wanted to have a full on conversation with me and I wasn't really in the mood. But being polite I joined in with small chat and then she told me about her son who had colic. She had all these great ideas for me to try- like drinking a glass of wine 10 minutes before I nurse. Her words, "it really calms the baby and the mother right down" I gave her an odd look and thought "perfect, just what I needed to hear" I grabbed a couple pieces of cheese for Kenzie and took off.

Well it is Sunday and I am home. Mckenzie is sick with a cold and so Julia is all plugged up now. Kenzie's teeth are coming in. I just didn't want to deal with a sick tired toddler (church is right during nap time, 11:00) and a crying baby today. But last night I had decided I was going to bear my testimony today at church and here I am at home- so maybe I will blog my testimony. Blog my testimony- welcome to the evolution of gospel sharing through advancements of technology- who would ever imagine such a thing-

anyway- I pray literally 50 times a day. Every time I feed Julia, every time I burp her, every time I change her, when she cries, when Mckenzie cries, when they cry together- and even though angels don't come out of the heavens to take over my chaotic life and help with my kids, I feel peace and I get through 5-10 minutes of hell without punching a hole through the wall. Then when the 10 minutes of comfort is over I am down on my knees again. I am always just stopping right in the middle of something and praying. Kenzie hears me and she instantly folds her arms when I start to say "Heavenly Father" So she is either learning her mom is psycho or her mom loves Heavenly Father and trusts in Him so much that she will call upon Him anytime of the day. I'm sure it is a mixture of the two.

When I receive answers to prayer there aren't really any words to describe it. Spiritual communication is so often wordless- all I know is that my heart can be so full of pride and I can want so strongly for someone to feel sorry for me or that the world owes me a favor and then a simple prayer, which is hard to say when I am bitter- can somehow calm rage and discouragement. Does that make sense? Of course we know God is more powerful than the natural man- once we allow Him to be- but it's the allowing that can be so dang difficult. But the miracle of it all is the simple first step of submission is sometimes all we need and God will do the rest. I can pray and somehow feel light, at ease, and be so much more enduring than I was 5 minutes before I prayed.

the power of prayer-

Although I feel so much discouragement about Julia crying all day and although I cry with her too sometimes, I can feel my relationship with my Father growing. When I catch myself saying in my prayers, "Father I have done everything I can, I don't know what to do or how to handle this, please take over" then I know I am beginning to understand the atonement a little more and gaining a stronger testimony of the love my Father in Heaven has for me.

Sometimes it can be almost frustrating to grasp the magnitude of it all- the trials that tear us apart yet the encircling arms of the Lord's love all at the same time. You just want to say to the heavens "this isn't really fair, yet ok if this is what it takes...ok" It is bittersweet to go through a trial and know at the same time the Lord is shaping and molding you and preparing you for something far greater. Prayer really keeps trials in perspective.

tribute

to my mom

Some bad days...lately.

2 days after my mom left I felt my world was going to crumble.

I have too many tomatoes growing outside. Reluctant to do anything that requires work, I end up making the biggest bowl of salsa. It took a lot longer than I wanted it to and yet I was somewhat pleased with it knowing Chay would appreciate it...Kenzie opened the fridge and dumped the whole bowl over. It splattered all over my rug, up the island, and inside the cupboards. Now this is all happening when I am sleep deprived and dealing with Julia who has colic or something- she only stops crying when she's asleep or eating. I look at the salsa mess and just start to cry. I wipe it up with thoughts, "Is this what I came to earth for? To clean up salsa? To play dress up with dolls, to hold a crying baby all day, to get stretch marks, to make dinner, do dishes, to not talk to anyone for days on end?"

baby blues? Oh probably

Here I am feeling sorry for myself- feeling a little lost in the big moving world...I really don't know what I feel to be honest- which can be worse sometimes. I am just trying to grasp this whole life thing- Heavenly Father's plan for me, while I change diapers and bounce up and down on our bed all day holding Julia- trying to sooth her. I just want to ask, "what am I accomplishing here?" I always hear these inspirational quotes "Carpe Diem, make each day count, go for the gold, today is the first day of the rest of your life" you've all heard them a million times- yet to a mother with new little children these quotes can be quite discouraging. I mean honestly who feels they are reaching their potential when they are hazy all day from little sleep, wearing the same shirt for three days in a row, yelling at their toddler to stop drawing on books...it is hard to picture yourself all grand and glorious in this life for being a mom. I guess the world tells us we need to have a plaque on the wall, praise, showy talents, special knowledge to be of any worth...hmmmm

Tribute to my mother. Isn't it interesting how I feel this way about myself yet I look to my mother with the highest regards. I look at her in aw for the person she is and the life she is living. She too spent many days wiping up, cleaning up, sweeping up, chasing down after her children. She too had many long days where I am sure felt like nothing got accomplished besides surviving motherhood. Yet I honor and respect her- her life, her faith, her love has given me the perfect example to live by.

My mom is holding on to life. She is a fighter. She isn't trying to earn a huge degree or land a job she has always wanted before she dies- she isn't trying to feel good about herself by accomplishing something great in the world's eyes- she is just filling her life up with love. She listens, nurtures, and cares for her children. She isn't a fake grandma- she is the real deal. She actually cries when she says goodbye to Mckenzie and takes time to leave her notes and gifts. She is searching constantly for guidance from the spirit. Her life is driven by faith and inspiration. She knows Heavenly Father loves her even though she is always in pain, always fatigued. My mom's last days will be spent in her flower garden, or painting a room, or fixing something in the garage, or preparing a lesson for church- she is a fighter because she chooses life despite what life chooses for her.

My mom came down to help me with the baby. She slept on a couch in the basement. She must have climbed those dreadful steep stairs 15 times a day. She cooked meals, did my laundry, painted rooms, painted trim- all with stage 4 cancer. She hardly complained. Even though she did many physical things for me- my most treasured part of her stay was when she would sit with me and listen to me talk and when she would be my support during the first horrid days of breastfeeding. I treasure seeing her spend time with Kenzie and giving Julia a bath. I treasure her prayers.

Motherhood. We are taking care of God's children. So...hmmm spending all day with little children, caring for them, hugging them, talking to them, cleaning up messes...can it possibly be the most important thing we can do for a human soul? Children must gain their concept of God by the way they are parented by their earthly parents...it only makes sense. So maybe I did come to earth to clean up spilled salsa. Being with Kenzie practically every waking moment of her life teaches her trust and confidence...singing nursery songs, holding a crying baby for hours, reading books, unloading the dishwasher, eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches together all might be pretty righteous works...some major building of the kingdom of God. We may one day see how these simple acts of love contributed to healthy development of the child and spiritual preparation for the mom in this life and the life hereafter. Yes sleepless nights, tried patience, yelling at our kids and asking them and the Lord for forgiveness, teaching our little ones how to pray and be reverent may not get a whole lot of recognition- but we are becoming Christ-like whether we realize it or not.

Well just an insight- easier to write about than to actually accept- the long days get to me you know? I am thankful for prayer.

first week

I sat in the rocking chair this morning, dazed, numb, in denial. I did not want to get up from that chair. I just wanted to sit there the entire day. I was holding Julia in one arm. I had just finished feeding her and I was letting my cracked, blistered nipple get some air- Kenzie was in my bedroom scattering clean clothes my mom just folded the night before all over the room.

I'm on day 12 with Julia. Even though things are tough they don't even compare to the first week home.

Postpartum. We really don't think much about it or even talk a whole lot about it. We all just get happy and smiley when we know someone had a brand new baby. Trust me-the week to serve is the first week after someone has a baby.

Exhausted, Dermaplast, lansinoh cream, Tucks, super maxi pads, engorgement, bleeding nipples, tired, ice packs, painful urination, tired, exhausted, emotions, sore muscles, achy hips, feedings every 2-3 hours, a toddler running around, hormones,...tired

The nurses at the hospital told me I was a nursing pro. They reassured me Julia was latched on perfectly. 3 days later Julia pukes up her feeding all over the floor and there was more blood than milk. I try pumping- the bottle filled up with blood. My nipples were coming off of my breast! At least it looked that way and felt that way.

I get very envious of those who don't have problems nursing. I had the same problem with Kenzie. Plus to complain even more- I have a broken breast due to surgery that Julia won't take because milk doesn't come out fast enough...talk about lopsided...oh brother

But I won't give up.

This too shall pass- it has to.

I guess these trials all bring us closer to Heavenly Father. Right when I want to go off about how unfair I have it- I am reminded of all the opportunities I have to call upon the Lord for help. When I was dilated to a 10 and going through severe contractions the midwife told me the combination of my swollen cervix and the position of the baby is preventing the birth to progress like it should. I immediately said with deep breaths, "Let's pray, Heavenly Father will help" My mom said a prayer and with the very next contraction the baby passed the cervix. The midwife smiled and said, "your baby just dropped a good 4 inches" Pain, trials, humility invites the needing of Heavenly Father. I say a prayer every time I breastfeed. I pray 20 times a night to get through the pain and discomfort.
I know Heavenly Father will help me. He already has a million times.

I can sense my faith is stronger than it used to be. I can feel myself wanting to get discouraged and feel depressed with all the changes- but there is that tiny ounce of strength, that little testimony deep down inside that tells me I can do this, the Lord will help me, my calling as mother is the highest calling I can obtain in the kingdom of God...these little reminders help keep me going, and get me off the rocking chair.

julia

Ok well she is here. Little Julia. Chay already calls her his jewels...which she is.
I arrived at the hospital around 4:30 Tuesday morning. My contractions were hard but spaced far apart which convinced me I wasn't very far along in labor. The nurse was quite surprised to find me dilated to an 8. After pacing the room a hundred times I decided to take advantage of the hot tub in the room. It was the best thing ever! No wonder they say water is nature's epidural. The midwife would put pressure on my back during each contraction- then she taught Chay how to do it. It was the best relief. After I got out of the hot tub, I had about 45 minutes of painful painful contractions and in 2 pushes Julia arrived. Oh what an amazing feeling to feel her pass through my body. In just 2 seconds the pain was gone. My eyes filled with tears. They placed her in my arms immediately after she was born. She was covered in blood. All I could say, "my baby, my little baby" They cleaned her, Chay cut the cord, sucked out her nose and mouth all while I held her. I couldn't believe her dark hair- so much of it. Our new little daughter so fresh from Heavenly Father...

Julia Kaye Clark is 20 1/2 inches long, weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and arrived to earth at 7:22 am August 8th 2007. Her middle name is my mom's middle name- in honor of Julia's strong faithful grandmother, Edie Kaye.

Postpartum is probably worse than natural child birth in its many different aspects- healing, breastfeeding, no sleep- but I don't feel like talking about that now...maybe later. But Julia is beautiful- she is peaceful, small, perfect- the spirit is strong in our home despite our little gruffs from being so entirely wasted.

Enjoy the small movie- it is kind of long- but I figured family members would just love it.







holding two



my new sister

labor

4 minutes apart

I can't sleep...too excited...too overwhelmed...hurts
No I don't have a crib set up...it is in pieces in the living room
My bedroom is full of Kenzie's furniture and clothes

Kenzie is sleeping in my bed right now. Her bedroom is non existent at the moment. I'm not sure what to do with her.

It is 11:36 at night...that means it will be a long night and it also means according to my cell phone clock...I will be having another contraction right about...now...ohhhhhh my strong strong....oh isn't this insane the pain we go through? ..... breathe....ok it's over not too bad....

Should I go to the hospital? I don't want to show up and have them tell me I am only dilated to 2.

I'm in labor.

Many prayers are running through my head.

what I needed

Well I was about to vent big time. I was going to complain about our ruined bathroom floor and not having a toilet nearby for 2 1/2 weeks, our water heater dying, Mckenzie coming down with the Herpangina virus that caused her to scream all day and wake up every 15 minutes at night, my house being in complete disarray because my parents and us decided to paint and fix up the girl's new room (which will be pretty cute) plus not sleeping well at night- all this just days before I am due....but then I get this email from Chay and well everything seems to be ok...I can handle anything...especially with Chay by my side and a few tears here and there to help release stress. This email is just what I needed.


Aprilicious,

Honey....I'm just sitting here at work doing my usual paperwork and listening to Chase's iPod. Firehouse's song from the early 90's "When I look into your Eyes" is playing and it just really made me think about all the good times and growth that we've shared together. Thanks for your love and always believing in me. I love you April. Go to the doctor today and get Kenzie looked at if she's not getting over her fever. I love you and I hope you enjoyed this random and cheesy email.

Chay

lost at lowes

I noticed I also have a blog entry titled "humbled at hardware store". I guess some of my life's greatest lessons are supposed to be learned where paint, sandpaper, and screwdrivers are sold. Who knew?

So the day was long...too long- my ankles were swollen along with my feet that seemed to be bursting the seams of my sandals. Chay and I had been walking up and down the aisles of Lowe's for about 2 hours filling our cart with the essentials of fixing a bathroom floor that was ruined from a leak...that in itself is worthy of a blog entry of its own...maybe later.

Nearing the end of our visit to Lowe's, we stopped in front of the cashiers and went over our list to make sure we didn't forget anything. At this time a man who kind of gave me the hiby jibbies stopped in front of our cart and laughed at Kenzie who was sitting on top of the toilet we were about to purchase. He then made this comment, "How much is the little girl? I would like to buy her if I could" Chay and I just pulled the courtesy laugh and didn't say much. Chay then remembered he needed something in plumbing. He took off towards the back of the store while we waited for him near the front. Kenzie became impatient and insisted she get down from the toilet. I let her down and she wondered behind a stack of boxes about 3 feet away from where I was standing. I couldn't see her but I figured she was playing with the plastic surrounding the boxes. After about a minute and half of not being able to see her and somewhat surprised she didn't come around the other side to check up on me like she usually does, I go and look behind the stack of boxes. I was about to say, "Come on Kenzie, let's go" but she wasn't there. I looked everywhere and she was no where to be found.

My heart started to pound as I searched up and down the aisles. I then began to scream Mckenzie's name. Each second that passed seemed like an hour. Chay heard me scream her name and he ran to the front of the store and told the employees. They locked the doors and within seconds there were about 6 employees looking for little Kenzie. There were about 10 customers who joined in for the search also.

Everyone kept asking me what she looks like. I just blurted out, "She is so cute...she has curly hair...light brown...very little...only 19 months old." Describing her made me so sad and frantic. I don't know if my brain is conditioned to handle trauma due to what I process from watching TV and movies, but I felt like I was in a movie almost- I just prayed to Heavenly Father "please help us find her, please don't give me this trial, oh protect her" I instantly thought of the creepy old man that wanted to buy her and my thoughts led me to be convinced that he had taken her. Five minutes had passed and she was still gone. I began to just crave her. The shock of it all was overbearing...I went into survival mode and began to think about her laugh, her smile, her kisses...her soft skin. I began to cry harder and more intense- tears started to make their way down my cheeks. I felt so empty and helpless. One employee kept reassuring me we would find her. I wanted to believe her but the tone of her voice reminded me too much of what you would hear in a movie...like she was saying to me what she was supposed to say to me in that kind of a situation...the whole experience was so surreal. Finally after 5-7 minutes of hell, we hear a voice several aisles down "we found her" oh those wonderful words- the best thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Again someone said, "here she is...we found her" I felt bursts of happiness surge through my whole body. I ran towards the voice and there she was, my little Kenzie playing with some wrenches she pulled off the shelf. I picked her up and just cherished the feel of her little body. I softly whispered over and over, "Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you" She understood something or she knew she was lost because she immediately hugged me back for a long time.

That was so horrible of an experience. Everything in my world flipped for 5 minutes. I was truly reminded of my dear love for my daughter.

Can you believe Heavenly Father loves us more than we love our children? I wonder what He must feel when we go astray and become lost. Does He ache like I did when I lost Mckenzie? When God revealed to Enoch how many of His children, the very "workmanship of His own hands" would disobey Him, God wept...

Imagine what Heavenly Father feels when we return to Him?

A really weird twist...but loosing Kenzie at Lowe's helped me realize my worth, my true divinity. I am a child of God.

at the beach

 

Sarah McLachlan and Josh Groban - In The Arms Of The Angel

ok...this is for Calie who is passionate about Josh and yet it is for me who loves Sarah...oh and for Marne...she is lucky enough to go to Josh's concert next month....so all you go ahead and sing along...two amazing singers.

month 9

sacrament meeting:

quiet toys, 4 ward bulletins and crayons, water cup and fishy's (GoldFish Crackers, Original Flavor) always seem to help keep little Mckenzie busy enough to not want to run up and down the aisles in the chapel. This last Sunday however it was Mom who made the embarrassing scene during Sacrament Meeting. It confirmed my overly passionate disliking of being 9 months pregnant.

Kenzie dropped a goldfish under the pew and instead of crawling under to get it, she did her little whine she often does when she wants something. Of course my goal is to keep her quiet and reverent so I quickly look for the runaway fishy. It was in a really awkward spot to reach for someone with the belly the size of mine. I stretched and reached but to no avail the fishy rescue was unsuccessful. My concluding thoughts were to just leave the dang cracker in its new place but the little whines kept getting louder as Kenzie persistently pointed to the fishy. I finally got on my hands and knees between the two pews and picked up the GoldFish. Mckenzie instantly resumed back to "happy content child" as she gulped down the cracker. I however found myself in quite the situation. Every time I attempted to get up off my knees and sit down on the bench...I would fail miserably. I was stuck.

Ok so of course I am kind enough to myself or prideful enough whichever of the two who knows- to immediately complain about the year the church was built and how the stupid pews were installed so close together...but the complaining didn't help me get unstuck and only caught Chay's attention. He looks down at me with this look of bewilderment, "What are you doing?" He asks me. "I was trying to get a fishy!" which made me look even stupider. "Get up" Chay insisted. "I can't," I was getting hot and embarrassed, "My butt is too big...I'm stuck" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Mckenzie started to giggle thinking mom was trying to be funny. Chay gave me his hand and told me to move away from the hymn book holder which was sticking out from the front pew. It was out far enough to keep me from getting up. What seemed like forever but was probably only 45 seconds or so, I was freed from the tight space between the pews...it was just plain awkward. Why we decided to sit 2 rows from the front row that day I don't know...but I can just imagine who all saw the new fat pregnant girl get stuck between the pews.

I hate being 9 months pregnant. It is official. I only have 25 days left until due date arrives. Women are amazing for bearing children...

I am so tired, so worn out and exhausted...I just want to sleep and sleep but of course my bladder only let's me sleep for maybe 3 hours at a time. I can't even begin to explain how wiped out I feel. They say I'm a little anemic...but iron pills aren't really helping. Oh how I just want to drift away on a cloud with no aches or pains or Mckenzie to wake me up.

I just want to jump out of this huge tired body and run as fast as can and jump into a lake. I just want to feel youthful and light.

Our hardwood floors don't help on the whole self esteem issue...I feel like an elephant when I walk anywhere in our house...boom, boom, boom...oh it is lovely...a great reminder.

I don't know what I would do without Chay's basketball shorts. They have a big elastic waist. The minute I come home from anything the first thing I do is put on his shorts. Chay's not allowed to wear them...I tell him to take them off politely if he has them on. Oh he is so understanding.

The skin on my belly was pretty tolerable with Kenzie but round 2 has been different. I always want to sing the Caramello candy bar commercial tune when I look at my new little depressing stretch marks "stretch it out out out....caramello" I will optimistically say for the rest of my life, "These stretch marks are my battle wounds from a great victory" and "I am so grateful bikini's and modesty don't mix" but still I will hate them forever...month 9- the last stretch...so we hope... literally.

I have been teary eyed lately. Hormones, long lonely days, tired, sick of cleaning the same pan every single night after dinner...you know the silly things that get pregnant girls going on a blubber fest for 20 minutes. I was thinking about how my life is going to change drastically here in a few weeks. I was feeling doubt about being a mother of two. How am I going to do it and still keep my sanity? How am I going to reassure Kenzie my love for her is the same even though I can't be there for her all the time? When will I sleep? When will I get to write on my blog? When will I be able to exercise? How am I going to fly home to see my mom? How will I afford diapers for two? When will I get to use my talents and do things just for me? Ahhhh I was starting to open up to Chay and I looked over at him in bed and he was fast asleep...poor thing- he is gone 12-13 hours a day and I know he has his own set of worries and concerns- oh it is all interesting this ride called life...ups and downs...all make us who we are and who we are to become...regardless I hate being 9 months pregnant.

back to the prairie

little to none sarcasm, hard work, obedience, God-fearing people, honesty, kindness, trials with hope, morals, family first, respect for children and parents...

Does it get any better than Little House on the Prairie?

I mean I will admit, I am a little desensitized by the culture. I find humor in demeaning TV shows where the pessimistic things in life are supposed to be funny, where infidelity is a given, where competition between people go to extreme and back biting and deceiving is how you win, where sexual conduct is almost expected, where destructive sarcasm towards the family unit is down right hilarious...and isn't it sad? It is sad.

One day a few weeks ago, I was flipping through channels right in the middle of the day. I had laundry to do and counters to wipe but I just wanted to do nothing but watch TV. Well I came across an episode of Little House on the Prairie. I instantly was having flashbacks of my childhood and how I would race off the bus and run down my driveway as fast as I could so I could catch the first part of Little House on the Prairie. I still remember it started at 3:30 in the afternoon.

The flashbacks were inviting and so I decided to keep watching...The first 10 minutes or so of Little House on the Prairie I kind of giggled...almost embarrassed at how gentle and loving the Ingles family were towards each other.

"Oh Charles I am so glad you are home. Sit down and have supper, you've must of had a hard day" says Caroline as Charles walks in the door after a long day of work. Charles responds, "Nothing is better than being home with the family" The whole family smiles at each other as they sit together for dinner.

I wanted to smile knowing if I was with my sister and in a certain mood I would just laugh uncontrollably at the overly unrealistic kindness portrayed in the show. Joette and I would have a hay day making fun of this show...but the more I watched the more intrigued I became by the wholeness of the show and the more intrigued I became by the emptiness of the shows that are on television today.

I can't even believe the show was allowed to air because it definitely wouldn't fly today. There is too much about God which would make the ACLU and insane liberals go crazy and too much kindness and morality which would bore the average TV watcher who is looking for sour entertainment and blown out of proportion drama. I mean honestly when Caroline tells Charles to stop tilling their wheat fields on Sunday because it is the sabbath you know you are in for an hour of pretty dang good stuff- but to the average person who is sucked into a "world of shifting values" (thank you Pres. Hinckley) would be completely bored with the good of the show... parents disciplining their children for not being honest, serving your neighbor, faith when life is hard, hard work teaches great lessons, depending on family through trials...these type of principles taught on the Prarie don't seem to grab the interest of many anymore like I guess it used to...

Oh back to the prairie...a life lived simply- where you wear the same dress every day and have nothing yet life is rich in blessings and happiness. I just love the show. I reminded my mom about how a couple channels still play the reruns and we talked on the phone yesterday how she cried and cried over an episode...Where is Michael Landon when you need him most?

When my mom was a stake missionary they were teaching a man with a rough past who was even an ex-con I believe about the Spirit and what it feels like. The man said, "Is it kind of like the feeling you get when you watch Little House on the Prairie?"

So anyway...this is my kick on my new favorite old time favorite TV show. I have decided after watching how hard people had to work back then just to eat and survive that I better be more grateful and work a little harder. And as embarrassing as it may sound and I probably won't mention it in testimony meeting, Little House on the Prairie has helped me see many blessings in my life and well...as Charles Ingles so beautifully put it, "If you have a lot of money and no friends or family you are the poorest man on earth." The show has really put things into perspective for me and kind of made me rethink my priorities.

Ok I know you are humming the theme song in your head right now...

big & beautiful

big and beautiful I must say

my belly and butt
utah mountains
our house payment
my lost wedding ring
my love for Chay
my student loan
kenzie's appetite & diapers
the Great Salt Lake
my tomato plants
my hoping to be a good mother
my moles
my dad and brothers
the Salt Lake Temple
my dreams and goals
my body pillow
mckenzie's curiosity
the pile of dishes in the sink
the pile of laundry in my room....
my grocery list
my desire to have this baby tomorrow
my mom's faith
my heart

returning home

I always thought going home meant visiting my family and staying in the house I grew up in here in beautiful Newman Lake...but I think I am starting to understand the whole "cleave unto your husband" thing- because dang it I miss Chay! I just want to be home- the home where I belong.

We have had simple fun up here on our visit. Kenzie has loved being outside playing with the kitty and being able to go wherever she wants with no worries from me. She has played a lot with cousins. The beauty of where I grew up is breathtaking- everything is green, mountains surrounding, trees as far as the eye can see...yet it isn't home without Chay.

One thing I have learned about marriage in these few years together is to treasure the peace Chay and I feel being a couple. Of course there are the tough times, the miscommunications, the hurt feelings, the boring meaningless times- but we are solid-depending on each other just enough and feeling whole by ourselves just enough to be comfortable and committed to each other for the rest of this life and well for eternity. I guess it is true when they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder" because this week being away has really made me appreciate Chay. So I thought I should write it down so I could read it when I need a reminder of how good I have it.

When I visit my family I always like to go through my bedroom closet and search through my boxes of pictures and keepsakes. This time around I came across a binder of letters and emails from guys I have dated from the start of college until I married Chay. They were so funny to read and it seemed like each guy was so different from the next. One was very romantic and overly passionate about me- one was a mysterious intellectual who said just enough to keep me liking him, one was super funny...bla bla bla...and as I read the letters I blushed almost like I was reliving the relationship for a second. I kept thinking what life would be like if I married one of these guys instead of Chay. Mckenzie just looked at me while I giggled through the letters. Then I looked up at her and could see so much of Chay in her and I thought, "I married the right person...I mean look who we have created. Plus no one could have put up with me like Chay has...so a romantic, intellectual,- all doesn't matter- just Chay...is all I need." So I am coming home...tomorrow.

Here is a video...just so Chay can get even more excited to see little Kenzie.

simple joy

Yes, she loves to laugh! Mckenzie really teaches me to relax and enjoy just about anything. Enjoy the silly videos. Make sure your volume is up!

hogle zoo




dinner time




at the park

my first

I kept a journal of Mckenzie's first year in her baby book but now I ran out of pages. I need to get this down for the record somewhere and I thought, "I will just blog it- family members will just love it!" So here you go.

charts: 33 inches tall, 32 lbs- 95% for height, 70% for weight




Every moment is blown out of proportion, every new skill is bragged about to grandparents, every night either Chay or I or the both of us take a peek at her sleeping- it is all apart of the first child syndrome I am sure. I just get so giggly inside when she wakes up in the morning with her hair all over the place. She takes me right back to childhood so many times during the day, I find myself being goofy just to make her laugh, drawing hearts and stars, and hide and go seek is ever so fun.

Kenzie is 17 months now. She can say "baby" "Da da" (daddy), "uh oh" "cheese" "ball" "hi" and wave -and many more words that only I can understand- She watches me make a bottle for her cousin Gage and I always count out loud the number of each scoop of formula. Yesterday I finished off a can of formula and gave her the can, lid and scoop to play with. She took the scoop and counted "rum, roo, ree" It was so adorable -but for the most part she just rambles and rambles all day. I better prove myself to be a good listener because I have a feeling she will be a talker.

You can say "Let's sing" to her and she will start to sing. She absolutely loves Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She will fold her arms when we pray. She loves to say "amen" when the prayer is done although it doesn't sound like amen at all. She will put her finger up to her mouth and say "shhhhh" when I tell her it is time to be quiet. Whenever she sees our 4 wheeler or another one she always makes the sound "vrrrrrrrroom" She is a big tease. She loves to pretend to give you something only to fake you out and start running the other way giggling. She always wants to play "I'm going to get you" Oh my she giggles so much.

She is fascinated with screwdrivers and screws. Nothing keeps her busier. She takes a screwdriver all over the house and sticks it in every hole with a screw. She loves the computer or would love it- we don't let her touch it which almost always results in a tantrum.

She loves to eat. She likes lettuce? Weird. One of her and mine favorite foods is peas and salted sunflower seeds. She gobbles up avocados. She isn't a big fruit lover however. I can't get her to eat canned peaches or pears and she will only take a bight of a banana here and there. I can never fail at lunch if I make bean burritos with cheese in the microwave- easy easy- She loves soy milk and oatmeal. I gave her grape nuts for a week straight for breakfast and I will never do that again-she was pooping 3-4 times a day.

Mckenzie is so loving and cuddly. She is full of hugs and kisses. She took turns on Sunday during sacrament kissing Chay and I on the cheek. She loves touch. She loves to cuddle. She will look at me right in the eyes and start brushing my face. She rubs my arms and hair when I rock with her.



Ok- well sugar and spice and everything nice? Um...she is a nightmare too. Hence the video. She is demanding and when she doesn't get her way- she will throw herself on the floor and roll around. I just ignore her unless she starts being destructive to the house. For some reason she isn't adjusting to the new house very well and ever since the move she refuses to go to sleep on her own. She wakes up at 3 in the morning screaming bloody murder. We try to ignore it for awhile but since our walls are paper thin we give up and rescue her- caring more for the sleepless moment than the scary outcome of this bad habit. Once I get the strength both physically and emotionally I will probably let her cry it out...not fun. But all in all she wins our hearts over by morning time- especially Chay who only sees her an hour a day- he loves cuddling up to Kenzie in the early morning hours.

Capturing every moment...of our first- she will grow up so fast.

dad

Do you want a taste of how much my dad loves my mom? Visit Joette's blog entry "true love" http://www.whereverfinemusic.blogspot.com/

My dad is turning 64 this Tuesday. He is a man of many colors which always makes and made home life interesting. He has caused me a great deal of contemplating and discovery over the years as I have tried to understand him.

So we argue here and there but it is only because we are so very much alike.
Compassion for myself has led me to have compassion for him. I see a whole new person now in my dad. I can see his heart, his childhood, his love for his family, his aches and pains- and it has caused an unraveling of bitterness in me and now I just see how lovely of a person he is.

He is my hero. He takes care of his family like a father and husband should. I miss my dad.

pregnant

ok nothing is worse when you tip the scale at 172 and you still have 2 1/2 months left of weight gain- oh good! This pregnancy has been so different from my first.

I am to say the least very squishy to the touch. Softness is a kinder way of putting it- ghetto booty, thunder thighs, relief society arms- you name it- I claim it. I am sure it is beautiful in some special mothery way but I just feel so...um...fat? It isn't the best feeling to feel when summer requires less clothing and plus it seems like this is the season to get in shape- everyone I know is on some kick to lose weight- hello? not fair? give me a twinkie please-

No honestly I eat fairly well and I feel that I am super busy with the new house, yard work, chasing Mckenzie, bike rides- but "mother" nature is taking its course on me and I just feel like complaining. I can't wait to have this little baby and to somehow get my body back. Does anyone know how I feel?

Pants are tight, shirts too small, ankles swollen, uncomfortable in bed- I need to start a business designing maternity clothes. It is so hard to find a shirt that is half way cute that doesn't have a v-neck all the way to your cleavage. Most summer maternity shirts are sleeveless or almost sleeveless- the pants never fit right- my butt always peeks when I bend over or get in the car- plus maternity clothes are never on sale. Oh the beauty of it all-

So I complain...in hopes it will make me feel better- which it doesn't- but then again nothing compares to feeling a little one inside kicking and reminding me of the precious life I am helping to create- so bittersweet this whole co-creator thing.

i am a mother

I want to write my thoughts on motherhood today. Sometimes moms get a little discouraged on Mother's day-a little bit of inadequacy sneaks in between the flowers and cards. Today however was more of a peaceful day and another answer to prayer.

I am starting to really truly see and believe in the power of being a Mother in these last days. The Lord is really blessing me with wonderful insight on who I am. Each woman individually has to experience her own sense of belonging in the Kingdom of God before she can claim to be pro mom, pro staying home all day, pro diapers and sleepless nights- I think Heavenly Father is so merciful as He allows me to see precept upon precept my worth. We all hear endlessly how wonderful mothers are, our divine calling...but I tell you it is a personal journey to accept and believe what you hear.

I am a mother. I know in the end I will have chosen the greatest path. The world convinces us otherwise and it is so easy to believe there is something out there greater- more fulfilling- but what can it possibly be? What is greater than a soul? As mothers we are taking care of Heavenly Father's children- His work and His glory- Isn't that amazing? A little overwhelming- but still it really puts things into perspective.

You can pray for anything right? Well I discovered that my bitterness towards staying home while Chay lives a functioning social and intellectual life wasn't getting me anywhere. It made things worse. I was dwelling too much on how unfair I had it. I believed enough that God could help. Slowly things are starting to make sense and being a Mom isn't so bad once I started to believe how important I am in God's plan. Kenzie is so funny. I babysit little Gage and oh my...what a piece of heaven in our home. Babies are so innocent and perfect it takes my breath away sometimes. The baby inside me kicking like crazy will be so brand new and fresh from Heavenly Father's presence...it is just amazing how much Heavenly Father trusts us!

So my little testimony of motherhood is growing each day. I thank Heavenly Father for being patient and loving me regardless. There is so much joy to experience once we just let go of whatever prideful thing we are holding on to-

Happy Mother's Day.

the moment

Well it happened... the moment I've been waiting for and even imagined before I was a mother.

Every night or almost every night Chay and I attempt to make bedtime somewhat special for little Kenzie. It is messy most of the time. Everyone is tired and cranky. We sing a song- usually a primary song and half the time we don't know all the words. Chay and I must have been both goof offs during singing time growing up because we are primary song illiterate. We manage "I am a Child of God" and "Families Can be together..." quite well. We then say a little prayer- which usually consists of asking Heavenly Father to help Kenzie sleep through the night.

So that is our little routine. Well tonight Kenzie warmed our hearts. After getting her pajama top on over her head, Chay mentioned it was time for song and prayer. Mckenzie folded her arms, bowed her head, and closed her eyes and started to pray in her jibberish. I am sure from the reaction she got from her parents probed her to keep doing it over and over again- but it was priceless.

Nothing is more important than teaching my children about Heavenly Father's perfect love for them. Sports, work ethic, reading...are all nice- but my wish is to have children with a burning testimony of the Savior first and before all. I was raised by a mother who freely expressed her faith daily. Growing up we were never ashamed to talk spiritually on a Wednesday afternoon. Our family doesn't have to be in a Family Home Evening setting to bring up a scripture or talk about God's hand in our life. Mom lives a Christ centered life instead of just having Christ apart of her life...He is her life... talk about an amazing example...yet so hard to follow her lead.

I am just grateful Kenzie is learning to talk to Heavenly Father. Chay and I couldn't stop smiling tonight. It was pure joy.

chaos theory

Why is the honey in with the cleaning supplies?
Kenzie, I don't think Dad's power drill is a good toy.
I swear I had more diapers, didn't I see them under the sink?
I wouldn't eat that triscuit if I were you. Where did you get it anyway?
You want some ice cream? Go get it- the fridge is out on the back porch.

Yes, these are all true statements- all derived out of living in chaos for a week.

We are living out of boxes for the time being as we patiently work hard to finish the hardwood floors. Every day is a digging session in search of that one particular item I swore I wouldn't need for a while. Unable to unpack, unable to undue a big mess, unraveled I have become. A little frazzled wishing to unfrazzle to say the least. Understand?

With high dreams and hopes of uncovering layers of carpet and linoleum to rediscover the original hardwood floors of our new 1949 home, we blindly entered full force into quite the situation. Planing on a 3 day project has stretched out to a week now with no real end in sight. Chay has scraped and scraped his brains out. A light at the end of the dark tunnel shined brightly as Emily and Greg called and offered to help. Not once, not twice- but 4-5 nights they drove a great distance to help. They're our heroes. They're our motivators. They were the only help we had. Then Jeff came. His arrival somehow gave us that extra boost to believe we can actually get this done someday.

The first night in our home we were tempted to rent a hotel. It was cold and we were without heat or hot water. The master bedroom was off limits with the carpet tore up. We slid our mattress into Kenzie's room. No crib. Late. Exhausted. I thought I was going to cry myself to sleep. I was stressed, freezing, tired, dirty, and displaced. Chay reassured me it was all going to be ok. And you know- it was ok. The three of us all cuddled together on the mattress. Kenzie fell asleep quickly from the long day, knowing no matter where she is, her family is her home. We woke up the next morning all together and I felt at peace. Until I walked out of the room of course- but the opposition and craziness all makes this experience real and- better yet we as a family are becoming closer. Chaos Theory.

When snow melts it travels all over the mountain in little streams. It is quite "chaotic" how the water finds its way down the mountain. Eventually the majority of the water ends up in bigger streams, then of course the rivers to the lakes, to the oceans, a perfect journey. From a larger perspective nature's course is structured and flawless. Yet on the way it can be quite messy and unpredictable and yet it all seems to work out in the end.

Eating dinner on the living room floor, living out of boxes, and all sleeping in the same room can seem a little hectic and it is- but really in the end relationships are strengthened and memories created. Even fights and bickering end in apologies and stronger communication. When things go hay wire, there is a motivating force somewhere within to retrieve the once comfortable homeostasis of living. Because of trials, disorder, arguments etc- we are given the chance to change, learn, grow- a lot more than if we didn't have the upset to begin with.

I figure sleeping with Mckenzie has helped her safely adjust to the new home. Cooking with only a microwave has caused me to be creative. Trust me- this is hind sight knowledge here- I still complain, I mean I'm normal.

We took off the ugly swan etched doors on our bath tub. There was a bunch of caulking to be removed. I sat there with a razor for two hours gently trying to remove the caulking without scratching the tub. Chay sat on our padded old toilet seat and talked to me almost the whole time. Now honestly who wants to remove nasty shower doors and who wants padded toilet seats? But you know, it is all adding tiny levels of thickness to mine and Chay's relationship. It is all worth it- I grudgingly say with a smile. It is all worth it? Yeah, I guess it is.

bye bye bountiful

We moved. After 4 years of apartment jumping, we finally graduated to first time home buyers. So as I packed, wrapped, stuffed, labeled, and made endless trips to the store, I reflected on the little yet busy town I have lived in the past year.

Everywhere you go, are, stand, drive, play, ect. in Bountiful-just look to the east and there is the sweetest reminder of God's perfect plan. The Lord's temple sits high on the mountain for all to see. You can't miss this beautiful edifice- it stares at you right in the face. I will see it when I'm driving home from shopping and I'll think..."am I doing what I should be doing? Were my purchases unnecessary? Oh how I need to go to the temple!" Either motivated out of guilt or gratitude, members of the church in Bountiful are blessed to be reminded daily of their great treasure, the temple- They are reminded the minute they walk outside their homes and look towards the mountains.

I will miss the Bountiful Temple-

Not once but twice I have been stuck in a rain storm or hail storm when out on walks with Kenzie. Not once but twice during these storms has someone stopped in their car and offered me a ride home. Sound a little scary?- oh not really- you've got to meet these people.

Well that is all I will miss to be frank. Oh and I will miss Chay being home at 6. He now commutes amost 2 hours at night on the bus. Pray he finds a transfer in Ogden!!

I have moved so much the past 10 years that I no longer get emotional or sad when I leave a ward, area, apartment- but I have decided to really open my heart to people this time around- I actually went on a walk and talked to 2 neighbors! I even went over and borrowed hand soap and a cutting board from my next door neighbors! Good job April.
New Chapter.

it's a girl

Ultrasounds are amazing aren't they? Another little girl coming our way. Our home will be so blessed with so many ladies! Just wait until the girls are 16 & 17! I'm sure our house will be visited quite frequently by the male gender! "Those Clark girls are hot!" happy happy joy joy

what in the heck?

We all wonder 'why' sometimes right? Well for Pete's sake -whoever the heck Pete is- why do yucky things happen to people continuously all week -day after day? Monday was a trip to the doctor's after 2 weeks of dealing with a horrible sinus infection. Then to top off the day, we find out later on that afternoon Chay didn't get the job he was a 100% sure he would get.

coughing, disappointment, earaches, discouraged, sore throat

Tuesday I pack all day and decide to go to the store and get a couple things for dinner. A quick decision to run to payless shoes and the dollar store before the grocery store fed the bad week beast. Somewhere between those two pointless stores I lost my dear wedding ring, yes my gorgeous unique wedding ring. I retraced my steps and literally ended up empty handed. Did I leave it at home? Did it fall off my finger? With a pounding heart and worried sick I finally made it to the grocery store. I was looking for hamburger buns but since my mind was only on my missing ring, I found myself walking up and down the baby aisle. Eventually I make it to the cashier and after ringing up a cart full of groceries I come to realize my debit card is missing from my wallet. What in the heck? Embarrassed I tell the cashier I can't buy the groceries. I drag Mckenzie out to the car. We ate rice and ketchup for dinner.

coughing, worried, tears, sore throat, disappointment, running nose, discouraged

Wednesday I wake up with hope of a miracle after coughing up a lung first. I tore apart the apartment even more than the night before. I went back to Payless and Dollar tree for the third time looking for my wedding ring. I gave out my name and number to all the surrounding stores. I came home and posted my lost on 2 huge community lost and found websites. My prayers were practically begging sessions. All day I would just say out loud "Oh please Father, help me find my ring" I was just sick inside. The only way I could handle the day was to pretend it never happened. That would last for maybe 5 minutes.

antibiotics kicking in, ache in heart, hopeful

Thursday, today, I wake up hearing myself tell Chay our lives are in God's hands and in the end it will all be ok. I figure it will all one day be a good story. I long for my ring. It looked so good on my hand. I'm vain I know. I decide to pay my bills and get back on track with life. I look for my check book. It is gone from its place. I can't find it anywhere. What in the heck? I am loosing my mind! Tears flow and I start to sob like a baby. I can't even believe this! I again search the entire apartment with a blank mind, no recollection of where it could possibly be. I finally call Chay and just start to cry. He tells me he is coming home. By the time he walks through the door, I had found my check book in the car. Chay was breathing hard and looked upset. He ran to the computer and just said in an irritated voice, "My debit cards were stolen on the bus" We deactivated everything. Call 911. Comes to find out his bus pass, 2 debit cards, and a $20 gift certificate were taken slyly from his wallet.

numb, angry, little cough, disappointed,
um...what in the heck?
better days please come our way

welcome spring

I wish you could see outside. Come outside with me!

It is so beautiful today. I have been craving cool breeze sunny days for a long time. I cried when I walked outside today. Thank you mom for creating such passionate daughters!

Woke up, cut off old maternity jeans into shorts, played in the sun with Mckenzie!

What a gift from Heavenly Father! Welcome Spring!

little light

Tonight while nursing Mckenzie (yes, I'm still nursing) she would reach up and touch my eye lashes. The softness of my lashes tickled her finger and she would just giggle and giggle. I know the last day to nurse her is soon approaching...and you know it makes me a little sad. It has been our little time together where everything in the world stops for a few moments and it is just me and her. I remember when she was first born and my nipples were scabby and bleeding from breastfeeding. Mckenzie wouldn't latch well and I basically would cry and scream when it was time to feed her. My mom's wise words, "trust me, it is worth the struggle, just trust me, anything worthwhile takes a battle at first" I wanted to believe her but at the same time I was ready to quit. I am so grateful I stuck it out...and as funny as it sounds, it causes little heartache to say goodbye to those little moments of cuddling skin to skin. But I have another baby coming August...so oh boy...

Kenzie is my little audience. Sometimes when I get in these passionate moods I will just tell her what is on my mind and over exaggerate the fluctuation in my voice. She will just listen to me and talk right back in her jibber jabber. Her eyes are so sincere that for a moment I feel that we are truly communicating.

I told her to pretend to be Paula Abdul while I try out for American Idol. We bought a play microphone the other day and well...we both take turns singing our hearts out. It can be mind boggling sometimes to grasp the concept that this little 15 month old girl has a mature spirit, stuck in a little body. She will teach me so much.

She is my light. I struggle sometimes with being home all day but to make it straight-It is never Mckenzie I struggle with. I know it is an inner battle that I deal with- It is how I deal with things, how I make choices, how I see things, my attitude- but anyone who has spent any time with Kenzie knows she is way too easy to love and be with. She is very entertaining to say the least. She is always laughing and giggling. She always flashes her huge smile at me and all I can do is look up to the heavens and say, "thank you Heavenly Father for sending me this positive little light into my life right now."

the invitation

First of all I am aware by some due to my last blog entry that my honesty can be alarming- somewhat worrisome. I call it my gift of self discovery.

Since we were two we have been told to never lie to our parents, teachers, friends- but somehow the permission to lie to ourselves was granted under hidden or sometimes obvious expectations, guilt, intimidation, pleasing, praise seeking- We then become strangers in our own life not knowing who we really are, not sure what drives us to true inner happiness because we have been living for so long trying to fit accordingly into another world. When we hear the statement, "Living in the world but not of it" or "attempt to stay away from worldly things" I take those statements a step inside and believe it is God's invitation to explore the inner me.

Honesty with myself has lead my heart to open. It has allowed great sadness and pain to enter which is never fun, but needed, so a healing can begin. I start by contemplating my motivations. Why do I do the things I do? What is the true leading source behind my actions? I notice I live in fear and guilt without even knowing it. I realize that sometimes I don't feel of total worth unless I receive some sort of praise or acknowledgement. For many years I was convinced Heavenly Father was only happy with me when I kept the commandments. I had a misconstrued idea of God's love. I concentrated so heavily on his justice I felt there was no room for mercy. Trust me- this took a long time to figure out I even thought this way. I was wrapped up in being an active member, doing what was right, doing all I could to prove to God I was worthy. Yet I felt something was missing. I now know God only wanted me- not the person I was pretending to be. Stripped and empty are invitations to allow Christ work in your life.

My last blog entry was how I felt inside. I knew something didn't feel right. So I decided to just get out what I was feeling. It is healthy- and I am still normal. Now the feelings are out in front of me, I can start to heal, explore, pray, search-Of course it's a journey and a life long eternal process- So many of us are still stuck in not willing to explore who we are and how we have lost little bits of ourselves along the way due to life's experiences. We don't want to figure out why we numb ourselves to too much TV, too much computer, over working, under working, obsessiveness with housework, food, rigid attitudes, blaming others, manipulating, persuading with guilt, getting angry over silly things, feeling depressed, not forgiving,- it is too easy not to change. Who likes to change the only thing that protects us from feeling hurt? The most difficult- the most challenging step is the first and that is to realize why and what it is that is preventing us as individuals from growth. The minute you let down those walls- you will start to feel insecure but if you allow Christ to enter/take over, the much needed pain will turn into peace. Peace... we all search for peace. Not just a peaceful day or moment- but peace in our souls continually.

I have so far to go. I am so thankful. I don't want to ever stop needing Christ. We think peace is the ending reward- nothing in God's plan ends. Needing the atonement is peace. Christ doesn't want us to be miserable, therefore He invites us to struggle, hurt, and ache so we can turn to Him.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."

to change

I'm not really sure what has been happening with my desire to write on my blog lately. They say it is writer's block supposedly- I just couldn't find the motivation for a long time to sit down and write. I still can't really but I am forcing myself to write anyway. I am scared at what I might write tonight- Because I am going to treat this blog entry like a journal entry where anything goes.

I have been so weird lately. I know so many people who are just so consistent and persistent with their lives where nothing stands in the way of their goals and their eternal perspective. It makes me envious in a way- a battle of mine. I just don't get it sometimes. I get discouraged and prideful so easy and I know in my heart how much Heavenly Father can help yet I just mope around for days in ugly self pity and just sulk about how much life has changed for me.

Motherhood has played a number on me. I will sadly admit it. I feel like I have taken the transition poorly. Completely unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster of Mommy land. Then again- there are so many women (unless they keep it hidden like I do most of the time) who just seem to adjust so well and giggle all day as they wipe bottoms and scrapbook during naptime- For me on the other hand I feel like a chunk of April has been chopped out or off of me and dropped down some bottomless ravine to never be found again. Pretty dramatic description- I know.

Although nothing compares to the sweet enduring love I feel for my child- I feel a little empty. But I have realized over the past couple months that this feeling has nothing to do with Kenzie and I obviously can't blame Chay for it, even though I would like to, especially when he gets me on a bad day. It is me. Spiritual Soul April Tomblin Clark. But I will get to that later. I still want to complain and vent a little about how I have been feeling.

Sometimes when I am off in my little day dreams as I sit on the couch as Kenzie is tearing apart her bedroom, I reminisce about the "good ol days" when I was single and had the best group of friends. Summer was full of late nights, camping under stars, cliff jumping, secrete spin the bottle parties, dances, crushes, sun kissed faces- it was all so glorious and carefree. I just remember always being on the go and laughing so freely. Then during the school year I would stay busy with sports. I remember in Young Women's I had to get up and share things about myself in front of the class. I was so confident in my answers: "I like to play basketball and ride my mountain bike. I like getting to know people and making friends" Who in the heck was I? Basketball? Mountain Biking? How does that fit in with a little 1 year old and being pregnant? Making friends? I have turned into the biggest introvert! I hate saying this but I have wanted to leave the apartment to go somewhere and I will notice my neighbor getting into her car and I will shamefully wait for her to get in the car before I will leave the house just so I don't have to have one of those fake encounters "Hi how are you?" "Oh good and you?"

Where am I heading? I feel like I have died! I contribute my new sudden shyness to moving so much in the last 5 years and gaining the mentality that whoever I become close to will soon be out of my life- but that is pretty pathetic. Then I question myself " maybe this is the real me and I was living a whole façade growing up?” ok that is ridiculous too.

But however ridiculous I may sound, what I am feeling is real. Real to the point that it makes me cry and I wish someone could hold me and rock me to sleep. It has been so hard for me to find staying at home fulfilling although the Holy Ghost confirms to me over and over I am doing the right thing. Plus- who would ever want to miss out on the sweet happenings of a child learning to walk, talk, love- oh it is priceless and my foreordained privilege to witness it. Yet at the end of the day when I lay in bed next to Chay who is stuck in bewilderment by his depressed unmotivated wife, I think to myself, “ok what did I do that was productive today? Ummm…I cleaned the bathroom, mopped the kitchen floor, finally folded that pile of laundry on the couch…” and although I try so hard to feel so well accomplished, I feel utterly unfulfilled and dissatisfied with the way my life is going.

I really become bitter and ugly at times- sometimes I question God why women were destined to clean kitchen floors when men get to use their brain, feel pressure to work hard and become educated. I feel I have so much to offer to something. I know, I know- I am offering so much to my children. They will benefit greatly from my skills and education. I know this and I expect they will- but is it selfish to say maybe just sometimes, “What about me?”

While visiting my family in Spokane, I invited an old friend to come over. She has a little girl who is 2 years old. She has a similar situation as me-husband works a lot, little money, little place to live that isn’t our own- anyway so I asked her what she does to keep her sanity. She replied, “Well I read to my little girl, we go to story time at the library, we go to play group at the mall and with the ward” I congratulated her on her tremendous efforts to get out of the house and then I said, “What do you do for yourself?” She went blank. Just like my face does on a typical mid-afternoon day when I’m deciding to either go shopping and spend money I don’t have or finish off the afternoon with Martha and Oprah.

Ok so I think we are all getting the picture of the self defeating whirlwind I am getting myself stuck in. It has been very difficult. Can I say that please without being judged? Is it possible to somehow get a little understanding before I get the flood of advice of how to change? I hurt inside. I feel lonely. I feel like I’m sort of lost. I know it sounds silly and life could be worse. I am so well aware of how easy my life is compared to some- but you know- one thing I have learned is heartache is heartache and we all need solace. We all need Christ- not just the ones who are dying of a debilitating disease or those living in stricken poverty, etc. Even someone like me.

It has been a learning battle between spiritual April and natural man April. When I pray at night and I strive for things to be grateful for; and after I get done with the water, trees, freedom of our country, my family, I sincerely say “Thank you for allowing me to see clearly my pride Father. I am so thankful that I can chip away at my natural man because I am able to actually see what parts of my personality, attitude, lack of testimony that cause me to drown and swell in so much pride." For so long my pride was this huge invisible wall I couldn’t figure out. I think growth can actually begin now. I just don’t want to grow sometimes. It is like I know something wonderful is right before me if I just peel away my stubbornness and allow myself to feel what God wants to give me. But pride is so powerful…chains. I have felt so lifeless and miserable all because I am refusing…well I hate to say it…but refusing Christ. Why is it so hard to change sometimes? It takes a lot of exploring. A lot.

Ok so I don’t love housework yet. I still long for worldly things. I still get bored- but this week I have come to realize how much God wants to give me. How much life there is out there for me to live. Yes even if I stay home everyday with my children and fold clothes till I’m 40. There is life to live- a life worth living is a life lived with God.

Our assumptions of God’s expectations slowly kill us. We are all different with different plans. God will fill our lives with happiness and exciting diversity if we but do simple things. It is so easy to doubt before we ever experiment upon His word. We just assume.

Well anyway- it is a slow process. I guess I am thankful for the heartache and loneliness- how else would I ever make scary steps to become like Christ? Nothing teaches me more than my own trials.

natural healers

I think my laptop is the only thing in this apartment that doesn't smell. A walk into the kitchen makes me and the toilet great friends. Morning sickness my friends...morning sickness all day. I have seemed to be too tired, too lazy, too sick, too whatever to do anything too productive these past weeks. I've noticed talking on the phone and playing my guitar seem to distract my stomach somewhat for 20 minutes or so. Whatever works right? I remember being pregnant and sick with Mckenzie and putting in a beautiful movie soundtrack CD and just crying. I knew my spirit needed that music at that time. natural healers...

Laying on the couch wrapped in my favorite blanket, green in the face, I attempt to pay the best attention I can to little Kenzie. She must wonder 'what in the heck happened to mom? She is so boring!!!' Well somehow she knows Mommy isn't up to par because she awkwardly walks over to the couch, practically falling on me due to lack of balance (she's learning!) lifts up the blanket covering my face and gives me 10 kisses in a row and pats my head. A natural healer oh my!

Although my apartment is small, dark, cold, etc., I do however love the window in our bedroom. It faces the back yard of the complex where it is pretty secluded. I open the window to an old tall red wooden fence. Our bed of course sits on famous much needed cinder blocks- so the bed is up high. I just lay there in the morning and let the sun hit my face and I swear I'm in heaven for 5 minutes.

Long phone calls with mom, honeycombs, rocking kenzie to sleep, jack in the box burgers, music, Chay, sunshine, New Testament, prayer, prayer, prayer...my small natural healers. My small blessings.