Friday, February 09, 2007

to change

I'm not really sure what has been happening with my desire to write on my blog lately. They say it is writer's block supposedly- I just couldn't find the motivation for a long time to sit down and write. I still can't really but I am forcing myself to write anyway. I am scared at what I might write tonight- Because I am going to treat this blog entry like a journal entry where anything goes.

I have been so weird lately. I know so many people who are just so consistent and persistent with their lives where nothing stands in the way of their goals and their eternal perspective. It makes me envious in a way- a battle of mine. I just don't get it sometimes. I get discouraged and prideful so easy and I know in my heart how much Heavenly Father can help yet I just mope around for days in ugly self pity and just sulk about how much life has changed for me.

Motherhood has played a number on me. I will sadly admit it. I feel like I have taken the transition poorly. Completely unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster of Mommy land. Then again- there are so many women (unless they keep it hidden like I do most of the time) who just seem to adjust so well and giggle all day as they wipe bottoms and scrapbook during naptime- For me on the other hand I feel like a chunk of April has been chopped out or off of me and dropped down some bottomless ravine to never be found again. Pretty dramatic description- I know.

Although nothing compares to the sweet enduring love I feel for my child- I feel a little empty. But I have realized over the past couple months that this feeling has nothing to do with Kenzie and I obviously can't blame Chay for it, even though I would like to, especially when he gets me on a bad day. It is me. Spiritual Soul April Tomblin Clark. But I will get to that later. I still want to complain and vent a little about how I have been feeling.

Sometimes when I am off in my little day dreams as I sit on the couch as Kenzie is tearing apart her bedroom, I reminisce about the "good ol days" when I was single and had the best group of friends. Summer was full of late nights, camping under stars, cliff jumping, secrete spin the bottle parties, dances, crushes, sun kissed faces- it was all so glorious and carefree. I just remember always being on the go and laughing so freely. Then during the school year I would stay busy with sports. I remember in Young Women's I had to get up and share things about myself in front of the class. I was so confident in my answers: "I like to play basketball and ride my mountain bike. I like getting to know people and making friends" Who in the heck was I? Basketball? Mountain Biking? How does that fit in with a little 1 year old and being pregnant? Making friends? I have turned into the biggest introvert! I hate saying this but I have wanted to leave the apartment to go somewhere and I will notice my neighbor getting into her car and I will shamefully wait for her to get in the car before I will leave the house just so I don't have to have one of those fake encounters "Hi how are you?" "Oh good and you?"

Where am I heading? I feel like I have died! I contribute my new sudden shyness to moving so much in the last 5 years and gaining the mentality that whoever I become close to will soon be out of my life- but that is pretty pathetic. Then I question myself " maybe this is the real me and I was living a whole façade growing up?” ok that is ridiculous too.

But however ridiculous I may sound, what I am feeling is real. Real to the point that it makes me cry and I wish someone could hold me and rock me to sleep. It has been so hard for me to find staying at home fulfilling although the Holy Ghost confirms to me over and over I am doing the right thing. Plus- who would ever want to miss out on the sweet happenings of a child learning to walk, talk, love- oh it is priceless and my foreordained privilege to witness it. Yet at the end of the day when I lay in bed next to Chay who is stuck in bewilderment by his depressed unmotivated wife, I think to myself, “ok what did I do that was productive today? Ummm…I cleaned the bathroom, mopped the kitchen floor, finally folded that pile of laundry on the couch…” and although I try so hard to feel so well accomplished, I feel utterly unfulfilled and dissatisfied with the way my life is going.

I really become bitter and ugly at times- sometimes I question God why women were destined to clean kitchen floors when men get to use their brain, feel pressure to work hard and become educated. I feel I have so much to offer to something. I know, I know- I am offering so much to my children. They will benefit greatly from my skills and education. I know this and I expect they will- but is it selfish to say maybe just sometimes, “What about me?”

While visiting my family in Spokane, I invited an old friend to come over. She has a little girl who is 2 years old. She has a similar situation as me-husband works a lot, little money, little place to live that isn’t our own- anyway so I asked her what she does to keep her sanity. She replied, “Well I read to my little girl, we go to story time at the library, we go to play group at the mall and with the ward” I congratulated her on her tremendous efforts to get out of the house and then I said, “What do you do for yourself?” She went blank. Just like my face does on a typical mid-afternoon day when I’m deciding to either go shopping and spend money I don’t have or finish off the afternoon with Martha and Oprah.

Ok so I think we are all getting the picture of the self defeating whirlwind I am getting myself stuck in. It has been very difficult. Can I say that please without being judged? Is it possible to somehow get a little understanding before I get the flood of advice of how to change? I hurt inside. I feel lonely. I feel like I’m sort of lost. I know it sounds silly and life could be worse. I am so well aware of how easy my life is compared to some- but you know- one thing I have learned is heartache is heartache and we all need solace. We all need Christ- not just the ones who are dying of a debilitating disease or those living in stricken poverty, etc. Even someone like me.

It has been a learning battle between spiritual April and natural man April. When I pray at night and I strive for things to be grateful for; and after I get done with the water, trees, freedom of our country, my family, I sincerely say “Thank you for allowing me to see clearly my pride Father. I am so thankful that I can chip away at my natural man because I am able to actually see what parts of my personality, attitude, lack of testimony that cause me to drown and swell in so much pride." For so long my pride was this huge invisible wall I couldn’t figure out. I think growth can actually begin now. I just don’t want to grow sometimes. It is like I know something wonderful is right before me if I just peel away my stubbornness and allow myself to feel what God wants to give me. But pride is so powerful…chains. I have felt so lifeless and miserable all because I am refusing…well I hate to say it…but refusing Christ. Why is it so hard to change sometimes? It takes a lot of exploring. A lot.

Ok so I don’t love housework yet. I still long for worldly things. I still get bored- but this week I have come to realize how much God wants to give me. How much life there is out there for me to live. Yes even if I stay home everyday with my children and fold clothes till I’m 40. There is life to live- a life worth living is a life lived with God.

Our assumptions of God’s expectations slowly kill us. We are all different with different plans. God will fill our lives with happiness and exciting diversity if we but do simple things. It is so easy to doubt before we ever experiment upon His word. We just assume.

Well anyway- it is a slow process. I guess I am thankful for the heartache and loneliness- how else would I ever make scary steps to become like Christ? Nothing teaches me more than my own trials.