Monday, January 28, 2013


Marne posted this quote on instagram. It kind of really hit home and I needed to read it.  

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


I know people have way worse circumstances than me. I was thinking that this morning as I told Chay "I feel like I am living a nightmare". Then I realized that my nightmare would be considered a dream come true to some people's lives. I was then reminded of how good I really do have it.

I just hurt really bad. I am not sleeping at all and my body really hurts. I am so tired and yet I feel like the demands of motherhood and being a wife are more than ever. I imagine being super energetic and being on top of everything and making sure my kids get ready for the day, and the house gets cleaned up, and I have the desire to read and play with the kids...but no, even the simplest tasks seem impossible.

Putting on jeans is hard enough.

I cried this morning at the thought of getting out of bed, walking up the stairs, packing Kenzie's lunch, making her breakfast, motivating her to get ready, feeding the other kids, get them all in the car by 7:38 so we can make it on time to Kenzie's school. Seriously a task as simple as that brought me to tears. I am officially losing it.

Kenzie is so playful and la-la that she just doesn't understand the concept of time. She will start to do her hair and then she will play in front of the mirror and then she will see the kitty and forget she is doing her hair and start chasing the cat around the room. I am of course worried about getting out the door in time so I am constantly nudging her to stay focused. Almost every morning there is a small battle about priorities and staying focused. The thing is- I love her flighty "ness" and I think it is very child like and she is just a it makes me sad that I have to tell her to stop being a child so she can grow up and be responsible. But she must learn sometime...

Chay offered to take Kenzie to school this morning after my crying spell. I was so relieved but then again sad I won't be able to walk her into school and give my big girl a hug. She and I will be ok.

I googled how to start labor naturally last night at midnight...I think there are truths everywhere so there has to be some validity when several sources recommend taking the herb Evening Primrose- so I don't know, maybe I will stop by the health store and see what they say. I am desperate. I have never been so uncomfortable in all my pregnancies. The doctor told me the baby was weighing 8lbs 14 oz according to his measurements and I supposedly have 3 more weeks to go.

I snapped at a lady at church on Sunday. She is this older lady who never married and she has a great attitude about life but she can be so verbal about things she has no clue about. She is constantly saying things to me about my appearance and my pregnancy that I finally had enough. She came up to me and started telling me how awkward I was carrying my baby and that I was especially wide. Nice. Then a few minutes later she told me how tired and exhausted I look. I finally said, "Kathy, you always have something nice to say don't you? You haven't seen my feet yet have you? Why don't you tell me how big my ankles are too because I don't know that about myself either." I think I surprised her but I just wasn't in the mood. She apologized and I warned her not to mess with 9 month irritable pregnant ladies- we can be vicious.

Chay taught a quick lesson last night for Family Home Evening...well it was more like a story during dinner time but we counted it as Family Home Evening because we're all just trying to stay afloat around here. His story was about how Heavenly Father answers our prayers. He talked about a man who was stuck in his house during a hurricane. He prayed that God would help him so he went outside and got on his car because the water was rising. A couple men on a boat came by and offered to rescue him and the man refused saying he was waiting for God to help him. Then the man got back into his house and went on the roof and a helicopter came and offered to rescue him but the man refused again because he said God was going to help him. Well, the man eventually drowned and died in the hurricane. Chay explained that God answers our prayers in many ways, but one of the ways is through other people. It was a great story for the kids. Julia's eyes were fixated on Chay. She was very intrigued.

With Chay's story in mind, I am thankful for the small acts of service my dear friends have done for us. Small answers to prayers- Gary our neighbor brought over a big bag of honey crisp apples for me the other day. His kind words, "I remember you saying once your favorite apple was Honey Crisps." Cynthia brought me homemade foot scrub (which I intend on using once I can reach my feet again without falling over) and a whole wheat bread mix and recipe. Tami invited us over for dinner and I just sat on her couch and did nothing and it felt so good to be served. Tara brought over pumpkin chocolate bread. Chay's mom has been ever so generous and helping out a ton in her non-spotlight ways. She is a great example to me. I am thankful for all the mindful people who have been inspired from on high to show little acts of love towards me and my family.

Now if any of my friends and family know how to make me go into labor today, that would be the ultimate act of love and service...and answer to prayer. :)

Saturday, January 19, 2013

flu you

We are at the tail-end of all having the dreadful flu. Chay had it the worst and he was the only one who got a flu shot. Go figure. That flu shot is such a joke.

Well I was sort of freaking out about my life because we were dead to the wind and sicker than dogs and the house was starting to go under. It was pretty much disgusting and I knew there was a possibility I could go into labor and what a nightmare to be sick and have a baby at the same time. I was fortunate enough or the least fortunate to be the only one who didn't seem to be as severe as the rest. Therefore I was counted on to take care of everyone, including Daddy- which overwhelmed me because of all the pain I am dealing with being 9 months pregnant.

All the crying, coughing, cleaning up puke, ear drops, the fevers, getting up several times a night to tend kids was almost it's like 10 degrees outside and the "inversion" is so thick and nasty that there was literally no place for us to go. (little thing about Utah that I'm not a big fan of.. the air quality in the winter). So we were left to look at each other with our watery scratchy eyes and red noses. Thank you Netflix for saving us on those long long sick days.

Kenzie in the background cracks me up. Here is a classic picture of how we felt a couple days ago. Everyone was so miserable. 

Chay swears by the remedy of taking hot baths when he is sick. He would take 3-4 a day and insisted the kids did the same. Everyone had the chills so bad, the bath felt amazing. I am sure our gas and water bill will be amazing as well.

So now that we are somewhat feeling better besides the lingering cough and all that lovely mucus, I am faced with the reality that I might have a child any day and "nesting" comes into play big time.

Today we spent the entire day deep cleaning everything. Every sheet, blanket, pillowcase, mattress cover- all in the wash. I got down on my knees and cleaned my kitchen floor if you can believe it. Chay and Xander cleaned and disinfected the bathrooms and Julia and Kenzie were awesome with dusting and picking up...Kenzie insisted she vacuum the the baseboards and so I let her...probably something I will have to re-do when she is at school. But bless her heart...

Julia worked forever wiping our railing and banister that goes downstairs. It gets so gross with sticky finger prints and since I love white woodwork I guess I better love cleaning it as well. Julia is my best worker. She complains like normal but once she gets in the groove she does not stop until the job is well done.

About a month ago I asked Julia to vacuum out the bathroom and she spent seriously 20 minutes vacuuming a 3X4 foot bathroom. She worked so hard.

Now I am wasted. My big body is tired and super achy from working all morning...

I just want to have this baby. I want to have this baby. I want to have this baby. I want to have this baby today.

I have never been so excited to feel contractions in my life. Bring on the bolting pain...I am ready for the next chapter. I am so so ready.

quotes I love

Here are 2 quotes I love--so on the blog they go. 

Great quote from Francis Chan

Monday, January 14, 2013

my 7 year old

A few weeks ago only days after the Newtown, Conneticut shooting, I decided to visit Kenzie's first grade class. I went to lunch with Kenzie, and then to the library with her, and then finally to her class Christmas party. I was honestly so traumatized by that school shooting. It really hit home being that I have a first grader and it was first graders who were killed. I felt so much sympathy for those parents- knowing how adorable and precious my first grader is, I could understand what and who they had lost.
Visiting Kenzie's class was pure joy yet I got choked up a little here and there as I observed the liveliness and excitement in those little faces and imagined the unbearable loss of 20 first graders at Sandy Hook Elementary.
What a fun age, first graders are. I love how these kids still find joy in almost everything. They love stories, cheesy jokes, coloring, sparkles, animals, Christmas lights, singing songs, dancing,  jump roping, playing chase--and they love to talk and express themselves and they giggle often.

I really love Kenzie's stage in life right now. Her vocab is expanding daily and she is able to communicate in ways never imagined just 1 year ago. She can read and is learning the piano. She loves to sit down at the piano and figure out melodies of songs she knows by messing around and playing by ear.

Here she is at her first recital. She did a beautiful job. She is very graceful and natural as she plays. She learned to play a two hand song "Jingle Bells" and also the primary song "Picture a Christmas".

I just really like her hair in this picture. She watched me do this to mine several times with a pencil and she figured it out. 
But besides all the normal but exciting milestones of a 7 year old, I just love the little lady Kenzie has become or who she just is.

She got in the car the other day and started to cry. She said quickly, "I think I might have cheated on a test, I don't know, but I know I don't feel right. Can you help me pray and ask for forgiveness Mom? I need you to  help me Mom." Of course I asked her a million more questions after that and I could tell her heart was so heavy. We went and talked to the teacher the next day and it was more of a misunderstanding than anything but it was a big sincere sorrowful moment for her. Her prayer to Heavenly Father was the sweetest thing ever despite her many tears. Afterwards she said she felt so much better...
I was sort of happy in a twisted way that she had to ask for forgiveness because she was able to have such an awesome experience in repentance. A great way to teach her about our constant need of the Savior.

A while back, Kenzie used to get into the car after school with a sour sour attitude. She was instantly mad at Julia for something and fighting would always start. I knew she was probably hungry and tired from such a long day and I try to take that into consideration but bad behavior is bad behavior. I was very upset one day at the way she was acting and I let her know. I didn't think my way of letting her know was very effective and I probably should have cooled down first before I expressed how upset it makes me when she gets in the car and starts fighting with her sister. I finally said this to her, "I know you are tired, I am sure your feelings were hurt today or you were confused about something you were learning--but that gives you no right to act like a brat to your sister." (I know, harsh) I was having a bad day too. The next few days Kenzie was surprisingly kind and patient with Julia when we picked her up from school. I finally said, "Wow, Kenzie, you are such a joy to be around. I can tell you are nicer. What happened?" Her response, "I asked Heavenly Father in my prayers if he could help me be nicer to Ju Ju in the car when you pick me up from school." In moments like these when you find out your child is praying all on her own to help her become better, a parent couldn't be more grateful and more at peace about raising children...even if it's just a small moment...because I am sure Kenzie fought with Julia over who got the pink cup that night for dinner--but I will treasure that small moment.

What I also treasure about Kenzie that will definitely fade with age and so I therefore take every opportunity I can to enjoy it- she loves to have me close and to have me around. She wants me to walk her to her classroom everyday and she won't say goodbye until we give each other a kiss. She still loves to snuggle and hold hands as if she was still 3. I am pretty sure her love language is "physical touch". Boys stay away- because she melts with a hug, I can only imagine what a kiss will do. :)

On that note, Kenzie is adored and loved by the boys in her classroom. She has a very fun, flighty, giggly, and contagious personality. She is not shy and... bias mother here- absolutely adorable. Her teacher has expressed concern since the boys chase her at recess and fight over her. One boy gave her a ring and she gets letters all the time from boys asking her to marry them. A mother of one of the boys "Christian" told me "My son thinks your Kenzie is the most beautiful girl in the world and has eyes of an angel." So funny. She came home and told me she told one of the boys that he had to be a better student and not get in trouble in class if he wants to marry her. Way to pull them up to your standard Kenzie!

Xander's face is classic in this picture. 
I felt impressed to write down these little thoughts about Mckenzie. I think she will treasure them one day. I am fully aware that life's experiences can change people and children are all pure beautiful spirits- but I am really loving my 7 year old right now. I love all the new changes happening in her life and seeing a fun personality emerge. I can see glimpses of who she will be one day. I wish children could stay little forever, but Kenzie is proving that growing up is equally as exciting to a mother. I love you Kenzie.

Kenzie and Chancho

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

35 weeks pregnant


Can you believe I threw up last night? Morning sickness only sort of went away.

Here I am 35 weeks pregnant and I am miserable. Grateful to be having a baby, I think. :)

I am actually scared to death to have 4 children. I adore children and I have my perks but the everyday responsibility to raise happy healthy spiritually confident children literally stresses me out on most days and I feel utterly exhausted with the demands of motherhood. Maybe it is my health at the moment but I just don't think I have it in me to have a newborn right now. I am scared of breastfeeding, all nighters, and dealing with a jealous non talking stubborn 2 year old toddler.

...and Julia who is so so so text book middle child it's unbelievable.

I am scared of taking 4 children to Kenzie's school every morning in the cold and waking up the crew at 6:30 for scripture study when I've been up all night with a baby. The simplest tasks seem overwhelming right now being huge and pregnant. Meal planning, making dinner, cleaning the bathroom, making Kenzie's lunches, Kenzie's homework...I am just really tired and my brain is foggy. I literally survive each day it feels...and nights- The aches and pains of night time- the interrupted sleep with hips, butt and crotch aches when I shift from one side to the other all night- makes me fear bedtime. I sit on the couch and watch re-runs of Friends and The Office at night until Chay is about to collapse. He begs me to come to sleep but I want to avoid sleep because I know it will be a rough night's sleep...even though I usually fall asleep in 2.2 seconds once my head hits the pillow.

This is a really bad mom confession, but I am so thankful for modern technology...I am so thankful for good quality movies and TV programs for my children to watch when I just don't feel like being a pro-active mom.

ahhhh. Life. It is great. I know it is. I am just anxiously awaiting for this phase in my life to be over. I hate what pregnancy does to me. I hear mothers saying their "hell" would be potty training for eternity- mine would be being pregnant.

Ok, Ok, it has its lovely moments- like when Xander rambles and tries to talk to my belly. The other day he was driving his cars all over my stomach saying "b-y". He will kiss my belly and Julia will randomly come up to me and hug my belly. Everyone is waiting for this little kid to enter the world...and there is excitement to be felt.

I went through baby clothes the other day and I seriously can't wait to hold a newborn and to feel his heavenly whatever. You know, perfectness.

I need a name. Again we are clueless about names for this little boy. I am not one to make names sentimental or meaningful. I guess Julia has my mom's middle name and Xander is Xander Chay...but I don't care to name my kids after ancestors who I don't know personally...

I met a girl named Chasity once and I cringed at the thought the pressure that name must have on her. I know a Charity. The name fits her perfectly but we had a conversation once if she felt she had to be extra charitable because of her name and she admitted there is some truth to that. Then there are scripture names...which I think are inspiring but I know 2 crazy "Almas".  Jonah is a cool name but he feared God's command at first before he obeyed...would that jinx a kid's complex or internal idea of anything about him? I personally love love love the name Samson. But the Bible dictionary says this about Samson: "He was known for his great physical strength, but he was not wise in some moral choices and actions." AHHHH How would I explain that to my son? Would he demand having long hair? Lol- Am I being silly? What is in a name anyway? Nothing? What is your opinion? Can I name our son Samson?

There is always the classic name "Christian" which I love but I will be mad when people shorten it to Chris.

Chay is slang for "friend" and "grandpa" in Navajo. Chay's dad served a mission among the Navajo Indians and his Dad is always saying that the name "Chay" fits him perfectly...and it is true. Chay is everyone's friend.

Kenzie still looks like a Sadie to me and I wished I fought harder for that name but Chay had the final word. Then we agreed I would name the next child- Julia. Which in my mind is the most beautiful classy girl's name of all time and fits Julia perfectly. I love Mckenzie's name because Kenzie is Kenzie and she is my little Kenzie- but I can't let Sadie go for some reason. 

I asked Kenzie once if she wanted to legally change her name to Sadie and she said no. LOL. What a confusing thing for a 6 year old to hear or contemplate. 

I need help in the name department for my little boy...

I need help in the life department. I am barely making it here.

We got a new car. A mini van. And guess what? I love it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about besides it is that one choice a woman makes that finalizes the end of her youth and fully embraces motherhood. It is as simple as that. It shouts middle age mom all over the place. No matter how hard a mom tries, she can't look sexy in a mini van..and that is ok, because she is a mom and married hopefully. :) Chay actually loves the van also. His pride is doing pretty well. He just loves the convenience of the van...and of course the power. "Did you know the van can go up to 160 MPH?" oh dear...I will just let him man relish in the van as much as he can. He did forget his sunglasses once while driving it and I offered him mine. He quickly responded, "I can't drive a mini-van and wear women's glasses April, I have to stop somewhere." So funny.

Honda Odyssey Touring - Front Angle, 2005, 800x600, 5 of 85

We were able to get the van at an awesome price plus the insurance company gave us way more for our Suburban than we were expecting. We were really having a hard time finding something reliant and in our price range. Then one day everything fell into place perfectly. My dad called the night we bought the van and he said he was praying for us all day that we could find a car. My dad has changed so much over the last 10 years, it's crazy. He is a wonderful man. He has always been wonderful but oh boy was he grumpy and feisty when we were little ones...and to hear him mention prayer as a child is something we never ever heard. His whole demeanor has gradually changed since he joined the church. It has been a wonderful thing to experience.

Well I better get off the computer and deal with reality instead of just writing about reality. First I am going to take off these maternity jeans and put on something that won't fall off me when I walk up the stairs. 9 months pregnant and I am inheriting all of Chay's huge T-shirts and basketball shorts again. I am so big this time around- butt and chin included. All the weight I am going to have to lose is Oprah show of those magazine front cover headlines - "Mother of 4 loses 200 lbs" ok, not that bad- but it is fun to exaggerate.

Maybe I should finally take down Christmas decorations...but I love my house at Christmas time...and I'm tired.

at this rate I might as well just call them Valentines Day works right.

Ok, Xander is playing with scissors. Bye.