Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I am going to do it and it's going to be a lot of work...
I'm making a book on blurb about Mom. This book will be everything Edie Kaye. Her life history, pictures, letters, motherhood, the church, marriage, memories, stories, funnies, her family, traditions, callings, friends, personality, her loves, her dislikes...her words of wisdom...
I have gone through two bins full of Mom's pictures, letters, and life history stuff these past two days and have organized it all by dates and events. (Joette, you would be so proud) It was emotional to witness once again how many people loved her. She has stacks of letters given to her over the years by so many different people--and these letters are the heartfelt kind of letters--the "5 pagers" kind of letters, expressing how much they are grateful for Mom and her example.
There's a reason for the picture of the chain...does anybody know?
So yes I have a big job ahead of me...but this book is just something I MUST do...for posterity's sake and for Mom's sake. This will be the ultimate way of telling her Thank You.
Um check out this picture I found of my mom in 1968. Don't you just love the coat?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Wow I feel great...I really do.
I know how my engine runs now...which I know is different than others...and that is ok. Some can put in the cheap gas and run just fine, but my body needs the super super duper highest octane premium fuel they make.
I am so intrigued now with how I function and work...because I can see such an amazing reversal in how I feel.
My brain is so clear. I have more energy than I have had for a long time and I even feel adventurous. The only bad part is that I am back to wanting to do a million things at once- but I am also back to feeling confident about my goals.
People who are cloudy in the brain are the only ones who understand something is missing when trying to process feelings, accomplish tasks- figuring out the day can even be a challenge- especially when feeling wasted and inadequate is looming over you. I know it sounds weird, but like I said, only for those who understand--understand.
Not so much cloudiness anymore...
Here is a shake I make almost every day- sometimes twice a day. I absolutely love it.
1/2 cup non sweetened soy or almond milk
1 peeled lime- the big limes
half english cucumber
1 scoop supergreens
2 big handfuls of baby spinach
tray of ice cubes
I have had quite a few people ask me what eating "alkaline" means. I will explain it later. Got to go.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Love love love my girls. They can be so crazy and out of control...so creative...so obnoxious. Mckenzie and Julia are best friends...their little conversations are more than precious. Now I can finally say I am glad I had them so close together. They are pure entertainment...they bring me so much joy...on most days.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The red peppers are probably the biggest best looking peppers I have ever seen. They are so huge...and they are all mine. No one is allowed to eat them besides me.
Thank you for the little thoughtful gift. I almost didn't answer the door because I had a layer of mascara under my eyes and I haven't done my hair for a couple days...your surprise visit threw me off guard. I thought it was the UPS man. I feel I cut you short today because Julia and Kenzie were both holding your canned applesauce and salsa in their wobbly hands and I was a little worried I wouldn't be able to enjoy them before they broke all over the floor.
and laughing cow cheese??? oh what a treat...that is all mine too.
Thank you for thinking about me. Thank you for being aware and listening to the promptings. Sometimes it just feels good to know someone cares about you.
Thank you Cami.
I am so glad you didn't move away :) You can move away when we move away.
Monday, February 15, 2010
I found this article to be very touching about the LDS church members in Haiti. Thank goodness none of our chapels were damaged in the quake and they can be used as a place of refuge temporally and spiritually from all the trials some of the people of Haiti are facing right now. This article proves the faith and strength of the Haitian people.
Make sure to read all parts of the story. There are also other articles about the church members in Haiti on this website.
Check it out. Very inspirational.
I am at the tipping point.
It is 4:18 in the morning. I can't sleep. My body is tired but my brain won't settle down. My health is not good.
I know I am really kooky about some things...especially when it comes to health and nutrition. I think it's because I am sick with MS. I think it's because I have weird things going on inside my body that most people don't deal with. I think it's because I saw my mom die of cancer at 59. She was also sick most of her life with other things...like MS and Fibromyalgia. I think that is why people with incurable health problems, who become desperate enough, start seeking different routes for their health and therefore become "kooky".
When Mom died I read some of her journals. In 1985 she wrote "I know if I don't take better care of my body, I will die soon." She also wrote a couple years later, "I feel that my eating habits are killing me slowly."
Mom used to tell me all the time that she felt so impressed by the Holy Ghost to figure out her health...and she did...after the diagnosis...when it was probably too late. She really made some huge changes and taught us all so much about how important our bodies are. I believe she extended her life with the eating choices she made at the end. We sort of gladly said "good bye" to her home cooked meals...maple country ribs, pies, potatoes, jello salads and said "hello" to collard green salads with Quinoa vegetable pilaf instead. We supported her...and we made sure she didn't break down and go for ice cream when she was discouraged. I remember calling her and saying "Mom if you feel like ice cream and brownies, just call me instead." I was her 12 step mentor. I was very impressed with her. She lost a lot of weight, the radiologist saw tumors disappear in her lungs and hips, her swollen ankles were no more, her skin radiated, she had unimaginable energy. It was a lesson for all of us.
It is time for me to listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost now...and not wait until a diagnosis much more grave than MS hits me.
ok back to "kooky".
A couple days ago I mustered up the strength to get the Supergreens out and I made up a drink. Morning sickness and a quart of liquid full of floating green vegetable herb powder has NOT sounded appealing to me these past 3 months. The nausea turned me away from anything of such. I went from green drink to 7-up over night. Anyway so I made the drink. I put it on the counter and stared at it. I knew in my heart of hearts I needed to start drinking it and to change my eating habits drastically. But I didn't want to. I wasn't feeling well enough to...too much work and sacrifice for the moment. Wasn't I sacrificing enough? Hello I am pregnant? I take care of 2 girls all day? Shouldn't I just be naturally blessed with a healthy body for doing what I do? yeah right. If only it were that easy.
I left the green drink on the counter, full, and I sort of walked away thinking I would drink it later somehow. I came back 20 minutes later and the water bottle was empty. Kenzie and Julia had drank the entire quart and were asking me for more.
In a way, the empty bottle was a huge motivator. I looked at them in the eyes and said, "thank you for drinking my green drink, thank you! We can do this, can't we girls! We can do this." They looked at me strangely. Kenzie, my little cheerleader, "We can do it Mom!"
anyway so it is an upward battle...but today is the tipping point for me. Today is February 15th. I am extremely tired with hardly any energy to be found. My brain is foggy. My left side does tricks on me when I sit still. I have a mild headache at the moment but they can get pretty severe at night. I get winded walking up the stairs. I have the blues. My joints kill when I get up after sitting for a long time- I walk around like an 80 year old for about 5 minutes. I feel nauseous and icky. I have a really bad cold with a plugged up ear. My toes are completely numb. My body aches all over. I feel weak. I do not feel good. Something isn't right and I know it.
So here I go. I ate a Valentine sugar cookie tonight with "to die for" (literally) Butter Cream with Almond extract frosting and I knew inside it was going to be awhile until I ate sugar again. So I made sure to eat another one:) And then I felt even worse after that.
It is time to alkaline and energize. A theory I feel that best resonates with my answers to healing.
It is "kooky" to eat a certain way when everyone else around you is eating what the culture has taught us to eat and plus let's face it, unhealthy food tastes sooo good. It will be sort of hard. Chay knows I am kooky but he is so supportive. He won't touch a Kale smoothie for the life of him, but he is still supportive.
Tomorrow I go shopping. I need a really good salad spinner and some sharp knives. I think I will purchase an "Easy Sprouter" off Amazon too. Costco for avocados and vegetables and almonds, Good Earth for some sprouted wheat tortillas and almond butter and other fun stuff...
"The first wealth is health." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Chay was busy making the day special for everyone. I then asked him, "Do you love me...most ardently?"
He then said, "of course...your pancakes are hearts...and you must have just watched one of those movies where they talk in weird English didn't you?" I guess he hasn't read yesterday's post yet :)
Then sitting around breakfast, my valentine gives me a red shaped heart box. It's full of chocolate. That was really sweet.
Kenzie comes walking out a few minutes later with a little box with a bow around it. When she handed me the gift I knew immediately what it was. I got teary eyed and so did Chay. This is what I found inside the box: (my camera doesn't do close ups very well...but I still had this picture on hand)
My wedding ring. Not the one I lost 3 years ago, but an identical one. It was just as beautiful as ever...a little tight on my finger- an incentive to make sure it fits better after pregnancy.
But I can't stop staring at the ring...I am still sort of numb to it all. I am so taken away at how thoughtful that was of Chay.
Thank you Chay. All so very sentimental...a symbol of all these crazy wonderful years together and I promise to take better care of it this time. "And I love... I love...I love you."
Saturday, February 13, 2010
"You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." ~Mr. Darcy
Does it get any better than that?
Friday, February 12, 2010
I have experienced "newborn-lack-of-sleep-boobs-hurt-I can't-handle-life" syndrome before but it usually only lasts a couple weeks while trying to adjust to having a new baby. I wouldn't consider it depression.
But what about pre-partum depression? Is there such a thing? Just googled it. There is such a thing. I think I have it.
This baby is doing something crazy with my brain I swear.
It is officially official. I hate being pregnant. It is rarely neat for me. The ultrasounds are lovely and the kicks and little movements make me wonder about the growing spirit inside me, but other than that...I hate it.
At times like these I start to question why women go through what they do. As Chay goes about his life all happy go lucky pursuing his little hobbies, I drag myself around the house all day desperate to feel normal and healthy again. I don't throw up as much as I used to thank goodness. If that were the case I think I would have admitted myself into a mental hospital by now. I still have the headaches... and the nausea at night but mostly I just feel so wasted...I think on some level I am wishing to sleep my life away. I sleep 10 hours at night and sleep 3 hours during nap time. I feel swollen and weak. My MS symptoms have been haunting me lately and I'm experiencing accelerated weight gain...I don't have my up and go anymore. It is lost somewhere.
I'm in a rut...an emotional and physical rut.
And where is the sun for crying out loud? Enough winter already.
5 more months 5 more months- I feel like the prisoners who daily carve a tally of their days on their cell wall-
ok now that I sound pathetic...what can I do about this? There has to be a way out. I won't survive 5 more months if there isn't.
anybody have a remedy?
Today I wanted to talk to somebody about how I feel. I wanted to talk to someone I 100% trust- only because I was pretty sure I would bawl my eyes out. I then went through a list of people I could call and I just didn't feel safe enough to call anyone...Joette was on top...but she is really busy with a life entirely different than mine. I just felt silly. I felt alone.
Mom. Mom. Mom. I feel safe with Mom. My mom knew I was a nut job and it was ok. She knew all about my ups and downs. She understood my woman emotions and my often overly felt broken heart. Mom. Mom. Mom. She was always the first person I called.
And then I knew I just needed to pray...because I know Heavenly Father is the only one I can always 100% trust. I feel safe with Him...and even though I miss Mom terribly I knew Heavenly Father was the best person to go to. I sat on my floor in the living room (we really need furniture) against the wall and just spilled it all out to Him...I know He was listening to me. I almost felt like I was being cradled like a baby.
My problems are so small compared to what some people go through, but they are still my problems, my trials, and I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and my heart. I am thankful for prayer.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Friday, February 05, 2010
written below was my comment on Hollie's blog...and then I realized that I was writing way too much- not that there are any "comment length rules" but I figured I would just blog it instead...
Hollie Hollie Hollie
first of all thank you for being honest...we all need to read posts like this once in a while to get us out of the fairy tale land we create so we don't dwell on how life can stink from time to time. But frankly it does sometimes...
I agree with your friends...you are a very beautiful person...and uneven skin tone? Are you kidding? You have beautiful skin. All olive wrinkle free...goodness.
and for the record I have several moles on my face...one in particular that is rather large on my chin...ju ju is always picking at it. I have another one on the side of my face that grows weekly I swear. oh what to do???
Beauty is an illusion. It's thousands and thousands of ideas people have created over the years through many cultures and eras of time. What is pretty now was considered malnutritioned in the dark ages- the plumpy girls were the attractive ones- Women used to paint their faces white- because fair skin was considered to be the most desired- now we all want to be tan...because right now in this time of history that is what the world tells us is beautiful. The outward beauty is man's interpretation, not God's. Do not trust in the arm of flesh, it will always let you down. Girls are getting plastic surgery left and right only because of an illusion of what the world thinks is attractive- a close friend of mine who just got a boob job and a tummy tuck told me her decision for the surgery kind of lies in our desire to seek perfection. I was really confused. Who said perfect boobs and a flat tummy is perfect? God? I don't think He cares at all. Hollywood maybe. I think if boobs are saggy and shriveled up from nursing babies and stomachs become stretched out from bearing children...than that might just be perfect in God's eyes for our time here on earth...although it's hard to see that...perfect boobs and a flat tummy would be nice...but perfect? We have convinced ourselves that is perfect...and I think we might have it all wrong.
It is all an illusion. People chase illusions to feel better about themselves. God is not an illusion. One of the only things that never change through time- only our idea of him, but He never changes.
Hollie, I have made some similar comments lately like what you have shared. I know on a deeper level that I am beautiful but it's hard to always feel so. I know certain people who glow with beauty but are maybe not "beautiful" in the world's standards...I always think of Marjorie Hinckley at the end of her life- If I end up looking like her but it meant I lived a life like her then it would be all worth it. I can't think of a more beautiful person than her.
"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley
oh to be like Marjorie...this quote teaches me what real beauty is...
But honestly this pregnancy has been something else. I have gained weight in all the wrong places. I feel so incredibly unattractive. I wish I could just hideaway for a year until I feel somewhat normal again....but I know Satan is working on me- He is telling me that I should hide and be ashamed of who I am...and how big my butt and thighs are getting...and the double chin...and the fly away arms- maybe in Heavenly Father's eyes I am beautiful just the way I am. I am carrying a baby for heaven's sakes. I have to be beautiful just for doing that.
I have dealt with self image problems in the past. I was lucky enough to go to an amazing counselor at BYU-Idaho and through a series of 2 hard years of figuring out what the atonement meant for me...I started to climb out of the self hatred state I was in. I finally truly felt that Heavenly Father loved me for all my faults, for all the things I never accomplished, for my evil side, for my laziness, for my bad decisions, and also for the good in me, my talents, my gifts,- he LOVED all of me. The whole April package. good and bad. I always thought I had to prove something or be someone important to the world to be accepted and loved by God and by those around me.
I thought I had to be a size 6, straight A student, super testimony girl, super talented, super duper everything. I knew I wasn't always super duper and that I came up short a lot and so I hated myself for it. I hated my weaknesses, I hated myself. I couldn't be happy unless I was proving something, being nice, being the best athlete- looking the best. I ended up having control issues and unhealthy addictions. Plus the world feeds us these feelings all the time- we are told by teachers, coaches, media, and sometimes parents that only those who are successful get the praise and honor in the world...which sadly we have learned to want and desire so we feel good about ourselves. I have some stories from my life, especially when I was a little girl, that prove me seeking praise and honor for acceptance. It starts when we are little ones...
But it was a break through moment for me when I finally felt what I always knew...I was a child of God, full of weakness, yet a child of God. I was beautiful to God. I believe it now. Still have issues every now and then- pregnancy is a battle...but all in all I am an entirely different person- Christ healed my thoughts.
So Hollie, you are loved. Even if you feel you haven't been the best wife and mother- who cares- you are loved perfectly by Heavenly Father. Who cares if you know you can do better- you are loved and beautiful right now in your life. We all can do better. But God's love never changes.
You will not like yourself more if you accomplish more. You will like yourself more when you begin to like yourself more, when you take your intellectual knowledge of being a child of God and turn it into a spiritual knowledge...you will truly love yourself, because God loves you.
We all want to identify with something to make us feel special. We want the perfect face, we want to play an instrument flawlessly, we want the perfect home, we want to have perfect finances, perfect bodies, perfect whatever, we want to be noticed for something...God just wants us to identify with Him.
Not saying wanting any of these things is bad- because it's not...but...
We are all searching for God and we just don't know it-. yet we go searching outside ourselves and far from God just to feel better about ourselves. In our search for fulfillment in life we do all we can to fill a hole only Christ can fill. Everyone on earth is a child of God, so we are all searching for Him whether we know it or not, whether we believe in God or not- everyone has a hole for Christ to fill, even those who don't believe in God, they are still His children. The desire to feel whole, no matter what it is we say we're searching for, is ultimately the search to know our divinity, to know the Father.
I truly believe God would rather have an imperfect fallen person seek after him than someone who fulfills their "God" need through something else...
I have learned to call upon God and trust His love...I have had many prayers where I have repented for being nasty to my family or nasty to myself- and instead of feeling down and miserable for my actions, I feel a sense of hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Prayer has been a key for me to break through the bad days.
I love you Hollie. I know more of us women are feeling this way. But honestly, who cares what you have and or haven't accomplished by 30. You have three beautiful children, you are active in the church, you are an amazing friend, great Young Women's leader, you are trying to improve yourself- God is happy with who you are...I don't think He has a check list up in Heaven that he is marking off when you do something good or bad- He just loves you. He knows your heart. Compassion for self is one the best ways we can show gratitude to God for all He has done for us. Compassion for self is liberating. Pray for it. It will come and with time you won't feel so much guilt, you will laugh at bad days, you will have more patience, you will feel more beautiful, you will have more compassion for others who are going through the same thing...and you will notice God's help more as you desire to better yourself.
I think far too often we try to better ourselves without God...it's like we think we have to be better then we are to be worthy in God's eyes. oh so not true. I used to think on a subconscious level God was upset with me and that he was disappointed in me...I didn't feel I was worthy of his love until I solved and figured things out in my life first. I then came to realize that Christ is the Physician, here to heal the sick, here for me- and if I wasn't "sick" or not going through a hard time in life, why would I ever need Him? I hope we all have several times if not many many times in our life when we really need Christ. I need him every day. How sad if we are too busy "doing good and accomplishing wonderful things" to never need Him.
Hang in there Hollie. I understand completely. It takes some shifts in thinking to truly understand what will make us happy. Again, I believe the world wants us to accomplish something great to feel of worth. And yet, God tells us we are of worth from the beginning...and with this knowledge and testimony of His love, we then accomplish whatever it is He has planned for us...not the other way around...and that will make us happy. The atonement can make us better wives and mothers or whatever righteous desire we wish to improve- but if we don't truly believe and love our own divinity, how can we fully have faith in the Atonement?- and how can we ever become more like Christ? How can we change?
It is all a process, a healing process...trust me, I know. Still in the process...I think I will be in it until I die...but I feel it to be a good thing, right?
Thursday, February 04, 2010
The blogging world is a weird world isn't it? Entertaining to say the least.
There are different kind of bloggers out there.
There are the: family scrapbook blogs (my nickname for them): picture after picture with commentaries written here and there of all the wonderful amazing things happening in life...these blogs happen to be a favorite of mine to look at, especially if they are my family and my close friends. I love to see what people are doing with their lives.
There are the: opinion life sharing descriptive blogs where writers come to their blog for their few paragraphs of daily release. These blogs have fewer pictures than the scrapbook blogs, but it's nice to actually read feelings once in a while. Pictures just don't delve into a person like words do. These kind of blogs are a favorite of mine too, especially if they are from dear friends and family. These tend to be funny too sometimes...a plus for me.
My blog kind of lies in the middle of the two blogs mentioned above. I started to blog for family and friends since I lived so far far away from them- and writing is a release for me.
There are the: money making blogs where the side bars of the blog are chuck full of advertising. These blogs usually speak to a certain audience- crafters, cooks, couponers, home decorators, scrapbookers. I dejunked my Reader the other day and got rid of 15 or so of these blogs- they were just posting too often for my sanity. I love their ideas but I love more to have less insignificant blogs to read.
There are the: giveaway blogs where the blogger is giving something away free almost every day it seems. The blogger advertises a product for a company. The company in return sends 2 of the same product to the blogger. The blogger then gives away one in a contest on their blog and keeps the other. These blogs frustrate me and I have unsubscribed to most of them unless I know the blogger personally. I never win the contests- probably because I never do all I can to increase my chances of winning. I don't want to advertise "giveaway blogs" on my blog...or on facebook...or tweeting (I don't tweet)...all the different ways to get more entries. No thank you.
There are the: follow my life story blogs like Nie Nie where you can't help to want to know what that woman is doing every minute of her life due to her life events...I enjoy these blogs...I love how she complains and makes her situation more real. I have come across other tragic stories turned into successful blogs and they are just plain addicting. Reality blogging. addicting.
A while ago I shared on my blog my not so good Thanksgiving experience. I don't regret what I said because it was true and my feelings were hurt... and I was ready to share my feelings with this person...but I think this person read my blog first...and I think that is why this person hasn't talked to me since... maybe that was a blogging mistake??? I never mentioned the person's name on the blog... I was just shocked how we were treated...and I wanted to share my crazy Thanksgiving day with others...I care about my relationship with this person...so blogging gone bad??? oh probably.
Kind of weird how communication has changed for the better and worse as time goes by. We can just sit inside our house and talk to the world without really talking to anyone face to face. Sometimes it's nice and fast...sometimes it's lonely.
But all in all I like blogs...I have had the chance to really get to know people through their blogs...well those who are honest and true anyway...I have read some blogs and I have to question, "are they really this positive ALL the time?" But sometimes the only chance I get to see and talk to people from my church is on Sunday, so it's nice to read up on what those people have to say on their blogs.
I would say there are more women bloggers than men? What do you think? Women will go to all measures to communicate...LOL. Nothing will stop us. Since we don't talk over the fence to the neighbor as much as we used to in times gone by, we now blog. Whatever it takes.
I prefer the fence.
I prefer phone calls.
But one day my blog will be so fun to read...so it's sort of a public journal- weak journaling I would call it...but fun. At least I find it a great way to stay in touch with friends and family.