Friday, November 30, 2012

the rental

After getting this 2012 Chrysler rental from the insurance company...I went into total denial that we actually need to buy another car. Can't I just have this one? It is parked in my driveway right now. I drive it everywhere like it's mine. New, cool buttons everywhere, doors open from the key fob, GPS, and much more. It is such a relief to drive after a crappy week. Can't we just keep it? It is only $35,000.   

It isn't a SUV like we want but wow, I can totally see how moms fall in love with their vans. Convenient! Will fit 4 kids perfectly-smaller, cheaper to drive...and parking is doable. I also don't have to worry about the doors hitting the car parked next to ours. The slide door thing is....rad.  My kids feel closer too. They seemed pretty far back there in the Suburban...I can actually have full on conversations with those in the 3rd row without saying "huh?" or "what?" 20 times. 

Maybe...we might get a van???? 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I don't get it

Remember my freedom goals of paying off debt?

Well since that blog post we have paid off $8000 worth of debt. Paid off both cars and a credit card.

2 months after paying off the Suburban,  it get's totaled. Yesterday. Yes, another car wreck...and if I can find anything positive to say I will say- at least it wasn't my fault for once. I probably shouldn't have gone through the intersection on a yellow light, but it still wasn't my fault.

I don't understand it.


A lady yielding left didn't see me yesterday. I couldn't stop in time. My big suburban smashed into her Altima. The airbags went off and Kenzie and Julia were more traumatized by the smell of the airbags than the actual impact.

Luckily the lady I hit was safe. I noticed quickly she had a little boy and my heart sank. ALWAYS put your babies on the driver side of the backseat! This little 18 month old was ok because his seat was behind his mommy. If it was on the other side...who knows. My big car did serious damage to her little car. Convinced me how safe those huge suburbans can be to drive in and how dangerous they can be to anything they hit.

I spent 4 hours at the hospital so they could monitor the baby. Everything is fine. My neck hurts but baby is fine and since I am A- they were slightly concerned with blood crossing. Again- fine.

Julia didn't have shoes on at the wreck. My luck. The girls did have coats however. On the corner of the intersection was a Kia dealership. The salesmen let us sit in a brand new car with the heater on. They also gave the girls candy and they were smitten by our adorable kitten. Yes, Chancho happened to be with us. Then the salesmen said the Suburban was totaled because of the airbags. We glanced over at my car- coolant was leaking fast all over the street. I knew it was a goner  The salesmen tried to convince me to buy a new Kia. Ha Ha! Like that fits into my financial goals right now in my life.

I had just picked up Kenzie from school and left Xander with the neighbor. I was in a hurry so I forgot my purse.

The other lady got a ticket for not yielding...and it so happens my car's registration expired 20 days ago. Of course! So I got a ticket for expired registration and no proof of insurance. Which will be overturned once I give the court the proof.

It seems like we are always dealing with something major.

I came home from the hospital around midnight feeling really disappointed about life. The house was a disaster and the first thing I noticed was how dirty my kitchen floor is. Kenzie did really bad on her math test and she has her first big recital for piano in a couple weeks. I haven't had a lot of time to sit down with Kenzie and help her with anything. I noticed there wasn't anything to pack in Kenzie's lunch for the next day. Julia wants to learn how to read so bad but she just isn't catching on yet. Chay's truck is making a funny sound. I had a headache from the wreck and I bent down to pick up some stranded orange peels and I felt like my stomach was going to rip in two and my uterus was going to fall out onto the floor. The kitty is out of food. I have 3 big boxes of baby clothes in the kitchen that belong in the room that is being re-finished in the basement. Who knows when the room will finally get done. The downstairs shower has a plugged drain and when we flush the toilet a little water comes up in the laundry room drain. I don't want to call a plumber right now. I would rather buy Christmas gifts. The rising cost of food has been a burden on our family and I know I need to start making my own bread which is like entering a whole new world for me. How and when? Our huge bucket of quick oats is empty and I'm trying to figure out what to make for breakfast the next midnight. I am completely wasted and feel so drained from life's pressures. We now are without a family car for awhile and Kenzie needs to be taken and picked up from school everyday. Christmas is on my mind. My callings at church are on my mind. I feel empty and unable to help my circumstances very well.

How's that for a sob story???

I cried myself to sleep. I feel so very overwhelmed. I know when the girls are overwhelmed or discouraged I can hold them and reassure them. Last night I felt a huge need to be held and reassured that everything was going to be ok. It didn't happen. Chay was trying his best but he is just as frustrated with me as I am.

Better days ahead I hope.



Sunday, November 25, 2012

to every thing there is a season

A time to be born, and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to paint furniture.

I just decided to quit painting furniture for money one day. 
Letting go of something you like to do can be hard. 

Saturday mornings I would drive around looking for perfect furniture at yard sales to paint. 
I would drag the kids to the thrift store every chance I would get. 
It was such a thrill to find unique pieces of furniture for a steal. 
I also loved how a coat of color made such a huge difference to a once tired boring dresser. 
Selling was fun- especially when I made quadruple the money I invested. 

before: (these are actually my mom and dad's bedside tables they used for years)


However, I started to evaluate my life and the time it took to find, prep, paint, sell...and I also factored in how I became super psycho mom every time I got the spray gun out. I  secretly wished I could cage up my kids for the 3 hours it took to paint and let my furniture dry. 

Before: Cami's hutch (see all the pile of unfinished furniture everywhere?)


Cami added the cute back to the bookshelf and I loved her choice of hardware. So fun.

I would read daily how to improve on painting furniture. I seemed to know a lot but knew there were more techniques to try and I knew I would eventually get really good if I kept at it. It was fun to learn a new skill. 

before: (Cami's dresser- which I decided was possessed by the devil by the time I finished it. This thing fought me to the end. It did not want to be painted yellow.) 

The picture quality isn't the greatest- bad camera and bad lighting. But BEAUTIFUL yellow. Right out of the 50's. Such a great color. 

And you have all seen the white table:

And then there was this huge random modern thing. I imagined it as a changing table for some boy's nursery. Sold quick. Before:


And my blue desk- that I grew up with. I kept this. Christmas time 2010. 

I have other dressers and small projects I have painted but I can't find the pictures right now. 

My back porch and basement were cluttered with furniture waiting to be painted. You can see from some of the pictures that I had quite a few things to paint. I was always juggling time between being a mom to little ones and being a wife (Chay was not a fan of my Saturdays being eaten up by painting furniture). Most of the time it didn't feel like the right time to paint and so my collection of stuff became overwhelming. Chay was mostly patient with chairs in every corner and bed frames next to the BBQ grill.

Once I came to the decision to just let it all go- it seriously all I sold every piece of furniture I had in 2 days on KSL. GONE. Space. Clean. Done. Over. 

 It just isn't the season in my life to do things that take me away from family. When I felt stressed, upset, confused, overwhelmed, cluttered, disorganized, moody and neglected family responsibilities too often over this certain hobby of mine despite how much I loved doing it- I knew that was the Lord telling me, "There will be another season for this April, just not now. "  

The hard part was listening. 

I finally did and I feel so FREE!

Now I have more time for the things most important in my life. Like these certain people for example: 

 Plus I hear it's not good to snort and sniff paint while pregnant. 

Saturday, November 24, 2012


Mckenzie and Julia built Xander a spaceship during his nap time. Supposedly it really flies. I wouldn't doubt it. I mean check out that advanced steering device. It has also flown on some very important missions...

"All planets are done." I am hoping they were positive missions. Not sure what "done" means. Let me stop typing and I will ask the girls real quick....ok, I'm back. Phew. Kenzie wrote that to indicate she was done drawing the places the spaceship had visited. So Earth isn't destroyed or "done" for. 

This made Chay laugh so hard. Yummy aliens. 

Aliens taste so good they "rock" and so do eyeballs apparently. 

I love Kenzie's awesome attempts at spelling. 

They worked on this spaceship for a long time and now I don't have the heart to get rid of it. If it happens to disappear from the living room, I will blame it on the revenge of the aliens. The alien's came and wanted to invade our house for eating them and so I offered the spaceship as a peace offering.

The girls won't buy the story. I am fully prepared.  

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

animal people

When we first met Chuka she was pregnant. Chuka is the cat I ran over last Wednesday. I was not in the business to be all loving and sensitive to the cat just yet. A couple weeks later she was skinny one day and had some blood on her. Wow. Chuka had kittens. We couldn't find them anywhere and then we had 2 major snow storms. We just figured the kittens didn't make it. 

Am I boring you yet with this pet story?

Anyway 4 days after Chuka was put to sleep we heard a choir of baby kittens meowing. Three homes down from ours we found the kittens in the backyard on a trailer under a tarp. 6 mini Chukas starving and motherless. The owners of the home were so happy to see me. They just gave me their dog carrier kennel thing and wanted the kittens gone and taken care of. 
I have no idea what to do with kittens only 4 weeks old. 
I didn't even like the idea honestly. 

Julia and Kenzie were ECSTATIC! Oh my, I just remembered Jafar from Aladdin. Ecstatic. 
Anyway- Chay was sort of happy sort of worried when I came home with 6 starving kittens. We all tried feeding them milk with a medicine dropper. I could tell I was getting stressed. I drive to Pet Smart hoping to find a home for the kittens. 
Pet Smart. Who knew people even went to that store. The store was packed. Who are these people? Animal people go to these types of stores. 

Well, I met one of those people. She was a 12 year old girl who overheard my conversation to a worker about my dilemma and she asked if she could have my kittens. Are you a kitty angel? Wow, animal people can be so convenient. Who wants to bottle feed 6 kittens who cry at night and don't know how to poop in the right place yet? Animal people do. 

This young girl and her mom followed me home. Chay and the kids fell in love with one of the kittens. We kept one. Oh my. What were we getting ourselves into?

These last couple days I have been potty training a kitten smaller than my hand. I have to mix formula even. His name is Chancho. Chay loves loves this little thing of cuteness. He even gets up with him at night to bottle feed him.

This is so weird. 

But kittens are really cute. Adorable- I am not an animal person. I mean, I used to love horses as a child and I grew up with the best dog in the world but my mom made it clear as day in my head that pets were supposed to be outside. I just get confused when it comes to caring for something that isn't, I don't know, a human? I just don't love love the idea of having a high maintenance pet right now in my life. But when the kids and husband are on cloud 9- you just have to give in once in a while.  

Well we can't put a 4 week old kitten outside anyway...not in the winter. Chay wouldn't allow it. I don't know what to do. 

So one more thing in my life- A kitten to take care of....hmmmmm. Tender mercy we found Chuka's kittens or a nightmare? 

Well, Chancho is cute and Chay likes to hold him while he watches TV at night. He hopes Chancho gets really fat. He has a thing for fat cats...and fat pregnant women so it appears. Lucky me. 

Friday, November 16, 2012

pregnancy... a horrible experience for me. I wish I liked it more, but I don't. 

I am grateful however that I can get pregnant and that so far I deliver healthy big babies.

My dear daughters, I really hope you have better pregnancies than your mother. If you don't, I will be there for you. I promise.

I always chuckle when I read the lists in magazines of symptoms a pregnant lady might experience while carrying a child. I have 98% of the symptoms.

sick and nauseous- better than the first 4 months but still icky
chronic yeast infection- my neighbor lady calls them the "yeasty beasties"
side stomach ligament pain- always in the middle of the night- EXCRUCIATING pain. Worse than labor.
Varicose veins in the vulva- ouch
sciatic nerve pain in butt- ouch
swollen feet and ankles
shortness of breath
weight gain- which Chay is actually enjoying- I feel so unattractive and he just loves the big boobs.
weakness- getting up the stairs is a killer for me.
Peeing my pants every time I sneeze
'Getting-up-out-of-the-bed-and-recliner-Syndrome'- I have to rock 3 times to get the momentum to get up. 
My back side and legs keep going numb but I'm sure that is the lovely MS.

Mckenzie and Julia, When you are pregnant I will come to your house and clean your microwave. I will make you healthy food to eat because I know you're not in the mood to spend time in the kitchen or to drive to the grocery store. I will cut up your vegetables for you.  I will take your kids and play with them and replace the MIA mother you've been because of your pregnancy.

This means we can't live far apart EVER.


While I wished I looked like Heidi:

I know I look more like a Yo Mama, jumpsuit included.

And what is up with maternity clothes??? Am I the only pregnant lady that doesn't want my cleavage hanging out all over and my butt crack showing every time I bend over? And sleeves? Please.- most of us are not Heidi Klum- where are the 3/4 or 1/2 sleeves so we can hide the jiggle? I should design maternity clothes. Although I do love how Maxi dresses are easy to find these days.

For the most part, us women know when we look decent and when we do not. When we are reminded often by "oh my gosh you are so big" or "are you sure you're not having twins?" or "I just don't think you can get any bigger, how are ever going to make it to February?" It can be discouraging. This morning a mom I know well from Kenzie's school yelled across the parking lot "April, you look so beautiful...pregnancy is so beautiful!" It made me smile. Why can't more people say stuff like that? Or maybe not say anything at all?

I can't wait to get this little boy out of me. I love the feeling about 20 minutes after my babies are born--right after the nurses come in and massage my uterus and I feel like slugging them in the face as if labor wasn't painful enough. I realize the baby is really out of me and I can hold it in my arms- and I smile and say "I'm not pregnant anymore, I did it, and now it is finally over!!!!"

ok. done. I won't complain anymore- except to Chay- because honestly I sleep in the same bed as him and it is he who rolls me out of it every morning.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

blam mmmooh caa shookie?

blam mmmooh caa shookie?

This is what Xander used to hear when we asked him, 

"Do you want a cookie?" 

Xander failed his hearing test a couple weeks back. The doctor said everything sounds underwater to him because of all the fluid in his ears.

I have fond memories of talking to my friends secretly underwater so no one above water could hear? Remember that? Oh the days of swimming the summer away. 

Xander had minor surgery on Monday and got the "tubes". He still talks like how we used to sound to him bloo shopie makkinmmmm. I am hopeful he will be able to recite the whole Pledge of Allegiance perfectly by next Monday. I want that boy to talk!!  

Then on Tuesday Julia dislocated Xander's elbow. I thought it was broken. He was a sad sad sight.We rushed him to the Doctor's. So much pain until the radiologist popped it back in place when they were doing X-rays. He went from being lethargic and teary eyed to running around again in a matter of minutes.

I FINALLY found an awesome doctor for the kids.

Yes, Julia and Xander were at each other again. If you're wondering what exactly happened. I actually didn't see what happened, but I can only imagine. Julia was marking her territory again and Xander kept breaking her rules. Siblings! 

Wednesday we said goodbye to Chuka our cat- spent $120 bucks to put her to sleep at some fancy veterinarian's office.  

Hopefully the rest of the week will be cheaper, uneventful and boring. 

a mother's day

*Here is another post from my archives. I wrote this about a month ago- in the middle of October sometime.  

I wake up in the morning and I do what needs to be done...uncomfortable with my big pregnant belly, I waddle up the stairs and talk myself into giving the day my best shot. I am already wasted and the day hasn't even begun. I wake up Kenzie and remind her how lovely it is to see her. I have to talk her into getting ready as she complains about the cold. I make her breakfast. Kenzie wants to stay in bed. I make her lunch as she struggles to get dressed. I am excited to sneak in a chocolate chip cookie into her lunch because she will be so surprised at lunch time. Kenzie makes it to the table and eats. We say morning prayer. I brush her hair and talk about the boys in her class who like to pull at her braids. She gets mad at me when I brush her tangled hair. I try to have patience but time is running out. We have to leave for school in 5 minutes.

Julia and Xander get pulled out of bed last minute and thrown into the car. They are cold and Julia let's the whole world know it. I run into the house and grab Julia's favorite blanket and a pair of socks. I snuggle her up warm in her car seat- she starts to calm down. I have about a 10 minute drive to school. We sing sometimes or we will talk about weird stuff like the clouds and the changing trees. Sometimes I will listen to talk radio and I am surprised how much the kids listen also. We talk about freedom, choices, consequences, hot dogs and princesses. 

I walk Kenzie to her door at school and my little heart pounds EVERY single day as we kiss each other goodbye. I wish I could homeschool Kenzie and keep her close but I know it's not right for her and I wish I could be that organized and motivated mom who could pull off homeschooling but I know I would be a disservice to them as their teacher in the long run. oh all the things I wish I could do and be...

Back at home Julia plays with her toys as I do the dishes. I love hearing her imaginative dialogue with her dolls. "Up in the mountains is a secret box full of bananas that glow in the dark." It makes me giggle. Xander tries to help me load the dishes and it sort of drives me crazy as he only reaches for the knives EVERY time. He then wonders off to start another mess. I then try to think about all that needs to be done and I get overwhelmed so I sit down at the piano to sing and play a song. Xander follows me and listens to me play as he holds a few toys in his lap. I somehow know Mom playing the piano is a secure thing for him. He loves it and wants to be close. 

I struggle getting motivated because I just don't feel 100% with my health. I am still nauseous believe it or not and my MS is bothering a whole list of other pregnancy issues that literally drag me down.

The dishes are always a struggle. I  don't think I have ever done the dishes without complaining just a little. Isn't Einstein's definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Hello dishes and laundry- you're driving me insane. Laundry seems tiring. I manage to get Julia to do a puzzle and work out of her preschool workbook. She is mastering her letters and numbers. She loves to color and is actually a very easy going little girl when it is just her and I. I have learned that she thrives off of praise and so as long as I am there congratulating her with each of her little accomplishments, she feels on top of the world. "Make her feel on top of the world, April" What I tell myself when I am tired of seeing her 100th coloring page that day. Usually all I have to do is gaze into her dark eyes and that adorable face and my heart melts. I love being home with her all day, I really do. 

Today I went outside to sand some wood for a Relief Society project. Xander loved that I was outside and he ran around bare foot as did Julia. The weather was fall perfect and the kids knew it. Leaves are all over the backyard as they slowly but continuously fall from our beloved big tree. The kids played on the playground and it was a little bit of heaven you know. Perfect crisp air with colors all around. Children laughter...heaven.  

Xander randomly came up and tried to help me sand wood. He tries to communicate the best he can and I acknowledge his gibberish the best I can. We somehow understand each other enough. He would flash his big eyes my way and walk off to play with Julia. There were little fights between the two here and there and some frustrations here and there- as there always is, but overall it was a beautiful simple normal moment- treasured by me. I love Fall. 

I went downstairs and paid some bills and sent out emails to all the people on my church Halloween Party committee. I called about a late library book and set an appointment for my ultrasound. I also made an appointment at the Brigham City Temple for Saturday. Xander comes downstairs and he has dirt all over his face and hands. His feet are black. Julia was complaining about Xander throwing dirt. I go upstairs and wash him up. We clean up toy blocks in the living room- doing all I can to make it look fun so my kids will want to help pick-up. I get upset when Xander then dumps out all the blocks we just picked up. He knows mom is upset so he starts to cry and then I hold him for awhile and reassure him his mommy still loves him. We decide to make blueberry muffins to keep restless little hands busy and excited. Ju Ju and Xander help every step of the way and therefore 5 minute muffins out of the box turned into 30 minute muffins...especially when Xander grabs an egg and squishes it in his hand.

Julia wants help with her puzzle so we end up doing 4 puzzles. Xander went and grabbed his favorite puzzle and we all sat around the table and worked on puzzles until the muffins were done baking. I am starting to get a little anxious as my mind if filled with a hundred million things I need to do for Super Saturday, gospel doctrine class, and the Halloween Party and basically all I have accomplished all day is some little things here and there but mostly cleaning up messes, doing puzzles with a 5 year old and eating blueberry muffins. 

It is time to get Kenzie from school and we pile into the suburban. We get to the school and Xander takes off running. I am fat and pregnant and can barely move. He throws a tantrum while we wait for big sister to get out of school. I hug, talk, sooth, ignore, and kiss Xander until his heart is soft enough to quit the episode. I am tired.  I remember that I need to find some fallen down branches to paint black for the Halloween Party. I take the kids to a nearby park where there is a hillside of trees and forest. The kids are in heaven. It feels so complete to have Kenzie with us and her face is lit up with the excitement while walking through the woods and finding treasures. I was in search of some perfect big branches and all the kids, including Xander decided to be Indians and build a fire and T-pee. They gathered rocks and sticks and built a pretend fire on the grass. The weather was amazingly perfect and so were the circumstances. Kids playing in the woods...laughing and working together. Mom walking along trails, missing Newman Lake and North Idaho and "real forests" but ever so grateful to be out in nature- my true love.

 I am really fat and really out of shape and so I don't really even know what or who I am physically. FOREIGN and out of touch with my body. I can't think of anything more suffocating and out of control than pregnancy. My body does its own thing- cravings, weakness, tired, puky, bloated, weight is NOT fun. I hate it. Can't wait until hold this baby boy in my arms and get on track to getting my body back. 

But with that all put aside, I was so joyfully fulfilled and happy today being with my children and walking through woods, looking for perfect branches to paint and decorate for the church Halloween Party. I felt like in that tiny moment, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. The kids continued to play until I noticed the keys in my pocket were missing. Oh no. They could be anywhere in that big grove of trees. Me and the kids gathered around the "fire" the kids, I mean the Indians built and we prayed to Heavenly Father to help us find the keys. I told everyone to put on their magic eyes and off we went. Surprisingly we found the keys in about 15 minutes. We stopped in the middle of the trees and prayed again to say Thank you to Heavenly Father. Little Xander with his arms folded and head bowed is priceless.

Kenzie and Julia then took off on some trail going upwards. Kenzie is super explorer lately and she wants to take every trail- every pathway. Xander stays pretty close to me as he is connecting the dark forest to one of his favorite books "Cowardly Clyde". He is pretty sure there is a big scary monster sleeping somewhere in the trees. We walk back to the park hand in hand and we talk about the book- he points to the sun over and over because it is the big bad sun that made the monster "explode" at the end of the book. I can't believe how much Xander and I can talk without him really saying any words.

I am with that boy all day long. I know what his favorite songs, books, and foods are. I am so thankful I get to squeeze those cheeks whenever I want to. Although I have hard days where I just can't take being a mother anymore and when nap time for Xander finally comes it almost feels like this euphoric feeling of freedom for 2 hours and the minute I hear him cry in his crib I'm like "nooooo, he's awake!" LOL-

But gratitude still finds its way back somehow and I am filled with thanks for my simple normal life. 

It is time to go home from the park. We somehow get these huge branches I found on top of the suburban and we managed to do a horrible tie-down job. We drive super slow all the way home hoping the branches don't fall off. Dinner is in the crockpot and we patiently wait for Daddy to get home. I feed the kids tomatoes from the garden with salt- one of the their favorite treats- they are tired and hungry. I know a fall-out fight between the kids could happen at any minute, so I get out some dolls at the bottom of their toy basket and Kenzie and Ju Ju instantly start playing dolls. Phew! They get a little crazy with their play. Supposedly one of the dolls has a farting problem and Ju Ju and Kenzie are rolling in laughter as am I as I listen to them while cutting up Zucchini. Kenzie seems to be going through this "picky eating" stage but instead of getting overly frustrated, I try to focus on the few vegetables she still likes- tomatoes, zucchini, broccoli, avocados- 

We make cookies after dinner...Chay is more excited than the children for the cookies. Everyone is happy with their cookie and cup of milk. Kenzie and Xander take a bath together...those days are probably coming to an end so I made sure they had fun together. They played and giggled so hard in the bath tub. It was like music to hear them play together. Kenzie has a special gift with little babies and toddlers. Xander loves loves Kenzie but Julia and him seem to not have quite the same bond. :) After bath time, we rounded up the crew and got naked kids dressed. Julia prefers to sleep naked with only panties on. We usually let her but it is getting really cold at night...Julia has itchy dry skin- combine this with her free spirit, and well, she is hard to keep clothes on believe it or not.  

For scripture time read about what happened in the book of mormon when Christ was killed in Jerusalem and how dark it was for 3 days in the Americas. We talked about darkness and light. We talked about the light Christ brings to the world, even today, where there is so much darkness. We turned off all the lights and Chay turned on the flashlight on his phone and we talked about light in the darkness. It was really neat to see how still the kids were. When Julia said the family prayer she said "please help us keep the commandments so we can always have light" wow, I thought, she was actually paying attention even though she could barely sit still with all that energy. 

Kisses, prayers, hugs...I am tired...I was too tired to read a story or to help Kenzie with her homework. I was done. 8 o'clock and I am done. I really start to slack after 8 o'clock. That is when I pass over all responsibilities to Daddy. I take Xander into his room and fall asleep with him on the rocking recliner.  

I look back on the day where I feel nothing really got accomplished and yet I find that I felt a lot of joy and fulfillment with my simple life today. Sometimes I have not so great days and I feel it is a huge sacrifice and unfair to be a mom and other times I am reminded that I am doing EXACTLY what Father in Heaven wants me to be doing right now. I just can't believe how hard it can be. Hard on days when I really try to have patience and hard on days when I don't have patience because I feel guilty. Regardless, on most days I feel so incredibly lucky.

Going to bed.     

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


I ran over our cat today with my big suburban.

Her name was Chuka. I don't even like cats but I liked Chuka. She came to my backdoor one day starving. I fed her. I would pet her. I fed her some more. The kids were instantly in love with her. She came by everyday and  loved all the attention from the kids. She didn't mind being held or dragged across the lawn by little hands.

Eventually she made our place her home. The mom in me started to really care for her and I even bought the more expensive canned cat food for her to eat. That isn't like me at all. Chay would just smile at how much I liked this random cat.

I found Xander today laying down on the back porch with Chuka just petting her and loving every minute.

We all got in the suburban this afternoon and as I was backing out and I felt a bump. Chuka runs off with her back legs dragging. I panicked.

I rushed her to the vet. A vet. Can you believe that? I grew up with a Dad who would just put animals out of their misery with his 22 rifle. I cried all the way to the veterinarian's office. The vet told me Chuka's tale needed to be amputated and her pelvis was obviously crushed and the X rays would tell what kind of surgery she would need. $$$$$$ I told them to put her to sleep instead and I just started bawling. Ju Ju and Xander kissed her goodbye and we walked out the door.

I cried and cried and then Julia cried and cried. Xander kept saying bye bye. I did the whole "heaven talk" to give them hope. I break parenting rules often when it comes to "being strong". I simply don't agree that Mom's and Dad's shouldn't show emotion in front of their children. Where did that rule come from? We all mourned together and now it's time for bed and we feel somewhat better. Well not really.

Kenzie is still numb to it all and she is reacting out of anger towards everyone. Hopefully she just starts crying soon and lets it all go. She was at school when it all happened.

Stupid cat. I really liked you. Chay is equally as sad which breaks my heart because Chay has a real love for animals.

I cried so much today- over this animal we wouldn't even let inside the house. I just loved how much the kids enjoyed her and how she always purred and loved to be pet.

At least we got to say goodbye to Chuka. It seemed when I was little our family had super bad luck keeping cats alive. A man was using a swather on our alfalfa fields and well let's just say our cat didn't have a chance once the blades got her. We had another cat's head get smashed in the garage door. Another cat used to sleep inside the lawnmower catch bag...Bryon started up the lawn mower one day and well...yeah, not good.

oh stinky life. I miss you Chuka. Thank you for making my kids smile every time they walked out the backdoor.

Friday, November 02, 2012

feeling understood

Ann Romney was interviewed this summer by Oprah. Oprah asked Ann about Multiple Sclerosis. I felt like I knew Ann on a more personal level because of her response. I felt understood. 

Oprah: What does MS do to you?

Ann Romney: For me, my whole right side was numb. I was having difficulty walking. But beyond that it was the fatigue. No one understands, unless they have MS, what fatigue is.

Oprah: It's a weariness in your spirit, your bones, everything.

Ann Romney: In your bones, deep to your bones. Your brain doesn't work, your mouth doesn't work, your tongue doesn't work. Everything is an effort. I mean, to stand up is an effort, to talk is an effort.

Oprah: It's like your body is physically depressed.

Ann Romney: I think a lot of women have autoimmune diseases. O think what happens is, women have five balls up in the air all the time, and they can do it for a while. And then all of a sudden the body just says, Sorry.

Oprah: That's it.

Ann Romney: Done. It gives you a few warnings, and then your body goes, I', gonna make you crash to the ground where you can't even pick your head up. Women try to push through so many things, and our bodies physically can't do that.   

The rest of the interview with Ann and Mitt is a great interview. This is my favorite part:

Oprah: Do you have a personal mantra?

Mitt Romney: Not really.[To Ann] Do you think?

Ann Romney: Yes, you do. 

Mitt Romney: What's that?

Ann Romney: Pray, always be believing.

Mitt Romney: Oh, yes. It's in a book of scripture in my faith, and it says, "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good."

Oprah: "What I know for sure it..." (letting Mitt finish the sentence)

Mitt Romney: God lives, my wife loves me, and my family is the most important thing in my life.

Oprah: Perfect. Thank you. 

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