Tuesday, July 31, 2007

lost at lowes

I noticed I also have a blog entry titled "humbled at hardware store". I guess some of my life's greatest lessons are supposed to be learned where paint, sandpaper, and screwdrivers are sold. Who knew?

So the day was long...too long- my ankles were swollen along with my feet that seemed to be bursting the seams of my sandals. Chay and I had been walking up and down the aisles of Lowe's for about 2 hours filling our cart with the essentials of fixing a bathroom floor that was ruined from a leak...that in itself is worthy of a blog entry of its own...maybe later.

Nearing the end of our visit to Lowe's, we stopped in front of the cashiers and went over our list to make sure we didn't forget anything. At this time a man who kind of gave me the hiby jibbies stopped in front of our cart and laughed at Kenzie who was sitting on top of the toilet we were about to purchase. He then made this comment, "How much is the little girl? I would like to buy her if I could" Chay and I just pulled the courtesy laugh and didn't say much. Chay then remembered he needed something in plumbing. He took off towards the back of the store while we waited for him near the front. Kenzie became impatient and insisted she get down from the toilet. I let her down and she wondered behind a stack of boxes about 3 feet away from where I was standing. I couldn't see her but I figured she was playing with the plastic surrounding the boxes. After about a minute and half of not being able to see her and somewhat surprised she didn't come around the other side to check up on me like she usually does, I go and look behind the stack of boxes. I was about to say, "Come on Kenzie, let's go" but she wasn't there. I looked everywhere and she was no where to be found.

My heart started to pound as I searched up and down the aisles. I then began to scream Mckenzie's name. Each second that passed seemed like an hour. Chay heard me scream her name and he ran to the front of the store and told the employees. They locked the doors and within seconds there were about 6 employees looking for little Kenzie. There were about 10 customers who joined in for the search also.

Everyone kept asking me what she looks like. I just blurted out, "She is so cute...she has curly hair...light brown...very little...only 19 months old." Describing her made me so sad and frantic. I don't know if my brain is conditioned to handle trauma due to what I process from watching TV and movies, but I felt like I was in a movie almost- I just prayed to Heavenly Father "please help us find her, please don't give me this trial, oh protect her" I instantly thought of the creepy old man that wanted to buy her and my thoughts led me to be convinced that he had taken her. Five minutes had passed and she was still gone. I began to just crave her. The shock of it all was overbearing...I went into survival mode and began to think about her laugh, her smile, her kisses...her soft skin. I began to cry harder and more intense- tears started to make their way down my cheeks. I felt so empty and helpless. One employee kept reassuring me we would find her. I wanted to believe her but the tone of her voice reminded me too much of what you would hear in a movie...like she was saying to me what she was supposed to say to me in that kind of a situation...the whole experience was so surreal. Finally after 5-7 minutes of hell, we hear a voice several aisles down "we found her" oh those wonderful words- the best thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Again someone said, "here she is...we found her" I felt bursts of happiness surge through my whole body. I ran towards the voice and there she was, my little Kenzie playing with some wrenches she pulled off the shelf. I picked her up and just cherished the feel of her little body. I softly whispered over and over, "Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you" She understood something or she knew she was lost because she immediately hugged me back for a long time.

That was so horrible of an experience. Everything in my world flipped for 5 minutes. I was truly reminded of my dear love for my daughter.

Can you believe Heavenly Father loves us more than we love our children? I wonder what He must feel when we go astray and become lost. Does He ache like I did when I lost Mckenzie? When God revealed to Enoch how many of His children, the very "workmanship of His own hands" would disobey Him, God wept...

Imagine what Heavenly Father feels when we return to Him?

A really weird twist...but loosing Kenzie at Lowe's helped me realize my worth, my true divinity. I am a child of God.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Friday, July 20, 2007

Sarah McLachlan and Josh Groban - In The Arms Of The Angel

ok...this is for Calie who is passionate about Josh and yet it is for me who loves Sarah...oh and for Marne...she is lucky enough to go to Josh's concert next month....so all you go ahead and sing along...two amazing singers.

Friday, July 13, 2007

month 9

sacrament meeting:

quiet toys, 4 ward bulletins and crayons, water cup and fishy's (GoldFish Crackers, Original Flavor) always seem to help keep little Mckenzie busy enough to not want to run up and down the aisles in the chapel. This last Sunday however it was Mom who made the embarrassing scene during Sacrament Meeting. It confirmed my overly passionate disliking of being 9 months pregnant.

Kenzie dropped a goldfish under the pew and instead of crawling under to get it, she did her little whine she often does when she wants something. Of course my goal is to keep her quiet and reverent so I quickly look for the runaway fishy. It was in a really awkward spot to reach for someone with the belly the size of mine. I stretched and reached but to no avail the fishy rescue was unsuccessful. My concluding thoughts were to just leave the dang cracker in its new place but the little whines kept getting louder as Kenzie persistently pointed to the fishy. I finally got on my hands and knees between the two pews and picked up the GoldFish. Mckenzie instantly resumed back to "happy content child" as she gulped down the cracker. I however found myself in quite the situation. Every time I attempted to get up off my knees and sit down on the bench...I would fail miserably. I was stuck.

Ok so of course I am kind enough to myself or prideful enough whichever of the two who knows- to immediately complain about the year the church was built and how the stupid pews were installed so close together...but the complaining didn't help me get unstuck and only caught Chay's attention. He looks down at me with this look of bewilderment, "What are you doing?" He asks me. "I was trying to get a fishy!" which made me look even stupider. "Get up" Chay insisted. "I can't," I was getting hot and embarrassed, "My butt is too big...I'm stuck" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Mckenzie started to giggle thinking mom was trying to be funny. Chay gave me his hand and told me to move away from the hymn book holder which was sticking out from the front pew. It was out far enough to keep me from getting up. What seemed like forever but was probably only 45 seconds or so, I was freed from the tight space between the pews...it was just plain awkward. Why we decided to sit 2 rows from the front row that day I don't know...but I can just imagine who all saw the new fat pregnant girl get stuck between the pews.

I hate being 9 months pregnant. It is official. I only have 25 days left until due date arrives. Women are amazing for bearing children...

I am so tired, so worn out and exhausted...I just want to sleep and sleep but of course my bladder only let's me sleep for maybe 3 hours at a time. I can't even begin to explain how wiped out I feel. They say I'm a little anemic...but iron pills aren't really helping. Oh how I just want to drift away on a cloud with no aches or pains or Mckenzie to wake me up.

I just want to jump out of this huge tired body and run as fast as can and jump into a lake. I just want to feel youthful and light.

Our hardwood floors don't help on the whole self esteem issue...I feel like an elephant when I walk anywhere in our house...boom, boom, boom...oh it is lovely...a great reminder.

I don't know what I would do without Chay's basketball shorts. They have a big elastic waist. The minute I come home from anything the first thing I do is put on his shorts. Chay's not allowed to wear them...I tell him to take them off politely if he has them on. Oh he is so understanding.

The skin on my belly was pretty tolerable with Kenzie but round 2 has been different. I always want to sing the Caramello candy bar commercial tune when I look at my new little depressing stretch marks "stretch it out out out....caramello" I will optimistically say for the rest of my life, "These stretch marks are my battle wounds from a great victory" and "I am so grateful bikini's and modesty don't mix" but still I will hate them forever...month 9- the last stretch...so we hope... literally.

I have been teary eyed lately. Hormones, long lonely days, tired, sick of cleaning the same pan every single night after dinner...you know the silly things that get pregnant girls going on a blubber fest for 20 minutes. I was thinking about how my life is going to change drastically here in a few weeks. I was feeling doubt about being a mother of two. How am I going to do it and still keep my sanity? How am I going to reassure Kenzie my love for her is the same even though I can't be there for her all the time? When will I sleep? When will I get to write on my blog? When will I be able to exercise? How am I going to fly home to see my mom? How will I afford diapers for two? When will I get to use my talents and do things just for me? Ahhhh I was starting to open up to Chay and I looked over at him in bed and he was fast asleep...poor thing- he is gone 12-13 hours a day and I know he has his own set of worries and concerns- oh it is all interesting this ride called life...ups and downs...all make us who we are and who we are to become...regardless I hate being 9 months pregnant.