Wednesday, October 31, 2007

about me

ok so I was supposedly tagged by Marne- cyber tagged- didn't know there was such a thing...but I guess I'm it. I was tagged to share some little known facts about was fun in the making.

1. ok I love to throw things is weird but just cleaning out the fridge or a closet and just chucking things out left and right can give me the biggest adrenalin rush- I love to dejunk even though I am still messy- someday...someday

2. I hate large spaces. I do not really like the ocean. It is too big for me. It is pretty and all but just so massive that I almost feel uncomfortable instead of relaxed like most when on the beach. I used to have nightmares that I was in a huge wheat field where all I could see was wheat for miles- as far as the eyes could see in every direction- with no mountains, no cars, no streets- oh that just overwhelms me. I like borders, limits, edges, boundaries, mountain ranges.

3. I like to read the tabloids. I just get fascinated with famous people and their gossip- isn't that retarded? although I have never bought a people magazine or what have you- but I will admit I like to read them while waiting in line at the grocery store. I guess I get interested in lifestyles completely different than my own...

4. I love to eat...but I am not a junk food junky for the most part although lately I have been- that is a different story- but I just absolutely love to eat healthy- it is not hard for me to eat like we should- it is just expensive and time consuming but I get so dang excited when I have peas, brown rice, chicken, almonds, fish, tons of vegetables, garlic and onions all lathered on top of a pile of romaine lettuce. It is like my body says a big thank you because I feel good and it tastes soooo good to me.

5. I crave functionality. I love house plans- I love to look at them and see if they are practical and functional. When my companion sprained her ankle on my mission we had to sit in our house for 2 weeks. I designed the perfect house plan. It was so fun. I should have been an architech- I don't think I could pass the math. I feel so out of whack if I don't have function- that is probably why I am so out of whack- I can't seem to get things down to a system- but I crave it nonetheless-I hate clutter-unless it's books. Chay thinks it is weird how I put away the toaster everyday. I don't like any kitchen appliance on my counter tops.

5. Pet Peeves: Pen marks on skin- so if you have a pen and not paper do not write a phone number on your hand when I am around. I cringe. I hate it. I hate touching retail store dressing room tags- especially at Ross- they are slimy and so used yuck-I hate being home alone but I like being alone at home- As long as Chay is somewhere in the house. But I like my space- I hate going barefoot- or shoeless. I can't stand it when little particles of somethings stick to my feet. I don't like it when I am talking to someone and there is someone in the room with a louder voice than me- I can't concentrate. Iceberg lettuce in salads, loose hairs on the shower wall or floor of bathroom- oh sick, being late, kids crying, Kenzie waking up early from nap...

6. I like Trivia, facts, the news, history, taking tests (not math), crosswords- I'm horrible, peach crisp (with oats)...and owen wilson- know one can make me laugh more. ok there you go

Joette- I triple dog tag you...

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

her visit

we miss gamma already...

Kenzie went downstairs today and looked for grandma. I guess she didn't understand the whole airport thing today- she was so upset that her shoe fell off in the car that she didn't grasp the concept that grandma was going back home.

My mom is alive to teach me many things. She pretends she doesn't have cancer but her body reminds her otherwise. She helped me so much these past 2 weeks. She got me motivated to organize and dejunk a little. She didn't think she was doing much because she didn't manhandle everything but I kept telling her that watching the kids for me while I worked was the biggest help of all- don't you mothers out there agree? She did my laundry and dishes- and even cleaned my bathroom.

My mom loves my children. She sings to them, plays with them, baths them- and even disciplines them-

It is amazing how we have choice. My mom gets discouraged- this I know- but she is still a fighter- filled with love, hope, and charity. She just doesn't give up. Whenever I spend time with her I am reminded of her incredible faith and how I have so much to be grateful for. I am thankful for her visit.

Monday, October 29, 2007

ju ju & kenzie

BubbleShare: Share photos - Here comes Halloween!

Sunday, October 28, 2007


People can be just... so disconnected sometimes. This holiday is just down right freaky. I can deal with pumpkins, hay bails, and dress up- but when your neighbor has a 10 foot Grim Reaper on his roof with his 15 foot scythe in hand you know there's got to be something wrong.

It was at Smith's grocery store that really did it for me- about a month and half ago we made a trip to Smith's to get milk or something. I parked our grocery cart in front of the cashier stands so I could dig through my diaper bag. I was in search of my wallet or a coupon I can't remember but...I noticed Kenzie was staring without a blink at this Halloween decoration which was a life size fake man sitting on a pile of candy with his eyes tightly shut. Kenzie was studying him out wondering if the man was real or not. She leaned in closely when suddenly the man's eyes pop open- and if that's not bad enough- he then goes about to rip his head off his shoulders- Happy Halloween oh my gosh!- Kenzie turned white and didn't say a word and then three seconds later turned beet red and just screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. Huge tears dripped down her cheeks as she covered her eyes with her small hands. She demanded me with open arms to get her out of that shopping cart and hold her tightly. Which I did of course. I held her with all my might and kept saying, "I know Halloween is insane, that was just freaky, I'm here for you Kenz" After we got in the car she went silent for once after crying for a good 15 minutes. She then didn't say a word or make a peep for 2 hours afterwards. I was worried sick about her. That night Chay gave her a blessing of comfort.

If it is scary to children then maybe it should be for us too. Put it all away please. Take down your ridiculous mummy's and skeletons in your front yards, your machetes, axes, bloody swords, Grim Reapers, and your bloody tombstones- I don't like it and either does my daughter.

People just turn numb and become so stupid this time of the year. Now imagine me saying this instead of just reading this- with my eyes open wide "People are insane during Halloween!"

Today we drove through a beautiful well kept neighborhood. It was enjoyable to say the least because of the Fall colors and such but then it was all ruined when we drove past a house that had a mummy in the front yard stabbing something dead under a bloody sheet. I immediately thought "Is that honestly a Halloween decoration? Did someone actually take the time to set this up in their front yard as a way to celebrate? Is this for real?" It was worse than watching CSI. I bet that is where they got the idea. It is like once a year Halloween gives people the permission to be literally messed up. I mean do people actually giggle and sing songs when they are draping dismembered body parts all over their trees? Do they reminice about fond memories when they are setting up "Headless Harry" with an ax stabbed through his heart? a little quirky I'd say-

Love casteth out all fear- If you crave being scared or crave scaring others than maybe you should question yourself...because if love casteth out all fear than fear must cast out all love....don't want to go there.

So besides the scary icky stuff, teeth rotting insulin sky rocketing from candy overload, the ok on girls dressing immodestly because it is part of their so-called "costume", the wasted money spent on costumes and candy, and the ridiculously horrid haunted houses... Halloween could be ok I guess if you feel like carving a pumpkin or two and dunking for an apple...but honestly it is one holiday we can all do away with.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


Tonight I went to our stake center for a leadership meeting. A little girl opened the front door for me. Sounds of basketballs bouncing on the gym floor and kids running up and down the halls really made it a pleasant experience for me. I walk down the hall and pass a room where several young women were sitting together. The leader of the girls had just stood up in front of them and said, "welcome to young women's" I just smiled as I kept walking and searching for my meeting.

Sometimes the simplest things touch me the walking through the halls of our stake center tonight. The building was full and busy- with almost every room filled with saints who were taking a little refuge break from the storm on a Wednesday night. It was a good place to be- I feel grateful.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

my gifts

So I turned 28 on Saturday...another year has flown by.

Birthdays are great invitations to reflect life. I am a reflector. Can you tell? It is a gift. One of my many gifts.

So Joette got me amazing Chacos- I recommend them to everyone. Sandals that feel like running shoes. Chay surprised me with a flip down TV/CD/DVD player for the kitchen. He also framed Kenzie and Julia's hand prints- it was quite the struggle to convince Kenzie to put her hand into the tile grout and Julia is still so small she didn't want to open her hand up all the way- but that is what I love so dearly about the messy hand prints--Chay's loving effort to make it special for me. He also made me a CD of Regina - a new artist I discovered. thank you Chay. Jill made me lunch, many cards, phone calls of course, Tara made me a clock, Tami babysat, Emily got me the coolest dang measuring cups in the world, mom and dad are driving down to see me!.....thank you- I feel valued and special in people's lives.

Great gifts.

Now a gift to me from me...valuing myself.

I am trying to dive into a self actualization authentication realization phase in my life- I am searching for myself as I give and serve my life away to my family. I am wanting an overnight change. I am a true victim of instant gratification- it is chiseled into my personality and it is hard to smooth out- but I am learning slowly I suppose the simple yet difficult concept of how with "small things great things come to pass"- I have to tell myself out loud, "April, small out don't get overwhelmed" I know there is so much for me to receive out there- more happiness, knowledge, accomplished goals, peace- I just have to take one day at a time and do the best I can.

So for my birthday I decided to reflect on my gifts as a way of inviting the spirit and being grateful to my Heavenly Father for who I am--what I am made of. I am also grateful for my faults for they too are invites to change and grow- but I dwell on those far too often and they get me down far too much so maybe later....

My gifts:

my imagination
play my feelings out on the piano
analytical and critical thinker
touching and holding my children often
speaking and giving talks
feel for others- words of comfort
passion for music, gospel, people, nature, children, art, truth

many more I am sure...but these seem to be pretty evident to me right now.

happy birthday to me

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

backyard bliss

Our little backyard makes me smile. There are some advantages to living in an old neighborhood...the trees are huge and tall and of course the virginia vines on every fence. The leaves are starting to turn red and fall.- Fall always reminds me of change and preparedness for a new time in it inspires me to keep positive and to keep looking forward.

Nothing is better than watching Kenzie just enjoy simpleness. Childhood is grand you know? This summer she went out to the backyard one morning to play in the dirt and so I followed her...wanting to feel what a child discover and smile...and it wasn't long before I was running through the sprinklers and enjoying the sun. thank you mckenzie....thank you

bubbleshare: Share photos - Halloween contest

Monday, October 08, 2007


I think the renewal is starting to expire...

Isn't it funny how conference doesn't change you permanently? I know this from experience and from dwelling on how righteous change occurs in my life.

I felt so good this weekend after feeling the spirit for 2 days in a row but I knew the feeling would only last so long and I would return to my old self again. When I hear the choir sing or hear Elder Eyring get emotional I hear myself saying, "I want to feel like this family is the most important thing in the world to me...I never want to get upset again at Chay or Kenzie...I'm going visiting teaching tomorrow" Do you think this way when you hear conference? Everything seems so I am floating on a cloud when I listen to conference. But then the TV gets turned off and a kid starts to whine or whatever and then...well real life sets in again and of course because of the spirit I am gentle and loving to the whole family...for about a day...and then I start to lose that feeling...anyone relate?

I thought to myself "maybe I will take favorite quotes from conference and have Kinko's print them out on 5 feet by 3 feet card stock and I will post them on every door and wall of my house...or maybe I should just buy the conference cd's and have them play all day long...then I will remember the feeling I had at conference" not very reasonable I know...

It is the Savior who can literally change us. Obviously there are a million things out there that help aid our faith and growth like general conference...but it is Him who makes the real change- who can make the change last...the great atonement. Thank goodness we have conference as an invite to discover Christ in our lives-

Well it is worth contemplating and praying about...a lot of growing and knowing to do.

Friday, October 05, 2007

the renewal

Nothing seems to be more refreshing than conference weekend.

I remember the days growing up- we would dress up and head to the stake center for the day. We would pack a lunch and eat with the rest of the stake who didn't have the privilege of cable in their home. Of course I complained during the long talks as we sat in the dark chapel for 20 hours it seemed. I always fell asleep on my mom's lap and I still have sweet memories of her putting down her notepad full of conference notes and playing with my hair and scratching my back. thanks mom

now I can just stumble down the stairs in my pj's with a bowl of popcorn...I feel a tiny ounce of guilt for some reason not being all dressed up. I do however stand up off my couch when the congregation sings...I love General Conference. It is habit for some to get something to eat or make a phone call during the songs but that is so not allowed if you're watching conference with my mom...we just all sit with her and stare at the television screen and let the music touch our rule #1 with me too...don't talk when the choir sings-

Conference touches my soul, it renews my spirit, it gives me hope, life makes sense once again...I can't wait. I can't wait to hear the choir...oh how I love the choir. Don't you? I am very connected to music. If I need to feel the Savior's love- I turn on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I swear heaven is so close.

Elder Faust will be missed. Some quotes of his that give me strength:

"Each of us needs to reach down into the innermost recesses of our souls to find the divinity that is deep within us and to earnestly petition the Lord for an endowment of special wisdom and inspiration. Only when we so profoundly reach the depths of our beings we can discover our true identity, our self worth, and our purpose in life" April 1995-

"Only as we seek to be purged of selfishness and of concern for recognition and wealth can we find some sweet relief from anxieties, hurts, pains, miseries, and concerns of this world...God can not only help us find a sublime and everlasting joy and contentment, but he will change us so that we can become heirs of the kingdom of God. This is really the recovery of the sacred within us." April 1995- same talk

"Since our own feelings are sacred to us and cannot be disputed by others, let us begin with those quiet assurances which occasionally can come to all of us and which we know are true. We cannot always prove these verities to others, yet they come as a form of knowing." November 1976

I cried through Elder's Faust's funeral. They weren't tears of sadness but just tears of knowing this man was holy and pure.

Conference shoves me back on track quickly. All of the sudden I can see the big picture- I suddenly don't feel the urge to buy new things or feel sorry for myself- I just want to live- live fully- happy and loving- to enjoy simple things and to become closer to Heavenly Father and Christ.

Tell me what you learned from conference...I want to hear...I want to enjoy it together.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

let your life speak's an old Quaker saying and also the title of a book I have read and still read here and there. It's the kind of book you can open in the middle, beginning or the end and still learn yes...let your life speak.

It's more of an invitation- not so much my life motto- not yet.

It means to live authentically- to find your center, embrace your values and truth, to be who you are regardless of who you're with or where you are...this is what the Quakers intended with the saying...and I hope I do the same...with time.

Have you ever seen "Runaway Bride"? Well it is a simple movie and definitely not one of my favorites- but there is a scene in that movie that I always play over and over in my head- it is when Julia Roberts (I don't remember her screen name) is trying to decide how she likes her eggs. It was made known to her that her favorite type of eggs changed depending on what situation she was in or who she was with. I feel this way sometimes about myself. I mean I'm not that completely lost...I like my eggs scrambled for all those you might get a little concerned...but at times I feel like I am sort of floating when I should be grounded. Does that make sense?

well so I sojourn...

Many of you suggested titles for my blog that related somewhat to family and being a mother...well of course- of course- these experiences are teaching me more about life than I will ever know- but I wanted to somehow separate myself from "mommy" and make the title more meaningful for me- anyway...

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"Then I ran across the old Quaker saying, 'Let your life speak.' I found those words encouraging, and I thought I understood what they meant: 'Let the highest truths and values guide you. Live up to those demanding standards in everything you do.' Because I had heroes at the time who seemed to be doing exactly that, this exhortation had incarnate meaning for me--it meant living a life like that of Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or Mahatma Gandhi or Dorothy Day, a life of high purpose.

"So I lined up the loftiest ideals I could find and set out to achieve them. The results were rarely admirable, often laughable, and sometimes grotesque. But always they were unreal, a distortion of my true self--as must be the case when one lives from the outside in, not the inside out. I had simply found a "noble" way to live a life that was not my own, a life spent imitating heroes instead of listening to my heart.

"Today, some thirty years later, 'Let your life speak' means something else to me, a meaning faithful both to the ambiguity of those words and to the complexity of my own experience: 'Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you.'" ~Parker J. Palmer

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

personality test

a little creepy...those who know me just might say this is exactly me...even though I wish I was different in some aspects- I wish I was more outgoing...and less sensitive but I am what I am I suppose...thanks Marne for the link-

here are the results of a personality test I took online...take the test...and post the results- I would love to see them.

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

Monday, October 01, 2007

under construction

thank you for all your comments and ideas on my title...I am still working on it...although it's has been quite interesting lately. Kenzie has been a different child...grouchy, naughty, mean...Julia is worse than ever...I think it is because of the antibiotics I am on...oh yeah...mastitis. I just can't seem to get anything done. do you write on two blogs daily with three kids? You amaze me...kenzie just screams and pulls everything off the desk when I am on the computer...