Wednesday, March 21, 2007

it's a girl

Ultrasounds are amazing aren't they? Another little girl coming our way. Our home will be so blessed with so many ladies! Just wait until the girls are 16 & 17! I'm sure our house will be visited quite frequently by the male gender! "Those Clark girls are hot!" happy happy joy joy

Thursday, March 15, 2007

what in the heck?

We all wonder 'why' sometimes right? Well for Pete's sake -whoever the heck Pete is- why do yucky things happen to people continuously all week -day after day? Monday was a trip to the doctor's after 2 weeks of dealing with a horrible sinus infection. Then to top off the day, we find out later on that afternoon Chay didn't get the job he was a 100% sure he would get.

coughing, disappointment, earaches, discouraged, sore throat

Tuesday I pack all day and decide to go to the store and get a couple things for dinner. A quick decision to run to payless shoes and the dollar store before the grocery store fed the bad week beast. Somewhere between those two pointless stores I lost my dear wedding ring, yes my gorgeous unique wedding ring. I retraced my steps and literally ended up empty handed. Did I leave it at home? Did it fall off my finger? With a pounding heart and worried sick I finally made it to the grocery store. I was looking for hamburger buns but since my mind was only on my missing ring, I found myself walking up and down the baby aisle. Eventually I make it to the cashier and after ringing up a cart full of groceries I come to realize my debit card is missing from my wallet. What in the heck? Embarrassed I tell the cashier I can't buy the groceries. I drag Mckenzie out to the car. We ate rice and ketchup for dinner.

coughing, worried, tears, sore throat, disappointment, running nose, discouraged

Wednesday I wake up with hope of a miracle after coughing up a lung first. I tore apart the apartment even more than the night before. I went back to Payless and Dollar tree for the third time looking for my wedding ring. I gave out my name and number to all the surrounding stores. I came home and posted my lost on 2 huge community lost and found websites. My prayers were practically begging sessions. All day I would just say out loud "Oh please Father, help me find my ring" I was just sick inside. The only way I could handle the day was to pretend it never happened. That would last for maybe 5 minutes.

antibiotics kicking in, ache in heart, hopeful

Thursday, today, I wake up hearing myself tell Chay our lives are in God's hands and in the end it will all be ok. I figure it will all one day be a good story. I long for my ring. It looked so good on my hand. I'm vain I know. I decide to pay my bills and get back on track with life. I look for my check book. It is gone from its place. I can't find it anywhere. What in the heck? I am loosing my mind! Tears flow and I start to sob like a baby. I can't even believe this! I again search the entire apartment with a blank mind, no recollection of where it could possibly be. I finally call Chay and just start to cry. He tells me he is coming home. By the time he walks through the door, I had found my check book in the car. Chay was breathing hard and looked upset. He ran to the computer and just said in an irritated voice, "My debit cards were stolen on the bus" We deactivated everything. Call 911. Comes to find out his bus pass, 2 debit cards, and a $20 gift certificate were taken slyly from his wallet.

numb, angry, little cough, disappointed,
um...what in the heck?
better days please come our way

Monday, March 12, 2007

welcome spring

I wish you could see outside. Come outside with me!

It is so beautiful today. I have been craving cool breeze sunny days for a long time. I cried when I walked outside today. Thank you mom for creating such passionate daughters!

Woke up, cut off old maternity jeans into shorts, played in the sun with Mckenzie!

What a gift from Heavenly Father! Welcome Spring!

Friday, March 09, 2007

little light

Tonight while nursing Mckenzie (yes, I'm still nursing) she would reach up and touch my eye lashes. The softness of my lashes tickled her finger and she would just giggle and giggle. I know the last day to nurse her is soon approaching...and you know it makes me a little sad. It has been our little time together where everything in the world stops for a few moments and it is just me and her. I remember when she was first born and my nipples were scabby and bleeding from breastfeeding. Mckenzie wouldn't latch well and I basically would cry and scream when it was time to feed her. My mom's wise words, "trust me, it is worth the struggle, just trust me, anything worthwhile takes a battle at first" I wanted to believe her but at the same time I was ready to quit. I am so grateful I stuck it out...and as funny as it sounds, it causes little heartache to say goodbye to those little moments of cuddling skin to skin. But I have another baby coming oh boy...

Kenzie is my little audience. Sometimes when I get in these passionate moods I will just tell her what is on my mind and over exaggerate the fluctuation in my voice. She will just listen to me and talk right back in her jibber jabber. Her eyes are so sincere that for a moment I feel that we are truly communicating.

I told her to pretend to be Paula Abdul while I try out for American Idol. We bought a play microphone the other day and well...we both take turns singing our hearts out. It can be mind boggling sometimes to grasp the concept that this little 15 month old girl has a mature spirit, stuck in a little body. She will teach me so much.

She is my light. I struggle sometimes with being home all day but to make it straight-It is never Mckenzie I struggle with. I know it is an inner battle that I deal with- It is how I deal with things, how I make choices, how I see things, my attitude- but anyone who has spent any time with Kenzie knows she is way too easy to love and be with. She is very entertaining to say the least. She is always laughing and giggling. She always flashes her huge smile at me and all I can do is look up to the heavens and say, "thank you Heavenly Father for sending me this positive little light into my life right now."

Thursday, March 01, 2007

the invitation

First of all I am aware by some due to my last blog entry that my honesty can be alarming- somewhat worrisome. I call it my gift of self discovery.

Since we were two we have been told to never lie to our parents, teachers, friends- but somehow the permission to lie to ourselves was granted under hidden or sometimes obvious expectations, guilt, intimidation, pleasing, praise seeking- We then become strangers in our own life not knowing who we really are, not sure what drives us to true inner happiness because we have been living for so long trying to fit accordingly into another world. When we hear the statement, "Living in the world but not of it" or "attempt to stay away from worldly things" I take those statements a step inside and believe it is God's invitation to explore the inner me.

Honesty with myself has lead my heart to open. It has allowed great sadness and pain to enter which is never fun, but needed, so a healing can begin. I start by contemplating my motivations. Why do I do the things I do? What is the true leading source behind my actions? I notice I live in fear and guilt without even knowing it. I realize that sometimes I don't feel of total worth unless I receive some sort of praise or acknowledgement. For many years I was convinced Heavenly Father was only happy with me when I kept the commandments. I had a misconstrued idea of God's love. I concentrated so heavily on his justice I felt there was no room for mercy. Trust me- this took a long time to figure out I even thought this way. I was wrapped up in being an active member, doing what was right, doing all I could to prove to God I was worthy. Yet I felt something was missing. I now know God only wanted me- not the person I was pretending to be. Stripped and empty are invitations to allow Christ work in your life.

My last blog entry was how I felt inside. I knew something didn't feel right. So I decided to just get out what I was feeling. It is healthy- and I am still normal. Now the feelings are out in front of me, I can start to heal, explore, pray, search-Of course it's a journey and a life long eternal process- So many of us are still stuck in not willing to explore who we are and how we have lost little bits of ourselves along the way due to life's experiences. We don't want to figure out why we numb ourselves to too much TV, too much computer, over working, under working, obsessiveness with housework, food, rigid attitudes, blaming others, manipulating, persuading with guilt, getting angry over silly things, feeling depressed, not forgiving,- it is too easy not to change. Who likes to change the only thing that protects us from feeling hurt? The most difficult- the most challenging step is the first and that is to realize why and what it is that is preventing us as individuals from growth. The minute you let down those walls- you will start to feel insecure but if you allow Christ to enter/take over, the much needed pain will turn into peace. Peace... we all search for peace. Not just a peaceful day or moment- but peace in our souls continually.

I have so far to go. I am so thankful. I don't want to ever stop needing Christ. We think peace is the ending reward- nothing in God's plan ends. Needing the atonement is peace. Christ doesn't want us to be miserable, therefore He invites us to struggle, hurt, and ache so we can turn to Him.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."