Tuesday, March 31, 2009

bite your neck

(oh what a lovely picture to grasp an idea of Julia on a daily basis- don't worry Dad you didn't make her cry, that is just who she is half the time)

Dad came to visit me a couple weeks ago.

It was nice to have him around. There is a sense of comfort when Dad is here. He has known me since day one...so I like the fact that I can be totally myself around him.

I am sure the screaming kids drove him up the wall- but surprisingly he did better than I thought. At least he had Chay to play with from time to time...going to the gun store and fixing cars and such. We always have a car to fix around here.

We went on the paper route together. 4:30 came bright and early. Well not bright- just early. Dad was a paperboy himself in his early years. So he was teaching me how he used to fold papers in the 50's. We both decided that newspapers are bigger now than they used to be...

"Come here I'm gonna bite your neck!" was probably my Dad's favorite thing to say to the girls when he was here. When Julia heard this, who is in her non interpretive stage, would just giggle. And Kenzie who in her overly interpretive A.K.A sensitive stage would grab her neck out of protection and come run and hide under my arm...
Dad, where did you exactly get that saying anyway? Now that I think about it for the first time in 29 years, it is a little disturbing isn't it? oh and I just remembered the other phrase my dad loves to tell little children. "Come here I'm gonna throw you in the oven!."
Those of you from the home front- Calie, Lorena, Joette- you all know Dad's quirky sayings all too well...what entertainment they bring to the family.

I love my Dad. He is so simple. So full of love...and he's got to be the most genuine man out there. He teaches with tough love often yet really he is nothing more than a big teddy bear.

Thanks for coming Dad. I love you.

Monday, March 30, 2009

where are you planted?

I'm going to be in complete denial...and pretend there isn't 5 inches of snow in my backyard.

Because if I dwell on the fact that we are soon approaching the month of April and it looks like we should go caroling or something for family home evening tonight- I am going to freak out. Ok I already have freaked out- more than once. I even tried to blame Chay for the snow- it didn't work.

So as I patiently await for sunshine and vitamin D, I will concentrate on these pictures- which believe it or not were taken a week ago, when we were actually having normal spring weather:

I am not a garden guru by all means. I just try. And plus I think gardens are really cool...so rad.

This year I decided to experiment planting tomatoes and broccoli inside my house to transfer later into the garden outside. When I first planted the seeds I thought "there is no way these little seeds are going to grow" I know, where's the faith. I was sure I would never see anything green popping up from the soil- but guess what????

My little seeds germinated!!! That is a big garden guru word. And one day I went downstairs and peeked into the window seal where my plants are...and what do you know? Green little plants...making their way through the soil....oh what joy.

I'm a sign seeker. Didn't have faith until I saw that the plants were actually growing. Maybe gardening is here to teach me something more about myself than I thought???

Friday, March 27, 2009


Click on the LEAD button below will ya and look around on the 9/12 project website...and sign up. Read the mission statement first and if you agree- become a member. It is free and you don't have to be overly involved- although it would be nice if you were- but just becoming a member, you are joining an interest group that demands morals and principles to be practiced by our congressional leaders.

The goal is to reach 1 million members by September 12, 2009. Once it's obvious what "We The People" demand and expect from our government officials- once we have a big enough interest group that stands for what the Founding Fathers stood for, there will be politicians with these standards who will want to represent us. Stand up and lead.

Oh and while you are on the website there is a link "Tea Parties" click to see if there is a Tea Party in your city any time soon or on April 15th. The more who show up to these peaceful rallies, the more we are making it clear to government "we ain't kiddin around".

Check out this video: Sometimes I wish I lived in Texas...for this very reason.

Don't mess with Texas.

oh and here is a video from the Orlando Florida Tea Party:

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Mom started to lose parts of her mind around the end of August. She died 2 months later on October 16th. She didn't lose her mind all at once. In fact she never ever did forget who we were or who her greatest oldest friends were. But in the beginning first stages she would say things here and there that were totally off and a little "out there" - and that is when it set in that Mom would never be the same again.

We were accepting of Mom not being all there I suppose. I wasn't so much. I hated it to be honest. I even got upset at first "Mom, you are talking so weird. Do you know what you are even talking about?" I was probably rude. Probably one of the many reasons why I cry about Mom being gone. Sometimes I wish I could have been nicer. Any of you daughters out there who tend to be a little snappy every now and then to your Mom- watch out. It will haunt you in later years.

anyway- So when Mom started to do and say things that weren't exactly "her", it kind of made reality set in- in a weird sad interesting kind of way.

But the interesting part about the end of Mom's life is that sometimes her brain would work in full funtion... and she would throw us all off with these deep profound words of wisdom...and sometimes she would try to convince us of something that didn't seem true- come to find out they were true and we would have to ask her for forgiveness for not believing her.

A couple months before Mom died, Joette heard her walking around the downstairs very early in the morning. When Joette found Mom she was in her sewing room walking/wandering around aimlessly.

Joette: "Mom, are you ok?"

Mom: "I want to finish eating my toast for breakfast and I can't find it anywhere."

Joette: "Mom you are downstairs. Your toast is probably upstairs in the kitchen."

Mom: "Are you sure? oh you're probably right. Why am I down here anyway? I am really losing it aren't I?" (with her cute laugh)

Joette made sure she told me this sad but cute story of Mom looking for missing toast- downstairs, in her sewing room, at 5:30 in the morning.

Well about 2 months ago Joette came to visit me in Utah and she brought down all of Mom's sewing stuff- sewing machine, serger, patterns, material, you know- sewing stuff. And what did I find mixed in with the material?

Toast. Old stale half eaten toast.

It was a lovely gift to find. It was so fun to discover the toast- especially since I knew the first half of the story.

Now I am having a hard time throwing it away.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

just passionate

I finished up nursing Julia a couple weeks ago...and we moved the rocking gliding chair downstairs last night-

two events that of course brought tears to the eyes.

"I'm not unstable, I'm just passionate" ~Glenn Beck

I nurse my babies as long as I can. It is more about the touch, cuddle, holding, and snuggle than it is about the nutrition.

I can't say it's about the nutrition when I shove suckers and gold fish crackers in Julia's face so she can stop crying in the car.

And what really gets me is that my girls drive me nuts half the time...but I still feel that nursing is a miracle- so perfectly designed.

Julia is a very hard baby. Well she's not a baby- she is 19 months- but she is a very defiant bold loud energetic determined little girl. She screams so loud. I have done everything I could possible do to make her stop screaming but it doesn't work. She makes me cry because she is so impossible. Nursing was such a peaceful breakaway from the constant tantrums, losing her temper and throwing things out of anger. You think I am kidding? She is sweetheart half the time- but the other half...oh boy watch out. When she is mad I have to put her in the crib or she will hurt Kenzie and I. She swings right at your face. She takes cups and throws them off the table. When I put her in the crib she only hurts herself- by thrashing her head against the rails. It is quite the scene.

I remember my mom saying that her 4 children were equivalent to 12 children...and now I am starting to understand what she meant. Church is a nightmare. Kenzie resists going to primary. She cries and cries. Julia got kicked out of nursery last Sunday for the second time. Yes kicked out. The leaders came and gave her to me saying she won't stop crying. After 15 minutes of screaming they couldn't handle it anymore. I don't blame them.

I don't think I am cut out for this.

Anyway so nursing my babies is a beautiful way of connecting and pushing aside all the hard parts of mothering. A "love conquers all" type moment. That is why it hurts to quit.

The rocking chair- which is a piece of crap- practically falling apart- is so sentimental to me. I rocked Kenzie to sleep her first 2 years of life. We had a lot of precious times, songs, stories, conversations in that chair. Julia I didn't rock so much in the chair only because of course she didn't like it. But I learned to nurse her on that chair. Yes, I have had to learn to nurse each of my babies- my first 2-4 weeks of nursing is an absolute hell- but there have been many times that I have held Julia for a good 2-4 minutes on that chair without her freaking out and I think I have read through maybe 2 books with her on that chair- she normally rips the book up or throws it down out of boredom. Nonetheless the chair means a lot to me. Moved it out last night- it just gobbles up so much space in their little room. weep weep.

I really love my children. I feel a lot of guilt most of the time but I just adore their littleness and who they are. Sometimes I feel like I am sucking out their potential and hindering what "might have been" if they were in a different home- with a different mom.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser when I read other mom's blogs. I have been tempted to stop blogging and stop reading other blogs because I just get so wrapped up in what other mom's are doing and what I'm not doing.

Last night I had a breakdown- I was feeling the weight of everything I am supposed to be. I am surrounded by women who are so confident and can handle so much. I suck at being a homemaker. No, I really do. I try. I try all the time- but it does not come natural for me. But I feel so much pressure to be this super woman. I was venting on Chay about all the things I feel responsible for and it opened his eyes I think...

Sometimes I think this is all a big freaking joke. A mean joke. "Let's see how inadequate we can make April feel."

oh, this is totally not mom blog worthy. I am breaking all the rules. Maybe I should leave a quote about being optimistic or something.

How's this:

Being passionate really blows my life out of proportion. I feel every little thing. Sadness, guilt, happiness, sorry, peace -Mom used to always tell me that "much heartache comes to those who feel too much"... maybe I need to relax. Maybe I need prozac.

Friday, March 20, 2009


There is something in the air. I can just feel it. Maybe I am just starting to pay more attention. I'm not sure. But people are starting to talk more about the country and its destination. And it is exciting. Not exciting that the country's government is going to pot, but that people are starting to wake up and are actually talking about it.

Talk about something in the air- we went to the Air Force Base Museum that is near my house this past weekend. It was packed. People everywhere. I was surprised. Who goes to an Air Force museum for fun... in March?

Look at Ju Ju just staring at that huge aircraft. Holy smokes that plane was huge.

I love museums. I just do. Anything factual, historical...I'm a sucker for- but when it has anything to do with military or with the United States of America- I really like it- and I get emotional- of course.

So the Air force Museum.

We were walking through this gallery of uniforms that Air force soldiers have worn throughout the years. Without really explaining to Kenzie where we were or what we were doing, she just started to ramble off the Pledge of Allegiance. It made me smile to know she clued in on the flags that were on the uniforms. But what made me really smile was this 6'5 huge muscular man with a very short hair cut who was standing right next to us. He was definitely a soldier. He overheard Kenzie's cute attempt at the Pledge of Allegiance and he looked right at me and said very excitedly, "that is so awesome" He looked then right at Kenzie with such admiration and looked at me again for a quick second. We connected. No more words were needed. We both knew we were passionate for our country. His look to me was a thank you for raising children to love this country...and my look to him was a thank you for protecting my family and my country which we both love so much.

Priceless moment. I walked away with the big pounding of the heart- and a little tear.

So- how are you going to fight for your freedoms? Um...start with the family. Well get educated first...with the family. "let's go to the library" Read EVERYTHING. Talk about your concerns first in your home, then with friends, then with strangers at the gym or wherever, and with co-workers, go to Tea Parties (they are being held all over the country) oh not tea parties where you drink tea- the Tea Parties being organized by groups who are fed up with government, write your congress leaders, be affluent in American History...and Pray. Pray...this is God's chosen land. He will listen. oh...and the majority of my friends think I'm a nut job. Some people label me with being all wrapped up in the flag. That is ok. I actually don't even own a flag. Isn't that weird? I want to get one though. I am stereotyped not as a normal citizen should be- but as someone overly involved with current events and politics. Just because I know who Timothy Geitner is? Come on.

But anyway- one day I believe we will thank all those who are standing up right now, today, for our rights and liberties. One day.

oh and here is a cute video. Kenzie has no idea what she is saying. But the soldier at the air force base did. Love this.

read what Joette has to say about ChayMAN

ok one nice thing about marrying Chay is that my family absolutely loves him. He isn't just the "brother-in-law" He is a real good friend to my sibblings and to my dad. Mom loved him too. She knew I was going to marry him before I did.

Read Joette's blog and read her birthday tribute to Chay.

Thanks Joette.

for the record, it's "Chay"

Chay with a "CH"

Like church, choo choo train, challenge, charge, Chia pet "cha cha cha chia"

For some reason, many like to call Chay "Shay".

He is too nice to correct them. In fact sometimes he just calls himself "Shay" so there doesn't have to be a drawn out explanation or conversation about his name.

For example: When I first met Chay. I met him in Portuguese Literature Class in college

April: "Oh by the way, what's your name again?"
Chay: "It's Chay"
April: "Chay? Like Chay?"
Chay: "Yes, like Chay."
April: "Really? Well that's a cool name. I've never met a Chay before"
Chay: "well now you have"
April: "Where did that name come from?"
(here goes the explaining)
Chay: "It's Navajo- it means "friend"."
April: "Oh my gosh, that's cool, it means "friend?" Are you a good friend then?"
Chay: "it's actually slang for "friend"- the real translation for "Chay" is "Grandpa" in Navajo".
April: "oh...Grandpa?"
April: "Are you an Indian?"
Chay: "no, I'm not an Indian. My Dad served a mission on a Navajo Indian Reservation"
April: "ok, well that's cool. so Chay, if you borrow my Portuguese book, when will I get it back?"

Today Chay is 28.

When I first met Chay he was this simple respectful put together kind of guy. He didn't start coming to class with a bedhead until maybe 3-4 weeks into the semester. But still- it didn't really bother me- nor did his red hooded sweatshirt that he wore I think every single day of his life for that first semester.

I didn't fall for Chay right away. But I knew right away I liked to be around him.

One day I came to class with a "moral reasoning quiz". It was a quiz given to me by my psychology teacher. I was supposed to go around and ask random people to take the quiz and then with the results of their answers, give them their score on how high they reason morally. make sense?

Well of course I was intrigued with this and so I took the quiz to my Portuguese class which so happened to be chuck full of boys. I was the only girl. I whipped out the quiz and started asking the boys sitting around me. Chay was one of the boys.

I can't really remember all of the questions on the quiz but I remember one specifically and how Chay answered differently than the others. I barely knew Chay at the time.

"Why do you keep the honor code?" (ok first of all, BYU-Idaho has an honor code. A ton of things contribute to the honor code, but it is mainly a set of guidelines to help the students stay out of temptation and to help promote the Spirit to stay present in the student's lives as much as possible. So the code contains things such as: inside your apartment by 12:00 AM, no boys in the apartments after 11:00 PM, no boys in the bedrooms, no girls in the bedrooms, and so forth

so I ask the boys, "Why do you keep the honor code?"

Boy #1 "Because my girlfriend does" -low points on the moral scale
Boy #2 "Because I don't want to get in trouble" not so many points here either
Boy #3 "What is the honor code?" disqualified
Boy #4 "I don't keep the honor code- that is so lame" um...ok is there a box to check for 0 points?
Boy #5- who happens to be Chay Clark "it's the right thing to do- why would we even have the honor code if it wasn't a good thing?" What? Who in the heck are you?

So you can see why I was so attracted Chay's personality right from the start. I knew from his answer on the "moral quiz" he was either trying to win me over or he was sincere- I think both.

Chay is full of integrity and honesty. He can't lie worth beans. He is full of a conscience that guards him from any ounce of disloyalty. I know Chay will always make good choices. It is such a relief that I only need to worry about myself and not him in this regard.

This is what I most appreciate about him today.

I love you Chay. Happy Birthday. Now you're only a year younger than me instead of two. I know how you love older women.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

the chaco chay dilema

If you haven't met Chacos yet...it is time.

My feet beg for them every day.

So we are hopefully at the tail end of a long and cold winter. So you would think I would rummage through the back of the closet to find my chacos...

well actually they never found their way to the back of the closet this winter...they have stayed nicely either on my feet or next to my bed.

I seriously can't live without these shoes. You know the feeling you get after you exercise or the feeling you get after a much needed shower? Kind of like the natural endorphin thing going on?

Well it is safe to say- when I put on my chacos, once my big toe gets under the loop and my heal settles into its resting place which is molded and formed from much usage-...um....the endorphins kick in. And I feel like I can do anything in the world.

LOL, this is making me laugh. Ok the shoes don't have magical powers. But close. Very close.

I won't clean my house without them on. I won't garden or go on walks without them. And they are named Chacos. Not shoes. When I wake up in the morning I call them by name. "Kenzie are you wearing my chacos again?...bring them here please."

So this winter my chacos were ever increasingly comfortable- despite the snow of course. (the more you wear them, the more comfortable they become). Although it is mostly joking around between Chay and I, it is fair to say my Chacos have caused a little disturbance in our marriage.

Chay, "You are not wearing those shoes. There is 2 feet of snow outside."
April, "Yes I am. My feet will only be cold for a minute or so"
Chay, "I hate those shoes"

Chay, "Why do your feet feel like sandpaper?"
April, "They are super dry"
Chay, "Do you think maybe it's because you wear those stupid sandals all year long?"
April, "yes maybe"

April, "My big toe has a crack and it hurts so bad."
Chay, "That is disgusting"
April, "Oh...come on, my feet are just a little dry"
Chay, "When you're not looking, I'm going to hide those shoes"

April, "I love you Chay"
Chay, "You love your shoes more than me"
April, "They're called Chacos...and don't be silly."
Chay, "I love you too."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

paddy's day

I'm actually not a big holiday person.

What is up with St. Patrick's day? Am I missing the boat here? I never thought it was that big of a deal. It seems like everyone I chat with has something to say about today being St. Patrick's day. So?

What is the history of this holiday anyway? Is it some pagan twisted tradition blown out of proportion?

ok I just googled it and so maybe it's a more important holiday than I thought...maybe even meaningful for some religions and cultures...sorry to those Irish Catholics out there and to those who have been looking forward all year to making green pancakes for breakfast today.

My poor children. They live in a St. Patrick's day deprived home. How will they ever come out of their childhood normal?

If you want to see an amazing mom in action you must visit
Tami's blog and see...how amazing she is as a mommy. She has done something exciting for her kids every day this month in celebration of St. Paddy's Day. She has called it "Lucky You" month...and you know, her kids are pretty dang lucky. My girls are lucky to know what day of the week it is, let alone celebrate St. Patrick's day...

So I hope you all have a very lucky day today and we will see if I somehow attempt to make this day more meaningful for my girls next year.

I did make guacamole today. Does that count?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

daddy's visit

Dad came to visit for 9 days.

It was kind of weird having Dad around for so long with no sign of Mom being anywhere. She really is dead isn't she? It is definitely a whole new chapter of life. With Mom gone, everything is taken and lived through a whole new perspective.

I miss you Mom. I miss you even more when Dad is around.

It is easy for me to just sort of shut off that whole home+mom+dad part of my life- being that I live so far away. But when I sit and talk to Dad and we discuss the world's problems, or talk about recipes (yes recipes), or go on a drive somewhere, or go for a walk,- everything always comes back to Mom. Neither of us would be in each other's lives if it wasn't for her obviously- She was the creator that tied my life together to the people I call family. Tied us in the obvious ways like marriage and birth and tied us in ways like being the peacemaker, the spiritual guide, the listener, the gatherer, the nurturer, the cook, the reason-

The reason why we are an eternal family.

I love you Mom. I seriously can't wait to see you again. Heaven has suddenly become more real to me. I think of it often and what if must be like. I know you're there Mom...and our whole purpose here on earth makes more sense now- me being here, you being there- the plan, happiness, sorrow, covenants, death, birth- this is the real deal. This is the real deal...now why I am wasting so much time?

Losing you has been so hard. I miss our friendship, the talks, the comfortable silent car rides, your teaching skills, your craft, your laugh. But somehow I find strength to be a better person. Well, actually I am kind of depressed at times and feel completely out of whack since you died, but still, I feel an underlining strength somewhere inside- and I will figure it out somehow. I trust this is just a part of the growing and shaping I need to experience here on earth. Listen to what I am saying- oh my, I am starting to sound like you...well, this might all be worth it then.

Ok well, I didn't write about Daddy's visit at all did I? oops. I will tomorrow.

Friday, March 13, 2009


Last night I got 4 hours of sleep. I stayed up and watched a movie. "The Boy in the Striped Pajama Pants" A story about Nazi Germany and the Holocaust. Didn't really like it so much- the end left me just so depressed.

What a horrible mark in history.

But what I found highly interesting in the movie was the perspective of the story- the story was by surprise not seen from the Jew point of view but from a Nazi German family. If you are ever interested in what too much government can do to one's way of thinking and processing- you need to watch this movie. The German citizens were good people. They had families and hopes like everyone else- yet they were drowning in indoctrination and fear- to the point where they truly believed Hitler's regime was sensible and needed for their country. So interesting. I kept saying throughout the movie, "Would I be sucked into this?" "Would I be clueless and heartless if I lived in Germany back then?" I hope I wouldn't be. I hope I would be the "Sound of Music" family that "climbed every mountain" to hide from and not conform to evil.

fight for freedom friday

I am excited about the whole "We Surround Them" thing going on today on Fox News at 5pm Eastern time on the Glenn Beck program. Please watch it. Just see what it is all about. There is a movement going on that is...so needed. Finally a silent majority has had enough. I wish it wouldn't have to be lead by Glenn Beck to be honest- I fear many will just take this as a Glenn Beck thing and not an American thing.- and it will instantly get smashed and discredited as some "Obama hater right wing freak movement". And it's not. But realistically our voices are not heard on the other news stations and for those who sincerely take the time to listen to those/us who are concerned about this great nation, know we are everything but what we're stereotyped to be- well, I'm sure there are Obama hater right wing freaks out there- but for the most part, we just want our Country back- and we need to join together and notice how out of control things have become.

I guess I'm one of those who cling to my bible and my guns. Oh well. I relish in common sense and simplicity.

I believe in hard work, self reliance, little government (and the scares of unrighteous dominion), liberty, capitalism in full force- I believe in the Individual, trickle down economics- I believe in family. I believe ethics and morals come before research. I believe failure makes us stronger as a nation and as a person. I believe companies and markets should suffer the true consequences they deserve instead of being bailed out. I believe restrictions and too much government control will hinder the human potential process...it hindered it for thousands of years- The United States of America was the first nation on earth to inherit true freedom- and look what happened in the short time of 200+ years. We went from tilling our land behind a horse to walking on the moon.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

quem vai ler comigo?

So the online book club starts today.

I really like to read books. The dresser next to my bed has about 6 books stacked up-I have reading A.D.D. and so I like to jump around depending on my mood- read something positive here, read a little realism there, something spiritual here, something funny there...so I can get all doses of life's twists and excitements all within the week.

One thing about reading: I just think the brain, soul, and heart are better at retrieving information and judging it better when you're alone with paper and words. No sounds, no flashes, no beautiful spokesperson, no commercial breaks- plus you have time to put the book down and actually think without a celebrity endorsing an idea. You can also get out a pen or pencil and write your own thoughts or underline that one sentence that seemed to jump out to you...oh and the whole Still Small Voice business? Oh clear as day. Quiet, peaceful, words, slow, all in your own world- so much easier to say when reading, "Nah I don't think this is true" or "Wow I need to study more about this before I agree" or "for some reason that just feels right" or "how can I not get myself into this type of situation?"

Reading is just great way to connect with the conscience.


Come read with us! These books won't let you down. Quite fascinating. The book club is called "seek out the best books" You can find the book club at http://seekoutthebestbooks.blogspot.com/

Monday, March 09, 2009

I prefer living room performances

I really don't know what I was thinking when I said yes to do a musical number for ward conference. I really don't know what I was thinking when I got the idea that I would sing while playing the piano. I have never done that in my life before...well not publicly. I have done many live concerts before...in my living room that is...and I'm the only one listening. Or I sneak down to the church and play on the grand piano- during college I would often go the music building at night and find open doors to concert halls...oh it was just lovely. Tall rooms with stadium seating to the ceiling it seemed and a grand piano that was 100 ft long...ok it wasn't 100 feet long but you get the picture...anyway

the point I am making is that I really love to perform...by myself that is. I am my greatest audience.

Growing up Joette and I would place the vacuum in the middle of the living room and we would pretend it was a microphone. Of course we imagined to be on a stage singing to a crowd of 50,000 plus but realistically we were just staring at an empty sofa.

So...yesterday was just nerve racking. I create all this confidence when I practice by myself. I play extraordinarily well and sing exactly how I want to sound...but the minute I am under pressure from a huge congregation with the whole stake presidency 2 feet away from my face...oh brother. My hands start to shake and I hear the little voice in my head, "What on earth are you doing April?"

From the compliments afterwards I guess I did better than I thought. They seemed sincere for the most part. Our neighbor came up to me and said the song I sang reminds her of the baby girl she lost to SIDS many years ago. With tears in her eyes, I knew deep inside I could have royally screwed up the song and it wouldn't have mattered because regardless, she would have felt the closeness of her little baby. That made it all worth it. A very close friend of mine said, "when you sing, you sing with the spirit-I just want to cry when you sing"- so again- maybe it's not that important to have a flawless performance...maybe there is something bigger and better...yes there is.

I sang a rendition with my own twist added here and there of "Nearer my God to Thee"...and I pray the first thought to pop into your head when you think of that song is not Leonardo DeCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic. "Jack!"

I still don't know why Rose couldn't move over and share that huge floating door with Jack.

Anyway- music is my friend. I'm not trained...nor professional by any any any means...but creating music or playing certain types of music- it somehow knows how to dig out all the feelings I don't know how to express verbally. It is really quite unexplainable. And I somehow feel this connection with something...not of this world-maybe heavenly?... a glimpse of our real home?...a reunion?...see, I can't explain it very well...hence; unexplainable.

Friday, March 06, 2009


fight for freedom friday

I really don't know what to say today. I've been on the computer too much lately- so for personal freedom, I am breaking away from this machine for a couple days. I felt impressed to just kind of step back...and breathe. Plus I bought a whole slew of children's books at the thrift store last night...so the girls and I should have fun with that...until Ju Ju rips a page out or two of course.

This past weekend I got myself into a premature heated argument with someone I know pretty well. And before it turned ugly I just stepped back and remembered, 'the relationship with this person is more important.'

But we somehow got into the topic of government and politics...and this person was so wrapped up in political parties- you know, complete hatred for one party and a 'slobbering love affair' for the other, that she was completely impossible to talk straight with. She couldn't grasp the concept that I wasn't supporting one party. I told her it is about right or wrong, freedom or bondage, not about left or right.

However once she said, "What is so wrong with socialism anyway? England and Canada are great places to live" I had to stop all efforts. She was beyond repair. Even the truest form of liberty couldn't heal her misunderstandings. This is when you just love these people for their incredible homemade bread or their great personality or whatever- and move on- you must leave those who don't care alone. Just leave them alone. Move on...next please?

fighting with someone is just useless...

Anyone else ever have a similar situation?

George Washington was the only president of the United States to not represent a party. He stated the following words of caution regarding parties in his farewell speech on September 26, 1796:

(on political parties) "It serves to distract the Public Councils, and enfeeble the Public Administration....agitates the Community with ill-founded jealousies and false alarms; kindles the animosity of one....against another....it opens the door to foreign influence and corruption...thus the policy and the will of one country are subjected to the policy and will of another."

Thursday, March 05, 2009


Did you get to watch the video on my last post? Holy Smokes that was made for me.

Just for me.

Ok so I grabbed some favorite lines from the talk. I just want to photoshop (I don't have photoshop) but I just want to photoshop these words and plaster them all over my house. I don't think I would forget how important I am, how important everyone is, if I read this talk every day.

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before."

"You might say, “I’m not the creative type....If that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative Being in the universe. Isn’t it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate God? Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination."

"Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."

"As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."~ Elder Dieter Uchtdorf

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

my gift today

so I've been sort of a lame blogger lately. Well- actually I have been blogging...just not on this blog. Take a look. Just click on one of the images below. We are starting an online book club which I am so excited about! I've been designing and "HTML"ing...and learning a lot...and yes I know...I can't get away from black. There is just something about black...makes everything pop.

Join the book club. It will be very enlightening to say the least!

ok, now what I really want to share today:

This was my gift today. I have watched it several times with tears flowing. When I first heard these words 4 months ago, I was leaving the next day to go home to say goodbye to my dear Mommy. I remember the feeling I had when I heard this talk. HOPE. This video is powerful. I know Elder Uchtdorf is called of God.

this video is going on my side bar...oh thank you. Thank you! I needed this today.