Friday, October 27, 2006

little jo

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

humbled at hardware store

Saturday night in the sandpaper aisle next to the paint thinner is where I must have left my diaper bag with my wallet inside it. Holding little Mckenzie in one arm and sandpaper in the other (which I didn't end up buying), my diaper bag must have been distracting or obviously not wanted around my shoulder at the moment. Awkwardly it wasn't on top of my priority list that night and never did return to my list until early Sunday morning.

retraced steps

prayed, prayed, prayed

3 visits to Ace Hardware

I Felt inspired to make one more visit to Ace (they were much annoyed with this desperate lady with a child on her hip who was in search of an old diaper bag she got free from the hospital when she gave birth) I convinced the now familiar cashier to look one more time. With hesitation of course she looked in a cupboard and there it was!

prayers answered

humbled at hardware store

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Just when I think I am doing ok and feel somewhat surprised at my strength,

I crumble.

I go about doing what I normally do each day feeling alright and wonder if I am just numb to reality. Then bedtime comes and the apartment gets quiet. I can then feel myself facing the decision to either become difficult to get along with or to cry. It is hardly ever the latter. After a few days of this unhealthy routine I give up and allow myself to feel sadness. I don't know how to do this.
Her cancer has returned and it has mastisized--Her oncologist told her today she had 6 months to a year. Hope or denial, either way, I still believe in miracles.
Pray for mom.

Monday, October 23, 2006

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the nights of kenzie


The title you wonder? Well let's just say I found a new side of me the last couple of nights at 3 am. I have a child- a daughter of 10 months. A slight grin I'm sure on the face of any mother who is reading this.

During the day I function great with Pat-a-Cakes and bananas smeared into the wall. I actually laugh at cute moments and enjoy story time. Yet when Kenzie's crying wakes me up at 1 am then 3 am then 5 am, my dark side comes out of the most hidden places and begins to surface and suddenly I just want to punch a hole through the wall. Who am I? Who in the heck am I?

The nights of Kenzie have forced me to explore hidden energy that scares my husband to death. Ok, so given the opportunity to express this in writing has lead to some exaggeration I believe- but I honestly think my husband would support the contrary. I distinctively remember his early morning words, "Who are you and what did you do with my wife?"

In summary, I feel there is room to grow and there is room to explore why I react the way I do in certain situations; being tired, hungry, irritated or not. Sleep deprivation however confirms the doctrine of the proximity of the body and spirit here on earth and if one part isn't properly treated the other suffers.

So I begin this blog in hopes of a small therapeutic release- and also because I think it is just plain fun to have a blog and allow others who know me to read up on what's going on in my life. I write about my night episodes with Mckenzie mainly because it's on my mind --that and my lost diaper bag and wallet wherever they may be...