Monday, May 01, 2017

April 21-23rd 2017

I was thinking about this weekend and how I grateful for the life I have.

Thursday night Mckenzie had a soccer game at the beautiful Mt. Ogden Park. I am in love with this place. It sits right at the bottom of the mountains. It was cold so we attempted to watch the game inside the van. It was just me and the rest of the kids, so my patience was getting thin as everyone was climbing all over the car and being "kids" argumentative, hyper, curious, talkative. So out of the van we went. Despite the cold we enjoyed it very much. There are quite a few trees along the edge of the park that have low thick branches which make them a target for climbing kids. The rain clouds were indecisive so we would get a few sprinkles here and there and unexpected breakthroughs of warm sunlight. Julia knew right away what light and rain make- and we looked for her rainbow. And we found it- right up against the near mountain. It really was so magical. Alice was unsure as usual and so we had to go above and beyond to entertain her before she went into meltdown mode. I put her on my shoulders, swung her around, played peekaboo- all while Kenzie is playing. She scored a couple goals. She is so fast and aggressive. She keeps improving and is the highest scoring forward on her team. Sam made friends with one of the trees. He was talking up a storm with this tree. He has a huge imagination. He is known to leave the family and do his own thing. Julia practiced cartwheels. Xander climbed a big tree. I'm telling you- it was a great moment. These children of mine make me feel so alive and free.

Friday started out with the dreadful spelling bee. I keep telling my children that if they qualify for the spelling bee again, they will be grounded, and yet at least one of my children qualify every year. As much as I am a supporter of working hard and education, I loathe spelling bees. They just don't do it for me. The stress and the tears from every single contestant besides the winner is enough. Plus, we are all aware that intelligence does not lie in your ability to spell well, or memorize well.

Luckily Kenzie got out on her second round which of course caused some tears but after it fizzled out we were able to put that all behind us and enjoy the rest of the day. I know it was hard for her as it is for all the rest of the children who get out on spelling bees. I was kind and encouraging for the first hour and then I told her she needed to get over it. ha ha. Her past few weeks have been quite successful with her award from the newschannel, science fair, piano recital, soccer. The spelling bee just wasn't a priority and that is okay!

Saturday we woke up to beautiful sunshine. I was so happy to just be outside. I was motivated to get a million things done which never happens, but it's nice to dream. I took the girls down to the church to sew dolls with hospital gowns to give to children at the hospital when they have surgery. I got out my sewing machine which has been collecting dust in my basement for a few years and went to the church. I am not a master seamstress. I can sew a straight line- but I went so my girls can see Relief Society in action. I was there for the experience. The story of my life. It's all about the experience. It was fun to talk to other ladies in the ward.

Julia has been a little sad lately. She has a sister who loves to do everything and happens to be good at what she does. Julia isn't quite sure what she loves to do and is confused at what her "thing" might be. I asked her the other day what she wanted to do with her life and I was kind of joking but her eyes filled up with tears. It broke my heart. Well, on the way to the church Julia just randomly said outloud "Your mom hugged me last night" It took me off guard. "What do you mean she hugged you?" She quietly said, "I was praying last night to Heavenly Father to know what I should do and that I was really sad and I felt a warm hug around me, and I knew it was your mom, Grandma." I didn't know what to say, but my eyes did all the speaking because I started to tear-up. She told me when we only had a minute or so in the car. After the sewing activity, Kenzie and I went to the soccer game. I was sitting there on the chair thinking about what Julia just shared with me earlier that morning and I decided to send a text and share with my siblings what Julia had told me and then "Smack!" Kenzie, who was sitting out the first quarter (because we were late) was kicking the ball around on the sidelines and accidently kicked the ball right in the side of my face. It hurt so bad! My ear and head were ringing and my eye started to gush water. Kenzie felt horrible and I was just trying to keep my composure- I failed. I totally cried. ugh. She then told me, "I can't play anymore, I am going to think about how I hurt you the whole time" so I had to give her a pep talk and told her not to worry about me. She ended up scoring 3 goals and they won 5-0.

But Julia's experience about my mom hit my heart so hard. It would not leave my mind all day. It was such a thing my mom would do too. I loved it on so many levels. She was praying, she felt comfort, my mom loves my kids, we are connected to our ancestors, there is more- so much more than what this life has to offer and Julia was able to tune into that. For just a quick little moment. Faith. Oh the power of Faith.

Came home from the soccer game to find Julia and Chay working on a motorcycle. Kids playing in the backyard. Kids laughing- chasing one another. Showing each other what cool trick they can do on the trampoline. Riding bikes up and down the driveway. It's moments like these that make my whole life make sense.

Chay and I went to get more bark for our front yard. I am so proud of our front yard. Since we bought the home we have slowly done so many improvements to the house and the front yard with the new shutters we cut, painted, and mounted and the curbing, plants, and bark and it looks so nice. Simple but nice. We worked for a couple hours putting bark down. Virginia came out to talk to us. I love her as our sweet neighbor. She hasn't aged since we moved here 10 years ago. Cynthia and her boys played with us and Cynthia helped us with the bark. Working outside and doing physical hard work is my favorite.

Sunday we survived church and the sun was warm. We knew rain was coming so we gathered every blanket in the house and put it on the trampoline. The kids' faces when they saw the blankets! oh my. We laid in the warm sun and giggled with blankets everywhere. Static hair and smiles. But it only lasted a little while until someone got hurt, crying, wrestling began. Alice was super hyper and giggling at everyone. Pick-a-boo makes her giggle. Her little 22 month old body, soft skin, missing teeth smile, her spunky personality. Oh it's dreamy. I will miss this age. I will. I can treasure it all I can while I have it- and move on. Growing up is a part of the plan and I can't dwell on it forever.

You know, you would think watching your kids grow up is hard- and it is, but when you pour your whole heart, guts, and glory into loving your children and trying to raise them right- there isn't a lot of room for major regret. Kenzie is now 11 and as sweet as can be, and is a rock in our family. How lucky the rest of my kids have her to look up to. Julia is right behind her. Stalwart, funny, deep thinker Julia. Mckenzie knew I wasn't feeling well and I was going through a rough patch- she asked Chay to take her to the store- and with her own money bought me a bouquet of flowers. It was so touching. Yes, they can get older and they should, so they can continue to touch the lives of everyone around them. Raise kids right, raise them good, love them, discipline them, spend ample amounts of time with them, teach them to put God first before themselves- and they will learn to take flight with a solid foundation and then they too can hopefully bless the next generation with goodness. I can't think of a more powerful way to leave your mark in this world than to raise good children. It is NOT easy. But the joy of the sacrifice is overwhelming at times. Overwhelmingly joy will catch me off guard at times and the Spirit testifies to me that despite the trials and doubts, I am doing exactly what the Lord wants me to be doing and with that comes the peace.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Clark Power

Found The Clark Theme Song! 

LOVE LOVE LOVE these lyrics. 


I'm not giving up today

There's nothing getting in my way

And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again
If something goes a little wrong
Well you can go ahead and bring it on
'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again.

We don't listen to the voices that say we don't have a choice. That is a lie. It may take time, prayer, "educating our desires", patience, GRATITUDE, and obedience- but we have the power to "get back up again". 

Mentally train your brain and heart to say "It will all work out" and "it's going to be okay" 


"If something goes wrong, well you can go ahead and bring it on!" no matter how hard and heart wrenching of a trial you might be going through. 

We don't have sad hard lives, we have sad bad moments. Just moments. Our weaknesses don't define us, they strengthen us. 

This too shall pass. 

Let us all press on. 

God has a plan for me. He wants me to grow and learn. I trust He knows exactly what He is doing with me. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Do your best

Sadly Bill Cosby ended up being so disappointing- but I love love this parenting clip from The Cosby Show. So true!! Makes me laugh every time. Do your best! Work hard! Expecting great things out of your kids is not cruel, it's called parenting.

Sunday, January 29, 2017


Dear Children,

I love your father so much. He is loyal, good, funny, caring, a hard worker, faithful, obedient, and kind. Yes he can raise his voice from time to time but hey, he at least has great expectations for his children! His love goes so deep. 

Your Dad cannot sit still and must be doing something at all times. He will watch a movie at night but if there is something that needs to be done, he will do it. He loves having productive days. 

Our friend and neighbor Sara Geary brought us over a dinner when I had my foot surgery and her glass 9X13 pan was heavily stained from a lot of cooking over the years. Dad cleaned the pan but couldn't get the grease and burn stains off of it. It bothered him that he couldn't get the pan perfectly clean. He scrubbed and scrubbed. I told him to not worry about it but before I knew it, he was on google trying to find out  how to get the burned stains off. He then went to the store and bought oven cleaner. He spent so much time on this pan!! LOL! and guess what! He got that pan sparkling crystal clean. It looked brand new. That is my ChayLove. How lucky for you to be raised in home by such an awesome father. He is an amazing example. I love him. 

Yours Truly, 


oh and here is a letter he snuck in my shoes. I get up at 5 am to exercise and I was surprised to see this when I woke up. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Monday, November 28, 2016

Winter 2015

It has been snowing so gloriously. The kids played in the snow yesterday. I was in a bad mood all morning but once we finally got all the kids dressed with their boots and their gloves- hats and coats zipped and we got outside- it was so therapeutic to be in the crisp air. I shoveled my driveway and Cynthia came over to help. Then we did hers. The kids made a snowman in Cynthia's backyard and then one in the front. Mckenzie was so proud of them. She is so kind and patient. She is 10 now. Sad sad. but she is such a young 10 so I will take it. She is free, kind, innocent, and loving. She did however get my wrath a little bit earlier that day because she forgot her snow boots at school for the entire Christmas break.  She is very forgetful and I need to just have more patience as she tries to get better at remembering things. Hopefully with time it will all come together. She just likes to have fun and play and so she forgets about everything else besides the very moment she is in. Truth be told, she is adorable and such an amazing daughter and sister. I have to pinch myself sometimes when I am with her, she is too good to be true. She will eventually start to remember things. She's amazing.

Back to the snow. It has been a huge blessing to see so much moisture. I kind of get emotional. We have been praying for snow. Utah is in a drought.

Gary our neighbor got the snowblower up and going and he was drenching the kids with snow. Julia loved and it laughed so hard. Pure happiness right there.

Julia's baptism and life in 2015

Alice is cute. She smiles often. She kind of does her own thing. I would call her independent I think. She rarely enjoys being held in but loves to be held out to look around. No, she isn't super cuddly. But she is so darling. Every now and then she will give me her version of love. She will coo and make cute noises as she sucks on my cheek. Chay has been enjoying her so much. I love playing with Alice and grabbing her chubby legs and doing everything I possibly can to get a giggle out of her. Lately she has been lying on her back playing with her toes. I am in heaven. I am living the dream. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, I have a wonderful husband and little children. I love that my house is filled with little noises, little feet, little giggles. Is it hard somedays? You better believe it. But I can't express enough how lucky I am. So blessed.

Samson fell asleep on my lap today during church. His mouth was open and he sort of snored with his deep breaths. I cherished it to be honest. Right now in his life he loves his pirate ship Bucky. He also holds a little stuffed cat named Leona.

I know these days will pass before I know it. I want my children to know, that even though there have been hard days, I never wanted it to go fast. I never wished away their childhood so I could do something for myself. I know right now that I am doing the most important most fulfilling thing I could possibly do with my life. I am not perfect at it and I wish I could enjoy keeping the house clean but I love my children and I love spending time with them.

Xander and I went for a walk one snowy morning when everyone was asleep. It was really quiet outside. We had a heavy bag of clothes to give to our neighbor friend, Maria. It was just one of those moments that I don't want to forget. That is why I am writing it down. Hand in hand we walked as we talked.

Whenever I drop Xander off at Bravo for Kindergarten he says goodbye and I love you over and over again. We keep saying it to each other until I am no longer in his eyesight. It makes my heart skip a beat every single day. "I love you Mommy! I love you. Goodbye. Bye Mom. I love you Mommy." "I love you too Xander. I will see you real soon. Bye. I love you."  Oh my sweet Xander. His Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Hansen adores him too. Xander is mild tempered and quiet. He likes to help out and clean the classroom so he quickly caught the love of his teacher. He is coming home almost daily with prizes for good choices. Helping clean up when no one else was listening, for being kind and respectful. He has a huge heart for a 5 year old. He makes me so proud.

What I want to write about: Julia's baptism, Christmas

Julia turned 8 this year right after Alice was born. She is spunky, witty, smart. She is brutally honest at times and I'm trying to teach her some tact but she is seriously so fun to be around. I love the way she thinks. Her birthday was sort of a blur because I was trying to recuperate after Alice's birth. Her baptism was special and simple. She was so excited. What I remember the most was how Kenzie kept her arm around her when they sat in the chapel before the baptism. Kenzie was her cheerleader. I remember how organized Julia was and how she made sure she packed everything she needed without my help. She was beaming all over the place. She knew in her heart that she was doing the right thing. I remember Chay getting emotional when he was blessing her and giving her the gift of the Holy Ghost. After the baptism we blessed Alice. It was a memorable mom day to see her children basked in so much goodness, righteousness, and light. I live such a beautiful meaningful life. I love you Julia Kaye. You're so observative. Your soft ivory skin and thick dark dark hair.

Julia loves the snow! We want to get her into snowboarding. She will come home from school and we will all run into the home to get warm and she will stay outside and walk through the front and backyard playing around in the snow. Julia loves to play. She is eight but still loves toys 3 and 4 year olds play with. She has a wild imagination and can play by herself with her legos or with for hours with Xander.

The other day the 3 of them Kenzie, Julia, and Xander were making up some story and they just talked about this story and what was happening and what each character did. They wouldn't stop talking about it and they were laughing when someone changed the story line or came up with a problem that needed to be solved. They were so invested in this type of imaginary play that Chay and I couldn't get them to be quiet. They talked the entire time during dinner. Chay and I said to each other that we could leave the house for an hour and they wouldn't even notice.

We have now lived in our little home for 9 years. We call it the Clark Cottage sometimes. We thought we wouldn't live here long when we first bought it but it quickly became home. Chay only made $14 dollars an hour when we first moved here and I didn't work because I was a mother. We now love our neighborhood and our little house payment. I know we could afford a bigger home but we are at a weird crossroad in our lives. Chay's next step in his career could take us anywhere and so we don't want to buy yet because we don't know where we're going!  We thought we were going to Idaho Falls last year but as a final candidate, the hospital decided to go with someone else for the director position. The guy was 20 years older than Chay. Then again another opportunity in Bountiful. Chay had all the powerful references, the experience, the know-how, the great interview- and they decided not to hire Chay. It was a slap in the face but we somehow knew that if something that should have been 100% his but he still didn't get it, it must mean we weren't supposed to be at that hospital. Where do we belong?? Where is the Clark Family supposed to settle? Where is that perfect job for Chay?? Is it here in Utah?? We question yet we trust God is and will always take care of us. I really wish I could live closer to my family. And this cute little house really drives me crazy some days. It is small and we are getting tight. It still needs a lot of work. I'm not too excited about the area and Kenzie and Julia growing up in a ward that doesn't have a strong youth program. I also want my kids to have best friends and a strong church unity and my kids don't have any close friends yet. Where are we supposed to go?? I will tell you, I love love my neighbor and friend, Cynthia. She will be the hardest to leave. I thank Heavenly Father often for her. I came to this place to meet her.

With God anything is possible. He takes any situation and circumstance and makes it meaningful and purposeful- we just have to have enough faith to see what He has planned for us.

Alice was blessed on the same day as Julia's baptism. Grateful Chay was able to administer to them both. Oh the love I have for my dear family- my children. Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me this life and for trusting me with these beautiful souls.

( Shortly after this post was written Chay was asked by our Stake President to be the bishop of our ward. This is why Chay couldn't get the jobs he was qualified for and why we couldn't figure out if we should move or not. After 6 months of being Bishop, Chay was offered the HR director job at Ogden Regional- the hospital only 3 minutes from our house. The Lord is knew exactly what He was doing with us. )

January-Feb 2016

Okay so Alice has the biggest warmest smile on the planet. We love love love her. She is starting to get curious with her hands and rolling over on her stomach. She is beautiful and we are all so in love with her. Xander is smitten by her and treats her with love and lots of kisses.

We have been getting so much snow this winter!! such a blessing to dry drought stricken Utah. Julia and I went on our own Sunday walk this morning just the two of us. She loves snow. We put on our snow boots and together we walked NOT on the shoveled sidewalks but on the high banks of snow piles created by snowblowers and shovelers. It was such a workout. It was so fun. Then we walked to the grassy hill that isn't so grassy. At least 2-3 feet of snow. We played tag in the tennis courts. Julia leaped over the tennis net and then fell right into the snow. She was freezing but laughing. I then put her hands into my coat sleeves to warm her up and we giggled most of the way home. It was perfect. I felt like a kid again- playing in the snow with her. A memory I don't want to forget.

Xander and I made muffins together yesterday. We wanted to surprise the girls with an afternoon snack. He also had a substitute the other day for Bravo Kindergarten. As I picked up Xander from the classroom, the substitute pulled me aside and told me that Xander is the kindest most sweetest boy. She said the kids were extra rowdy and naughty today because she wasn't their real teacher but Xander was obedient and quiet the entire time. The next day Xander's real teacher said that the substitute even wrote in her text how wonderful Xander was.

Kenzie taught Family Home Evening. She read the scripture in Romans 8:16  "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:" Then we talked about being daughters and sons of a Heavenly King. She had us all make crowns and then it just got funny. Mine turned out really weird and they were making jokes about it looking like Ramsey's hat on Prince of Egypt and I know- I know that reading this- it doesn't appear to be funny but it just was during the moment and everyone was laughing pretty hard. Kenzie also made baby Alice a crown and of course Chancho. Family is great. 

Chay and Kenzie have had the opportunity to spend some one on one time together these last couple months and it makes me so happy- and it makes Kenzie even happier. He took her ice skating- just the two of them. She loved loved it and still after several weeks later- is still talking about it. Chay also took her to Burley just the two of them to visit Grandpa Clark. She got to ride in Chay's truck. I wasn't there so maybe Chay should write about it, but I know it meant a lot to Mckenzie. 

I went to the school's art Festival on Friday. I don't know if I have something maybe wrong with me- but I swear my kids are nothing but perfect. Even with all their apparent weaknesses and insecurities, they are just the best. Julia was dressed as Elenore Rosevelt for her class presentation. She wore a fur coat and hat. She was excited the morning of- I put her hair in a bun and let her borrow some of my pearl necklaces. Kenzie and Julia sang so well with the choir. Kenzie is so happy and confident. She sings with a smile on her face. Julia, I can tell really loved the songs she was singing but was a little shy. Plus her fur scarf kept falling off. The art presentation was amazing- of course my girls had amazing art pieces. They both love to draw so much. I don't know why? I think it's because I have always had art supplies readily available. Always tin cans full of pencils, color crayons, paper, scissors- Kenzie and Julia are in art at Bravo. I know they both love it. 

Summer 2016

Last night Mckenzie, Xander, and I laid out in the back of Dad's truck while everyone else slept. It was close to 11 o'clock. It was the perfect night. The air was cool which is a little rare for Utah- it was all a little nostalgic to be honest. Laying under the stars on a summer night- reminded me of when I was younger and didn't have so much to worry about. Xander asked me if I have ever seen a shooting star before. "Yes! Many times!" I realized it has been awhile since I have actually star gazed. As a child we would sleep out on the trampoline with friends and watch the night sky as we talked- or at girls camp we would lay out on the beach and watch for shooting stars. I need to take Xander somewhere far from the city so he can see more stars. I downloaded the coolest app so we could point to the stars and see what their names were. We found Mars and Saturn too. Mckenzie and Xander were so excited. Perfect.

Summer 2016 has been absolutely wonderful so far. I love love having my kids home.

 Jumping on the trampoline with a sprinkler, popsicles, swimming, late nights riding bikes, playing basketball on the street, 4 wheel rides, Lagoon, Day Camp at camp Kiesel- everyday is exciting for my kids and that is why they are so enjoyable. They really do find joy in simple things and I'm so grateful for that. The Air show from the Air Force base was going on yesterday. I know we should have gone maybe but since we only live a few miles from the base, we were able to see quite a bit from our home. The kids didn't complain. Chay made a make-shift shade tent out of a tarp. We looked so ghetto- but the kids all watched the planes and ate their 102 popsicles.

The kids did swimming lessons and they loved them. Everyone but Samson and Alice of course. I take them to a beautiful pool downtown Ogden- it's close to the mountains. They have really improved with swimming. Julia even placed in her heat during the competition races. It was so exciting to see her swim. I mean really swim! Julia is turning into a brown beauty with her endless tan olive skin. Mckenzie and Xander are splashed with freckles and sunburn. But they are all adorable to me and have summer written all over them- late nights, messy hair, sandals, happy.

We have been potty training Samson this week. Sort of a nightmare sort of okay. He is pooping 65% of the time in the toilet. He still poops in his underwear sometimes which is the grossest thing on earth. Sometimes he tries to go to the toilet but doesn't make it. I of course show frustration and sometimes even yell. Sammy just looks at me and says "I'm sorry mommy and he starts to cry" It is so heartbreaking and I give him a big hug and say I'm sorry. Hopefully he will catch on. He seems to be taking longer than the other 3. Mckenzie has been the best helper with Sam. She has encouraged him to go in the toilet and she loves helping him. She really has a gift of helping others. She enjoys it. She could be a teacher or a nurse easily. Hopefully she is a mother first, of course. Sam is beyond adorable and he is full of words now. He talks and talks and with his sweet tiny voice- it is the best thing to hear. Sometimes I just place those perfect cheeks in my hand and just beg for the memory of him as a three year old to be embedded in my mind and heart forever.

I don't know how things will work but sometimes I hope we will have perfect memory of our children when they were little when we're in heaven. Doesn't that sound wonderful?

Although change of subject sort of- we did take Samson's tonsils out about a month ago and that was a living hell for about 8 days. He was MISERABLE. I lost it a few times because he refused to take the pain medicine because it hurt him to swallow it- but once the medicine was inside him, he felt better. Oh it was horrible. He cried many tears, couldn't sleep, and he hardly ate or drank anything. Luckily that is all gone and away and we made it through. The Clarks can make it through anything- with the Lord on our side, we are resilient and hopeful. Easier to say once it's over, but I'm practicing when I'm in the thick of it. I can take tonsil pain over other types of pain any day.

Chay has the kids tonight. He took them to the drive-in theatre to watch a movie. Alice would have cried the whole time, so I stayed home. I know they are so excited and happy right now. They love being in the back of Dad's truck and being with Daddy. Summer really is magical.

Today Julia had 3 cavities filled. Just her and I went to the dentist. I love being with her. She is so easy to talk to. She is real. funny. witty. smart. logical. but she is not relaxed when it comes to anything to do with change. She was starting to freak out about the dentist but I know she was loving alone time with me. I kept teasing her not to worry, the needle was only a foot long. It made her laugh. Julia acts grown up but she is still 8. Loves toys and loves to pretend still. She will love toys forever. She loves stuff. I bought her a shake afterwards for her numb mouth. Came home and Kenzie and Xander were cleaning the whole house. The kitchen was spotless. I asked where Sam was and Kenzie had put him to sleep!! Yes!! Clark Power! She helped him go potty, fed everyone, and took cake of Alice. Dang!! I love that!

He will take care of us

I live a beautiful life. I really do. It kind of makes my heart swell when I think about it. I feel so incredibly blessed.

This happiness I feel is so different. It is peaceful and protected. 

Can I say that it comes from sacrificing and putting the Lord first? Yes. Clearly. It is because of Him. All because of Him. 

Santa Christmas 2016

It is 3 AM and my little Ju Ju is sound asleep next to me with her soft pink blanket wrapped around her. Ever since she was a baby, she has slept with a silky blankie.

Last night was one the hardest mother nights I've had in a long time. We were getting out all the Christmas decorations and she found the letter she wrote to Santa last year on Christmas Eve. She stared at it for a long time and then said "This looks just like Dad's handwriting" I tried to ignore her but she kept asking about it over and over again. She was really concerned. I just said, "Hey, let's be quiet now, let's keep the magic of Christmas alive for the younger ones." I regret saying that a 100 times over.

Tears welled up and she walked around the house. She came up to me and asked if Santa was Dad. Xander was in the room and I just gave her a hug. All I said was, "Oh Ju Ju, I love you" Huge tears came to her eyes and she said in the sweetest most concerned voice "Don't tell me, don't tell me, I don't want to know, please tell he is real, Santa is real, I know it." And she began to cry really hard. So obviously I couldn't hold the emotion in. I felt like the magic of childhood was suddenly robbed from my little girl.

I have been crying off and on all night. It was the most heart wrenching experience. Julia continued to cry off and on the rest of the night- a soft cry with silent tears. She was heartbroken and so was I. I kept hugging her over and over again and told her, "In this house, no matter what, we believe in Santa." It helped her but we both knew it was over.

I never expected it to be so dramatic. Kenzie who is almost 11 has decided to keep it magical. She told me last year, "Mom, I don't want to stop believing in Santa, because when I do, the magic ends." And so Kenzie has made a decision to not dwell on it and has become almost oblivious to even the thought of him not being real.

Julia is very different. She is a deep thinker. Her world of faith in Santa just flipped upside down and it crushed her. Yet Julia is still very young at heart. She loves to imagine, pretend. She loves dress-up and talking to her dolls. She is 9 1/2. She is childhood.

Julia for the rest of the night started to connect the dots and she asked if it was me who bought her the art case Santa left her. She cried some more. She was seriously mourning and so was I.

I do not remember discovering the truth about Santa being so difficult. I have no memory of it at all. It must have been a healthy transition. Chay told me he discovered presents hidden in the closet when he was kid and that's how he found out.

I asked Julia if she wanted to sleep with me last night. We talked and held hands until we both fell asleep. I try so hard to not get sad about my kids growing up. I really do cherish most of my days as a mother of young children. I know I am living my very best days. I know that growing up is part of the plan and there is nothing I can do to stop time from passing- all I can do is make the best of the time I have. I have very few regrets as a mother because I know I have given it my all despite my many mistakes. But I will tell you, last night, as I held my little crushed 9 year old in my arms, as she discovered Santa wasn't real, brought the same tears as a mother seeing her child walk across the stage to receive their high school diploma. It hurts and stings to the chest. A part of childhood lost forever.

Here is a letter I read to Julia:

How to tell your kids the truth about Santa, so sweet and perfect. Hopefully don't need this for awhile.:

Sunday, December 27, 2015


Xander told us tonight he wanted to serve a mission in Lego Land. That boy melts my heart. He is darling. He had to draw a picture in primary today of things he treasures. He drew a picture of me wearing green because green is my favorite color. He told me this in his sweet kind sincere voice. He is full of kisses and hugs.

The kids have been in bed for a couple hours. Went upstairs to check on things and all 4 of the kids were on the bottom full bunk sleeping sideways on the bed. The boys were fast asleep and Mckenzie and Julia were chatting away like best friends. It made me so happy. Everything about it.

I somehow am a mother of 5 children. My life unfolded into a mother- always knowing from the time I was young I would have children- but my life unfolded into this unexpected surrounding of love, little people, comfort, purpose.

Friday, December 11, 2015


The eyes-They say so much. little but big heart. So kind and gentle. Always thinking of others. The scar. Childhood. Boy.

Xander Chay melts my heart. His smile and tenderness.

Every morning without fail he always says "Do you want to hear my dream, Mom?" He loves to hug and give kisses. He is so gentle with Alice.

 According to his teacher he is obedient and respectful. Mrs. Hansen. She told me that Xander is always cleaning up and helping even though he's not asked. She wishes she could have a whole classroom of Xanders.

Xander at 5. He loves Alice, his big sisters, and singing. He loves to craft, draw, and color. He is tender and wants a lot of love and attention. He is classic for interrupting me when I'm talking to someone else- he just loves to tell me stories. He loves it when I play "Horsey Horsey go to town" with him. Oh how he giggles and laughs.

This picture was taken the first day of Kindergarten at Bravo. Everyday when I drop him off at his classroom door he tells me he loves me over and over. He waves and waves. "I love you Mom. See you soon Mom, I love you. Bye Mom." It's basically the best thing ever.

fall 2015

October Eves

The beauty of fall never gets boring. My goodness. It takes my breath away. And I mean literally and not just figuratively. Or that wasn't meant to be rhetorical or a figure of speech- I mean I sometimes gasp, losing air-. Sucking in air and making a weird noise and not breathing for a quick second because the huge mountains are covered in fire red trees. There is mist hovering above a yellow meadow. Orange, red, yellow, green trees all mixed together- I swear, It makes quite the take-my-breath-away scene. I love it. I really do. I am a sucker for this time of the year.

I took the kids up to Snowbasin ski resort to see the colors of the trees. We met up with Tara and Niels and their cute family and Tiffani and Olivia. The colors weren't nearly as vibrant as they could be but it was still beautiful. I think we missed the colors by a couple weeks. The kids enjoyed hiking around a little until Kenzie tripped and fell and put a big hole in her knee. It was pretty gross. Luckily Uncle Neils had a first aid kit. Kenzie was pretty tough. I played around with the idea of stitches for the rest of the day but I am so sick of medical bills. The wound is healing pretty well and scabbing. I know for a fact my mom would never take me to get stitches in the 80's. We would just have an awesome scar and in fact I do- On my knee. I was 8 years old and I thought I could stand on the middle bar of my bicycle. Didn't succeed.

Our tree has dropped all our leaves and while for some this means an annoying extra chore to do in the fall, I look forward to it. The children have played and played in the big piles of leaves. They have raked them several times and just mess up the piles again. I love our big tree in our backyard. Thank you Heavenly Father for that big strong tree. The tire swing hanging from it's strong branches, the perfect shade it provides in the summer, the fun memories of jumping and playing in its leaves. Perfect. The other day I went out to help put some leaves in bags with the kids. The sun was barely starting to set. The air was crisp. The kids and I played for a long time. We sang and played Ring around the Rosie, London Bridges, Down by the Bay, Down by the banks. It was so fun to hear them giggle and have the time of their life. It was magical. I love spending time with my kids. I try so hard to do it as much as I can. It is a hard balance at trying to get things done around the house, taking care of myself, and spending time with the children. The Lord knows my heart and my good desires.

We have had many crisp cool nights where the kids will play until it's dark. Riding bikes and playing games on the lawn. Cynthia will bring her kids over and everyone will just live in the moment. Being a kid. No worries. Feeling safe, Feeling loved- and hardly a responsibility. oh dear.

Samson is darling and quirky. He kind of just does his own thing. Xander is calm, patient and says the cutest things. I need to remember what he says so I can write them down. He loves spending time with his sisters. Xander is very sensitive and tender. He feels so much for others for a 5 year old. He loves little Alice and sings to her all the time. Gives her kisses. He hurt her accidentally the other day and he cried because he felt so bad for her. So sweet. He is calm and easygoing. I love having him around. I don't want that little boy growing up. I love his soft ways.

The other day I was telling the Primary President, Sister Hall how awesome and kind Xander is. She was highlighting him in Primary and giving him a journal so I thought I had a little chance to brag, right? Sister Hall stopped me and said, "April, you say that about all your children." Ha ha. So I think the world of them. I'm proud to say the least.

We did our traditional "get our pumpkin" night at Black Island Farms. It was hard to wear Alice in the baby carrier and follow the kids around to all the outdoor fun stuff. Climbing huge haybales, the barrel tractor train, big slides, the pig races. I was dying I was so tired but the kids of course loved it. It was really the most perfect fall night. The air was cool but the sun was warm. At the end of the night we got onto the big trailer and the tractor pulled us to the pumpkin patch where we all got out and picked the perfect pumpkin. Kenzie finds hers fast, Julia and Xander are a little more picky, Sam finds the first small one he can carry. Luckily Chay showed up right before this or I think I might have passed out. Wearing Alice, 4 big pumpkins, 2,5,8,9 year olds to look after. Chay to the rescue. The best part is my children's faces. They enjoy this. I can do this. I tried so hard to not be snappy or moody so not to ruin the moment. I'm sure I failed occasionally. But it was the perfect fall night.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Dearest Children God is Near You

Dearest children, 
God is near you,
Watching o'er you day and night, 
And delights to own and bless you,

If you strive to do what's right.
He will bless you, He will bless you,
If you put your trust in him.

Dearest children, holy angels
Watch your actions night and day,
And they keep a faithful record
Of the good and bad you say.
Cherish virtue! Cherish virtue!
God will bless the pure in heart.

Children, God delights to teach you
By his Holy Spirit's voice.
Quickly heed its holy promptings.
Day by day you'll then rejoice.
Oh, prove faithful, Oh, prove faithful
To your God and Zion's cause.

My prayer every night and throughout the day. Oh cherish virtue my little ones. Quickly heed the Holy Ghost's promptings! Oh Prove Faithful. 

Not sure if I totally agree with the second verse that Holy Angels are keeping record of the good and bad you say- but I feel the heavens rejoice when you keep your covenants,  choose the right and love one another. Ancestors and angels combine for your spiritual journey--for your love of God and for Zion's cause. 

I love you so much Mckenzie, Julia, Xander, Samson, and little Alice.   

Monday, October 19, 2015

lucky stressed out life

5 children now- and no, it doesn't get easier after each one. That is a lie my friends.

It is so hard to journal these days. Alice is now 3 months. She is so loved by us all and although she is better now, the last 3 months were really difficult. She's not the easiest baby- but I am slowly learning how she works.- She's been hard to figure out.

My life is total chaos right now. Just so busy with children and life. I love the littleness of my children. They all have cute stories. Sam is goofy and adorable-

 it's just that it all happens all at once and everyone wants my attention and I so want to be attentive but I don't know how to do it- then I get stressed because dinner is to be made, family home evening needs to be planned, Kenzie needs to practice piano, homework isn't getting done. Ahhhh I just want to hide away from it all at times.

I am just going to jot down some memories and thoughts real quick. I am so tired and Alice is finally asleep. So I can't drag this out.

The other day we took Sam out of the crib because he learned how to climb out of it. It was time to give it to Alice. Sam has never slept well since he learned this new freedom. In fact there are many nights when we will hear Sam in the middle of the night walking around upstairs and Chay and I are too tired to do anything about it. So he will just drink water or get into some chips in the middle of the night. Sometimes we will find him crashed on our bedroom floor fast asleep. Sometimes he climbs into bed with Xander and Kenzie. Yes, that is 3 children in a twin bed. Because Xander insists he sleeps with Mckenzie. It is sweet. I know. But smooshy.

So we got bunk beds. The second set.

Kenzie and I decided to take down the crib and set it up in Alice's room. We were having a really hard time figuring out how to set the crib back up. I was getting really frustrated with myself and upset that I couldn't figure it out or remember how to do it. I didn't want Chay to have to come down and finish it for us because he can do everything and anything. I can't. I wish I could but my brain just can't figure out things right away. It almost makes me cry when I think about it--to be honest. Is there anything Chay can't do better?? He even cooks better than me. Pathetic.

Well anyway Kenzie suggested we pray. So we did. Right after we said, "Amen" I clicked the crib into place. It was such an amazing answer to prayer. So instant. Kenzie and I really could feel help so quickly after that prayer was said. It was really neat. But then I realized I had built the crib around me and I was standing inside, stuck. It was pretty funny.

Samson is the cutest most darling 2 1/2 year old ever. He is one child I refuse to let grow up. I can't stand the fact that this adorableness and happiness will fade into a 6 or 7 year old someday. I know, there is nothing I can do about it and growing up is good. Sam is just an interesting character. He always says hi to whoever he sees. He has a hearty to die for laugh. He is mischievous and stubborn. But he is so funny. Sometimes he will pretend to be asleep in his carseat and so I try to carefully take him out to not wake him and then he will just smile with his eyes closed and starts to giggle. It makes me laugh so hard. Little faker. So funny.

Xander is at Bravo Music academy kindergarten. He had a hard time at first saying goodbye for the first couple weeks. His eyes would get glossy with tears and he would hug me 10 times saying he loves me over and over again. So sweet. He really is sweet. Tender and kind. He now loves going to school. He is full of stories and loves to talk. I remember when he didn't talk forever- almost 3 1/2 and still not saying much and then all of the sudden- whoa! He is very concerned about people and he is very loving. He found out a friend in his class was having a birthday and he didn't forget the date. His best friend at school he says. Duncan. Xander drew him a picture and gave him starbursts for his birthday. So proud of Xander. We walk to school almost everyday and Xander rides his little yellow and black bike. Chay put Fox stickers all over it. I love watching little Xander peddle his bike with his oversized back pack on. His favorite stuff animal "Slush" is hanging from his backpack. I love that kid so much. Cutest 5 year old alive. He loves to draw now. Legos and Trios. He really follows his sisters around and craves their attention. He is so lucky- the girls are so lucky-I'm so lucky- so lucky to all have each other.

now to remember that, when I feel I might just lose it-

Friday, October 09, 2015

Voice blogging from my phone

I can't believe how cute little Alice is. She is always smiling and it melts my heart.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Baby Alice

Baby Alice. July 29, 2015 3:39 PM 7 pounds 7 ounces 21 inches long. 

You came into the world screaming. It's always a nice sound to hear a hearty cry coming from your seconds old newborn. The midwife immediately handed me to you and you were covered in blood and vernix- All wrinkly and perfect. I put you next to my chest skin to skin and held you for the longest time. You finally stopped crying. Meanwhile, your big sister Kenzie was given the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord. Mckenzie wanted to be with me for the birth. She was so excited to come to the hospital with me. Julia who is afraid of seeing pain, blood, or anything she can't control, decided to stay home. The kids all went to Cynthia's house. Luckily I went into labor in the morning time. 

Mckenzie walked the halls with me at the hospital as I labored. We would count how many minutes between each contraction. We held hands the entire time. Mckenzie was so patient and also such a strength. There were a lot of empty rooms in the wing where we were walking. Every time we would pass an empty room, Kenzie and I would walk in and I would do 30 squats to speed up labor. You see, Dear Alice, you were swimming in a huge amniotic sac full of too much fluid and because of this, you never stayed put and refused to get into the correct birthing position. A couple days before your birth, you were breech and then you were sideways. The doctors discussed having a C-Section if you weren't in the right position. For some reason I was so against the idea of cutting my stomach open. I was afraid of the healing process afterwards mostly. So I didn't lay down once during my labor until the midwife, Kathy Mark, broke my water. She felt your head downwards and she broke my water so your head would engage in the right position and you wouldn't move. It worked. I did squats to keep your head down and to speed up labor. 

I went from a 2 to a 9 centimeters in about 4 hours. 

I prayed so hard that you would flip into the right position. Many prayed and fasted as well. I put your name into the temple. It really was a miracle and answer to prayer to discover that you were flipped head down on the day I went into labor. 

It was a great labor and birth. I should have refused the epidural at the end because I was a 9 when I got it. I was just being weak and afraid of pain and I figured why not?  But it was still very painful and I could feel most of it. 

I was so relieved to know that this awful pregnancy was over. I was so happy to hold you, Alice. Newborns are so precious. So tiny for such a small period of time. You made the cutest noises and grunts. You were seriously the cutest little newborn. perfectly shaped head. I was kind of in denial about the rest of my life. I just pretended everything paused and I could focus on you. You were a great nurser at the hospital. You opened your eyes right after you were born. Very alert. Your Dad was so proud. He recorded a lot of your birth on my phone. I was so happy to have your Dad and Mckenzie with me. I couldn't wait for Julia, Xander and Sam to meet you. 

Sam was a little unsure. He thought you were a doll the first time he saw you- and when you moved your hands and legs a little, he screamed out of fear. He actually adjusted pretty well to not being the baby anymore. He loved you very early on. He was always gentle and sweet with you. So was Xander. Xander is very kind and soft with you. He sings to you often. He calls you "Baby Alice" all the time. He often says how much he loves you and then kisses your feet. Julia and Mckenzie can't get enough of you. A constant wanting to hold you and touch you. They are your little second mommies. They will always take care of you, I just know it. You are so so loved my little girl. You came into a family that will always cherish you. 

The outpouring realization of how fortunate you are just came to me. Born into the world during the very last days before Christ comes again. You were born into a home with a mother and father who are married and who love each other. You were also born into a home where the gospel is taught and where Heavenly Father and Jesus is at the center of the home. You were born into the United States of America where despite how much it has disappointedly changed since it's foundation, it is still for the time being, the greatest country on earth, watched over by God himself. You were born into a home with a father who can provide for you and make sure all your temporal needs are met. You have me, your mother, who fails often but continues to give it my all to make sure you feel loved, learn to work, learn to love the Lord, and to discover your strengths and talents. You have a big family of siblings who care about you and always will. You have been handed a treasure trove of blessings. Remember to always be grateful my new daughter. 

You were blessed on September 5th, 2015. The same day your sister Julia was baptised. It was a very special day for you two. Your dad was especially tender that day. In your baby blessing your father said you were born on earth and came into our family for a divine purpose. Remember that. Your father also said in your blessing that your two sisters will be your example. No pressure Kenzie and Julia. 

Deciding to get pregnant with you was as a difficult choice. I could easily be done with Sam and I could continue to focus on my health and family. I was 35 and knew I was getting older but I felt really strongly that we needed to have another child because it really isn't about me, it's about doing what's right. Logic and many opinions would speak to me saying:  "stop having children, start living your life, your house is too small, you're going to be 40 when your youngest is in kindergarten, it's going to be hard on your health, it's too expensive to raise children, it's too stressful and hard to have more." But really in the end, it's not about what I think is best, but what the Lord sees is best. I want to do His will not mine. I am so happy I obeyed the small promptings. Now I have you. Alice. A blessing in our lives with a "divine purpose". Couldn't be happier. Now if you would just stop crying and get over this colic thing you got going on. We want our sleep and our sanity back please. 


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Comptine d'un autre ete

We couldn't be more proud of Mckenzie. The piano makes sense to her and she really enjoys it. She learned this hard song really quick. She was really nervous for the recital and she tends to play fast when she is a little scared- but overall it was great, especially for a 9 year old.

I was really emotional when she played because I remembered the days when I would sit next to her on the piano day in and day out going over her first songs and her first notes. She would get so frustrated and wanted to quit playing. I had to give so many inspirational speeches to this girl to keep her motivated. Ahhhh. "We can do hard things. This is how we learn in life. Mistakes are normal and apart of the learning process. Heavenly Father does not want us to give up. He will help us." Oh and those hard songs she wanted to avoid, I would sit by her on the bench and play them with her and we would play them 10 times each. "One more time, let's do it one more time." She would cry. "You are amazing. You are becoming a great piano player." I would say. While inside I wanted to scream sometimes. Let me remind you that the house was never getting clean. Sam was  walking  scooting around in a diaper to his knees.

Then as Kenzie advanced, I would play the bottom hand and she would play the top hand and then we would switch. She learned rhythm really well this way and so did I! It was a rough couple of years as I wanted to give up too!! It was hard motivating and coming up with new ways to make practice fun. I switched her teacher 3 times so we could find the perfect fit. She still has a lot to learn and a ways to go, but she is over that hump of the unknown impossibilities to anything is possible if I work hard enough at it- especially with piano. She really is developing a wonderful gift. We love music around here.

Here is Chay's comment on Instagram about Kenzie's recital. A proud father without a hint of humility. Love it.

summer is upon us part 2

"Being humble means recognizing that we are not on earth to see how important we can become, but to see how much difference we can make in the lives of others." President Gordon B. Hinckley. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

So far so wonderful this blessed summer. Happiness in my heart to have my kids home every day. I love having them around, taking them to exciting places, hearing their stories all day, watch them play together. I love the non rush mornings now where each one wakes up when they want and come into my room and either get in bed with me or give me a big "good morning" hug.

The gift to enjoy motherhood most of the time and to treasure home and family is a learned behavior, a desire I wanted, a prayer in my heart the Lord has answered- and through time, service, and patience, this wonderful gift has been bestowed upon me. It's what I wanted even though I used to not feel it all the time- but I believe that with faith, time, and a desire to change- God can change our very nature. I knew somehow that the children Heavenly Father gave me needed a specific kind of mother- and I have had and still have many days where I feel so inadequate and guilty- but I just keep on praying and believing that I can change- through Christ. I am a lot kinder, more patient, less selfish, more compassionate, and more centered on home and family than I used to be. I am not perfect and I lose it from time to time!! Ha!! But the slow process has been noticeable.

Do I want the children to go away and watch TV sometimes because I just can't handle them anymore? Yes. Do I push them outside with a popsicle so I can think straight and not have to deal with their petty problems and constant nagging? Yes, sometimes. Do I get annoyed and raise my voice from time to time out of frustration? yes. Do I long for nap time so I can assure peace in my world for 2 hours a day? I love my Sammy but I know he is safe in his crib and not causing messes, getting into the fridge and dropping eggs on the floor, not running out into the street, trying to drink all purpose cleaner. Yes, I want the break!!!

But I feel so grateful that I feel more and more linked and tied to my children as they grow- and the desire to pursue a time consuming hobby or to leave the house and make money becomes less and less. I have learned to know and appreciate this small time in my life when my kids are small. They really are so fun and entertaining. Their innocence and their thoughts and words melt my heart. Their easiness to giggle and cry really make the life experience come alive. I love all their emotions. Before I know it, I will suddenly have more "me" time and I will get to focus on other parts of my progress on this earth, but for now- this is what I really want. In the end, spending all this time with my children and strengthening home and family will bring the greatest reward. Despite it being the hardest thing I have ever done- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can do hard things!!!


 My philosophy exactly. Who says a girl should still look perfect by the end of the day? You can't have adventures without getting messy :)

*We have been swimming almost daily at the health club. The kids love love it. I actually love it too once I get this big body into a swimsuit. Ahhh what a feat!!! Hauling 4 kids is a challenge- since 2 of them don't swim at at all. Kenzie and Julia are a little behind because we were basically "swimless" for a couple years due to tubes in everyone's ears except Kenzie. But I figured the more I take them, the more they will learn. This fall I will put them in private lessons since they are booked for the summer.

*We've had some great summer rain so far. We are so blessed by all this rain! Thank you Heavenly Father for providing all this moisture. The best part is the air is still warm- the kids got all muddy in the rain yesterday. Dad pushed them on the tire swing in the middle of the storm. It was so exciting for them. I can't believe how much shelter our tree provides. I love our big tree in the backyard.

*I love all the time the kids are spending with each other. School really separates the siblings. They are getting along really well- little fights here and there but that is usually because they are tired, hungry or hot. Mckenzie does Julia's hair in the morning. Julia loves having her hair played with. Me too!! I saw Kenzie scratching Julia's back just because Julia loves it. It was really sweet. Julia also has a huge heart and plays with Xander a lot. They play well together but I also think she is just a really kind person and wants her brother to be happy.

*Kenzie and Xander built a "shade" fort in our front yard. It was creative. I'm sure our neighbors were kindly waiting for the mess to be picked up. It was pretty redneck looking. Old towels and blankets stretched over an old card table.

*Tons of bike rides around the neighborhood. A lot of scraped up knees and elbows, itchy mosquito bites, and sun kissed skin. Love the freckles.

*Even though we go to a nice outdoor pool at the health club, Chay decided to fill up our kiddy pool one afternoon and guess who played the most in it? Kenzie, our 9 year old. Ha. They all played in it. Dad put it in front of the slide.

*I taught Kenzie how to use the washing machine the other day. I'm just worried she will wash a stained shirt without spraying it first and putting it in the dryer- Letting go of laundry is hard for me. But I am trying to not be a control freak so my kids can learn the skill as well. I have never sorted kids clothes by color. Just throw their dirty clothes all in together- besides their nice nice clothes- which are very few- they all wear second hand, hand me downs anyway.

*Terrace Days- once a year the city celebrates itself. Blow up Bouncy houses, a climbing wall, vendors. Fried Pickles!!! SO GOOD!!! We lost Samson for 10 minutes- it felt like an hour. My heart sank. I could not find him for so long. Chay got the police. I was screaming his name but everything was so loud. A couple nice people started helping me. We finally found him way out in the middle of a baseball field far away from us. Oh my heart. Oh my heart. His head was buried in his small hands and stream of tears were coming down his face. Oh I just couldn't stop crying for the longest time. What a nightmare. I love that kid so much and to see him so scared and alone broke my heart.

*We watched a big firework show that night. It was awesome. The kids loved it. Julia was being her worrisome self again thinking the world was going to catch on fire or we were going to get hit by the fireworks. Dad pretended to be hit and she freaked out. Julia just likes to worry for some reason. She is always concerned about something. She was a wreck when we lost Sam.

*Oh and the climbing wall. My kid's favorite. Especially Julia. She scaled it like spider man. They love the challenge besides Xander- he kind of follows the girls around and so when he got up pretty high he got scared. But I told him to finish it until he got to the top!! He did. He was so proud of himself for accomplishing something so great, even though he was super apprehensive about the whole thing. Xander has really improved on riding his bike. He loves it. I can't believe he will be 5 next month. How exciting to see my beautiful boy grow up and learn.

*The kids decided this was going to be the slumber party summer. They took off the mattresses from the bunk bed and laid them down next to each other on the floor to make a king. They sleep together every night. They are up their giggling for the longest time. They like to tease Julia and steal her silky pink blanky. But it's fun tease, I think. Anyway- I've decided to just let it be for the summer. They still have to "make" the bed in the morning but it just gets jumped on and ruined by midday anyway. Chay decided to join them the other night and he fell asleep with them. Mckenzie who is a snuggler loved it and kept talking about it the next morning.

*Scripture study is getting a little weak as a family. Now it's a quick verse with a small explanation and kisses good night since bedtime suddenly went from 7:30 to 10:00 pm. The cool nights that don't get dark until 9 are so tempting to enjoy. We have a goal to read the entire book of mormon by the time Julia gets baptized this fall. I am determined to make scripture study more meaningful again. We usually gather around the table and I try to have a coloring sheet for them to color or they need to draw what we're talking about. I ask millions of questions so they stay focused. It's hard work. But I really do feel the blessings and protection that come from meaningful scripture study. It is our duty as parents that our children learn to love and know the scriptures- so we keep on plowing through. But some days it is hard!!
Brushstrokes on a canvas. David A. Bednar I Love this talk, some of our FHE etc are like he described. Hopefully my kids will remember that we had it consistently. Mary
*I want to be better at Family Home Evenings too. I am kind of scattered brained about life and so I don't prepare very well. Since our children are not very busy yet and our life isn't chaotic like some families, I kind of lean on the idea that we do a lot together as a family- but I want more spiritual and gospel learning centered family home evenings. I got on Pinterest looking for new ideas for a quick lesson, and then I just felt inspired to have Mckenzie teach the lesson. She grabbed the Friend Magazine, and I kid you not- she gave the best lesson. She was an amazing teacher. She asked good questions, she had 2 activities- the kids listened to her better than they do with Chay and I. She shared neat stories and even bore her testimony at the end. It was so wonderful to see my daughter act so grown up and to see a talent developing. On my to-do list is to write her a little note and tell her how much I enjoyed her lesson. No greater joy.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Summer is upon us Part 1

So I shouldn't be sitting here very long. When I sit, blood pulls in my vulva and causes my varicose veins to hurt like crazy. How did you like that?? Ha. Also my feet and ankles begin to swell and by the end of the day, my feet have grown an extra size in all directions. I'm not kidding. I have to buy size 10 shoes for my last 2 months of my pregnancy because my feet get so big and fat. I retain water really bad in the legs, feet, and ankles. I have written countless blog entries about how much I hate being pregnant but decided to never publish them. But to wrap it up- it's the worst time in my life, physically. Which turns into emotionally. I do not feel good rarely ever, I hurt and ache, I swell, I am moody, I do not feel attractive, I get very depressed, every bone, joint seems to inflame, I gain a ton of weight. I get these horrible round ligament pains in the sides of my stomach that are very sharp and intense for about 5 minutes. I can't even move when they strike. I also get that sciatica nerve pain in my right butt cheek which makes it difficult to walk. I can't breathe very well so I feel winded, and I am tired beyond tired. ha ha ha so there you have it. Sounds lovely doesn't it. Dear Daughters, please don't let this scare you away.

Summer is here and I am choosing to love it and it is really working. I mean, I always love summer, but it's just a little tricky with a huge bulging belly and all the pains, fatigue, and aches that come with pregnancy. But I love love having my children home. It has been so wonderful to be with my girls all day. Oh how I have missed them. Xander couldn't be happier to have his sisters around every single day.

okay Summer 2015 how will I make you meaningful and positive for the kids as I go through this dreaded time of pregnancy????

I really do find joy in simple things. I love when the kids are just riding their bikes all over the street and the weather is perfect. Julia was on her bike pretending to be a zombie the other night and Mckenzie and Xander were laughing so hard I thought they were going to wreck at any minute.

We roasted marshmallows and s'mores the other night. That is always nostalgic and exiting for everyone. Even though I secretly hate s'mores. Kids running around with long hot sticky metal sticks in the dark. The mom never getting a break as each kid and husband always asking for a marshmallow, then a hershey, then help roasting, then someone is crying.

The kids all have a morning to-do/chore list that keeps them focused which helps with the small quarrels. I'm teaching piano to Julia and she is such a "check-off" girl that once she knows what she is supposed to do and there is a plan in place, she thrives. We made her a cute binder with a bunch of weekly practice sheets. I found a really easy piano book series that is so easy to understand and so easy to teach from too. She has found new confidence in the piano and practices a lot. Mckenzie is just so naturally good that she rarely executes her practicing the way she should and yet she continues to see piano as part of her that seems to grow and improve as she grows and improves in everything else. The piano is Kenzie's friend. So two girls, two different personalities that will both most likely succeed.

I started out the summer with a trip to Target. We made summer school pencil boxes with brand new markers, crayons, glue, pencils, erasers and such. They had so much fun organizing and putting it all together. I have three cubbies in this armoire in their bedroom- so Kenzie, Julia, and Xander all have their own space for work books, summer work packets, and their new pencil boxes. They also have a reading folder. One side is the library summer reading program and the other side is their book reports I make them do for each book. They have to turn in some type of reading log when school starts again in August. bla bla blah

But the fun part is just having the kids around. We ride bikes (I walk) to school lunch almost every day. Thank you government for blowing tax dollar money on such silly programs- our family totally takes advantage of it. My kids love to get on their bikes and ride to the elementary school by our house and eat free food. I'm all for it. Do you know that by law, the lunch workers have to throw out all the food that is left over after lunch??? I asked the lady one time if she could put it in a plastic garbage bag and set it nicely in the dumpster and I will come get it after lunch is over and she acted like I was asking her to be an accomplice to a murder.

Julia and I went on a small date yesterday morning. She was beaming with excitement even though we went to lame places- I ran some errands. But we did take all her change and put it in the change machine at the bank. I take each kid to do this by themselves. 40% goes to savings/mission, 10% tithing, and 50% goes to fun spending. Kenzie has a money binder that is working out pretty well. On the inside pocket she has her ledger where she keeps track of all her money coming in and out. Then she has 4 zipper plastic binder envelopes. Each labeled- Earnings, Savings, Tithing, and, Fun. The Fun one is actually a pencil bag inside a plastic binder envelope so she can take it out and take it shopping with her. She always has these big ideas of getting a tablet but isn't patient enough. She spent $12 dollars the other day on Pokemon cards and afterwards she told me it wasn't a smart purchase and a waste of money. She is learning!!! Xander and I went to the bank a couple weeks ago and we counted his heavy mission coin bank. $111 dollars!! Wow all those coins really adds up!! He is only 4 and doesn't entirely understand so the whole thing went to savings besides 10% for tithing- he just wants to hand the bishop something on Sunday. Oh Xander. cute cute handsome boy.

Anyway so Julia and I went to the store to get milk. I bought her a cute juice. We went to the library and got her more Magic Tree House books. Just last summer she could barely read and it was so frustrating to her and what do you know?? She is doing just fine. It really is so liberating to her. Julia always says thank you to me for everything and it is very sincere. She is a remarkable person with a huge heart.

So far this summer we have:

*rode bikes through sprinklers for an hour (Sam didn't ride a bike, but he was screaming with delight)
*lot's of lazy tire swing moments (my favorite to watch the kids out the window swaying back & forth)
*S'mores by the fire
*Dad took them to Nickelcade- a ghetto arcade in town and the kids are still talking about it
*swimming at the health club swimming pool- so hard to do alone with 4 kids and big belly.
*piano recital- Kenzie did so good! Kids loved the free cookies afterwards
*Walk by the river to collect rocks.
*many trips to the library. Julia and Xander love the magnetic shape toys
* I bought a drawing book at Savers the other day and I love to sit with the kids and attempt drawing with them.
*eat lots of watermelon- $5 a watermelon gets expensive but nothing quenches my thirst better.
*Kids all took a shower together the other night- the sounds of laughter brightened up the house. They have to shower after they run through sprinklers because our secondary water is nasty death water.
*I asked the kids to fold socks downstairs and I don't know what happened but it turned into this big party. They were laughing so hard over something. Surprisingly, a lot of socks got folded.
*Kenzie woke up early one morning. She was cold and so I put my huge cardigan sweater on her. We sat outside together and enjoyed the early quiet morning. She is so easy to snuggle. She ended up telling me all about a book she is reading.
*Kenzie and Dad woke up before work and fixed her 2 flat tires on her bike.
*Kids ride their bikes to school lunch and then play at the playground for an hour or so afterwards.
*Julia did a trial run art class. Not sure what to think but it was a BIG deal for her. Everything new is so scary for her.

It is June 9th and so far we have had beautiful weather. All through May it rained almost every day and it has made the mountains green and lush. The mountains take my breath away. The mornings are beautiful and quiet. The weather hasn't been too hot. I mean, I'm dying at 80 degrees but I can tell the sun and having the kids home has lifted my mood. I am hopeful again after 7 months of a hard depressing pregnancy and yet now I enter the last part where I blow up to be a whale, I retain water, aches and pains, rolling out of bed, and picking up anything off the floor is a chore. But I don't want to wish this summer away. I have 4 exciting beautiful children who look forward to each day and each adventure and so I am going to suck it up and plow through until little baby girl comes in August. It will all be worth it.

Samson is quite literally the cutest thing on the planet to me. His crazy wild red hair and his full on personality with so much excitement and curiosity. He is all boy-in love with anything with wheels and yet sensitive where he loves to cuddle and play with my hair. He wants to go outside the minute he wakes up. He is my first child to actually get into things and make a ton of messes. I find him in the bathroom filling up cups of water and dumping it on the floor for fun. He reaches into the shower and grabs shampoo and conditioner bottles and empties them all over the tub. He will come into my room and take just one of my shoes and he will walk off with it- still can't find some of them. So he is busy. He got into our cat's liter box and I came into the laundry room to find liter all over the floor with chunks of dried up cat poop everywhere. It was a sandbox to him. The other day he was so sad that I was taking a shower so I let him get in with me. He loved it. He loved it so much he decided to poop. The yummy smells of a shower quickly went away. But I just love 2 year olds. They start to gain an idea of what they want and what they like and yet they are still a baby. I love how they start to talk a little in their own language. My favorite part is waking Sam up or picking him up from his crib. Just that cute snuggle, messy hair, sleepy face. He always always gives me the biggest longest hugs. He is generally a very happy go lucky kid who is easily pleased. He loves to say hi to everyone and he loves Daddy. Screams his name and runs out to him when he pulls up in the driveway. First kid to do that. I love you Sammy. Oh seriously so enjoyable. Love love love.

Monday, April 13, 2015


The best children's books in the history of children's books.

Yesterday after church the kids played the entire day- their creative minds were going crazy and they laughed so hard for hours. It was such a delightful thing to hear. Chay and I kept talking about it. "Oh my gosh they are still laughing so hard." "What are they playing that is so funny?" First Julia and Xander were playing with dolls and action figures and their box of "small stuff" in our make shift playroom and Kenzie came in the room after making cookies and she made them laugh so hard about something. They laughed and giggled for hours. Then they went outside and started making up something else- something to do with an evil witch with magical powers, a king, and queen. Who knows. But I had to drag them inside to feed them dinner and at dinner time and scripture time they kept wanting to draw what they were playing outside.

When it was bedtime I told them not to stay up too late but they all wanted Kenzie to read her book "The Haunted Museum" to them. This morning I went into their room and they were all asleep together on a twin bed. All the way to school Julia, Xander, and Kenzie could not stop talking about the book. I think the book kind of scared Xander and he mentioned after we dropped off the girls that he was so happy to sleep with both of his sisters.

Also on the way to school as we were waiting in the drop off line, Julia openly started comparing and contrasting her first grade teacher to her kindergarten teacher. I thought what she said was very wise and intelligent. She started off by saying that her Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Bever was always kind and positive and Mrs. Wagster her first grade teacher is always yelling and punishing the kids. She said that the kids in Mrs. Bever's class were always good and never in trouble and the kids in her class this year in first grade are always getting in trouble. I could see the wheels in her head turning and she started to form an opinion- a wise opinion. She said, "Mom, all the kids felt so good with Mrs. Bever and she always said nice things to us. Even when someone was naughty she was nice. Our classroom was always quiet. Mrs. Wagster makes us feel bad. She is always yelling. I wish she would say nicer things to us. The kids in our class are naughty all the time and it makes Mrs. Wagster get mad a lot. I think nicer and positive teachers have better kids in the class."

BOOM!! Loved her conclusion she came to as she thought out loud. I told her the same principle applies to every relationship we have in life- family, school, work, church. Praise builds, criticism kills.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Family life in full force

What is my main motivation for writing? Well, it's for my children, grandchildren, posterity-

It is the year 2015 and Chay and I are in our mid thirty's and drowning in typical family life. Chay is working hard as a new Assistant Director of St. Mark's Hospital and is doing all he can to keep moving, keep improving upwards. It was a big change for us financially although we don't really see it because we are trying to be faithful to the commandment of getting out of debt and so we are trusting in the Lord and paying off as much as we can. I know the Lord will bless those who obey and put Him first. We have seen many miracles and blessings- small and simple I suppose, but huge to us. We look for the miracles, not wait for them.

Chay still drives a big commute and he is working more hours each day as his role seems to be more important than his last job. I know the long hours are part of the job and timing in our lives. I now have to worry less about Chay because I know he enjoys work and he feels like he is going somewhere. It was rough there for a couple years seeing Chay not feeling he was progressing.

Chay is such a busy hard working guy. I honestly did not know I married someone so wonderful when I did. I mean, I knew he was a great person and I loved being with him but I didn't know his potential as a leader. I didn't know about his consistency and endurance in life as continually doing what is right- He has hard blows in life, but he is so so resilient. At the end of the day, he is always smiling about something, finding hope in something, keeping busy, looking forward. He is loyal and obedient.

Family life is in full force. School, church, work, activities here and there. I do all I can to maintain some kind of consistency as the mother who is always there to support, lead, help, drive, listen, and hug when life goes bananas. I am not perfect at it and trust me the hours 3:00 to bedtime seem to test my patience as everyone is coming home, doing homework, dinner, piano, activity days, high council- but by choice my kids really aren't nearly as busy as some families.

We are all squished together in this little home of ours. Our first home. We could barely afford the house payment when we moved here 8 years ago. We only had Mckenzie and I was pregnant with Julia. A lot has changed in the past 8 years- we have added 3 1/2 more children for one thing. When it was just 3 of us, we didn't even go downstairs unless it was to watch TV at night. Now we are bulging at the seams of every room. I kind of love it, kind of hate it. I love that Kenzie, Julia, and Xander share a room. I love that I know where my kids are and what they're doing at all times of the day. I love how each room is full of memories. I love that big homes don't equate happiness- and that the best feelings of security and love can be felt in any size of living space. Dinner time is complete chaos as I attempt over and over to make it "meaningful" with half-way decent meals (not all the time) but there is always someone getting up to get something, someone crying, someone spilling their drink, or getting ketchup on their white shirt. I rarely sit down and enjoy the meal as I am getting up to get a rag, a forgotten cup, clean up a spill, salt, something out of the fridge. Chay struggles with patience but we somehow make it through. We always ask the children the same questions and they seem to love it and look forward to it. "What is the best thing that happened today? What is the worst thing that happened today?" Anything goes and it's always interesting to see their perspective.

The house is full of noise and life.

Right now in my life I kind of spin circles as I try to keep up on things around the house and with busy little boys. I am in my 2nd trimester and finally after a long horrible first 4 months, I am starting to feel better. So liberating!! I have energy again and I haven't thrown up for a few weeks now. Wow that was depressing. My life was so dark and miserable there for awhile. I could barely function and yet I had to because of the demands of being a mother. It was discouraging.

I am the mother. I sometimes think I am watching my life from a distance- like a TV show and that I am in awe as to everything I do and feel- but still feel I am 18 and not ready for motherhood yet. Ha. It's really trippy to be right in the thick of a life that only seemed unreal and so far away a few years ago. I wake up in the morning super achy from being pregnant and unhealthy and yet I have to just tell myself "Keep moving April, keep moving, I need to pack lunches, make breakfast, tell the kids I love them, make sure they say prayers, wake up Xander, wake up Sam and change his diaper, get Kenzie on the piano for 30 minutes, sign homework binders, make sure teeth get brushed and faces washed and out the door in time for school. When the girls are at school I get to spend the day with the boys.

Xander is such an interesting sweet boy who has a huge heart. He is always concerned about me, the baby, the girls at school. He has always been entertained by big sisters and so he sometimes struggles with finding things to do. We have craft projects that come in the mail that we do together. We do preschool, we do stuff around the house. I have been so tired and sick this pregnancy and so many times I will leave Xander alone while he colors or does Perler Bead projects so I can nap.

The other day I asked Xander if I could take a nap while Sam naps and he could do perler beads. I woke up from my nap an hour later and he was in my bed with me fast asleep holding my hand. Sweetest thing ever. He woke up and asked if I felt better. He then said, "Mommy, the baby grows when you sleep, and I wanted the baby to grow." What a little man!!! He is a handsome soft spirited kind boy. He is not all rough and tough, but fragile and mellow. He does like to play and pretend, but he's a thinker. When he puts his hand in mine when we go for a walk, my heart leaps a little. My sweet little 4 year old. I treasure our time together.

My heart sank when I had to rush him to emergency 3 weeks ago. He jabbed a piece of trim through his cheek while going down the slide outside. He came inside to show me and fat was coming out of the wound. He had 9 stitches. The wound was very deep and wide. Oh I hope it heals and goes away with time. It make me sad to see his sweet little face get so hurt and cut up. It was an emotional day for all of us. Chay wasn't home yet from work and I had all 4 kids with me at the doctors. Sam was getting into everything in the doctor's office. Julia was so so worried and cried more than Xander did. She was so dramatic with Xander's situation. I had to hold Xander down as the doctor put the Novocain needle into his cheek. Oh it was horrible. He was brave and the doctor was super impressed at how relatively calm Xander was. But oh boy did he scream. At night we now add another thing to our routine, I put a special essential oil ointment on Xander's cheek to help reduce scaring. It's a big scar. Let's say you're reading this 20 years from now Xander. Can you see the scar still? Please tell me "barely". Just so you know, I had to pin you down three times a day to put ointment on that scar and you fought me every single time for a month straight.

Xander learned how to ride a bike yesterday. Totally surprised me. He is just this calm boy who can sit for hours crafting or coloring. He just made a decision yesterday morning and he never looked back. Chay was up at 7 am out working on a motorcycle ( I love how I married a busy hard working husband). Xander walked outside and said, "Dad, it's time you take off my training wheels on my bike, I want to learn today." When I finally rolled out of bed and made it upstairs, I looked outside and my little 4 year old was riding a bike on his own. What????

Sam is the cutest thing on this earth. Oh my gosh. LOVE. He just melts my heart. He has this full head of crazy red auburn hair. He tries to talk all day and his gibberish makes me giggle no matter what kind of mood I am in. He is so different from Xander but I think it will be a good combination. Sam is an outside boy. Loves cars, 4 wheelers- he loves balls. We have had this toy basketball hoop in our backyard since Kenzie was 2 and none of our kids have ever really played with it- I have wanted to get rid of it several times but what do you know, Sam loves it. Sam loves to eat and begs to eat all the time. He is so interesting. He hates nursery and the nursery leaders won't let him cry so they always come find me and give him back to me- so still at age 2 I have to haul him to my classes. He has the best giggle of all time and all of us tease him or try to make him laugh all day. Wow he is surrounded by love and people. He loves to "pray". We always say "time for prayer" and he will fold his arms and bow his head. TO DIE FOR. Nap time is still going strong and I look forward to it every day! I rock him to sleep and he loves loves my long hair. He puts his binky in and he grabs my hair and rubs it all over his face until he falls asleep. It is absolutely adorable. I love love my little Sammy. Incredible big light in our family. Moody and stubborn but so fun. I discovered a whole box of tampons today opened with tampons pulled apart all over my bathroom floor. I had to laugh. Sam Sam Sammy. Tonight he ran around with his shirt off just screaming and laughing for no apparent reason- just excited about the warm night. The kids rode bikes in the street until it was dark and then played some more in the backyard since our playground has wired in lights. It was a magical warm spring night.

Julia- she will be a swan someday. She has this intriguing beauty that is made up of wit, charm, sensitivity, humor, art, and exactness. She is full of questions yet is concerned with everything being just right. She has gorgeous soft flawless olive yet fair skin. Thick beautiful dark dark brown hair. Her eyes are dark. She hates feeling unsure and so she doesn't like new things at first, change, or unfamiliar places. She adapts a lot better than she used to. She is only 7 but she is an old soul and I love being with her and talking to her. She understands a lot. Things make sense. She does cry when she is less than perfect in some things or she gets emotional when she is confronted or criticized by a teacher or someone outside the family. Today we were tardy for school because Mom and Dad accidentally slept in. ooops. She cried when the teacher gave her a tardy. Julia is an amazing artist who loves to draw. Because she has an older sister who is cute and has progressed with piano and has seemed to be first in many things- I fear that Julia will compare herself to Kenzie- but it doesn't seem to matter. So many people will tell Kenzie how beautiful she is right in front of Julia without ever thinking about Julia. It makes me sad, but it doesn't seem to bother Julia. I hope this continues on- Julia is beautiful and she will be a catch someday to the lucky man who gets her. She is so kind to Xander and spends a lot of time making Samson laugh. She loves to play outside when it's her idea and she can get these huge bursts of energy and she will be crazy and it is so entertaining. A couple days ago she decided to jump off the pegs on Kenzie's bike while Kenzie was still peddling. She landed right on her knees hard on the street. She jumped right up in shock with the pain. She said, '"I'll be okay, I'll be okay" and then her eyes filled with tears. Her first reaction really showed how strong she is mentally. She is very mysterious to me yet she is quite open about her feelings when its her choice. I wish her teachers could see the real Julia. She is the perfect student but so quiet and obedient that I don't think they ever see Julia shine like I do. Julia gets ready very fast in the morning. I never have to worry about her being irresponsible or not doing what she's supposed to be doing. She never forgets about important things or dates. She is a great side kick for her sister Kenzie, who can adorably and sometimes irritatingly forget and lose things.

Kenzie is this natural beauty who is so soft and kind that she draws everyone in. She touches my hand and I melt. She loves touch too. If I give her a random hug she will melt. She needs it- she has this soft long brown hair, perfect spread of freckles across her upper cheeks and nose. She has a beautiful smile. She is naturally very kind and aware of everyone around her. She is very talented at the piano. It comes easy for her. She has a very hearty laugh and has a great personality. She is transitioning right now to a different stage of life. She is more sensitive and emotional. She suddenly has a harder time sharing and little things annoy her at times- but not all the time. I know she is growing up and although it makes me sad, I look forward to her growing up. She is so fun to be around. She bore the most beautiful testimony last testimony meeting. She went up all on her own and shared an experience about how she felt the Holy Ghost. It was incredible to witness. I feel like the pressures of the world are hard on her right now. She feels stressed with school and piano. She even tells me that she feels rushed and that there isn't enough time in the day to be a kid anymore. It makes me so sad. I want her to go outside and play and I usually let her but then she gets stressed with homework and life. I try to do all I can to help her relax and sometimes we don't always practice piano- I don't want a stressed out kid. I want her to love life and enjoy the moments. I even wrote a letter to the teacher expressing my concerns. I am trying so hard as her mother not to make her feel rushed or bad for not doing what she should be doing all the time. Yesterday I let her watch some TV when she came home so she could relax but when I told her to turn it off after awhile she started crying that she made a bad choice and wasted her time watching TV and not doing homework. I thought I was doing her a good thing- She will be happier in the summer. She is amazing.

She chipped her two front teeth last week at recess. She hit a soccer goal post. It was so sad for her and for me. Her teeth came in so beautiful and perfect. She has such a dynamite smile with teeth from her Dad- that Clark Smile. I was at home cleaning the kitchen when the school called me. I was able to get down to her in 10 minutes. When I saw her in the waiting room she started to cry again and I cried with her. I was so happy I could be there for her. She was my first priority and she knew it. The dentist fixed her teeth with bonding. They look slightly different and it made me sad at first. It's going to be okay. At least she has friends at school, at least we have good dentists, at least she was running around having fun and not worried about life when it happened. I wasn't handling it very well inside however. I was upset. Julia found out from friends that Kenzie chipped her two front teeth and oh man was Julia worried about her sister. She takes on this mother role when someone is hurt.

The night Kenzie chipped her teeth in my bed I cried forever. I don't know why- I just couldn't handle the emotions of the day and having my daughter hurt and physically scarred bugged me. I had to pray really hard to get the feeling of uneasiness away. I couldn't believe I was having another child and that I had even more to worry about. Xander's cheek split open, Kenzie's teeth was a lot to take on- not even including the unknown future coming ahead of me: if one of my kids will have a hard time in school, when they have hurt feelings, if they will struggle with testimony, may have feelings of not being good enough, if they have bad friends- ahhhh I felt so overwhelmed with all the pain and trials I was going to go through by just having children and loving them with so much of me. It hurt.

That is why I love prayer. God really took it all away the next morning. My worried heart was calm. Having experiences like this reaffirms I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real. All the aches and pains in my heart of being a mom went all away and I had some kind of renewed strength. I'm sure it will return, but I can always pray. The Lord is watching over my family.