Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I met Joy today.

She was sitting at a table in Costco in the book section.

My reaction, "Oh my gosh are you really Joy?"
Her reaction, "yes I am sweetie."

I then went about to ask her about trimming my bushes, my apple trees, organic fertilizer, tulips...

I listen to "Joy in the Garden" whenever I can on Saturday mornings on talk radio. She has this perfect grandma voice and whatever she says about plants and gardens I unquestionably believe her. It's the grandma voice that is the most convincing.

Grandmas know flowers.

Anyway so I bought her book. It is a lovely book. I bought it because it's a Utah gardening book- which is a bonus because most places don't deal with our soil.

I read a lot of it last night and just dreamed of having that beautiful yard...but then quickly realized how much work a beautiful yard dreaming about one is far easier and cheaper. I think I will just stick to dreaming about one for right now. I'm lucky enough to get the weeding done. Plus my girls picked half of my tulips before they even bloomed this spring.

But we have plenty of dandelions...the wonder of dandelions to little girls is always so fun...

I have little bouquets of dead dandelions all over my house "just for you Mom"

I wake up to dead dandelions. They were delicately placed on my nightstand by 4 year old hands. I can't seem to throw them away. Ironically the pile of weeds bring me much joy when I first wake up in the morning.

Monday, April 26, 2010


We have been super busy. I am actually quite amazed at how much we are getting accomplished. I will have to tell all later.

I guess I will have to post pictures or something- I have never painted so much in so little time. I remember when I used to get nervous when it was time to paint something. I think those feelings are gone now. My sewing machine still makes me nervous and so does the miter saw- but I'm getting there slowly.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

sounds of home

certain sounds remind me of home...home meaning where I grew up...childhood.

Just the other day I heard some sounds while working outside and all I could think of was home...and Mom.

Growing up we lived about 2 miles from a train track...not a real busy train track...but every now and then and especially at night you would hear the faint whistle blow in the distance. A memory in my mind is cool summer nights, being outside sitting on the front steps with Mom and hearing the train whistle behind our conversation.

Once Bryon, my brother, called home from his mission in Texas. Mom took the portable phone outside to talk to him. While Mom was talking to Bryon, the train whistled in the background. Bryon got a little choked up by the all too familiar sound of home.

We have a mini airport for little Cessna planes not even a half mile from my house. The landing strip is about 400 meters from my backyard. Some of our neighbors have their own hangar. From our back deck we can watch ever so often a plane take off or come in for a landing through the trees. I even witnessed a wreck once while jumping on the trampoline- a not so good landing, but fortunately everyone was ok.

The sound of those little planes flying in the air, their steady engines humming on a summer day give me the greatest sense of security. I don't know why- sounds of home I guess. I remember telling my mom once that whenever I hear a small plane flying I am reminded that time is passing quickly. Mom asked me where I came up with those thoughts and I had no clue...but probably because it has been a sound I have heard ever since I was a little girl and it takes me back to childhood and reminds me how quickly childhood comes and goes.

So even though I am far from home I am lucky enough to be in an area that has both planes flying around and train remind me of home...remind me of Mom.

I am having a hard time being pregnant and being motherless. Wow what a lonely feeling it is at times. Mom and I were such good friends. I miss her friendship. I just want to call her and tell her how fat I feel, how inadequate I feel in my calling at church, how I'm messing up my girl's lives by being an out of control mother, how I can't wait to plant a garden, how I just painted the girls room a cool color, how tired I am, how I wish I had a close friend nearby...these are things only a mother has patience for...

I feel that my family has kind of lost touch with me because she is gone. I just read a line the other day from a magazine that said, "Once your Dad gets a new wife, he now has a new life, and you are no longer apart of it."

I realized it was MOM who held the family together. She was the compassionate one who put feelings in front of logic, who gathered the family together even when it seemed inconvenient, who stayed up late despite being overly tired to listen to her children talk about was her who threw something together to eat so we could be together for was her that cared about my children.

When Mom died I lost both parents...especially when Dad got a woman who is perfect for him supposedly, but will never care about me or my children the same way Mom did. And that is hard. Not that I am expecting much from my Dad or his new wife but I just feel so cut off from the security and love I grew up with.

And there is nothing I can do about it...I know. So I can just sit here and miss Mom and that's about it. Crying always helps me feel better the next day anyway.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

6 months pregnant

I have had 3 people so far ask me if I was due any day now.

Sadly, no.

3 more months to go and yes I'm concerned about my stomach being any much bigger than it already is. But that is I'm in trouble.

I am well aware that I am bigger than normal- but it wasn't so pleasant when my father in law saw me for the first time this pregnancy and said, "wow...I just met this petite girl who only gained 11 lbs her whole pregnancy" Not exactly what I wanted to hear...especially since I'm pretty sure I gained 11 lbs the first week I found out I was pregnant...

This is a time in my life where randomly seeing an old boyfriend from college at the mall would be most inappropriate. I would run and hide and tell Chay to call me by some other name like Rebecca or something.

so yes three months to go...I am doing all I can to get things done around the house before the whole world stops for a newborn. And trust me, my whole world stops.

Since most of you don't see me is a picture. I figure it better be a picture where I look somewhat better than I normally usual attire is Chay's big T-shirts and Chay's basketball shorts. Sundays are always a good day for picture taking.

6 months and counting...

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

life's blessings

woke up this morning to a snow plow's light flashing across our room...(our room faces the street). I quickly looked outside and witnessed an April nightmare.

According to the news we got 7-10 inches of wonderful! I told Chay we just better conform and stop fighting the weather here and invest in some new snowboards...

This weekend was General Conference: POWERFUL!

The music was breathtaking. When the Tabernacle Choir sang "This is the Christ" a flood of emotions came over me and I told Chay "I wouldn't' be surprised if the angels sing this song when Christ comes again." I am so grateful for music. A lot of times people start talking or go to the bathroom when the choir sings during conference- NOT IN MY HOUSE! You have to be dead quiet. I feel the spirit the most when the choir sings.

I am so grateful for conference. I loved all the messages about strengthening the home. There were so many talks about how the family and home are under attack and how we can strengthen our families through the teachings of Jesus Christ. It was a wonderful way to celebrate Easter. 20 minute Easter Egg hunt and 4 hours of poor girls- well at least they know what the priorities are around here. They got princess glass slippers...and their eggs were filled with they couldn't be happier.

Had another ultra sound yesterday. BiG Boy coming our way. He has big lips like his daddy. I hope he looks just like Chay.

Oh what a neat experience to witness...ultra sounds are so amazing aren't they?

I had a dream about my baby last night. I don't remember much but I remember he being a really cute little boy...and that my labor with him only lasted 5 minutes before he was born. That is when I knew I was dreaming.

Life is good. Full of blessings.