Friday, October 03, 2008

motherless home

Yesterday Mom was energetic and so talkative....a complete turnaround from the previous 3 days. She was moaning from head pain and so the nurses prescribed a triple dose of steroids- which explained the wonderful miracle of yesterday. She was telling stories, laughing hard, listening to everyone...oh it was just amazing. We recorded her, hugged her, cried with her...I even wheeled her out to her flower garden and got some last minute advice on how to take care of her flowers...she was there and it was wonderful...

Today we took her to the hospice house.

It was a hard decision. She woke up not knowing who I was for a few minutes. She kept saying all morning "when do I get to go home?" "why am I not home yet" Despite the wonderful steroid boost- we decided it was best for Mom to be where she will be cared for all the time and where we as a family can go and just visit her without being worried about how to lift her, how much medicine to give her...getting up several times a night. Plus she kept trying to be mom and so she wasn't relaxing very well. I was the one who had to tell her this morning that we were taking her to a special place where she will be cared for by the nicest nurses in the world. She seemed ok with it.

I wasn't ok with it.

Last night we were all in tears.
It would be the last night with Mom in the house.

Everyone came over to the house...all the grand kids. Mom was so lively and she hugged each grandchild and said powerful words of wisdom and love. Mom even said the prayer...and she blessed our family...when the lights went out and everyone went home...the house seemed really quiet and...we just couldn't bear the thought of mom leaving...

Joette woke Mom up and asked if she could play piano for her one last time. Dad, Joette and I all cried as we listened to her play hymn arrangements...I packed her bags last night...talk about a killing of the heart right over- I had to rummage through my mom's clothes, through her smell...through her room and I couldn't hold back the tears. I have so many memories of coming home late at night and sitting on Mom's bed and telling her about my day...

Joette and I prayed Mom would pass away last night in her sleep...

This morning before we left, Mom showed many signs of weakness and her upbeat self from yesterday was already fading. I put her classy black coat on her. She looked beautiful. Once mom was in the car, the house immediately felt empty...

Our home is all Mom- everywhere you look is her- her creations, her hobbies, her decorations, her callings, her friends, her food, her touch, her laughter, her interests...what is home without Mom?

Being at the Hospice House was peaceful. There was a sense of relief. It has to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I love the design and the colors of that place...there are indoor ponds and plants everywhere- homemade quilts- kitchen with homemade soup- a kids play area- it is really a nice place. It was good to know Mom will always have her pain managed there...

The nurses always come to me for everything. They always pull me aside to ask questions...somehow they must know how close I was to mom...I could rub her back for hours...

At the hospice house,I got off the phone with Collette who was watching my girls today and I said out loud, "I can't believe Julia fell asleep at Collette's house" and knowing it wasn't really that important to my brother, dad and Joette...my mom pops out of nowhere (you never know if she is out of it or not) and said, "oh...that is so good she fell asleep" With a big hug, "thank you Mom for caring about the little things...thank you"

Coming home was the most loneliest feeling in the world. This big house...full of Mom everywhere. It is like she has already gone back home to Heavenly Father. Just sitting here at her computer puts a big sting in the chest...she spent hours here creating, writing, playing with photos...Mom was never afraid to learn anything.

Well tonight we sleep motherless. I would do anything to talk to her right now.

Somehow though we find room to giggle and enjoy one another. This experience is so very much in the Lord's hands- there is peace with the hurt and that is enough for me to keep going...

8 comments:

Marne said...

I am praying for you April and your family to get through this difficult time!

Marie said...

Thanks for sharing this,April. I'm so glad your mom was a part of my life for a season and left footprints on my soul...I never had a close relationship with my mom - it's women like your mom that have filled in some of those voids for me. Just as you look forward to the time when you can again pick up that relationship with your mom, I look forward to a time when I can form one with mine.

kiley said...

April - I was just checking in on some blogs I haven't had a chance to visit lately and read your beautiful posts on your mom. You're amazing. I never new your mom personally, but admired from afar. She was always so lively and fun. I specifically remember Lindsey Moore's bridal shower. You and your mom were hilarious. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Niels said...

We are praying for you every day here, too.

Chay said...

Lately when I read you're blogs, I feel like crying. I read them at work and it's hard to hold back the tears and stay "tough"....if you know what I mean. My co-workers probably either think that I've got some allergy but some of them actually know the situation. I wish that I could be up there April. I love your mom and family so much. I feel hopeless cause I'm not able to do anything or help ...but I pray and hope for the best.

I love you April and I miss you and the girls. Happy Early Birthday! It's coming soon!

Anonymous said...

Oh dear sweet April.
I haven't check your blog for awhile and when I did today...the tears came quickly.
Thank you for sharing with us but mostly thank you for writing for YOU. These words and feelings will be precious to you and yours and become even more precious with time.
That Miss EDK is a wonder! She taught us so much about life and now she teaches us so much about death and dying. You are right - she will be put to work post haste.
I hope the heartache, the difficulty of these final few days (weeks?) will be sprinkled with moments of sunshine and warmth.
My prayers are with you and yours.
I am petitioning your angels to be round about.
Hugs....Arlene

Delia D'Nell said...

April, by sharing your feelings during this trial you have taught me so much. You are an amazing person, a truly divine Daughter of God. Even though we don't know each other well, lately I have thought of you often and hope you often feel the Saviors love, especially this last little while. Know that there are many people praying not only for you but for your whole family.

Mrs. Olsen said...

April, I popped over from Tami's blog and really had no idea of the trial you and your family are going through. I am so sorry for your pain. You are in my prayers and hang in there! Love from (Chay's cousin), Amber Anderson Olsen