Monday, November 17, 2008

every little moment

well...I have been busy.

I'm not really in the mood to blog lately- isn't that weird? I am just kind of preoccupied with holidays, sick kids and husband, paper route, calling, Chay's calling, sleeping more...

plus I haven't been in the best mood lately- and I find it dangerous to blog during those times. You see, I usually figure things out with time- and with some processing and thinking- things balance themselves out and everything is back to normal and ok- and then I can write about what I have learned through my drudgery rather than have paragraphs and paragraphs of blubbery complaining rude unfair saga stuff...

I think it is grieving.

I was telling Tiffani- (Tiffani with an i) the other day on the phone that I think I am grieving over Mom but having a hard time recognizing it while I go through it. It isn't like this obvious pain like a sore throat and you would do anything in the world to get rid of it (I hate sore throats) but it's like this underlining dull emptiness that can't be felt or explained through words. I go about my day doing what April always does but I feel a little agitated maybe- a little less patient- a little hollow. I knew for at least 2 years my mom would die from cancer.- But whatever I once knew before- I sure didn't ever know this- this missing, this pain, this awkwardness of not having my Mom around. I guess I wasn't prepared for this after all.

So I go three or four days of just being and functioning just fine without Mom- and then suddenly I will have this major crying meltdown- the kind where you breathe deep and tears literally stream down your cheeks and you feel an indescribable pain seeping out of you somehow- it is moments like these that I know the body and spirit are so closely linked...after the tears are gone I almost feel grateful for a body that can let it all go...

I have a testimony. I believe in the Plan of Salvation. I just miss her...a lot. I know Mom is in a great place. Too great of a place- she seems really distant and busy. Joette has agreed that Mom feels far away- kind of like the years she taught seminary. She was so engaged in teaching her students and prayed so hard to teach with the spirit- that we all kind of just rejoiced in Mom's dedication and knew her "awayness" from the family was a good thing-

Mom where are you dang it?

Can you believe I was actually angry for a couple weeks? I was angry and bitter about losing Mom. I would say the dreadful stuff like, "Why did you have to take my Mom away from me Heavenly Father? Don't you know I need her right now?" I even kind of hoped Mom would hear me so I could play the Tomblin guilt trip on her. Oh guilt trips- a sad way of trying to validate ourselves. Our family is a master at this...we even know we do it and it makes us laugh when we catch each other doing it.

So I was angry...but I think that is passing. Now I am just adapting- surviving.
It will all come together somehow. There is much to be learned. I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and my simple small life. My worries are important to him regardless how silly they might seem compared to other people's worries.

My relationship with Heavenly Father is singular and individual...and so are my every experiences here on earth. They are my personal moments that are invitations to grow and learn- all designed by our Father. He is a perfect teacher..and parent isn't he? That is why we never need to compare our sorrows with someone else's. Pain is pain no matter the circumstance, pride involved, sin, mourning, love, tragedy, missing, addiction, joy- it is all pain and in some perfect way it's all here to teach us, stretch us, mold us into who we can become or who we really are- all we deal with everyday are baby steps I am sure- but as a whole- our whole life experience will one day be understood and we will finally see the reasons behind every little moment and step of life-

well that was positive- I better end here.

good night.


Anonymous said...

Hi you don't know me but I knew your mom and I lost my mom 4 years ago. I know how it is. I have found the best place to be close to her is in the temple. The ache of missing your mom won't go away but the memories of the good times will help soothe the ache. Your family is in my prayers

Stephanie said...

April, you are a rock and I think you are AMAZING.

Thank you for your insight!


Heather said...

Oh April!!! I am still so sorry. I hate that you have to be going through this. And I don't blame you for being mad at first. I was very angry at first also. I know she isn’t my mom, but she is one lady that I love like a mom and I was angry. I talked to my mom several times about it. Her nonwavering Faith actually helped me find my long lost testimony.

I think that all you are going through is normal!!! It would be weird if you didn't feel that way! And you know what…. take as much time as you need. Don't feel like you should not feel that way, and blog all you want about it!!! Especially if it helps you!!! I love reading your blog. You are an amazing lady and it was especially hard with your mom. You just cannot prepare for something like that, whether she had 2 years or not. She was granted so many miracles and I honestly thought that she would pull through. It was a hard blow when she didn't. It takes time. Every day is an adjustment. Take time!! Cry as much as you want.

Our bodies are amazing in the way that crying can release that pressure we feel building inside us. I know my mom has said the same thing. Hang in there friend!!! Feel all the Feelings that you need to!!!!

Love you!!

Calie said...

Oh April I can't wait for the day when we get to see the reasons behind the moments and the steps. I long for that day with a homesick feeling. When all will be known. It gives me such comfort and peace knowing that in His time we will know.

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