Thursday, January 01, 2009

no more "arms?"

New Year's resolution #1

Tonight Kenzie didn't hold my arms while she fell asleep.

and it breaks my heart...

Ever since we moved into this home, I have been by Kenzie's side every night as she falls asleep.

Usually our bedtime routine is filled with talks, songs, snuggles, story time...a lot of the time I will just read something of my own and she will pretend to read her books.- And then when the light goes off she quietly says, "arms mom? Can I hold arms?" and she would rub my arms until she fell asleep.

Half the time we would just have her sleep with us- or we would put her in her own bed after she falls asleep- only to have her crawl into bed with us around 2 am.

I know- bad mothering- no discipline, no structure...I don't do a lot of things the "right" way...I am an emotional thinker more than a logical thinker...and so I kind of just live in the moment a lot...and I get myself into trouble or bad habits form...and at times it was very frustrating to lay down with Kenzie at night or have her wake up throughout the night...

but I wouldn't trade all those moments with her for anything in the world...I am so grateful I was mothering "wrong" because Kenzie is my first and I treasure our times together. I won't make this mistake again with my other children but I am still happy to have experienced it...

I'm such a softy. I am so sympathetic for her. I have told her for 2 weeks now that January 1st is when she will fall asleep on her own in Julia's room. Tonight she cried and cried her big alligator tears "Mommy, I want to lie down with you...I want to be with you mommy, Don't leave me Mommy" Chay then gave her a blessing. She wanted one. I told her a million times over that I loved her. But tears came to my eyes...and I suddenly felt this huge ache. I was already missing her. Kenzie kicked the door and screamed her guts out. Julia cried too. On the other side of the door I was a blubbery mess. Then after 5 minutes Kenzie stopped crying. I went into the bedroom and...she was asleep in her bed holding her teddy bear.

oh Kenzie- I love you so much. We will get through this together.

3 comments:

The Wright Stuff said...

Oh April. You are such an amazing mommy. My heart is aching along with you. I still remember how hard it was on me when I finally decided to let Logan cry himself to sleep. He cried for 45 minutes that night, but after that, he was the greatest sleeper! That is, until we transferred him to his "big boy bed", and had to put the child lock on the inside of the door to keep him from getting out... that's a whole other experience that broke my heart once again, but after that first night, he never tried again and we were able to take the child lock off. This parenting crap is tough... it's amazing he still even loves me!

Calie said...

April you are a wonderful mom and Kenzie is a wonderful daughter. Don't be so hard on yourself. All will be well and these moments seem like they will last forever while you are going through them and yet when you look back on them later you can see they are just moments in time that are teaching us how to endure and become a stronger person so that we can live with the Savior again. April Kenzie loves you. Your a good mommy to her.

Arlene said...

In my opinion..times like this is when it is good to have someone on 'the other side'. Perhaps, just maybe, Grandma can be there to comfort her - on her side of the door. Ya think? I do.