New Year's resolution #1
Tonight Kenzie didn't hold my arms while she fell asleep.
and it breaks my heart...
Ever since we moved into this home, I have been by Kenzie's side every night as she falls asleep.
Usually our bedtime routine is filled with talks, songs, snuggles, story time...a lot of the time I will just read something of my own and she will pretend to read her books.- And then when the light goes off she quietly says, "arms mom? Can I hold arms?" and she would rub my arms until she fell asleep.
Half the time we would just have her sleep with us- or we would put her in her own bed after she falls asleep- only to have her crawl into bed with us around 2 am.
I know- bad mothering- no discipline, no structure...I don't do a lot of things the "right" way...I am an emotional thinker more than a logical thinker...and so I kind of just live in the moment a lot...and I get myself into trouble or bad habits form...and at times it was very frustrating to lay down with Kenzie at night or have her wake up throughout the night...
but I wouldn't trade all those moments with her for anything in the world...I am so grateful I was mothering "wrong" because Kenzie is my first and I treasure our times together. I won't make this mistake again with my other children but I am still happy to have experienced it...
I'm such a softy. I am so sympathetic for her. I have told her for 2 weeks now that January 1st is when she will fall asleep on her own in Julia's room. Tonight she cried and cried her big alligator tears "Mommy, I want to lie down with you...I want to be with you mommy, Don't leave me Mommy" Chay then gave her a blessing. She wanted one. I told her a million times over that I loved her. But tears came to my eyes...and I suddenly felt this huge ache. I was already missing her. Kenzie kicked the door and screamed her guts out. Julia cried too. On the other side of the door I was a blubbery mess. Then after 5 minutes Kenzie stopped crying. I went into the bedroom and...she was asleep in her bed holding her teddy bear.
oh Kenzie- I love you so much. We will get through this together.