Yesterday I yelled your name really loud...kind of like the way I used to yell your name at the bottom of the stairs growing up...:
"MOM???? I can't find the ketch-up in the fruit room!"
"MOM??? Does this look good on me?"
"Mom??? Do you have a button I could use???"
"Mom??? What time is it?"
"Mom??? What are you doing??? Can you help me down here????"
"Mom??? Do you know where any toe nail clippers are???"
"Mom??? Are you home???"
No one answered when I yelled your name yesterday.- but I had a feeling you were listening and thinking how crazy I sound. Just calling your name reminded me how much I still need you.
Today is your birthday. You would be turning 60 years old. You probably feel better and younger than I do now. I can only imagine that young spirit of yours being free from that sick tired body. I bet you are annoyingly hyper up in heaven. I can just picture your face lighting up with laughter. I am sure many of our ancestors are rejoicing in your return.
I miss you. I think about you a lot. The other day I wanted to talk to you SOOOO bad. It was one of those "oh I have to call Mom" moments. It left a huge ache in my heart.
Maybe it is good you are gone. I think I am starting to grow up a little. I can finally put childhood away and start focusing on my own children. Traditions mean more to me now- holidays and seasons all rest upon me as a mother to create something special for my girls- I don't think I would ever really learn this unless you were gone. I was so depended upon you for so many things.
Your dear friend Melody stopped by a couple days ago and gave me a huge pot bouquet of mums for your birthday. It was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me. I feel so alone sometimes being far away from family and friends but the flowers meant everything to me. Melody loves you so much. You have touched so many lives.
Last year on your birthday many came to see you. You laid peacefully on your bed in the front room. People came with gifts and cards. We all knew the time was short. Jaynee brought you a bouquet of gorgeous roses- and we placed them right in your view so you could see them when you opened your eyes.
Mom, I love you so much. I miss you terribly. This has been the hardest year of my life. I feel a very big void in my life now. I really liked you. Man- cause this has been so difficult to get over with. My good days are slowly passing up the hard days-but those hard days I tell you- are really hard.
I wish I could talk to you. Someday someday...I can't wait. I can't wait for that day. Happy Birthday Mommy.
Love always, April