Friday, October 16, 2009

one year

one year ago today Mom died...Thursday October 16th, 2008 2:30ish in the afternoon

Am I dealing with it ok? oh sort of I suppose. I just can't believe how time has passed so quickly. Pretty soon she will be dead for 5 years and then 10...and then 20. She will only be a memory to so many- including my girls.

My dad is going to get married to a wonderful lady. She is the perfect pick for my Dad- a little scary how nicely they go together. I would say it is divine intervention.

She will be a lovely Grandma to my girls. I am happy for my Dad. I am so glad he will live his days out with a beautiful companion.

I don't want to forget Mom. Sometimes it feels so good to have those heartbreaking missing mom days- because with that pain she becomes alive again- a flood of memories come back, she almost feels tangible- I can almost hear her laugh. Even though it is hard, I'd rather have the pain of missing her, than to never know what it was like to have her as my mother. I would take this pain any day.

I am so grateful she was a part of my life. I am pretty sure I will live more days without her than with her- which is hard to imagine right now.

For my birthday I wondered what she was doing up there in heaven...and if she'd be around somehow to wish me a happy birthday. Later that day I went down to my laundry room and I found her gratitude journal. I bought the journal for Mom about 3-4 years ago--right around the time she was diagnosed the second time with stage 4 cancer. We still had a ton of hope at this time and so the words written on the cover of the journal were so fitting for this time in her life:

"just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

Now those words seem even more fitting...she did become a butterfly...she is finally free from sickness and on she goes to her next step of life-

I opened up the journal to a random page to read what my mom was grateful for that day. The date on top of the page was October 13th. (my birthday) It read:

"Grateful that it is April's birthday and what a light she is in our lives."

She wrote that about 3 years ago. I knew this was her way of wishing me a happy birthday. It was a special moment for me...

and a huge lesson: ALWAYS WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL!!!! You never know when someone is going to desperately need your words.

Love you Mom.


Logan said...

I would have to say that that is the best birthday gift anyone could give someone else.... especially from a mommy to a daughter. :) That is so neat that you got this from her on your birthday. I love the pictures of her laughing like that. I can totally hear her laughing right now. :)

Heather said...

oh how I miss your mom, I miss her laugh, her sneezes and how no matter where you were in our house, you always knew when EDK was here. My mom and I drove out to her grave and put a pumpkin on it and talked about her. My mom misses her alot also. This world will never forget your mom!!!!

April said...

Heather thank you so much or putting a pumpkin on Mom's grave...that means so much to me

and who are you Logan??? Do I know you? I bet I do...

Hollie said...

April, you are truly such an inspiration to me. I love reading your blog, your words are so beautiful and honest.

Elissa said...

what a beautiful quote. How wonderful that you have her journal. It makes me want to go write in mine right now. what a wonderful mom you have!!!!!

Rachel said...

That was touching. :)