Friday, February 12, 2010

searching for a remedy

I have never experienced postpartum depression.

I have experienced "newborn-lack-of-sleep-boobs-hurt-I can't-handle-life" syndrome before but it usually only lasts a couple weeks while trying to adjust to having a new baby. I wouldn't consider it depression.

But what about pre-partum depression? Is there such a thing? Just googled it. There is such a thing. I think I have it.

This baby is doing something crazy with my brain I swear.

It is officially official. I hate being pregnant. It is rarely neat for me. The ultrasounds are lovely and the kicks and little movements make me wonder about the growing spirit inside me, but other than that...I hate it.

At times like these I start to question why women go through what they do. As Chay goes about his life all happy go lucky pursuing his little hobbies, I drag myself around the house all day desperate to feel normal and healthy again. I don't throw up as much as I used to thank goodness. If that were the case I think I would have admitted myself into a mental hospital by now. I still have the headaches... and the nausea at night but mostly I just feel so wasted...I think on some level I am wishing to sleep my life away. I sleep 10 hours at night and sleep 3 hours during nap time. I feel swollen and weak. My MS symptoms have been haunting me lately and I'm experiencing accelerated weight gain...I don't have my up and go anymore. It is lost somewhere.

I'm in a rut...an emotional and physical rut.

And where is the sun for crying out loud? Enough winter already.

5 more months 5 more months- I feel like the prisoners who daily carve a tally of their days on their cell wall-

ok now that I sound pathetic...what can I do about this? There has to be a way out. I won't survive 5 more months if there isn't.

anybody have a remedy?

Today I wanted to talk to somebody about how I feel. I wanted to talk to someone I 100% trust- only because I was pretty sure I would bawl my eyes out. I then went through a list of people I could call and I just didn't feel safe enough to call anyone...Joette was on top...but she is really busy with a life entirely different than mine. I just felt silly. I felt alone.

Mom. Mom. Mom. I feel safe with Mom. My mom knew I was a nut job and it was ok. She knew all about my ups and downs. She understood my woman emotions and my often overly felt broken heart. Mom. Mom. Mom. She was always the first person I called.

And then I knew I just needed to pray...because I know Heavenly Father is the only one I can always 100% trust. I feel safe with Him...and even though I miss Mom terribly I knew Heavenly Father was the best person to go to. I sat on my floor in the living room (we really need furniture) against the wall and just spilled it all out to Him...I know He was listening to me. I almost felt like I was being cradled like a baby.

My problems are so small compared to what some people go through, but they are still my problems, my trials, and I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and my heart. I am thankful for prayer.

5 comments:

Joette said...

seems you may have found your remedy... (: prayer helps everytime.....

Whitnie said...

I can relate. I've have a hard time being pregnant. All those hormones, and then the physical trial on top of it can really be hard. I can't imagine having to deal with MS on top of it. You're a trooper!

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Not only do you have Heavenly Father and Christ, but there are other women that have a hard time with pregnancy.

If you ever need someone to vent too you can call me. I promise to not judge. We do each have our individual trials that our unique to us. I also know how much a listening ear can help.

However, prayer is much more powerful, and Heavenly Fathers ear is much more loving than mine. So, I wont be upset if you choose to vent to Heavenly Father over me. ;)
Good Luck.

Let me know if I can watch your youngins so you can get some sleep. I really would love to!

Anonymous said...

Oh April, I SO relate to your feelings in this post. I don't have the answer, but I want you to know you aren't alone/evil in your feelings. By the way, I think you did the smartest thing ever in talking to H Father. ( big hug from me) krissy Jamison

The Wright Stuff said...

Heavenly Father will never let us down! I have totally been going through the same feelings. I laughed out loud when you wrote "5 months...5 months...." and you feel like a prisoner in your cell making a tally of how long you have left to go. Have you ever seen The Count of Monte Cristo? *sigh* You are so amazing April. I am glad you turned to Heavenly Father to cradle you in the arms of His Love, He ALWAYS comes through!!! Please know that you can call me ANYTIME! I'm a total night owl! ;) We can cry together!

Tara said...

Sorry your pregnancy is taking a toll on you. I'll call you guys and figure out when I can watch the girls so you can go out and catch a break. Hope you're feeling better soon.