Thursday, April 22, 2010

sounds of home

certain sounds remind me of home...home meaning where I grew up...childhood.

Just the other day I heard some sounds while working outside and all I could think of was home...and Mom.

Growing up we lived about 2 miles from a train track...not a real busy train track...but every now and then and especially at night you would hear the faint whistle blow in the distance. A memory in my mind is cool summer nights, being outside sitting on the front steps with Mom and hearing the train whistle behind our conversation.

Once Bryon, my brother, called home from his mission in Texas. Mom took the portable phone outside to talk to him. While Mom was talking to Bryon, the train whistled in the background. Bryon got a little choked up by the all too familiar sound of home.

We have a mini airport for little Cessna planes not even a half mile from my house. The landing strip is about 400 meters from my backyard. Some of our neighbors have their own hangar. From our back deck we can watch ever so often a plane take off or come in for a landing through the trees. I even witnessed a wreck once while jumping on the trampoline- a not so good landing, but fortunately everyone was ok.

The sound of those little planes flying in the air, their steady engines humming on a summer day give me the greatest sense of security. I don't know why- sounds of home I guess. I remember telling my mom once that whenever I hear a small plane flying I am reminded that time is passing quickly. Mom asked me where I came up with those thoughts and I had no clue...but probably because it has been a sound I have heard ever since I was a little girl and it takes me back to childhood and reminds me how quickly childhood comes and goes.

So even though I am far from home I am lucky enough to be in an area that has both planes flying around and train remind me of home...remind me of Mom.

I am having a hard time being pregnant and being motherless. Wow what a lonely feeling it is at times. Mom and I were such good friends. I miss her friendship. I just want to call her and tell her how fat I feel, how inadequate I feel in my calling at church, how I'm messing up my girl's lives by being an out of control mother, how I can't wait to plant a garden, how I just painted the girls room a cool color, how tired I am, how I wish I had a close friend nearby...these are things only a mother has patience for...

I feel that my family has kind of lost touch with me because she is gone. I just read a line the other day from a magazine that said, "Once your Dad gets a new wife, he now has a new life, and you are no longer apart of it."

I realized it was MOM who held the family together. She was the compassionate one who put feelings in front of logic, who gathered the family together even when it seemed inconvenient, who stayed up late despite being overly tired to listen to her children talk about was her who threw something together to eat so we could be together for was her that cared about my children.

When Mom died I lost both parents...especially when Dad got a woman who is perfect for him supposedly, but will never care about me or my children the same way Mom did. And that is hard. Not that I am expecting much from my Dad or his new wife but I just feel so cut off from the security and love I grew up with.

And there is nothing I can do about it...I know. So I can just sit here and miss Mom and that's about it. Crying always helps me feel better the next day anyway.


Tara said...

April, so sorry. I'm sure it is difficult for life to go on without your mom - especially since she was such a huge part of your life. You can tell me how fat you feel and all that :) I know I'm not a great substitution for your awesome mom, but I'm not too far away. I think we need to go to a girl movie like we talked about. Get away and talk like girls (without the guys hearing).

Me~Kelly said...

April, my heart hurts for you. You are living my nightmare. I don't have some magical words of comfort that ease the pain so I won't pretend to. I am sorry for your loss and I wish we were closer so that I could provide even a fraction of what you are missing. Thank God for memories and photos and stories and siblings.

My mom has many of the same emotions about losing her mom, I dread the day.

Mothers certainly keep the family connected, that is the exact reason why we are not close :) I am not close to anyone on the Tomblin side.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Cami said...

We are poor substitutes, but I know my family would love to adopt you and yours.

I'm here anytime. Really.

Hollie said...

I love the way your mind works. You always word things perfectly. So vivid!

I must admit, I got a little nervous when I read the part that said you heard something while you were outside working. I'm like 'oh no, it was probably me yelling at my kids'. But then I realized that probably wouldn't remind you of home. Your mom sounds too wonderful to do such things. =)

I can't even imagine how hard it must be. I would feel so lost.

I truly wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. I know you won't, but please know that you can ALWAYS call or stop by. Love you and your sweet family!

Dorene said...

April, God made Moms special, no doubt about it. You are that same Mom in your girls eyes. YOU carry on the legacy that your Mom started. Please take comfort in knowing that YOU mean as much in your girls lives as your Mom did and does still in your life.
YOU are your mothers daughter...she did a wonderful job in raising you and in turn you will do the same.
Your life may not be the same, but you will be with her again. This life is temporal, just a blip on the screen....imagine worshiping our Heavenly Father together with your Mom for eternity. It will be worth the wait. You are a blessing in your family's life, please don't ever forget that. God Bless you.

Tracie said...

April, I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you this Mother's Day weekend. I am missing my mom like crazy. Wishing I was out worrying about finding the perfect gift... I don't think this day will ever get any easier. Maybe someday we can meet and chat and cry about our moms! Happy Mother's Day! - Tracie