Thursday, October 07, 2010

6 day birthday journey

I love babies. Xander is by far my favorite newborn. With Kenzie I was in denial of motherhood. Then came Julia- still in denial and she also cried and cried and cried for 3 months- and then of course I couldn't handle it very I would then cry and cry and cry with her. I was a mess.

Xander however calms me. He is a good baby. He is a piece of heaven in our home...and he is so dang cute- oh my.

I am trying to deal with life the best I can.

This is a hard time for me. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. You know, like decisions made right now will determine the greater portion of the rest of my life. Ever get those life crossroad feelings?

My brain is so mushy right now. I have a hard time concentrating. Tired mostly. Anyone else get mushy brain?

other thoughts:

I think I use MS as an excuse. I feel sometimes it has already defeated me, falling back on it when I attempt and fail at a goal because my body isn't responding the way it used to. I wish I was never diagnosed. I am strong you know. I really am. I used to be a good basketball player back in the day. I loved to run. Cross country and track were my thing- Mountain biking and snowboarding found me in college...a triathlon after the mission. I was competitive and I loved pushing my body to its limits. I use to live for being active and working hard. Now I have this weird fear thing going on. I feel trapped. Lost.

I hate it when people see me lifting something heavy or doing something strenuous and they run over to me like I'm 90 years old and insist they help me because you know, I have MS, I must be completely incapable. That is the worse thing you could do to me. Mom always told me that once she was diagnosed with cancer, people suddenly stopped needing her. It broke her spirit. Mom loved to be needed. She had so many talents to still share.

So how long am I going to let MS defeat me? When will I let it stop labeling and defining who I am? How long am I going to have lame excuses? When will I stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with life? When will I stop surviving each day and start living? When will I start treasuring this body like it needs to be treasured? One of God's greatest gifts to man is the body- which houses our precious spirit. When will I take that truth and make it apart of who I am? Why do I ignore the promptings?

Fear is interesting. Fear mixed with brownies and ice cream?...a destructive combination I'm telling you.

Fear is selfish.

That over sung over used song by Michael Mclean pops into my head "I've got to find out who I am."

Just for 6 days. Experiment upon the word, upon my impressions, upon the Still Small Voice, upon answers to prayer. Experiment. Trust in the Lord. Give it all to Him. Trust.

6 days.

Day one starts tomorrow. Time for bed.


luvmy5boyscora said...

April-I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your girls room! And your painted armoire! Do a tutorial on painting furniture for us...please... :)

Your baby Xander is so cute and yummy looking. (Hope that is okay to say.) Anyways, it was fun talking to you via Marne tonight. She says you are great at decorating. I want to see your desk.

You can tell you are a great mom and love your kiddos so much. Keep up the great work. :)

Tara said...

April, you definitely are strong not only physically but emotionally. I loved the pictures of Kenzie holding Xander. Sounds like Xander must have survived the 'drop'. Ouch! I'm sure Kenzie made up for it with many hugs and kisses.

Levi and Cynthia Wilde said...

Fear is a very interesting emotion. I think there are alot of things I would do or try...if it wasn't for fear. Once in a conference talk or something I heard a quote from Elder Holland that I have never forgotten...he said something like...."Often the most disobeyed commandement is Fear Not." I think about that alot when I come to those "crossroad" moments and your brain becomes a big mushy mess and you are making big decisions that can and most likely will affect you for the rest of your life. It helps calms me down and gives me the courage to take that big step.
Anways....little baby Xander is just an adorable squishy baby body of goodness and when I see him it just makes me so super happy that I am having a little boy too.
Oh and a tutorial on painting furniture would be crazy awesome! I totally second that idea!

Me~Kelly said...

i am a little biased but boys are the best. no offense to the girls of course but boys are just better :)

i have crossed a couple big roads here recently and i think the hardest part for me is feeling like its a lose/lose - i want solid, clear answers and of course we don't always get them.

from my point of view i don't see u being defined by MS at all - i forget until u remind us. i see strong and busy and creative and wife and mom - not stupid MS.

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Elissa said...

I get that "crossroads" feeling a lot...usually when something in my life is about to change, and I remember that it will never be exactly this way I'd better soak up the moment, and take a mental photograph... memorize the details b/c nothing stands still.

Calie said...

You are so right April. I loved reading this today. It was the perfect thing for me to read right now. I am trying to make changes in my life for the better and I knew that going to your blog and reading your words would give me courage. Thank you for inspiring me to feel courage. I love you!