I love babies. Xander is by far my favorite newborn. With Kenzie I was in denial of motherhood. Then came Julia- still in denial and she also cried and cried and cried for 3 months- and then of course I couldn't handle it very well...so I would then cry and cry and cry with her. I was a mess.
Xander however calms me. He is a good baby. He is a piece of heaven in our home...and he is so dang cute- oh my.
I am trying to deal with life the best I can.
This is a hard time for me. I feel I am at a crossroad in my life. You know, like decisions made right now will determine the greater portion of the rest of my life. Ever get those life crossroad feelings?
My brain is so mushy right now. I have a hard time concentrating. Tired mostly. Anyone else get mushy brain?
I think I use MS as an excuse. I feel sometimes it has already defeated me, falling back on it when I attempt and fail at a goal because my body isn't responding the way it used to. I wish I was never diagnosed. I am strong you know. I really am. I used to be a good basketball player back in the day. I loved to run. Cross country and track were my thing- Mountain biking and snowboarding found me in college...a triathlon after the mission. I was competitive and I loved pushing my body to its limits. I use to live for being active and working hard. Now I have this weird fear thing going on. I feel trapped. Lost.
I hate it when people see me lifting something heavy or doing something strenuous and they run over to me like I'm 90 years old and insist they help me because you know, I have MS, I must be completely incapable. That is the worse thing you could do to me. Mom always told me that once she was diagnosed with cancer, people suddenly stopped needing her. It broke her spirit. Mom loved to be needed. She had so many talents to still share.
So how long am I going to let MS defeat me? When will I let it stop labeling and defining who I am? How long am I going to have lame excuses? When will I stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with life? When will I stop surviving each day and start living? When will I start treasuring this body like it needs to be treasured? One of God's greatest gifts to man is the body- which houses our precious spirit. When will I take that truth and make it apart of who I am? Why do I ignore the promptings?
Fear is interesting. Fear mixed with brownies and ice cream?...a destructive combination I'm telling you.
Fear is selfish.
That over sung over used song by Michael Mclean pops into my head "I've got to find out who I am."
Just for 6 days. Experiment upon the word, upon my impressions, upon the Still Small Voice, upon answers to prayer. Experiment. Trust in the Lord. Give it all to Him. Trust.
Day one starts tomorrow. Time for bed.