I kind of embarrassed myself...multiple times...in front of a bunch of people and it's seriously consuming my thoughts...nothing major- but I'm sure there are people in my life who had a late Sunday conversation where my name popped up "April's kind of weird isn't she?"
Yes, I am.
In embarrassing moments like these I find myself "again" praying that I will let go of replaying the silly moments in my head and just forget about it.
Even though I am surrounded by people who are amazing and full of love...there are only a few that I feel 100% safe with.
You know those people, who no matter what, love you regardless. They hear you say something kind of weird and awkward and they just laugh because it was weird and awkward and not suddenly categorize me as a weird and awkward person forever.
Sometimes I will ramble on to Joette about the stupidest things...things that are seriously not that important but my sub conscience must need to fill space and time with verbal nothingness to give me a sense of security or something...example: I will talk to Joette about different types of wood...yes, wood and neither Joette and I really honestly care about the different types of wood but maybe I just want to feel smart for a second or something. Joette will just listen. She will just listen and yet love me the same...because pine is softer than oak...and even though that is weird, I can always feel safe with Joette.
I can call Emily and tell her how awkward I was that day and how I didn't feel like I was April that day. She will always shoot back some comforting words "Don't you just hate when that happens?" Yes, yes I do.
I always felt safe with Mom. Why are you dead Mom? I mean seriously. Talk about BAD TIMING. When all my friends are calling their mom's to ask them that daily question "How long do I bake the bread for?" "Did you cry for a week when you sent me off to Kindergarten?""How do you get hard water stains off the toilet?" "Did your periods get worse after each child?"....when everyone seems to be going to Mom for help....
I have Google. I went from having a Mother to relying on Google. PATHETIC.
The other day Kenzie and I were searching for her lost shoe. Logically she attempted to solve the problem: "I bet the computer knows where my shoe is" So we Googled, "Where is Kenzie's shoe?" No answer. I had to teach her a vital lesson. Google doesn't have all the answers. There isn't a little man living inside the computer who cares and knows about every little move we make. Although I think a lot of us like to pretend there is or at least act like there is.
So we prayed to Heavenly Father to help us find the lost shoe. 5 minutes later we felt impressed to lift up the couch. There it was...along with $3 in change. Double blessing.
I feel safe with Heavenly Father. I know He loves me regardless of my weird and awkward moments...and for my really bad moments as well. I didn't always feel that way. It wasn't until I started to understand the atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ that God's love was always available and never had to be earned. It was a liberating moment for me.
No matter what I do, I will always be hot and juicy to Chay. I could pick my nose and I'm still forever his girl. I am safe with Chay. Phew. Life would be a royal mess not feeling safe with him.
I have others "safeties" too. Close friends and even friends I have recently met that I just feel safe with. You know, the kind you can easily share the details of how you tried to cure a yeast infection with a garlic clove. (it works by the way)
Connection. I love connection. I can't wait to ask God or the angels about instant connection with certain people. Were we buddies in the life before earth? Or what?
And then the question arises "Do people feel safe with me?"
How can I be completely embarrassing one day and then turn around and judge someone else "they are so weird" or "they aren't very kind" or "they hoard money" or "she smells like cheese" Usually someone will have one cheese smelling moment and they smell like cheese forever. Judgments can be so cruel and they stick around for a long time it seems...probably because they turn into fun stories to tell others I suppose...and then the vicious cycle continues.
*side note: I just asked Julia if I smell like cheese...just so I can hear what funnies will come out of her mouth. She said, "nope, well yeah, but you smell more like Jesus than cheese." Oh how priceless she is... my little Ju Ju bean.
I pray she will always feel safe with her mommy.
Who do you feel safe with when life is bumpy?
You should tell them thank you.