Wednesday, October 22, 2014

My big trip home. Part 1

So I went on a trip with my kids.

Without Chay. We were in the car 21 hours total. Hell.

So, the first day I failed as a mom big time and I lost my cool several times and I even broke down in tears in front of my kids because they were fighting so much.

After making sure they know they are dirty rotten stink bombs for ruining my life I then revert to always assuming it's my fault for their behavior and I keep trying to figure out what I can do different.

Before we left on the trip, I made a specific attempt to make the travels fun. I bought fun books, brand new markers, crayons, new small toys, bingo, and traveling games. I gave each child a bag for all their traveling stuff. It was all organized and perfect.

It lasted 20 minutes.

The complaining, pinching. fighting began and I could hardly stand it. Let's just say, I didn't use "soft voice" and I was the biggest hypocrite in the world as I yelled at my kids to be quiet and get along for 4 hours.

So at midway point to Coeur d alene, Idaho we stopped for the night in beautiful Salmon, Idaho. I was exhausted and worn out and so was little Sammy. The kids were wired and jumped from bed to bed in our hotel room. I had to practically force them to bath and shower- but once they got in the tub they were happy and somewhat cooperative. I forgot to pack underwear for me and Xander. Lovely. Xander ended up wearing a pair of Julia's panties. Unfortunately her panties didn't work for me. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't even pass my calves.

All of my good mommy resources were emptied and dried out and I just needed them to go to sleep so I could somewhat function the next day. They were rambunctious and crazy- and although I usually play off of their craziness- I just wasn't feeling it that night. I threatened them with their life and eventually the three fell asleep. I had to push their bed against the wall and make them sleep sideways for a more comfortable night's sleep. Hotels freak me out and I always wonder when I move the bed I am going to find a cut off limb from a body some murderer tried to hide.

Sam decided to be playful and restless until 3 in the morning. He wasn't used to his sleeping arrangements. At home he is a champion sleeper but not this dreadful night. I finally put him on the floor with a blanket and ignored him. I didn't even care if he walked around the room, I just needed sleep. I woke up at 4 in the morning and saw he was crashed on the floor. It was not a good night for me nor Sam. But once daylight hit we were greeted with this beautiful surprise out our back deck of our hotel room. It put everyone in a great mood- for a little while anyway.

We woke up and ate a huge breakfast. The minute we packed and got in the car, the bickering started again. It made my blood boil. My kids don't fight with each other too often and so it was driving me crazy. They started teasing each other and blaming one another for lost crayons and markers. Their small toys and things would fall in between their booster seats and into cracks of the car seat or in other words, the dark abyss of nothingness to be lost forever. It was a nightmare.

So right in the middle of one of their fights I told everyone to get out of the car besides Sam of course. I told them they can't come with me and they needed stay at the hotel until I returned from my trip because of their bad choices. I got in my van and took off. I was livid. I went around the corner so they couldn't see me and I parked and waited for about 15 long long minutes. They just stood in the parking lot under a street light. It was Salmon, Idaho for one thing which is a really small safe town and I just needed to evaluate the situation and I even contemplated if I should just grab the kids and go home. I was a mess. I was so upset at everything. Why am I doing this? Why doesn't Chay come with me? Why am I being so selfish? Why can't I be a better mother and get my act together? Why don't my children listen to me? Where did I go wrong?

I turned around and went back to my kids. Tough Julia was sobbing in tears. Kenzie was holding on to Xander to comfort him. They were dead quiet when I pulled up to them. In total silence I rearranged the seats in the car, moved luggage around and separated everyone. They all got in the car and didn't say a word. They were convinced that I had left them at the hotel forever.

I then took them to the river walk area in Salmon and let them run like crazy. We crossed a bunch of bridges and walked in and out of beautiful fall trees along the river bank. It was gorgeous.

Let's just say the car ride to Coeur d alene was completely different. Don't know if I handled it right, but I loved the results. Possible therapy later?

The drive was absolutely stunning as we followed the winding Salmon river for many miles with pops of gold trees everywhere. It looked like a scene right out of a movie- old barns everywhere, run down fences, horses, the river, aspens, cottonwoods, maples on fire with color, huge pine tree covered mountains in the short distance- magical. I'm not kidding. It made the drive so worth it. It almost seemed fake- like a green screen. I just didn't know how to handle all the beauty I was seeing. If I didn't have a load full of children and I didn't have a schedule to meet, I think I would feel obligated to stop and just sit for awhile and stare forever. I wish I could have. I wish I would have snapped a ton of pictures because that is all one can do really.

It was kind of a sign of forgiveness for me. I just couldn't believe God gave this beautiful world to everyone, even people like me who spent the day before and the morning growling and yelling at their kids. I knew God loved me and all his children so much, despite all of our many weaknesses.

Here are some pictures of us walking around Salmon for an hour or so. I wish I could have more photography skills because this place is a photographer's dream. I do love my camera even though I don't use it to its potential. Maybe someday when I have more time to think straight I will take some classes. Beautiful Salmon and beautiful children- even though I wanted to strangle my beautiful children an hour earlier. I do love them dearly. I really do. That's why I care so much.

I like bridges. Can you tell?

I love this picture so much- explains my children's behavior quite well on the drive- Xander, sensitive. Kenzie, emotions all over the place. Julia, sneaky, tricky, cute, wearing my sweater. Sam, whiny and grouchy.

Kenzie is so photogenic it makes me sick. She looks good in every picture. She is so darling.

and then there is unpredictable-funny-witty-adorable JuJu

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