Tuesday, November 27, 2007

some days are long-

This whole blog thing is great- but it takes time away from journal writing- and in a sense I really don't want the whole world to read about my sob stories and the irrational thinking I get every now and then-

Sometimes when I read through my blog entries I pretend I am someone who just came across my blog for the first time and has no clue who I am- and the impression I get is "fairytale life" which isn't always the case- not at all- but it isn't like I want people to know I had a melt down one day and was ready to drive away and never come back home- see? That is irrational thinking and it goes away in 10 minutes or so- so yeah- something I would write in a journal to release some energy- not something to post online for in-laws to read- they think I am pretty normal I think. If I threw a cup at the window today because I was so mad and wrote about it on my blog, Chay's family would be lovingly concerned and probably stunned and probably never forget it. Every time they'd see me they would picture a cup flying through the air- My family on the other hand would just say, "one of those days hunh" So did I really throw a cup at the window or am I just speaking hypothetically to prove a point???? hmmmmmm

Writing has always been therapeutic for me- it is very easy for me to express feelings through writing. Sometimes when I talk to certain people I get nervous, intimidated, afraid I am boring them, and I stumble over my words- I sometimes can't even articulate what I am trying to say- but writing has been my friend. My mom has always been an avid journal writer. I remember every Sunday we would eat homemade donuts or scones and write in our journal around the table. Thanks Mom

There is really no plot or reason for this entry- I am just kind of enjoying the quiet house. I had a rough day today and so I have been doing some major reflecting lately. I was going to write about it but then thought I would probably feel better in the morning and then there would be a whole slew of people who would either disagree with my upsets or feel they need to give me advice- or whatever-

Do you guys ever have bad days? Do you get irritated easily? Do you have a hard time getting things done? Do you play around on the computer or watch TV instead of doing work? Do you put off doing things because getting them started would be a chore with kids around? Do you worry that you are parenting all wrong? Do any of you cringe at hearing your kids cry? From what I hear and read I just don't think you guys deal with the same things I do- ok I am tired- I am rambling and I just need to go to bed- last night Julia got up every 2 hours with poo streaks and gas again...she is so unpredictable. Having Julia cry so much has been one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever dealt with besides my mom being sick- she is a lot better and I can't believe she is almost 4 months- it has been the longest 4 months...she is so hard to figure out. She is a doll- and I am loving her coos and her precious smile- but I feel helpless, out of control, tired, unprepared, fear

If I was rich I would seriously pay someone to come and stay for a couple weeks and help me get everything on track- but then again I would be prideful and fight against a good thing so it probably wouldn't work-

ok good night for reals


Tami said...

Sorry you had a bad day(s). Yeah we all have really tough days and just don't write about it so you would never know. But dealing with a newborn is a lot different than anything else! You love them lots but they are a TON of work! I just was telling Jeff yesterday that it is amazing that people keep having babies after all the work they require! Hang in there. You can do it!

Calie said...

so.....did you throw a cup at the window? Cause if you did I am laughing so hard right now! I threw a toy at the wall. :)

Chay said...

I'm a wimp. I love coming home to see my girls and playing with them. But when the sweet smiles and cooing turn into screaming in the middle of the night (multiple times) I crumble. I almost can't take it. I get so flustered sometimes. April is so much stronger than me. I'm a "fix it" guy. I just want to fix things in a snap and be done with it....but kid's just don't work that way = dang it. I wish that I could "pamper" April like BIG TIME cause my princess deserves it.... I'm working on an idea or two though, so we'll see.

Marne said...

April, I do the same things. Not only have I thrown a cup, but I have put holes in the wall. I won't eleborate more.... We all get to that breaking point. I don't mind keeping my personal struggles private...what people think of me is what they think. Blogging keeps me writing, keeps me creative, keeps me in touch with others that help keep my optimistic. If most people knew the problems and struggles I deal with they would be surprised. I have learned to not compare my Tuesday worst with the next person's Sunday best. This is a difficult time for you right now. I know you are doing the best you can! Hang in there! I wish I could see you next month....