Tuesday, March 04, 2008

multiple sclerosis

I will not let this get me down....

So I have Multiple Sclerosis. It sounds like some horror movie monster with 20 eyes...don't you think? I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. I was completely devastated with the news and cried for a month straight. I felt so sorry for myself...I prayed constantly for strength. When my symptoms were starting to go back to normal I found out I was pregnant with Mckenzie. I remember I was in the bathroom with the pregnancy test in my hand. The second red line was slowly appearing on the test and my eyes filled up with tears knowing that Heavenly Father was not going to give up on me or my purpose here on earth and either should I.

Since then I have had 2 more burdening flare-ups. One when Kenzie was 6 months old and now when Julia is 6 months old. I am not strong right now like I want to be. I know what I am supposed to think, I know what kind of faith I am supposed to have. I have all the right answers but really I just want to hug someone and cry myself to sleep. Tonight I did a dreadful thing. I googled multiple sclerosis and was slapped in the face with all the scary definitions, symptoms, facts on the severity of the disease as time goes by...I read the symptoms and found myself nodding as I have experienced 95% of them. One of them that brought tears to my eyes was the cognitive failure over the years...memory loss, hard time finding words (word on the tip of the tongue), hard time reasoning and prioritizing. I laughed a little because today I wanted to leave the house by 3. I had to throw dinner in the crock-pot, get dressed, and get the girls ready and I couldn't figure out what to do first. I finally put chicken in the crock-pot while still in my underwear...and I said to myself, "April, what are you doing?-go get your clothes on" sounds funny but after reading about MS tonight it makes me so sad...don't mess with my brain- I can deal with being numb all over and being dizzy, tingly pins and needles- but not my brain- I like my brain-...

The chances of me actually posting this are pretty rare...but I guess my readers are family and friends anyway and it's not like I haven't complained on my blog before- I can share my feelings so much better in words than I can in person- Sometimes I get so tongue tied and sloppy with my choice of words that I don't even make sense when I am in front of people ...however certain people instill a kind of confidence in me where I feel very articulate and capable...that is pretty normal right?... do you feel that way too?

So what route do I take? There are medications I could take. They have been on the market for a short time so the studies aren't promising. They all claim to slow down the degeneration and hardening of the myelen sheaths surrounding my nerves but I just feel icky inside when I think about taking medication...they aren't safe for pregnancy- well they are sort of safe- but not by my standards- you can't even get me to take a Tylenol when I'm pregnant. What do you think I should do?

There are 2 ladies in Spokane who were diagnosed with MS around the same time. This was about 25 years ago when they were diagnosed. One decided to go the medical route and take the medication. She uses arm braces to walk, she's overweight, and was eating a chocolate brownie when I talked to her last. She told me with tears in her eyes that if it wasn't for prayer she would have given up many years ago. I wasn't sure what that meant but when I asked her if she ever tried bettering her condition through diet and alternative methods she quickly stated, "diet really didn't make a difference when I tried" ironically I remember at that moment a part of her brownie falling to the floor and asking her husband to help her pick it up.

The other lady decided to live her life differently. She went on a special diet, exercised, did acupuncture for the pain, herbs, detox, did not take any medications- she is currently serving a mission with her husband in London, continues to compose music for the church...I have talked to her several times about her theories and she testified how she could feel Heavenly Father directing her to see certain specialists and doctors...
who knows- all I know is she didn't resort to an expected life-style but did all she could to be healthy- she didn't take the medication which is interesting...I don't know-

well I feel better now that I wrote about how I feel...don't worry about me- it's April. I am fine. Heavenly Father is mindful of me. In actuality MS is a gift. I turn quickly to Heavenly Father in prayer and fasting because of it. I begin to study, search, and reflect more- I call on Chay's priesthood more often- so it's a gift- good night

5 comments:

Heather said...

Oh! You are so brave!!! You are such a strong and faithful person. I wish that I always jumped to think of prayer as my first step, but sadly I don’t. I love that you are so faithful and do that...I learn so much from you. I know that you will do the right thing for you. Just put it in to the Lord's hands. I am struggling with something now too and I have finally exasperated all my ideas and now I need to just put it in to the Lord's hands. That is so awesome that you can look at this struggle as a gift. And if MS is a monster with 20 eyes, I say that we trip it and kick it in the face!!!!! I love you!

jason said...
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jason said...
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Marne said...

You are brave April. You handle it so well, and to talk about it....that is good therapy! You are such a stalwart person. Your girls will grow up with such a awesome mamma!

Calie said...

I love you April. You are an inspiration to us all.