Tuesday, July 22, 2008

thoughts on a void

So do you ever get in a rut sometimes...where you feel so blah and just so...blah?

I have been going through this void type feeling for awhile now...I think I know why and thank goodness I don't have to go into detail...yes there are things you actually don't have to share with the whole blogging world. But don't worry- I am April and I am still alive and doing good...just a phase I am going through.

So you know- I am so amazed at how much Heavenly Father loves me. I don't know why but it seems to be easy for me to assume how God thinks sometimes. It is like I already know He wants me to be miserable for a few weeks or suffer from consequences in a dragged out long suffering kind of way...or punish me with making me feel a little isolated from Him for awhile...but how grateful I am that His thoughts are not my thoughts...I know He isn't out to get me and He loves me regardless...it took me awhile to straighten out my misconception of how God is God... but every now and then I will mistakenly kind of revert back to my old way of thinking...But I am gently reminded otherwise.

A walk with Chay, a vivid sad dream, and the Joseph Smith story:

*Walking in the humid grossness of last Sunday's afternoon
Chay responds, "it's the stupid seminary answers, April, that make the difference"
April "is it really that simple?"
Chay "yes"

*In my dream (I will do the short version- because it was long, detailed and so strange) I was in a military type jeep and I was with old friends from the past and I was driving down this tunnel and Kenzie was behind us trying to catch up to the jeep on her tricycle. She was pedaling as fast as she could and I kept yelling out "it's ok Kenzie, I will be back soon!" and we both knew it wasn't true. She cried and cried and then I couldn't see her anymore...we were going too fast for her to catch up(this makes me cry just thinking about it)

*A couple years ago at D.I. I bought a Joseph Smith's story children's book put out by the Living Scriptures...and no I'm not endorsing the Living Scriptures- not a fan at all- but the book was $.50 so I figured why not- so besides there being a couple ounces of false doctrine and Lucy Mack Smith looking too much like Barbie, I figured I'd buy it for the storyline if nothing else- so Kenzie could get some exposure to one of the most important events to ever occur in the world- well the other day I found the book shoved way under the bed and so we read it for the first time in months. The book is written very poorly and made me think I should work as an author for The Living Scriptures- but it didn't matter because it was the story, the actual event, the miracle of it all that made my eyes swell up and testify to me again that Joseph Smith really did see Heavenly Father and Jesus and that this plan of our Father's is so perfect- so full of love and hope. It felt so good to feel the spirit especially since I've been feeling so distant lately.

So...these experiences obviously make more sense to me- but they have tied together somehow in the last couple weeks and have been Heavenly Father's way of sofly pushing me to get my act together...


Marne said...

Funny you should post this because it has been the same for me....various issues I deal with, they come and go...I had a great talk with my mom Sunday and she put everything into perspective for me. Aren't mom's the best? Not that she told me anything new...but things I needed to hear. Chad gave me a blessing...and oh, how that helped. My mom also told me about a book called "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven" she said it is short but a very, very powerful book. Have you read it? I want to bo buy it at Deseret Book this week.

Nice to know we all deal with similar thoughts and feelings...

EDK said...

You know what I miss? Camping with you up the DCA river. What a beautiful picture!!!