I went downstairs today and found Mom's last jar of apple sauce in the fruit room...and I about lost it. There are touches of Mom all over this house.
So I have been here for 3 days now. When I first saw her Sunday night, Mom was so excited to see me- she even told Dad earlier that day she wanted a bath so she could be clean when I got there. Everyone I have talked to has told me Mom has been waiting for me to get here...and in the past 72 hours she has declined greatly.
The first day she was sort of carrying on a conversation and she kept wanting to kiss Kenzie and Julia. Today she hasn't said much of anything...just cried a lot because of the pain. We are considering moving her into the Hospice House...mom is just still so concerned about everyone that she is having a hard time relaxing and sleeping...Dad is getting tired and today he actually couldn't lift her off the toilet without needing help- it is turning into a 2 man job now- Mom is very emotional and has muttered words like "I am stuck...I can't do this anymore"
Mom looks sick. Her face is swollen from the steroids...she is skinny and she is too weak to open her eyes...but she has a hard time sleeping...the littlest noise wakes her up.
I am strung out. I am so tired. Julia isn't sleeping well at all. My girls are always in the way- their little screams make Dad nervous and...we found a morphine pill in Julia's mouth...I know, you can gasp for air- all too much. I want to help mom but sometimes my girls are taking too much out of me- I am getting some help tomorrow...thank goodness.
well I don't know what to write really. Mom is losing her strength. She didn't eat today. My heart aches. We get tears several times a day. We sing songs and hymns and she seems to enjoy it. There is some peace when she sleeps and we can feel angels near at times- but she is still in a lot of pain- so it hasn't been pleasant really. We are trying to figure out the pain medication routine...and get her comfortable but mom's spirit is an energetic one and despite not being able to walk, she still wants us to help her move from the chair, to the bed, to the kitchen...all so she can keep moving...that's my mom.
There is nothing greater than holding mom's hand...she is so soft and...she loves to hold hands. Yesterday we talked about death. She asked me, "how did I get like this?"...and "why am I sick?" I explained to her that she has cancer and Heavenly Father is calling her home. She told me she doesn't want to go home alone...I kept telling her how beautiful it will be and that Heavenly Father will put her to work right away. She responded, "really?" I asked her if she was afraid to die and she started to cry and said, "I never thought I was but I think I am"
What a ride this has been. I am very tired. I am going to bed.