Tuesday, March 24, 2009

just passionate

I finished up nursing Julia a couple weeks ago...and we moved the rocking gliding chair downstairs last night-

two events that of course brought tears to the eyes.

"I'm not unstable, I'm just passionate" ~Glenn Beck

I nurse my babies as long as I can. It is more about the touch, cuddle, holding, and snuggle than it is about the nutrition.

I can't say it's about the nutrition when I shove suckers and gold fish crackers in Julia's face so she can stop crying in the car.

And what really gets me is that my girls drive me nuts half the time...but I still feel that nursing is a miracle- so perfectly designed.

Julia is a very hard baby. Well she's not a baby- she is 19 months- but she is a very defiant bold loud energetic determined little girl. She screams so loud. I have done everything I could possible do to make her stop screaming but it doesn't work. She makes me cry because she is so impossible. Nursing was such a peaceful breakaway from the constant tantrums, losing her temper and throwing things out of anger. You think I am kidding? She is sweetheart half the time- but the other half...oh boy watch out. When she is mad I have to put her in the crib or she will hurt Kenzie and I. She swings right at your face. She takes cups and throws them off the table. When I put her in the crib she only hurts herself- by thrashing her head against the rails. It is quite the scene.

I remember my mom saying that her 4 children were equivalent to 12 children...and now I am starting to understand what she meant. Church is a nightmare. Kenzie resists going to primary. She cries and cries. Julia got kicked out of nursery last Sunday for the second time. Yes kicked out. The leaders came and gave her to me saying she won't stop crying. After 15 minutes of screaming they couldn't handle it anymore. I don't blame them.

I don't think I am cut out for this.

Anyway so nursing my babies is a beautiful way of connecting and pushing aside all the hard parts of mothering. A "love conquers all" type moment. That is why it hurts to quit.

The rocking chair- which is a piece of crap- practically falling apart- is so sentimental to me. I rocked Kenzie to sleep her first 2 years of life. We had a lot of precious times, songs, stories, conversations in that chair. Julia I didn't rock so much in the chair only because of course she didn't like it. But I learned to nurse her on that chair. Yes, I have had to learn to nurse each of my babies- my first 2-4 weeks of nursing is an absolute hell- but there have been many times that I have held Julia for a good 2-4 minutes on that chair without her freaking out and I think I have read through maybe 2 books with her on that chair- she normally rips the book up or throws it down out of boredom. Nonetheless the chair means a lot to me. Moved it out last night- it just gobbles up so much space in their little room. weep weep.

I really love my children. I feel a lot of guilt most of the time but I just adore their littleness and who they are. Sometimes I feel like I am sucking out their potential and hindering what "might have been" if they were in a different home- with a different mom.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser when I read other mom's blogs. I have been tempted to stop blogging and stop reading other blogs because I just get so wrapped up in what other mom's are doing and what I'm not doing.

Last night I had a breakdown- I was feeling the weight of everything I am supposed to be. I am surrounded by women who are so confident and can handle so much. I suck at being a homemaker. No, I really do. I try. I try all the time- but it does not come natural for me. But I feel so much pressure to be this super woman. I was venting on Chay about all the things I feel responsible for and it opened his eyes I think...

Sometimes I think this is all a big freaking joke. A mean joke. "Let's see how inadequate we can make April feel."

oh, this is totally not mom blog worthy. I am breaking all the rules. Maybe I should leave a quote about being optimistic or something.

How's this:

Being passionate really blows my life out of proportion. I feel every little thing. Sadness, guilt, happiness, sorry, peace -Mom used to always tell me that "much heartache comes to those who feel too much"... maybe I need to relax. Maybe I need prozac.


Kat said...

You don't know me...I'm Jeff's sister (so Tami's sister-in-law). I wanted you to know you're not alone. I feel many of the same things you wrote about. Being a Mom is a lot harder than I thought it would be...playing with dolls was much easier. :)

The Wright Stuff said...

I love you so much April! You are definitely not alone! I have wondered many times if my kids would be happier in a different home with a different mom. You are a wonderful mommy. Your girls are amazing and SOOOO lucky to have you as their mom. Please don't stop blogging. It is how I feel 'connected' with you, even tho we are so far apart. So many times I have been inspired by your posts... please do NOT stop blogging!
Heavenly Father wants us to be happy.... no matter what! :)

Stephanie said...

I LOVE YOU!! I love all of the things about you April! I love that you are trying to instill quality values into your children and to teach them to patriotic. Ever since we were kids I couldn't help but think that you ALWAYS had a smile on your face despite the challenges that came to you and your family. I don't want you to stop blogging either because it gives me a perspective of the type of mother I want to be and the qualities I want (like couponing, food storage, being at home) and you've been there a few years before me and I appreciate your comments and LOVE learning from you!! I talked to Brian the other day about how scared I am if I am ready for the next step of having kids and if I've learned all that I needed to before they get here...terrifies me at the thought of having to teach my kids what NOT to do! ;o)

A RaNdOm sidenote--Don't know if you know yet, but I'm engaged and the date is for May 29th here in Logan :o)

Solveig said...

April, I absolutely love your blog. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I get so tired of reading blog posts about how perfect and amazing everyone's lives are--it makes me feel so inadequate, too, and I'm not even a mom yet! The posts I love are ones like yours that are so REAL and make me feel like I'm not alone. Don't feel inadequate. You're an amazing person and your children will be blessed by the passion you have for everything in life. Just keep doing what you're doing...you are wonderful.

Tara said...

April, I have had similar feelings of being inadequate when I compare what I'm doing with Gage to what other women may be doing with their children. That is when I get most down and depressed - when I'm comparing... which isn't really fair for us to do because we all have different talents.

Your kids definitely are not shortchanged in any way for having you as a mom. If anything, they are 'ahead' in life because they have a mom who cares and nurtures them with so much love and is passionate about making the world a better place.

Thank you for watching our dear little Mr. Gage. I know it must not be easy to add him into the mix, but I appreciate you caring for him each day.

Marne said...

Oh April, you are such a good mom! We all have our strengths and weaknesses....comparing is a dangerous tool...one that Satan uses to drag us down. Don't let him tell you those thoughts! Blog reading can have that affect...I have felt it many times too. Sometimes I choose not to read blogs...because I can get too wrapped up in other people's lives and I really need to be wrapped up in my own life!

Being a mom IS hard, and it takes a lot of faith everyday. You are doing a great job with those girls. Every child has such a unique personality that it is difficult to understand how to do it all...we all learn as we go. Keep it up!

Marne said...

I like your new header, by the way.

JT said...

You are just brave and articulate enough to express how we all feel every day... trust me. No matter how perfect any mom may seem we all have doubts, insecurities and regrets, but the lovely thing I've learned about kids is that their love is unconditional and they are nutured by our actions, not thoughts, so as long as we are giving hugs and loves the day long they will grow up being better because you were their mom. Call me, I want you to come visit!

Calie said...

April we all have feelings of this nature once in a while...just remember to break through it stonger. Your girls are so lucky to have you as their mom. I think I have told you that before but your girls are so blessed to have you as their mom. You have an amazing amount of patience with them. I know sometimes it doesnt feel that way and thats ok. But you do. And you pull through this each time. April dont let yourself get pulled into satans viscious cycle. You are better than that and you are an amazing mom and very taleted. You have qualities that others would love to have. You are looked up to and admired by so many. You have qualities that emulate your moms and are so beautiful. Focus on those because there are many. And being passionate about things is what gives you that wonderful drive to keep going! And remember that your children do not stay young like this forever. You are a beautiful, wonderful, passionate, caring, loving, feeling, amazing, enrgetic, motivating, smart, crazy, amazing daughter of God and wife and mother! You rock the house baby! I love you April!

Joell said...
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Joell said...

You're doing better than you think you are. Green pancakes do not a perfect childhhood make.

I often felt inadequate when my kids were little. (Still do sometimes.)

Love is the answer. If you didn't kill 'em, you did okay. If you didn't say any bad or angry words, you did very well. You know what I mean, right?

April said...

thank you friends for all your comments...I am so glad I have friends who are normal.

Saturday I really opened up with this girl in my ward on how hard life has been lately and all the yuckies that come with being a mom- and this girl, who I believed was perfect in every single way- you know- always looks perfect, bakes her own bread, never slacks in her calling, the best marriage- anyway- she just unloaded on me and told me how hard her life is right now and the guilt she feels as a mom- and it was such a surprise- but I feel that because I was open with her she had an outlet of safety to speak with me-

so...I guess we are all messed up. LOL...of course not...

just plugging along...here we go.

Anyway- thanks you guys for all that you are.